PCOH051610   51,476
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Walking in the snow.....in April!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Hi,

First of all, I would like to wish all of my Christian friends, a very Happy Easter. I always find it a bit weird when it falls this late in April but this year it is even worse as we have had more snow! Yes, you read that right! For the past two mornings we have woken up to snow-covered ground. Yikes.

Anyway, despite it being incredibly damp and windy (I think the windchill was actually -8 celsius) I did manage to get out for my walk with the dogs and my husband. I wasn't going to go but then he mentioned that two huskies were reported lost in the area where we walk so I had to go to do my part in the search. Luckily they wandered back into town last night by themselves and were kept at the SPCA until the worried owners showed up. Funny thing is, there is only one way back to town and that is because a major river runs along the side they were lost on. So they had to be smart enough to figure out there was only one bridge that crosses over (the river was much to high and powerful to swim) that would lead them back. So, I have two lost dogs to thank for getting me out this morning.

My husband I went eyeglass shopping yesterday! Talk about trials and tribulations! I am such a old fuddy-duddy that I really don't want anything too stylish as it is simply not me. Well, apparently everything I picked out was too "old-fashioned" for the staff so I ended up taking three pairs home until Monday. Since they have a two-for-one deal, I'm sticking with my guns and going with the practical pair but have decided to branch out and get a slightly more funkier pair as a spare. I am not, however, going with the ones suggested as I'm uncomfortable going around with some silly designer's name on my temples. I was quite overwhelmed at the eyeglass store but am proud that I didn't cave to pressure. Oh, hubby had his picked out in two seconds flat! Figures! Ha!

I've got an interesting weekend ahead of me (for a change!) and will be going out to celebrate my birthday with my two dear friends from our humane society. It is apparently their treat and I'm looking forward to sitting back and laughing. Tomorrow evening, I am going to the wedding reception for a former student from our college. It is to be my very first Muslim ceremony and I'm looking forward to seeing how things are done. This will be their civil wedding and then they have to wait 6 months to get married in a proper Muslim ceremony in the country of her father's birthplace. It is an arranged marriage but she always knew that is what would occur and she is quite happy. I'm just thrilled to be included as their were only five people from the college invited and I'm only one of two going.

Well, I must go and try to read some more blogs. I seem to be really slow in catching up but I'm going to try to do so.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUNEBUGG02 4/27/2011 9:56AM

  Snow! Wow. It has been unusually warm here in northern VA. Wish I could send a little of the warmth your way. I know what you mean about glasses. I finally had to get prescription glasses last year, and the store staff kept bringing me very expensive designer frames. I told them, that I only needed them for reading, and I did not want to spend a great deal for them, and only then did they bring out their generic, not-so-stylish frames, which I chose. How wonderful to be chosen to attend the wedding and how interesting to be a part of that. I hope you had a lovely birthday!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/24/2011 11:16PM

    We've had snow this last week as wel, and I'm WAY south of you. Will Spring never make its appearance?

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_LINDA 4/22/2011 10:50PM

    Well done getting out in your snow for some exercise and to look for lost dogs!! Usually, its me in my little province that would be whining about snow, but can't complain, we are getting double digit temperatures, and may even get 18 on Monday!!!
You are just like me when it comes to eye glasses. I just HATE the style they have now, those little square frames :( They didn't have one pair that wasn't in that style. I have progressive lenses and don't want to be squinting through a tiny piece of glass to get the right vision :( So I had them increase the glass length. These square things do not suit my oval face, so for my next pair, I will be shopping around first instead of accepting that there is no other style.
I once got to enjoy a traditional Chinese wedding! It was fabulous! There were seven courses to the meal, and the bridge would change her dress after each course. It was special! I was grateful to be invited to enjoy that! I hope you enjoy yours!
Have a great weekend!!
Hugs,
Linda

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MILLISMA 4/22/2011 9:06PM

    It's really time for the snow to do!

Hope you have a Happy Birthday with your friends.

The Muslim ceremony should be very interesting. I always enjoy learning about different religions and customs.

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LESLIES537 4/22/2011 5:39PM

    Enjoy your birthday celebration with your friends!!!!!!

