PJH2028   18,518
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Checking All In

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

June 15, 2011
Didn't weigh in today. Am I still in the 180's (189 May 30, after stepdaughter's wedding). ????
Where have I been for a month? Trips. Anticipations. Foot injury. Excuses and explanations for why I haven't been "all in" this month. Well... today marks the end of that, I say.

June 15th and I re-did a few photos on my Spark Page. And I'm blogging to mark the spot.

Joe and I have been arguing a lot more than usual. Usual for us doesn't include arguing -- our friendship generally and specifically has good quarreling listening and coalescing skills in it. Is it the post-wedding shoe-drop? Maybe. That's predictable, right. Does it have any impact on my relation to my own Time and Energy? yes, maybe. but, NO, not really.

This is about ME.

Foot injury still sucks. And I'm shy to jump on cardio equipment with the zeal of past months 4x week for 45min-1hr+. New shoes. Newly assessed weakness in VMO (vastus medialis) which is related to excess tork and weight on left leg and foot, as well as explaining some loss of coordination on left.. Here's a photo of the muscles:

There are straight forward exercises to strengthen this. ANd THAT"S EXCITING!! Cuz that means CHANGE is not only Possible, but indeed LIKELY. Good Change.

And I am GRATEFUL. So grateful to still have trainers Tim and Jenny in my life -- my mom insisted on gifting me two more months of PT. So awesome, amazing, generous. Wow.

I'm a LUCKY LUCKY lady. On so many levels.
And so... it's up to me to practice emanating that gratitude and happiness more smoothly throughout my days and nights.

Call it Woody Allen syndrome. Or some other kind of analytical/over-self-aware/over-thinking/o
cdesqe/prone-to-negativity .... but it's true that I'm that way and it's true that it is not serving me.

A SMALLER WORLD is often what, I think to myself, is behind addictions and resolutions. Does dieting makes the world smaller? Or does it simply define space and goals?
Exercise plans make specific structured time and benchmarks for appreciation -- I don't think it narrows the world of my possibilities.

I need and want to ADD MORE LIFE TO MY LIFE
More connections
More interests that I act upon

And so it is
that I write this

To SPARK ONward and DOWNward ....

Summer Goals for FALL Appreciation

*175 # by the Fall
*Increased VMO strength
*Better/improved running stride in interval training
*Enjoy outdoor and indoor PLAY/Movement which is not catalogued as "exercise"
*Say "YES" more to invitations
*Calorie Range
*Weigh-in minimum 2x month, or maximum weekly

I love my self enough to say YES to this.

With Gratitude.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLFRISBEY 6/16/2011 5:41PM

    Awesome goals, you can do anything you set your mind to. You're a stong lady and I look forward to seeing great things from you :)

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 6/16/2011 7:35AM

    Love this. I like that you are living with intention. You will achieve whatever you set your mind to, for certain.

"A SMALLER WORLD is often what, I think to myself, is behind addictions and resolutions. Does dieting makes the world smaller? Or does it simply define space and goals?" I really like this...I will think on this question, because there is value in it.

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going going - gets hot (and the tough don't go there?)

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

I'm avoiding cop-out land. I've been tempted, but I'm not going there.

1) It's HOT. Too hot. (and the building i rent in has inadequate electricity so power surges hugely compromise what the little a/c unit is capable of) -- more diatribe on this available but i'm not going there.

2) I'm hobbled for the week by recouperating from shot in foot to remedy "capsulitis" -- (an inflammation of the ligament at the joint were toe 2 meets metatarsal... caused by new more intensive workouts, weight distribution or subluxations, or alignments, or.....) -- more diatribe on this available, but I'm not going there... either.

Or not again. Or not now.
Or.... Okay... WHY write this in a blog?

I've made some poor menu choices the past few days. And that feels NOT GOOD.
Working out helps keep my decisions and focus in a good place. Without my workouts (May trip to Athens, wedding stuff, and now week of injury recupe...) it is much more challenging for me.

That's a good thing. CUZ i can choose to stay reliant on workouts.
AND I'm going to have to become more flexible about when where what who how.

It's Too F'ing hot. When it's this hot I don't want to do ANYTHING. Malaise. Plaintiff. Whiney. Complainey. . . . . and I don't like that me very much.

When I don't like Me, things go south.
I can't afford, am unwilling, see no reason why I will allow some habit of entropy to grab hold.... just because it's "hot"!! ... gdi

Stuff is UP for me, in my psyche in my plans and plan-aversion.
I need:
New Shoes
A new workout plan that accomodates better foot care
A summer schedule that sets some goals for productivity - (deliberately vague here, hmmm)


These are the things which my "eating disorder" and SPARKTASTICness have taught me to WANT and TRUST.

So I AM gonna go THERE.

