Thursday, April 11, 2013
It's been a LONG LONG time since I've even logged in. Right after my last blog post, I met my now fiance and we are getting married on September 7th! Not only have I gained new love, I've gained probably 2/3 of my weight back. It's amazing what happens when you're focused on someone else and if you let their "love you no matter what" attitude cause you to forget about your healthy goals.
Well, my dress will be here sometime in June, and I think I will set up my first fitting for July 1st. This gives me 3 months to lose as much as possible. After that I will have to maintain my weight for a couple months in order for it to be altered properly. I want to feel comfortable and beautiful on my special day. Currently I can't stand the cottage cheese that has seemed to park itself on my arms and my extra chin. I won't belittle myself or keep complaining, but need to come to terms with the fact that I have to take control.
Not only am I wedding planning, but I am house hunting (lots of paperwork) and acting as a primary caregiver for my stepfather who is on hospice. I'm also still working part time. I let the stress of it all accumulate and cause me to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Losing weight can remind me of how I can keep control over at least something right now and not get buried in emotions, aka binge eating. With the help of some great friends, my fiance and my family, I know I can succeed.
Peace, love and veggies!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I've slipped "off the wagon" the last couple weeks due to parties, friends and excuses, but here I am again. I missed the accountability. I wanted some motivation for my continued work to prove to me that my hard work did/does pay off. I realized I'm doing this so slowly, however, it's been staying off. I found a book where I scribbled down my measurements in July of 2010 when I had lost about 35lbs. I wish I had taken my measurements when I FIRST started this journey, but I can't go back. So, I decided I would take a look-see at the size chart where I did most of my shopping (Torrid). This is what I based these guesstimates on.
Me in January 2010
Me in August of 2011
I'd also like to add since July last year, my thighs (my worst problem spot) have each shrunk 2-3".
So..it's working. Just gotta keep this train a-movin'!
Time to start the 30DS again. Going to be taking measurements every 2 weeks during this adventure. Oh, dear Jillian, how I've missed your a$$ kickings.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
I'm currently sitting in an "office" of sorts working my last two hours of my 40 hr week. Today I'm in a different part of the hospital and haven't been walking most of this 10 hr shift. I feel tired, sluggish and ready to go on home.
I've realized that my weight is going to stay where it is for now. I'm going to continue to eat healthy and workout, but I can't be focused on a number. Today at work the girls wanted to order Mexican food, and I immediately thought "mmm, chile rellenos with warm gooey cheese and rice and beans and guacamole and sour cream!" Then the harsh reality that a meal like that would completely derail my efforts yet again hit me like a slap across the face. However, I managed to still order out and get the flavors I wanted. I got myself some chicken fajitas with corn tortillas and a side of pico de gallo. I plugged the foods into the nutrition tracker and tried to assume the highest amounts so that I wouldn't think that I had eaten less than I actually did...
All in all, from what I can see, the meal came to about 450 calories, which is about how much I had planned to eat with my packed lunch. So, hey, I ate what I wanted and still maintained my calories. After work I plan to go to the store and pick up some food for dinner tomorrow at the parents and then turn on Miss Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and sweat it out. Then I can relax and enjoy the rest of the night.
Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!
Friday, August 05, 2011
Lately I have posted to message boards and blogged about how wonderfully happy I am to be having these near breakthrough moments with exercise, diet and emotional stability. Truth is, I am happy most of the time, but I'm struggling. My weight on SP says 210 because I DID reach that. Then suddenly my body decided to retain 8 pounds of water. Let me repeat that. **8 POUNDS!!!!**
I was told by my fitness fiend friends not to worry and to push it a little harder, eat right, drink tons of water and things would be normal in about a week. Well, they were right at first. I'd dropped almost 5lbs of that weight and thought I'd overcome it all. I've been working out every day for the last 5-6 days (not hours at a time, just a really hard 20 minutes, but that is more than I have in the past), I've eaten well despite a bad day here or there with friends, and I've drank more water than I thought was humanly possible. I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 217lbs. I have not weight 217 in probably two or three months. My heart broke.
I guess my logical side understands that I've hit some sort of plateau, that it's mostly water, but I feel defeated by my own body. I feel big, fat, hopeless. I will workout today because I know that giving up isn't going to solve anything, and I won't eat the sh!t that isn't good for me because I'll just feel worse. I don't know what to do. I've spent the last 15 minutes crying and I don't know how to get out of it.
I have never experienced this since the first week I started trying to lose weight in January of 2010. This feeling of my goal being an impossibility. I want to be under 200lbs, ideally 195 lbs by my birthday (October 4) and I just don't think it's possible at this point. That's a hard fact to accept.
Thanks for anybody who is reading this...
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
How can I explain those two things?
The Voice in My Head: She is often critical, overly so, of me and the things I do. Occasionally she says cruel things that are not necessary, helpful, or truthful. She can twist the truth and skew facts until I think something about myself or how I'm perceived that is totally untrue and unrealistic. My whole life, this voice has been the negative force that has kept me from believing in myself, chasing my dreams and goals, and being the healthy person that resides at the core of my being.
The Feeling in My Heart: It is always hopeful and longing for the love that I know is out there. The love for and from my friends, family and maybe one day a partner. More and more it slowly grows into a feeling of self-acceptance and appreciation. The internal feeling does not match the exterior shell in which it resides, but it fuels a desire to change that fact.
There are days where these two little things start to combine. The cynical voice takes a cue from the feeling and starts to soften the tone and keep the negative comments at bay. The feeling is molded into one that is realistic about expectations and celebrates the here and now. I know that eventually it will all be cohesive. It is binding together more as I make choices that better my life.
I feel the day coming where I will wake up, be thankful for the love in my life (especially the love for myself), look in the mirror and smile and know that the future, although unpredictable, will be what I make of it. It will be one of the greatest days of my life, but, perhaps, so subtle that I may not even recognize that it happened. That moment of "I'm completely happy," is somewhere around the corner of my upcoming experiences. I can't wait to embrace it fully.
Have you had *that* day yet?
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