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JLITT62 4/22/2011 4:54PM

    I've never bento a Muslim ceremony, either - should be interesting. Have a great time at your birthday treat!

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TEMPEST272002 4/22/2011 2:33PM

    Sorry to hear you also have snow, but I'm glad you got out in it. I've been taking Dog too & today we took another canine friend along. Hilarious to watch the tussle over the same stick in a forest filled with them.

How about pics of your face with each of the 3 glasses & we can vote for our favourite 2? Or do you already know which ones you'd like?

The wedding should be really interesting. Can't wait to hear what you thought.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 4/22/2011 1:51PM

    Wow, I want to know how the wedding reception goes! Give a full report! emoticonI have to get new glasses, too! I love my old ones--don't WANT new ones, but they are wearing out! I guess I'll have to get around to getting them, though!

Have a Happy Easter, too! Lori emoticon

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SADIESUE09 4/22/2011 1:32PM

    It's hard to believe it is supposed to be spring. I am from Alberta and we had close to 16 inches last week. Luckily we've had no more and what we had is just about gone. spring has got to come soon.

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JEPPINER1 4/22/2011 1:23PM

    Snow in April???????/ You poor dear. lol Have a great Easter.

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BECCAJ98 4/22/2011 1:20PM

    Sounds like you have a lot of fun planned!! Hopefully the snow wont last much longer! We had some end of last week and now just cold rain! Ready for spring to stay!

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KAMAPERRY 4/22/2011 1:19PM

    Hard to believe you still have snow! Wow! Happy Easter! emoticon

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ERIKO1908 4/22/2011 1:09PM

    I believe it is time for the snow to BE GONE!! Happy to hear you got out on your walk & that the dogs made it back! Have a very Blessed Easter!

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Declaring today my "getting in touch" day

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hi!

I'm officially declaring today my day for getting in touch with all of you, my SparkFriends! I haven't been the best SparkFriend to any of you lately and I've been thinking about you all and wondering what has been going on in your lives. I'm wondering who has been progressing steadily along their journeys and who has been dilly-dallying along the way (much like I have been!!!!). Actually, I think I have to re-trace several miles but I'm going to make sure I enjoy the sights along the way this time.

There is no sense progressing along this path without noticing and learning about the things on the sidelines. I want to stop and appreciate my "fans" who are cheering me on, I want to appreciate how much better my body feels with each healthy choice I make, and I want to stop focusing so much on the finish line that everything else is a big, unfulfilled blur.

I've been out for my stroll this morning with the "beasts" and really feel good to have that over and done with before my day really starts. Now, I'm going to do some laundry before I curl up with the laptop and start reading all of your latest blogs. Look forward to catching up with all of you!

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Susan

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VICKILYN4 4/21/2011 11:54PM

    Glad you got out for your walk so early. You seems happy today and for that I am grateful. You have a wonderful day and a fabulous weekend. Happy Easter Susan.

emoticon Vicki

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KAMAPERRY 4/20/2011 12:45PM

    I understand busy!!! emoticon

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LESLIES537 4/20/2011 12:39PM

    Good for you on getting out there with the beasts and already getting a nice walk in!! What a great start to your day!
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C-ya around!! emoticon

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BOVEY63 4/20/2011 12:37PM

    Have an awesome day!
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KAZINMICH 4/20/2011 12:07PM

    Life gets busy! Glad you are doing well and enjoying walks with the "beasts" lol. :) :) happy Wednesday!

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BECCAJ98 4/20/2011 11:52AM

    Being a Sparkfriend isn't always just about responding to everyone. Just being a pretty face is enough! Hope you have a fabulous day!!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/20/2011 11:26AM

    I look forward to hearing from you, both in your blogs and in the comments.

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GAYLE-G-63 4/20/2011 10:55AM

    emoticon

Susan,

It's so good to see you posting again!

Huggz,
~Gayle~

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 4/20/2011 10:27AM

    Hey, LIFE happens and Sparking is just PART of life! I hope you have a wonderful day! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_LINDA 4/20/2011 10:00AM

    Great start to your day! Enjoy Sparking!

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JLITT62 4/20/2011 9:10AM

    Raining too much here to get the dogs out for a walk yet . . . supposed to rain pretty much all day, too.

