Thursday, April 14, 2011
Thank you to all who left such wonderful and caring comments on my last blog. It means alot to me to have this forum in which to pour out my heart and soul and to have such supportive responses. Some of you wondered if your comments were too harsh but that is the reality I face when I dare to express what is going on in my head. I know you are all right and would never take offence to anything you say because I know it is said in a caring way.
I do have so much to live for and yet, when the beast is upon me, I fail to see how blessed my life really is. Thank you all for reminding me of that!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Well, it seems I owe a lot of you an apology since yesterday I slashed my SparkFriend list in just about half. I was getting totally overwhelmed because I was feeling guilty that I couldn't keep up with all of you. I like to keep in close touch with my SparkFriends so I know what is going on in their lives. Maybe then I feel less guilty about spilling my private life on a blog.
Several of you (and I knew which ones would reach out) have noticed that I haven't blogged in about 5 days. That's not long, I realize, but it has been long for me. Do you want to know the reason? I've succumbed to one of the worse episodes of depression that I've had since I was hospitalized several years ago. Back then I was entertaining suicidal thoughts and I admitted myself to the hospital as a preventative measure.
I'm mad, I'm confused, I'm tired and I wanted to basically throw in the towel. About two months ago, I became very anxious which abated a week after it started. Then last month it came on again and I ended up taking a month off of work. While I was lying in bed yesterday sobbing my heart out, I think I came up with a pattern and maybe a cause. Could it be perimenopause? Maybe, I'm grasping at straws but I've never been one to have wild mood swings. I'm pretty easy going and most people never know that I could be the poster woman for Depression.
Am I also sad that I will be turning 45 in a week? Am I sad that I haven't been losing weight as I think I should be? Am I anxious that our finances are getting tight? Am I afraid my husband will have to leave home after June to find work? Am I worried about falling back into old patterns when I'm laid off (until September) in 10 days? The answer to all of these questions is yes. But it still doesn't explain how bad I've been feeling for one week per month for the past three months!
Oh, as to turning 45, it really isn't a big deal. Age is yet another number of which we have no control. I think I had envisioned turing 45 being 30 pounds lighter and feeling great about it but if I'm lucky I will only have 15 pounds gone and even that is doubtful.
Over the weekend, we left to drive across the river where we walk. The dogs barked so much on the way over that my nerves were gone. I decided to stay in the car and let them walk with John. But, the little buggers got out and sat by the car and wouldn't leave "mommy". I did manage to walk them yesterday and the day before but my heart wasn't in it and all I wanted was to be left alone. I even gathered a blanket and went outside and sat in the fresh air to see if that would make me feel better.
The thing is, I can't talk about any of this in "the moment". If any of you have ever suffered any degree of mental illness, I hope you can relate to what I am about to say. When I get like this, my thoughts all become quite jumbled and there is like a thick mesh of gossamer blocking my words from spilling out through my mouth even though they are racing through my head. I feel if I open my mouth, nothing will come out only a deep keening wail.
Yesterday was especially bad, people are work stopped me and asked if all was okay because I looked "empty" and I just went about my motions and couldn't speak to anybody. I know my eyes get empty and dull (the eyes are, afterall, the mirrors to the soul) and I would be quite content to be left totally alone. But then the thoughts get me. Can I go through this again? Would the world be better off without me? Why do people like me; because they don't really know me? My dogs would love anybody so I'm nothing special? My husband wouldn't be saddled with me and my moods and would be a free man? My mother wouldn't worry about me? My brother lives so far away, I'm sure I'm not much to him.
When I say I'm moody, I rarely ever get angry but I do get really contemplative and sometimes what I'm contemplating is pretty dark. When I'm feeling good I really can't relate to any of this. I'm writing this on the cusp of hopefully coming out of this latest mood disturbance so I can read back through it. I'm writing this just as much for me as I am for you. I've got to remember that life is good, and that this too will pass.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Here is another fine example of my nonsensical attempt at poetry:
The sun is out, the grass is still white
I've got my dinner planned out for tonight!
Yes, it is a beautiful sunny day here and if you can overlook the minus temperatures and the ground still snow-covered, you might just think Spring has arrived. Now, don't go worrying because this is what Spring is like in NL!
Yesterday was a write off for me nutritionally but I did get out to walk the hounds and to do some business for Central Paws. I'm thinking I could be coming down with something because my energy is zapped an my throat is itchy. That would explain the lack of motivation over the past two days.
Today, however, I've already got a load of laundry done (which I will hang outdoors when I go home lunchtime) and I have chicken breasts thawing out for supper. Sounds like a BBQ kind of day (yes, we still BBQ in below zero temperatures) and a baked potato, steamed broccoli and steamed carrot kind of day. I think that is our very favourite meal!
What about your favourite meals? Are you willing to share? I panfried some cod earlier this week (my very first attempt) and we seem to have loads of cod in our freezer. It was done in olive oil and wasn't over the top with calories. We are also big fans of strawberry spinach salad. That being said, I think my very favourite meal on earth has to be a cup of tea (made over an open fire in the woods) and a peanut butter sandwich made on fresh whole wheat bread. Toss in a banana or a pear and I'm a happy camper! I guess I would never make it as a food connoiseur!
Do many of you drink tea? I don't drink much of it although Newfoundlanders are known for loving their cuppas! Especially with tin milk (Carnation) and a Purity jam-jam cookie!
