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Confession of Depression & Addiction & Withdraws

Monday, September 09, 2013

Well I have been hiding away from Spark for a while, I peek in and out every now and then and I am not sticking to anything. I feel very overwhelmed and when I feel overwhelmed I feel helpless and hopeless. I have been pretty depressed for quite some time and I guess this is my public cry for help. I am just going to spill the beans and get it all out because I can't keep making excuses or hiding behind a fake smile. When I smile, I want it to be genuine, not put on to seem like I am feeling great, when I am in fact feeling terrible. My fiance' wrecked my car while the whole family was inside of it. I was the only one hurt, with bulging disks in my back, a neck sprain, horrible muscle spasms in my back and neck, and a concussion I was sent home with a prescription for Vicodin and Flexeril. I had taken it before, but my mistake was taking it this time, during a time where I was depressed and felt lonely. My fiance' was working from sun up until we lay our heads down to try to make extra money for a new car. We did not have full coverage when it came to our own vehicle. I began to feel very alone, though I really was in pain, it caused more pain then it helped, once I realized I was in fact addicted.

Painting the picture for you, I was home alone all day and night, my only 2 real friends (ones that would actually care to come hang out with me) also had car troubles at the same time. I have a 5 year old boy and a 10 month old girl, and we were all trapped in the house with no vehicle all Summer long. We lived by a park which is the only place we did go unless my mom came to bring us grocery shopping. Though the kids and I didn't really like walking to the park because it was terribly hot here in Florida, and sweaty hot kids = miserable. My daughter would be soaked in sweat and fussing, my son would want me to piggy back him home while I pushed the stroller, it was a nightmare. I did not have a living room yet because we are working on the house (we bought it) and it is more like a construction site. With open boxes that need cabinet doors, I went about my days doing the best I could to keep the children fed and entertained while keeping up with house chores and studying. Mind you, that may sound easy, but try entertaining a ten month old that just wants to crawl and walk, but you can't let her because the floors are unfinished. Yes they have been like that for some time, because my fiance is doing everything himself and he has been working so much that he can't get to everything.

So as I started taking the Vicodin, for some reason, it made the situation easier.....better. I was instantly happy, full of energy, and not only did I get my chores, studying done, and take care of the children, but I did it HAPPILY. I no longer felt lonely or depressed, I didn't feel the fatigue that the depression brought on. I felt like I could tackle any and anything, and I did it all with a smile on my face. It was like a happy to do anything pill. I started out only needing a half, then it progressed to a whole, and then to two a day. I probably would have taken more if it didn't make it impossible for me to sleep at night. As I write this I am ashamed and embarrassed that I let it happen. I am the type that never understood people who took pills, or who were addicted to other drugs. So there I was, everyday taking them, and in addition, it made me ravenously hungry. I wanted to eat everything, sweets, high carb, cheesy foods. I lost 42 pounds with my daughter and I started to pack it back on. Not on the scale, because I was losing muscle (couldn't get to the gym with no vehicle) and gaining fat. So as I weighed myself the numbers didn't change much, but my pants got tighter, and my confidence got lower.

Today is my first day without them. I barely moved off the couch, reason I did is because I have to go get my son from school. I am tired and not really depressed, but overwhelmed. My fiance bought me a car last weekend, so I have a way to get out now. Been going back to the gym, and trying to get myself back. Myself before I became a miserable mess with a magic pill to fix it. I will say that I am very hot and sweaty today, and just feel very exhausted and run down. Kind of binged this morning, trying to turn it around now. I really don't know why I am putting this out there, I guess I am just looking for some strength, they say strength in numbers right? I know some people will read this and start judging, or telling me what I did wrong, and I know that. I know people are wired to make judgments about others, all I ask is that you keep the negativity to yourself, that's not what I am here for. I need some uplifting, I need encouragement, maybe even some stories from others who have dealt with this. I just want to get it off my chest and start a new. I need help, and I can't go somewhere for it because I don't have anyone available to watch the kids. This place has been my only support system for years, so this is where I am right now. My confession, my cry for help.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NIKIZ628 10/2/2013 9:09PM

    I am so sad that I JUST now saw this blog, friend! :( This just breaks my heart that you are suffering so much! You are an amazing person and have always been there to support me. I know you can overcome anything that blocks your way! You may have hit the bottom, but in my experience, that's the best thing to use to push off of and head back up. You can send me a msg anytime, I will try to be on here more!! Hang in there!

