PJH2028   18,295
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Pants - Fit … Alice

Thursday, July 03, 2014

For as long as I can remember… that scene in Alice in Wonderland.. You know the one… the bigger smaller bigger smaller scene…. hooked me and is in my image repertoire, haunts me.

I put on the MK orange jeans I bought almost 2 years ago… today
yeah, the ones that had gotten Too Big…. but not SO too big I couldn't wear them
yeah, the ones I considered throwing out
because of the idea of 'not keeping bigger sizes… not leaving the door open'.

Well… Today they are tight.
And, no… they did not just come out of the drier.
F**k
Word

Oh.

So I cried a bit. Leaked, more like it.
Begged myself to forgive myself for the weight gain.
Felt DEEPLY the lost ground
Felt haunted by ALICE
and by memories of the oh-so-many-times… "The Weight" "CAME BACK"

HEY!!!
P!!!

It -- "the weight" -- does NOT just 'come back'
there is no auto pilot
no magic potion

OKAY… You've been in a scary trajectory
and have taken weeks and weeks now "TRYing to rebuild Spark Skills"
("trying is lying" ???)
or something like that.

There are big big issues.
LIFE and SKILLS lacking for LIFE
Processing Difficulties… traffic jam in my heart and head

SPARK FOCUS may help you
Don't get lost in dieting

But DIET if you must… to get the trajectory steady or Onward and Downward

Friends will help you to not forget
the big picture
(no not of your ass… or the tight orange pants)

The BIG PICTURE
Your SOUL
sweetness
and
strength

and Taking Myself Lightly
seriously and sweetly

the decisions will follow
the decisions will lead

gotta go for now

March Skip Stroll Swim
On

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 7/17/2014 9:24PM

    Easy to go there. I'm right there with ya. hugs. T

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MCMARTI26 7/4/2014 11:39PM

    Forgive yourself and focus. SP will be there to help you regain confidence.

We can do this!!

Carolina M. emoticon

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CHOCOHIPPO 7/3/2014 10:25PM

    you can do this!!!!!

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BABY_GIRL69 7/3/2014 1:58PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

God bless,

Dee

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AUNTRENEE 7/3/2014 10:07AM

    Been there done that. Reading this make me realize that I have to sort out my clothes again. Got clothes that I got that I never wore because they're too big. I got a pair of jeans at Target one time that were on sale that I was going to get shortened but now they're at least 3 to 4 sizes too big.

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ANDREWMOM 7/3/2014 9:09AM

    emoticon I understand - been there MANY tiimes.

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Don't Panic

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

ahh.ha.
This is not about the history.
This is about NOW.
And This is about ME. Moi.

I've been in a panic. Accellerating.
Life circumstances. Undercurrents becoming main narratives.
I maintained a wt loss of 80 lbs for over a year.
Then shi* happened. And I did pretty good considering. Up and down. But only 5 lb swings.
Then … as challenges got more and more new and habits fell away
I panicked SOFTLY
softly at first.
COPING with food.
Grounding with food.
Transitioning with food.
Comforting with food.
Identifying with food.
Finding Familiar in Food.
Even the familiar struggle of DIET and WOES?????

Damn it!! P!!!
No no non no
Don't take that tone with yourself!!!!

Aha. There there.
WE ARE NOT DONE YET.

That's all darling
(Speak to yourself kindly. As you would someone else. With compassion.
With love.)

SPEAK TO YOURSELF WITH LOVE

I like being more lithe.
I want it.

Okay… the heavier body… the tighter clothes
has had you FREAKING OUT. PANICKING. RUNNING>
And.. guess what…?
When I'm scared like that…. I ate. I used to. And I've been doing so again.

I DO … I DO want … my script to include more than weight and food narrative.
I DO want to S T R E T C H

First things First, Love
Turn Here…. and to KM …. for the soft vulnerable truth of your fear
and for the strong wise truth of your inner being

your experience s are stretching
scarey
wanted
wanting

No where to run
No need to hide
Okay to retreat
But don't shut down, lovey
Stay with me
Stay with me
And let's find the sweet way to enjoy the time



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITMARY 7/5/2014 12:58PM

    emoticon

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CHOCOHIPPO 7/2/2014 7:10PM

    Well said!

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STEVEN_D 7/1/2014 11:39PM

    Here is what I can relate to: 80 pound weight loss in a year and keeping it off within 5 pounds or so. That is awesome and that is our connection, so let us keep going!!


