Saturday, March 05, 2011
after eating most of my allotted calories for the day by 5pm, i went out with joe for margarita's and mussels with frites. this was not caution to the wind. it was not abandon. it was not f it. it was.... i have no idea what it was.
It was Saturday night. And a break in what's become my routine.
My routine which seems no longer to be working in the weight loss department.
More minutes on the elliptical translating to less calories burned So Sucks.
Treadmill. Routine. Stability. Habits. That pleased us.
I need to shake something up. I need a new SPARK, a new trajectory.
I may need some help with this. Personal trainer? Alternate exercise goals?
Oy. Mared. Boy oh boy. Girl!????
I'm fine. I'm good. I'm happy.
I'm torn. I'm fence sitting. I'm moving forward...
through a headwind and jello and march snow and ....
Not thinking ? more than twice ?
and it's all right.
Friday, March 04, 2011
So I've been wearing the wrong size bra for my whole life. Yep.
(We've heard this before ... on Oprah, and BL, and What Not To Wear).
And I lost 30-40 lbs since I bought most of them in my drawer. Back size WAY off -- too big.Cup size WAY off -- too small. ??
Goldilocks? Who knew. The lady at MY INTIMACY bra store, that's who. I was way vulnerable to the Aha moment and spent too much money there -- Nordstroms has wider selection in this new very odd size and at wider range of prices. Still, it was a good transition experience... for me. The girls look so different in the new bras. And with the new bras on.... VOILA I have a plane of midsection not curtained by boobage!! And the weight of the girls is held by the backstrap and not my shoulder. Pendular is as pendular does? Oh my! It's an experience... partly also because it means being more body aware... it means paying more attention to my figure... it means loveing my body and being less unconscious about covering it and decorating it. Miles I've come! And miles to go?
My bgf of many years, who knows me oh so well, reminded me yesterday evening that "You generally have difficulty with Change, Paula". It's true. I create stability -- I've made a profession of it... especially with "creative" people for whom FLUX and Change is so critical to their ongoing nurture. It's an interesting subject. And for me I believe there is more to discover in the ironies.
Giving up Clothing - even if I''m happy that it's too big -- triggers something deep inside.
I also realized that it has very much to do with How VERY difficult it was, for most of my life -- childhood on -- to find clothes that fit, and if they fit that I liked. The 'ptsd' of those experiences hasn't entirely worn off, even now that the choices for BBW's have become so vast by comparison.
So it's a weening process. An unfolding. A something something something...
to be continued and discovered and, yes, celebrated.
Yeah. That last blog was way too long. So I'm stopping here.
The only left to mention is
Plateau and scalestuckness is definitely f-ing with my peace and direction. I'm outsmarting temptation and frustration partly by declaring it. Now here too.
I love you my dear Spark Friends.
THANK YOU for All You Are and All you say and do.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Hello my friends. And, really, hello Me. Good morning. A new day. The sun rose so beautifully red pink in only one corner behind some trees at first and then spread the color like watercolor infusing gray clouds upward and upward. So very beautiful.
Smelling the coffee. Drinking the coffee. This is a check-in. I have no idea what title this blog will eventually have.
Joe's daughter is getting married Memorial Weekend. The groom and groomsmen, and some portion of the guests, will be donning kilts and prince charlie jackets. It is an evening wedding, and so we can all safely assume that it will be formal dress. They are great young people that I am only beginning to get to know -- as we see them only a day here and there as they travel from their lives teaching middle school in Washington DC and coming back to the midwest for holidays and the like. So... I'm looking forward to the event, whole heartedly and happily.
Now... here is a segue. In order to honor my enthusiasm for the authenticity and specialness of the upcoming wedding events... I am wanting to get the What Will I Wear / What Will We Wear processed and settled as much in advance as possible. I'm sure and I know that all people have advance concerns over attire fashion etc in anticipation of a wedding like this... AND I'm also sure that overweight people have additional concerns.
It is BOTH layers of this that I am experiencing. And the ALICE IN WONDERLAND history (getting bigger and getting smaller) that I think has me feeling and acting, here and there in unexpected ways, with caution or tremulation or enthusiasm or GOSH, I DON"T KNOW.
I don't know how to explain the contradictions of my feelings as I sort through my closet... partly for seasonal concerns (as I do every year) and Now also for Sizing Concerns.
In many weight losses of the past (and the point I believe IS that there have been many in the past - I have been here before ) -- In many of past weight losses, the 'getting smaller' and having clothes be too big has been exciting. So too, the trying on of saved smaller sizes has been an exercise in motivation and celebration. There is this these days, too. BUT this time ...
It took me over a decade to grow the closet of clothes that have sustained me these past many years of my adulthood, my prime. In the course of that time I learned self-acceptance and self-love, I learned from friends about how to enjoy shopping (and let go of the 'even at my size' critque). In my current closet are many styles and sizes within 18-22 range. I've been to a number of weddings in the past 20 years... to most of them I splurged on Eileen Fisher A-line dresses where the neckline, color and fabric quality would be perceived as beautiful and minimize attention from the cut and shape and mass... would be flattering. I spent a lot of money on this closet.
And I learned how to MAINTAIN my weight (something that when I was a kid through post-college I could not do). I maintained my weight range for many years. That allowed me to grow this closet. It allowed me to feel stable and identified in my body.
It allowed me to feel stable and identified in my body, even as I was not objectively healthy or satisfied with my body... I accepted myself even as I tried periodically to lose weight. I was serially unsuccessful at losing weight during these years... no more than ten pounds came off until I lapsed back into set-point behaviors and back to maintain mode.
So what am I saying? After so many years of alice in wonderland not being identified with my body, my frame... for 10-20 years I found identification and wholeness in a body that was size 18-20. And THEN.... July of last year I found SPARK and something CLICKED.
SPARK tools and SPARK friendship... and my maturity.. and the daily love and support of a partner have come together to make changing size downward a Good Thing. A desired thing.
I am getting smaller.... and exploring the many emotions of what that feels like to me.
I celebrate the new lythe feelings at the gym, as my strides become more comfortable and the activity becomes more enoyable.
I notice how differently it feels to be hugging and embracing, how much closer we are, bones and skin.
How the taking off of "bubble-wrap" exposes some fragility. And how that in turn makes me wonder about how strength training and duration and inhabitance of my body may expand my experience about fragility and stability in a smaller frame.
Upshot. Today. I gave away a huge bag of jeans and slacks to a girlfriend who gained weight this year. It was really hard to do that. I feel very strongly a desire to go to The Container Store and purchase a new plastic tub to be devoted to the clothes that Now no longer fit -- retiring them to storage instead of retiring them to goodwill or consignment.
Storage vs Consignment - Re-gifting (this is a good possible title for this blog)
And what about TAILORING? What if anything is worth being altered?
And what does any of this have to do with finding something to wear for the May wedding?
I've gone on too long here. I'm going to stop for now.
Even if no one reads this, I will say out loud and on the virtual page here that this topic, for me, needs to be processed more. And so I commit to that. I will write more about this. I may do it on blogs here. We'll see.
I know that many of my spark friends will have wisdom and shared experience on this topic.
I know this topic is rich and ripe for many.
It took me many years and much inner work to cultivate the deep self acceptance of my self regardless of size.
Somehow the changing of size is challenging some of that work, and I don't understand how or in what ways. So I proclaim that I LOOK FORWARD to discovering that, with all my being, as centered as possible in my soul. "It's a mystery" (said the head player in Shakespeare in Love)
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