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PCOH051610's Recent Blog Entries

Cycling and I don't mean on a bicycle!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Short and sweet and to the point......so you know I am not myself if I can be brief!

I am off work again due to the insomnia and subsequent exhaustion that often follows my depressive episodes.

Am going to try to fight back with my light therapy and walking.

Might be missing in action for a few days - just wanted to touch base.

Susan

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHRISTINA791 3/22/2012 12:22PM

    emoticon Thinking of you.

A lot of people don't know just how brutal the combination of insomnia and depression can be. The both feed on each other.

Take care of yourself.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 3/22/2012 9:36AM

    Susan, you know I totally understand! Totally! Last night was the first night in a week that I slept most of the night! *notice I said "most" and not all!* emoticon emoticon emoticon

You are always missed when you're MIA, but we know you have to take care of our wonderful, wonderful friend, Susan! emoticon

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JLITT62 3/22/2012 7:47AM

    Thanks for touching base - I was beginning to worry. Be well.

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POPSY190 3/22/2012 3:05AM

    Hello Susan, Minutes, hours, days at a time. You'll get there. The last month or so has been particularly hard on you and your personality has been drained by it. Hope you can get some rest and feel less exhausted, physically at least. Thoughts from emoticon

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JOANNANOW 3/22/2012 1:00AM

    The light is coming ... you will get there. Sending love.

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Q8PRINCESS 3/21/2012 11:36PM

    Sorry to hear you're feeling depressed. It's spring now, so the calendar say so even if you are still aving snow there, so the beginning of a season of new growth. After your grandmother's passing, you can start a new season for yourself as well. There's lots of people here who are interested in what is happening in your life. Be kind to yourself!

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KAYDE53 3/21/2012 11:27PM

    Hope you're feeling better soon!! emoticon

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EJOY-EVELYN 3/21/2012 11:04PM

    May this transition go smoothly. You know we care.

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SVELTEWARRIOR 3/21/2012 10:30PM

    I hope you feel better soon!

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NANCYLRAGS 3/21/2012 9:42PM

    Hope you are better soon!

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_LINDA 3/21/2012 9:34PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HEATHERNL 3/21/2012 9:21PM

    I'm here if you need ANYTHING!

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GOOZLEBEAR 3/21/2012 9:04PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 3/21/2012 8:48PM

    emoticon

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PONYFARMER 3/21/2012 8:11PM

    OK, this just goes to show you how much I need the help. I wrote you and then much like the dog in the "UP" movie who lost all focus at the word or site of "SQUIRREL," I saw a different blog of yours and off I went.

So, what I said before was that I understand this lack of sleep issue and the D issue with you as well. They both plague me and usually connected. I was wondering what kind of light and where you get it, as I will try anything to fix the problem.

Hugs To you Susan, look forward to your return.

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YIWEN39 3/21/2012 7:51PM

    Best of luck Susan! I hope you feel better soon!

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A must see! Video Clip......please share and pass it along!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo

This link was sent to me by another Newfoundland Sparker named HEATHERNL.

She has made some amazing progress and I am thrilled to be one of her new friends

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LITTLEFARMMOMMA 3/22/2012 8:56AM

    Susan, that's great! You are an amazing source of wisdom! Thank you for sharing that video! emoticonIt's funny that so many people want a secret potion to getting healthy, and will pay any amount of money to get it, and the things we can do to help our health the MOST are FREE, and just take a little bit of time and EFFORT! emoticon emoticon

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JAMER123 3/22/2012 12:24AM

    emoticon learning tool! emoticon

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SWEETMAGNOLIA2 3/22/2012 12:03AM

    This video really makes a person think. Great educational tool. Thanks for sharing!

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TXGRANDMA 3/21/2012 11:47PM

    Very powerful! Thanks so much for sharing. It will make me realize the importance of my daily walk!

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PONYFARMER 3/21/2012 8:08PM

    Wow, powerful Vid.

Now I am getting off the computer to go do some walking with my dog.

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GLORYANDME 3/19/2012 12:06AM

    What did I do in the gym today? My question to myself is what did I do for exercise today thanks to SP!! Now that is some motivation! emoticonm Thanks for posting!

