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Why I do the things I do

Friday, May 06, 2011


Well, it is Friday again and I feel like my grandfather when he used to say that. As a child, I never understood what he meant as the time seemed to stand still at times. Now it just flies by and I wonder where it went or what I accomplished.

I know one thing I've accomplished in the past week! I've eaten enough Cadbury Fruit and Nut bars that I'm slowly turning into one. I never thought I was a binge eater but I've realized that if I'm not careful I tend not to eat all day and then gorge at night. Well, they say the first step in recovery is acknowledging you have a problem. So, here I am admitting that I, Susan, do have an eating problem.

I know if I plan my meals ahead of time, avoid junk, eat all of my meals, limit snacking, and cook healthy, I can do this but why don't I? Am I too strict when I try that I quickly lose interest? Am I just sabotaging my own efforts by thinking this is "all or nothing". Do I use my episodes of depression to eat comfort foods rather than stick with my plan? Unfortunately, I can answer yes to all of these questions and still not be motivated to make any changes.

Okay, so lets be honest! Do I have what it takes right now to throw myself into Spark? No.
Do I think it is an all or nothing program? Yes
Why do I feel this way? I don't know
Did any of you experience this and what did you do to overcome this feeling?
Would a reward system and clear, short-term goals work best for me? Yes
Do I want to set up such a reward system? Hmmmm?

I know some of you are probably yelling at your computer monitors right now to tell me to grow up, not be so lazy and to take this seriously. To be honest, if this was someone else's blog, I'd be rolling my eyes and saying, "enough already"

Since I like projects, I think I will come up with a set of daily goals (duh, like Spark tells you to do but I figured I would bypass that part) and make up some rewards (another Spark favourite!)

I will look at the positive choices I make each day and count those without focusing on the stuff I'm not doing or the stuff I'm eating that is wrong.

I think today's personal challenge will be to start re-reading The Spark book and not rushing ahead this time. I need to establish a few permanent habits as opposed to many temporary ones.

See, how easy it all sounds "on paper" as they say. Thanks again for reading through my scribbles and for not giving up on me.

So back to basics it is for me........................................


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GARDENQE2 5/8/2011 8:43PM

    Hi, Susan!
I am a serious chocolate addict, and I found this way to deal with it. Rather than keeping my favorite (Peanut M&Ms) out of the house, I keep a good supply of them in a big bowl where I can look at them. For some reason, just looking at them is satisfying, and days go by without my eating any. When I have serious cravings, I can eat a couple pieces, and walk away. Even if I come back twenty times, I have eaten only one serving, it has taken all day, and I have gotten lots of walking in! I haven't had a real chocolate binge in several years, since I adopted this practice. Whatever works is good!
Best wishes!

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MEMARE 5/8/2011 12:15PM

    Hi Susan, it's me Mare...I'm a emoticon.
Taking things slow and steady is what has worked for me. In the beginning I modified the exercises to the 'easy' route until I felt comfortable/confident doing the more strenuous ones. In doing the C25K program... I think my jog sessions were more like a bouncy walk... I wasn't about speed. In my food choices, I worked on portion sizes before changing up my food selections. When I 'graduated' to the mindset of changing those dietary needs to more healthy ones I did it slowly...like changing from cow milk to almond milk. I still have my indulgences but I try to limit their frequency. It’s not easy by any means to do these changes. Just take it slow, try to plan ahead and if you screw up…so what? Step back acknowledge your shortcoming and step ahead into knowing you can overcome…one step at a time. One day at a time. One month at a time.
emoticon emoticon

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    Hi Susan, take it in small steps. Pick one non food thing to do, like exercise for 10 minutes. Then add in a food item to change or try.


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_LINDA 5/6/2011 9:56PM

    This lifestyle change has always been about baby steps, one at a time, and all things in moderation, not deprivation. There is nothing I don't allow myself to eat or have. The key is not to have it every single day ;) If you can get it right 80 % in a day, you are doing great! Picking one goal and reward at a time is necessary too, so you don't feel overwhelmed. Make it a realistic one too.
You can do this!
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TEMPEST272002 5/6/2011 9:38PM

    Not only wasn't I rolling my eyes... I was nodding my head as I remembered feeling the exact same way.

To change my life, I had to change my thinking. To help me, I created the persona of my Inner Cheerleader. Sounds a little silly, but it was effective. I would imagine her arguing back against my Inner Perfectionist. In the beginning, it felt awkward but - like everything else - it because easier & more comfortable with practice.

