Saturday, June 25, 2011
I owe many of you a big, geniune thank you for helping me through the past several weeks. As most of you know I was in yet another emotional slump. I don't know how why you all don't just write me off as this pattern seems to be a cycle. I do well, I try to be active and then the slump hits and I go into hibernation. Thank you for sticking by me and helping me through!
Speaking of which, the title of my blog comes from one of my favourite quotes. I just love it and wanted to share.
~The greatest battle is not physical but psychological ~
"The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good. They must always be answered by the quiet, steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage. We all suffer. Keep going.” -Graeme Fife
Yesterday turned out quite well. I awoke feeling a lot better emotionally and actually went for an one hour hike in the woods with my dogs and husband. We took a path deep into the forest and it was lovely. Lots of evidence of moose (both footprints and buttons), berry bushes in full flower, new little trees sprouting up, and most of all exercise and fresh air! It only rained a wee bit which was fine. I think we've discovered our new berry picking grounds for the fall. Yeah! I love berry picking!
Late in the afternoon I picked up my mom. Although she looked gorgeous and wasn't the least bit sad, she REFUSED to let me take her picture. John took one of me so here I am.....wearing one pair of my new glasses.
Mom and I had a really lovely meal together. I took her to a restaurant in Botwood, NL, which is where she was teaching when Dad asked her to marry him. She objected to me paying for the meal so I told her again of where the money came from. Thank goodness she and I laughed and we didn't shed any tears. I brought her back to the nursing home around 9:30 p.m. and my brother then called her from Australia so I think she had a good day all around. I also had some flowers delivered to her earlier in the day. She told me she had been dreading the day ever since Dad died and that Dad would have been proud of me....that meant more to me than anything!
Anyway, enough of that....here is some humour:
Oh, and remember my comment about the premier of Newfoundland and Labrador...well, I sort of ended up on the cover of our local newspaper. My friend doctored the picture up so here it is! I have to give the premier credit for running....I'm the plump one wearing the brown coat!
Now, that I have you laughing here are a few more:
This is Maddy - graduate of "The Sleep Academy"
This is Louisa - graduate of "The Lazy Academy"
And finally this is the graduate himself.....
The first two pictures (of the dogs) were taken when we arrived home from John's graduation and the last one was taken just before our yard sale! John says it is his Justin Bieber look! Somebody actually paid us $5 for that wig.....thank goodness they don't know how much fun we all had trying it on beforehand! Ha!!!!
Must go and put a roast of beef in the oven for the dogs and John. I've been invited out for pizza with two girlfriends!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Well, I'm still not back to participating on Spark as much as I would like nor am I exercising at all. I'm trying hard to pull myself out of a very deep rut but several things have happened that are affecting me emotionally and, as we all know, that is what gets me everytime! People used to tell me I wouldn't have depression if I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve but I can't help it and to me, it is nothing to be ashamed of. I really feel things and while I think I'm strong inside (and far stronger than most would ever guess when the crunch is on) I do tend to let my emotions wash over me as the tears flow down my face. Even my psychriatrist is on board with this one as she claims crying is a great release for pent up emotions.....and boy I must have a lot of those! Ha!
To answer most of your questions, Louisa is responding to her antibiotics. The problem is she only came off a three week supply of them 7-10 days ago so nobody knows why this particular bout of infection was so virulent. She might have to be sent out of province to have the stricture in her cervix totally removed eventually. And that costs money which we don't really have right now. I'm worried about that but I know we will always find the money somewhere when the time comes.
Then I got a call from my cousin who broke the news to me that my beloved aunts shih-tzu had to be put down on Tuesday. My aunt was living her in Newfoundland when she bought Lucky 8 years ago and she was one of my Peaches' playmates. I loved Lucky like my own and really missed them when they moved across country about 4 years ago. I saw her once since when my husband and I went on a trip and Lucky almost passed out with excitement when she saw us. She slept with us during our trip and we really hoped we were going to see her again. In fact, I was going to use some of my air miles to fly out to see her but she grew too sick too soon.
Tomorrow would have been my mom and dad's 50th wedding anniversary and for some reason that is really getting to me. As most of you know my dad died of cancer 5 years ago and mom is now in a nursing home. I think I am crying for what could have been or maybe I'm just crying because that is all I have been doing the past few days!
As you also know, money has been tight for us since my husband's funding for school finished when he graduated two weeks ago. By the way, he found out yesterday that he will be receiving what is called "The President's Medal" for being the top student in his program. He worked hard but being a "mature" student actually worked to his benefit.