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TEMPEST272002 4/20/2011 8:30AM

    I, for one, look forward to hearing from you! Good job getting out with the doggies early. I woke up to more snow this morning. I'm reminded of that Canadian joke where the guy starts out loving the snow & is cursing a blue streak by the end of winter. Sigh.

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Forty-five years from now

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hi!

I've been absent for several days due to taking my Mom on a road trip to our capital city (yes, Ange, I was going to look you up but things got really hectic). Mom and I had a wonderful time together and despite our differences over the years have realized that we are more alike than either of us would like to acknowledge! We share a complete love of laughter and spent half of our trip wiping tears from our faces.

The hotel where we stayed had a Sci-fi convention going on which is a total foreign concept to my mother. We went to breakfast and were asked if we were there for the breakfast with Darth Vader to which my quiet mom pipes up, "sorry but we aren't dressed for the occasion but we could swing back to our hotel room and grab our winter hats and shower curtain for a quick costume!"

Then there were all these older men dressed in their housecoats and carrying wooden staffs.......I'm not sure why or what significance it was....but mom leans over to me and whispers....."crazy fools.....next thing you know they will be having Viagra conventions".

I'm feeling a lot better this week and the break did me the world of good. Spent more money than I should have (don't we all!) but not on clothes. I got so discouraged trying on clothes and not liking the Pillsbury Doughboy look. Even the plus-sizes were a failure....I seem to be between sizes which I suppose is a step in the right direction. Ended up with one t-shirt and two pairs of pj pants.

Oh, to get to the title of my blog......today I turned 45 years old! I`m not where I was hoping to be weight-wise, but I have come a long way with my physical fitness in the last year. I know I`m on the right path and Spark is so embedded in my soul that I will never, ever, be able to kick the life lessons it has taught me out of my self-consciousness. Talk about a great birthday gift and one I gave myself! Makes me wonder what will happen over the next 45 years.....

Are any of you familiar with the now-deceased Canadian singer-songwriter Stan Rogers (something is gone crazy with my keyboard and when I type in a question mark this is what I get ) Anyway, he did a great song called ``Forty-five years from now`that is OUR song. Try to google it....it sums us up and is kinda apt for today.

My darling husband gave me a nice pair of gold hoops, some perfume and a Tilley hat. I don`t know if many out there are familiar with Tilley hats (I personally call them the Silly Hats) but they are practical and this one is a nice taupe shade to keep the harsh sun off of my freckled face! I wore on on my trip to Australia (years ago now) and found it great but this time I went for a more modern look. Anyway, I`m not wearing it for looks....thank goodness! I will post a picture when I get brave!

Will get back on to bandwagon tomorrow because I know this program works for me!

Thank you all for being such an important part of my life!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REDWEASEL61 4/20/2011 2:13PM

    happy belated birthday!!! Sounds like you had a good day. Glad to hear you had a good trip with your mom.....I'm spending more time with my mom lately but she's not up to much traveling.....we too have a bit more in common than either one of us care to admit!!!.....but it's ok....we can laugh about it!

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FATSOO51 4/20/2011 7:02AM

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! So great that you had a lovely day with your Mom!!

spark-on
Nancy

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KAZINMICH 4/19/2011 9:41PM

    Happy 45th!!!!! Your mom sounds like a hoot!!! :) :) :) Love the quotes from her! Made me grin!

I believe I saw Stan Rogers in Vermont 10 years or so ago. I can't remember which year it was, but I saw a couple folk singers that year that were hilarious!

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DRGOMTI 4/19/2011 8:33PM

    WooHoo!! Happy 45th!! Hope your day was extra special!! the hat sounds divine!! : )) can't wait to see it!! n I hear you about the Pillsbury doughboy look! I hate trying on clothes! RRRR!!! Altho, I'm being realistic n know that I'm never gonna have a bikini body! For cry I - I !! I never did have one! But I do want to be comfortable, without rolls hanging on my back n sides, n the main thing is, to get my cholesterol down!! I'm chippin away at it one little lb at a time!!
I'm soooooooooo happy that you're feeling better!! Thanx for the great blog!!
emoticondr

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CALGARYNEWF 4/19/2011 7:21PM

    Happy Birthday!!!! Glad you had a great trip with your Mom, she sounds like a lot of fun!!!I'm a little jealous because living in Calgary, I unfortunately don't have the luxury (mostly time, I guess) of taking a road trip to St. John's. Sure wish I could!!!!
Here's hoping you have the best birthday EVER!!!!!Hugs!