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MILLIE5522 3/17/2012 6:17PM

    emoticon Try to do my 30 minutes a day.

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NEWMAC2011 3/16/2012 12:26AM

    Exercise is so important to overall mental and physical health. Very cool video!

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EJOY-EVELYN 3/15/2012 7:19PM

    Great illustration. This confirms my earlier thought: My mate is living on borrowed time. Yikes!

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ASL191 3/15/2012 5:24PM

    Great video!

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Q8PRINCESS 3/15/2012 1:15PM

    Very cool

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BOVEY63 3/15/2012 12:15PM

    Thanks for sharing this awesome video!
Hope you're having a wonderful day!
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HEATHERNL 3/15/2012 10:06AM

    Thanks! It's been GREAT getting to know you too!!!

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LESLIES537 3/15/2012 10:03AM

    Great video!! Thanks so much for sharing! emoticon


P.S. I just love the crap outta YOU! emoticon emoticon

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JOANNANOW 3/15/2012 9:37AM

    Thanks Susan... just brilliant. Loved the simplicity of it too.
Sending hugs
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_LINDA 3/15/2012 9:22AM

    I have seen this already, it was a good video! Hopefully, more will see it now..
Have a Totally Terrific Thursday!

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Ten minutes of exercise a day - my lesson in scoffing

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Spring 5% Challenge Commitment - the basics of what works for me

Nobody knows how much I really NEED this challenge right now in my life! I was once an active Sparker and since Christmas I have been going downhill at an alarming rate. Unfortunately, my downhill progress was a lot faster than my uphill progress but isn't that always the way.

I've had some physical and mental challenges to contend with (the latter I am still dealing with but such is life when you have depression) so I am trying right now to keep my head above water.

For my own sanity I have to return to the basics that work for me. I know a lot of you out there are far more active than I am and I know a lot of you have your tracking down pat and your nutritional intake is fantastic. But that is not where I am starting over from.

I am starting over from 220 pounds! Yep, I regained all that I had lost!

I am starting over by trying to eat nutritionally sound food 80% of the time

I am starting over by committing to 10 minutes of exercise a day

I am starting over by resuming drinking my 8 glasses of water a day

The one that really gets to me is the 10 minutes of exercise a day! I used to scoff at that idea because how in the world is 10 minutes of exercise going to help you when if you did 30 minutes you would get to your goal that much quicker. Well, I'm here to tell you if you set a small goal (one that is almost ridiculously easy right now) and you consistently aim for that each day, it will become a habit. BUT if you strive for 60 minutes of exercise each day, there will come a time when the novelty wears off (and believe me the enthusiasm wanes in the best of us) and you will miss a day. Then that day will be followed by another day until you get to the point when you are looking at your week ahead and wondering how you are going to fit 3 exercise sessions in with a sense of dread!

How do I know this? Because I fell for the "sure 10 minutes is not even worth doing" school of thinking. And you know where I am now? On my couch looking back over my fitness minutes for the past months and seeing a lot of zeros!

So, while I wait for the Spring 5% challenge to start up I have to get myself ready both mentally and physically. First I am going to get my gym stuff washed and packed in my gym bag, Find my gym membership (blow the dust off of it) and add it to the gym bag.

I have to tell myself that I can do this...I did it before so I am going to do it again.

I have to get back into meal planning so not only is my life a little easier but my fridge will be filled with healthy choices

And most importantly, I have to stop scoffing at

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIBBYG7 3/14/2012 8:43PM

    Susan....this is a GOOD realistic list of goals. I've seen a great result of consistent! exercise.....not necessarily strenuous, or bunchesof minutes....but consistent! I've even blogged about it today.
Good luck, sweetie. We're all in your corner!!

