PJH2028   18,640
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Back home ;-)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

There are not words to capture or embody the way my heart swells when I have to say goodbye to my sister. And we suck at saying good bye... It's always awkward, tear-y, and sometimes riddled with out of order barbs. We did it though. We said good bye again, yesterday, as I got into the car to come Home. I'm GLAD to be HOME! Joe greeted me with lilacs and a little pink geranium in a beautiful green pot... and with an embrace that broadcast more than i remembered to remember how dear and loving and lucky I am.

Athens GA is an cute historic college and southern town. The REM/B52's gestalt is really only a topical layer of heresay. It's lush green, humid, with terrific parks and woods, and cute little shops, a fabulous hair salon where my mom got a revision on her cut and I got an Rx for my damaged fine hair. BEST OF ALL was time with my sister and my niece.

I was surprised how well my Sparkability Reserve lasted without daily internet and my network of friends. I remembered to remember YOU! You all are IN me... and our bond, connection and shared path of goal-sharing refreshed my every choice. What I noticed for sure was the absence of SURETY -- without logging my menus I had to TRUST that I was making good choices. Or, as I was traveling and had less control/discretion over my menu options en famille... I trusted that I was making good enough choices. Sometimes they were the BEST choices, and sometimes they were good enough. A SmartWater bottle purchased at the airport out was refilled multiple x daily and kept watch on my memory.

No Exercise except for a walk in the park and a walk in the woods (only 2 days out of 7).
AND.... I missed it! The exercise, the endorphins, the self-satisfaction of putting in the time toward my health and my weight loss goals.

Long story short --
I'm Glad to be Home!
We'll see when I hit the scale this week how my Spark Path Goals fared while away. (My guess is that I maintained - I may not have eaten less enough for how little I moved).

Glad to be home and look forward to catching up with YOU my FRIENDS.

I'm SO GLAD to be in community with you.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SINGAGAIN 5/18/2011 7:42PM

    It sounds like a wonderful trip. And it is so nice to be missed. We missed you too! Love & welcome home hugs, Jodee

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BABY_GIRL69 5/18/2011 7:22PM

    Welcome back! God bless & we got Chicago all warm for you. Dee

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KAKIPOPUP 5/18/2011 6:51PM

    Welcome home!

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MAMADWARF 5/18/2011 12:15PM

    welcome home!!

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189.0 !!!

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Good morning to ME! oh yes!
It's taken Jan/Feb/Mar & April to lose these ten pounds (199.9-189).
And while it took longer than I thought it would, that doesn't change my feeling of arrival.
Staying on the path, even when the scale did not reward my actions, has been a good and valuable road. Staying on the path and discovering other "tells" has been a gift.

My trainer said to me "you turned a corner, didn't you?". She was speaking of something visible to her. It may have been the size of my body. It may have been the way I am moving and living in my body. It may have been and... It IS both of these.

Working with a trainer I'm learning a lot more about the inside-job of MY movement, and my relationship with integrating and being my body. "Dont think your way through it", "Get out of your head", "Let out the inner athlete", "Breathe".... These things I hear a lot from them.
I am agile. I am powerful. I am graceful. I am so much stronger and more able than I anticipate being.

And these Body experiences speak to other experiences in life vividly enough. The lesson is not lost on me. Not at all.

What to do about that? It's not a lesson to learn, to "get" and be done with all-at-once. Nope. It's one of those that is practiced over and over until it is part of the breath.

And I am excited about it. Challenged by it. Grateful. And Eager to open the next door!

I cherish this community here on Spark.
I love you my companions and friends here.
This path is made pleasurable, habitable, hilarious, friendly...
This path is made HAPPY because of you and all we share here.

I moved two more stones from the jar to the goblet! (see earlier "moving the mountain" blog if you don't remember my progress visualization for pounds to lose)

I'm in the 180's!!

If I can do this... you can do this.
If I can do this... we can do more....maybe even than we imagine.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSDUCKY 5/23/2011 7:09AM


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ELLENSANGEL 5/21/2011 10:08AM

    I love your attitude! Thanks for being an inspiration to others.

