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PDXROLLSROYCE's Recent Blog Entries

Just plain tired...

Thursday, January 03, 2013

I don't want to wake up in the morning... I don't want to go to sleep at night... Food never sounds good to me... I just want to give up. Buried in debt, buried in bills, only having a part time job, it all adds up. I'm sick and tired of being behind. I'm tired of not having enough money. I'm tired of not being happy in my own life. I just want to be comfortable.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*AMBER512 1/3/2013 6:10PM

    Oh hun, that's all so rough. I wish I had some comforting words that would make everything better. Just know that I'm thinking about you and hoping it all comes together :)

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BROOKLEE99 1/3/2013 7:05AM

    I am so sorry to hear that there is so much going on. I hope that you find someone to talk to so that you can work yourself trough this difficult time.

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CHARMO12 1/3/2013 4:58AM

  you are not alone i think there is a few of us that feel this way at the moment

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Fighting an addiction is difficult

Friday, December 07, 2012

I don't smoke... I don't use illegal drugs... I abuse caffeine. When you start drinking it you don't think its addictive... you're just thirsty... well... here I am, about to start a dark road of no energy drinks.

I know there will be withdrawl symptoms... especially massive headaches. I'm going to feel tired and lousy for a while. I'm just hoping that I can make that push to switch from energy drinks down to regular soda and then down to water/juice/milk. I'm fed up with feeling dependent on them to make it through a day. I'm done with feeling like crap. I just want to have lots of natural energy, stay awake the whole day and not need a nap... I want to walk up the hill without feeling like I need to stop half way up...

I don't want to put on anymore weight, I want to drop a few pounds. I don't want to get out of control. I thought that having my surgery was going to be that life altering moment. That moment in which I realized that I can't continue the path I'm on... in reality it isn't the surgery that gave me that lightbulb... it was my inability to walk up the stupid hill without getting winded... emoticon

I'm back here, hoping to make this work again, hoping to drop a few pounds. I just wish I had more true friends to talk to about it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BROOKLEE99 12/10/2012 11:42AM

    I am rooting for you! I have been "off coffee" cold turkey for a week now. The first day it felt like I was coming down with the flu. Physically I am better now but still feel a strong emotional attraction to it. I have been replacing hat warm mug feeling with hibiscus tea and green tea but still quiver when I smell coffee. Caffeine is a very real addiction. Keep posting!

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*AMBER512 12/7/2012 9:20PM

    I'm so sorry I'm not around much. But you are worth taking care of and you are awesome! Who can deny your awesomeness?? ;)

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Down and out

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Wow a lot has changed since I first started thinking about loosing weight. I've had minor health set backs and entered a state where I thought my weight just wasn't going to change. Well, I've been 2 months post surgery now and am itching to get on the right path and perhaps loose some of the weight that I've had for a while. I just want to feel healthier.

I sit here, watching the rain pour outside... drinking another Rockstar and contemplating the idea of change. It sounds good... but I don't really know that I have what it takes to commit to anything long term. I run into burn out after a week or so... I just feel a bit hopeless.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*AMBER512 12/5/2012 8:47PM

    Getting motivated is the easy part. Staying motivated is much tougher. I'm with you there for sure! Just take it one day at a time and remember that no matter how many times you fall of the wagon, you can always get back on again. Keep plugging away. You, and your health, are worth it!

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The wagon is a bumpy ride

Thursday, November 24, 2011

I will be the first to admit that I've fallen off the wagon. I never made a follow up appointment to get my cortisol level checked, mostly because I just don't have the money. I started eating the same foods again and even though I've joined a gym I just don't seem to go. I'm sitting here this thanksgiving thinking about my life and how far away I am from what I thought I would be.

I got a promotion at work, though I won't see any raises until my review in June. Its nice to have a boss that believes in me and willing to give me a shot. Problem is the two other people that I am now leading don't seem to care much for me. I've never done anything mean to them, never trash talked them, but they can't seem to shut their mouths about how dumb I am, how I've gotten fat, how being named lead will go to my head and how lazy I am. When I was growing up I thrived on people hating me. I got a kick out of making people mad. I've grown out of that. Now I know I can't please everyone all the time, but I wish people would understand where I've come from and how much I've changed. I am really bothered by people noticing my weight gain. I'm not comfortable in my body, I've got little self confidence and it seems people want to feed off that. I go to work every day and work my butt off to do everything I can, taking on extra tasks and trying to learn something new every day. If they are upset that I got the lead position then perhaps they should have tried harder to get the position. Our boss says the lead position is not just handed out, its earned, through hard work, ideas and teamwork. I've done nothing but that... and I was rewarded with the job... now the trash talking continues. Why is it that I can't get away from that? Everywhere I work people think I'm a horrible person... yet, in my eyes, I'm the first one to sacrifice myself for someone else. I let others get their way. Arg, I'm frustrated and just want to cry... why can't I win?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*AMBER512 11/25/2011 6:47PM

    I am so sorry you're having such a rough time. It's certainly not easy and life likes to get in the way. Your coworkers sound like a-holes, and I think it's best not to let their petty vindictiveness get to you. Of course, I'm not exactly the best person to give that advice, as I get anxious about people not liking me. But it's easier for me not to care about what they think when they are so awful!

You definitely deserved your promotion (and soon-to-be raise!) and congratulations! Just concentrate on treating yourself the way you are meant to be treated. Love you!

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Friday, October 14, 2011

So that was a bust... he said that I could take all the vitamin d I wanted to and it wouldn't make a difference in my fatigue levels. In reviewing my blood work from my primary care doctor he said everything looked normal except my cortisol levels. He said they were just slightly low and by slightly he meant 0.5 off of the normal. He listened to my breathing, checked my thyroid by touch, felt around my belly and then took my blood pressure laying down and after standing up. He said that my blood pressure drops when I stand up but its borderline to being at a point where I'd feel light headed.

The plan: An appointment to get blood drawn after fasting, then being injected with cotrosyn (a synthetic cortisol) and then blood draws at 30 min and 60 minutes after the injection... I am not looking forward to that... I don't do well with blood draws and don't do well with being injected with anything... but... we'll see...

He said a better diet and more exercise might be the problem. *sigh*

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*AMBER512 10/14/2011 8:24PM

    Sounds like one of the first doctor appointments I had. Not too many answers. Hope the fasting blood test helps more!

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