When I'm not sure if it's perfectionism or reason talking - I ask myself what I would think if the person is question was a dear friend. The better friend I am to myself, the healthier I become. Not coincidence, I'm sure.

I think you're on the right track to focus on the positives. Acknowledging those little successes helps us build momentum. So next blog - a list of the days non-scale victories perhaps? Every little healthy choice counts.

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RUNJEWELRUN 5/6/2011 6:25PM

    You are in welcome company! I think most people on Spark love food. We all just have different ways of dealing with it.
Moderation is best(and it is something we slowly learn over time).
I put my cheats in to my calorie count for the day(and if I feel like I am going to go over, I increase my exercise).
Also, drinking a lot of water really helps.
You can do this. Remember that you are not alone and we all support you.

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JLITT62 5/6/2011 6:02PM

    That all or nothing attitude has to go! Wish I could tell you how to do it. You have to just accept that slips will happen cause you're human - but you can't get complacent, either.

Balance is tbs key!

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BLESSED2BEME 5/6/2011 5:44PM

    Hi Susan, my name is Trish and I'm a foodaholic. I too think I should be working my program, ALL or NOTHING. It has taken me FOREVER to figure out that is not possible. I had to finally knock it into my head that small baby steps, one at a time, getting a new healthy habit estabilished before taking on another change was the way to go. I still fall back into old habits. Being addicted to food is a bit different than something we can give up 100%. There is no cut and dry answer.

Now that you have conquered step 1, what is step 2?


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BECCAJ98 5/6/2011 5:32PM

    Hi Susan, I'm Becca......and I binge too! emoticon

We can do this!

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KAMAPERRY 5/6/2011 5:01PM

    My name is Kama. I am a food addict, nice to meet you. We can do this together, one day, one minute at a time emoticon

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-KATHERINE- 5/6/2011 4:55PM

    I just goofed around with this tracking things on my good days and nothing on my bad days...but then I asked myself if I really wanted to lose weight? The answer was yes, so am I just going to piddle around with it or do it...So I tracked everything even if I was way over my calories cuz I could see exactly what I was consuming and why I was the way I was and things started clicking in my head for me. This kind of turns into a game and who is going to win? you or the calorie intake? you or the fitness nothings? Keep persevering until it clicks in for you.

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LESLIES537 5/6/2011 4:53PM

    Hi Susan, I'm Leslie, and I too, have an eating problem. We can conquer this, together! emoticon

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    I did my goals over, and WHY I did those goals, and it really helped, Susan! emoticon emoticon

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I know I'm not a parent.....but....

Wednesday, May 04, 2011


Had a really good and productive day yesterday which was made that much easier because the sun was out in all of its glory. Wasn't real warm but enough to get laundry on the line and a few windows open to air out the house.

I only walked the dogs once all the same and that was around 8:00 a.m. so I feel kind of bad about that. They were out in the back garden with me but most of that was spent lying down or looking at me with "okay, what do you want us to do now" expressions.

I took 2 garbage bags of freshly washed/dried clothes to goodwill which made me feel good on many levels. Some of it still fit but was simply wrong from the start, some of it was too big (YEAH) and others I collected from other people. I cannot stand when people throw good things in the garbage that others might need and/or want!

The highlight of our day was after supper when our 12 year old friend called and said he finally got his dirtbike! We were thrilled and of course had to go along to see him take his first ride. Let me back track here for a minute. We met this little boy about 3 years ago as his mom taught dog obedience. We were instantly smitten with him (not so much with his parents but that is another story) and sort of took him under our wings. He wanted an iPod, so John suggested that his family start recycling (a foreign concept apparently) and we recruited a few neighbours. John spent hours in the woods looking for bottles and by last June, there was enough money raised. He asked John and I to take him shopping for it which we did.

So, his next goal was a dirtbike which we all laughed at (he did too) because we figured raising $1000 would take him straight into high school! But, they did it! They raised $800 from collecting bottles and cans and the other $200 he had from his birthday money. Of course as soon as he got it home he called us to thank us.

Okay, so last night we all (his parents who are divorcing) and John and I. His parents know a thing or two about bikes so they started telling him what to do. Unfortunately they swore on him several times for not catching on, called him a sissy for being nervous, etc, etc. I was almost in tears and John had to walk away on the pretence that he was looking for more bottles/cans for gas money!