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TEENY_BIKINI 5/16/2011 4:38PM


You are fabulous!!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 5/7/2011 4:03PM

    Halla-freaking-leuliah!!!!! I was just hallucinating about that number myself... but I've got about 10 to go again :) CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!

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FITMARY 5/6/2011 8:23AM


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BIGMAMAT 5/6/2011 7:42AM

    Keep movin those stones baby! WOOHOOO! emoticon

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PUFFPASTRY 5/6/2011 4:11AM

    Yay! Glad you're happy and excited and stirred by this change in weight - that's awesome. When I read your words, and how inspired and positive you are, I'm sometimes jealous that I can't seem to get myself to feel that way...that the parts of my life that are sad, painful, lonely and disappointing seem to always overshadow the things I could take pride in or feel happy about. Anyway, I'm glad at least one of us is present and available for the happiness! emoticon

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KITHKINCAID 5/5/2011 1:34PM

    WOOHOO! That's amazing. Good for you for sticking it out. The scale rewards those who are patient :)

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BBGYRL4 5/5/2011 11:53AM

    Congratulations!! I love your attitude, keep up the great work!!

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MAMADWARF 5/5/2011 10:31AM

    That is totally exciting! Congratulations!! I love leaving behind one of those --'s! Like the 290's, 280's etc.. I am in the 220's now and I cannot wait to be in the 210's! Isnt it a wonderful feeling of accomplishment? ANd look at the valuable lessons you are learning! ENJOY today!

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PRANA_DANCER 5/5/2011 9:31AM

    Awesome! *hugs*

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SLFRISBEY 5/5/2011 9:30AM

    Woohoo!!! So happy for you! Keep up the GREAT work. I am sure there will be more wonderful blogs like this to come! :)

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So awesome!

I am behind you. Not sure how far behind. At this rate it could be a couple of months.. lol, but I hope to join you soon!

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GOGOMAMA 5/5/2011 9:06AM

    Wow P!!! What a powerful and moving blog! I'm so very happy for you and know it must feel so sweet to cross that milestone into the next weight zone! It sounds like your trainers are adept at summoning your inner athlete/champion! But most importantly, it is how you are responding and blooming and flourishing! You are amazing and so inspiring friend! Enjoy the results of your hard work and training! Hi-five's and hugs to you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOOZINITNOW 5/5/2011 8:55AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SMFISHER99 5/5/2011 8:38AM


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VICKLET31 5/5/2011 8:34AM

    emoticon emoticon

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i'm up

Thursday, April 21, 2011

snappin out of it. snappin into it.
I've been eating at the top of my range for days.
I'm up 2# from my lowest weight so far.
That means I'm not doing all I can to Spark On
That means I'm plateau'd AND not doing all I can to Spark On

Girlfriend!!! Me.... Get your SPARK ON!!!!!!!

that's attitude
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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon, etc
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emoticon i CAN do it! i've done it before..... and I'm coming on May!!
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I promise myself.
I'm up.
I'm awake.
I'm conscious.
I desire this.
I love myself.
This is a GIFT I give my self.

(yes... i hear me)


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SONGBARDBIRD 4/22/2011 6:04PM

    You got this!!! :D

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SLEEPTALKS 4/22/2011 2:02PM

  THIS BLOG IS FANTASTIC! I know I feel exactly like this sometimes!

I am going to steal that phrase - GET YOUR SPARK ON - for days when I need motivation, and I will most certainly be thinking of you! HAHA :)

I believe in you one million percent, thank you so much for commenting on my blog today as well, it really MADE ME SMILE!

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GRANDMAMAOF3 4/21/2011 2:56PM

    That's great! Not only does it help you; it helps me, too! Thanks! emoticon

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PHEFEY 4/21/2011 1:04PM

    very inspiring! bring on May, I'm ready for it too!

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GOGOMAMA 4/21/2011 12:29PM

    You are an amazing blogger!!! That's how we do it! Attitude! Think It, Believe It!!! You will get there!

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GOGOMAMA 4/21/2011 12:28PM

    You are an amazing blogger!!! That's how we do it! Attitude! Think It, Believe It!!! You will get there!

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PRANA_DANCER 4/21/2011 9:42AM

    You can totally do this!

