Monday, July 29, 2013
Why is this such a struggle? As I do with all weight loss journeys I start off with a bang and then slowly start to fizzle until I eventually gain back all the weight I lost--- plus a few pounds more.
I don't want to live my life in a vacuum but it seems that when I go back into the world I lose my focus. One bad day turns to two days and two days becomes a week. As you can see from my blogs I started struggling around the middle of July but this past Thursday I really fell off the wagon. I took my nephew out to lunch and a movie and then he stayed overnight. I used his visit as an excuse to eat poorly. I didn't weigh anything and I didn't track my food because I felt like a failure.
I guess I could also blame my poor food choices on the fact that my BFF had weight loss surgery Thursday. We used to be inseparable but as we've gotten older and more responsibilities have invaded our lives we don't see each other as often but we talk on the phone often and have always been there for each other. We've also been "fat friends" forever. She is my ONLY fat friend and now she won't be. She will lose the weight and be able to do all the things we've talked about over the years that we would do if we ever lost the weight. I've let so much of my life pass me by because of my weight and I'm so disgusted with myself as I feel this slipping through my fingers again.
I think everything is just coming to a head. Maybe I just need to acknowledge what is happening, what I'm feeling and how I'm going to cope with it.
1. Summer is ending and school will be starting up again in 2 weeks. Work SUCKED last year. I mean S-U-C-K-E-D. I love teaching but the morale at my school is horrible and I don't feel like anything will have changed over the summer. My plan is to stay as positive as possible and surround myself with people who are positive. If it's not any better by end of the year I'll start interviewing for a new school (that in itself is stress inducing!).
2. I'm leaving for vacation this Thursday. I go away for a long weekend every summer with 3 old friends. We find a hotel with a lazy river, play games, eat, drink and be merry. It is a blast....except for being in a bathing suit around other people. I'm excited and scared. I'm scared because in the past this get together has triggered long extended food binges for me. I feel inadequate around them. They are all married with children, have bigger houses, better cars and more money than me. Wow, I really need to work on my self-esteem issues this year! I need to start a gratitude journal and while I'm at the resort I'm going to start my day in the gym. I already contacted one of the ladies and she agreed to encourage me and work out with me each day.
3. This one is the biggie. My friends' weight loss surgery. If she loses all her weight and I don't, we will drift apart. I will lose a friend that I've had for more than 30 years. I don't make friends easily and she is more of a sister to me than my biological sister. It wouldn't be my friend who would pull away, it would be me. I wish I could rejoice in her happiness and her ability to pay $10,000 to have surgery but I'm too deep into my own pain for that. On the surface I've been very supportive and I truly want her to be successful but dammit, I'm jealous. I don't know how I'm going to change this feeling other than lose the weight.
Deep breath, deep, deep breath. One thing I'm trying to do this time around is to be truly honest with myself and to delve deeper into the "why" of things. In the past, I would NEVER have been so honest in my writing, knowing that other people would read and judge me but my past weight loss efforts have been dismal so I'm going to try something new.