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My plan for recovery

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Thank you to all who left such wonderful and caring comments on my last blog. It means alot to me to have this forum in which to pour out my heart and soul and to have such supportive responses. Some of you wondered if your comments were too harsh but that is the reality I face when I dare to express what is going on in my head. I know you are all right and would never take offence to anything you say because I know it is said in a caring way.

I do have so much to live for and yet, when the beast is upon me, I fail to see how blessed my life really is. Thank you all for reminding me of that!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VICKILYN4 4/19/2011 9:04PM

    We are here to help and shed some sun on you when you need it. You are true blessing to all the people you touch. If you need ANYTHING just let me know. Take Care!

emoticon vicki

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BOVEY63 4/15/2011 6:22PM

    We're here to help tame the beast when it appears. Take care my friend!
Love the new profile pic - too cute!

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_LINDA 4/15/2011 1:05AM

    Letting out your thoughts and feelings is a good thing. We can't know or understand what is going on with you unless you tell us. Never worry about getting around to your friend's activities and blogs, they will understand. They have told me that in spades. True friends will stick by you. I will be here for you. May be slow, but sure..

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ERIKO1908 4/14/2011 10:23PM

    You've put it out there and asked for support!! That's one of the best things we can do for ourselves. The love pours out constantly and we really all can use that. I will continue praying for you my dear, wonderful, beautiful friend!!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/14/2011 10:14PM

    I think your will to be better is stronger than the beast.

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    emoticonlove you, my friend! emoticon

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HOPEFULANGE 4/14/2011 5:44PM

    Hi Susan! Sorry I didn't comment on your other blog...i've been on a spark hiatus. Mainly because I'm feeling overwhelmed with how much time it takes me to read and comment on everyone's posts. Surprised to get back on and the first blog I read is yours talking about how you're overwhelmed about the same thing! Now, I am not battling depression, so I can't even imagine what you're going through...but I am feeling guilty that I've abandoned my spark friends for the past week.

I hope things are better for you today, and look forward to the nice summer when you'll have lots of time to dedicate to yourself. I'll be in touch, but maybe not as often because I'm going to start putting myself a little higher up on the list of priorities! emoticon

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KAYDE53 4/14/2011 4:51PM

    You can do it, dear friend!! Glad things are a little better!! My thoughts & prayers are with you!! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 4/14/2011 1:02PM

    I just saw & commented on your other blog. I'm sorry I missed it at the time. I'm glad you feel our support. Now go take those doggies for a little walk.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 4/14/2011 12:37PM

    Wonderful, know you are loved here.

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LESLIES537 4/14/2011 12:14PM

    God bless you, my friend! I'm glad you are able to recognize the beast before he completely takes over. Kick his a$$ girl! You've got a wonderful support system here! YOU are a blessing to each and every one of us! LOVE YOU! emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 4/14/2011 11:28AM

    Glad to hear from you again. Keeping you in thought and prayer. I love the sunny yellow daisies on your page!

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DRGOMTI 4/14/2011 11:16AM

    I'll be a prayin for you Susan!! I know how hard these gull darn lows can be! : ( Hopefully lotsa prayers n your SP friends can grab your hand n pull you up outa the doledrums!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BECCAJ98 4/14/2011 10:27AM

    I wish you a fabulous day! I look forward to reading more updates! emoticon

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JEPPINER1 4/14/2011 10:26AM

    You are welcome....and see you lost a pound! Good for you. emoticon

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What is going on with me?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Well, it seems I owe a lot of you an apology since yesterday I slashed my SparkFriend list in just about half. I was getting totally overwhelmed because I was feeling guilty that I couldn't keep up with all of you. I like to keep in close touch with my SparkFriends so I know what is going on in their lives. Maybe then I feel less guilty about spilling my private life on a blog.

Several of you (and I knew which ones would reach out) have noticed that I haven't blogged in about 5 days. That's not long, I realize, but it has been long for me. Do you want to know the reason? I've succumbed to one of the worse episodes of depression that I've had since I was hospitalized several years ago. Back then I was entertaining suicidal thoughts and I admitted myself to the hospital as a preventative measure.

I'm mad, I'm confused, I'm tired and I wanted to basically throw in the towel. About two months ago, I became very anxious which abated a week after it started. Then last month it came on again and I ended up taking a month off of work. While I was lying in bed yesterday sobbing my heart out, I think I came up with a pattern and maybe a cause. Could it be perimenopause? Maybe, I'm grasping at straws but I've never been one to have wild mood swings. I'm pretty easy going and most people never know that I could be the poster woman for Depression.