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PINK_NEVAEH22 9/9/2013 4:12PM

    Thank you very much, thank goodness for my mother, I told her the truth about it and she is very understanding. She brought me some natural organic detox pills from our natural organic products store, also a natural inflammatory, and took the kids for a few hours so I can lift myself up and get my head together. I am going to stay strong, I told my fiance the truth as well so that there is no guilt or secrets of this anymore. I am already starting to feel better, I am sure this is much harder for people with more serious addictions or longer periods of taking them. I only took them for 3 months, but 3 months too long.

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METMEYET 9/9/2013 2:49PM

    You are on the right track to getting YOU back! Keep up the great work and your whole family will benefit! emoticon emoticon

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ANGIE121 9/9/2013 2:43PM

    Hey there girly! I'm not here to bash you at all....Honey you are human and WE ALL make mistakes! PLease always know this! The beauty of your addiction is you realize it! That's awesome! I'm happy you have a car again that will make a world of difference. I have something i can share with you that has really helped me. I have not been addicted to anything really...I have had my bout w/ Drugs and alcohol going thru my teenage years by ALL MEANs and when my husband committed suicide when our daughter was only 1.5 years I started taking sleeping pills (ALOT OF THEM) like 10-15 a night. I get my strength and guidance thru Jesus Christ and my support buddies on here (sparks) plus a lot of great friends and family. But i was embarrassed and didnt want people to know. I started to pray on it and it really helped. I was recently diagnosed w/ Stage 1 Breast Cancer. I have had 6 surgeries (including a double mastectomy) Chemo had to shave my head and yeah...it really sucked........BUT it also gave me a 2nd chance of life and a new attitude on how to live life healthy....It was sad i kinda got excited because i thought the CHemo would help me loose my appetite and loose a bunch of weight.......NOT!!!! lol but reality did hit me when i was praying. I have 1 daughter shes now 14 going to 15 next month )Lord help me teenage years are really hard) BUt i showed her (thru the cancer) how to be strong and courageous, but i was still fat and not showing her a healthy lifestyle. So her and I made a pact to do it together I have been working out and tracking everything i eat on SP and logging all my excersize and joining little groups to encourage myself. Look up some motivational stories on here they are great! If you ever need a encouragement bddie im here and Ill help u in any way i can......You can do this ! For yourself #1 and for your beautiful babies! Be the best MOm and YOU you can be! God bless you

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Food means everything

Monday, March 11, 2013

Many people seem to think that they can eat terrible food and just exercise it off, but that is so wrong. Your body has a system and depending on what foods you eat will depend on how it stores and burns fat. For me I have found that eating gluten free (by choice), Dairy free ( not by choice) is what works best for me. I basically eat meat, veggies, fruit, nuts, seeds, beans, rice, flax, coconut oil, olive oil, coconut milk, almond milk, coconut butter, and a little bit of millet and buckwheat. I really only eat the millet and buckwheat in my one indulgence which is gluten free sugar cookies. Otherwise, my carbohydrates only come in fresh fruits, potatoes and sweet potatoes, beans, and some rice. I am currently looking in to black rice, really want to try it because I heard it does not spike your blood sugar like white and brown rice do. I really feel like what you eat plays a bigger role in weight loss than a lot of people think. I am seeing good results with my diet, including reduced joint pain and inflammation. When I used to eat bread, pasta ect. my fingers would swell up. Now they are pretty much normal and the joint pain is gone. I really don't eat much wheat either and I know wheat is an inflammatory so that could be why.

I finally made it back in the gym, was sick a lot last month. I kept having issues with my tonsils becoming swollen, another reason why I decided to change my diet. When I stop breast feeding I will go back to eating dairy but only some such as feta, because I LOVE LOVE LOVE feta. I miss it so much! LOL

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PINK_NEVAEH22 3/14/2013 7:42PM

    LOL apparently I didn't mention my daughter has a cows milk protein allergy, I can't have dairy while breastfeeding her. :) I guess that made me sound pretty stupid haha

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MOM2OR 3/11/2013 8:10PM

    I know feta is bad while pregnant but I don't think any food has to do with breastfeeding... unless it's a personal choice for you. I completely agree with you though, eating healthy has EVERYTHING to do with feeling good and weight loss.

Comment edited on: 3/11/2013 8:11:09 PM

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JENSTRESS 3/11/2013 12:19PM

    You can have dairy with breastfeeding!!

And you are absolutely right. You can out eat any exercise.

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Keep getting sick with throat infections???