Like I said, I'm not a parent but don't they see how humiliating their words are? Alex is a wonderful boy (I know he is not an angel but he is a nice, mannerly boy) and he was reduced to tears by his parents in front of us. He asked them several times to stop pressuring him before his father said, "get the *^%@$ off the bike and I'll show you....see if it gets into that pea-size brain of yours this time."

I felt horrible so I pretended that I was interested in learning how to start the bike too so we could learn together. Everything his parents yelled at him, I carefully repeated and asked questions and Alex explained it back to me. Before we knew it, he had it started and was off across the field. John was at the other end taking pictures and jumping up and down like a cheerleader!

When we are all frozen to death and ready to leave, I gave Alex a big high-five to which his father snapped,"It was about &$%#@&*^ time you *&^%$#### scaredy cat" It was then that I turned and asked his father if he still teaches the learn to ride a motorcycle course, He puffed out his chest and said yes, to which I replied, "well, thanks for the warning because I'll make sure if I ever need to learn I won't be asking you". Then I got in the car and broke down in tears and we drove away. AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry to vent!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOVEY63 5/5/2011 11:05AM

    It so nice that you and John have taken Alex under your wings - he sure needs people like you in his life. You are angels for doing so.
Love the new profile pic - it's adorable!

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JLITT62 5/4/2011 6:42PM

    Boy, you're just having bad luck with the neighbors lately. Good for you for standing up to the dad -that took courage!

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BLESSED2BEME 5/4/2011 6:15PM

    You don't have to give birth to a child or raise a child to be a parent. You have all the qualities of a good parent from what I see here. How awful for Alex to be raised that way. The emotional scarring will follow him into adulthood and be repeated.

I'm so glad he has you and your husband in his life. You are making a difference!

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    Oh. My. Gosh! And you say you've never been a PARENT!?!? You are an EXCELLENT PARENT! You know what? Growing up, I didn't have a parent like that (my Dad left when I was 7), but one of my brothers (now deceased) tormented me mercilessly, and well, it's a long story. I grew up at the neighbors, and I still adore them as the family I wished I'd had back then!

SOME parents should NOT have children... that young man's parents should be taken out and... well, I had to go back and delete the rest of this sentence! YOU, on the other hand, may have given this sweet young man the confidence and example he so badly needs! It's not SPERM that makes parents become parents! It's LOVE and NURTURING and YOU have BOTH of those!

I just love you! I wish you weren't way up there on that island so that I could come give you a great big HUG! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/4/2011 3:52:22 PM

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CHANGING_LIFE 5/4/2011 3:08PM

    This brought tears to my eyes.

Not only have you been such a wonderful parent figure or support to us here on Spark, but you are also helping out this boy. What a wonderful idea to give him about recycling! In the state that I live, only cans can be recycled for money but I have been to other states where bottles are recycled. This is such a great to not only teach him about the environment, but to also teach him about working for things he wants or needs. He will hopefully take this lesson to when he has his own family, and successfully support them and teach them the same lesson.

Unfortunately, many people in this world do not have the support at the home level. I have been blessed with many people in my life such as my Uncle Barry (who is not my uncle) that have been encouraging to me when my parents have not been. It is horrible that his parents treat him this way, but I am so, so grateful that he has you and your husband to depend on.

This is also what we sometimes do to ourselves. . .and I know at times you can really be down on yourself. Next time, try to think of how awful it was to see his parents talking to him this way and try not to talk to yourself that way! I know, it's not just you--we all do it!

Again thanks so much for writing this!

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CALGARYNEWF 5/4/2011 2:42PM

    Well done, it's a good thing this young boy has you and John in his life..Imagine how negative things must be otherwise!!!!So Sad!

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_LINDA 5/4/2011 2:27PM

    OMG that is one horrible father (I hope the poor kid is staying with the mother) :((
Good for you for standing in and creating a barrier between Alex and his loudmouth father. Especially love it that you told him off in a polite way about his ability to give lessons ;)) I think I would have used stronger words in this whole incident.
You are a bright light in this boy's life. I hope he has learned from you and will pay your kindness forward and not turn into a mean mouthed SOB like his father..
Well done in your handling of this whole affair! You can be very proud!!
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BECCAJ98 5/4/2011 1:16PM

    That is so awesome that you two have become great role models and influence on the child. Too bad his dad isn't!! Hope and pray that his parents don't have a permanent negative outcome for him! (And ps.....if I had been in your shoes, I would've slapped him!)

