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I'm scared and I don't scare easily

Monday, May 02, 2011


You will all be happy (well, I think you will be happy) that I've had a good couple of days since my last blog. I walked the dogs twice today across the river for a total of 5km and tonight I set out to stroll around the neighbourhood with them on their leashes. We live in this subdivision that only has three streets and I like to walk the three of them which is about 2 km. For some reason tonight, I opted out of the the middle street and was on the upper end of my own street when I saw a young fellow standing on the sidewalk. It was then I heard the screaming and yelling coming from the driveway. There were two young men and and a woman in her 40-50's and she was trying to keep the two apart. One was armed with a stick or something similiar and was threatening to kill the other one. One wasn't wearing a shirt and was doing all the threatening and swearing. He saw me and uttered some things I'm not going to write here and I asked the woman if she was okay. It was then that the shirtless one told me to move on or he would kill me. One of our neighbours was driving down the road so I stopped him (I was more afraid for my dogs than I was for my own safety) and the shirtless wonder said he would kill my neighbour too. Anwyay, I was furious so I walked on and when I rounded the corner I decided to call the police. It was then that I saw two of the young fellows take off on foot and the woman was screaming to the (you guessed it) the shirtless one) that he was in no condition to drive but he screamed that he was going to kill the other two. I was dialing the phone when he saw me as he screeched out of the driveway in a car and threatened to kill me again.

By this point my husband had walked up the street (I had called him because I had actually forgotten the number to the RCMP) and he knew I was upset. When we got home the police called me to say they were there on the scene and would let me know what was going on. Well, at that point I was shaking (I mean these are neighbourhood kids) and my husband was madder than I've ever seen him. He loaded me up in the truck and John went looking for the young fellows father....who we had just spoken to at the election booth (oh yeah, our federal election is being held today). John had worked with the father and told him he might want to go home as there was a disturbance and the police had been called to his house. The father was shocked but glad John had told him.

Anyway, it was about that time that the police called me again to say it was two brothers who were involved and that the mother was okay (I was worried about her safety). I don't know why I'm so shaken but I am. This is a quiet neighbourhood and I've never been threatened before. Maybe it was the shock of it all but I'm quite anxious and I don't like feeling this way. Hopefully the feelings will pass and the two young men will get some anger management courses. I feel so bad for their parents but I don't regret calling the police. Do you think I did the right thing?

Talk to you all later!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGING_LIFE 5/3/2011 10:54PM

    The right thing is not always to do, but of course you did do the right thing in this situation! There was a problem and your safety was threatened. You NEEDED to call the police, and I am so grateful that you did!

I am sorry that this happened in your neighborhood. I'll be praying that everything turns out alright.

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KANSASROSE67 5/3/2011 4:53PM

    You totally did the right thing. They need help, and hopefully they will get it. Glad you're ok!

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LESLIES537 5/3/2011 3:25PM

    You absolutely did the right thing! I'm sorry that happened to you! Let me at 'em'!! I'll teach them not to talk to my Susan that way!! emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 5/3/2011 12:58PM

    You totally did the right thing! Thank God you are ok!

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PAMNANGEL 5/3/2011 12:23PM

    Scary, but you were absolutely right to call the police. emoticon

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JEPPINER1 5/3/2011 12:13PM

    you are absolutely right. Your life was threatened and others as well. I hope you are doing better.

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IFDEEVARUNS2 5/3/2011 12:12PM

    Absolutely. You were being a good neighbour.

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    you totally did do the right thing. Lord knows what would've happened if you had not placed that call. To many people turn a blind eye to domestic violence because they don't want to get involved because they think it is a personal issue but kudos to you for stopping up and making a stand for that lady.

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JLITT62 5/3/2011 12:08PM

    Absolutely you did the right thing; are you kidding? So glad you're ok. Anyone would be scared!

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BOVEY63 5/3/2011 12:06PM

    What a terrible ordeal to have been involved in. So glad that you are okay.
I absolutely think you did the right thing in calling the police. I would have done the same.

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CALGARYNEWF 5/3/2011 11:50AM

    Thank goodness you actually witnessed it and called the police. Who knows what could have happened!So many people would've looked the other way! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 5/2/2011 11:09PM

    Absolutely you did the right thing. I'm glad that no one was hurt, but I can totally understand why you would be shaken. I'm glad you're ok.

