Monday, November 11, 2013
Whoops, it's been a little too long since the last blog post!
My struggles continue, so while I know it is not the best idea, it is the only idea I have at the moment. I am not going to track my food. This obviously will not help with weight loss, but I think it will help with stress. I stopped in the middle of last week, and it has helped a little. At least I don't log my food, see the numbers exceeding my range, and feel bad about myself.
I am still measuring things and maintaining proper portions, so at least there's that. I did have a minor crisis this morning, as my little container of milk fell over and spilled in my bag, leaving a trail of milk droplets. So there went breakfast. Grape Nuts without milk isn't really possible, haha.
My blood work was perfect, so my exhaustion is not related to my thyroid. To be honest, I wish it was. At least that I can fix. How do you fix fatigue when you're getting 8-9 hours of sleep at night?
The support is still limited, but I've reinforced the relationships I have to hopefully make it a little easier to get help when I need it. At least I'm able to pinpoint the fake support and not let it bother me.
We'll see how this lack of tracking goes for right now. I've got to fix other things before I can refocus on my weight loss. Onward!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
It's been a while since I've blogged, and it's just further proof of my fizzling motivation. I'm not entirely sure how to get out of this funk; finding the little nugget of inspiration has been difficult.
My eating has been somewhat out of control. I still measure things out, but I don't track them - then I'll eat a bunch of mini candy bars. So weird for me. I'm actually good at eating just one or two, but eight? Something feels off inside my body. At first I thought it was my period, but it persisted even after that week was over. I'm not pregnant, so it's not that either.
Like I said, something feels off. I went to the doctor, and I'll be having my blood work rechecked early next month, particularly my thyroid to see if my meds need readjusted. I've been tired and SO irritable, which is also why I thought it might be my period but again that week is over and I should have returned to baseline. I also have a knot in the back of my leg, which my doctor thinks is just a broken blood vessel, but it's in a location that makes walking uncomfortable.
My weekly weigh-ins have not gone well since the BLC started. That said, I've only gained in .2 increments with a maintenance since last week. I'm trying not to be hard on myself since I recognize my faults and can't expect a big loss when I'm not measuring and tracking, but what I do see is how much weight I could have lost if I'd stayed in my calorie range; basically maintaining with my eating habits is pretty miraculous, haha.
I am also struggling with support. What I mean by that: everyone is supportive, but nobody really asks how I'm doing, if I need an extra push, if I need someone to talk to. That is probably my fault - I don't often broadcast my need for help. I also don't have a lot of friends, haha.
Regardless, I'm tired and I'm fed up with feeling crappy all the time. Still no pain free days since May. Ridiculous. I am feeling a little better today with a plan (blood work to start) and a nice big salad for lunch. Veggies save the world!
I will get through it. It's just going to be a pain until I find my strength again.
Monday, October 07, 2013
The BLC weekend challenge asked us to blog about our journey. Most people have been focusing on why they are on it.
That used to be a hard question. Truthfully. Most women have very low self-esteem; I think being assaulted by thousands of airbrushed images of perfection makes that really easy. For the first 20 years of my life or so, I had really low self-esteem. I was terribly shy and uncomfortable around people my age (I moved around a lot growing up, so I was always the new kid - plus I was really smart, which instantly made me weird). Sometime during college, and I can't really pinpoint when that was, I decided I didn't care.
Well, that's not entirely true. I did care, and I still do care. I don't want people to dislike me. But on the whole, I'm very confident and happy with who I am. If you don't like my passion for video games or my ability to quote Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie or the odd facts that seem to pop up in my head, I don't care. I'm an awesome person, and I don't need you to agree or disagree.
But physically, I didn't really care. I've always been heavy, I have a pretty big skeletal structure, my family should be Italian because we're always surrounded by food... and I like to eat. If you have a problem with that, go back to those airbrushed models and leave me alone. I figured if you liked me as a person, what I looked like didn't matter so much.
