Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Today was my "introduction" to the Y day during which they kindly used a machine called a "body composition analyzer". Not much of it was really explained and both my cousin and I were handed these slips of paper with a bunch of numbers on them.
Although the woman doing this to us did explain that machines can often be highly inaccurate, I wasn't prepared for the shock of seeing how grossly unfit I am. According to their unit (Tanita TBF-300A), I am...ahem......70 pound overweight, have a BMI of 34.4, and have a fat composition of 50% which equals 106.6 pounds of pure blubber! Yes, I'm calling myself a whale because I'm so ashamed!
I have to research what these numbers really mean but I'm sure none of it can be good! Talk about a reality check........mine not only hit me in the head but also in my heart!
So it is decision time! What do I do? Do I let the numbers rule my life and set me back into a whirlwind of depression, over-eating, and more weight-gain. To be honest, I want to say yes because it would be easier. A lot easier than stepping up to the plate and admitting that I have a bigger hurdle to conquer than I ever thought was possible.
I thought I was doing well on Spark and maybe if I had done this test a year ago the numbers would have shocked me more. But, it is apparent that I have to do more and that means making more of an effort. It can't be all about writing blogs and walking my dogs. I have to put some serious effort into this.
Am I ready? To be honest, I don't know. I really just want to shred that piece of paper with those stupid numbers on it that I can barely look at without the tears rolling down my face. How did I get to this? Do I have what it takes to move forward? Will I make an honest effort at the YMCA or will I just let one session intimidate me so much that I don't ever want to walk in through those doors again?
I know the answers to all these questions. I HATE the Y, I HATE all gyms, I HATE looking at fit people seeming to enjoy themselves, and I'm starting to think I HATE myself for even feeling this way. My past experience is to join something and quit after a few gung-ho sessions. Will I do it again this time? I truly hope not but I think deep down that is what is going to happen. So I'm asking you all....how do I stick with it? Please help me through this because I am just going by past experiences.
How can I push past this feeling of self-doubt? Even while I was on the treadmill today thoughts of doubt crowded my mind. It was like an evil-twin was whispering in my ear that "sure you are doing it now but I bet in two weeks you won't be". Do others feel this way or is this my depression speaking? To combat that evil-twin, I conjured up images of some of my bestest SparkFriends in my mind and could see them all drop kicking my so-called twin in the butt! I really did!
Anyway, I need your help...please! I just want to roll up into a ball and have a good cry but I won't....I have a healthy supper to make! But, please, I need advice!
Friday, July 29, 2011
I bet I got half of you to check this blog out by the mere two initials M and M and you automatically thought "chocolate"!
Okay, so you were right! I've been MIA the past few days due to an uncontrollable urge to eat the above by the bag. So here I am two bags later (and I'm not talking about the kiddy size bags!) and how do I feel? Well, to be honest I feel okay. I am not regretting my decision (that will come on weigh-in day) but I listened to my body. The funny thing was I was halfway through my second bag in as many days when I realized the ones I had picked up had a) peanuts in them and b) had chocolate. So, call me a dork....it was my first time eating them and it only took me two days to figure out what I was eating!
The reason for this madness? I'm guessing it was TOM as you all like to call that wonderful time of month. Will I also admit that it took me 10 months on Spark to figure out what the initials TOM stood for!? I knew what you meant, just couldn't figure out the initials! I'm telling you, sometimes I think I'm brain dead!
Anyway, with TOM, I had a nasty migraine and even nastier moodiness. Another lightbulb moment.....figuring out what was going on and accepting it! Yes, it was enlightening! So, at 45 I'm discovering that I can move on with life and accept that I am not truly crazy. Hormones will do it to you.
So, I'm back and in the saddle! Here is a funny picture of a migraine (if such a thing exists) but it made me laugh out loud.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
A dear SparkFriend, JLITT62, who has stuck with me through the ups and downs of my journey, wrote a blog today about how her husband is starting to vary his potatoes and meat diet because she is setting an example. Her blog got me thinking AND writing!
When John and I first hooked up, (that is truly an awful expression, isn't it?) he was an avid swimmer just finished university and settling into his first job. Straight out of living with a bunch of his friends for five years (and living on Kraft Dinner and wieners!) and then back to living with his parents; talk about a wake up call. Apparently, his mom was never much of a cook and even went so far as to serve canned potatoes!