Hugs, Libby emoticon

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ANNCHER 3/12/2012 3:25PM

    Seems like I do really good then, I slip a little & it is hard for me to get back on track with exercise or eating right. Have a great day! Big Hugs your way! emoticon

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SPARKLISE 3/12/2012 9:54AM

    Being honest to where you are right now is the step in the right direction.
I had regained all of it too but no matter how hard it was I changed my ticker every time I gained(when I finally weighed myself because it was too painful to do it every week emoticon)and I'm happy to say that the scale is going down again!
So you can do it also!
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BOVEY63 3/11/2012 4:08PM

    Great way to challenge yourself.
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HOPESINGH 3/11/2012 6:09AM

    emoticon Sometimes you just need to start over, and that's fine. You already know that comparing yourself to others isn't very useful, so just look at yourself and at the progress you're about to make. even making this decision is progress.
I'll be participating in the spring 5% challenge as well!

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Q8PRINCESS 3/10/2012 11:36PM

    Small steps still get you there! Glad to see you back. i like 10 minutes walks with Lucy.
BTW - love your new wallpaper!

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LUVMYCRAZYKIDS 3/10/2012 10:27PM

    The exercise is my major weakness as well...I'll start the 10 minute goal with you...let's do it!!

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_JODI404 3/10/2012 9:52PM

    I LOVE my 10 minute daily exercise streak!!! It is one of the best tools I have going!

Today is day # 131 for me. emoticon

There have been several times due to illness or knee pain that I have opted for only 10 minutes... but it felt good to do that and know it is a part of my daily life no matter what (barring true emergency!). Most days, I get 45 minutes, but it's nice to know I have met goal with 10. I always do all that I can on a given day.

I track with post it notes and also on my Spark page I have a Spark Streak counting up the days. I would encourage you to add it to your page... it is very motivating to see the number going higher. And the higher it gets, the worse you do NOT want to break it!

Your plan for getting back on track sounds great. Doing the basics are exactly what you need to succeed. Rinse. Repeat. Success!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PONYFARMER 3/10/2012 8:06PM

    Yep, I am a firm believer in the 10 min exercise. It is both a mental thing as well as physical thing. My knees cannot take more than 10 mins at a time.

Good for you, that you have a plan. I am so happy for you.

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JLITT62 3/10/2012 4:30PM

    10 minutes can make a HUGE difference. I always promise myself I can stop after 10 minutes, but I rarely do - because I feel so much better!

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POPSY190 3/10/2012 3:47PM

    You hit the nail on the head as usual! I've lapsed these last few weeks just because we've been thrown out of our usual routine. So I'm going to follow your exercise advice to get myself going again. All the best for your restart.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 3/10/2012 3:13PM

    Susan, you are truly a treasure! What a beautiful, real person you are! Thank you! emoticon

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KAYDE53 3/10/2012 2:39PM

    Susan, I always love your honesty & positive outlook!!! I know you can do it!!! emoticon

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CHUBRUB3 3/10/2012 1:56PM

    Susan you can do this. I love that you have set it small so you can do it. Consistency pays off!
Hugs my friend.
Angela

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_LINDA 3/10/2012 1:39PM

    So very sorry you are struggling and have had to start all over again :(( From the Queen of starting over at the bottom, I can tell you ten minutes is quite the achievement! And absolutely, the proper way to do it too. Mini goals is what its all about. Make the most of those ten minutes, change it up and make sure you are having fun with them!
The great thing for you to know is that you have shown you are capable of doing this, you have done it before. Once you get going, there will be no stopping you!
All the best Susan! I will always be right here cheering you on. Can you feel that boost coming??
Go, Susan, GO!
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HEATHERNL 3/10/2012 1:16PM

    I am so happy for you!
I joined the challenge too and hope that we can meet up there once and awhile.
Your goals sound great and you are SO RIGHT about the 10 minutes. I know you can do it!!!

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CODEMAULER 3/10/2012 12:06PM

    You can do anything you set your mind to... especially when something feels so good (once it's done)!

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JOANNANOW 3/10/2012 10:49AM

    Sounds exactly right! One step at a time.

I heard there was a huge storm on the rock. Hope you weren't hit too hard. It isn't very spring like here ... the snow is still falling however time marches on and the clocks spring ahead tonight.