Am I also sad that I will be turning 45 in a week? Am I sad that I haven't been losing weight as I think I should be? Am I anxious that our finances are getting tight? Am I afraid my husband will have to leave home after June to find work? Am I worried about falling back into old patterns when I'm laid off (until September) in 10 days? The answer to all of these questions is yes. But it still doesn't explain how bad I've been feeling for one week per month for the past three months!

Oh, as to turning 45, it really isn't a big deal. Age is yet another number of which we have no control. I think I had envisioned turing 45 being 30 pounds lighter and feeling great about it but if I'm lucky I will only have 15 pounds gone and even that is doubtful.

Over the weekend, we left to drive across the river where we walk. The dogs barked so much on the way over that my nerves were gone. I decided to stay in the car and let them walk with John. But, the little buggers got out and sat by the car and wouldn't leave "mommy". I did manage to walk them yesterday and the day before but my heart wasn't in it and all I wanted was to be left alone. I even gathered a blanket and went outside and sat in the fresh air to see if that would make me feel better.

The thing is, I can't talk about any of this in "the moment". If any of you have ever suffered any degree of mental illness, I hope you can relate to what I am about to say. When I get like this, my thoughts all become quite jumbled and there is like a thick mesh of gossamer blocking my words from spilling out through my mouth even though they are racing through my head. I feel if I open my mouth, nothing will come out only a deep keening wail.

Yesterday was especially bad, people are work stopped me and asked if all was okay because I looked "empty" and I just went about my motions and couldn't speak to anybody. I know my eyes get empty and dull (the eyes are, afterall, the mirrors to the soul) and I would be quite content to be left totally alone. But then the thoughts get me. Can I go through this again? Would the world be better off without me? Why do people like me; because they don't really know me? My dogs would love anybody so I'm nothing special? My husband wouldn't be saddled with me and my moods and would be a free man? My mother wouldn't worry about me? My brother lives so far away, I'm sure I'm not much to him.

When I say I'm moody, I rarely ever get angry but I do get really contemplative and sometimes what I'm contemplating is pretty dark. When I'm feeling good I really can't relate to any of this. I'm writing this on the cusp of hopefully coming out of this latest mood disturbance so I can read back through it. I'm writing this just as much for me as I am for you. I've got to remember that life is good, and that this too will pass.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_LINDA 4/15/2011 1:00AM

    Oh Susan, so very sorry I missed this blog when it came out :(( Its just so sad to hear you suffering like that. Please be sure and seek help to figure out why this comes so regular like this. Your friends have great suggestions. Leave no stone unturned getting medical help. You never know what they find and be able to treat..
Big hugs,

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TEMPEST272002 4/14/2011 12:49PM

    I'm sorry I missed this when you first posted it. I am sending you a great big hug. I wish I could come out and take care of you for a few days. Wrap you with blankets & bring you hot tea & tell you that this too will pass if you just hold on.

I have been where you are & I know how difficult it is just to hold onto yourself when you are in that place. Your mind is racing with thoughts that tell you you're not worthy or good enough. Your spouse is better of without you (ridiculous!), the pain is without end (not true), this life is barely worth the effort (complete lie). You can't imagine ever feeling any better. The darkness just enfolds you and is so dam thick & heavy that it's difficult to breathe.

The most important thing here is to keep holding on and reaching out for help. Even though it's the hardest thing to do.

We love you because we DO know you. You reveal your innermost self to us here - and we love that self. You don't need to be perfect or competent or even happy for us to love you. Your vulnerability is beautiful. You are beautiful. Just exactly as you are. Depression and all.

I know you're under doctor/psychologist care and that you are doing what you can to care for yourself. I want you to put away the scale, just for now, and really focus on taking care of your body as best you can. Depression is telling you that you're not worthy of that self-care - but it's a f*cking liar & you know it. Dogs, OTOH, are truth tellers. Listen to them instead.

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GAYLE-G-63 4/14/2011 12:28PM

    My dearest Susan,

I am so, so sorry I missed this when you originally posted it on Tuesday.

My heart truly goes out to you. I too suffer from depression and understand how devastating it can be. You have a lot going on right now. Unfortunately I don't have a magical solution. But I can assure you that you've made a positive step by identifying the issues that may or may not be the cause(s).

I hope you'll always remember your friends here care for you immensely. And remember you are not alone!!!

