Sunday, June 15, 2014
I've been setting myself back lately, because I've slipped back into my "black and white" thinking pattern. It's part of a perfectionist's personality - I only feel successful and stay on track when I'm "100% good". I can have a great day, then break my healthy habits over dinner or something, then mentally get so down on myself for not being "perfect" that I keep making bad choices for days on end. It's a whole circle of self-sabotage!
And the worst part: I KNOW BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know something is always better than nothing. I know that one calorie-filled meal is not the end of the world. I know that I can balance a social life in the craft beer capital of the world with healthy habits (that reminds me - I'm going to a hard cider festival next weekend!). But I haven't been living by that mindset. I'm living almost in fear of social events and feeling like I have to choose between being healthy and unsocial or fat and happy. If I see a potentially high-calorie event in the week ahead, I throw the entire week out the window and go nuts, instead of isolating it to just the one event.
My confidence has taken a major dip. I can feel it - and I hate the way it feels. My clothes aren't fitting right and I'm feeling so negative about it. It's not only due to feeling a bit not in control, but also with recent personal issues. I look at photos of myself several years ago, at the height of my SP success, and remember what that felt like. That girl was confident, in control, and rocking it out! That girl was getting comfortable in her own skin and felt accepted. So who is this girl today? Why am I continuing down this road, despite the fact that I know feeling otherwise is completely within my control?
It's been 4 years since I hit my lowest weight, and then started to go back up. I just want to get there again. It's within my control, I can do it by following the same plan that I found success with before. I called it the 80/20 rule - be on track 80% of the time, allowing for holidays and special events where a restricted calorie plan is difficult to follow. I will commit to following this plan for 4 weeks, and if it's not working, so be it. But if it is, I'll have some success to build on and keep it up!
Monday, April 21, 2014
I know that stress is one of the most commonly used words these days, I know that many others are experiencing stress, and that I am no different than them. I'm usually good at juggling everything that happens in my life, but I'm going through one of those times when I feel like I'm crumbling under the pressure of life. I'm hoping that blogging about it will help.
First: something to celebrate! I'm on day 21 in a row of my April workout challenge. That's right, I've done at least 10 minutes of fitness everyday for the last 21 days. This is a first. I've averaged about 20 minutes a day, and I'm really quite proud!
I'm getting it from all sides: husband is struggling (still, after 4 years) with his decision to move to Oregon with me and had a child-like meltdown where he stated he is seriously considering moving back, even if that was without me.
Next, I've taken on the very large job of a colleague who unexpectedly resigned, which is more intense than I could ever have imagined. I'm working very long hours, not getting breaks, and am feeling so under appreciated that I'm starting to have near anxiety-attacks just thinking about going to work. My primary assignment that my job rating and bonus is suffering while I'm pulled to my secondary assignment - all for zero incentive to me (I'm not being compensated in any way for this; if my primary assignment under performs in my absence, I may be rated lower at bonus time and lose out on money). I was already struggling with not having a good work-life balance, due to my work schedule and missing events in my friends/family's lives on a weekly basis, and this has thrown it completely off balance.
On top of that, my grandfather died yesterday. We haven't been close in a long time, but were when I was young. Nevertheless, a life was lost, and there is now a void left for so many people I love. Due to my schedule, I will not be able to take time to mourn and will need to press on. Also due to husband's seemingly sensitive mental state, have been unable to really share this with him and get support.
I know that everybody goes through rough patches, and this is just my time. I know this will pass, and I'm almost afraid to see how it will pass, what will happen. I'm afraid to admit that even though I'm experiencing some pain and frustration now, this may be just the beginning. As a result, I've been drowning my stress in some sugar :) Nothing too out of control, and I've been keeping up the daily workouts. With any luck, this to shall pass. Quickly.
Monday, March 24, 2014
I can't believe it's been 8 years since I joined Spark. I don't even remember how I heard about it, I think it was just a random ad online that brought me in. It was 6 months before my wedding, and I was so frustrated that, although I'd been engaged for 1.5 years already, I'd waited that long to start losing weight for my big day. I was desperate. I turned that desperation into determination and dropped about 30 lbs before I walked down the aisle. No magic pills, no crash diets. My friends would ask what I was doing, not expecting me to say simply "Eating well and exercising!". It wasn't that easy to make it happen, but my plan was that simple.
We won't discuss the 10 lbs I gained during our all-inclusive honeymoon (it was a week-long food and drink fest), but when I got back, Spark was still a part of my routine. It helped me get down to my lowest weight since high school, maybe even middle school. It's still a part of my routine. I have had periods of time that I wouldn't log in, wouldn't be focused on a healthy lifestyle, but I always come back. I haven't kept it all off, but I've never gone back to my starting weight!!