Sending hugs to you ... love all the pups in your backdrop.
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LESLIES537 3/10/2012 10:35AM

    Awesome plan!! That's exactly what I need to do, too! Thanks for always inspiring me, gosh I've missed you!!! emoticon

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EJOY-EVELYN 3/10/2012 10:22AM

    Research now gives ten minutes of exercise a whole lot more credit. I strive for three ten-minute segments a day and happily end up going over most of the time. \These are now AS GOOD as one thirty-minute segment. WooHoo! My brain does much better when I exceed my goals for healthy living.

Welcome back to the 5% . . . being accountable to a team really does help bring on the success and you're due!

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GOANNA2 3/10/2012 10:20AM

    emoticonGreat start. I am thinking of you
and I know that slowly but surely the black dog
will take a hike. 10 minutes is a great start.
emoticonAnna

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Please excuse my excuses and some doggie fun for my animal loving friends out there

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Hi,

Okay, I've enjoyed my pity party and I'm back. I have learned so much about myself over the past weeks and especially from all of your very kind comments. Not one of you told me to "grow up" although I'm sure some of you must have been thinking it as I beleaguered the point of my dysfunctional family.

So, where am I right now. Well, besides sitting on my duff in my easy chair ( emoticon I am ready to resume my healthy lifestyle that I put on hold over the past month or so. I went for a walk yesterday and the day before and felt great with the fresh air on my face and filling my lungs. I am getting rid of the junk food in the house and concentrating on re-establishing my healthy habits.

This is a non-scale victory for you. I went to my family doctor last week (he was also Nan's doctor) and he had received the results of my annual blood work. A year ago there were a few areas of concern so I was eager to see whether the changes I made would show up. He was really pleased....I have the lowest risk of developing cardio vascular disease....and he claims he sees a big difference in my shape. I mentioned that I am still technically obese by the scale and he said there is a big difference in me from last year and he is sure the weight will come if I keep it up.

Okay, enough blowing my own horn. Several days ago we took the dogs with us for a long walk but on our way stopped into Tim Hortons so John could grab a coffee. We were parked right in front of the big window when Maddy and Lou started barking wildly at the car next to us. They barked so much that people inside the building could hear (never get a Pomeranian if you like the quiet!) and when I looked over they were barking at two "dogs" in the next car. Turns out they were barking at their own reflections and when they would jump into the back seat and peek out the dogs were gone from the next car. It was hilarious! Unfortunately it did get a bit loud especially when Lou jumped on the car horn and set off the alarm system! emoticon

Here is a picture I snapped of Maddy on Sunday:

and here is what my husband did to it!!!

Louisa was taking all this in and being an "angel" by destroying every stick in sight!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHRISTINA791 3/8/2012 5:21PM

    I am in love with that picture emoticon

That's great news from the doctor! I love seeing my doc, because she sees the truth. I was never able to hide the bad stuff from her (she has a fantastic eyebrow raise and "really?" when you're fudging things), but she's also been my biggest cheerleader, especially when the biggest changes show up as numbers on labwork.

Congrats on the good results - you've earned them!

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CALGARYNEWF 3/7/2012 11:08AM

    So happy to hear that you are getting back on track!!!!! Congrats on the Dr's report. Weight loss is awesome but non-scale victories are just as important, because after all, isn't getting healthier the end result we all strive. The actual weight loss is just a by-product of that process...

Love the pictures. Hilarious way to end your blog and I needed it because I have also been struggling and needed a little pick-me-up today. Thanks!!!!!! emoticon

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PONYFARMER 3/7/2012 1:07AM

    So, Pom/ROCK STAR going on there. LOL!

And what GREAT news, emoticon that your Dr. believes that you have made great, health related changes to your body. That is just emoticon

As for the dysfunctional family, been there and done that and you have every right to whine about what you were put through. So do not even worry about that. Glad you are back to business with getting healthy.


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_LINDA 3/7/2012 12:50AM

    Well done Susan!! Welcome back!!
LOVE the doggie tales and photos!!
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KAYDE53 3/6/2012 10:48PM

    Loved the picture & comparison, dog's way cuter than ZZ top though!!! lol That's wonderful news on your blood work!! Glad you're feeling better too!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GLORYANDME 3/6/2012 10:35PM

    Great story about the pups barking at their own reflections. Thanks for sharing! If that doesn't put a smile on your face. emoticon
Happy for you the doc appointment went well! Keep up the good work!