Peggy


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WALKZWDOGZ 4/19/2011 7:15PM

    Your mother sounds like a kick! I'm so glad you had a fun trip together. Has she seen Galaxy Quest? That might make her feel better about the Sci-Fi convention. My guess is wizard/Gandalf wanna-bes for the old guys in bathrobes carrying staffs. emoticon

Have a wonderul birthday!
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CHRISTINA791 4/19/2011 5:40PM

    Happy birthday! I got a giggle out of the sci fi convention because I've hung out with friends at similar events and gotten looks from the other side (even without being in costume).

(PS... your keyboard went French. You should be able to set it back to US English from Canadian English. Mine does that all the time)

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_LINDA 4/19/2011 4:06PM

    Happy, Happy Birthday!!! Glad you had some great times with your Mom!! I envy you being in hotel having a sci fi convention, how cool that would, breakfast with old Darth!!
I have a Tilly vest and pants, but no hat from them. My Vest Of Many Pockets goes everywhere with me, its what I use to carry things as I never have, and never will carry a purse..I have a special hat though, that has a removable flap -great protection, and I can cover my nose with it in a dust storm!
Never heard of this singer..
You have come a long way in your program, with 45 more good years to come!!
Hugs,
Linda

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THEWINNER33 4/19/2011 2:14PM

    Sounds like a great trip. Happy Birthday!!!!!

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KAMAPERRY 4/19/2011 2:04PM

    Awesome and Happy Birthday!! emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 4/19/2011 1:24PM

    Happy Birthday and I'm so glad you had a nice trip...sounds like a riot!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/19/2011 10:56AM

    I've thought from time-to-time that I'd like to go to a Star Trek convention. I think I would have enjoyed being in te hotel at the same time as that gathering. Anyway, your mood seems to be much improved. I'm glad to see you back. It's nice that you reflected on your next 45 years on your birthday. It's quite possible. On my birthday, I talked about my next 60 years. Probably not.

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TEMPEST272002 4/19/2011 10:55AM

    Happy Birthday!!!!!

I hadn't heard of the song, but I love the lyrics. Really beautiful & poetic. Your mum sounds like she's hilarious... but that you ended up surrounded by sci-fi conventioners is hysterical.

I hope you have a wonderful day today. In my mind, I imagine you & hubby walking hand in hand watching the dogs play like crazy fools. Isn't being with those we love the best way to celebrate?

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LESLIES537 4/19/2011 9:42AM

    Thank YOU for being a part of MY life!!! Happy, happy, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Go on and spoil yourself, YOU deserve it!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BOUNCYTIGGER76 4/19/2011 9:35AM

    emoticon Hoppy Birfday!!! emoticon
(I say it this way to remind people if you can say it like a drunk person you know it was a good one!) (oh and by drunk I mean on love, life or spirits your choice LOL) I need to invest in a big hat, I'm getting more and more freckly. And they were probably imitating jedi...YAY STAR WARS!! (sorry I'm a geek) Anyway have a very good birthday!

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JEPPINER1 4/19/2011 9:32AM

    Sounds like a wonderful trip! Happy Birthday, Girlfriend!

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JLITT62 4/19/2011 9:12AM

    Don't know Stan Rogers but am familiar with Tilley hats - I'm a big hat person.

Happy Birthday!

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My plan for recovery

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Hi,

Thank you to all who left such wonderful and caring comments on my last blog. It means alot to me to have this forum in which to pour out my heart and soul and to have such supportive responses. Some of you wondered if your comments were too harsh but that is the reality I face when I dare to express what is going on in my head. I know you are all right and would never take offence to anything you say because I know it is said in a caring way.

I do have so much to live for and yet, when the beast is upon me, I fail to see how blessed my life really is. Thank you all for reminding me of that!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VICKILYN4 4/19/2011 9:04PM

    We are here to help and shed some sun on you when you need it. You are true blessing to all the people you touch. If you need ANYTHING just let me know. Take Care!

emoticon vicki



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BOVEY63 4/15/2011 6:22PM

    We're here to help tame the beast when it appears. Take care my friend!
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Love the new profile pic - too cute!

