Friday, March 01, 2013
I just ready my post from Feb 4th, and I could have written it today. Not much has changed at all. I am feeling the same feelings of ugliness today, feeling like my foundation isn't right, feeling fat and lethargic and bloated and exhausted. All the same things as usual.
I am so tired! I have been sleeping well, so I don't know why I am so exhausted. I think that after I write this entry, I will take a walk. I had McDonald's for breakfast, of course, which I know is terrible. And I keep saying, "tomorrow I'll stop eating fast food." And does it ever happen? Not until I truly decide for it to happen, and lately my motivation has been GONE.
Ugh. Our maintenance man just walked by and is drenched in cologne. He's so nice, but the cologne is horrible. Gives me a headache.
I'm going for a walk.
Ok. Back from my walk. I walked for a half an hour, at a relatively quick pace. I found a nice route that would be perfect for running, and just as perfect for walking, of course, if in fact I never get the motivation up to run. But I think that I will, eventually.
It felt great to walk. My left foot is blistered, I can tell, from wearing my office shoes. But whatever. It feels well worth it. It's beautiful out, if a bit hazy, but warmer than it's been since November. It's glorious, and I'm so glad that it's the weekend, almost.
I read so much about the emotional aspects of why people eat when stressed, and why people can't get weight off, and why they regain after losing. Even on The Biggest Loser, they go on and on about how there is always "something underneath" or "something inside" that makes people gain weight. I don't often relate it to myself, though. For myself, I just think that I'm lazy, and like to eat. Not much emotion to that, really.
But, as I was walking today, I was thinking a little about my mother. My mother and I send emails back and forth every week or so, but have spoken maybe twice since December of 2010. And those times were when I called her. The only two times she has called me in the last couple of years have been when she was out of state visiting her mother (my grandmother), and was calling so my grandmother and aunts could talk to me--almost like a show, as if she were saying "Oh look, she and I are so close." At least that's how it felt, since she never calls me on her own.
My father is another story altogether. He will go years without speaking to me (such as right now). He sent me a very strange email two days before my birthday, after not speaking to me, answering emails, etc. The email said, "Happy xxth birthday on January 10, 2013. Love, Dad." I replied back to say thank you, ask him how he was doing, and gave a few-sentence update that same day of how things were here, how his grandchildren are. Any response? Nope, none. Nothing. And I am actually now thinking that he has some sort of program in his email that sends auto emails out to people whose birthdays are on his email calendar. That would explain the strange wording of the email, and the reason it was sent in the first place.
Essentially, I've gotten over all issues with my dad. I've dealt with things from him for decades (like the day before my 21st birthday, when I was visiting home for a weekend, he said, completely out of the blue as we were all sitting around visiting, "I hate you more than you'll ever hate me." (This literally came out of nowhere, for nothing, and he looked right at me with all the hatred he had in him. I didn't know what to say, and all I could come up with was, "I don't hate you." He got up and left the room. I left and went back to my home (in a different state) first thing the next morning.) , and I understand that it's over, and it will never improve, and so it truly doesn't bother me much any more. I just feel sorry and sad for him sometimes, because he had a very difficult life. Not that a difficult life is any excuse, but it does explain many things.
But my mother, that one still bothers me. Partly because she still emails, as if nothing is amiss, and partly because she still signs letters from both her and my dad, and mostly because I haven't had any sort of real, genuine, substantial conversation or correspondence with her in over two years. We email back and forth--hi, how are you, i am fine, aunt so-and-so had cataract surgery, one of the kids was in a play, i had a sore throat but am better, it has been snowy off-and-on--and really what's the point. What. Is. The. Point.
My parents truly, truly always did like my sister better than me. Yes, I know it sounds cliche' and immature, but it's absolutely true, and my father actually said it. Word for word. Literally. When I was in the second grade, no less. Not to mention all the later times when he told me I was ruining his life, I had ruined his life by being born, I was ruining his marriage, I was making my mother miserable, this-that-and-the-other was all my fault. Literally. His words.
And the times my mother never stuck up for me. Not at all. Except for the time when I was 17 and my father was beating me, and she stepped in, so that I could run.
And run I did. But after a year and a half of living with another family, of having my dad find out where I was, and park down the hill from my foster family's house, sitting in his car watching the house (I never knew this, but my foster parents did), I tried again. We all tried. But again, pointless.
I'm getting a bit angry sitting here, writing this.
If any man beat a child of mine, I would leave him. I would take my children and leave. It would not be a forgivable crime. Not. Ever.
But yet she stayed, and she said that it was because my father had told her he'd take my sister and leave, and she'd never see my sister again.
My gosh, this all sounds so insanely screwed up, writing it all down like this. And there are so many other stories. It's surreal writing it down. I almost feel dizzy. And sick to my stomach.
