Monday, September 09, 2013
Well I have been hiding away from Spark for a while, I peek in and out every now and then and I am not sticking to anything. I feel very overwhelmed and when I feel overwhelmed I feel helpless and hopeless. I have been pretty depressed for quite some time and I guess this is my public cry for help. I am just going to spill the beans and get it all out because I can't keep making excuses or hiding behind a fake smile. When I smile, I want it to be genuine, not put on to seem like I am feeling great, when I am in fact feeling terrible. My fiance' wrecked my car while the whole family was inside of it. I was the only one hurt, with bulging disks in my back, a neck sprain, horrible muscle spasms in my back and neck, and a concussion I was sent home with a prescription for Vicodin and Flexeril. I had taken it before, but my mistake was taking it this time, during a time where I was depressed and felt lonely. My fiance' was working from sun up until we lay our heads down to try to make extra money for a new car. We did not have full coverage when it came to our own vehicle. I began to feel very alone, though I really was in pain, it caused more pain then it helped, once I realized I was in fact addicted.
Painting the picture for you, I was home alone all day and night, my only 2 real friends (ones that would actually care to come hang out with me) also had car troubles at the same time. I have a 5 year old boy and a 10 month old girl, and we were all trapped in the house with no vehicle all Summer long. We lived by a park which is the only place we did go unless my mom came to bring us grocery shopping. Though the kids and I didn't really like walking to the park because it was terribly hot here in Florida, and sweaty hot kids = miserable. My daughter would be soaked in sweat and fussing, my son would want me to piggy back him home while I pushed the stroller, it was a nightmare. I did not have a living room yet because we are working on the house (we bought it) and it is more like a construction site. With open boxes that need cabinet doors, I went about my days doing the best I could to keep the children fed and entertained while keeping up with house chores and studying. Mind you, that may sound easy, but try entertaining a ten month old that just wants to crawl and walk, but you can't let her because the floors are unfinished. Yes they have been like that for some time, because my fiance is doing everything himself and he has been working so much that he can't get to everything.
So as I started taking the Vicodin, for some reason, it made the situation easier.....better. I was instantly happy, full of energy, and not only did I get my chores, studying done, and take care of the children, but I did it HAPPILY. I no longer felt lonely or depressed, I didn't feel the fatigue that the depression brought on. I felt like I could tackle any and anything, and I did it all with a smile on my face. It was like a happy to do anything pill. I started out only needing a half, then it progressed to a whole, and then to two a day. I probably would have taken more if it didn't make it impossible for me to sleep at night. As I write this I am ashamed and embarrassed that I let it happen. I am the type that never understood people who took pills, or who were addicted to other drugs. So there I was, everyday taking them, and in addition, it made me ravenously hungry. I wanted to eat everything, sweets, high carb, cheesy foods. I lost 42 pounds with my daughter and I started to pack it back on. Not on the scale, because I was losing muscle (couldn't get to the gym with no vehicle) and gaining fat. So as I weighed myself the numbers didn't change much, but my pants got tighter, and my confidence got lower.
Today is my first day without them. I barely moved off the couch, reason I did is because I have to go get my son from school. I am tired and not really depressed, but overwhelmed. My fiance bought me a car last weekend, so I have a way to get out now. Been going back to the gym, and trying to get myself back. Myself before I became a miserable mess with a magic pill to fix it. I will say that I am very hot and sweaty today, and just feel very exhausted and run down. Kind of binged this morning, trying to turn it around now. I really don't know why I am putting this out there, I guess I am just looking for some strength, they say strength in numbers right? I know some people will read this and start judging, or telling me what I did wrong, and I know that. I know people are wired to make judgments about others, all I ask is that you keep the negativity to yourself, that's not what I am here for. I need some uplifting, I need encouragement, maybe even some stories from others who have dealt with this. I just want to get it off my chest and start a new. I need help, and I can't go somewhere for it because I don't have anyone available to watch the kids. This place has been my only support system for years, so this is where I am right now. My confession, my cry for help.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Many people seem to think that they can eat terrible food and just exercise it off, but that is so wrong. Your body has a system and depending on what foods you eat will depend on how it stores and burns fat. For me I have found that eating gluten free (by choice), Dairy free ( not by choice) is what works best for me. I basically eat meat, veggies, fruit, nuts, seeds, beans, rice, flax, coconut oil, olive oil, coconut milk, almond milk, coconut butter, and a little bit of millet and buckwheat. I really only eat the millet and buckwheat in my one indulgence which is gluten free sugar cookies. Otherwise, my carbohydrates only come in fresh fruits, potatoes and sweet potatoes, beans, and some rice. I am currently looking in to black rice, really want to try it because I heard it does not spike your blood sugar like white and brown rice do. I really feel like what you eat plays a bigger role in weight loss than a lot of people think. I am seeing good results with my diet, including reduced joint pain and inflammation. When I used to eat bread, pasta ect. my fingers would swell up. Now they are pretty much normal and the joint pain is gone. I really don't eat much wheat either and I know wheat is an inflammatory so that could be why.