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POPSY190 3/6/2012 7:58PM

    Great that you are connecting again with dogs and other pleasures after a very difficult time. The doctor's news must have given you a well-deserved boost and motivation. emoticonLove the photographs.

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CODEMAULER 3/6/2012 7:13PM

    Love the good news from the Doctor!

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LIBBYG7 3/6/2012 5:47PM

    emoticon
It's so good to hear the lightheartedness in your 'voice',Susan.

Loved your dog story. For some reason, Lucy refuses to recognize her reflection. It's like she doesn't see it.

You made me laugh...on a stressful day. Thanks a bunch!!

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JOANNANOW 3/6/2012 3:43PM

    You're back! You're terrific! You're still the Queen of positive thinking!
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EJOY-EVELYN 3/6/2012 1:59PM

    So funny. Before I scrolled down to the second photo, I immediately found myself groping for the name of Angela’s father from the television show, Bones. Then I saw your husband’s play. Angela’s father is Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top so we were on the same wave length! Fun! Great to hear your medical stats are making such great improvements.

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BOVEY63 3/6/2012 1:38PM

    Congrats on the great report from the doc!
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Love the dog story and the pictures are hilarious!
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JLITT62 3/6/2012 1:24PM

    Glad to see you back! That drs report is a major NSV! And the photo is hilarious. I think even non-dog-loving people will ge a chuckle.

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Q8PRINCESS 3/6/2012 1:12PM

    So funny! Lucy Bella could give them a run for their money on barking - hers is not only a high decimal reading but super high pitch. Can you say ear plugs? I also like any walks that take one to Tim Hortons!

emoticon emoticon emoticon on your medical results.

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HOPESINGH 3/6/2012 12:53PM

    Cute story about the dogs!
And emoticon success with the blood tests. Your health is what matters.
Keep up this good mood and the renewed healthy habits

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CHUBRUB3 3/6/2012 12:41PM

    Awesome!
Glad to have you back Susan!!Hugs,
Angela

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 3/6/2012 12:31PM

    Oh, Susan! PRICELESS! I loved your blog! Thanks for the smile of the day! emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 3/6/2012 12:04PM

    LOL at the story and ZZ Top! Love it!!!

Glad you're feeling better and heard such good things from your doctor.

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Me : Exposed

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Hi!

emoticon right here if you are reading this for entertainment value because this is being written for me and some of it will shock you.

The goings on over the past few weeks in my family life have taken its expected toll and I can feel wisps of the ghostly depression that lurks in my life reaching out further and further until its tentacles arrive at their destination...my heart and soul.

Depression to me comes in many forms and shows its face in many ways. Some are expected and others are not expected. I don't want to care for myself, I don't enjoy my dogs, I am full of self pity, I don't want to exercise and sometimes I wonder what life would be without me in it.

I am normally a person who is pretty upbeat and who is very compassionate about reaching out to others. In fact, one gift that depression has given me is to be open and free with my emotions. When Nan was dying I wasn't afraid to tell her that I loved her and we did share a few funny last minutes. I let my feelings of "rejection" by her go by the wayside because in death it was all about her and so it should have been. I am proud that I was strong enough to be with her when her time was up. I held her hand as she took her last breath so for that I had complete closure for which I am very thankful.

Why, then do I feel so bloody low? I have discovered that my uncle and my cousins left every responsibility to me because they couldn't do it. Okay, I don't feel victorious but I do feel thankful that I have been given that kind of personality. Why then as soon as it was over was I cut out of everything again? I found out on facebook when the funeral was going to be, I wasn't asked to participate, at the funeral home not one of my family spoke to me, (they didn't speak to John or my mom either!) and the funeral itself was a weird affair in which they all bawled their eyes out and I kept looking at nan's picture and remembering the good times. For despite everything the very gift of being able to know your grandmother for 55 years is a blessing!

