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PCOH051610's Recent Blog Entries

Declaring today my "getting in touch" day

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hi!

I'm officially declaring today my day for getting in touch with all of you, my SparkFriends! I haven't been the best SparkFriend to any of you lately and I've been thinking about you all and wondering what has been going on in your lives. I'm wondering who has been progressing steadily along their journeys and who has been dilly-dallying along the way (much like I have been!!!!). Actually, I think I have to re-trace several miles but I'm going to make sure I enjoy the sights along the way this time.

There is no sense progressing along this path without noticing and learning about the things on the sidelines. I want to stop and appreciate my "fans" who are cheering me on, I want to appreciate how much better my body feels with each healthy choice I make, and I want to stop focusing so much on the finish line that everything else is a big, unfulfilled blur.

I've been out for my stroll this morning with the "beasts" and really feel good to have that over and done with before my day really starts. Now, I'm going to do some laundry before I curl up with the laptop and start reading all of your latest blogs. Look forward to catching up with all of you!

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Susan

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VICKILYN4 4/21/2011 11:54PM

    Glad you got out for your walk so early. You seems happy today and for that I am grateful. You have a wonderful day and a fabulous weekend. Happy Easter Susan.

emoticon Vicki

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KAMAPERRY 4/20/2011 12:45PM

    I understand busy!!! emoticon

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LESLIES537 4/20/2011 12:39PM

    Good for you on getting out there with the beasts and already getting a nice walk in!! What a great start to your day!
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C-ya around!! emoticon

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BOVEY63 4/20/2011 12:37PM

    Have an awesome day!
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KAZINMICH 4/20/2011 12:07PM

    Life gets busy! Glad you are doing well and enjoying walks with the "beasts" lol. :) :) happy Wednesday!

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BECCAJ98 4/20/2011 11:52AM

    Being a Sparkfriend isn't always just about responding to everyone. Just being a pretty face is enough! Hope you have a fabulous day!!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/20/2011 11:26AM

    I look forward to hearing from you, both in your blogs and in the comments.

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GAYLE-G-63 4/20/2011 10:55AM

    emoticon

Susan,

It's so good to see you posting again!

Huggz,
~Gayle~

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 4/20/2011 10:27AM

    Hey, LIFE happens and Sparking is just PART of life! I hope you have a wonderful day! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_LINDA 4/20/2011 10:00AM

    Great start to your day! Enjoy Sparking!

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JLITT62 4/20/2011 9:10AM

    Raining too much here to get the dogs out for a walk yet . . . supposed to rain pretty much all day, too.

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TEMPEST272002 4/20/2011 8:30AM

    I, for one, look forward to hearing from you! Good job getting out with the doggies early. I woke up to more snow this morning. I'm reminded of that Canadian joke where the guy starts out loving the snow & is cursing a blue streak by the end of winter. Sigh.

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Forty-five years from now

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hi!

I've been absent for several days due to taking my Mom on a road trip to our capital city (yes, Ange, I was going to look you up but things got really hectic). Mom and I had a wonderful time together and despite our differences over the years have realized that we are more alike than either of us would like to acknowledge! We share a complete love of laughter and spent half of our trip wiping tears from our faces.

The hotel where we stayed had a Sci-fi convention going on which is a total foreign concept to my mother. We went to breakfast and were asked if we were there for the breakfast with Darth Vader to which my quiet mom pipes up, "sorry but we aren't dressed for the occasion but we could swing back to our hotel room and grab our winter hats and shower curtain for a quick costume!"

Then there were all these older men dressed in their housecoats and carrying wooden staffs.......I'm not sure why or what significance it was....but mom leans over to me and whispers....."crazy fools.....next thing you know they will be having Viagra conventions".

I'm feeling a lot better this week and the break did me the world of good. Spent more money than I should have (don't we all!) but not on clothes. I got so discouraged trying on clothes and not liking the Pillsbury Doughboy look. Even the plus-sizes were a failure....I seem to be between sizes which I suppose is a step in the right direction. Ended up with one t-shirt and two pairs of pj pants.

Oh, to get to the title of my blog......today I turned 45 years old! I`m not where I was hoping to be weight-wise, but I have come a long way with my physical fitness in the last year. I know I`m on the right path and Spark is so embedded in my soul that I will never, ever, be able to kick the life lessons it has taught me out of my self-consciousness. Talk about a great birthday gift and one I gave myself! Makes me wonder what will happen over the next 45 years.....