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S3XYDIVASMOM 5/2/2011 9:49PM

    I would think matters had been building up for a while before the blowup. The situation was not being controlled by the persons involved; it was time for some outside intervention. You absolutely did the right thing.

You appeared to be writing this pretty immediately after the incident. The adrenalin had to be pumping. I'm guessing that even now you have found a calmer place in your spirit.

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CHAR1970 5/2/2011 8:54PM

    You definitely did the right thing. Someone had to intervene or the threats would become reality. I'm glad you had the courage to do something and not just walk away, and that no one got hurt.

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SUSANMOMOF6 5/2/2011 8:06PM

    So glad you are safe. Too many people close their doors and do nothing- you definitely made the right "call"!


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    Yes you did!

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ELISOS 5/2/2011 7:00PM


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    Of course you did the right thing! That mother did not need to be subjected to that, and neither did anyone else! You have to err on the side of safety, and your main interest was to keep people (including yourself) safe!

You'll calm down, I think. The adrenalin may still be coursing through your veins, and it's actually a very helpful thing when you need to think and act fast. I'm so glad that you are safe and sound!

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BECCAJ98 5/2/2011 6:34PM

    You absolutely did the right thing! Glad you, the dogs, and everyone else is ok!

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Welcome to my rollercoaster....called this is Susan's Life

Saturday, April 30, 2011


Well, this is day two of feeling a wee bit back to normal but as I've expressed before, I'm not sure how long this feeling good will last.

After my last blog I had such an outpouring of raw, honest support that I couldn't help but feel good! You guys are the best and not one of you suggested I could "snap out of it". Believe me, I've had that said to me before. I felt a lot of pressure ease of me once I wrote that blog and had the deep conversation with my husband.

I know I am going to have bad days but I'm going to embrace those as they make me appreciate the good days all the more.

Well, actually that whole sentence is a huge pile of crap( how is that for being blatantly honest!) that I just wrote because one thing about my depression is that once it hits I can't remember what it is like to feel good. Hence the blogs as they provide physical proof for me that this does come and go.

For years I always said that the worse thing about depression is that is always comes back but if I twist that around, I should realize that it always leaves too. That is another instance of wishful thinking. Yes, it really is true but good luck getting me to see that reasoning when I'm caught in the death grip. Yet another reason I love writing my blogs, reading the comments and re-reading them again and again!

Got outside twice yesterday for my normal walk with Maddy and Louisa and twice more today. About 8 km in total. Didn't do the best nutritionally but this journey for me is going to have to be all about baby steps. I cannot do the all or nothing approach the way my mental health has been lately.

Well, I 'm going to read some more of my book now, The King's Speech, which I started and re-started several times. It is good but I fall asleep whenever I start to read these days. zzzzzzzzzzz

Talk to you all later! I am honoured that I received such support from both old and new SparkFriends alike. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and say "I just helped a stranger out today"

xo Susan emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVE_IS_LOUDER 5/3/2011 11:38AM

    It is hard to remember what good feels like on the bad days, but on the good days, all you can think about is how terrible the bad days feel. It's backwards, and I know just what you mean. Remember that we're here for you, doll.
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S3XYDIVASMOM 5/2/2011 9:54PM

    I fall asleep whenever I sit down to read, too. It's a pattern that really annoys me. I thought it was part of getting old, but you can't use that as an excuse. Ah! For the days when I could read a book straight through.

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BOVEY63 4/30/2011 10:48PM

    Happy to hear that you're feeling a bit better. Praying that you get better and better every day.

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MILLISMA 4/30/2011 9:51PM

    When you're feeling down, just blog and we'll be here for you. Sending prayers and lots of hugs your way.

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TEMPEST272002 4/30/2011 9:43PM

    I'm glad you're continuing to improve. I know precisely what you mean when you talk about not remembering what it feels like to feel good when you're in the grips of depression. I feel relieved that you're having happy moments again - it's a good sign that you're getting better. As I walking in the sunshine today with Dog & 2 other canine friends, I thought of you and wondered if you were out enjoying find weather with your doggies too.

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_LINDA 4/30/2011 4:34PM

    I will always be here for you, for the highs and lows, we all have them, no one is immune. Here is hoping you will see some light at the end of the tunnel sooner than later..
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KAMAPERRY 4/30/2011 4:00PM

    You are my dear friend always!

