PJH2028   18,514
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PJH2028's Recent Blog Entries

i'm up

Thursday, April 21, 2011

snappin out of it. snappin into it.
I've been eating at the top of my range for days.
I'm up 2# from my lowest weight so far.
That means I'm not doing all I can to Spark On
That means I'm plateau'd AND not doing all I can to Spark On

Girlfriend!!! Me.... Get your SPARK ON!!!!!!!

that's attitude
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emoticon i CAN do it! i've done it before..... and I'm coming on May!!
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I promise myself.
I'm up.
I'm awake.
I'm conscious.
I desire this.
I love myself.
This is a GIFT I give my self.

(yes... i hear me)


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SONGBARDBIRD 4/22/2011 6:04PM

    You got this!!! :D

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SLEEPTALKS 4/22/2011 2:02PM

  THIS BLOG IS FANTASTIC! I know I feel exactly like this sometimes!

I am going to steal that phrase - GET YOUR SPARK ON - for days when I need motivation, and I will most certainly be thinking of you! HAHA :)

I believe in you one million percent, thank you so much for commenting on my blog today as well, it really MADE ME SMILE!

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GRANDMAMAOF3 4/21/2011 2:56PM

    That's great! Not only does it help you; it helps me, too! Thanks! emoticon

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PHEFEY 4/21/2011 1:04PM

    very inspiring! bring on May, I'm ready for it too!

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GOGOMAMA 4/21/2011 12:29PM

    You are an amazing blogger!!! That's how we do it! Attitude! Think It, Believe It!!! You will get there!

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GOGOMAMA 4/21/2011 12:28PM

    You are an amazing blogger!!! That's how we do it! Attitude! Think It, Believe It!!! You will get there!

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PRANA_DANCER 4/21/2011 9:42AM

    You can totally do this!

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SINGAGAIN 4/21/2011 9:38AM

    Yay! I LOVE this blog! You go girl! You have to because now you have me all fired up and I can't do this thing without you!! Have a wonderful happy, healthy day!! Love & sunshine, Jodee
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what can i say

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

drifting. purposeful. drifting. intentional. breathing. Spring. Spark. Train. Plan. Planting. Celebrate. Soon to celebrate. Something is in the cracks. Don't know what it is. I'm fine. I'm good. I'm being my best self. Most of the time. I haven't enough 'work'. I need more social interaction. Stimulus. Synergy. Kismet. Kiss.

So.... What's up, in real time?

1) I read the notes and blogs of my beautiful spark friends and i feel both SO connected and whole and together, and, too, a bit behind- like i'm missing something - i want what you have - so many thrilling success stories... I must see myself this way! Too!

2) Another plateau. More exercise and joy of movement. Celebration of change, yes. AND I want to see the 180's, but they've got some kind of bar on the door.

3) April wedding prep is all but finished. May will have a bit of travel and end with wedding of Joe's daughter's on May 28th. We will be with his ex and her family for his first time many many years. We are focused on the JOY of the occasion. Delighted to attend and meet the many happy friends and share in the ritual of interweaving FAMILY(ies). His and theirs ... and now mine too.

4) My neurotic and thorough and FABULOSO prep pretty much done!!!!
(We've found and purchased needed attire. We've made reservations, and chipped in for other family to travel. Only things left for advance detail is deciding on and paying for The Gift, and.... Joe to heart-write his toast, and both of us to relax into the flow of the upcoming event assured of each other's love and together joining his past with our future.)

5) My family is still a whole other subject. (Perhaps for another day)

That's how and what I'm doing.
These days.

HOORAY for ALL OF YOU who've been blogging your perspectives and remembrances, bests and becauses. I love having you to light and share stories on this path! you TEACH me so much.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 4/19/2011 1:10PM

    You are a huge success story and I love your big heart and learn so much from you! You have a lot going on, but you seem to be taking it all so gracefully and elegantly! That's you my friend, elegant, graceful, and heartful! You will get past that door, I know it!!! Hugs and well-wishes on all the activities! emoticon emoticon

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SINGAGAIN 4/19/2011 9:49AM

    What a beautiful blog. I love how you said your husband will "heart-write" the toast. That is so cool! That's how you wrote this blog I think... Thanks for giving us a beautiful glimpse into your inner self.