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_LINDA 4/15/2011 1:05AM

    Letting out your thoughts and feelings is a good thing. We can't know or understand what is going on with you unless you tell us. Never worry about getting around to your friend's activities and blogs, they will understand. They have told me that in spades. True friends will stick by you. I will be here for you. May be slow, but sure..
Hugs,
Linda

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ERIKO1908 4/14/2011 10:23PM

    You've put it out there and asked for support!! That's one of the best things we can do for ourselves. The love pours out constantly and we really all can use that. I will continue praying for you my dear, wonderful, beautiful friend!!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/14/2011 10:14PM

    I think your will to be better is stronger than the beast.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 4/14/2011 8:18PM

    emoticonlove you, my friend! emoticon

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HOPEFULANGE 4/14/2011 5:44PM

    Hi Susan! Sorry I didn't comment on your other blog...i've been on a spark hiatus. Mainly because I'm feeling overwhelmed with how much time it takes me to read and comment on everyone's posts. Surprised to get back on and the first blog I read is yours talking about how you're overwhelmed about the same thing! Now, I am not battling depression, so I can't even imagine what you're going through...but I am feeling guilty that I've abandoned my spark friends for the past week.

I hope things are better for you today, and look forward to the nice summer when you'll have lots of time to dedicate to yourself. I'll be in touch, but maybe not as often because I'm going to start putting myself a little higher up on the list of priorities! emoticon

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KAYDE53 4/14/2011 4:51PM

    You can do it, dear friend!! Glad things are a little better!! My thoughts & prayers are with you!! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 4/14/2011 1:02PM

    I just saw & commented on your other blog. I'm sorry I missed it at the time. I'm glad you feel our support. Now go take those doggies for a little walk.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 4/14/2011 12:37PM

    Wonderful, know you are loved here.

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LESLIES537 4/14/2011 12:14PM

    God bless you, my friend! I'm glad you are able to recognize the beast before he completely takes over. Kick his a$$ girl! You've got a wonderful support system here! YOU are a blessing to each and every one of us! LOVE YOU! emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 4/14/2011 11:28AM

    Glad to hear from you again. Keeping you in thought and prayer. I love the sunny yellow daisies on your page!

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DRGOMTI 4/14/2011 11:16AM

    I'll be a prayin for you Susan!! I know how hard these gull darn lows can be! : ( Hopefully lotsa prayers n your SP friends can grab your hand n pull you up outa the doledrums!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
emoticondr

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BECCAJ98 4/14/2011 10:27AM

    I wish you a fabulous day! I look forward to reading more updates! emoticon

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JEPPINER1 4/14/2011 10:26AM

    You are welcome....and see you lost a pound! Good for you. emoticon

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What is going on with me?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Well, it seems I owe a lot of you an apology since yesterday I slashed my SparkFriend list in just about half. I was getting totally overwhelmed because I was feeling guilty that I couldn't keep up with all of you. I like to keep in close touch with my SparkFriends so I know what is going on in their lives. Maybe then I feel less guilty about spilling my private life on a blog.

Several of you (and I knew which ones would reach out) have noticed that I haven't blogged in about 5 days. That's not long, I realize, but it has been long for me. Do you want to know the reason? I've succumbed to one of the worse episodes of depression that I've had since I was hospitalized several years ago. Back then I was entertaining suicidal thoughts and I admitted myself to the hospital as a preventative measure.

I'm mad, I'm confused, I'm tired and I wanted to basically throw in the towel. About two months ago, I became very anxious which abated a week after it started. Then last month it came on again and I ended up taking a month off of work. While I was lying in bed yesterday sobbing my heart out, I think I came up with a pattern and maybe a cause. Could it be perimenopause? Maybe, I'm grasping at straws but I've never been one to have wild mood swings. I'm pretty easy going and most people never know that I could be the poster woman for Depression.