Spark works, it's the only thing that works. There is no healthy quick fix. There is no magical solution. It's about committing to a healthy lifestyle and sticking to it!! I'm committed, and I'm sticking to it. It won't always be easy, but nothing worth having comes easy, right?
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Over the past three weeks, it feels like the weight loss gods are against me. It's one thing after another! I've been struggling to keep up my healthy habits (although I am still having at least one Green Monster a day, for 4-8 fruits/veggies per day!). I'm struggling most with making good choices outside of my Green Monsters, and getting in exercise.
I know life is never easy, and there will ALWAYS be distractions and things getting in the way - I need to keep pushing. It's just pretty rare that everything has been working against me at once! Three weeks ago, I was out of town - stuck to my eating plan in the beginning, then gave in to temptation pretty hard. Two weeks ago, I had three nights of unexpected late night work meetings, getting in only 2 workouts and struggling with healthy choices at my meetings.
I was ready to get back on my exercise plan early last Monday, and wondered why it was incredibly hard to finish my workout; I was extraordinarily exhausted, yawning through the whole thing. So weird. The next day, I went home sick from work....that's why I was so tired! The next day, I pushed through to go to work, then I got bit in the face by a dog I was examining (first time EVER). My illness has become progressively worse each day. I haven't been sleeping at all. Last night, I finally forced myself to sleep (hello again sleeping pills, it's been years since I needed you!), and today forced myself to stay down on the couch and rest.
It's time to kick this crud so I can get back on track. What am I going to do? Plan my meals for the coming week, enter into my food tracker, and plan workouts. If I end up not being strong enough to workout, at least I'll be eating smartly.
ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, February 17, 2014
This past week was much better than I had thought: down 3.6 lbs at my weigh in today! WOO HOO!!! When I weighed in last week, I noticed that my scale was being wonky. It gave me a different number each of the 5 times I stepped on it. Grrrr. It's one of those fancy ones that tell you body fat, muscle %, etc. So I broke out my old trust one that stuck with me on my initial Spark journey (it's boring. No bells and whistles), and stepped on it: FIVE POUNDS MORE THAN FANCY SCALE! Double-checked with my hand weights and confirmed that Fancy Scale is indeed about 5lbs off. I gained more weight than I had initially thought........Momentary freak out. Totally bummed.
I had to have a serious pep talk with myself to remind me that the number means nothing more than my relationship with gravity. It did explain why my clothes felt so tight even though I'd only gained a couple pounds (or so I thought! No wonder!!). In the end, I reminded myself, it wasn't how many pounds I'd gained or lost, it was about how I was feeling and how many healthy things I'd been doing over the last few weeks.
With my big scale disappointment behind me, I had to focus on the week ahead. It was Valentines Day week, our team meeting week - I knew that I would face many challenges, and here's how I made it work, plus the celebrations I had along the way:
1. Sticking to at least one Green Monster smoothie each day. It gives me about 4 servings of fruits/veggies each day (along with lots of protein and other good stuff) and really does help curb my sugar cravings. I figure that even if the rest of my day goes to hell, I've at least got that under my belt. My skin is literally glowing since starting them, I heard it would, but I didn't believe it.
2. Double workout Mondays!! Monday is my day off, so I can get in a shorter workout in the AM, along with my regular PM workout, and BOOM - an extra cardio session happens! It also helps in case something comes up during the week and I miss a workout.
3. For the first time EVER, I brought my own lunch to our team meeting (I provide pizza for everybody). Being the leader of the meeting helps, because I really don't have a chance to eat with the rest of them, so I can easily bypass that pizza! It felt really good.
4. We did end up getting heart-shaped pizza for Valentines Day, which I enjoyed guilt-free. I had my two pieces, and my two glasses of wine and stopped. I did have a couple pieces of chocolate from the hubs, but then I put the rest away. I may have gone just a bit over my calories for the day, but it was a holiday (not a holi-week!) and I had planned for it, and stuck to reasonable portions. Normally I would have thrown out all my healthy intentions, ate half the pizza and a bottle of wine, and finished all my candy in one night so I wouldn't have to be tempted to have it on later days. VICTORY OVER VALENTINES DAY! That never happens!
5. I was able to fit back into my jeans and favorite work pants that have felt a bit muffin top-a-licious the past two months. They'll be more comfortable as I continue to drop pounds, but at least I can wear them again, even if's not perfect.
Despite what I thought were barriers to success, I still made it work and saw a loss for the week! GO ME!
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