Are any of you familiar with the now-deceased Canadian singer-songwriter Stan Rogers (something is gone crazy with my keyboard and when I type in a question mark this is what I get ) Anyway, he did a great song called ``Forty-five years from now`that is OUR song. Try to google it....it sums us up and is kinda apt for today.

My darling husband gave me a nice pair of gold hoops, some perfume and a Tilley hat. I don`t know if many out there are familiar with Tilley hats (I personally call them the Silly Hats) but they are practical and this one is a nice taupe shade to keep the harsh sun off of my freckled face! I wore on on my trip to Australia (years ago now) and found it great but this time I went for a more modern look. Anyway, I`m not wearing it for looks....thank goodness! I will post a picture when I get brave!

Will get back on to bandwagon tomorrow because I know this program works for me!

Thank you all for being such an important part of my life!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REDWEASEL61 4/20/2011 2:13PM

    happy belated birthday!!! Sounds like you had a good day. Glad to hear you had a good trip with your mom.....I'm spending more time with my mom lately but she's not up to much traveling.....we too have a bit more in common than either one of us care to admit!!!.....but it's ok....we can laugh about it!

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FATSOO51 4/20/2011 7:02AM

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! So great that you had a lovely day with your Mom!!

spark-on
Nancy

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KAZINMICH 4/19/2011 9:41PM

    Happy 45th!!!!! Your mom sounds like a hoot!!! :) :) :) Love the quotes from her! Made me grin!

I believe I saw Stan Rogers in Vermont 10 years or so ago. I can't remember which year it was, but I saw a couple folk singers that year that were hilarious!

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DRGOMTI 4/19/2011 8:33PM

    WooHoo!! Happy 45th!! Hope your day was extra special!! the hat sounds divine!! : )) can't wait to see it!! n I hear you about the Pillsbury doughboy look! I hate trying on clothes! RRRR!!! Altho, I'm being realistic n know that I'm never gonna have a bikini body! For cry I - I !! I never did have one! But I do want to be comfortable, without rolls hanging on my back n sides, n the main thing is, to get my cholesterol down!! I'm chippin away at it one little lb at a time!!
I'm soooooooooo happy that you're feeling better!! Thanx for the great blog!!
emoticondr

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CALGARYNEWF 4/19/2011 7:21PM

    Happy Birthday!!!! Glad you had a great trip with your Mom, she sounds like a lot of fun!!!I'm a little jealous because living in Calgary, I unfortunately don't have the luxury (mostly time, I guess) of taking a road trip to St. John's. Sure wish I could!!!!
Here's hoping you have the best birthday EVER!!!!!Hugs!

Peggy


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WALKZWDOGZ 4/19/2011 7:15PM

    Your mother sounds like a kick! I'm so glad you had a fun trip together. Has she seen Galaxy Quest? That might make her feel better about the Sci-Fi convention. My guess is wizard/Gandalf wanna-bes for the old guys in bathrobes carrying staffs. emoticon

Have a wonderul birthday!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHRISTINA791 4/19/2011 5:40PM

    Happy birthday! I got a giggle out of the sci fi convention because I've hung out with friends at similar events and gotten looks from the other side (even without being in costume).

(PS... your keyboard went French. You should be able to set it back to US English from Canadian English. Mine does that all the time)

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_LINDA 4/19/2011 4:06PM

    Happy, Happy Birthday!!! Glad you had some great times with your Mom!! I envy you being in hotel having a sci fi convention, how cool that would, breakfast with old Darth!!
I have a Tilly vest and pants, but no hat from them. My Vest Of Many Pockets goes everywhere with me, its what I use to carry things as I never have, and never will carry a purse..I have a special hat though, that has a removable flap -great protection, and I can cover my nose with it in a dust storm!
Never heard of this singer..
You have come a long way in your program, with 45 more good years to come!!
Hugs,
Linda

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THEWINNER33 4/19/2011 2:14PM

    Sounds like a great trip. Happy Birthday!!!!!

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KAMAPERRY 4/19/2011 2:04PM

    Awesome and Happy Birthday!! emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 4/19/2011 1:24PM

    Happy Birthday and I'm so glad you had a nice trip...sounds like a riot!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/19/2011 10:56AM

    I've thought from time-to-time that I'd like to go to a Star Trek convention. I think I would have enjoyed being in te hotel at the same time as that gathering. Anyway, your mood seems to be much improved. I'm glad to see you back. It's nice that you reflected on your next 45 years on your birthday. It's quite possible. On my birthday, I talked about my next 60 years. Probably not.

