Wednesday, May 07, 2014
This is a follow up to my last blog post so it probably won't make any sense if you haven't read that one, LOL!
My lawyer tried to call my ex only to find his phone has been disconnected. So she emailed him, and surprisingly, he answered very quickly...and what's more, he agreed to sign the consent forms for my son's name change! I'm trying not to get TOO excited until we have the signed papers in our hands, because it wouldn't be the first promise he ever broke, but hopefully he'll keep this one since it's really a promise to Aidan, not to me.
He did say some pretty unpleasant things in the email to my lawyer, basically that he was hoping to use the papers as a bargaining chip with me because my "greed" (expecting and getting a fair divorce settlement is apparently greedy) has ruined his life...caused him all kind of problems...of course he conveniently forgot to mention that he quit his job 11 months ago and has apparently not been working since then. So, sure, blame me for the problems, whatever. As long as Aidan gets his wish I can ignore being badmouthed by my ex.
I am feeling really strong and proud of myself for not giving in to the bullying my ex attempted last week. The phrase I keep thinking (and saying) over and over is that I am not the victim he so carefully trained me to be...I am not that woman any more. He doesn't control me, and he can't push me around anymore, especially when it comes to my son.
That's about the biggest "non-scale victory" I could hope for...finding that kind of strength in myself.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Well. The "old me" would have gone downstairs tonight and eaten a bunch of junk food.
My eleven-year old son wants to change his last name to mine, and his father (who has not so much as called him in two and a half years) responded to the request by sending me a bullying email trying to get me to sign away my right to alimony in exchange for him signing the paper. He also accused me of not allowing phone calls when that is completely untrue.
In other words, I am angry and sad and a little scared (because this man was abusive to us both and so any contact with him puts me into a fearful state...it's probably actually a mild version of PTSD) and yet I DID NOT EAT.
I called a friend. I talked to her until I was calm.
I forwarded the ugly email to my lawyer.
I got in pajamas, had a glass of water, and brushed my teeth.
And now I am here blogging instead of raiding the kitchen.
So, guess what...today, I win.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
My daily task for SparkCoach today is to blog about time-wasters in my life and how I could put that time to better use.
My culprits are usually Internet timekillers: I spend too much time online. If I set aside specific times for getting online, maybe half an hour in the morning and then half an hour at night (to Spark, check Facebook, and check in with my online moms group--not including email and schoolwork) I could cut that down. I could also use the "fun" online time as a reward after doing part of my plan (exercising or preparing a healthy meal).
The other culprit for me is online games (puzzle-type games that I get addicted to and can play without noticing how much time has passed). Those should have a time limit--maybe 15 minutes a day, and only after I've accomplished my tasks for the day.
Because I am at home a lot during the day, and my graduate school work involves being on the computer a lot, these time-wasters are literally right at my fingertips, a tempting distraction when I am getting bored or restless with my studying. Instead, I should get up and go for a walk or play an active game on the Wii.
Friday, April 04, 2014
I've been gluten free for a little over a week now. (I didn't write down the day I started and wish I had...oops!)
I lost 1.7 pounds this week, which might or might not be all about the dietary change, but I'm eager to see if the trend continues.
I know it's hard to isolate just one variable when it comes to health, but I think I am feeling both less bloaty and more energetic, and I am definitely feeling less need for snacks. WIth the bloat issue, I didn't even realize I was feeling bloated until it got better...funny how we can get used to discomfort when it's "just how things are" for a long time.
I'm still learning about GF options, so if anyone who reads this has favorite yummy GF foods, please post them in a reply!
Monday, December 02, 2013
On November 6th, I had my routine mammogram. At the time, I had forgotten that I'd had one the year before, and had tried to have the imaging center I went to in Washington several years ago send what I thought was my most recent mammogram from a few years ago. On the 6th it hadn't arrived yet, so they told me my results might take a few weeks while they waited to get those old records.
It's lucky, it turns out, that I forgot, because it means I got a mammogram this year instead of accepting my doctor's offer of waiting another couple of years. (I'm young enough at 42 that annual mammograms aren't required.)
Today I got a call that the radiologist wants me to come back for a repeat mammogram and ultrasound of my right breast. Obviously something showed up on the first mammogram, though the nurse who called didn't tell me much. She did say that they never received the old records from Washington. By now I had discovered (as I was cleaning out my file cabinet over Thanksgiving weekend) that I did indeed get a mammogram last year (about 18 months ago) and so I have now faxed a request to that doctor's office to have them send the results (not just the fact that it was normal, but the detailed images and report) to this new-to-me radiologist.
One thing the nurse did say is, "Because we don't have the old records, we can't tell if this is something new." So clearly there's a "this" that they saw, not just an area they couldn't see well on the mammogram. And I suspect that if there'd been anything like that last year, then I'd have been asked to get a follow-up then, so my hunch is that whatever it is, it's new.
Friday I will go in for a mammogram at 8:45 a.m. and an ultrasound at 10:15. I am hoping one of my local friends will go with me to help make the wait between the two go faster, and to be there to support me. I also hope I'll get results right away that day instead of having to wait.
I have fibrocystic breasts (which means they are often "lumpy" and I can't trust self-exams) and so this could easily be a benign lump related to that. But my mom is a breast cancer survivor, and I have lost two friends to breast cancer and seen others go through treatment, so my imagination is presenting me with all kinds of ugly scenarios. I'm trying not to let myself go down that path but it's hard.
I am not telling my son what the doctor appointment is for, and hopefully the results will be good and that will be the end of that. But I'm scared.
I'm trying not to let this lead to emotional eating, though I did a little bit today, indulging in some leftover goodies from Thanksgiving. But I stopped at a reasonable amount, reminding myself that gaining weight isn't going to make me any less scared.
Luckily I will be at a conference this week, flying out tomorrow morning and back Thursday night, so I will be too busy to spend all my time thinking about this. And I have already reached out to friends to talk about this and the message has been loud and clear, "You are not alone. We love you. You are strong."
All the same, I would appreciate any prayers or positive thoughts any of you want to send my way, all this week but especially on Friday morning!
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