I've no doubt you will slip into the 180's, probably when you're not even "trying".

Have a beautiful, healthy, happy day! Love, Jodee
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PRANA_DANCER 4/19/2011 9:46AM

    Just keep trowing positivity and effort at that door, and the 180s will open their arms wide to you. :)

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DEBBIEKAY1 4/19/2011 9:34AM

    emoticon Loved this blog it kinda says what i feel when i read all the success stories I am not where i want to be my thankfully i am still here.


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LEAG0628 4/19/2011 9:29AM

    I love #2. I feel the same way about the 170's. emoticon Sounds like you've had a busy Spring so far!

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Shopping - I tried on a regular size party dress in department store... and it fit!

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Okay... My method is still shop/return rinse repeat. ;-)
Today, though, I have to report that I opened my head a little... and wandered the mall. Like a 'regular person'. What's on the rack this season? Does anything call out to me. THIS, to remind those who don't remember, is a WHAT TO WEAR TO THE WEDDING MISSION; but it is also JUST-ME wanting to look pretty, and special, a rare dress-up occasion (and there are so few of those in my life). I want to HAVE FUN with this. Hey - what a novel idea, eh? Well... for "big girls" like me.... Shopping really has always been a What Fits process of elimination. (And I now understand that it's that way for many women of all shapes sizes and ages). Yeah. AGE is my new curve-ball. Some clothes are simply too young! I'm the 'stepmother' at this wedding, after all. Not wed to dad, but still.... And I need to look .... I don't know the word for it... but I can't stand out too much (can't wear my red Ralph Lauren cocktail dress that I wore to another wedding last year, for instance).

ANYWAY- I Digress - Sorry.

What I wanted to talk about was the Little Black Dress shop at Lord and Taylor. You know, one of those sections that I usually don't even glance at cuz it's simply not-for-me. But today I was curious. What will other people be wearing at this wedding? What are this years styles? I saw a size 16 dress with a tapered waist and full skirt. I tried it on. IT FIT!!! IT's BEEN AGES since that was true. It was waaaay on sale too. I HAD AN ALMOST- situation : it fits but it's not FOR me -- the detailing accented my hips more than they can afford ;- This moment in the regular department dressing room was a kick in the pants in a really good way. It was a real boost of morale -- a real knock out punch to the "NOTHING is for me" voice. (Hooray.) I went to J.Jill too -- and the saleswoman convinced me to try on the cute light blue long linen dress with matching cardi. It flared a lot in the skirt too so I figured why not. She looked and me and pulled the MEDIUM. HUH!???????????????/ I said, "I better try the large, too". The medium zipped, it fit in the shoulders; it was kindof Alice in Wonderland... in a nice way... but not a stepmom at the wedding kind of way. The large fit better in the body, more the design intention of the dress. .. but was too big in the shoulders.


What's the point?
Just the story. The tale. The sublime and ridiculous of it.

You know, shopping in the big mall is a bit like a drug trip.
I keep my self SO very much OUT of CONSUMERISM that to open that gate of what's-out-here-to-be-acquired is kind of intense. It conjures Desire. It brings out the "Let's play Dress-Up little girl in me --- that trunk full of mom's cast-off clothing that we spent hours imagining and acting in.


Ugh! I found two more cardigans to try with my Too-big Eileen Fisher long black dress. One black from Chico's. One navy blue from Banana Republic. Both on sale. Both reasonable. And both something I could wear again and again in real life. Maybe after I try em on in the FAMILIAR SURROUNDINGS and safety of my own home -- in the MIRRORs that I'm USED TO looking at myself in -- Maybe one of these will fit the bill. ? I hope so.