Oh, dear, this is a struggle. I thought I was doing so well (thanks to my venting blogs and your wonderful support) but my body is betraying me. I can't sleep without seeing Nan over and over again in the hospital, I am weak physically (John took me out to supper a few nights ago and I had to be led outside as I thought I was going to faint), I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to go to work, and what pains me the most is that my beloved dogs try to get my attention and I turn them away.

Here is my action plan:

1. Take another week off from work
2. Make sure that when I do eat it is of benefit to me and not junk food
3. Exercise in some form for 10 minutes a day
4. As the weather permits gets outside
5. Be kind to myself
6. Drink my water
7. Connect with my SparkFriends
8. Let the anger and depression ebb and flow and accept it but don't encourage it
9. Call my doctor
10. Smile more at my dog's antics

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUVMYCRAZYKIDS 3/6/2012 10:52AM

    You are a strong woman. You've coped, not only with the loss of your granmother, but the relationship you weren't able to have with her. In spite of behaviors toward you, you did everything selflessly. It's understandable that depression has reared it's ugly head. I think having a game plan in place to LOVE and care for yourself is perfect. Seeing your doctor is an important piece of that. Sometimes we need a little boost to help lift the spirits. I wish you the best & please know that there is much support here to tap into whenever you need. These folks are sincere.

God Bless and keep you...hug your puppies, that does always help!

Dawn

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IMIN2GENES 3/6/2012 9:51AM

    Susan, I'm so sorry! I read and commented on your last blog before reading this one. I'm very sorry for your loss. Your families behaviour is just plain insane (for lack of a better word, I do have a few...). I'm so sorry that they are making a painful situation even worse.

Your action plan is great! I'm sure your dogs will be happy with it too. My thoughts are with you.
Chris
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SANDEEB7 3/5/2012 11:02PM

    Susan, your own action plan is great, and here's hoping you'll stick with it. You are a beautiful person, you've had a trying time. Give your four-legged-friends a hug and cuddle, and be kind to yourself. Say the right things to yourself - your mind will think them, your ears will hear them, and your heart will feast on them. Capture each thought, dear Susan, and chuck out the one's that are from the enemy of depression. emoticon

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BOVEY63 3/5/2012 9:16PM

    After all the stress you have been through it's no wonder your emotions and body are reacting the way they are. Take the time you need to take care of you; and know that you have so many of us praying for you and sending lots of positive vibes your way.
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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 3/5/2012 4:35PM

    Susan, I can feel your pain all the way down here to TX, and I sure wish I could erase it! How I know what it's like to have family that makes not a lick of sense! What gets into some people, I just don't understand! Please be sure that you realize that YOU are worth more than gold or silver, more than anything, and what others think or say about you has NO affect on who you really are. I know that when you're in the depths of depression, stuff like that isn't something you really hear, but it's still true. You are PRICELESS! How I wish I would hear it myself!

Love you, my friend! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 3/5/2012 2:08PM

    Just read this...I've been out of touch because of cleaning up tornado damage here...our house is still standing, thank God, in spite of lots of damage to our property.

Your plan sounds perfect and I know the sunshine will come back for you again. I'm sorry your family is so difficult. You, at least, can feel peace about being with your grandmother at the end.

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SPARKLISE 3/5/2012 7:23AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
You will get through this!
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Q8PRINCESS 3/5/2012 2:24AM

    especially like action number 5 - Be kind to yourself. Grieving is a funny thing sometimes.

As for the rest of the family, well weddings and funerals can be quite strange affairs. Aren't you glad you can pick your friends? Okay that's a bit naughty of me.

I'm really happy to see you back online.
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PONYFARMER 3/5/2012 1:57AM

    Oh my sweet, sweet friend. I so know your pain as I have been in the big D myself this week and did all of the same things that you spoke of with one exception. I still took my 91 pound dog out for her run. She just needs at as her body now 9 is starting to fail her and everyday she does not exercise and use the muscles means that she will be that much closer to not being able to get up and down.

My heart breaks for you, but I love your action plan.