Am I also sad that I will be turning 45 in a week? Am I sad that I haven't been losing weight as I think I should be? Am I anxious that our finances are getting tight? Am I afraid my husband will have to leave home after June to find work? Am I worried about falling back into old patterns when I'm laid off (until September) in 10 days? The answer to all of these questions is yes. But it still doesn't explain how bad I've been feeling for one week per month for the past three months!

Oh, as to turning 45, it really isn't a big deal. Age is yet another number of which we have no control. I think I had envisioned turing 45 being 30 pounds lighter and feeling great about it but if I'm lucky I will only have 15 pounds gone and even that is doubtful.

Over the weekend, we left to drive across the river where we walk. The dogs barked so much on the way over that my nerves were gone. I decided to stay in the car and let them walk with John. But, the little buggers got out and sat by the car and wouldn't leave "mommy". I did manage to walk them yesterday and the day before but my heart wasn't in it and all I wanted was to be left alone. I even gathered a blanket and went outside and sat in the fresh air to see if that would make me feel better.

The thing is, I can't talk about any of this in "the moment". If any of you have ever suffered any degree of mental illness, I hope you can relate to what I am about to say. When I get like this, my thoughts all become quite jumbled and there is like a thick mesh of gossamer blocking my words from spilling out through my mouth even though they are racing through my head. I feel if I open my mouth, nothing will come out only a deep keening wail.

Yesterday was especially bad, people are work stopped me and asked if all was okay because I looked "empty" and I just went about my motions and couldn't speak to anybody. I know my eyes get empty and dull (the eyes are, afterall, the mirrors to the soul) and I would be quite content to be left totally alone. But then the thoughts get me. Can I go through this again? Would the world be better off without me? Why do people like me; because they don't really know me? My dogs would love anybody so I'm nothing special? My husband wouldn't be saddled with me and my moods and would be a free man? My mother wouldn't worry about me? My brother lives so far away, I'm sure I'm not much to him.

When I say I'm moody, I rarely ever get angry but I do get really contemplative and sometimes what I'm contemplating is pretty dark. When I'm feeling good I really can't relate to any of this. I'm writing this on the cusp of hopefully coming out of this latest mood disturbance so I can read back through it. I'm writing this just as much for me as I am for you. I've got to remember that life is good, and that this too will pass.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_LINDA 4/15/2011 1:00AM

    Oh Susan, so very sorry I missed this blog when it came out :(( Its just so sad to hear you suffering like that. Please be sure and seek help to figure out why this comes so regular like this. Your friends have great suggestions. Leave no stone unturned getting medical help. You never know what they find and be able to treat..
Big hugs,
Linda


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TEMPEST272002 4/14/2011 12:49PM

    I'm sorry I missed this when you first posted it. I am sending you a great big hug. I wish I could come out and take care of you for a few days. Wrap you with blankets & bring you hot tea & tell you that this too will pass if you just hold on.

I have been where you are & I know how difficult it is just to hold onto yourself when you are in that place. Your mind is racing with thoughts that tell you you're not worthy or good enough. Your spouse is better of without you (ridiculous!), the pain is without end (not true), this life is barely worth the effort (complete lie). You can't imagine ever feeling any better. The darkness just enfolds you and is so dam thick & heavy that it's difficult to breathe.

The most important thing here is to keep holding on and reaching out for help. Even though it's the hardest thing to do.

We love you because we DO know you. You reveal your innermost self to us here - and we love that self. You don't need to be perfect or competent or even happy for us to love you. Your vulnerability is beautiful. You are beautiful. Just exactly as you are. Depression and all.

I know you're under doctor/psychologist care and that you are doing what you can to care for yourself. I want you to put away the scale, just for now, and really focus on taking care of your body as best you can. Depression is telling you that you're not worthy of that self-care - but it's a f*cking liar & you know it. Dogs, OTOH, are truth tellers. Listen to them instead.

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GAYLE-G-63 4/14/2011 12:28PM

    My dearest Susan,

I am so, so sorry I missed this when you originally posted it on Tuesday.

My heart truly goes out to you. I too suffer from depression and understand how devastating it can be. You have a lot going on right now. Unfortunately I don't have a magical solution. But I can assure you that you've made a positive step by identifying the issues that may or may not be the cause(s).

I hope you'll always remember your friends here care for you immensely. And remember you are not alone!!!