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NINJA_SMOO 5/4/2011 12:51PM

  Wow, that's horrible! Poor kid :(

But it's so cool that he's found a way to raise money for things he wants. Thumbs up for all the recycling and getting his bike :)

Question: does he have ALL the proper gear? I got one of those kid-sized dirt bikes when I was 14 and figured I was good because I was wearing a helmet - But I have a large scar (and 40+ stitches!) that beg to differ.

He'll have so much fun with the bike! :)

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TEMPEST272002 5/4/2011 12:26PM

    You guys have such warm hearts. It's people like you that helped me through my own difficult childhood. You did right & you have had a HUGE impact on this little boy's life. With your interest & kindness you show him that there is another way to be - and since he's doing so well with his goals, it looks like he's paying more attention to what you & John are teaching him.

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KAMAPERRY 5/4/2011 12:12PM

    I agree, parents REALLY need to not be so careless with what they say.

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MESEATURTLE 5/4/2011 12:01PM

    U did right!
I think it's great what u & your husband did with this kid! I think he is super glad that he has met u!!!!!
God bless you'll !!!

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LESLIES537 5/4/2011 11:55AM

    THATTA GIRL! I'm sure you had a million things you wanted to say to those poor souls. What you said was PERFECT though! Good for you, and good for you and hubby to provide such a positive role model in his life. God knows he needs it! Bless your hearts!

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KANSASROSE67 5/4/2011 11:51AM

    Oh...I so understand how you feel. I often wonder what these kind of parents are like in private if they're willing to act like that in front of other people. Why can't they see how easy it is to crush the spirit of this young person they've been lucky enough to have to raise?

You and your husband did so great to help and encourage Alex. He so needs postive adult role models, and you two sound like you've been wonderful. Keep up the good work! You might make all the difference in his life.

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I'm scared and I don't scare easily

Monday, May 02, 2011


You will all be happy (well, I think you will be happy) that I've had a good couple of days since my last blog. I walked the dogs twice today across the river for a total of 5km and tonight I set out to stroll around the neighbourhood with them on their leashes. We live in this subdivision that only has three streets and I like to walk the three of them which is about 2 km. For some reason tonight, I opted out of the the middle street and was on the upper end of my own street when I saw a young fellow standing on the sidewalk. It was then I heard the screaming and yelling coming from the driveway. There were two young men and and a woman in her 40-50's and she was trying to keep the two apart. One was armed with a stick or something similiar and was threatening to kill the other one. One wasn't wearing a shirt and was doing all the threatening and swearing. He saw me and uttered some things I'm not going to write here and I asked the woman if she was okay. It was then that the shirtless one told me to move on or he would kill me. One of our neighbours was driving down the road so I stopped him (I was more afraid for my dogs than I was for my own safety) and the shirtless wonder said he would kill my neighbour too. Anwyay, I was furious so I walked on and when I rounded the corner I decided to call the police. It was then that I saw two of the young fellows take off on foot and the woman was screaming to the (you guessed it) the shirtless one) that he was in no condition to drive but he screamed that he was going to kill the other two. I was dialing the phone when he saw me as he screeched out of the driveway in a car and threatened to kill me again.

By this point my husband had walked up the street (I had called him because I had actually forgotten the number to the RCMP) and he knew I was upset. When we got home the police called me to say they were there on the scene and would let me know what was going on. Well, at that point I was shaking (I mean these are neighbourhood kids) and my husband was madder than I've ever seen him. He loaded me up in the truck and John went looking for the young fellows father....who we had just spoken to at the election booth (oh yeah, our federal election is being held today). John had worked with the father and told him he might want to go home as there was a disturbance and the police had been called to his house. The father was shocked but glad John had told him.

Anyway, it was about that time that the police called me again to say it was two brothers who were involved and that the mother was okay (I was worried about her safety). I don't know why I'm so shaken but I am. This is a quiet neighbourhood and I've never been threatened before. Maybe it was the shock of it all but I'm quite anxious and I don't like feeling this way. Hopefully the feelings will pass and the two young men will get some anger management courses. I feel so bad for their parents but I don't regret calling the police. Do you think I did the right thing?