My depression really broke today, while at church I could not stop crying during the Lord's table. The Pastor noticed and found a Deacon husband and wife to pray with me. Right in the middle of the prayer I felt the Holy Spirit take away some of the sadness and from that point on I began to feel better. I too made an action plan for tomorrow and like you I think it is important to force myself to do more, move a bit more, get outside and don't feed the feelings.

Love you and have you on my prayer list.

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_LINDA 3/5/2012 1:36AM

    I liked the quote I saw once -we can't choose our relatives, but we can choose our dogs..they will love you unconditionally -let them into your heart and help you fight the darkness. You were there for your Nan, they weren't, you are one awesome, strong lady. Its their loss they won't have anything to do with you. So glad you are seeing the Dr.
My thoughts are with you.
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EJOY-EVELYN 3/5/2012 12:44AM

    How unfortunate that you can’t count on your family, yet they can count on you. I’d like to think there is only one concern that should be on your mind to influence future action – and that would be God. You can rest assured that God is smiling every time you feel like doing the wrong thing and you choose to do the right thing. You were there for your Nan – Praise God!

I’m hopeful that someday you may have a Prodigal Son (or in this case Prodigal Family) story, when they come around to right thinking . . . hopefully it will come at a time you’re also ready to provide a spirit of open arms. What can I say, I’m the eternal optimist and love when the story ends with, “. . . and they all lived happily ever after.” I pray that this happens sooner, rather than later.
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GLORYANDME 3/5/2012 12:01AM

    Sending (((((hugs))))) across the miles. Your spark family loves you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAYDE53 3/4/2012 7:57PM

    Please don't let your family's actions & attitudes dictate who you are, Susan!! You had every right to be there at that funeral with the rest of them. Don't let them make you less than who you are!! You did a great job caring for her!!!

Your plan is a good one and we're all here for you!! Stay involved with others, here or at home, I try to do that when I get depressed; it helps!! Dogs are great too!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LIBBYG7 3/4/2012 6:21PM

    Susan, dear.
I agree with the others who say that families can suck!! And they can also suck the life out of you - if you LET THEM!! I, too, was the strongest and most able of my siblings (1sister+1brother=both much older.....) when it came to family crises. And because I was the just 'get it done' type, they were all too glad to let me. And, I think they despised me for doing what they were incapable of doing. Think about it....you accomplished something they were not able to accomplish -- and you made your Nan's final days so much more loving and comfortable than they would have been otherwise.And you have those memories...they are yours and yours alone. You needn't share.

Rise above it, Susan. Be glad you are who you are - and be glad you are not who THEY are!! It took me many years to realize this - and it cost me a brother and a sister. But in retrospect, I never really had them in the first place. I have no guilt - and neither should YOU!

Lastly....love your dogs. They need you and they want to bring you a little comfort. Let them. They are the best medicine for depression.
.....and oh yes....do see your doctor. There are meds to ease you through a crisis.

All best love,
Libby emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BETHJRN 3/4/2012 6:18PM

    Sounds like a wonderful plan, my dear. You have been through a very difficult time, so allow yourself time to heal. I krow that better times are ahead for you, and I'm praying that they start soon!

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MILLIE5522 3/4/2012 6:13PM

    I am glad you are going to contact your doctor. You have been through so much these past few weeks and now its your turn to get support. I also suffer from depression which I know can take everything away from you but if you can hang onto the fact that it will pass with the right kind of help.
Have you tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? This addresses the thought patterns that can lead to depression. It helps me to stop my negative thinking before I am overwhelmed by it.
Best wishes and hugs. emoticon

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GEORGIAK25 3/4/2012 4:07PM

    The true attitudes of families turn out at a death and defineitely at funerals. You did all the right things, were there for Nan and you have no need to worry about these people. They do not deserve such a good person in their lives. Find the strength to Let Go and Let God take care of things in your life. Nan kinew you were there and were taking care of her. That was all that was of importance. Let them live with their warped sense of lives. It will take a few months not to see or think of nan constantly but I believe with your usual positive attitude you will overcome. I still miss my grandparents and it has been 33 and 28 years respectively since they left this world.

Here for you anytime.

