Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Had a really good and productive day yesterday which was made that much easier because the sun was out in all of its glory. Wasn't real warm but enough to get laundry on the line and a few windows open to air out the house.
I only walked the dogs once all the same and that was around 8:00 a.m. so I feel kind of bad about that. They were out in the back garden with me but most of that was spent lying down or looking at me with "okay, what do you want us to do now" expressions.
I took 2 garbage bags of freshly washed/dried clothes to goodwill which made me feel good on many levels. Some of it still fit but was simply wrong from the start, some of it was too big (YEAH) and others I collected from other people. I cannot stand when people throw good things in the garbage that others might need and/or want!
The highlight of our day was after supper when our 12 year old friend called and said he finally got his dirtbike! We were thrilled and of course had to go along to see him take his first ride. Let me back track here for a minute. We met this little boy about 3 years ago as his mom taught dog obedience. We were instantly smitten with him (not so much with his parents but that is another story) and sort of took him under our wings. He wanted an iPod, so John suggested that his family start recycling (a foreign concept apparently) and we recruited a few neighbours. John spent hours in the woods looking for bottles and by last June, there was enough money raised. He asked John and I to take him shopping for it which we did.
So, his next goal was a dirtbike which we all laughed at (he did too) because we figured raising $1000 would take him straight into high school! But, they did it! They raised $800 from collecting bottles and cans and the other $200 he had from his birthday money. Of course as soon as he got it home he called us to thank us.
Okay, so last night we all (his parents who are divorcing) and John and I. His parents know a thing or two about bikes so they started telling him what to do. Unfortunately they swore on him several times for not catching on, called him a sissy for being nervous, etc, etc. I was almost in tears and John had to walk away on the pretence that he was looking for more bottles/cans for gas money!
Like I said, I'm not a parent but don't they see how humiliating their words are? Alex is a wonderful boy (I know he is not an angel but he is a nice, mannerly boy) and he was reduced to tears by his parents in front of us. He asked them several times to stop pressuring him before his father said, "get the *^%@$ off the bike and I'll show you....see if it gets into that pea-size brain of yours this time."
I felt horrible so I pretended that I was interested in learning how to start the bike too so we could learn together. Everything his parents yelled at him, I carefully repeated and asked questions and Alex explained it back to me. Before we knew it, he had it started and was off across the field. John was at the other end taking pictures and jumping up and down like a cheerleader!
When we are all frozen to death and ready to leave, I gave Alex a big high-five to which his father snapped,"It was about &$%#@&*^ time you *&^%$#### scaredy cat" It was then that I turned and asked his father if he still teaches the learn to ride a motorcycle course, He puffed out his chest and said yes, to which I replied, "well, thanks for the warning because I'll make sure if I ever need to learn I won't be asking you". Then I got in the car and broke down in tears and we drove away. AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
Sorry to vent!!!!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Well, this is day two of feeling a wee bit back to normal but as I've expressed before, I'm not sure how long this feeling good will last.
After my last blog I had such an outpouring of raw, honest support that I couldn't help but feel good! You guys are the best and not one of you suggested I could "snap out of it". Believe me, I've had that said to me before. I felt a lot of pressure ease of me once I wrote that blog and had the deep conversation with my husband.
I know I am going to have bad days but I'm going to embrace those as they make me appreciate the good days all the more.
Well, actually that whole sentence is a huge pile of crap( how is that for being blatantly honest!) that I just wrote because one thing about my depression is that once it hits I can't remember what it is like to feel good. Hence the blogs as they provide physical proof for me that this does come and go.
For years I always said that the worse thing about depression is that is always comes back but if I twist that around, I should realize that it always leaves too. That is another instance of wishful thinking. Yes, it really is true but good luck getting me to see that reasoning when I'm caught in the death grip. Yet another reason I love writing my blogs, reading the comments and re-reading them again and again!
Got outside twice yesterday for my normal walk with Maddy and Louisa and twice more today. About 8 km in total. Didn't do the best nutritionally but this journey for me is going to have to be all about baby steps. I cannot do the all or nothing approach the way my mental health has been lately.
Well, I 'm going to read some more of my book now, The King's Speech, which I started and re-started several times. It is good but I fall asleep whenever I start to read these days. zzzzzzzzzzz
Talk to you all later! I am honoured that I received such support from both old and new SparkFriends alike. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and say "I just helped a stranger out today"
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Had a long and somewhat tearful chat with my husband today and I come to a long suspected conclusion. No, we are not divorcing or anything of the like but rather I think I am finally realizing that him and I are each other's family. With our dogs beside us we are a circle and if one of us gets out of sorts it really does have a profound effect on the others. DUH!
I've always had terrible self-esteem and believe it or not, I'm a lot better now than I ever was. When I was suicidal, I would always think that nobody would really notice or care if I was no longer around. I still think that way sometimes but I'm not suicidal which is a big step in the right direction.
Anyhow, we talked today about how this sense of doom and gloom comes over me and what we can do to ride it out. It always passes but when it pays a visit you have no idea of how long it is going to be the uninvited houseguest. So instead of fighting it and feeling quite defeated, I am going to ride it out each time it comes. And, I know it will come despite the best drug and talk therapy there is.
So, I'm giving myself permission not to feel bad about it anymore. If I feel like I have to sleep in, if I feel like sitting back with a nice cup of tea, if I feel like I cannot walk the dogs, I am not going to feel guilty. As long as I can keep getting through each day that will be one day closer I am to better days.
What would I accomplish by ending my life? Nothing! I would end a life that God has given me and I would cause great sorrow to those I leave behind. I would feel nothing. I would no longer feel the good nor the bad. I firmly believe that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. When I get choked up by the thoughts running through my mind I am going to do nothing. I am going to tell them to enjoy the arguments because I am going to tune them out. Plain and simple: if I ended my life today, I wouldn't have the sunshine of tomorrow to look forward to.
Keep me in your prayers but most importantly step back and appreciate your mental health even if it isn't where you want it to be. I CAN get through this and WILL get through this. I might not eat right today or exercise as much as I want to but I'm on this side of the sod and I am appreciative of that simple fact. I might have to curl up every now and then not to get mowed down by my emotions but I'm going to bloom again.
Thanks for reading!
Get An Email Alert Each Time PCOH051610 Posts