Sunday, March 04, 2012
right here if you are reading this for entertainment value because this is being written for me and some of it will shock you.
The goings on over the past few weeks in my family life have taken its expected toll and I can feel wisps of the ghostly depression that lurks in my life reaching out further and further until its tentacles arrive at their destination...my heart and soul.
Depression to me comes in many forms and shows its face in many ways. Some are expected and others are not expected. I don't want to care for myself, I don't enjoy my dogs, I am full of self pity, I don't want to exercise and sometimes I wonder what life would be without me in it.
I am normally a person who is pretty upbeat and who is very compassionate about reaching out to others. In fact, one gift that depression has given me is to be open and free with my emotions. When Nan was dying I wasn't afraid to tell her that I loved her and we did share a few funny last minutes. I let my feelings of "rejection" by her go by the wayside because in death it was all about her and so it should have been. I am proud that I was strong enough to be with her when her time was up. I held her hand as she took her last breath so for that I had complete closure for which I am very thankful.
Why, then do I feel so bloody low? I have discovered that my uncle and my cousins left every responsibility to me because they couldn't do it. Okay, I don't feel victorious but I do feel thankful that I have been given that kind of personality. Why then as soon as it was over was I cut out of everything again? I found out on facebook when the funeral was going to be, I wasn't asked to participate, at the funeral home not one of my family spoke to me, (they didn't speak to John or my mom either!) and the funeral itself was a weird affair in which they all bawled their eyes out and I kept looking at nan's picture and remembering the good times. For despite everything the very gift of being able to know your grandmother for 55 years is a blessing!
Oh, dear, this is a struggle. I thought I was doing so well (thanks to my venting blogs and your wonderful support) but my body is betraying me. I can't sleep without seeing Nan over and over again in the hospital, I am weak physically (John took me out to supper a few nights ago and I had to be led outside as I thought I was going to faint), I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to go to work, and what pains me the most is that my beloved dogs try to get my attention and I turn them away.
Here is my action plan:
1. Take another week off from work
2. Make sure that when I do eat it is of benefit to me and not junk food
3. Exercise in some form for 10 minutes a day
4. As the weather permits gets outside
5. Be kind to myself
6. Drink my water
7. Connect with my SparkFriends
8. Let the anger and depression ebb and flow and accept it but don't encourage it
9. Call my doctor
10. Smile more at my dog's antics