Black on black with pearls? Oh jeesh! How conservative?! How funerary? Or maybe just

What I care about is the event and the ritual and the being present and loving on the actual day. I want to feel appropriate, yes. I want to feel pretty, yes. (I'm meeting Joe's ex-wife and Nicole's mom for the first time after all... as or more importantly... All of Nikki's friends).

That's the point!

Oy. And even if one of these outfits works, I'll still have to go back and make returns.... and find accessories.

I saw scads of them today at the mall. Some people shop the way I go to the movies. Entertainment. Go figure.

And today... I... for a moment.... ongoing imperfect though it is.... for that moment... I saw my progress... And i loved and accepted myself in the mirror. All the years I missed not being smaller wearing pretty dresses etc etc ... I had a moment of that reflection too.

I'm reading and enjoying Victoria Moran's book titled LIT FROM WITHIN.
Good thing. I recommend it.

May we all blossom and shine our lights -- illuminate.

"The first step toward bringing out your inner beauty is to have only one goal for your physical self: that it be an accurate representation of your spiritual self"

"Perhaps all you need to do to be more fully lit from within is to be around more people who see your light".

Thank you for seeing mine.
I love seeing yours.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SINGAGAIN 4/17/2011 11:53AM

    I love your story. I see myself in your words about "that's not for me". I dream of shopping in the regular size department. I'm so happy for you and your grand adventure.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful story, and for the book suggestion.

And have a wonderful time at the wedding! Love & hugs, Jodee

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 4/13/2011 9:43PM

    Amen. I've got nothing more honorable than an AMEN!!!

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SONGBARDBIRD 4/11/2011 6:14PM

    :D Yaaaay! Sounds like shopping was a great experience (weird, right?) Congrats and keep it up!

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HLYNNER30 4/9/2011 9:47PM

    That's amazing! Great job! emoticon

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TURTLETALK 4/9/2011 6:08PM

    Wasn't that fun. I recently went to try on dresses and I felt like a fraud being in the "regular" sizes. I kept thinking that people were wondering why I was there. I finally tried on a 14 and it fit!

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FISHTAILS444 4/9/2011 4:32PM

    Congratulatins!!! What a good feeling! Way to go! Being around more people who see your light. Sooooooo True. Thanks

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gift of personal training - that keeps on giving ;-)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Wow. I've had two sessions with Jenny and one session with Tim. They are really inspired and inspiring - kind gentle patient nurturing tough encouraging knowledgable and good teachers. I just feel really lucky. Wait. I also feel like someone (I) just Turned up the Volume on something. More than just "my workout".

My mom gifted a whole month of personal training to me. (She's contributed to my siblings and grandkids (schooling and ends meeting stuff) and she felt the desire to do something for me. Wow. I am blessed. Writing it to spread the news I get a little choked up with the appreciation and gratitude. My mom is amazing.

I've known Jenny and Tim for years, having seen them in gyms on and off around town and always having admired their skills. It's a huge treat to have them now working with me. And it's a tremendous feeling to say to Jenny -- "I'm glad I waited to ask you, because right now I know that now I am ready to 'bring it'".

I have been plateau-ing in my weight loss. And I've also been hitting a wall with my cardio output, and the redundancy of what i do when i do it. Jen and Tim say that they know they can help.

Shakin in up some. Doing things differently.

Last Tuesday however, Tim had me doing lunges and push ups.. and Baybeee let me tell you... at 192 lbs those were killer. Killer. I felt the day after like I'd been hit with a bat and shoved into a center seat transatlantic flight in economy class. I could barely move!! I kid you not!!

You know, I know it's supposed to hurt some .... but ... How Much? THIS is a big component of my learning process right now. Obese most of my life, exercise has always had some pain -some more than regular sized folks due to the additional load and strain. The INNER GAME is the one that I'm most looking forward to, and already celebrating.