Will report back.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 6/13/2011 12:28PM

    It sure stinks to have to battle certain drawbacks and challenges! I feel for you and know it makes the journey harder! But, I'm glad to see you are up for the challenge and are doing what you can in a tough situation! You are my hero!!! I hope your injury/inflamation will heal soon and you will be able to reach your awesome goals! Hugs and love!

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Just sayin'

Monday, May 23, 2011

1500-1700 calories a day. That's what I've been eating since i got back from Athens. Not bad, right? It's the high end of my range. And, as I've seen for months, my weight loss is slooowww even at the low end of my range. Yep, the updown/keepyourbodyguessing is, for me, the best way.
I think that this week's misgivings, for me, have to do with the 'snackin' and eating for no reason that is going on. On the other hand, my analytical mind is aware that I didn't exercise while away Or when I returned. I've had 2 workout days, and HILARIOUSLY to me I can see the against-thegrain, or, rather, the Going WITH and FOR the NEW GRAIN. REMEMBERING that I LIKE IT - exercise. I like the way I feel in my body when and after I exercise. I like what it does to remove my false-hunger (replaced by endorphins). Mmhmmm.

So- Just Sayin'...

When I got back from visiting my sister, I jumped on the scale and it said 193.
ARggghh and aghast i was admittedly crestfallen even as I hedged by telling myself that it could just be that day, the travel, ...etc.

So. I'm nervous about Weighing in on Wednesday this week. Because I promise HERE AND NOW that I will. That's my Spark Plan. And I'm STAYING ON THIS wonderfully rewarding path, no matter what the scale says. Onward and Downward!!!! Even if I've lost my 180s. Onward and Downward!

Wedding in Ann Arbor this weekend. Will Spark as I can. And will stay on the path, allowing for some social behavior indulgences, but NOT OVERBOARD!

I want this. To stay on this path.
bookmark for future conversation..... Summer Clothing. All mine is too big. And I don't feel like shopping. We'll see if i make room for that after this trip.

And to YOU (for anyone who stopped by to read this, Thank You)!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 5/30/2011 12:02AM

    You are doing just fine. The journey is unpredictable but worth every second.

Rock this!!

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SINGAGAIN 5/24/2011 1:46PM

    Good wishes to you indeed!! I'm proud of you, and your attitude is awesome!! And here's to exercise that makes us feel to great! Why do we ever stop???? It's such a mystery to me. Love you! Keep up the good fight!! Hugs, Jodee

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PXIGRL 5/23/2011 7:30PM

  I completely understand the ups and downs, I was down in the 150's a few months back, then completely stopped caring... wanted to "enjoy life" so ate what I wanted, did what I wanted, and avoided the scale at all costs!! Now I'm in the 190's and it only took a few months... why isn't it just as easy to go back down to the 150's?? Oh Well... today is day one for me, and I'm ready to do this, for real this time, gonna get myself healthy and stay that way!!

Good Luck!!

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MAMADWARF 5/23/2011 10:37AM

    eh, the up and downs... this is life, right? But this is why spark works...because you can be on it, you can adjust for life,vacations, weddings, gains and losses. ALll you have to do is do what you gotta do. Not a problem. You got this. You know what you gotta do and you will do it, Im totally sure. Get to steppin'!

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BTINTERNET 5/23/2011 9:20AM

    *Hugs* You can do it!!!!

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Back home ;-)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

There are not words to capture or embody the way my heart swells when I have to say goodbye to my sister. And we suck at saying good bye... It's always awkward, tear-y, and sometimes riddled with out of order barbs. We did it though. We said good bye again, yesterday, as I got into the car to come Home. I'm GLAD to be HOME! Joe greeted me with lilacs and a little pink geranium in a beautiful green pot... and with an embrace that broadcast more than i remembered to remember how dear and loving and lucky I am.

Athens GA is an cute historic college and southern town. The REM/B52's gestalt is really only a topical layer of heresay. It's lush green, humid, with terrific parks and woods, and cute little shops, a fabulous hair salon where my mom got a revision on her cut and I got an Rx for my damaged fine hair. BEST OF ALL was time with my sister and my niece.

I was surprised how well my Sparkability Reserve lasted without daily internet and my network of friends. I remembered to remember YOU! You all are IN me... and our bond, connection and shared path of goal-sharing refreshed my every choice. What I noticed for sure was the absence of SURETY -- without logging my menus I had to TRUST that I was making good choices. Or, as I was traveling and had less control/discretion over my menu options en famille... I trusted that I was making good enough choices. Sometimes they were the BEST choices, and sometimes they were good enough. A SmartWater bottle purchased at the airport out was refilled multiple x daily and kept watch on my memory.

No Exercise except for a walk in the park and a walk in the woods (only 2 days out of 7).
AND.... I missed it! The exercise, the endorphins, the self-satisfaction of putting in the time toward my health and my weight loss goals.

Long story short --
I'm Glad to be Home!
We'll see when I hit the scale this week how my Spark Path Goals fared while away. (My guess is that I maintained - I may not have eaten less enough for how little I moved).

