Monday, October 04, 2010
The idea for today's blog came when I re-read what I had posted yesterday about coming up with, and listing, ten things I like about myself. It has to do with number 8 in which I stated "I laugh a lot....it fools a lot of people because they don't believe I suffer from depression"
I'm taking issue with my choice of "suffering" when describing depression. Sure there have been a lot of days when I've suffered but for the most part I would like to say "I'm living with depression". It doesn't flare up everyday nor everyweek but when it raises its ugly head it sure brings me to my knees fast enough to be actual physical pain.
I was first diagnosed as being "depressed" as a teenager although my doctor and I think I had it as a child. For the most part I was a very happy child except for March and November which brought a lot of gray skies and rain and drizzle. This trend continued into high school and into university and those months also coincided with term papers and exam preparations. Up until a few years ago, I was still having nightmares about not being prepared for a test, etc.
I've been suicidal twice and I don't want to go back there. I've felt like a lab rat at times as they tried to find the right combination of antidepressants to give to me. That, and I truly believed I would only need them for a short period of time and then I would go off of them. Not a pretty sight!
About a year ago, I committed myself to the local psychiatric ward where I stayed for one week. It was the best thing I ever did! It opened my eyes to so much. I know I'm not the worse case scenario but I also take pride in the fact that I recognized myself that I was going downhill fast. I think it takes a lot of guts to admit that!
So, although I said I'm suffering with depression, I'm proud to say that I live with it. I know the medication is working and I know I have to do my part to help myself too....hence the reason I joined SparkPeople! I'm learning to accept myself warts and all and I don't live in fear of depression anymore. Mind you, I don't embrace it either but I know from experience that the episodes will ebb and flow throughout my life. Things do turn around and I do feel better. The down times remind me of how good the good times really are!
Bless you all for reading this and learning a little bit more about me....and for accepting me anyhow!