So yes, maybe there is a reason I'm screwed up. Maybe there is a reason I'm always depressed and exhausted and afraid. And yes, it's not good to blame other people for your faults or your weaknesses or your flaws. But dammit, it all came from somewhere. Kids aren't depressed and angry and breaking things at 10 without a reason.
So. About this "something underneath" that keeps me from keeping weight off, that makes me perpetually disgusted and unsatisfied with myself, that makes me afraid of everything... I need to unload it. Honestly, what I'd like to do is never email my mother again. Just never communicate with her again. That's not a problem with my father. That one is already over. But thinking about not emailing my mother makes me feel guilty, because I truly don't want to hurt her feelings. I've tried to talk with her about things, and the answer is, "Oh, your dad has a funny way of seeing things." She just doesn't address anything. So, we don't talk about anything that matters. And I'm just no good at small talk.
I have friends who are so close with their mothers. And so many songs and stories talk about how everyone "calls mom" when things get hard, when they have something exciting to share, or when there is something major going on in their lives. Or they "go home" when they need a rest. I don't have that kind of family, or that kind of mom. And that makes me sad.
I don't have a mother I can talk to about things. So I journal. But the journal doesn't fill that void. So I stuff my face with chips. And that helps, actually, as pathetic as it sounds.
I need to figure this out. To figure out what to do, in order to just drop these feelings, this sense of loss and emptiness, and this sense of fear that I will lose everyone who means anything to me. My biggest fear is losing a loved one, and for something completely out of my control, or because I'm just "me." Because after all, that's how I lost my parents.
Well, that is a realization I hadn't thought of before. At least it's a start. My fear comes from feeling like I'm going to lose my husband or one of my kids, and that fear stems from the lost relationships with my parents.
Interesting. Well, here we go.
Monday, February 04, 2013
Maybe if I knew exactly what it was that I wanted, then I could lose weight and keep it off. I want to be beautiful and skinny and muscular, and I feel like no matter what I do, I'll always feel slightly homely, and I'll always feel exactly the same way I've felt at every other weight I've ever been. I will feel the same, no matter what, so what's the point?
Why do I feel homely? Because my face is puffy and has moles on it, and because my head is a weird shape--not nice and round in the back. And because I have blackheads and whiteheads on my face.
Most of the time I feel kind of pretty, but then if I look much at myself in the mirror, apart from doing my utilitarian daily maintenance like foundation, then I start feeling ugly and trying to decide what other people must think I look like.
But I've been told by a couple relatives that I look like my Aunt Carolyn, and she is beautiful. The moles run in that side of my family. I have one beside my nose and one on my cheekbone. They aren't that bad, really.
And my blackheads and whiteheads don't seem to be getting better no matter what I do. I'm 39 and still have this same skin issue I've had since I was 16. It doesn't make sense. It's just got to be hormonal, I guess? I don't even know.
My makeup is the wrong color. I realized that over the weekend. I want to get a new foundation. I like my pressed powder, but it's much paler than the foundation. I like the texture of the foundation, too. I think I just need a different shade of it. I am getting close to the end of the current bottle anyway, so that is good.
And I do want to run and exercise, but can't find the time or the motivation. A lot of that is because I have no schedule or routine, and never will have either. Ever. I have to simply get used to that, and try to just make myself do some sort of exercise, maybe at the end of the day at work. That might actually work well. If I could take the last half hour to exercise three days a week. Then it wouldn't matter if I didn't shower or change back into work clothes, because I'd just be going home anyway. That's a great idea.
So, that's one thing.
The thing about not liking how I look is just unfixable, as far as I can tell. I get no compliments from Jeff, and that will never change.
And I have high-ish cholesterol, but eating bacon in the morning is pretty much the only way I am able to lose weight. So, tomorrow I will start doing that again, and start South Beach for a couple weeks. I get to start drinking pop again tomorrow, after 28 days off of it. I don't feel better being off of it, I know that. And in fact, I eat worse, because I don't have the pop to fill that void of needing something to eat or drink when I need a pick-me-up.
So, starting tomorrow, I will:
1. work out at the end of the day for a half hour, even if it's just stairs the whole time. Once the ground isn't so icy, maybe I'll be able to start running.
2. start South Beach, and start eating my bacon breakfast again.
3. And this weekend, I will get new foundation in a better color.
Those are my little goals for this week.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
I feel like I've been on turbo for the last three weeks. My husband had to have surgery to remove his kidney stones, but now they are finally gone, at least for now. My daughter is in a new daycare now, and she is loving it, so that's another major area of stress that's passed.