Okay, and there I was, still living with my parents and basically complaining about my mom who always made sure there were veggies on our plates, fruit for dessert, lean cuts of meat, etc, etc. Yes, I went wild in university (not a drinker) but with junk food. What do you mean I can have a bag of chips every night and Mom wasn't there to push freggies at me!
So, when John and I eventually left our parents home and got married, we varied quite a bit with regards to what constituted a "good" meal. My idea was to eat out and John's idea was to have KD, a banana, and a glass of milk. Honestly, that man drove me insane for the first six months with his "you gotta drink your milk" thing at meal times!
Things quickly changed and I became more health conscious after the novelty of junk food wore off. I was never allowed to cook when I lived with my parents so I was 34 years old and just learning. Luckily I had several great cookbooks and I had a husband who would eat anything!
I've learned to keep meals pretty simple. A piece of chicken, baked potato, lots of veggies and of course that glass of skim milk. Yesterday was grilled salmon, steam asparagus with pine nuts, roasted red peppers and a baked potato.....AND a glass of milk! ha!
Anyway, John has always been appreciative whenever I cook but I wasn't aware of how appreciative. Several weeks ago when we were together with his family, John reached for an extra helping of spinach salad. His mother (bless that woman) pipes up and says, "John you really shouldn't be eating greens because that is what caused my gall bladder to fail" and John basically told her she was full of poop! I had to leave the room! John has already had his gall bladder surgery and eats spinach and other greens several times a week. Then she started in with how raw vegetables were too hard to digest as John was reaching for his second handful of baby carrots.
Then yesterday while painting, I knew we needed something cold to drink. John asked for coke (his weakness) but when I went outside with my fruit smoothie, he said it looked delicious! Sneaky me had one stashed behind me for him and he was very thankful. I put protein powder in it along with 6 kinds of fruit, frozen yogurt and some orange juice. He questioned the protein powder and I told him it would keep him fuller longer.....I think he is starting to love Spark as much as I do!
Anyway, lead by example! Good for you food can taste awesome....just ask my dogs who loved their blueberry, mango and banana freezer pops! Move over Milkbones!
Monday, July 25, 2011
How fitting this image is to me as I reflect upon the past year of my life. See, a year ago, I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy with anything despite years of therapy and mind-altering drugs taken in the name of depression. I fooled many people but the one I couldn't fool was myself. I knew things had to change or I was going to grow old as a bitter old lady so was so judgemental about herself that it was downright painful.
Thankfully several things happened. First of all I started re-reading a book that has made a tremendous difference to my life which is called "The Highly Sensitive Person ~ How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms you" by Dr. Elaine N. Aron. This book was given to me by a dear friend/psychologist who I started seeing the second time I was quite suicidal. At the time I had skimmed through it but last July I started to really read the book and to understand what others could see in me that I couldn't see in myself. I thought for years that I was flawed because I'm not like a lot of other people but I'm beginning to not only accept myself but to love myself.
Yes, the past may help shape our futures but we can grab that future and gently cuddle, caress and nurture what that future will look like. This is where Spark came in! About the time we decided to formally adopt Louisa, I was at the vet clinic and my vet was talking about how she reshaped her life. She knew me quite well and suggested several websites to me but the one I really loved was Spark. Being the cautious sort, it took me about a month to actually sign up but my life has changed......for the better....and it isn't at all to do with weight loss.
Yes, I'm trying to lose some weight but more importantly, I'm learning (at age 45!) to love myself through acceptance!
I fully accept that I have depression which requires daily medication. It is not a character fault (check)
I fully accept that I have the body I have now due to neglect, lack of exercise and pure ignorance (check)
I fully accept that while I'm no supermodel nor athlete, my friends like and accept me for being me and not because they have to (a work in progress)
I fully accept that my husband was not forced to marry me. He did because he loved me and continues to love me warts and all (again, a work in progress)
I fully accept that what I eat and what I do for exercise is my own free will and only I can take responsibility. So each day I try to show my body that I love it..... by making smarter food choices.
And finally here is a picture that somebody took of me just last week that I initially cringed at. Not only is my toothy gap quite noticeable but I have at least three chins but you know what.....I am a work in progress and I am posting this picture to show you all that I can accept my self-perceived failings and turn them into blessings!
In conclusion, here is a quote I recently discovered and which I have posted throughout my house.....a gift to me from me!
“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”
Thank you to all of you who have been part of my journey of self-discovery! This chickie is pretty cool afterall, who would have thought that a year ago?!
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