With the greatest affection,

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VICKILYN4 4/13/2011 6:06PM

    Oh sweetie..I'm so so so sorry you have to deal with this. I may not know you personally as far as face to face goes but, I know you from here and you are an AMAZING WOMEN!!! I love you dearly as do many many many people on this site. DO NOT even think about ending anything. First of all, your husband does love you very much and would be lost without you..I pretty sure. Your dogs would never go to the bathroom again.(refer to you blog..they waited by the car for mommy). I don't know about your relationship with your mother or brother but I can bet they would miss you terribly. As would I!! You bring sunshine and flowers with your blogs. You bring humor and compassion to your blogs. I agree with the others..make another appointment with the doctor and like one lady said..get checked for bipolar disorder. We love you Susan!!! And I would also hunt you down if you removed me as a friend. Chin up and keep pressing on. I will say a prayer for you my friend.

emoticon emoticon Vicki

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JLITT62 4/13/2011 5:48AM

    I wish I could come there & give you a hug. You know the very first thing that popped into my mind was that it sounds hormonally driven. Having never experienced what you're going thru, all I can tell you is that the world would definitely be less bright without you in it.


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ERIKO1908 4/12/2011 11:42PM

    First off I will tell you that I love you & that I am praying for you. I commend you for "getting it all down on paper" while it is all still fresh. You are correct in the fact that going back over what you see going on will be a helpful tool. I know the feeling of no words coming out - though you described it as I never could - that was the point I got to at the end of my marriage...if I'd wanted to save it I couldn't have because no words would physically come out of my mouth. Terrifying!! I'm on board with the others here...time for a trip to the doctor...you are probably on the right path thinking body changes are playing a big part in it. I must also add that Leslie stole all my answers!!! I read all the comments on your blog & her answers to your questions were the exact ones I rattled off in my head as I read your blog. So go read her posted comment again, but close your left eye & imagine my picture there instead...she was spot on!! You are loved!! You are NEVER alone!! It is okay to get some more help!! I'll keep praying for you!!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/12/2011 9:37PM

    I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a bad time. You could be starting menopause; if so you can look forward to life being on a more even keel. At least that has been my experience.

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SPUDRUNNER 4/12/2011 6:55PM

    I have suffered from depression for years and a lot of times when depression is hard to treat it can be a sign of biopolar disorder (especially with mood swings). It just requires different medication. Yes, you can go through this again and you will make it. Things do get better. Husbands are resilient and can put up with a lot so don't worry about him. Your dogs definitely need you, they won't just love "anybody". Speaking from experience I think you should seek help from a professional and maybe see if they could put you on a mood stabilizer. I know it really helped me. I really hope it helps. Good Luck. You will be in my thoughts

Comment edited on: 4/12/2011 7:03:11 PM

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BOVEY63 4/12/2011 1:20PM

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this depression. I have suffered some bouts but nothing as severe as what you have, and are, going through now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Try to remember that you are a special person and the world is better because you are in it. A true sign of this is your animals - they know a good soul. I'm pretty sure your husband and mom would agree too.
What day is your birthday? I will be 48 on the 16th.

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KANSASROSE67 4/12/2011 1:12PM

    Everyone else has said it, but I'll say it too. You are special, and unique, and God has placed you on this earth for a purpose. The hopelessness is the worst, but you've gotten through this before and you WILL do so again. Hang in there!

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KAYDE53 4/12/2011 12:26PM

    Yes, I agree with all the rest; it may be time for a dr. visit to adjust meds etc. Depression is such a devastating disease, isn't it?? Are you getting any exercise in, especially outdoors? Sometimes, that helps me so much just to get out & breathe fresh air with my dogs!! I'm praying for you, dear one, hang in there!! emoticon

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DRGOMTI 4/12/2011 12:25PM

    : ( I'm sure I'm one that got slashed cz I'm not good at checking in. : ( My heart goes out to you BIG TIME!! I went thru menopause when I was early 40s. I stopped having my period in the late 30's, I think because of antidepressants. so I think that's why I went thru menopause so early. but then again, my mom went thru it when she was only 38 n she didn't have antidepressants back then. so, you certainly could be going thru menopause, n it can be scary! Keep in close touch with your doctors and like Kaz. said, finding the right combination of antidepressants was crucial for me. May God be with you my spark friend!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAZINMICH 4/12/2011 12:07PM