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GAYLE-G-63 4/30/2011 2:36PM


I have to agree with many; you are not a stranger. Although we've never met in person, you are still someone I genuinely care about.

Be well. I'll keep you in my thoughts.


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LESLIES537 4/30/2011 2:20PM

    Awe, you are so sweet. I just knew that blog would get a lot of attention b/c of the title and because of how awesome the spark people are, here. This community is the most caring and supportive of any that I've ever known. They saw that title and bless their hearts, came a running on over to support you. I could just feel the love! You really are blessed!

Good job on getting out walking your babies...twice!!! What has gotten into you?! lol I love it! emoticon

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    That is right, Susan! You're not a stranger! You're my FRIEND! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHANGING_LIFE 4/30/2011 2:04PM

    Miss Susan,
You aren't a stranger! You are a friend and a great one at that!
May God bless you in your journey! Take care of yourself!

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What would I accomplish by ending my life....deep thoughts ahead!

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Had a long and somewhat tearful chat with my husband today and I come to a long suspected conclusion. No, we are not divorcing or anything of the like but rather I think I am finally realizing that him and I are each other's family. With our dogs beside us we are a circle and if one of us gets out of sorts it really does have a profound effect on the others. DUH!

I've always had terrible self-esteem and believe it or not, I'm a lot better now than I ever was. When I was suicidal, I would always think that nobody would really notice or care if I was no longer around. I still think that way sometimes but I'm not suicidal which is a big step in the right direction.

Anyhow, we talked today about how this sense of doom and gloom comes over me and what we can do to ride it out. It always passes but when it pays a visit you have no idea of how long it is going to be the uninvited houseguest. So instead of fighting it and feeling quite defeated, I am going to ride it out each time it comes. And, I know it will come despite the best drug and talk therapy there is.

So, I'm giving myself permission not to feel bad about it anymore. If I feel like I have to sleep in, if I feel like sitting back with a nice cup of tea, if I feel like I cannot walk the dogs, I am not going to feel guilty. As long as I can keep getting through each day that will be one day closer I am to better days.

What would I accomplish by ending my life? Nothing! I would end a life that God has given me and I would cause great sorrow to those I leave behind. I would feel nothing. I would no longer feel the good nor the bad. I firmly believe that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. When I get choked up by the thoughts running through my mind I am going to do nothing. I am going to tell them to enjoy the arguments because I am going to tune them out. Plain and simple: if I ended my life today, I wouldn't have the sunshine of tomorrow to look forward to.

Keep me in your prayers but most importantly step back and appreciate your mental health even if it isn't where you want it to be. I CAN get through this and WILL get through this. I might not eat right today or exercise as much as I want to but I'm on this side of the sod and I am appreciative of that simple fact. I might have to curl up every now and then not to get mowed down by my emotions but I'm going to bloom again.

Thanks for reading!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEPPINER1 5/1/2011 11:24AM

    I can relate. Glad you are going to try and stop feeling guilty. Good luck and keep us posted.

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DAWNFIRE72 4/29/2011 9:39PM

    Wow. What a thought provoking blog. It is one that sadly I relate to all too well. I am finding that just doing like you say and riding out the storm of negative feelings is the only way to do it.

I hope that the sunshine of tomorrow shines on you today.

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JUNEBUGG02 4/29/2011 4:27PM

  When I read this title, I felt so alarmed, but after reading the entire post, I think you are doing quite well! I realize that you don't FEEL well, but you have a handle on this depression. I've been told that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. As you said, the feelings pass eventually. I'm so glad you shared this blog - people who deal with depression are so very brave!

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LESLIES537 4/29/2011 2:30PM

    I'm so glad you're giving yourself permission to not feel bad about things---good for you! You will not be defeated so no sense in feeling that way! That's the right attitude!

You are always in my prayers, sweet friend. Bloom away! emoticon emoticon

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BOVEY63 4/29/2011 1:41PM

    You are in my prayers and I am so glad you have given yourself permission to not feel bad when you need to do what is best for you.
It is so nice that you have your dear hubby there to walk the paths of life with you.
Take care my friend!