Glad to be home and look forward to catching up with YOU my FRIENDS.

I'm SO GLAD to be in community with you.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SINGAGAIN 5/18/2011 7:42PM

    It sounds like a wonderful trip. And it is so nice to be missed. We missed you too! Love & welcome home hugs, Jodee

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BABY_GIRL69 5/18/2011 7:22PM

    Welcome back! God bless & we got Chicago all warm for you. Dee

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KAKIPOPUP 5/18/2011 6:51PM

    Welcome home!

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MAMADWARF 5/18/2011 12:15PM

    welcome home!!

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189.0 !!!

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Good morning to ME! oh yes!
It's taken Jan/Feb/Mar & April to lose these ten pounds (199.9-189).
And while it took longer than I thought it would, that doesn't change my feeling of arrival.
Staying on the path, even when the scale did not reward my actions, has been a good and valuable road. Staying on the path and discovering other "tells" has been a gift.

My trainer said to me "you turned a corner, didn't you?". She was speaking of something visible to her. It may have been the size of my body. It may have been the way I am moving and living in my body. It may have been and... It IS both of these.

Working with a trainer I'm learning a lot more about the inside-job of MY movement, and my relationship with integrating and being my body. "Dont think your way through it", "Get out of your head", "Let out the inner athlete", "Breathe".... These things I hear a lot from them.
I am agile. I am powerful. I am graceful. I am so much stronger and more able than I anticipate being.

And these Body experiences speak to other experiences in life vividly enough. The lesson is not lost on me. Not at all.

What to do about that? It's not a lesson to learn, to "get" and be done with all-at-once. Nope. It's one of those that is practiced over and over until it is part of the breath.

And I am excited about it. Challenged by it. Grateful. And Eager to open the next door!

I cherish this community here on Spark.
I love you my companions and friends here.
This path is made pleasurable, habitable, hilarious, friendly...
This path is made HAPPY because of you and all we share here.

I moved two more stones from the jar to the goblet! (see earlier "moving the mountain" blog if you don't remember my progress visualization for pounds to lose)

I'm in the 180's!!

If I can do this... you can do this.
If I can do this... we can do more....maybe even than we imagine.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSDUCKY 5/23/2011 7:09AM


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ELLENSANGEL 5/21/2011 10:08AM

    I love your attitude! Thanks for being an inspiration to others.

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TEENY_BIKINI 5/16/2011 4:38PM


You are fabulous!!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 5/7/2011 4:03PM

    Halla-freaking-leuliah!!!!! I was just hallucinating about that number myself... but I've got about 10 to go again :) CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!

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FITMARY 5/6/2011 8:23AM


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BIGMAMAT 5/6/2011 7:42AM

    Keep movin those stones baby! WOOHOOO! emoticon

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PUFFPASTRY 5/6/2011 4:11AM

    Yay! Glad you're happy and excited and stirred by this change in weight - that's awesome. When I read your words, and how inspired and positive you are, I'm sometimes jealous that I can't seem to get myself to feel that way...that the parts of my life that are sad, painful, lonely and disappointing seem to always overshadow the things I could take pride in or feel happy about. Anyway, I'm glad at least one of us is present and available for the happiness! emoticon

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KITHKINCAID 5/5/2011 1:34PM

    WOOHOO! That's amazing. Good for you for sticking it out. The scale rewards those who are patient :)

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BBGYRL4 5/5/2011 11:53AM

    Congratulations!! I love your attitude, keep up the great work!!

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MAMADWARF 5/5/2011 10:31AM

    That is totally exciting! Congratulations!! I love leaving behind one of those --'s! Like the 290's, 280's etc.. I am in the 220's now and I cannot wait to be in the 210's! Isnt it a wonderful feeling of accomplishment? ANd look at the valuable lessons you are learning! ENJOY today!

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PRANA_DANCER 5/5/2011 9:31AM

    Awesome! *hugs*

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SLFRISBEY 5/5/2011 9:30AM

    Woohoo!!! So happy for you! Keep up the GREAT work. I am sure there will be more wonderful blogs like this to come! :)

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So awesome!

I am behind you. Not sure how far behind. At this rate it could be a couple of months.. lol, but I hope to join you soon!

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GOGOMAMA 5/5/2011 9:06AM

    Wow P!!! What a powerful and moving blog! I'm so very happy for you and know it must feel so sweet to cross that milestone into the next weight zone! It sounds like your trainers are adept at summoning your inner athlete/champion! But most importantly, it is how you are responding and blooming and flourishing! You are amazing and so inspiring friend! Enjoy the results of your hard work and training! Hi-five's and hugs to you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOOZINITNOW 5/5/2011 8:55AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SMFISHER99 5/5/2011 8:38AM


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VICKLET31 5/5/2011 8:34AM

    emoticon emoticon

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