    I can relate to you so well. My daughter is also having a depression right now as well. sometimes all we can do is make ourselves get through the day to day things until it gets better. Maybe it's time to find some meds? To be honest, I HATE feeling I have to take meds, but for some reason they work. When you find the right combination of medication and reasoning things get easier. Of course, there are always the times when we will get down and people won't understand. I know for me I remind myself of how Happy I was just the other (day/month/year) or how I got through this before, and I won't let it get that bad, instead I'll try to remember how to get out of it again. It's so difficult, and I really really feel for you. I don't know if I was deleted or not, it really doesn't matter to me. LOL. I have you as a friend, and I hope to be a good friend to you. I completely understand not being able to comment back, keep up with people, so don't worry about me at all! I just want you to know that I understand that jumbling, lost, empty feeling all too well, and I've finally gotten through it and haven't had it in a very long time - but I passed it onto my daughter and now I have to be strong for her and help her learn how to work through it. The strangest medicine is what helped me the most - nortryptaline - a very small dose, and zoloft - also a very small dose. It takes the darkness away without me losing who I am in it. I still feel, cry, laugh, but the lows are not as low, and they are doable. So it's possible, keep trying to figure out what works for you, you will find a way even when it feels impossible. You are a fighter, take your time and do what's best for you.

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KAMAPERRY 4/12/2011 11:28AM

    I agree, time for the doctor. Trust me, I have been where you are. Don't try to conquer this alone. In the meantime, KNOW you are not alone, it may seem like you are in the dark by yourself, but you are not. emoticon

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LESLIES537 4/12/2011 10:43AM

    Let;s answer those questions..."Can I go through this again?" Of course you can, because YOU are strong and YOU are a survivor!! "Would the world be better off without me?" Hell to the NO! The world is a better place BECAUSE OF YOU! "Why do people like me; because they don't really know me?" We know enough to see that you're a good person, a caring wife, and an amazing friend! You're funny, you're witty, you're inspiring....the list could go on and on! "My dogs would love anybody so I'm nothing special?" No silly, they love YOU! They wouldn't give two sh$ts if they saw me! "My husband wouldn't be saddled with me and my moods and would be a free man?" He would be a lost man! You are his soul mate and he would not be complete without you! He would slip into a deep depression much like yours. Do you want that for him? "My mother wouldn't worry about me?" Your mother would probably die of a broken heart. "My brother lives so far away, I'm sure I'm not much to him." I'm sure he would tell you a different story too!

Life IS good and worrying accomplishes nothing besides more worry! I'm sooo so so sorry you have to suffer like this. Please take care and like MommaLittle said, don't you dare remove me from your friend list or I will hunt you down!! I love you! I'm sorry if this was harsh, but I care too much about you to not say anything at all!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    I just hate it that you get so low and depressed like this! No, it just doesn't seem like you (to me) because you are always so funny and full of light-heartedness in so many of your blogs. Depression is so painful, and I am relieved that mine isn't so severe. I do, however, know that it is very REAL, and that it isn't to be taken lightly. I hope you'll get whatever it is that you need that will alleviate your dark moods.


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JEPPINER1 4/12/2011 9:13AM

    I agree with Red. This calls for a doctor appointment. Maybe you need some different medications just to help you get through this. As you know I'm on 200mg Zoloft and it's helped me greatly. I'm just saying that there are all kinds of meds out there that can help. Also seeing a psychiatrist could help. Someone that is not bias that you can "verbally puke" on. I did. Don't be hard on yourself. We all love you and want you to get well. Take the first step and seek some help from a professional. emoticon

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REDSHOES2011 4/12/2011 8:26AM

    Perhaps time to sit down with your doctor and discuss menopause and depression.. I tried therapy and mastering skills to get past this..

Comment edited on: 4/12/2011 8:26:48 AM

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The sun is out, the grass is still white

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Here is another fine example of my nonsensical attempt at poetry:

The sun is out, the grass is still white
I've got my dinner planned out for tonight!

Yes, it is a beautiful sunny day here and if you can overlook the minus temperatures and the ground still snow-covered, you might just think Spring has arrived. Now, don't go worrying because this is what Spring is like in NL!

Yesterday was a write off for me nutritionally but I did get out to walk the hounds and to do some business for Central Paws. I'm thinking I could be coming down with something because my energy is zapped an my throat is itchy. That would explain the lack of motivation over the past two days.

Today, however, I've already got a load of laundry done (which I will hang outdoors when I go home lunchtime) and I have chicken breasts thawing out for supper. Sounds like a BBQ kind of day (yes, we still BBQ in below zero temperatures) and a baked potato, steamed broccoli and steamed carrot kind of day. I think that is our very favourite meal!