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TEMPEST272002 4/19/2011 10:55AM

    Happy Birthday!!!!!

I hadn't heard of the song, but I love the lyrics. Really beautiful & poetic. Your mum sounds like she's hilarious... but that you ended up surrounded by sci-fi conventioners is hysterical.

I hope you have a wonderful day today. In my mind, I imagine you & hubby walking hand in hand watching the dogs play like crazy fools. Isn't being with those we love the best way to celebrate?

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LESLIES537 4/19/2011 9:42AM

    Thank YOU for being a part of MY life!!! Happy, happy, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Go on and spoil yourself, YOU deserve it!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BOUNCYTIGGER76 4/19/2011 9:35AM

    emoticon Hoppy Birfday!!! emoticon
(I say it this way to remind people if you can say it like a drunk person you know it was a good one!) (oh and by drunk I mean on love, life or spirits your choice LOL) I need to invest in a big hat, I'm getting more and more freckly. And they were probably imitating jedi...YAY STAR WARS!! (sorry I'm a geek) Anyway have a very good birthday!

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JEPPINER1 4/19/2011 9:32AM

    Sounds like a wonderful trip! Happy Birthday, Girlfriend!

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JLITT62 4/19/2011 9:12AM

    Don't know Stan Rogers but am familiar with Tilley hats - I'm a big hat person.

Happy Birthday!

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My plan for recovery

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Hi,

Thank you to all who left such wonderful and caring comments on my last blog. It means alot to me to have this forum in which to pour out my heart and soul and to have such supportive responses. Some of you wondered if your comments were too harsh but that is the reality I face when I dare to express what is going on in my head. I know you are all right and would never take offence to anything you say because I know it is said in a caring way.

I do have so much to live for and yet, when the beast is upon me, I fail to see how blessed my life really is. Thank you all for reminding me of that!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VICKILYN4 4/19/2011 9:04PM

    We are here to help and shed some sun on you when you need it. You are true blessing to all the people you touch. If you need ANYTHING just let me know. Take Care!

emoticon vicki



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BOVEY63 4/15/2011 6:22PM

    We're here to help tame the beast when it appears. Take care my friend!
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Love the new profile pic - too cute!

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_LINDA 4/15/2011 1:05AM

    Letting out your thoughts and feelings is a good thing. We can't know or understand what is going on with you unless you tell us. Never worry about getting around to your friend's activities and blogs, they will understand. They have told me that in spades. True friends will stick by you. I will be here for you. May be slow, but sure..
Hugs,
Linda

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ERIKO1908 4/14/2011 10:23PM

    You've put it out there and asked for support!! That's one of the best things we can do for ourselves. The love pours out constantly and we really all can use that. I will continue praying for you my dear, wonderful, beautiful friend!!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/14/2011 10:14PM

    I think your will to be better is stronger than the beast.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 4/14/2011 8:18PM

    emoticonlove you, my friend! emoticon

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HOPEFULANGE 4/14/2011 5:44PM

    Hi Susan! Sorry I didn't comment on your other blog...i've been on a spark hiatus. Mainly because I'm feeling overwhelmed with how much time it takes me to read and comment on everyone's posts. Surprised to get back on and the first blog I read is yours talking about how you're overwhelmed about the same thing! Now, I am not battling depression, so I can't even imagine what you're going through...but I am feeling guilty that I've abandoned my spark friends for the past week.

I hope things are better for you today, and look forward to the nice summer when you'll have lots of time to dedicate to yourself. I'll be in touch, but maybe not as often because I'm going to start putting myself a little higher up on the list of priorities! emoticon

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KAYDE53 4/14/2011 4:51PM

    You can do it, dear friend!! Glad things are a little better!! My thoughts & prayers are with you!! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 4/14/2011 1:02PM

    I just saw & commented on your other blog. I'm sorry I missed it at the time. I'm glad you feel our support. Now go take those doggies for a little walk.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 4/14/2011 12:37PM

    Wonderful, know you are loved here.

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LESLIES537 4/14/2011 12:14PM

    God bless you, my friend! I'm glad you are able to recognize the beast before he completely takes over. Kick his a$$ girl! You've got a wonderful support system here! YOU are a blessing to each and every one of us! LOVE YOU! emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 4/14/2011 11:28AM

    Glad to hear from you again. Keeping you in thought and prayer. I love the sunny yellow daisies on your page!