Anyway, the only reason I bring up money is that I would like to take Mom out somewhere special tomorrow night and I was wondering where the money was going to be borrowed from. When it occured to me.....when my father died he had given me a roll of toonies (2 dollar coins that Canada has) which he kept in the glove box of the car for emergencies. He had them kept in an old film canister case and when I counted them earlier today (yes, I kept the roll hidden away for a moment I've been waiting for) there was $50 Canadian there. So there is the answer to paying for tomorrow's night meal. A gift for Mom from Dad on what would have been their special day! After 5 years, I finally have my answer as what to spend that money on. So tomorrow evening, Mom and I will dine out at a restaurant and hopefully it will cheer us both up!
Thanks for reading! Bless you all!
Monday, June 20, 2011
For the first time since I've started blogging, I really have drawn blanks about what to use for a blog title. Funny thing is, I know what to write about but can't seem to sum it up for an appropriate title. Oh well, maybe it will come to me.
So, where to begin? I weighed myself this morning.....drum roll.......212.8. Not as high as I expected after three weeks of binging but definitely so far off my original goals that I'm ashamed I even wrote them down here at one point. Well, what do I do? Do I simply curl up and let shame and self-doubt win again, or do I get firm with myself and say, "you slipped up, move on and above all stop letting weight have such a strong role in your personal psyche". For the record, I'm choosing the latter.
Yesterday was my first 5k race! Wow, the excitement, the adrenaline, the pride...and that was all from being a spectator! But while I cheered on my co-workers and friends who each ran their very first race yesterday there was a part of me who said, "why can't you be out there too". It really gave me something to aim towards. Now, I haven't gone up and signed up for a race or anything but now I know it is something I would like to eventually do.
Here is a funny, sad but true story! Put down anything you are drinking as I don't want to be blamed for anybody spitting coffee, water or whatever over their keyboard! After the 5k race they also had a 10k one and unbeknownst to me the premier of our wonderful province was running it along with the cabinet minister from our district. I know the latter but not the former. Anyway, the press (CBC - Canadian Broadcasting Company) was making a big deal of Kathy Dunderdale (the premier running) and were on hand to film it for the night's news. Apparently they were right behind me.....who knew that the gray fuzzy thing was a microphone...and this woman with these massive boobs (who turned out to be the premier) prompted me to turn to my friend and say "somebody needs to tighten up her sport's bra". Honest to goodness, that was what popped out of my mouth! We don't think anybody heard it but I went into hiding all day in case I showed up on the suppertime news! Oh dear...me and my mouth!!!!
Enough foolishness....today, I vowed I would eat my meals but here it is at 7:15 p.m. and all I've had today was a whole wheat bagel with peanut butter and a coffee. I'm honestly not hungry and I know this is not good for me. Part of the problem is our dear Louisa is sick again. She woke up this morning and practically attacked her water bowl and then threw it up. She was pacing the floors, retching, tail between her legs and not being her goofy self so off to the vet we went lunch time.
Talk about a miracle cure! Simply walking into the clinic worked better than any magic pill on the market. She "smiled", her tail wagged, she wanted to see the other animals, she wanted belly rubs from the vet and we felt like over-protective and slightly nutty parents. She was there for two and a half hours and showed no symptoms of being ill...but as soon as she left and we had driven 50 feet, the symptoms all returned! Back to the clinic and again, miracle cure! This time they had the results from the urine tests and sure enough she has another major infection. Poor thing. This is the worse one yet as she has lost her appetite completely and this is the dog who would eat rocks if we let her. It all goes back to the underlying stricture in her cervix which is blocking any bacteria from leaving her body. Any ideas on how to get a sick dog to eat? I cooked chicken breasts and rice for her supper but she wouldn't even take a bite. We are limiting her water to a couple of tablespoons every few hours as the thirst is from the infection but the gulping is causing the vomiting.
I know have to eat something myself but I'm just not hungry! I am going to force myself to eat something and I will track it! Yes, I will!!!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
For those who have been my loyal friends and readers of my blogs and feeds, you know I had to take a short break from Spark for reasons I'm still not sure of. I think it had a lot to do with a crazy idea I sort of developed about a month ago. My "bracelet blog" became an overnight hit (okay, maybe that is a stretch!) and within days I had won a coveted "most popular blog" award.
At first I was overwhelmed and rode the high. I had complete strangers coming out of the woodwork and my long time friends were there too to congratulate me and to offer encouragement. Suddenly, I was popular and I really didn't know what to do. Like an overnight sensation I wanted to fizzle and eventually fade from memory. Or that is what I wanted to do. YOU guys had other plans.