Why am I writing about food this morning? I think it is because I am hungry although I did eat my normal breakfast. I've got my 8 cups of water in too but all that did was make me cold and rushing to the washroom. I'm starting to think I should just stand over the toilet and let the water flow through me!
Have a great day in your little corner of the world!
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Happy Tuesday evening one and all. It has actually been a miserable day here where I live unless of course you enjoy freezing rain making things very slippery and enjoy the sting on your face when it hits your cheeks. Other than that, though, it has been a good day. Didn't walk today though which I'm not beating myself over. Don't worry, the dogs were walked, just not by me!
Speaking of dogs, I posted my status yesterday and I received several requests for more information. I think my update was something like "did my first educational visit to Girl Guides for my humane society". As most of you know, I am a volunteer with our local humane society and it is through them that we have been blessed with both Maddy and Louisa. Both were given up twice before and are now just as much a part of our family as my husband and I are. Maddy (our Pomeranian) was given up both times because he was too much dog for elderly people. Louisa (our yellow Labrador) was taken from her original owners due to blatant neglect. She was then taken in by an elderly couple who unfortunately ended up having to move to a seniors home.
The humane society here is called Central Paws Humane Society. We are not affiliated with the SPCA although we do our best to help each other out. We were founded by several devoted animal lovers who realized that too many animals were being euthanized because there was no room left in shelters. We do not have a shelter and rely on foster families to take an animal in until a forever family is found. This is how we ended up with Louisa especially. Note to self...that was the first and last fostering for me as I become too involved too soon. We try to educate the public, especially young children, about what to consider before adopting or buying a pet. Too many animals in our society are considered disposable. A lot of our funds (okay we are basically broke and pay for much of this ourselves!) is used to spay and neuter animals so there won't be an over abundance of unwanted, neglected, and abandoned critters.
I always thought I was too soft to do some of this but I think we all have an inner strength for certain things. I've seen and heard some pretty disgusting things about how our innocent friends are being treated. Some are truly sick and we believe if we can reach out to the children and teach them right from wrong with regards to compassion, it will help all of us. Yes, sometimes things are awful and we have no choice but to euthanize but it is our very last straw.
There are about four of us who do the main work of Central Paws, including the much dreaded fundraising! My wish is to eventually win millions of dollars so a sanctuary can be established in our beautiful province to honour those pets that have gone before us and who showed us what true love is all about. The abused, the neglected, the abandoned all live among us and I just wish we could help them all.
Okay, so now that I'm sobbing (by now you all know how emotional I can be) I will think happy thoughts for the rest of the night. I think this calls for a major belly rubbing session with Maddy and Louisa as that always puts a smile on my face.
P.S. If you have an animal in your home please give it a hug from me and thank you for letting a pet share your life.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Well, it is a sleepy Sunday morning here in central Newfoundland, Canada. The snow we received yesterday is almost melted but we still have a ways to go before it is all gone! This is the norm for us although Friday it was so nice that I walked in a t-shirt (and yes, I did wear pants!) and I actually sat out in the sun for about 60 minutes enjoying my rocking chair. Now, that makes me sound either old or like Granny Clampett...or both!
Had two walks thus far today and it is only noon hour so maybe I can get another few kms in before sunset. Last week I broke my personal best of 25km as I waked a little over 26. This is from somebody who used to huff and puff just at the thoughts of going for a stroll. The only thing is (and it is not much to complain about) is that I sweat so much I have to strip off all of my clothes when I return home. My husband laughed at me until I showed him my t-shirt which was clearly damp with sweat. Is this normal? I know I am trying to walk as briskly as I can and I guess hauling around 210 pounds it is hard not to break out into a sweat. Anyway, just wondering if sweating like this is normal from just walking?
Okay, to get to my blog title. I seem to have given quite a few of you a good laugh with my April 1st blog in which I claimed I was leaving Spark. I'm shocked that people came out of the woodwork to read this and to leave comments. 55 of you left comments! Yes, fifty-five! Now, while I'm honoured that most of them thought they could change my mind into not quitting, I'm wondering what it would be like to have that kind of support all the time. Is that the reason people just drop off Spark without notice? Maybe today, we should all make an effort to thank our SparkFriends for encouraging us and to make an effort to touch base with each of them so that nobody feels like they are being left out.
I often go through my friends list and think, "well, I haven't heard from them in quite a while". Then I'm tempted to go in and just remove them but sometimes I stop and think maybe there is something going on and my little bit of encouragement could help them along.
On the other hand, we all probably have more SparkFriends than we can regularly keep in touch with. I sometimes go to their pages and see if they are still active and if they are, but they haven't stopped by my page in a long time (despite my efforts to keep in touch), I have no qualms about letting them go. It sometimes hurts a wee bit that we put in a lot of effort to stay in touch while they don't reciprocate but I try not to take it personally. Obviously, we didn't have a lot in common so I swallow my pride and let them go.
It is the SparkFriends that you know that aren't being active that trouble me the most. I want them to keep at it and to stick with it. They are the ones we should all be reaching out to....just like the 55 people (about half of which weren't my actual SparkFriends!) did for me when I played my April Fool's joke. Some food for thought.
Must go and bake some cherry pound cakes for my cousin. How I got roped into this I don't know but I promised her I would do it. I actually don't enjoy baking despite all of "tools" of the trade I was given from my mom. She loved to bake and fed everybody in our neighbourhood with homemade cookies, bread, cakes, etc. She always tried to make healthy stuff out of normal recipes and nobody ever knew the difference.
Take care all! And it is so encouraging to know I would be missed if I ever left Spark!
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