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CHANGING_LIFE 4/29/2011 11:53AM

    You have been an amazing Spark Friend to me! I look forward to your comments on my blog. I'm so glad you have been able to open up on here to all of us.
When I was a senior in high school, I went through a lot of depression. I wanted to join the Navy; my parents wanted me to go to college. I could not take anti depressants if I wanted to join the Navy, so I did everything possible to NOT take them. That was the first time in my life I really became devoted to a "healthy lifestyle." Anytime I was upset, I went for a walk. Walking was the only thing I could do.
We are here for you; come lean on us.
Thank you for being such a wonderful friend! I would miss you terribly!

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MEGSMILEY 4/29/2011 11:36AM

    Ah honey. Glad to hear you are feeling a little better. I have been there and- you are right- the way back is incremental. You will gradually feel better. When I get low- I force my brain to take control over my heart and I do all the things I know are good for me- even if I don't feel like it.
But I agree that the very first step is to not beat yourself up for feeling down. Depressed people feed themselves a lot of negative crap. Just try to realize that you are wonderful and that you wouldn't judge a friend so harshly for struggling- so you shouldn't jusge your own self harshly for it either.
Anyway- best of luck. I am thinking of you. :)

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CINDYHOUGHTON 4/29/2011 10:52AM

    Wow I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. It sounds like you have made some great strides towards learning to live with it. You also have a very understanding hubby for which I am sure you are more than grateful. May you continue to find peace in the turmoil, joy in the little things and thankfulness at every turn. May God give you wisdom and understanding and a spirit of revelation. Thank you for sharing and yes I do thank God for not having to suffer as you have.

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DONNACFIT 4/29/2011 10:22AM

    Hi..hugs to you..your title caught my eye since I'm going through a very low time myself..helping my daughter deal with a break up that has left her depressed and sucidal but she was reaching out to me for help then attacking me...left me in a bad place..since I didn't set any boundaries..she's not talking to me and lives far away so I'm dealing with my own depression and need to find my peace again..going to therapy, etc.

So glad you've found your peace..I'm so proud of you!! emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 4/29/2011 10:00AM

    You are strong and wise. Accepting this aspect of your life and waiting for the sunny days to come back is a good step, I believe. Prayers and hugs.

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JLITT62 4/29/2011 5:35AM

    This is a brave post & I hope it will help other people. Of course you are in my prayers!

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ALYKAATT 4/29/2011 1:57AM

I don't think it was an accident that I happened upon your blog tonight. I usually don't read many of the blogs but tonight I was missing my Daddy, he passed away Dec 4th and was my very best friend, so I thought I would read some. I have had clinical depression as far back as I can remember which is 1st grade. My family is very close and loving but they never understood why all my life I thought of suicide, I never attempted it because I love them WAY too much. I think it is the cruelest thing you can do to anyone that loves you, it's like telling them "Thanks for loving me but I hate you" Anyway, finally after many years of hearing why are you depressed, you have everything, which I did, money, a happy childhood, loving parents, friends, beautiful children and now 2 beautiful grandchildren, I finally found a Dr that got my mix of medication right. He explained to my family that my depression isn't situational or seasonal. It is a chemical imbalance and is an illness just as any other. I will have to take medicine to treat it the rest of my life because I was born with it. Like you, he told me when I do have the (thankfully now) mild bouts of depression to do just as you have said you will do now, just go with it to a point. As long as I don't go for days staying in bed or not eating, shutting myself off from family and friends, it's ok to just feel sad! That doesn't mean you are going into a depression again. Everytime I got sad I was worried I was falling into a depression which would stress me more. So please know you are doing the right thing, take your meds, talk it out with your spouse, friends, Dr or family. And just feel the feelings and trust yourself to know if it's normal or if it is something you need to talk to the Dr about. Unless you are having severe highs and lows, it really doesn't sound like you are bipolar. Alot of clinically depressed people think about suicide because the sadness is so overwhelming. I'll be praying for you and just know there is always more help if you don't feel like your Dr is doing enough. : )

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LOVE_IS_LOUDER 4/29/2011 12:30AM

    I identify with this blog SO much. You have no idea, I go through the exact same things. My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years and it affects him so much when I go through those "spells" too. He always asks me what he can do, and I always tell him, "nothing, just wait it out." I feel bad because I know he feels helpless, but then again,so do I.
I tried to kill myself half a lifetime ago, and I'm so glad I didn't. I know now that it would affect a lot of people if I suddenly wasn't here anymore, and I don't want to die, but those thoughts still run through my head from time to time. It's the most selfish thing a person can do, but I think how EASY would it be to not have to deal with life anymore?
Then again, I'd have to miss out on all the wonderful things in life too. The birth of my niece and nephew last year had a profound impact on me... the only thing I could think was, "I would have missed this." I don't know what your story is, but please know that you are not alone. And if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me.