Talk to you all later!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGING_LIFE 5/3/2011 10:54PM

    The right thing is not always to do, but of course you did do the right thing in this situation! There was a problem and your safety was threatened. You NEEDED to call the police, and I am so grateful that you did!

I am sorry that this happened in your neighborhood. I'll be praying that everything turns out alright.

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KANSASROSE67 5/3/2011 4:53PM

    You totally did the right thing. They need help, and hopefully they will get it. Glad you're ok!

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LESLIES537 5/3/2011 3:25PM

    You absolutely did the right thing! I'm sorry that happened to you! Let me at 'em'!! I'll teach them not to talk to my Susan that way!! emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 5/3/2011 12:58PM

    You totally did the right thing! Thank God you are ok!

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PAMNANGEL 5/3/2011 12:23PM

    Scary, but you were absolutely right to call the police. emoticon

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JEPPINER1 5/3/2011 12:13PM

    you are absolutely right. Your life was threatened and others as well. I hope you are doing better.

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IFDEEVARUNS2 5/3/2011 12:12PM

    Absolutely. You were being a good neighbour.

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    you totally did do the right thing. Lord knows what would've happened if you had not placed that call. To many people turn a blind eye to domestic violence because they don't want to get involved because they think it is a personal issue but kudos to you for stopping up and making a stand for that lady.

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JLITT62 5/3/2011 12:08PM

    Absolutely you did the right thing; are you kidding? So glad you're ok. Anyone would be scared!

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BOVEY63 5/3/2011 12:06PM

    What a terrible ordeal to have been involved in. So glad that you are okay.
I absolutely think you did the right thing in calling the police. I would have done the same.

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CALGARYNEWF 5/3/2011 11:50AM

    Thank goodness you actually witnessed it and called the police. Who knows what could have happened!So many people would've looked the other way! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 5/2/2011 11:09PM

    Absolutely you did the right thing. I'm glad that no one was hurt, but I can totally understand why you would be shaken. I'm glad you're ok.

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S3XYDIVASMOM 5/2/2011 9:49PM

    I would think matters had been building up for a while before the blowup. The situation was not being controlled by the persons involved; it was time for some outside intervention. You absolutely did the right thing.

You appeared to be writing this pretty immediately after the incident. The adrenalin had to be pumping. I'm guessing that even now you have found a calmer place in your spirit.

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CHAR1970 5/2/2011 8:54PM

    You definitely did the right thing. Someone had to intervene or the threats would become reality. I'm glad you had the courage to do something and not just walk away, and that no one got hurt.

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SUSANMOMOF6 5/2/2011 8:06PM

    So glad you are safe. Too many people close their doors and do nothing- you definitely made the right "call"!


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    Yes you did!

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ELISOS 5/2/2011 7:00PM


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    Of course you did the right thing! That mother did not need to be subjected to that, and neither did anyone else! You have to err on the side of safety, and your main interest was to keep people (including yourself) safe!

You'll calm down, I think. The adrenalin may still be coursing through your veins, and it's actually a very helpful thing when you need to think and act fast. I'm so glad that you are safe and sound!

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BECCAJ98 5/2/2011 6:34PM

    You absolutely did the right thing! Glad you, the dogs, and everyone else is ok!

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Welcome to my rollercoaster....called this is Susan's Life

Saturday, April 30, 2011


Well, this is day two of feeling a wee bit back to normal but as I've expressed before, I'm not sure how long this feeling good will last.

After my last blog I had such an outpouring of raw, honest support that I couldn't help but feel good! You guys are the best and not one of you suggested I could "snap out of it". Believe me, I've had that said to me before. I felt a lot of pressure ease of me once I wrote that blog and had the deep conversation with my husband.

I know I am going to have bad days but I'm going to embrace those as they make me appreciate the good days all the more.

Well, actually that whole sentence is a huge pile of crap( how is that for being blatantly honest!) that I just wrote because one thing about my depression is that once it hits I can't remember what it is like to feel good. Hence the blogs as they provide physical proof for me that this does come and go.

For years I always said that the worse thing about depression is that is always comes back but if I twist that around, I should realize that it always leaves too. That is another instance of wishful thinking. Yes, it really is true but good luck getting me to see that reasoning when I'm caught in the death grip. Yet another reason I love writing my blogs, reading the comments and re-reading them again and again!

