Tuesday, April 19, 2011
drifting. purposeful. drifting. intentional. breathing. Spring. Spark. Train. Plan. Planting. Celebrate. Soon to celebrate. Something is in the cracks. Don't know what it is. I'm fine. I'm good. I'm being my best self. Most of the time. I haven't enough 'work'. I need more social interaction. Stimulus. Synergy. Kismet. Kiss.
So.... What's up, in real time?
1) I read the notes and blogs of my beautiful spark friends and i feel both SO connected and whole and together, and, too, a bit behind- like i'm missing something - i want what you have - so many thrilling success stories... I must see myself this way! Too!
2) Another plateau. More exercise and joy of movement. Celebration of change, yes. AND I want to see the 180's, but they've got some kind of bar on the door.
3) April wedding prep is all but finished. May will have a bit of travel and end with wedding of Joe's daughter's on May 28th. We will be with his ex and her family for his first time many many years. We are focused on the JOY of the occasion. Delighted to attend and meet the many happy friends and share in the ritual of interweaving FAMILY(ies). His and theirs ... and now mine too.
4) My neurotic and thorough and FABULOSO prep pretty much done!!!!
(We've found and purchased needed attire. We've made reservations, and chipped in for other family to travel. Only things left for advance detail is deciding on and paying for The Gift, and.... Joe to heart-write his toast, and both of us to relax into the flow of the upcoming event assured of each other's love and together joining his past with our future.)
5) My family is still a whole other subject. (Perhaps for another day)
That's how and what I'm doing.
HOORAY for ALL OF YOU who've been blogging your perspectives and remembrances, bests and becauses. I love having you to light and share stories on this path! you TEACH me so much.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Okay... My method is still shop/return rinse repeat. ;-)
Today, though, I have to report that I opened my head a little... and wandered the mall. Like a 'regular person'. What's on the rack this season? Does anything call out to me. THIS, to remind those who don't remember, is a WHAT TO WEAR TO THE WEDDING MISSION; but it is also JUST-ME wanting to look pretty, and special, a rare dress-up occasion (and there are so few of those in my life). I want to HAVE FUN with this. Hey - what a novel idea, eh? Well... for "big girls" like me.... Shopping really has always been a What Fits process of elimination. (And I now understand that it's that way for many women of all shapes sizes and ages). Yeah. AGE is my new curve-ball. Some clothes are simply too young! I'm the 'stepmother' at this wedding, after all. Not wed to dad, but still.... And I need to look .... I don't know the word for it... but I can't stand out too much (can't wear my red Ralph Lauren cocktail dress that I wore to another wedding last year, for instance).
ANYWAY- I Digress - Sorry.
What I wanted to talk about was the Little Black Dress shop at Lord and Taylor. You know, one of those sections that I usually don't even glance at cuz it's simply not-for-me. But today I was curious. What will other people be wearing at this wedding? What are this years styles? I saw a size 16 dress with a tapered waist and full skirt. I tried it on. IT FIT!!! IT's BEEN AGES since that was true. It was waaaay on sale too. I HAD AN ALMOST- situation : it fits but it's not FOR me -- the detailing accented my hips more than they can afford ;- This moment in the regular department dressing room was a kick in the pants in a really good way. It was a real boost of morale -- a real knock out punch to the "NOTHING is for me" voice. (Hooray.) I went to J.Jill too -- and the saleswoman convinced me to try on the cute light blue long linen dress with matching cardi. It flared a lot in the skirt too so I figured why not. She looked and me and pulled the MEDIUM. HUH!???????????????/ I said, "I better try the large, too". The medium zipped, it fit in the shoulders; it was kindof Alice in Wonderland... in a nice way... but not a stepmom at the wedding kind of way. The large fit better in the body, more the design intention of the dress. .. but was too big in the shoulders.
What's the point?
Just the story. The tale. The sublime and ridiculous of it.
You know, shopping in the big mall is a bit like a drug trip.
