Saturday, April 30, 2011
Well, this is day two of feeling a wee bit back to normal but as I've expressed before, I'm not sure how long this feeling good will last.
After my last blog I had such an outpouring of raw, honest support that I couldn't help but feel good! You guys are the best and not one of you suggested I could "snap out of it". Believe me, I've had that said to me before. I felt a lot of pressure ease of me once I wrote that blog and had the deep conversation with my husband.
I know I am going to have bad days but I'm going to embrace those as they make me appreciate the good days all the more.
Well, actually that whole sentence is a huge pile of crap( how is that for being blatantly honest!) that I just wrote because one thing about my depression is that once it hits I can't remember what it is like to feel good. Hence the blogs as they provide physical proof for me that this does come and go.
For years I always said that the worse thing about depression is that is always comes back but if I twist that around, I should realize that it always leaves too. That is another instance of wishful thinking. Yes, it really is true but good luck getting me to see that reasoning when I'm caught in the death grip. Yet another reason I love writing my blogs, reading the comments and re-reading them again and again!
Got outside twice yesterday for my normal walk with Maddy and Louisa and twice more today. About 8 km in total. Didn't do the best nutritionally but this journey for me is going to have to be all about baby steps. I cannot do the all or nothing approach the way my mental health has been lately.
Well, I 'm going to read some more of my book now, The King's Speech, which I started and re-started several times. It is good but I fall asleep whenever I start to read these days. zzzzzzzzzzz
Talk to you all later! I am honoured that I received such support from both old and new SparkFriends alike. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and say "I just helped a stranger out today"
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Had a long and somewhat tearful chat with my husband today and I come to a long suspected conclusion. No, we are not divorcing or anything of the like but rather I think I am finally realizing that him and I are each other's family. With our dogs beside us we are a circle and if one of us gets out of sorts it really does have a profound effect on the others. DUH!
I've always had terrible self-esteem and believe it or not, I'm a lot better now than I ever was. When I was suicidal, I would always think that nobody would really notice or care if I was no longer around. I still think that way sometimes but I'm not suicidal which is a big step in the right direction.
Anyhow, we talked today about how this sense of doom and gloom comes over me and what we can do to ride it out. It always passes but when it pays a visit you have no idea of how long it is going to be the uninvited houseguest. So instead of fighting it and feeling quite defeated, I am going to ride it out each time it comes. And, I know it will come despite the best drug and talk therapy there is.
So, I'm giving myself permission not to feel bad about it anymore. If I feel like I have to sleep in, if I feel like sitting back with a nice cup of tea, if I feel like I cannot walk the dogs, I am not going to feel guilty. As long as I can keep getting through each day that will be one day closer I am to better days.
What would I accomplish by ending my life? Nothing! I would end a life that God has given me and I would cause great sorrow to those I leave behind. I would feel nothing. I would no longer feel the good nor the bad. I firmly believe that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. When I get choked up by the thoughts running through my mind I am going to do nothing. I am going to tell them to enjoy the arguments because I am going to tune them out. Plain and simple: if I ended my life today, I wouldn't have the sunshine of tomorrow to look forward to.
Keep me in your prayers but most importantly step back and appreciate your mental health even if it isn't where you want it to be. I CAN get through this and WILL get through this. I might not eat right today or exercise as much as I want to but I'm on this side of the sod and I am appreciative of that simple fact. I might have to curl up every now and then not to get mowed down by my emotions but I'm going to bloom again.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
For some reason my Spark flame has been getting dimmer and dimmer over the past few months. Like an unattended fire, my Spark has been reduced to smoldering embers at times before roaring to life when my SparkFriends have gathered around and kept the tiny flame alight with careful tending. Even when I wanted to throw buckets of ice cold water over the embers there have been friends scurrying around with sticks of kindling, breaths of air, and lots of minding.
So, I'm not sure where I am now or whether it is fair to expect my friends to do all the work. I just don't have any motivation right now and am trying to figure out why. Is it because I'm so far off my goals that I've already admitted defeat? It is because I truly believe I can't do this despite everybody's encouragement?
I know how to eat correctly but I can't do it on a regular basis. I get spurts of it when I feel great but when I feel "blah" I either don't eat or eat the wrong stuff. I know I feel better when I walk the dogs but when I don't want to do it, I just don't.
I've been trying to get into to see my psychiatrist to have a gut-wrenching talk about all of this. I know my current medications cannot be increased (it has been done before with horrible results) and I wonder if I need totally new ones. This is like very mild manic-depression and I wish I could feel "level" most of the time rather than the rare moment here and there. I dread the thoughts of experimenting with new medications as over the years I've often felt like a guinea pig. Everybody is different and it takes a lot of trial and error to get the right balance for each person.
I'm also laid off for the summer (this happens every year from May to late August) and as fun as it sounds, I've discovered I need a reason to get up and get out in the mornings. Otherwise, I fall into habits of sitting here all morning watching mindless tv, checking Spark or wasting time on Facebook.
So, I need to come up with a plan! Nobody is to blame for this or how I feel. I have to take responsibility and try to find solutions that work for me. I am going to call my doctor yet again for an appointment and I'm going to get outdoors this morning even for a short period of time to enjoy the sun. That is a step in the right direction, right?
In closing, thank you all for being there for me and for being my flame-tender when I've lost all interest in Sparking. Keep at it! I have to start being more active on here and to start encouraging all of you as you have been doing to me!
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