When Jenny says... slow down... be patient... you can do it.... I believe her. And believing I can do something HUGELY impacts what I can do.

I've been learning that (We've all been learning that) day by day here on Spark. Setting achievable goals and the joys of meeting goals and sharing goals...
THIS believing in success has been BRAND NEW for me this past year. And it is growing.
I am inviting this to spread.

Body aches. Good. Pushing myself more. Taking and making joy in it.
I'm lucky, too, that Joe is so sweet and funny when he hears me creaking and moaning.
It's a new form of celebration ;-)

Onward & Downward.
Limitations and boundaries are on the move... I don't know what I'm capable of... and I'm going to enjoy discovering my strengths and my weaknesses. Both give us the places to grow.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 4/5/2011 2:44PM

    Woo Hoo! I love this blog! What an awesome gift and I'm so happy for you that it has been a good experience and is pushing you past your own limits! Sounds wonderful! You are a strong, beautiful and inspiring woman!!! Keep up the awesomeness!! emoticon emoticon

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KAKIPOPUP 4/1/2011 4:15AM

    Congratulations on your progress - the scale will catch up with you...Your mom must be a very special person -just like you!

Take care and be well, and listen to your body.

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BYEFATNANNY 3/31/2011 7:55PM

    Great gift.....hhmmmmm
I think I need to drop a few hints to some people!
Think of it as "good sore" (easy for me to say)
Great blog - Keep up the good work and positive attitude, you'll go far!

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Progress Photos Comparison 222-191.8

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Yep! It's working! This "Move More Eat Less" -- Stay Connected --- Spark Love --- Onward & Downward. FITS!!!

I'm feeling great today.

The plateau of 195 is in the past. This Mid-190s weight is the set-point that I have come and gone from for a couple of decades.... It all makes sense. It's all good. I can see the 180's on the horizon. And, more importantly, I'm IN THE MOMENT with EACH DAY. I am enjoying eating well. And am LIT from WITHIN excited to be working with a terrific personal trainer named JENNY. She's AWESOME, beautiful, wise, and a GREAT COACH. I need that now. And I had the good sense and good fortune to find her. Preparation and Perspiration. On all cylinders this week.

So - That's all for now my dear friends. More to come!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLEEPTALKS 3/26/2011 4:49PM

  Congratulations! That's so inspiring! Thank you for sharing! Have a great weekend!


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BIGMAMAT 3/23/2011 8:40PM

    You make me smile! emoticonSo proud of you my friend! Great job. emoticon

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LOOZINITNOW 3/23/2011 7:41PM

    You are looking great! emoticon

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JENS_MISSION 3/23/2011 3:26PM

    Awesome work you've accomplished!!!! You look great!

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GAMELISSA 3/22/2011 7:10PM

  You are getting so lean and fit! Way to go!!!!

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SHERLYN-WILL 3/22/2011 7:05PM

    WOW what a difference!!!

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SWEETNEENI 3/22/2011 6:45PM

    I am jealous. emoticon
But really happy for you! emoticon
And sad for myself. emoticon
But so proud of you!!! emoticon

191!!! emoticon emoticon

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GOGOMAMA 3/22/2011 6:38PM

    Wow P! You look amazing! I love the after pics! You look so happy and so cute!! Look at your thin face and your awesome cute waist!!! Great job! You inspire me every day and I'm glad you are feeling fabulous!! I know you will be in the 180's soon!!! Thanks for sharing these pics! You must be very proud in the changes taking place in your body, mind and soul! Hugs! emoticon

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NONIE_C 3/22/2011 6:29PM

    Yay!!!! You look fit and joyous!!! I love it!!!
And love you, my friend...love you!!!

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JEANIE71 3/22/2011 6:14PM

    looking good- keep it up!

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REDRAIDERPROF 3/22/2011 6:14PM

  Congratulations and keep up the good work!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 3/22/2011 6:04PM

    Super cool PJ! You look amazing!

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