Thursday, December 20, 2012
My boot camp coach has been writing a blog series, and chose to feature little old me in the last installment. Here's the link:
I bet my mom will be framing this and hanging it up on a wall lol.
Monday, November 19, 2012
..like a victim of fate, born to regret." So goes the song "Torn" by Kamelot (from their new album Silverthorn, which is pure epic awesomeness by the way!!!). Every time I hear those lyrics I feel like they describe me perfectly...I have to keep reminding myself that everything I put myself through, good or bad, is all in my head. I also have to be reminded that my natural tendency is to have a fateful, grim outlook, and that it's up to me to think positive.
Last week was extraordinarily hectic and stressful, I had about 10X more work than usual, and my stomach was feeling a bit weird, which screwed up my meal schedule. I really wanted to just say "damn it all to hell" and do whatever I wanted. And yet, what I wanted every day after work was to drive straight to boot camp and release all the stress by working out. Food-wise I did have a little "encounter" with a couple of doughnuts on Friday night , but other than that I was able to keep it together. I kept thinking about something one of trainers always asks during class: “How bad do you want it?”…well I want this more that anything else in life right now. I want this new healthy, rationality-driven lifestyle to carry me through tough times. Stress is a part of life, bad days come and go but there’s nothing more worthwhile than staying the course. I (mostly) did not fall back into the self-destructive cycle of emotional eating, and I learned once again that I’m capable of more strength and mindfulness than I give myself credit for.
So all in all, I’d say it was a pretty good week.
PS - ""Torn" just came up on my iPod (on shuffle)!!!!
Thursday, November 08, 2012
It seems like I only get around to writing this blog when things aren't going well, or when I'm doubting myself. It's not exactly fair of me to say that things haven't gone well; I've lost 30 pounds in the last 3 months, 8% body fat, I've changed my habits and I feel better than I have in years. And yet, there's always a constant, nagging fear that won't let up. It's the fear of failure, fear that tomorrow I'll wake up and my body will be like "Alright, I'm done, we're staying right here." I always feel like failure is just around the corner, that this is all too good to be true and any day now it will all go away. I want to find a way to make that fear a driving force and not a source of stress. I've talked with my trainer about how worrying about failing means you were thinking about failure to begin with. Yet as a mere mortal I can't see how I could pursue a task so monumental and somehow not think and worry about what will happen if I fail. Maybe the answer lies in the ability to focus on the small day-to-day challenges and not on the big picture, which I sometimes lack. I do set small goals on a monthly, weekly and even daily basis, but somehow they don't make the "big picture" any more manageable and I still feel stressed and overwhelmed, and most of all, scared to death of losing everything I've accomplished. I can't let this fall apart.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Yesterday I had an awful day, feeling utterly hopeless and purposeless for no apparent reason. Consequently I skipped boot camp, went home and had an epic binge. At night I dreamed that I was driving around and found a tiny little badger on the side of the road. I put it in my car and it kept growing and getting bigger and bigger until it didn't fit in my car anymore. I woke up feeling not only guilty and miserable, but also puzzled since the badger is such a random animal for me to dream about (my life usually revolves around cats lol). So I researched the dream symbolism of badgers and this is what I found:
"The badger stops at nothing to get what it wants, and this is a lesson for us to be persistent in our pursuits. Specifically, those with the badger totem often attract this creature because he/she has difficulty finishing what is started. The badger will help with this aspect in life. You can call upon the stubborn, strong-willed nature of the badger to help you complete any project you start.
The symbolism of the badger also includes individuality. The badger is a unique creature, well equipped to meet all the challenges it faces. It lives its life quite effectively. And although its methods might seem unorthodox, the badger doesn't care what the rest of the animal kingdom thinks about them. This is perhaps the greatest lesson the badger imparts to us. In short, the badger tell us to "walk your own path at your own pace." Nevermind what others may say. Have faith in your own abilities and know that you are well-equipped to take on whatever challenge faces you."
I'm not much of a believer in signs or dream interpretation, but I have to admit this hit a little too close to home. I realized that I have been putting too much emphasis lately on not disappointing those around me. Sharing this weight loss journey with other people has the advantage of providing support, encouragement and accountability, but at the same time it adds pressure, and any setbacks or failures are no longer private. In its own weird way, this dream reminded me not only to be persistent, but to persist for my own sake, in my own way and at my own pace. Ultimately what I do might affect others indirectly, or not at all, but it affects me completely. This journey is not like teaching a class or giving a performance, it's not for me to say or do what people expect of me, and most certainly is not a pursuit of perfection. It's my own to live and experience, mistakes and all. Hey, if a badger can do it, so can I.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
My bootcamp coach Zach (aka Master Yoda of all things fitness) always talks about silencing the "inner bitch." You know, that little voice telling you that you're not good enough, that your workouts aren't hard enough or that you really shouldn't stray from a chicken-and-lettuce meal because frankly you don't even deserve to have salad dressing. Yeah, that one. Well, I found out yesterday that I don't have an inner bitch...I have several. In fact, a whole choir's worth. Trying to silence them is like playing "whack-a-mole," I'd squash one negative thought only to have another one pop up. After having a well-deserved celebratory meal in honor of my husband passing the Bar exam, I kept beating myself up over it. Didn't matter that a few hours before I had a conversation with Zach about the merits of allowing oneself a weekly MOO (meal of opportunity), both for emotional as well as metabolic reasons. Didn't matter that the meal wasn't really a free-for-all, the only "sinful" part of it were the 3 fried mozzarella sticks I had as appetizers; a lean steak and baked potato are well within the margins of the meal plan I'm following. Didn't matter that the day wasn't about the food, it was about sharing the moment and celebrating my husband's accomplishment. And then I realized: the inner bitch (or bitches) isn't about the food either. If loud enough, it can make you feel bad even about the strictest of regimens. Any insignificant detail can get blown out of proportion by an over-developed inner bitch. These voices aren't really about the minutiae of our daily lives, they go much deeper. What they are really saying is that you don't truly believe in yourself enough to think that things are ever going to change for good. That no matter how hard you try, you'll always be that little fat girl you were at the age of 4, and that no matter how much weight you lose, you'll always be a worthless, wimpy loser. As painful as it is, I feel that the first step towards shutting them up for good is hearing them clearly. Now I know exactly what they are saying, and I'm ready to fight back.
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