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DRGOMTI 4/14/2011 11:16AM

    I'll be a prayin for you Susan!! I know how hard these gull darn lows can be! : ( Hopefully lotsa prayers n your SP friends can grab your hand n pull you up outa the doledrums!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
emoticondr

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BECCAJ98 4/14/2011 10:27AM

    I wish you a fabulous day! I look forward to reading more updates! emoticon

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JEPPINER1 4/14/2011 10:26AM

    You are welcome....and see you lost a pound! Good for you. emoticon

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What is going on with me?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Well, it seems I owe a lot of you an apology since yesterday I slashed my SparkFriend list in just about half. I was getting totally overwhelmed because I was feeling guilty that I couldn't keep up with all of you. I like to keep in close touch with my SparkFriends so I know what is going on in their lives. Maybe then I feel less guilty about spilling my private life on a blog.

Several of you (and I knew which ones would reach out) have noticed that I haven't blogged in about 5 days. That's not long, I realize, but it has been long for me. Do you want to know the reason? I've succumbed to one of the worse episodes of depression that I've had since I was hospitalized several years ago. Back then I was entertaining suicidal thoughts and I admitted myself to the hospital as a preventative measure.

I'm mad, I'm confused, I'm tired and I wanted to basically throw in the towel. About two months ago, I became very anxious which abated a week after it started. Then last month it came on again and I ended up taking a month off of work. While I was lying in bed yesterday sobbing my heart out, I think I came up with a pattern and maybe a cause. Could it be perimenopause? Maybe, I'm grasping at straws but I've never been one to have wild mood swings. I'm pretty easy going and most people never know that I could be the poster woman for Depression.

Am I also sad that I will be turning 45 in a week? Am I sad that I haven't been losing weight as I think I should be? Am I anxious that our finances are getting tight? Am I afraid my husband will have to leave home after June to find work? Am I worried about falling back into old patterns when I'm laid off (until September) in 10 days? The answer to all of these questions is yes. But it still doesn't explain how bad I've been feeling for one week per month for the past three months!

Oh, as to turning 45, it really isn't a big deal. Age is yet another number of which we have no control. I think I had envisioned turing 45 being 30 pounds lighter and feeling great about it but if I'm lucky I will only have 15 pounds gone and even that is doubtful.

Over the weekend, we left to drive across the river where we walk. The dogs barked so much on the way over that my nerves were gone. I decided to stay in the car and let them walk with John. But, the little buggers got out and sat by the car and wouldn't leave "mommy". I did manage to walk them yesterday and the day before but my heart wasn't in it and all I wanted was to be left alone. I even gathered a blanket and went outside and sat in the fresh air to see if that would make me feel better.

The thing is, I can't talk about any of this in "the moment". If any of you have ever suffered any degree of mental illness, I hope you can relate to what I am about to say. When I get like this, my thoughts all become quite jumbled and there is like a thick mesh of gossamer blocking my words from spilling out through my mouth even though they are racing through my head. I feel if I open my mouth, nothing will come out only a deep keening wail.

Yesterday was especially bad, people are work stopped me and asked if all was okay because I looked "empty" and I just went about my motions and couldn't speak to anybody. I know my eyes get empty and dull (the eyes are, afterall, the mirrors to the soul) and I would be quite content to be left totally alone. But then the thoughts get me. Can I go through this again? Would the world be better off without me? Why do people like me; because they don't really know me? My dogs would love anybody so I'm nothing special? My husband wouldn't be saddled with me and my moods and would be a free man? My mother wouldn't worry about me? My brother lives so far away, I'm sure I'm not much to him.

When I say I'm moody, I rarely ever get angry but I do get really contemplative and sometimes what I'm contemplating is pretty dark. When I'm feeling good I really can't relate to any of this. I'm writing this on the cusp of hopefully coming out of this latest mood disturbance so I can read back through it. I'm writing this just as much for me as I am for you. I've got to remember that life is good, and that this too will pass.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_LINDA 4/15/2011 1:00AM

    Oh Susan, so very sorry I missed this blog when it came out :(( Its just so sad to hear you suffering like that. Please be sure and seek help to figure out why this comes so regular like this. Your friends have great suggestions. Leave no stone unturned getting medical help. You never know what they find and be able to treat..
Big hugs,
Linda


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TEMPEST272002 4/14/2011 12:49PM

    I'm sorry I missed this when you first posted it. I am sending you a great big hug. I wish I could come out and take care of you for a few days. Wrap you with blankets & bring you hot tea & tell you that this too will pass if you just hold on.

