Wednesday, May 18, 2011
There are not words to capture or embody the way my heart swells when I have to say goodbye to my sister. And we suck at saying good bye... It's always awkward, tear-y, and sometimes riddled with out of order barbs. We did it though. We said good bye again, yesterday, as I got into the car to come Home. I'm GLAD to be HOME! Joe greeted me with lilacs and a little pink geranium in a beautiful green pot... and with an embrace that broadcast more than i remembered to remember how dear and loving and lucky I am.
Athens GA is an cute historic college and southern town. The REM/B52's gestalt is really only a topical layer of heresay. It's lush green, humid, with terrific parks and woods, and cute little shops, a fabulous hair salon where my mom got a revision on her cut and I got an Rx for my damaged fine hair. BEST OF ALL was time with my sister and my niece.
I was surprised how well my Sparkability Reserve lasted without daily internet and my network of friends. I remembered to remember YOU! You all are IN me... and our bond, connection and shared path of goal-sharing refreshed my every choice. What I noticed for sure was the absence of SURETY -- without logging my menus I had to TRUST that I was making good choices. Or, as I was traveling and had less control/discretion over my menu options en famille... I trusted that I was making good enough choices. Sometimes they were the BEST choices, and sometimes they were good enough. A SmartWater bottle purchased at the airport out was refilled multiple x daily and kept watch on my memory.
No Exercise except for a walk in the park and a walk in the woods (only 2 days out of 7).
AND.... I missed it! The exercise, the endorphins, the self-satisfaction of putting in the time toward my health and my weight loss goals.
Long story short --
I'm Glad to be Home!
We'll see when I hit the scale this week how my Spark Path Goals fared while away. (My guess is that I maintained - I may not have eaten less enough for how little I moved).
Glad to be home and look forward to catching up with YOU my FRIENDS.
I'm SO GLAD to be in community with you.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Good morning to ME! oh yes!
It's taken Jan/Feb/Mar & April to lose these ten pounds (199.9-189).
And while it took longer than I thought it would, that doesn't change my feeling of arrival.
Staying on the path, even when the scale did not reward my actions, has been a good and valuable road. Staying on the path and discovering other "tells" has been a gift.
My trainer said to me "you turned a corner, didn't you?". She was speaking of something visible to her. It may have been the size of my body. It may have been the way I am moving and living in my body. It may have been and... It IS both of these.
Working with a trainer I'm learning a lot more about the inside-job of MY movement, and my relationship with integrating and being my body. "Dont think your way through it", "Get out of your head", "Let out the inner athlete", "Breathe".... These things I hear a lot from them.
I am agile. I am powerful. I am graceful. I am so much stronger and more able than I anticipate being.
And these Body experiences speak to other experiences in life vividly enough. The lesson is not lost on me. Not at all.
What to do about that? It's not a lesson to learn, to "get" and be done with all-at-once. Nope. It's one of those that is practiced over and over until it is part of the breath.
And I am excited about it. Challenged by it. Grateful. And Eager to open the next door!
I cherish this community here on Spark.
I love you my companions and friends here.
This path is made pleasurable, habitable, hilarious, friendly...
This path is made HAPPY because of you and all we share here.
I moved two more stones from the jar to the goblet! (see earlier "moving the mountain" blog if you don't remember my progress visualization for pounds to lose)
I'm in the 180's!!
If I can do this... you can do this.
If I can do this... we can do more....maybe even than we imagine.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
drifting. purposeful. drifting. intentional. breathing. Spring. Spark. Train. Plan. Planting. Celebrate. Soon to celebrate. Something is in the cracks. Don't know what it is. I'm fine. I'm good. I'm being my best self. Most of the time. I haven't enough 'work'. I need more social interaction. Stimulus. Synergy. Kismet. Kiss.
So.... What's up, in real time?
1) I read the notes and blogs of my beautiful spark friends and i feel both SO connected and whole and together, and, too, a bit behind- like i'm missing something - i want what you have - so many thrilling success stories... I must see myself this way! Too!
2) Another plateau. More exercise and joy of movement. Celebration of change, yes. AND I want to see the 180's, but they've got some kind of bar on the door.
3) April wedding prep is all but finished. May will have a bit of travel and end with wedding of Joe's daughter's on May 28th. We will be with his ex and her family for his first time many many years. We are focused on the JOY of the occasion. Delighted to attend and meet the many happy friends and share in the ritual of interweaving FAMILY(ies). His and theirs ... and now mine too.
4) My neurotic and thorough and FABULOSO prep pretty much done!!!!