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CHUBRUB3 3/4/2012 4:05PM

    Dear Susan,
Please accept my condolences, love and prayers on the passing of your Nan. You are a wonderful woman; a joy and kindness in all things. It is ok for you to grieve. It is also ok to get angry at your self posturing; selfish relatives. How unkind of them not to acknowledge your own greif. I would like to tell them what for.
Anyhow, your plan sounds good. You may even want to go back to work sooner so as to keep busy and get your mind on other things.
Hugs and love,
Angela


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HOPESINGH 3/4/2012 4:02PM

    It is good to know that you kept by your grandma all the way, and that you guard dear memories from her. Can't say I understand the behaviour of your relatives, not talking to you or not calling you to inform about the funeral. Pretty ugly of them, I think, but that just says a lot about them, not about you. You did what you could, the best way you could.
Please don't succumb to this depression (BTW, have you considered medication? I personally have had good experience). Do what you can to push it away, and congratulate yourself for every little step you take in the right direction.
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POPSY190 3/4/2012 1:53PM

    You will get through this with the support of those who care about you. The others are peripheral and will go their own way regardless of anyone else. It is unfortunate but you can do nothing about this: people change only if THEY want to make the effort to do so. That is what you have to bring yourself to believe. It took me a long time to come to terms with the idea that whatever I did it would not change someone else's attitudes and approach to me. You are feeling a natural grief for the loss of a loved person (even if she did not reciprocate as you would wish, you loved her) and for a relationship that might have been. Your plan for the next few days is a good one, especially re dr and dogs - call on those you can trust to help at this difficult time. Kia Kaha. Xx

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 3/4/2012 1:42PM

    That is a good plan! I truly think you know yourself very well and you will get back on track. I have to say that the dogs might be more of a help if you let them.

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HEATHERNL 3/4/2012 1:21PM

    I hope that you know that you have friends here always. They don't care if you are fat or thin, they do not judge you on good days or bad, they do not expect perfection. So come here and share like you just did.
It takes a lot of courage to be so honest and open. My thoughts are with you.

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GOANNA2 3/4/2012 12:44PM

    I am so sorry that you are going through a bad time.
The family's behaviour towards you is appalling but at
least you have the memory of remembering your gran
as she was and in your own mind you were the one that
was there for her in the end. That is so admirable.
The depression that comes and goes is like a wave -
that is how it was described to me by my psychologist.
When you go down, then the only way is back up. I totally
understand where you are coming from. Just hang in there-
emoticonand positive thoughts will get you through this.
Your plan sounds wonderful and you can do this. Just vent
away to us here as we all understand. Take care and you will
soon be able to start with baby steps at a time by taking a bit
of time with your beloved dogs. emoticon emoticon

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JLITT62 3/4/2012 12:42PM

    All I can say is your family will reap the rewards of their behavior.

Maybe being at work would actually help? Take you out if yourself? No matter what, we are here.

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CODEMAULER 3/4/2012 12:27PM

    Family sucks sometimes; the funerals in my husband's family are some of the lowest examples of human behavior. Granted, my family is far from perfect, but at least they know how to conduct themselves in the public eye.

Keep your memories and experiences with Nan (good, bad and otherwise) close, as no one can take those away from you. This is what defines your relationship. Everyone else can take a flying leap off someplace high.

Talk to your dogs, too. They'll appreciate the attention and you know you'll feel better.

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JOANNANOW 3/4/2012 11:30AM

    Your plan for the next week seems wise. I think I told you this before but I will tell it again. When I was 17 my therapist wrote me a letter (he moved to the USA) in it he said "We live between islets of perfection". That stayed with me for the rest of my life. In the dark times when life was flat and meaningless that statement was there in my mind. I say" oh yes ... this is a between time". Working through those times becomes the work of a lifetime. Sometimes after a crisis there is a low period when you rise to meet a crisis like you did for your grandmother the sense of purpose and focus is crystal clear. It seems natural for things to collapse when the need has been met and the crisis recedes.
Oh boy I go on and on ... I hope you are feeling whole again soon. Give those pups an extra tickle from me. Sending hugs I know pretty soon you will romping with the dogs because you have a good plan and good habits that will prevail.
Sending hugs emoticon

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