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AUNTRENEE 7/1/2014 10:01PM

    Amen to that.

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annagaddadavida pranayama 'that's how the light gets in'

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

okay. it makes no sense. i know. "don't you know that I'll always be true"

i want to i will i am
i need i wish i forecast
today today today

mmhmm

yeah

b r e a t h
b r e a t h

i ordered a pranayama breathing cd. for purpose of practicing REGULARLY
PRACTICING
dOing

my joints are so freaking stiff in the a.m.
and I judge it - first. then i fear. then i let go. then i stretch.
some days i jump up in the middle of one of these.
some days i get stuck in the thoughts.

BODY
MIND
SPIRIT

T I M E
luxurious time
Summer

L I F E
where does the time go

WEIGHT
the gains are mass and volume on me

MY CLOTHES ARE TIGHT
Gosh oh my gosh. I have to quiet myself. I run away. I STAY.
When I STAY… I know that this is NOW and NEW and NOT the many past times in my life that after weight loss "i gained it back". I am not on an escalator, or a T-bar, or a ski-lift.
"IT" is not "happening again".

I AM HERE
YAY SPARK
Thank You Spark

The self talk HERE is constructive.
That's why WE COME HERE.

Hallelujah
(leonard cohen)

"…. That's how the light gets in"

Love Your Self Today

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHOCOHIPPO 6/24/2014 7:22PM

    Hallelujah!!!!

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AUNTRENEE 6/24/2014 9:58AM

    Good idea on the self talk. Need to do that more often to myself.

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2 places … but not at once

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Facing the separations.
Paying attention. No judgement.
My stuff. What remains of it… Part here, part in storage.
And my dwelling -- ssssss
California with Joe -- spare, cabin life, nature, . . . but need more than what's there
Chicago safe house, condo, fall back… things arranged.. clothes… just a few talismans
MOST of my 'stuff' is in storage

Still…
TODAY I am looking at separating
1) What to pack to California
2) What to leave here

And in that… i wonder…
1) When will I be back here?
2) What will I want and need?
3) Wanting to not haul thoings back and forth
4) Likeing having my things OUT and available but no pressure to use
(I got rid of 50 % of my things when I moved last year)
5) Likeing the sparseness of no history in things. All current.
6) I don't know what any of this means.
7) Tom Robbins has a new book out.
8) Lists make me think of him. And Paul Virilio.
9) STUFF

When will I come back to Chicago? Sept/Oct?
What am I doing?

Breaking codependency habits.
And finding a big swath of space and time that I can implement and use to BE and DO
JUST ME.
Regimen? Practice? Float?

GOALS:

yes. State some. Refine it.
Next page

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABY_GIRL69 6/13/2014 5:20PM

    Take one day at a time and remember in our youth we only needed shelter food & clothes the rest was irrelevant....

God bless & live in the moment...

Dee

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CHOCOHIPPO 6/11/2014 3:02PM

    One thing to remember, nothing is necessarily permanent. Make your move with a clear head and heart and know that your "stuff" in Chicago is waiting for you if you need to head back.

Good luck with it all. I'm rooting for you!

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Love Myself First

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Wake up
smell the roses, smell the coffee
"First rule of lifesaving…"
she said

Caretaking finito - be gone
mama, s.o. not child

forgive me if i write in code here

THE POINT IS

I am TODAY again declaring a Fresh Spark Start. Tracking and Basics
I WANT IT
I WANT TO FEEL GOOD
and I'm not going to head trip why losing weight and maintaining weight is so CORE to that being possible.

I've gained more than 10 pounds.
It's really 20.

20 Lbs. And my clothes don't fit right.
BUt the will again.

CAN"T RUSH IT.
Can't impose crazy expectations.

What worked the first time?
Easy does it.
Basics.

Check in every morning.
Have Spark Friends to companion … give to as i don't naturally do for my self
Drink Water
Track Every DAY - ALL FOOD - H O N E S T Y W S E L F
Move More

Okay.
Declaring makes things happen.

SMALL GOALS.

TODAY I WILL TRACK and DRINK MY WATER.
I am here this morning. I will come back again this evening.

I matter.
This matters.
Can't backseat this one.

Love
B R E A T H E
Be Present

The future is stupid.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABY_GIRL69 6/11/2014 4:58PM

    Love it!!

God bless,

Dee

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