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SINGAGAIN 4/21/2011 9:38AM

    Yay! I LOVE this blog! You go girl! You have to because now you have me all fired up and I can't do this thing without you!! Have a wonderful happy, healthy day!! Love & sunshine, Jodee
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what can i say

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

drifting. purposeful. drifting. intentional. breathing. Spring. Spark. Train. Plan. Planting. Celebrate. Soon to celebrate. Something is in the cracks. Don't know what it is. I'm fine. I'm good. I'm being my best self. Most of the time. I haven't enough 'work'. I need more social interaction. Stimulus. Synergy. Kismet. Kiss.

So.... What's up, in real time?

1) I read the notes and blogs of my beautiful spark friends and i feel both SO connected and whole and together, and, too, a bit behind- like i'm missing something - i want what you have - so many thrilling success stories... I must see myself this way! Too!

2) Another plateau. More exercise and joy of movement. Celebration of change, yes. AND I want to see the 180's, but they've got some kind of bar on the door.

3) April wedding prep is all but finished. May will have a bit of travel and end with wedding of Joe's daughter's on May 28th. We will be with his ex and her family for his first time many many years. We are focused on the JOY of the occasion. Delighted to attend and meet the many happy friends and share in the ritual of interweaving FAMILY(ies). His and theirs ... and now mine too.

4) My neurotic and thorough and FABULOSO prep pretty much done!!!!
(We've found and purchased needed attire. We've made reservations, and chipped in for other family to travel. Only things left for advance detail is deciding on and paying for The Gift, and.... Joe to heart-write his toast, and both of us to relax into the flow of the upcoming event assured of each other's love and together joining his past with our future.)

5) My family is still a whole other subject. (Perhaps for another day)

That's how and what I'm doing.
These days.

HOORAY for ALL OF YOU who've been blogging your perspectives and remembrances, bests and becauses. I love having you to light and share stories on this path! you TEACH me so much.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 4/19/2011 1:10PM

    You are a huge success story and I love your big heart and learn so much from you! You have a lot going on, but you seem to be taking it all so gracefully and elegantly! That's you my friend, elegant, graceful, and heartful! You will get past that door, I know it!!! Hugs and well-wishes on all the activities! emoticon emoticon

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SINGAGAIN 4/19/2011 9:49AM

    What a beautiful blog. I love how you said your husband will "heart-write" the toast. That is so cool! That's how you wrote this blog I think... Thanks for giving us a beautiful glimpse into your inner self.

I've no doubt you will slip into the 180's, probably when you're not even "trying".

Have a beautiful, healthy, happy day! Love, Jodee
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PRANA_DANCER 4/19/2011 9:46AM

    Just keep trowing positivity and effort at that door, and the 180s will open their arms wide to you. :)

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DEBBIEKAY1 4/19/2011 9:34AM

    emoticon Loved this blog it kinda says what i feel when i read all the success stories I am not where i want to be my thankfully i am still here.


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LEAG0628 4/19/2011 9:29AM

    I love #2. I feel the same way about the 170's. emoticon Sounds like you've had a busy Spring so far!

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Shopping - I tried on a regular size party dress in department store... and it fit!

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Okay... My method is still shop/return rinse repeat. ;-)
Today, though, I have to report that I opened my head a little... and wandered the mall. Like a 'regular person'. What's on the rack this season? Does anything call out to me. THIS, to remind those who don't remember, is a WHAT TO WEAR TO THE WEDDING MISSION; but it is also JUST-ME wanting to look pretty, and special, a rare dress-up occasion (and there are so few of those in my life). I want to HAVE FUN with this. Hey - what a novel idea, eh? Well... for "big girls" like me.... Shopping really has always been a What Fits process of elimination. (And I now understand that it's that way for many women of all shapes sizes and ages). Yeah. AGE is my new curve-ball. Some clothes are simply too young! I'm the 'stepmother' at this wedding, after all. Not wed to dad, but still.... And I need to look .... I don't know the word for it... but I can't stand out too much (can't wear my red Ralph Lauren cocktail dress that I wore to another wedding last year, for instance).

ANYWAY- I Digress - Sorry.