Monday, March 04, 2013

I have literally had one throat infection after another. First is was pharyngitis, then tonsillitis, then strep, and now I am undiagnosed but it seems to be getting better. I am going to go mad if I get another throat issue! This is in the course of a month and a half and has kept me out of the gym for over a week now! I don't know why I am getting this all of a sudden, and back to back, but it needs to go back where it came from and never come back! I am so mad because I was on a roll and I won't lie, I have been eating kind of crappy while I have been down. I swear if I don't work out, I pig out.....why? I have no idea. It goes hand and hand with me. Think it is more of an emotional thing really. I get depressed because I can't work out, I feel crappy, so I want to eat crappy. I know it doesn't make sense but it is true. I will say this.....all though I have my times of eating badly, it is never actually as bad as it used to be. My badly now is a hand full of nuts with honey drizzled on top and 6 mini marshmellows. My old crappy eating would have been a big bowl of ice cream, probably 3 to 4 servings, with melted peanut butter on top and maybe even some kind of chocolate stuff. That would be after my 2 slices of oversized gooey, greasy,cheese pizza. That just made me shiver.......lol

I have been up and down emotionally so I decided to log into spark and get some motivation. Though I am not better yet and still unable to work out, I can still get mentally ready, right? I know I probably gained a little back again, but I am not going to freak out. I have been dealing with a lot and I am proud to just say I am getting through it and still trying to stay positive. As soon as I can, I will be back at it!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKLISE 3/4/2013 8:13PM

    I am the same way....if I don't exercise,I eat crappy.
And like you, my crappy eating is way better than my regular eating of before. emoticon
Feeling sick is a bummer but take the time you need for your body to recover and make a point to nourish it with nutritious foods so it can fight the infection.
Sugar makes it hard for your body to heal itself.
emoticon emoticon

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2BDYNAMIC 3/4/2013 8:13PM

    Hang in there ............. Not long ago I had some set-backs with chronic pain issues (feet-plantar fasciitis) .......... very painful and had to cut many of the forms of exercise out that I really enjoy .......... like Zumba and all weight bearing stuff ............. so I gained a little .............. But til you are better , if you even track your food and really bone up on Vitamin C and really nutritious foods .......... in short ......... take care of you and your health .......... and I hope you see improvement soon! Get lots of rest too ................... emoticon

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ARNETTELEE 3/4/2013 7:57PM

  Sorry to hear about your throat ailments! Get well soon. Keep sparking!

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Spinning and Body Combat!!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

So I did a spin class on Sunday and I wont lie, I almost got sick. I think it's more because I didn't eat much beforehand, but I kind of started feeling a little claustrophobic from the room being dark and confined with so many spin bikes. The heat from everyone elses body felt like it was radiating towards me, yuck, LOL. I told the girl next to me that I started to feel sick and she told me there was only one song left and to just take it easy. I pushed through it and I am glad I did, though next time I will be bringing a gel bike seat cover so my butt cheeks don't hurt for 3 days afterwards, LOL. I think it will be more enjoyable next time because I will be more prepared.

Tuesday I did Zumba again and it was another great experience, I love it. Today I tried Body Combat and Oh My!!!! It was definitely tough! The trainer was all about doing it 100% and called you out if you weren't LOL. I had to take a few breaks for extra water, it definitely was a Body Combat, that's for sure! I did my best and that's what counts, I made it through to the end so I am very proud of myself because I am not in the greatest physical shape. My friends had to stop towards the end but I kept fighting through it. That is when change happens and that is what I am all about. I love the classes and so glad I joined the gym! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGPIE17 2/23/2013 3:39PM

    WTG! I saw you tried zumba too - one of my favourite classes.

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NIKIZ628 2/21/2013 2:23PM

    Look at you, girl! I am SO proud of you!

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I tried Zumba!!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

So I never thought I would actually try it because well.....I am not the most coordinated person in the world, but my workout buddy talked me into it. To my surprise, not only was it a lot of fun, but I did pretty well! So well, the instructor swore I had done it before! lol I won't lie, I had to take a 5 minute break around the 45 minute mark, so many fast squats and lunges! Yikes, I definitely feel like I have been worked out today. Thinking about trying a step class next and maybe a spin? I don't know if I will like them or if they will be too hard, but how will I know if I don't try? I am going to try all of them! LOL :) Mix it up and make it fun! I also decided to move my starting weight back to what I weighed at delivery, instead of having it at where I started back at spark. I need to see how far I have come, it motivates me mentally.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NIKIZ628 2/18/2013 1:23AM

    I have done Zumba at home, but never in a class setting. I would LOVE to try it! I am glad you enjoyed it (& didn't suck lol). YAY!!!!

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MELMOMOF4 2/12/2013 8:17PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CMV12V 2/12/2013 11:11AM

  Zumba is great, great workout and also a great stress reliever if you have had a long day.

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KRICKET4 2/12/2013 11:06AM

    I just love Zumba. It's a great workout. Glad you liked it.

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