Monday, May 31, 2010
I'm exhausted. For some reason, I can't sleep at night and I toss and turn for hours - even my best sleep-inducing techniques are failing me. I still feel good about my exercising, but I'm starting to get physical symptoms of sleep deprivation and I'm sure the stress will impact my weigh-in this week. I feel nauseated and my energy levels keep dropping.
This week, I'm working on adjusting my sleep schedule to make me get up earlier in the hopes that I'll be more tired earlier in the evening. I have to drive a long way this coming weekend for a wedding, farther than I've ever driven at once before, actually, and I don't want to feel like this in the car for six hours.
Ugh. I'm putting off the weigh-in to tomorrow for the 1st of June in the hopes that I'll feel less awful then.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Last night I got two wonderful small successes that reflect the hard work I've been putting into my healthy lifestyle changes.
The first requires some backstory. When I turned 16, my parents gave me a gold ring with a blue sapphire in it as an indication that I was now mature enough to get such presents. (I didn't have a boyfriend - or pierce my ears - until I was 18, so it was the first "adult" jewelry I'd ever received.) I've worn it on the ring finger of my right hand ever since. It fit great at 16 when I weighed about 150 pounds, and I could still take it on and off comfortably for tasks like making meatballs a year ago when I weighed just under 180 pounds. Last summer, when I put on an additional ten pounds by living with my parents for a couple of months, I discovered that I could no longer get it to come off. This bothered me a lot; it was one of the signs that things had gone too far and I worried about what would happen if I got even heavier and the ring became too tight. Would it have to be cut off? I felt like a complete failure.
Last night, I was absentmindedly playing with my ring and I found that it came off easily. Only three weeks in, and the ring comes off. It's such a relief to know that I've reached my first tiny milestone on my weight loss marathon! It's such a small thing, and yet it means so much to me.
Last night, after three weeks of doing modified pushups and after my first week's fitness test resulted in a grand total of half of a pushup in one minute, I can now do two sets of twelve pushups. Twenty-four REAL pushups. My arms have rarely, even in my teenage lifeguarding days, been strong enough for very many pushups. Although the ones I did were small and I still have a ways to go, it's a major accomplishment for me - I was never into strength training before now, but I'm really enjoying it and I'm seeing results already!
And, as a bonus, I was going to the bus stop on Thursday and discovered the bus was early and I wouldn't make it unless I ran (I can see it reach an earlier stop on my way there). I had a distance to go that a month ago I wouldn't have been able to run, and I said to myself, "Why not try it?" I'd been doing cardio, but not running (I don't have a treadmill yet, and I don't do well in the heat we've had for the past week and a bit so I've been working out indoors), but I ran all the way there, caught the bus, and was barely breathing hard. I felt so accomplished and so proud of the effects of the work I've been putting into my fitness regime. Before I started doing cardio every day, I could only run about half that distance, and I would be trying to hide my "I'm going to pass out"-type breathing from other bus passengers. Now I feel like I can really reach my someday-goal of being able to run a 5K or even a 10K.
So, this week (week THREE), I have seen the following results BEFORE my Monday weigh-in:
1) I can take off a ring that I've been unable to remove for a year;
2) I can do a real pushup - actually, multiple SETS of real pushups, something I definitely couldn't do before I started exercising; and
3) my endurance has improved significantly for everyday things.
If this is how good I feel about myself in week 3, I can only imagine how good I'm going to feel in week 6, or week 9, or week 12. It really is true that the small successes are so important for staying motivated.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Well, I survived being overfed at my parents', largely because they have a Wii and the Wii Fit Plus package and I played it a lot. In fact, I burned 1200 calories over the three days I was away using the Wii. Besides just the Wii Fit stuff, they had a new game, called Just Dance, which was a GREAT workout. Now, of course, I want a Wii even more, but it'll have to wait until we've saved up for and bought a few big-ticket items we really need.
I also discovered the joys of Nestea Zero, which actually has zero calories! And I like iced tea so much more than pop anyway. I'm not going to run out and buy a case of it or anything, but it's a good alternative to pop when I'm out or visiting at someone's house.
I only lost half a pound last week, but considering how much food there was this weekend, I'm just happy it was a negative number. I'm still going in the right direction!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Right now I'm on a train, going to visit my parents for the weekend. This is my first real test - can I continue to exercise every day, log what I eat, and pay attention to my portions without 1) tipping off my mother that I'm on a diet (I do not want that "advice" and crap this time) and 2) insulting my dad, who is a great cook and likely has some great (and not particularly unhealthy) meals planned? We'll see. Mostly my goal is to not get into an argument with them about what I'm doing with my life, but it would be nice if I could keep up my new healthier lifestyle at the same time.
Stress level = 5, here I come!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
...I told my boyfriend that I weigh 30 more pounds than he does. When we started dating five years ago, I weighed 20 pounds less than he did and I was the lightest I'd ever been since I finished growing at 14. I've finally been totally honest with him and disclosed everything about how unhealthy I've become, and it feels like a massive weight off my chest.
For years, I've been afraid to tell him how much I weigh except in vague generalities because I felt like so much of a failure. Now, for the first time, I feel like success is possible, and I'm not embarrassed anymore. He is my rock in all this, and is 100% supportive of me, but him remaining thin throughout our relationship as I've ballooned into this state has made me extremely jealous and miserable. I'm done being jealous now. I need this, not because I'm embarrassed, but rather because I'm determined. And he's determined with me, and is proud of me. Now that he knows where I'm at, I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from him any more. I am worried that I'll feel guilty if I fail again, but I keep telling myself that I won't fail again. I can choose not to, and I just won't.
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