And one day in my late 20s, I decided to hire a personal trainer. I don't remember why - just something to do, I guess. And I did lose weight, but looking back it wasn't enough structure for me. Around the same time, I met my husband, so there went all my hard work!
The first time I joined Spark was because I saw a picture of myself at an 80s party we threw. (It's on my page if you want to see it.) That person was not me! And I'm not even referring to the hair or clothes, haha. The person I saw in the mirror was much thinner than that. I didn't like what I saw, so my reason for losing weight was pure vanity. My health was perfect.
After losing 70 pounds, I found out I was pregnant. Yay! But despite my efforts, I did not succeed in staying slim at all during my pregnancy. Oh no. I lost 30 pounds within a couple of weeks, but that came back. And then some.
But it wasn't just weight that became an issue then. I had post-partum depression. I developed hypothyroidism. I was so incredibly exhausted, it was amazing that I made it to work every day and was somewhat productive.
In the months later, after the depression was resolved and I got the right dosing of medication to help with my thyroid, I injured my back doing nothing at all. (Seriously. Nothing at all.) Once that pain subsided, I developed plantar fasciitis. And while THAT was ongoing, I developed sciatica. The sciatica led to an MRI which showed that I had herniated a disc that was severely impinging the nerve. The worst of it was NONE of that was caused by or can be cured by weight. So once again, my weight had nothing to do with any health problems I had, and losing it again wasn't going to make a difference in my pain levels.
This leads me to my blog title. "Why do it at all?" Why bother? If you love yourself, and you love your life, and all of the problems you have health-wise have absolutely nothing to do with your weight -- why bother losing it at all?
Here's the better question: why not? Plus sized clothes are more expensive. Sometimes you have to special order them, which means you can't even try them on. Thanks to the inundation of those airbrushed models, there is clear fat shaming in society, even leading to heavier people getting paid less. Losing weight makes your insurance rates cheaper. (Although that won't be an issue for me -- my doctor gave me a target weight based on my skeletal size, and it's still in the overweight range. I'm fine with that.) It generally lets you be more active with less huffing and puffing. And it does lower your risks for certain diseases; maybe I'm still too young to show the early warning signs of them. I don't know.
Plus I have an awesome life. I really do. I married an amazing man. We have an incredible son who is so fascinating to see grow up. While I don't have a lot of them, the friends I do have are one of a kind. I love my job. Life is pretty incredible when you really think about it: all the things that had to fall into place to get you here, all the blessings you've received, all the obstacles you've overcome. So why would I want to throw all that away? I DON'T!
It's like my little signature quote says. "Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." - Earl Nightingale
Maybe I'll be trying to lose this baby weight for a while, but I'll get there! And I've got the motivation to do so, the love and support that is instrumental to success. I can do this, and I will!
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
My first BLC week ROCKED! I lost 1.8 pounds (putting me back to what I weighed at the end of last round), I tracked all my food and stayed in range, AND I got in 398 fitness minutes! My friend kicks my butt into gear, that's for sure!
Keep up this momentum for the full 12 weeks, and I'll meet my goal!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
It's that time again! BLC23 begins today!
Once again, I am a Mighty Mocha Hunter. Excellent! The fun part about this round is that my co-worker also signed up and is on another team. So neither of us have to go it alone, we both have similar "requirements" for our teams, and we can push each other! Plus we see each other every weekday, walk together at lunch, and get to have fun girl talks :)
Anyway, here are my before photos for this round:
Chest: 47.75" (bust line)
Waist: 45" (natural waist)
Thigh: 26" (right)
Upper Arm: 15.5" (right)
It's an improvement over the start of BLC22, but I still look lumpy like the Michelin Man In all honesty, I'll probably always be lumpy. Even when I was at my thinnest, I had some rolls. All this extra weight I've been carrying has given me excess skin. Oh well. I can live with it!
Happy BLC to all the participants! Let's make it a great one!
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