I have been where you are & I know how difficult it is just to hold onto yourself when you are in that place. Your mind is racing with thoughts that tell you you're not worthy or good enough. Your spouse is better of without you (ridiculous!), the pain is without end (not true), this life is barely worth the effort (complete lie). You can't imagine ever feeling any better. The darkness just enfolds you and is so dam thick & heavy that it's difficult to breathe.

The most important thing here is to keep holding on and reaching out for help. Even though it's the hardest thing to do.

We love you because we DO know you. You reveal your innermost self to us here - and we love that self. You don't need to be perfect or competent or even happy for us to love you. Your vulnerability is beautiful. You are beautiful. Just exactly as you are. Depression and all.

I know you're under doctor/psychologist care and that you are doing what you can to care for yourself. I want you to put away the scale, just for now, and really focus on taking care of your body as best you can. Depression is telling you that you're not worthy of that self-care - but it's a f*cking liar & you know it. Dogs, OTOH, are truth tellers. Listen to them instead.

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GAYLE-G-63 4/14/2011 12:28PM

    My dearest Susan,

I am so, so sorry I missed this when you originally posted it on Tuesday.

My heart truly goes out to you. I too suffer from depression and understand how devastating it can be. You have a lot going on right now. Unfortunately I don't have a magical solution. But I can assure you that you've made a positive step by identifying the issues that may or may not be the cause(s).

I hope you'll always remember your friends here care for you immensely. And remember you are not alone!!!

With the greatest affection,
~Gayle~

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VICKILYN4 4/13/2011 6:06PM

    Oh sweetie..I'm so so so sorry you have to deal with this. I may not know you personally as far as face to face goes but, I know you from here and you are an AMAZING WOMEN!!! I love you dearly as do many many many people on this site. DO NOT even think about ending anything. First of all, your husband does love you very much and would be lost without you..I pretty sure. Your dogs would never go to the bathroom again.(refer to you blog..they waited by the car for mommy). I don't know about your relationship with your mother or brother but I can bet they would miss you terribly. As would I!! You bring sunshine and flowers with your blogs. You bring humor and compassion to your blogs. I agree with the others..make another appointment with the doctor and like one lady said..get checked for bipolar disorder. We love you Susan!!! And I would also hunt you down if you removed me as a friend. Chin up and keep pressing on. I will say a prayer for you my friend.

emoticon emoticon Vicki

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JLITT62 4/13/2011 5:48AM

    I wish I could come there & give you a hug. You know the very first thing that popped into my mind was that it sounds hormonally driven. Having never experienced what you're going thru, all I can tell you is that the world would definitely be less bright without you in it.

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ERIKO1908 4/12/2011 11:42PM

    First off I will tell you that I love you & that I am praying for you. I commend you for "getting it all down on paper" while it is all still fresh. You are correct in the fact that going back over what you see going on will be a helpful tool. I know the feeling of no words coming out - though you described it as I never could - that was the point I got to at the end of my marriage...if I'd wanted to save it I couldn't have because no words would physically come out of my mouth. Terrifying!! I'm on board with the others here...time for a trip to the doctor...you are probably on the right path thinking body changes are playing a big part in it. I must also add that Leslie stole all my answers!!! I read all the comments on your blog & her answers to your questions were the exact ones I rattled off in my head as I read your blog. So go read her posted comment again, but close your left eye & imagine my picture there instead...she was spot on!! You are loved!! You are NEVER alone!! It is okay to get some more help!! I'll keep praying for you!!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/12/2011 9:37PM

    I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a bad time. You could be starting menopause; if so you can look forward to life being on a more even keel. At least that has been my experience.