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LINDAGRAVEL 4/28/2011 11:26PM

    You are in my prayers,Thinking of you my friend.

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TEMPEST272002 4/28/2011 10:59PM

    I'm glad you guys were able to talk and that you are feeling more at peace today. Sending warm thoughts to you today... did you guys get that fabulous warm wind today? It really lifted my spirits.
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    Linda's right. You won't be judged here. You are very much loved. emoticon emoticon

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MILLISMA 4/28/2011 9:10PM

    Keeping you in my prayers. Very proud of you for saying what you are feeling. My dad has gone through some terrible depression so I can sort of understand. Life is precious.and so are you. We are here for you and sending lots of hugs.


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MAXIE56 4/28/2011 8:37PM

    We are all here for you

emoticon emoticon

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VAMANOS 4/28/2011 8:34PM

    Your title caught my eye due to a friend's activity feed, and because I just had an email exchange with a friend who is fighting against thoughts of suicide. His seems to be situational, and I've asked my friends to join in prayer for him, but as I read your post, it appears to me that you may have a chronic situation that could be eased with medication. Forgive me, I know nothing about you, but the symptoms you describe look very much like bipolar disorder. This can be addressed! Please don't just attempt to ride it out if you haven't seen a doctor about it. It's a physical problem and they know how to ease the symptoms.

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_LINDA 4/28/2011 8:12PM

    My thoughts are with you. Feel free to use this site as a venting/let it all out release and be free. No judgements passed here only hugs and friendships. We all have our bumps in the road and will get on track eventually when we are ready. You will too, when the storm passes..
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VELVETCATT 4/28/2011 7:51PM

    You are in my prayers - God bless you, and stay strong; as you said in your post, just know that this, too, shall pass.

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/28/2011 7:42PM

    And your bloom is so beautiful and appreciated when it does return. I've followed you long enough to have seen that you do, indeed, have your ups and downs. I appreciate that even when you're in the dumps, you know that this, too, in time, will pass. I am looking forward to your sunshine, but I can handle your rain.
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KAMAPERRY 4/28/2011 7:39PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon You do have my prayers, I do know what that feels like.

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CATHM26 4/28/2011 7:22PM

    Thinking about you

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Introducing my wonderful homeland....this is just a tease

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I've been meaning to do this for some time but haven't been able to figure out how to share this video. Keep in mind that I don't live anywhere near the ocean despite living on an island!


The first one sums up our relaxed way of life. We are indeed a half-hour ahead of the most easterly time zone in either the United States and Canada as we have our own time zone. We are in fact closer geographically to the United Kingdom than we are to provinices/states on the west coast of either the U.S. or Canada.

The second video is one of my favourites as a line full of clothes is one of my favourite sights of all to see. Traditionally Mondays were wash days here and clotheslines were often just strings of rope elevated in the middle by a long stick. I always joke that we refer to the weather as rain, drizzle, fog, or as "a nice day on the clothes" which means it was sunny, yet windy enough to dry your clothes without wrinkles but not too windy that your drawers won't end up out to sea!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALGARYNEWF 5/3/2011 12:23PM

    These are awesome....Making me homesick!!!! emoticon emoticon

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BOVEY63 4/28/2011 12:20PM

    Beautiful videos - so inviting! Hope to get there in the future.

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BYEFATNANNY 4/28/2011 8:50AM

    Oh my these were beautiful and relaxing. What a beautiful place you live. I can feel the cool breeze. Thanks for sharing these.

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HICKOK-HALEY 4/28/2011 1:09AM

    So beautiful!

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GOODBYEHORSES 4/27/2011 11:36PM

    You are so lucky! I bet it smells incredible there!?

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LESLIES537 4/27/2011 11:14PM

    Well aren't you special having your own time zone! Cool! emoticon

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CHANGING_LIFE 4/27/2011 8:09PM

    Beautiful. I must come visit you ;). But I will be honest. . .I thought you were talking about your dogs until I started reading your blog!
I loved the Anne of Green Gables books when I was a child. They made me really be interested in going to Prince Edward Island. Have you ever read those?