Got outside twice yesterday for my normal walk with Maddy and Louisa and twice more today. About 8 km in total. Didn't do the best nutritionally but this journey for me is going to have to be all about baby steps. I cannot do the all or nothing approach the way my mental health has been lately.

Well, I 'm going to read some more of my book now, The King's Speech, which I started and re-started several times. It is good but I fall asleep whenever I start to read these days. zzzzzzzzzzz

Talk to you all later! I am honoured that I received such support from both old and new SparkFriends alike. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and say "I just helped a stranger out today"

xo Susan emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVE_IS_LOUDER 5/3/2011 11:38AM

    It is hard to remember what good feels like on the bad days, but on the good days, all you can think about is how terrible the bad days feel. It's backwards, and I know just what you mean. Remember that we're here for you, doll.
emoticon emoticon

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S3XYDIVASMOM 5/2/2011 9:54PM

    I fall asleep whenever I sit down to read, too. It's a pattern that really annoys me. I thought it was part of getting old, but you can't use that as an excuse. Ah! For the days when I could read a book straight through.

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BOVEY63 4/30/2011 10:48PM

    Happy to hear that you're feeling a bit better. Praying that you get better and better every day.

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MILLISMA 4/30/2011 9:51PM

    When you're feeling down, just blog and we'll be here for you. Sending prayers and lots of hugs your way.

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TEMPEST272002 4/30/2011 9:43PM

    I'm glad you're continuing to improve. I know precisely what you mean when you talk about not remembering what it feels like to feel good when you're in the grips of depression. I feel relieved that you're having happy moments again - it's a good sign that you're getting better. As I walking in the sunshine today with Dog & 2 other canine friends, I thought of you and wondered if you were out enjoying find weather with your doggies too.

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_LINDA 4/30/2011 4:34PM

    I will always be here for you, for the highs and lows, we all have them, no one is immune. Here is hoping you will see some light at the end of the tunnel sooner than later..
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 4/30/2011 4:00PM

    You are my dear friend always!

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GAYLE-G-63 4/30/2011 2:36PM


I have to agree with many; you are not a stranger. Although we've never met in person, you are still someone I genuinely care about.

Be well. I'll keep you in my thoughts.


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LESLIES537 4/30/2011 2:20PM

    Awe, you are so sweet. I just knew that blog would get a lot of attention b/c of the title and because of how awesome the spark people are, here. This community is the most caring and supportive of any that I've ever known. They saw that title and bless their hearts, came a running on over to support you. I could just feel the love! You really are blessed!

Good job on getting out walking your babies...twice!!! What has gotten into you?! lol I love it! emoticon

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    That is right, Susan! You're not a stranger! You're my FRIEND! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHANGING_LIFE 4/30/2011 2:04PM

    Miss Susan,
You aren't a stranger! You are a friend and a great one at that!
May God bless you in your journey! Take care of yourself!

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What would I accomplish by ending my life....deep thoughts ahead!

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Had a long and somewhat tearful chat with my husband today and I come to a long suspected conclusion. No, we are not divorcing or anything of the like but rather I think I am finally realizing that him and I are each other's family. With our dogs beside us we are a circle and if one of us gets out of sorts it really does have a profound effect on the others. DUH!

I've always had terrible self-esteem and believe it or not, I'm a lot better now than I ever was. When I was suicidal, I would always think that nobody would really notice or care if I was no longer around. I still think that way sometimes but I'm not suicidal which is a big step in the right direction.

Anyhow, we talked today about how this sense of doom and gloom comes over me and what we can do to ride it out. It always passes but when it pays a visit you have no idea of how long it is going to be the uninvited houseguest. So instead of fighting it and feeling quite defeated, I am going to ride it out each time it comes. And, I know it will come despite the best drug and talk therapy there is.

So, I'm giving myself permission not to feel bad about it anymore. If I feel like I have to sleep in, if I feel like sitting back with a nice cup of tea, if I feel like I cannot walk the dogs, I am not going to feel guilty. As long as I can keep getting through each day that will be one day closer I am to better days.

What would I accomplish by ending my life? Nothing! I would end a life that God has given me and I would cause great sorrow to those I leave behind. I would feel nothing. I would no longer feel the good nor the bad. I firmly believe that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. When I get choked up by the thoughts running through my mind I am going to do nothing. I am going to tell them to enjoy the arguments because I am going to tune them out. Plain and simple: if I ended my life today, I wouldn't have the sunshine of tomorrow to look forward to.