With the greatest affection,
~Gayle~

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VICKILYN4 4/13/2011 6:06PM

    Oh sweetie..I'm so so so sorry you have to deal with this. I may not know you personally as far as face to face goes but, I know you from here and you are an AMAZING WOMEN!!! I love you dearly as do many many many people on this site. DO NOT even think about ending anything. First of all, your husband does love you very much and would be lost without you..I pretty sure. Your dogs would never go to the bathroom again.(refer to you blog..they waited by the car for mommy). I don't know about your relationship with your mother or brother but I can bet they would miss you terribly. As would I!! You bring sunshine and flowers with your blogs. You bring humor and compassion to your blogs. I agree with the others..make another appointment with the doctor and like one lady said..get checked for bipolar disorder. We love you Susan!!! And I would also hunt you down if you removed me as a friend. Chin up and keep pressing on. I will say a prayer for you my friend.

emoticon emoticon Vicki

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JLITT62 4/13/2011 5:48AM

    I wish I could come there & give you a hug. You know the very first thing that popped into my mind was that it sounds hormonally driven. Having never experienced what you're going thru, all I can tell you is that the world would definitely be less bright without you in it.

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ERIKO1908 4/12/2011 11:42PM

    First off I will tell you that I love you & that I am praying for you. I commend you for "getting it all down on paper" while it is all still fresh. You are correct in the fact that going back over what you see going on will be a helpful tool. I know the feeling of no words coming out - though you described it as I never could - that was the point I got to at the end of my marriage...if I'd wanted to save it I couldn't have because no words would physically come out of my mouth. Terrifying!! I'm on board with the others here...time for a trip to the doctor...you are probably on the right path thinking body changes are playing a big part in it. I must also add that Leslie stole all my answers!!! I read all the comments on your blog & her answers to your questions were the exact ones I rattled off in my head as I read your blog. So go read her posted comment again, but close your left eye & imagine my picture there instead...she was spot on!! You are loved!! You are NEVER alone!! It is okay to get some more help!! I'll keep praying for you!!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/12/2011 9:37PM

    I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a bad time. You could be starting menopause; if so you can look forward to life being on a more even keel. At least that has been my experience.

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SPUDRUNNER 4/12/2011 6:55PM

    I have suffered from depression for years and a lot of times when depression is hard to treat it can be a sign of biopolar disorder (especially with mood swings). It just requires different medication. Yes, you can go through this again and you will make it. Things do get better. Husbands are resilient and can put up with a lot so don't worry about him. Your dogs definitely need you, they won't just love "anybody". Speaking from experience I think you should seek help from a professional and maybe see if they could put you on a mood stabilizer. I know it really helped me. I really hope it helps. Good Luck. You will be in my thoughts

Comment edited on: 4/12/2011 7:03:11 PM

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BOVEY63 4/12/2011 1:20PM

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this depression. I have suffered some bouts but nothing as severe as what you have, and are, going through now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Try to remember that you are a special person and the world is better because you are in it. A true sign of this is your animals - they know a good soul. I'm pretty sure your husband and mom would agree too.
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What day is your birthday? I will be 48 on the 16th.
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KANSASROSE67 4/12/2011 1:12PM

    Everyone else has said it, but I'll say it too. You are special, and unique, and God has placed you on this earth for a purpose. The hopelessness is the worst, but you've gotten through this before and you WILL do so again. Hang in there!

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KAYDE53 4/12/2011 12:26PM

    Yes, I agree with all the rest; it may be time for a dr. visit to adjust meds etc. Depression is such a devastating disease, isn't it?? Are you getting any exercise in, especially outdoors? Sometimes, that helps me so much just to get out & breathe fresh air with my dogs!! I'm praying for you, dear one, hang in there!! emoticon

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DRGOMTI 4/12/2011 12:25PM

    : ( I'm sure I'm one that got slashed cz I'm not good at checking in. : ( My heart goes out to you BIG TIME!! I went thru menopause when I was early 40s. I stopped having my period in the late 30's, I think because of antidepressants. so I think that's why I went thru menopause so early. but then again, my mom went thru it when she was only 38 n she didn't have antidepressants back then. so, you certainly could be going thru menopause, n it can be scary! Keep in close touch with your doctors and like Kaz. said, finding the right combination of antidepressants was crucial for me. May God be with you my spark friend!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAZINMICH 4/12/2011 12:07PM