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SPUDRUNNER 4/12/2011 6:55PM

    I have suffered from depression for years and a lot of times when depression is hard to treat it can be a sign of biopolar disorder (especially with mood swings). It just requires different medication. Yes, you can go through this again and you will make it. Things do get better. Husbands are resilient and can put up with a lot so don't worry about him. Your dogs definitely need you, they won't just love "anybody". Speaking from experience I think you should seek help from a professional and maybe see if they could put you on a mood stabilizer. I know it really helped me. I really hope it helps. Good Luck. You will be in my thoughts

Comment edited on: 4/12/2011 7:03:11 PM

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BOVEY63 4/12/2011 1:20PM

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this depression. I have suffered some bouts but nothing as severe as what you have, and are, going through now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Try to remember that you are a special person and the world is better because you are in it. A true sign of this is your animals - they know a good soul. I'm pretty sure your husband and mom would agree too.
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What day is your birthday? I will be 48 on the 16th.
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KANSASROSE67 4/12/2011 1:12PM

    Everyone else has said it, but I'll say it too. You are special, and unique, and God has placed you on this earth for a purpose. The hopelessness is the worst, but you've gotten through this before and you WILL do so again. Hang in there!

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KAYDE53 4/12/2011 12:26PM

    Yes, I agree with all the rest; it may be time for a dr. visit to adjust meds etc. Depression is such a devastating disease, isn't it?? Are you getting any exercise in, especially outdoors? Sometimes, that helps me so much just to get out & breathe fresh air with my dogs!! I'm praying for you, dear one, hang in there!! emoticon

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DRGOMTI 4/12/2011 12:25PM

    : ( I'm sure I'm one that got slashed cz I'm not good at checking in. : ( My heart goes out to you BIG TIME!! I went thru menopause when I was early 40s. I stopped having my period in the late 30's, I think because of antidepressants. so I think that's why I went thru menopause so early. but then again, my mom went thru it when she was only 38 n she didn't have antidepressants back then. so, you certainly could be going thru menopause, n it can be scary! Keep in close touch with your doctors and like Kaz. said, finding the right combination of antidepressants was crucial for me. May God be with you my spark friend!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAZINMICH 4/12/2011 12:07PM

    I can relate to you so well. My daughter is also having a depression right now as well. sometimes all we can do is make ourselves get through the day to day things until it gets better. Maybe it's time to find some meds? To be honest, I HATE feeling I have to take meds, but for some reason they work. When you find the right combination of medication and reasoning things get easier. Of course, there are always the times when we will get down and people won't understand. I know for me I remind myself of how Happy I was just the other (day/month/year) or how I got through this before, and I won't let it get that bad, instead I'll try to remember how to get out of it again. It's so difficult, and I really really feel for you. I don't know if I was deleted or not, it really doesn't matter to me. LOL. I have you as a friend, and I hope to be a good friend to you. I completely understand not being able to comment back, keep up with people, so don't worry about me at all! I just want you to know that I understand that jumbling, lost, empty feeling all too well, and I've finally gotten through it and haven't had it in a very long time - but I passed it onto my daughter and now I have to be strong for her and help her learn how to work through it. The strangest medicine is what helped me the most - nortryptaline - a very small dose, and zoloft - also a very small dose. It takes the darkness away without me losing who I am in it. I still feel, cry, laugh, but the lows are not as low, and they are doable. So it's possible, keep trying to figure out what works for you, you will find a way even when it feels impossible. You are a fighter, take your time and do what's best for you.

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KAMAPERRY 4/12/2011 11:28AM

    I agree, time for the doctor. Trust me, I have been where you are. Don't try to conquer this alone. In the meantime, KNOW you are not alone, it may seem like you are in the dark by yourself, but you are not. emoticon

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LESLIES537 4/12/2011 10:43AM

    Let;s answer those questions..."Can I go through this again?" Of course you can, because YOU are strong and YOU are a survivor!! "Would the world be better off without me?" Hell to the NO! The world is a better place BECAUSE OF YOU! "Why do people like me; because they don't really know me?" We know enough to see that you're a good person, a caring wife, and an amazing friend! You're funny, you're witty, you're inspiring....the list could go on and on! "My dogs would love anybody so I'm nothing special?" No silly, they love YOU! They wouldn't give two sh$ts if they saw me! "My husband wouldn't be saddled with me and my moods and would be a free man?" He would be a lost man! You are his soul mate and he would not be complete without you! He would slip into a deep depression much like yours. Do you want that for him? "My mother wouldn't worry about me?" Your mother would probably die of a broken heart. "My brother lives so far away, I'm sure I'm not much to him." I'm sure he would tell you a different story too!

Life IS good and worrying accomplishes nothing besides more worry! I'm sooo so so sorry you have to suffer like this. Please take care and like MommaLittle said, don't you dare remove me from your friend list or I will hunt you down!! I love you! I'm sorry if this was harsh, but I care too much about you to not say anything at all!