Anyway, thanks for sharing!

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JEPPINER1 4/27/2011 6:30PM

    Very nice!

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_LINDA 4/27/2011 5:45PM

    I actually remember seeing this on a TV ad.. To me, it seemed rather barren, like Saskatchewan can be. Endless flat farmers fields until you hit the boreal forest and lakes, only in your case, the rock cliffs on the shore.. Your weather might even be worse then ours as far as getting lots of snow and rain..But there must be a reason you chose to live/stay there. For me its medical and family. Otherwise the warmer climate of Victoria would appeal to me..
Hope you are finally getting some spring there..

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TEMPEST272002 4/27/2011 5:39PM

    I can't watch video (we pay per data usage), but hopefully I'll get out there one day in person & see it for myself.

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KAMAPERRY 4/27/2011 5:30PM


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BECCAJ98 4/27/2011 5:30PM

    Very beautiful!!

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Trying hard not to let the winds of life blow out my Spark

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


For some reason my Spark flame has been getting dimmer and dimmer over the past few months. Like an unattended fire, my Spark has been reduced to smoldering embers at times before roaring to life when my SparkFriends have gathered around and kept the tiny flame alight with careful tending. Even when I wanted to throw buckets of ice cold water over the embers there have been friends scurrying around with sticks of kindling, breaths of air, and lots of minding.

So, I'm not sure where I am now or whether it is fair to expect my friends to do all the work. I just don't have any motivation right now and am trying to figure out why. Is it because I'm so far off my goals that I've already admitted defeat? It is because I truly believe I can't do this despite everybody's encouragement?

I know how to eat correctly but I can't do it on a regular basis. I get spurts of it when I feel great but when I feel "blah" I either don't eat or eat the wrong stuff. I know I feel better when I walk the dogs but when I don't want to do it, I just don't.

I've been trying to get into to see my psychiatrist to have a gut-wrenching talk about all of this. I know my current medications cannot be increased (it has been done before with horrible results) and I wonder if I need totally new ones. This is like very mild manic-depression and I wish I could feel "level" most of the time rather than the rare moment here and there. I dread the thoughts of experimenting with new medications as over the years I've often felt like a guinea pig. Everybody is different and it takes a lot of trial and error to get the right balance for each person.

I'm also laid off for the summer (this happens every year from May to late August) and as fun as it sounds, I've discovered I need a reason to get up and get out in the mornings. Otherwise, I fall into habits of sitting here all morning watching mindless tv, checking Spark or wasting time on Facebook.

So, I need to come up with a plan! Nobody is to blame for this or how I feel. I have to take responsibility and try to find solutions that work for me. I am going to call my doctor yet again for an appointment and I'm going to get outdoors this morning even for a short period of time to enjoy the sun. That is a step in the right direction, right?

In closing, thank you all for being there for me and for being my flame-tender when I've lost all interest in Sparking. Keep at it! I have to start being more active on here and to start encouraging all of you as you have been doing to me!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOVEY63 4/28/2011 12:16PM

    I sure hope you can get your meds worked out so they are working well for you.
Whenever you need a little help in tending your fire, I'm here for you.

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JUNEBUGG02 4/27/2011 10:02AM

  I pray that you find the right meds for your body - I know how tricky it can be! Many people do better with structure to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are an intelligent and creative person, so I know you can formulate a plan that will keep you going. I really enjoy your blogs - perhaps you will consider writing?

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CHANGING_LIFE 4/26/2011 5:52PM

    Sounds a lot like what I've been going through in my life.

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WALKZWDOGZ 4/26/2011 5:03PM

    Honey, it's not you throwing water on that Spark. It's a big puddle of bio-chemistry & depression throwing the water. It'll quit splashing. Honest. You're doing the right things.

You sound just like me a couple of years ago (albeit about a different area. Heck, I didn't even CARE about weight then which is partly how i got to this weight now.) Things got better, partly with meds. But I'd have told anyone what they were full of if they'd suggested life was going to improve.

You're being to hard on you. So what if you eat right some days but not others, or walk the dogs sometimes but not a continuous streak? Put a sticker on the calendar or pat yourself on the back when you DO do 'em. Heck, a lot of people leave dogs chained in back yard and live on cheeseburgers & pop! emoticon Give yourself credit for all you HAVE accomplished, fergoodness sakes.