Keep me in your prayers but most importantly step back and appreciate your mental health even if it isn't where you want it to be. I CAN get through this and WILL get through this. I might not eat right today or exercise as much as I want to but I'm on this side of the sod and I am appreciative of that simple fact. I might have to curl up every now and then not to get mowed down by my emotions but I'm going to bloom again.

Thanks for reading!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEPPINER1 5/1/2011 11:24AM

    I can relate. Glad you are going to try and stop feeling guilty. Good luck and keep us posted.

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DAWNFIRE72 4/29/2011 9:39PM

    Wow. What a thought provoking blog. It is one that sadly I relate to all too well. I am finding that just doing like you say and riding out the storm of negative feelings is the only way to do it.

I hope that the sunshine of tomorrow shines on you today.

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JUNEBUGG02 4/29/2011 4:27PM

  When I read this title, I felt so alarmed, but after reading the entire post, I think you are doing quite well! I realize that you don't FEEL well, but you have a handle on this depression. I've been told that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. As you said, the feelings pass eventually. I'm so glad you shared this blog - people who deal with depression are so very brave!

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LESLIES537 4/29/2011 2:30PM

    I'm so glad you're giving yourself permission to not feel bad about things---good for you! You will not be defeated so no sense in feeling that way! That's the right attitude!

You are always in my prayers, sweet friend. Bloom away! emoticon emoticon

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BOVEY63 4/29/2011 1:41PM

    You are in my prayers and I am so glad you have given yourself permission to not feel bad when you need to do what is best for you.
It is so nice that you have your dear hubby there to walk the paths of life with you.
Take care my friend!

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CHANGING_LIFE 4/29/2011 11:53AM

    You have been an amazing Spark Friend to me! I look forward to your comments on my blog. I'm so glad you have been able to open up on here to all of us.
When I was a senior in high school, I went through a lot of depression. I wanted to join the Navy; my parents wanted me to go to college. I could not take anti depressants if I wanted to join the Navy, so I did everything possible to NOT take them. That was the first time in my life I really became devoted to a "healthy lifestyle." Anytime I was upset, I went for a walk. Walking was the only thing I could do.
We are here for you; come lean on us.
Thank you for being such a wonderful friend! I would miss you terribly!

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MEGSMILEY 4/29/2011 11:36AM

    Ah honey. Glad to hear you are feeling a little better. I have been there and- you are right- the way back is incremental. You will gradually feel better. When I get low- I force my brain to take control over my heart and I do all the things I know are good for me- even if I don't feel like it.
But I agree that the very first step is to not beat yourself up for feeling down. Depressed people feed themselves a lot of negative crap. Just try to realize that you are wonderful and that you wouldn't judge a friend so harshly for struggling- so you shouldn't jusge your own self harshly for it either.
Anyway- best of luck. I am thinking of you. :)

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CINDYHOUGHTON 4/29/2011 10:52AM

    Wow I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. It sounds like you have made some great strides towards learning to live with it. You also have a very understanding hubby for which I am sure you are more than grateful. May you continue to find peace in the turmoil, joy in the little things and thankfulness at every turn. May God give you wisdom and understanding and a spirit of revelation. Thank you for sharing and yes I do thank God for not having to suffer as you have.

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DONNACFIT 4/29/2011 10:22AM

    Hi..hugs to you..your title caught my eye since I'm going through a very low time myself..helping my daughter deal with a break up that has left her depressed and sucidal but she was reaching out to me for help then attacking me...left me in a bad place..since I didn't set any boundaries..she's not talking to me and lives far away so I'm dealing with my own depression and need to find my peace again..going to therapy, etc.

So glad you've found your peace..I'm so proud of you!! emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 4/29/2011 10:00AM

    You are strong and wise. Accepting this aspect of your life and waiting for the sunny days to come back is a good step, I believe. Prayers and hugs.

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JLITT62 4/29/2011 5:35AM

    This is a brave post & I hope it will help other people. Of course you are in my prayers!

