Thursday, April 28, 2011
Had a long and somewhat tearful chat with my husband today and I come to a long suspected conclusion. No, we are not divorcing or anything of the like but rather I think I am finally realizing that him and I are each other's family. With our dogs beside us we are a circle and if one of us gets out of sorts it really does have a profound effect on the others. DUH!
I've always had terrible self-esteem and believe it or not, I'm a lot better now than I ever was. When I was suicidal, I would always think that nobody would really notice or care if I was no longer around. I still think that way sometimes but I'm not suicidal which is a big step in the right direction.
Anyhow, we talked today about how this sense of doom and gloom comes over me and what we can do to ride it out. It always passes but when it pays a visit you have no idea of how long it is going to be the uninvited houseguest. So instead of fighting it and feeling quite defeated, I am going to ride it out each time it comes. And, I know it will come despite the best drug and talk therapy there is.
So, I'm giving myself permission not to feel bad about it anymore. If I feel like I have to sleep in, if I feel like sitting back with a nice cup of tea, if I feel like I cannot walk the dogs, I am not going to feel guilty. As long as I can keep getting through each day that will be one day closer I am to better days.
What would I accomplish by ending my life? Nothing! I would end a life that God has given me and I would cause great sorrow to those I leave behind. I would feel nothing. I would no longer feel the good nor the bad. I firmly believe that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. When I get choked up by the thoughts running through my mind I am going to do nothing. I am going to tell them to enjoy the arguments because I am going to tune them out. Plain and simple: if I ended my life today, I wouldn't have the sunshine of tomorrow to look forward to.
Keep me in your prayers but most importantly step back and appreciate your mental health even if it isn't where you want it to be. I CAN get through this and WILL get through this. I might not eat right today or exercise as much as I want to but I'm on this side of the sod and I am appreciative of that simple fact. I might have to curl up every now and then not to get mowed down by my emotions but I'm going to bloom again.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
For some reason my Spark flame has been getting dimmer and dimmer over the past few months. Like an unattended fire, my Spark has been reduced to smoldering embers at times before roaring to life when my SparkFriends have gathered around and kept the tiny flame alight with careful tending. Even when I wanted to throw buckets of ice cold water over the embers there have been friends scurrying around with sticks of kindling, breaths of air, and lots of minding.
So, I'm not sure where I am now or whether it is fair to expect my friends to do all the work. I just don't have any motivation right now and am trying to figure out why. Is it because I'm so far off my goals that I've already admitted defeat? It is because I truly believe I can't do this despite everybody's encouragement?
I know how to eat correctly but I can't do it on a regular basis. I get spurts of it when I feel great but when I feel "blah" I either don't eat or eat the wrong stuff. I know I feel better when I walk the dogs but when I don't want to do it, I just don't.
I've been trying to get into to see my psychiatrist to have a gut-wrenching talk about all of this. I know my current medications cannot be increased (it has been done before with horrible results) and I wonder if I need totally new ones. This is like very mild manic-depression and I wish I could feel "level" most of the time rather than the rare moment here and there. I dread the thoughts of experimenting with new medications as over the years I've often felt like a guinea pig. Everybody is different and it takes a lot of trial and error to get the right balance for each person.
I'm also laid off for the summer (this happens every year from May to late August) and as fun as it sounds, I've discovered I need a reason to get up and get out in the mornings. Otherwise, I fall into habits of sitting here all morning watching mindless tv, checking Spark or wasting time on Facebook.
So, I need to come up with a plan! Nobody is to blame for this or how I feel. I have to take responsibility and try to find solutions that work for me. I am going to call my doctor yet again for an appointment and I'm going to get outdoors this morning even for a short period of time to enjoy the sun. That is a step in the right direction, right?
In closing, thank you all for being there for me and for being my flame-tender when I've lost all interest in Sparking. Keep at it! I have to start being more active on here and to start encouraging all of you as you have been doing to me!
Friday, April 22, 2011
First of all, I would like to wish all of my Christian friends, a very Happy Easter. I always find it a bit weird when it falls this late in April but this year it is even worse as we have had more snow! Yes, you read that right! For the past two mornings we have woken up to snow-covered ground. Yikes.
Anyway, despite it being incredibly damp and windy (I think the windchill was actually -8 celsius) I did manage to get out for my walk with the dogs and my husband. I wasn't going to go but then he mentioned that two huskies were reported lost in the area where we walk so I had to go to do my part in the search. Luckily they wandered back into town last night by themselves and were kept at the SPCA until the worried owners showed up. Funny thing is, there is only one way back to town and that is because a major river runs along the side they were lost on. So they had to be smart enough to figure out there was only one bridge that crosses over (the river was much to high and powerful to swim) that would lead them back. So, I have two lost dogs to thank for getting me out this morning.
My husband I went eyeglass shopping yesterday! Talk about trials and tribulations! I am such a old fuddy-duddy that I really don't want anything too stylish as it is simply not me. Well, apparently everything I picked out was too "old-fashioned" for the staff so I ended up taking three pairs home until Monday. Since they have a two-for-one deal, I'm sticking with my guns and going with the practical pair but have decided to branch out and get a slightly more funkier pair as a spare. I am not, however, going with the ones suggested as I'm uncomfortable going around with some silly designer's name on my temples. I was quite overwhelmed at the eyeglass store but am proud that I didn't cave to pressure. Oh, hubby had his picked out in two seconds flat! Figures! Ha!
I've got an interesting weekend ahead of me (for a change!) and will be going out to celebrate my birthday with my two dear friends from our humane society. It is apparently their treat and I'm looking forward to sitting back and laughing. Tomorrow evening, I am going to the wedding reception for a former student from our college. It is to be my very first Muslim ceremony and I'm looking forward to seeing how things are done. This will be their civil wedding and then they have to wait 6 months to get married in a proper Muslim ceremony in the country of her father's birthplace. It is an arranged marriage but she always knew that is what would occur and she is quite happy. I'm just thrilled to be included as their were only five people from the college invited and I'm only one of two going.
Well, I must go and try to read some more blogs. I seem to be really slow in catching up but I'm going to try to do so.
Get An Email Alert Each Time PCOH051610 Posts