During my much needed break I still checked in and noticed that people were missing me.....me!? Why me?! I know I have made some fantastic friendships in the 9-10 months I have been a Sparker, but was I somehow making a difference to somebody?! Were my "sometimes too honest for my own good blogs" about emotional eating, dealing with depression, accepting who I am and my struggles with being consistent ringing true for others? It feels weird to say "yes" but it sure feels good to be missed! Bless all of you who missed me and to those who took the time to reach out, thank you!
For the past weeks, I've reverted to many, many bad ways. I haven't been eating right (back to not eating throughout the day and eating twice my calorie limit before bedtime), my walks have all but ended, and I feel rotten and digusted with myself. I KNOW Spark works so why, why, why do I fight it?
I really need to find some concrete motivational goals. They need to be mine and not borrowed, they need to be attainable and yet challenging, they need to be reflections of my journey and where I want to take this. I know I've written about this before but I really believe this is going to be the key to my success with Spark.
I've decided to change things up a bit. First, I'm going to limit the time I spend Sparking and keep touch with those that keep touch with me. I want to be everybody's friend but it is draining at times, isn't it? Although I need the social connection of Spark, I also have to balance it out with other areas in my life. Just sitting on the computer and Sparking isn't going to get me to my goals, now is it?
So, I'm back....again. Attempt number 5, 698 and maybe I will do it this time. I'm working on my goals as I know I need this program more than ever.
In closing, please reach out to your dad's today. Mine is no longer on this earth but he lives on in my heart and I am, oh so, thankful that I had such a wonderful father!
Friday, June 10, 2011
I don't know if any of you have realized I have been MIA for a few days but that is what ended up happening. I'm totally off course with both my food and exercise plan and I have nobody to blame but myself and my imaginary evil twin who I call the naysayer.
I'm not sure exactly what derailed me but I think it is like my migraines. It is never one thing that triggers them but the culmination of several "little" things that gang up and knock me flat.
To be honest, I think the start of all of this was the original bracelet blog that seemed to get everybody all excited. I rode that high until it started to get overwhelming! I had friend requests coming out of the woodwork and I felt like I had barely enough time to keep in touch with my existing friends. Then I seemed to get myself involved in several teams which I honestly belonged to in name only. Really, what is the point in doing that?
After several blogs about bracelets I wrote one about starting a team. It had been suggested by several of my new friends and I realized I was probably being a fraud. These people thought I was unto a wonderful idea and that it was working well for me when in fact it wasn't working that great for me. Once I became accustomed to it on my wrist, I simply forgot about it. So, no team will be formed at least not right now!
This all started to crumble a week ago. It was around the time poor Louisa hurt her upper back and we were told not to walk her for 8-10 days. The first couple of days were terrible as she was "stoned" by the painkillers and other medications. I felt so guilty about walking that I gave up for her sake...honestly! I couldn't walk back in my house and have her looking at me with those pitiful eyes. That soon became a handy excuse and the rain became another! How terrible of me but that is the bare-bones truth. I used my dog's injury as an excuse not to walk myself and after a week I am not sure who is more despondent!
Then came Tuesday when Lou was feeling herself and at bedtime I asked her if she wanted a piece of chicken jerky. Since she gulps everything, I broke it into small pieces and tried to hold on to each piece as she chewed. For the record, it was my husband's not-so-brilliant idea. It was working like a charm until I managed to get my thumb caught in between her jaws! I'm not sure who got the bigger fright. Me, when I felt her tooth or her when she realized what she chomped down on wasn't chicken! OUCH!
Off to the hospital we went and I admit I was crying like a flippin' baby. There was blood going everywhere and I was afraid of having to get stitches. John only got me to go because he said I would need a tetanus shot. Turns out she broke through the nail bed but didn't puncture my finger. The blood was just coming out because my finger was basically squashed with a pinhole through my thumbnail. Again, ouch! They bandaged it all up and told me to keep it dry and clean for the next week or so. It has been throbbing a lot and I pity anybody who has a broken limb because I never knew how limiting even this little injury could be. (For all the women out there....try to do up your bra with your thumb swollen and bandaged....I tried the first morning and somehow managed to get the bandage snagged in the bra hooks......oh, to see the look of amusement on John's face!!!)
Then yesterday was a write off because John graduated from college. He finished top in his class and now has to start looking for an apprenticeship in his trade. This was a nine month course in Instrumentation and Control (don't ask what that means...I still don't know) so we are hoping with his BA, his work experience and this trade that he will find a job somewhere.
Oh, the bracelet came off the minute after the dog bite when my hand started to swell and was replaced at the hospital by one of those ID ones they make you wear. I have to put it back on and I have to get back on the band wagon because it feels worse to be off of it! Who knew?!
Hopefully I haven't missed out on too much in your lives. I have a huge pile of blogs to read...yet again...and many thanks to those who reached out and basically asked where I was gone!
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