I have been doing a lot of artwork, and that's been really fun and relaxing. My daughter has been doing artwork of her own, and she's so talented. I love watching her create her art. Tomorrow is picture day at school, so I'll be putting her hair up tonight in 35 to 40 little curlers--her request. It's a lot of work, but very fun. She reads to me while I curl her hair. Very fun. :)
I ate four little mini 100 grand bars this afternoon. I haven't had sugar in about four weeks, and I just had the urge. They tasted ok, not as good as anticipated, and now I feel a headache starting. Oddly, I haven't had any heart palpitations, hot flashes or headaches since dropping sugar, which has been wonderful. I think that I will just keep it up, because the sugar in these little candy bars is making me feel a bit yucky.
Overall, things are calming down, and going really well. I'm ready for a relaxing weekend of doing nothing!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Finally, one stressful issue has been solved! We have new daycare for my daughter, and she starts tomorrow. It's the same owner as her current daycare, and a slot at the smaller center just opened, and they are letting us switch to the smaller center immediately. So, she starts tomorrow! She is going to be so happy. I can't wait to tell her.
Now we just need my husband's kidney stones to pass! That's been the stressor over the last few days. He gets terrible stones made of calcium oxalate, and they are barbed, and he's had one get lodged before, and had to have surgery. The doctor is worried that this one has lodged itself in, so he has to have another cat scan within the next few days, if he doesn't pass it. If it hasn't moved since the last cat scan, they will have to do surgery. My poor husband!! It is so hard to see such a strong, tough, wonderful man in so much physical pain. It's just awful.
So, hopefully it will pass soon, and it will be over. He has one more small one still in his left kidney, but it looks like it will be one that will pass on its own. A few years ago, he had six in the kidney, so he's passed all but that last one, and the one that is giving him a hard time right now.
I am down to 143.5. I am really happy with that loss. 8.5 pounds. That's quite good, I think. I still want to get down to 137, where I was a few years ago, but that is doable. That is only 6.5 pounds away, and I know I can do that within a month or so, as long as I don't go crazy with some farmer's market bread or pastries, haha. :)
It's raining outside today, and it's beautiful. I love it, because it seems like fall is on its way. I am going to make an Amazon.com order this weekend, I think. And probably a Mountain Rose order, too. I need some frankincense oil, or however it's spelled. There are three art books I am hoping to get. One is a collage book on making little French-type fashion ladies in collage, one is a painting/mixed media book that was just recently released, and the third is one on painting for art journaling that looks really wonderful. My daughter and I did so much artwork over the weekend. It was so much fun.
This evening after work, she and I will go and sign paperwork at her new daycare, and go feed the ducks at the duck pond. Then it will be time to go home to do homework and settle in for the evening. We will probably do some artwork right before her bedtime. We've been having a great time with our acrylic craft paints.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Yesterday evening, I went to the gas station to take back a Redbox movie and to get a diet Dr. Pepper. I was standing in the check-out line, and guess what...I got checked out, haha!! I got checked out by a 30-something man with lots of tattoos and a funny moustache. I am quite sure he is a gang member (there are some gangs around here, which is scary, but they seem to congregate in the town next door, for some reason). Anyway, he smiled awfully nicely at me (even if he was quite scary), and then as he was leaving the parking lot in his car, and I was getting into mine, he drove by slowly, and he was looking at me again. Creepy, but flattering. I suppose I am officially certifiable now, haha! But I tell you, it felt great to be looked at by someone! :)
I am back at work today, after a three-day weekend. Today is my little girl's first day back to school. She was very excited. The first day of school is always such fun! I am leaving work early to go pick her up, too, which will be great. I'm excited to see her, to hear how her day went! She has such a sweet teacher this year.
I am down six and a half pounds! I am so excited, and can really tell the difference in my upper abdomen, my "love handles" and my jawline and face. My husband even actually commented about it!! He said, "You lose your weight first here (pointing at his jawline) and here (pointing at his love handle area)." He didn't go so far as to offer a compliment, but it was nice to be noticed, especially since I've felt so much like a part of the walls lately.
My cheekbones and arms are the next phase. It's very strange how you learn how your body changes with weight loss and gain when you yo-yo. Ugh. I wish I didn't know, haha, but unfortunately I have yo-yo'd a bit in the last ten years.
I am wearing a cute outfit today, almost all of which came from the local thrift store. I love thrift store shopping for clothes. I'm wearing a light camel ankle-length skirt and a denim snap-down shirt with a collar, both thrifted, and a pair of leather Born sandals, also thrifted. And I wore my new swirly, ocean blue scarf that I made last night from an old t-shirt. I love my scarf! I had so much fun making the scarves. There are gobs of tutorials online and on Pinterest for making different types of scarves from old t-shirts. The majority of them are no-sew, too, like mine. I feel really nice in my outfit today. I am wearing a wide stretchy belt over my denim shirt, and I feel like my waist looks nice, too.
It's so rare for me to feel like I look this nice, so I thought I'd document it, so I remember that it actually DOES happen sometimes! :)
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