I finally made it back in the gym, was sick a lot last month. I kept having issues with my tonsils becoming swollen, another reason why I decided to change my diet. When I stop breast feeding I will go back to eating dairy but only some such as feta, because I LOVE LOVE LOVE feta. I miss it so much! LOL
Monday, March 04, 2013
I have literally had one throat infection after another. First is was pharyngitis, then tonsillitis, then strep, and now I am undiagnosed but it seems to be getting better. I am going to go mad if I get another throat issue! This is in the course of a month and a half and has kept me out of the gym for over a week now! I don't know why I am getting this all of a sudden, and back to back, but it needs to go back where it came from and never come back! I am so mad because I was on a roll and I won't lie, I have been eating kind of crappy while I have been down. I swear if I don't work out, I pig out.....why? I have no idea. It goes hand and hand with me. Think it is more of an emotional thing really. I get depressed because I can't work out, I feel crappy, so I want to eat crappy. I know it doesn't make sense but it is true. I will say this.....all though I have my times of eating badly, it is never actually as bad as it used to be. My badly now is a hand full of nuts with honey drizzled on top and 6 mini marshmellows. My old crappy eating would have been a big bowl of ice cream, probably 3 to 4 servings, with melted peanut butter on top and maybe even some kind of chocolate stuff. That would be after my 2 slices of oversized gooey, greasy,cheese pizza. That just made me shiver.......lol
I have been up and down emotionally so I decided to log into spark and get some motivation. Though I am not better yet and still unable to work out, I can still get mentally ready, right? I know I probably gained a little back again, but I am not going to freak out. I have been dealing with a lot and I am proud to just say I am getting through it and still trying to stay positive. As soon as I can, I will be back at it!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
So I did a spin class on Sunday and I wont lie, I almost got sick. I think it's more because I didn't eat much beforehand, but I kind of started feeling a little claustrophobic from the room being dark and confined with so many spin bikes. The heat from everyone elses body felt like it was radiating towards me, yuck, LOL. I told the girl next to me that I started to feel sick and she told me there was only one song left and to just take it easy. I pushed through it and I am glad I did, though next time I will be bringing a gel bike seat cover so my butt cheeks don't hurt for 3 days afterwards, LOL. I think it will be more enjoyable next time because I will be more prepared.
Tuesday I did Zumba again and it was another great experience, I love it. Today I tried Body Combat and Oh My!!!! It was definitely tough! The trainer was all about doing it 100% and called you out if you weren't LOL. I had to take a few breaks for extra water, it definitely was a Body Combat, that's for sure! I did my best and that's what counts, I made it through to the end so I am very proud of myself because I am not in the greatest physical shape. My friends had to stop towards the end but I kept fighting through it. That is when change happens and that is what I am all about. I love the classes and so glad I joined the gym!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
So I never thought I would actually try it because well.....I am not the most coordinated person in the world, but my workout buddy talked me into it. To my surprise, not only was it a lot of fun, but I did pretty well! So well, the instructor swore I had done it before! lol I won't lie, I had to take a 5 minute break around the 45 minute mark, so many fast squats and lunges! Yikes, I definitely feel like I have been worked out today. Thinking about trying a step class next and maybe a spin? I don't know if I will like them or if they will be too hard, but how will I know if I don't try? I am going to try all of them! LOL :) Mix it up and make it fun! I also decided to move my starting weight back to what I weighed at delivery, instead of having it at where I started back at spark. I need to see how far I have come, it motivates me mentally.
Get An Email Alert Each Time PINK_NEVAEH22 Posts