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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 4/12/2011 9:22AM

    I just hate it that you get so low and depressed like this! No, it just doesn't seem like you (to me) because you are always so funny and full of light-heartedness in so many of your blogs. Depression is so painful, and I am relieved that mine isn't so severe. I do, however, know that it is very REAL, and that it isn't to be taken lightly. I hope you'll get whatever it is that you need that will alleviate your dark moods.

AND DON'T YOU DARE DELETE ME FROM YOUR FRIENDS LIST OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN EVEN IF YOU ARE ON AN ISLAND SOMEWHERE! emoticon

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JEPPINER1 4/12/2011 9:13AM

    I agree with Red. This calls for a doctor appointment. Maybe you need some different medications just to help you get through this. As you know I'm on 200mg Zoloft and it's helped me greatly. I'm just saying that there are all kinds of meds out there that can help. Also seeing a psychiatrist could help. Someone that is not bias that you can "verbally puke" on. I did. Don't be hard on yourself. We all love you and want you to get well. Take the first step and seek some help from a professional. emoticon

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REDSHOES2011 4/12/2011 8:26AM

    Perhaps time to sit down with your doctor and discuss menopause and depression.. I tried therapy and mastering skills to get past this..
xx
Red


Comment edited on: 4/12/2011 8:26:48 AM

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The sun is out, the grass is still white

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Here is another fine example of my nonsensical attempt at poetry:

The sun is out, the grass is still white
I've got my dinner planned out for tonight!

Yes, it is a beautiful sunny day here and if you can overlook the minus temperatures and the ground still snow-covered, you might just think Spring has arrived. Now, don't go worrying because this is what Spring is like in NL!

Yesterday was a write off for me nutritionally but I did get out to walk the hounds and to do some business for Central Paws. I'm thinking I could be coming down with something because my energy is zapped an my throat is itchy. That would explain the lack of motivation over the past two days.

Today, however, I've already got a load of laundry done (which I will hang outdoors when I go home lunchtime) and I have chicken breasts thawing out for supper. Sounds like a BBQ kind of day (yes, we still BBQ in below zero temperatures) and a baked potato, steamed broccoli and steamed carrot kind of day. I think that is our very favourite meal!

What about your favourite meals? Are you willing to share? I panfried some cod earlier this week (my very first attempt) and we seem to have loads of cod in our freezer. It was done in olive oil and wasn't over the top with calories. We are also big fans of strawberry spinach salad. That being said, I think my very favourite meal on earth has to be a cup of tea (made over an open fire in the woods) and a peanut butter sandwich made on fresh whole wheat bread. Toss in a banana or a pear and I'm a happy camper! I guess I would never make it as a food connoiseur!

Do many of you drink tea? I don't drink much of it although Newfoundlanders are known for loving their cuppas! Especially with tin milk (Carnation) and a Purity jam-jam cookie!

Why am I writing about food this morning? I think it is because I am hungry although I did eat my normal breakfast. I've got my 8 cups of water in too but all that did was make me cold and rushing to the washroom. I'm starting to think I should just stand over the toilet and let the water flow through me!

Have a great day in your little corner of the world!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOPEFULANGE 4/8/2011 10:57AM

    Mmm...love me some jam jams! Haven't had them in a while though! Yes...the flu is quickly spreading out here in the capitol. I've taken to purell-ing my hands a lot since I'm headed on vacation in two weeks and DO NOT want to get sick!

I hope you didn't actually come down with anything. If so, take care of yourself and enjoy the sun! We've finally got some here too!
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PEPSICHIPS 4/8/2011 9:41AM

    My first sure sign of Spring was seeing pussywillows yesterday while out for a walk. But that being said I still have about 3 ft of snow on my lawn and out back. Our bbq is out all winter. Since my dh don't mind bbq on a cold Jan day, I don't mind eating it. lol

Can't wait to start hiking.

Not a big tea drinker, but if I'm having a sweet, i do enjoy it. I also have been trying different green teas because of the health benefits. My favorite meal is pineapple glazed ham and scalloped potatoes.

Enjoy your day, fellow newfie.


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JLITT62 4/7/2011 5:18PM

    Thankfully, no snow left here - yours will be gone, soon, too! My throat bothered me for a few days last week, but then I was fine - hopefully that will be gone for you soon, too.