What I wanted to talk about was the Little Black Dress shop at Lord and Taylor. You know, one of those sections that I usually don't even glance at cuz it's simply not-for-me. But today I was curious. What will other people be wearing at this wedding? What are this years styles? I saw a size 16 dress with a tapered waist and full skirt. I tried it on. IT FIT!!! IT's BEEN AGES since that was true. It was waaaay on sale too. I HAD AN ALMOST- situation : it fits but it's not FOR me -- the detailing accented my hips more than they can afford ;- This moment in the regular department dressing room was a kick in the pants in a really good way. It was a real boost of morale -- a real knock out punch to the "NOTHING is for me" voice. (Hooray.) I went to J.Jill too -- and the saleswoman convinced me to try on the cute light blue long linen dress with matching cardi. It flared a lot in the skirt too so I figured why not. She looked and me and pulled the MEDIUM. HUH!???????????????/ I said, "I better try the large, too". The medium zipped, it fit in the shoulders; it was kindof Alice in Wonderland... in a nice way... but not a stepmom at the wedding kind of way. The large fit better in the body, more the design intention of the dress. .. but was too big in the shoulders.


What's the point?
Just the story. The tale. The sublime and ridiculous of it.

You know, shopping in the big mall is a bit like a drug trip.
I keep my self SO very much OUT of CONSUMERISM that to open that gate of what's-out-here-to-be-acquired is kind of intense. It conjures Desire. It brings out the "Let's play Dress-Up little girl in me --- that trunk full of mom's cast-off clothing that we spent hours imagining and acting in.


Ugh! I found two more cardigans to try with my Too-big Eileen Fisher long black dress. One black from Chico's. One navy blue from Banana Republic. Both on sale. Both reasonable. And both something I could wear again and again in real life. Maybe after I try em on in the FAMILIAR SURROUNDINGS and safety of my own home -- in the MIRRORs that I'm USED TO looking at myself in -- Maybe one of these will fit the bill. ? I hope so.

Black on black with pearls? Oh jeesh! How conservative?! How funerary? Or maybe just

What I care about is the event and the ritual and the being present and loving on the actual day. I want to feel appropriate, yes. I want to feel pretty, yes. (I'm meeting Joe's ex-wife and Nicole's mom for the first time after all... as or more importantly... All of Nikki's friends).

That's the point!

Oy. And even if one of these outfits works, I'll still have to go back and make returns.... and find accessories.

I saw scads of them today at the mall. Some people shop the way I go to the movies. Entertainment. Go figure.

And today... I... for a moment.... ongoing imperfect though it is.... for that moment... I saw my progress... And i loved and accepted myself in the mirror. All the years I missed not being smaller wearing pretty dresses etc etc ... I had a moment of that reflection too.

I'm reading and enjoying Victoria Moran's book titled LIT FROM WITHIN.
Good thing. I recommend it.

May we all blossom and shine our lights -- illuminate.

"The first step toward bringing out your inner beauty is to have only one goal for your physical self: that it be an accurate representation of your spiritual self"

"Perhaps all you need to do to be more fully lit from within is to be around more people who see your light".

Thank you for seeing mine.
I love seeing yours.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SINGAGAIN 4/17/2011 11:53AM

    I love your story. I see myself in your words about "that's not for me". I dream of shopping in the regular size department. I'm so happy for you and your grand adventure.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful story, and for the book suggestion.

And have a wonderful time at the wedding! Love & hugs, Jodee

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 4/13/2011 9:43PM

    Amen. I've got nothing more honorable than an AMEN!!!

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SONGBARDBIRD 4/11/2011 6:14PM

    :D Yaaaay! Sounds like shopping was a great experience (weird, right?) Congrats and keep it up!

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HLYNNER30 4/9/2011 9:47PM

    That's amazing! Great job! emoticon

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TURTLETALK 4/9/2011 6:08PM

    Wasn't that fun. I recently went to try on dresses and I felt like a fraud being in the "regular" sizes. I kept thinking that people were wondering why I was there. I finally tried on a 14 and it fit!

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FISHTAILS444 4/9/2011 4:32PM

    Congratulatins!!! What a good feeling! Way to go! Being around more people who see your light. Sooooooo True. Thanks

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