(We've found and purchased needed attire. We've made reservations, and chipped in for other family to travel. Only things left for advance detail is deciding on and paying for The Gift, and.... Joe to heart-write his toast, and both of us to relax into the flow of the upcoming event assured of each other's love and together joining his past with our future.)
5) My family is still a whole other subject. (Perhaps for another day)
That's how and what I'm doing.
HOORAY for ALL OF YOU who've been blogging your perspectives and remembrances, bests and becauses. I love having you to light and share stories on this path! you TEACH me so much.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Okay... My method is still shop/return rinse repeat. ;-)
Today, though, I have to report that I opened my head a little... and wandered the mall. Like a 'regular person'. What's on the rack this season? Does anything call out to me. THIS, to remind those who don't remember, is a WHAT TO WEAR TO THE WEDDING MISSION; but it is also JUST-ME wanting to look pretty, and special, a rare dress-up occasion (and there are so few of those in my life). I want to HAVE FUN with this. Hey - what a novel idea, eh? Well... for "big girls" like me.... Shopping really has always been a What Fits process of elimination. (And I now understand that it's that way for many women of all shapes sizes and ages). Yeah. AGE is my new curve-ball. Some clothes are simply too young! I'm the 'stepmother' at this wedding, after all. Not wed to dad, but still.... And I need to look .... I don't know the word for it... but I can't stand out too much (can't wear my red Ralph Lauren cocktail dress that I wore to another wedding last year, for instance).
ANYWAY- I Digress - Sorry.
What I wanted to talk about was the Little Black Dress shop at Lord and Taylor. You know, one of those sections that I usually don't even glance at cuz it's simply not-for-me. But today I was curious. What will other people be wearing at this wedding? What are this years styles? I saw a size 16 dress with a tapered waist and full skirt. I tried it on. IT FIT!!! IT's BEEN AGES since that was true. It was waaaay on sale too. I HAD AN ALMOST- situation : it fits but it's not FOR me -- the detailing accented my hips more than they can afford ;- This moment in the regular department dressing room was a kick in the pants in a really good way. It was a real boost of morale -- a real knock out punch to the "NOTHING is for me" voice. (Hooray.) I went to J.Jill too -- and the saleswoman convinced me to try on the cute light blue long linen dress with matching cardi. It flared a lot in the skirt too so I figured why not. She looked and me and pulled the MEDIUM. HUH!???????????????/ I said, "I better try the large, too". The medium zipped, it fit in the shoulders; it was kindof Alice in Wonderland... in a nice way... but not a stepmom at the wedding kind of way. The large fit better in the body, more the design intention of the dress. .. but was too big in the shoulders.
What's the point?
Just the story. The tale. The sublime and ridiculous of it.
You know, shopping in the big mall is a bit like a drug trip.
I keep my self SO very much OUT of CONSUMERISM that to open that gate of what's-out-here-to-be-acquired is kind of intense. It conjures Desire. It brings out the "Let's play Dress-Up little girl in me --- that trunk full of mom's cast-off clothing that we spent hours imagining and acting in.
Ugh! I found two more cardigans to try with my Too-big Eileen Fisher long black dress. One black from Chico's. One navy blue from Banana Republic. Both on sale. Both reasonable. And both something I could wear again and again in real life. Maybe after I try em on in the FAMILIAR SURROUNDINGS and safety of my own home -- in the MIRRORs that I'm USED TO looking at myself in -- Maybe one of these will fit the bill. ? I hope so.
Black on black with pearls? Oh jeesh! How conservative?! How funerary? Or maybe just
What I care about is the event and the ritual and the being present and loving on the actual day. I want to feel appropriate, yes. I want to feel pretty, yes. (I'm meeting Joe's ex-wife and Nicole's mom for the first time after all... as or more importantly... All of Nikki's friends).
That's the point!
Oy. And even if one of these outfits works, I'll still have to go back and make returns.... and find accessories.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE THIS WHOLE PROCESS!!!!
I saw scads of them today at the mall. Some people shop the way I go to the movies. Entertainment. Go figure.
And today... I... for a moment.... ongoing imperfect though it is.... for that moment... I saw my progress... And i loved and accepted myself in the mirror. All the years I missed not being smaller wearing pretty dresses etc etc ... I had a moment of that reflection too.
I'm reading and enjoying Victoria Moran's book titled LIT FROM WITHIN.
Good thing. I recommend it.
May we all blossom and shine our lights -- illuminate.
"The first step toward bringing out your inner beauty is to have only one goal for your physical self: that it be an accurate representation of your spiritual self"
"Perhaps all you need to do to be more fully lit from within is to be around more people who see your light".
Thank you for seeing mine.
I love seeing yours.
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