    I can relate to you so well. My daughter is also having a depression right now as well. sometimes all we can do is make ourselves get through the day to day things until it gets better. Maybe it's time to find some meds? To be honest, I HATE feeling I have to take meds, but for some reason they work. When you find the right combination of medication and reasoning things get easier. Of course, there are always the times when we will get down and people won't understand. I know for me I remind myself of how Happy I was just the other (day/month/year) or how I got through this before, and I won't let it get that bad, instead I'll try to remember how to get out of it again. It's so difficult, and I really really feel for you. I don't know if I was deleted or not, it really doesn't matter to me. LOL. I have you as a friend, and I hope to be a good friend to you. I completely understand not being able to comment back, keep up with people, so don't worry about me at all! I just want you to know that I understand that jumbling, lost, empty feeling all too well, and I've finally gotten through it and haven't had it in a very long time - but I passed it onto my daughter and now I have to be strong for her and help her learn how to work through it. The strangest medicine is what helped me the most - nortryptaline - a very small dose, and zoloft - also a very small dose. It takes the darkness away without me losing who I am in it. I still feel, cry, laugh, but the lows are not as low, and they are doable. So it's possible, keep trying to figure out what works for you, you will find a way even when it feels impossible. You are a fighter, take your time and do what's best for you.

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KAMAPERRY 4/12/2011 11:28AM

    I agree, time for the doctor. Trust me, I have been where you are. Don't try to conquer this alone. In the meantime, KNOW you are not alone, it may seem like you are in the dark by yourself, but you are not. emoticon

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LESLIES537 4/12/2011 10:43AM

    Let;s answer those questions..."Can I go through this again?" Of course you can, because YOU are strong and YOU are a survivor!! "Would the world be better off without me?" Hell to the NO! The world is a better place BECAUSE OF YOU! "Why do people like me; because they don't really know me?" We know enough to see that you're a good person, a caring wife, and an amazing friend! You're funny, you're witty, you're inspiring....the list could go on and on! "My dogs would love anybody so I'm nothing special?" No silly, they love YOU! They wouldn't give two sh$ts if they saw me! "My husband wouldn't be saddled with me and my moods and would be a free man?" He would be a lost man! You are his soul mate and he would not be complete without you! He would slip into a deep depression much like yours. Do you want that for him? "My mother wouldn't worry about me?" Your mother would probably die of a broken heart. "My brother lives so far away, I'm sure I'm not much to him." I'm sure he would tell you a different story too!

Life IS good and worrying accomplishes nothing besides more worry! I'm sooo so so sorry you have to suffer like this. Please take care and like MommaLittle said, don't you dare remove me from your friend list or I will hunt you down!! I love you! I'm sorry if this was harsh, but I care too much about you to not say anything at all!


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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 4/12/2011 9:22AM

    I just hate it that you get so low and depressed like this! No, it just doesn't seem like you (to me) because you are always so funny and full of light-heartedness in so many of your blogs. Depression is so painful, and I am relieved that mine isn't so severe. I do, however, know that it is very REAL, and that it isn't to be taken lightly. I hope you'll get whatever it is that you need that will alleviate your dark moods.

AND DON'T YOU DARE DELETE ME FROM YOUR FRIENDS LIST OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN EVEN IF YOU ARE ON AN ISLAND SOMEWHERE! emoticon

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JEPPINER1 4/12/2011 9:13AM

    I agree with Red. This calls for a doctor appointment. Maybe you need some different medications just to help you get through this. As you know I'm on 200mg Zoloft and it's helped me greatly. I'm just saying that there are all kinds of meds out there that can help. Also seeing a psychiatrist could help. Someone that is not bias that you can "verbally puke" on. I did. Don't be hard on yourself. We all love you and want you to get well. Take the first step and seek some help from a professional. emoticon

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REDSHOES2011 4/12/2011 8:26AM

    Perhaps time to sit down with your doctor and discuss menopause and depression.. I tried therapy and mastering skills to get past this..
xx
Red


Comment edited on: 4/12/2011 8:26:48 AM

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