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ALYKAATT 4/29/2011 1:57AM

I don't think it was an accident that I happened upon your blog tonight. I usually don't read many of the blogs but tonight I was missing my Daddy, he passed away Dec 4th and was my very best friend, so I thought I would read some. I have had clinical depression as far back as I can remember which is 1st grade. My family is very close and loving but they never understood why all my life I thought of suicide, I never attempted it because I love them WAY too much. I think it is the cruelest thing you can do to anyone that loves you, it's like telling them "Thanks for loving me but I hate you" Anyway, finally after many years of hearing why are you depressed, you have everything, which I did, money, a happy childhood, loving parents, friends, beautiful children and now 2 beautiful grandchildren, I finally found a Dr that got my mix of medication right. He explained to my family that my depression isn't situational or seasonal. It is a chemical imbalance and is an illness just as any other. I will have to take medicine to treat it the rest of my life because I was born with it. Like you, he told me when I do have the (thankfully now) mild bouts of depression to do just as you have said you will do now, just go with it to a point. As long as I don't go for days staying in bed or not eating, shutting myself off from family and friends, it's ok to just feel sad! That doesn't mean you are going into a depression again. Everytime I got sad I was worried I was falling into a depression which would stress me more. So please know you are doing the right thing, take your meds, talk it out with your spouse, friends, Dr or family. And just feel the feelings and trust yourself to know if it's normal or if it is something you need to talk to the Dr about. Unless you are having severe highs and lows, it really doesn't sound like you are bipolar. Alot of clinically depressed people think about suicide because the sadness is so overwhelming. I'll be praying for you and just know there is always more help if you don't feel like your Dr is doing enough. : )

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LOVE_IS_LOUDER 4/29/2011 12:30AM

    I identify with this blog SO much. You have no idea, I go through the exact same things. My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years and it affects him so much when I go through those "spells" too. He always asks me what he can do, and I always tell him, "nothing, just wait it out." I feel bad because I know he feels helpless, but then again,so do I.
I tried to kill myself half a lifetime ago, and I'm so glad I didn't. I know now that it would affect a lot of people if I suddenly wasn't here anymore, and I don't want to die, but those thoughts still run through my head from time to time. It's the most selfish thing a person can do, but I think how EASY would it be to not have to deal with life anymore?
Then again, I'd have to miss out on all the wonderful things in life too. The birth of my niece and nephew last year had a profound impact on me... the only thing I could think was, "I would have missed this." I don't know what your story is, but please know that you are not alone. And if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me.

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LINDAGRAVEL 4/28/2011 11:26PM

    You are in my prayers,Thinking of you my friend.

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TEMPEST272002 4/28/2011 10:59PM

    I'm glad you guys were able to talk and that you are feeling more at peace today. Sending warm thoughts to you today... did you guys get that fabulous warm wind today? It really lifted my spirits.
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    Linda's right. You won't be judged here. You are very much loved. emoticon emoticon

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MILLISMA 4/28/2011 9:10PM

    Keeping you in my prayers. Very proud of you for saying what you are feeling. My dad has gone through some terrible depression so I can sort of understand. Life is precious.and so are you. We are here for you and sending lots of hugs.


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MAXIE56 4/28/2011 8:37PM

    We are all here for you

emoticon emoticon

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VAMANOS 4/28/2011 8:34PM

    Your title caught my eye due to a friend's activity feed, and because I just had an email exchange with a friend who is fighting against thoughts of suicide. His seems to be situational, and I've asked my friends to join in prayer for him, but as I read your post, it appears to me that you may have a chronic situation that could be eased with medication. Forgive me, I know nothing about you, but the symptoms you describe look very much like bipolar disorder. This can be addressed! Please don't just attempt to ride it out if you haven't seen a doctor about it. It's a physical problem and they know how to ease the symptoms.

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_LINDA 4/28/2011 8:12PM

    My thoughts are with you. Feel free to use this site as a venting/let it all out release and be free. No judgements passed here only hugs and friendships. We all have our bumps in the road and will get on track eventually when we are ready. You will too, when the storm passes..
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VELVETCATT 4/28/2011 7:51PM

    You are in my prayers - God bless you, and stay strong; as you said in your post, just know that this, too, shall pass.

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/28/2011 7:42PM

    And your bloom is so beautiful and appreciated when it does return. I've followed you long enough to have seen that you do, indeed, have your ups and downs. I appreciate that even when you're in the dumps, you know that this, too, in time, will pass. I am looking forward to your sunshine, but I can handle your rain.
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KAMAPERRY 4/28/2011 7:39PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon You do have my prayers, I do know what that feels like.

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CATHM26 4/28/2011 7:22PM

    Thinking about you

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