Monday, August 15, 2011
Oh dear god, what a rough couple of days I'm after having. Nothing wrong physically but mentally I'm starting to think I'm bonkers. Which, if you know me, is partly true. Really shouldn't say that now should I as it is more socially acceptable to say "I have some mental health issues". And another thing, if you know me (and I hope you have some idea of who I am after all this time) you will know that I do call a spade a spade! So when I say I'm bonkers....don't tell me I shouldn't be!!!!
It all started quite innocently; things became too much. Depression is like that. It never arrives at your door nicely gift wrapped! No, instead it arrives in my house almost like it is carried in through the air I breathe. I should know the signs (we all know the subtle signs but try to ignore them don't we, hoping that this time will be different!) but I didn't. I do what I always do and that is to keep my feelings to myself and let the hundreds of emotions duke it out inside of my pounding head.
Today and yesterday were so bad that I just clammed up and jumped in one of our vehicles and drove until I saw the ocean.....two different directions....one about 90 minutes and the other about 60 minutes. But it is not the drive that brought me solace, nope but instead the stupid bag of Doritos and the Reese's peanut butter cups that I sneak out and buy on the way. I wouldn't even go to a store where they would know me....how sick is that!
Anyway, both days I devoured all of my "loot" during the drives and felt so sick afterwards that I didn't even enjoy any part of it. Not the drive, not the alone time, not the food, and not the view!!!
Then I arrived home to a very distraught husband (I don't tell him where I am going nor do I even take my cell phone) which I know is the heights of inconsiderateness but I when I'm like it I can't help myself.
This is what it feels like: A big puncheon barrel (me) and I have all of these emotions flying around the inside (like trapped fish) and I am afraid of even speaking because all of those emotions are going to pour forth and it ain't going to be pretty. Now, I'm normally a pretty-well laid back person so this not only bothers me but it scares me. And what do I do when I get like this....I run away! Plain and simple. Might actually work if the darned emotions didn't tag along with me!
I haven't exercised either but that is no surprise. What is surprising is that I am telling you all of this. Maybe I will have to print this off and bring it to my therapist when I see her in two months time. I sure hope this passes soon as I HATE being this way.
Monday, August 08, 2011
As most of you know, I have picked up my exercise quite a bit the past week due to joining the YMCA and finding out just how out of shape I really am. My mom has kindly offered to pay the membership fee if I make use of it so I see it as a win-win situation.
So, I was up and at the gym for 8:30 this morning (even the dogs didn't want to get up and just opened one eye and went back to sleep) and did about 25 minutes of resistance training and then I went to an hours class of water aerobics. That was really nice because I ran into an old friend (she was actually my Maid of Honour) and we giggled our way through our exercises and thus didn't seem to notice the time. Anyway, there was one particular move where we hold these foam dumbbells in our arms and we had to hold our arms straight out and make circles. It looked so easy the first time but we were jogging too and we had to do it for four different sets. I so wanted to put my arms down but instead I looked straight ahead and whispered each of your names and you carried me through it! So if your ears were burning around 9:30 Newfoundland time you now know why!!!
When I got home I showered (any ideas how best to keep chlorine from killing your hair....mine is colour treated.....shucks, the secret is out.....and I don't want to cut it all off just yet. Then we walked the dogs for a short walk before eating lunch.
It was during lunch that I had another lightbulb moment! I wanted to go for a bike ride! Now, I have a good bike but just haven't used it. In fact, the last time I used it was over a year ago but off I went. I first rode to see my mom and grandmother and spent some time sitting outdoors with them at their "home'. Several other residents were out too so it was nice to chat. Then I rode home for a total of 10.70 km. I expect to be sore tomorrow!
You know all that foolishness people get on about how the more exercise you do the more you want to do...well, I'm learning that it is not foolish to think that way. Me? Who knew? I feel like I can take on the world....just imagine how good I'm going to feel once I shed some of my baggage! Yeah!
Oh, and the very best part of today was coming home to find a message on our answering machine to say that my friend is treating me to a manicure and pedicure tomorrow! Wow! All because I cat sat for her cats a few weeks ago! She had already given me a purse and a scarf and she put $100 on our account at the vet! I'm overwhelmed with her generosity!
Must go and get the BBQ ready.....filet mignon, salad, baked potatoes....here I come!!!! No, we don't have those steaks very often but they were on sale!!
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