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BOVEY63 4/7/2011 5:10PM

    We have done a lot of BBQing in cold temps here in Minnesota too - I absolutely love BBQ chicken!
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As for tea, after reading about the benefits of green tea I have been trying to drink at least one cup a day.
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I'm like you when it comes to food and am typically happy with simple choices.
Have a wonderful rest of the day! emoticon

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BANDMAMAPC 4/7/2011 4:09PM

    I guess I shouldn't complain that the sun wasn't out until 3 this afternoon since you still have snow on the ground. I have a few recipes. Just recently did a baked lemon chicken. Real easy, little bit of salt, pepper, lemon juice and parsley on top.

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KAMAPERRY 4/7/2011 1:08PM

    Love it! My fave tea is Vanilla Cinnamon by the Republic of Tea! I have many favorite meals though!

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JEPPINER1 4/7/2011 12:04PM

    I am right there with you on BBQing! My boyfriend was out in a blizzard grilling. lol It seems to taste better in the winter. hmmmmmm

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LESLIES537 4/7/2011 11:59AM

    Thanks for the mental picture of you peeing over your toilet! LOL You crack me up! emoticon

My favorite meals? For breakfast I love a toasted peanut butter and banana sandwich, YUM! A dinner favorite is rump roast w/ carrots and potatoes, or spaghetti and garlic bread. I'm not much of a cook so I have several favorite frozen dinners, lol. My daughter just raved about the hotdogs I made one time and said I was the best cook in her book, hahaha! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 4/7/2011 11:32AM

    The sun is out, the grass is still white
I've got my dinner planned out for tonight!

I've pulled out the chicken and the squash
Now I'm off to do a load of wash!

And when it's done and on the line
I'll walk the dogs til we're feeling fine.

Favourite meals? Baked squash (any variety) with applesause & maple syrup. Tasty Artichoke Chicken recipe from sparkrecipes. Steamed broccoli with a bit of margarine & parmeson cheese. Icecream with peanut butter and chocolate syrup... oops, you were asking for healthy right? That icecream combo has been my downfall lately. Do you ever try the recipes at spark? I've accumulated a lot of favs from there.

Tea - definitely. Grandma was a Brit. emoticon

Hope you're having a great day!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 4/7/2011 11:08AM

    Every time you blog, I get to have a huge smile! Thank you! emoticon

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MEMARE 4/7/2011 10:39AM

    Loved your poem! Loved your blog!
I'll drink tea on occasion but water is my beverage of choice. I've already got half gallon down today already I think! emoticon Had two glasses just after getting up this morning.

To expand on your poem:
The sun is out, the grass is still white
I've got my dinner planned out for tonight!

I've pulled out the chicken and the squash
Now I'm off to do a load of wash!


Have a wonderful day Susan, Spring is coming...
I've posted some flowers from my yard today in a blog.
Stop by and enjoy the beauty of spring in my neck of the woods.
~Mare~

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KAZINMICH 4/7/2011 9:17AM

    LOL! I LOVE grilling in the snow! I think it makes the food taste even yummier. Our grill broke last fall - I think it just needs a good cleaning. We've been waiting to take it apart. Our snow is finally gone! it's been raining here a lot. April Showers. The last snow is usually the first week of April and usually doesn't stick. We shall see. the weather has been crazy.

I have found a few teas that I will drink when I'm sick. The problem is they have to have a sweet sugary taste, so I generally avoid them. I'm not sure why I never got into drinking tea, and I've never drank coffee. My newest kick is drinking VitaminWater.

it sounds like your day is starting off very productive! Awesome! Hope the rest of the day is great!!

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JUNEBUGG02 4/7/2011 9:14AM

  Poetry! How fun. I like "the grass is white" part. My family eats a lot of chicken. Our favorite (easy) recipe is to bread the chicken with whole wheat panko bread crumbs, top with a small amount of margarine, and bake for about 45 min or until cooked through (depends on the sizes of the chicken breasts). For a few more calories, we do chicken and rice. I use 1 cup long grain brown rice, 1 can healthy choice cream of chicken soup, 1 can of low sodium chicken broth. The tricky part is that brown rice takes much longer to cook than white. So...you have to put the 2 cans of soup and rice in a 350 oven for an hour, then add the chicken (just put on top and sprinkle with pepper), and cook another hour. This is our "comfort food." (we ate this last night with steamed broccoli and cauliflower). This is a fun way to learn a few new recipes. We like spinach and strawberry salad, too (I use low fat balsamic vinegarette dressing with it). Thanks for sharing.

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