I keep my self SO very much OUT of CONSUMERISM that to open that gate of what's-out-here-to-be-acquired is kind of intense. It conjures Desire. It brings out the "Let's play Dress-Up little girl in me --- that trunk full of mom's cast-off clothing that we spent hours imagining and acting in.
Ugh! I found two more cardigans to try with my Too-big Eileen Fisher long black dress. One black from Chico's. One navy blue from Banana Republic. Both on sale. Both reasonable. And both something I could wear again and again in real life. Maybe after I try em on in the FAMILIAR SURROUNDINGS and safety of my own home -- in the MIRRORs that I'm USED TO looking at myself in -- Maybe one of these will fit the bill. ? I hope so.
Black on black with pearls? Oh jeesh! How conservative?! How funerary? Or maybe just
What I care about is the event and the ritual and the being present and loving on the actual day. I want to feel appropriate, yes. I want to feel pretty, yes. (I'm meeting Joe's ex-wife and Nicole's mom for the first time after all... as or more importantly... All of Nikki's friends).
That's the point!
Oy. And even if one of these outfits works, I'll still have to go back and make returns.... and find accessories.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE THIS WHOLE PROCESS!!!!
I saw scads of them today at the mall. Some people shop the way I go to the movies. Entertainment. Go figure.
And today... I... for a moment.... ongoing imperfect though it is.... for that moment... I saw my progress... And i loved and accepted myself in the mirror. All the years I missed not being smaller wearing pretty dresses etc etc ... I had a moment of that reflection too.
I'm reading and enjoying Victoria Moran's book titled LIT FROM WITHIN.
Good thing. I recommend it.
May we all blossom and shine our lights -- illuminate.
"The first step toward bringing out your inner beauty is to have only one goal for your physical self: that it be an accurate representation of your spiritual self"
"Perhaps all you need to do to be more fully lit from within is to be around more people who see your light".
Thank you for seeing mine.
I love seeing yours.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wow. I've had two sessions with Jenny and one session with Tim. They are really inspired and inspiring - kind gentle patient nurturing tough encouraging knowledgable and good teachers. I just feel really lucky. Wait. I also feel like someone (I) just Turned up the Volume on something. More than just "my workout".
My mom gifted a whole month of personal training to me. (She's contributed to my siblings and grandkids (schooling and ends meeting stuff) and she felt the desire to do something for me. Wow. I am blessed. Writing it to spread the news I get a little choked up with the appreciation and gratitude. My mom is amazing.
I've known Jenny and Tim for years, having seen them in gyms on and off around town and always having admired their skills. It's a huge treat to have them now working with me. And it's a tremendous feeling to say to Jenny -- "I'm glad I waited to ask you, because right now I know that now I am ready to 'bring it'".
I have been plateau-ing in my weight loss. And I've also been hitting a wall with my cardio output, and the redundancy of what i do when i do it. Jen and Tim say that they know they can help.
Shakin in up some. Doing things differently.
Last Tuesday however, Tim had me doing lunges and push ups.. and Baybeee let me tell you... at 192 lbs those were killer. Killer. I felt the day after like I'd been hit with a bat and shoved into a center seat transatlantic flight in economy class. I could barely move!! I kid you not!!
You know, I know it's supposed to hurt some .... but ... How Much? THIS is a big component of my learning process right now. Obese most of my life, exercise has always had some pain -some more than regular sized folks due to the additional load and strain. The INNER GAME is the one that I'm most looking forward to, and already celebrating.
When Jenny says... slow down... be patient... you can do it.... I believe her. And believing I can do something HUGELY impacts what I can do.
I've been learning that (We've all been learning that) day by day here on Spark. Setting achievable goals and the joys of meeting goals and sharing goals...
THIS believing in success has been BRAND NEW for me this past year. And it is growing.
I am inviting this to spread.
Body aches. Good. Pushing myself more. Taking and making joy in it.
I'm lucky, too, that Joe is so sweet and funny when he hears me creaking and moaning.
It's a new form of celebration ;-)
Onward & Downward.
Limitations and boundaries are on the move... I don't know what I'm capable of... and I'm going to enjoy discovering my strengths and my weaknesses. Both give us the places to grow.
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