Stepping off my soapbox now before my computer dies again! Hang in there! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/26/2011 5:06:11 PM

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TEMPEST272002 4/26/2011 4:51PM

    I've been thinking about you for days. Depression is such a difficult illness and I know you're struggling. I'm glad you've checked in with your blog and that you're still walking the dogs - it's good for their mental health as well as yours. I'm not sure what to say except that I do care and I just want you to be gentle with yourself and do the best you can and know that it's enough.

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    What great advise and support you're getting here, Susan! I agree with Linda... this is your depression talking! Fight it, I say! I know the Susan who is real! You are miserable when this depression takes over, and I know you want your fun-loving, cheerful self to kick into gear! We ARE here for you, you know! So if you DO take a break--and you may or may not need one--just remember that we're here waiting for you so we can cheer you on! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_LINDA 4/26/2011 2:03PM

    This is your depression talking. Its very unfortunate its so trial and error before you find a medicine that works for you, but if that is what is needed to help you, you must go for it. When you can get your depression under control, the real Susan and the Spark will come back. In the mean time, just keep checking in and letting it all out. I agree with wenwin, if you can find some one in real life to buddy up with, it would help motivate you more to keep going..We are always here for you..
emoticon emoticon

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OUBACHE 4/26/2011 1:50PM

    You may need to give yourself permission to take some time off and give yourself a break. If logging on starts to feel more like a chore or something you HAVE to do instead of something you ENJOY doing, take a spark vacation. Tell yourself you won't get on SparkPeople for one week. After 7 days without Sparking I'm betting you'll be more than ready to come back and start fresh. We'll be here waiting for you. I hope you feel better soon.

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BECCAJ98 4/26/2011 11:15AM

    The fact that you are still here is wonderful!

While you are off this summer, maybe find somewhere to volunteer. Then you have a reason each day!

Wish you good luck! I know you can do it!

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KAMAPERRY 4/26/2011 11:13AM

    You are making a major first step. I wish you the best. Always here for you, ok? emoticon emoticon

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LESLIES537 4/26/2011 10:33AM

    That IS a big step in the right direction!! I was reading each word so intently and when I came to that 2nd to last paragraph it was like I felt myself getting lighter, as if the sun was coming out or something. That's the kind of stuff I like hearing! There's the Susan I know!! Keep pushing and know I'll always be there to kindle your flame!! Always! (Whether you like it or not, missy! lol)

Comment edited on: 4/26/2011 10:35:23 AM

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JEPPINER1 4/26/2011 9:37AM

    You will find what works for you. The medicine will take time to figure out. In the mean time, enjoy the outdoors with your doggies and take babysteps again. Sometimes we all get caught up in life that we forget the little things like drinking water. Don't worry about your goals. It will come in time. Maybe don't set pound goals. There's all kinds of non weight goals you can set. One is just feeling healthier. Once your mind is focused, you can do anything!! emoticon

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JLITT62 4/26/2011 8:23AM

    So many of us, including myself, have been wherevyou're at - minus the depression for me & I can only imagine how much tougher that makes everything.

All I can tell you is that even tho it's a never-ending struggle, I truly believe it's worth it.

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WENWIN 4/26/2011 7:55AM

    Is there a friend who will walk with you or that understands "where you are at" right now? As wonderful as Spark is, sometimes we need to let human touch into our lives. You may not "feel" like it but having a buddy to Spark with you, take a walk, etc. may help you feel so much better.

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WENDYSPARKS 4/26/2011 7:47AM

    Hang in there and don't give up.

HUGS, Wendy

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TATTER3 4/26/2011 6:48AM

    I dealt with major depression for years. I still have 'twinges' of the emotions that took me from mountains to dark again and again...but I have to keep talking to myself about the BIG pictures. My "emotions" are not always reality. Journal. Write down your goals. Don't make huge ones like "I'm never going to eat poorly ever again" or "I'm going to exercise every day for the rest of my life"...Make small ones, like "for this meal...I'm going to drink a glass of water before I order another type of drink." It's one step at a time. You move mountains one shovel at a time. You are not alone...don't give up...just keep Sparkin'!!!Everyday is the start. Don't compare yourself to others!!! I'll be glad to help in any way I can! See you on the site.

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