What about your favourite meals? Are you willing to share? I panfried some cod earlier this week (my very first attempt) and we seem to have loads of cod in our freezer. It was done in olive oil and wasn't over the top with calories. We are also big fans of strawberry spinach salad. That being said, I think my very favourite meal on earth has to be a cup of tea (made over an open fire in the woods) and a peanut butter sandwich made on fresh whole wheat bread. Toss in a banana or a pear and I'm a happy camper! I guess I would never make it as a food connoiseur!

Do many of you drink tea? I don't drink much of it although Newfoundlanders are known for loving their cuppas! Especially with tin milk (Carnation) and a Purity jam-jam cookie!

Why am I writing about food this morning? I think it is because I am hungry although I did eat my normal breakfast. I've got my 8 cups of water in too but all that did was make me cold and rushing to the washroom. I'm starting to think I should just stand over the toilet and let the water flow through me!

Have a great day in your little corner of the world!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOPEFULANGE 4/8/2011 10:57AM

    Mmm...love me some jam jams! Haven't had them in a while though! Yes...the flu is quickly spreading out here in the capitol. I've taken to purell-ing my hands a lot since I'm headed on vacation in two weeks and DO NOT want to get sick!

I hope you didn't actually come down with anything. If so, take care of yourself and enjoy the sun! We've finally got some here too!

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PEPSICHIPS 4/8/2011 9:41AM

    My first sure sign of Spring was seeing pussywillows yesterday while out for a walk. But that being said I still have about 3 ft of snow on my lawn and out back. Our bbq is out all winter. Since my dh don't mind bbq on a cold Jan day, I don't mind eating it. lol

Can't wait to start hiking.

Not a big tea drinker, but if I'm having a sweet, i do enjoy it. I also have been trying different green teas because of the health benefits. My favorite meal is pineapple glazed ham and scalloped potatoes.

Enjoy your day, fellow newfie.

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JLITT62 4/7/2011 5:18PM

    Thankfully, no snow left here - yours will be gone, soon, too! My throat bothered me for a few days last week, but then I was fine - hopefully that will be gone for you soon, too.

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BOVEY63 4/7/2011 5:10PM

    We have done a lot of BBQing in cold temps here in Minnesota too - I absolutely love BBQ chicken!
As for tea, after reading about the benefits of green tea I have been trying to drink at least one cup a day.
I'm like you when it comes to food and am typically happy with simple choices.
Have a wonderful rest of the day! emoticon

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BANDMAMAPC 4/7/2011 4:09PM

    I guess I shouldn't complain that the sun wasn't out until 3 this afternoon since you still have snow on the ground. I have a few recipes. Just recently did a baked lemon chicken. Real easy, little bit of salt, pepper, lemon juice and parsley on top.

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KAMAPERRY 4/7/2011 1:08PM

    Love it! My fave tea is Vanilla Cinnamon by the Republic of Tea! I have many favorite meals though!

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JEPPINER1 4/7/2011 12:04PM

    I am right there with you on BBQing! My boyfriend was out in a blizzard grilling. lol It seems to taste better in the winter. hmmmmmm

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LESLIES537 4/7/2011 11:59AM

    Thanks for the mental picture of you peeing over your toilet! LOL You crack me up! emoticon

My favorite meals? For breakfast I love a toasted peanut butter and banana sandwich, YUM! A dinner favorite is rump roast w/ carrots and potatoes, or spaghetti and garlic bread. I'm not much of a cook so I have several favorite frozen dinners, lol. My daughter just raved about the hotdogs I made one time and said I was the best cook in her book, hahaha! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 4/7/2011 11:32AM

    The sun is out, the grass is still white
I've got my dinner planned out for tonight!

I've pulled out the chicken and the squash
Now I'm off to do a load of wash!

And when it's done and on the line
I'll walk the dogs til we're feeling fine.

Favourite meals? Baked squash (any variety) with applesause & maple syrup. Tasty Artichoke Chicken recipe from sparkrecipes. Steamed broccoli with a bit of margarine & parmeson cheese. Icecream with peanut butter and chocolate syrup... oops, you were asking for healthy right? That icecream combo has been my downfall lately. Do you ever try the recipes at spark? I've accumulated a lot of favs from there.

Tea - definitely. Grandma was a Brit. emoticon

Hope you're having a great day!

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    Every time you blog, I get to have a huge smile! Thank you! emoticon

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MEMARE 4/7/2011 10:39AM

    Loved your poem! Loved your blog!
I'll drink tea on occasion but water is my beverage of choice. I've already got half gallon down today already I think! emoticon Had two glasses just after getting up this morning.

To expand on your poem:
The sun is out, the grass is still white
I've got my dinner planned out for tonight!

I've pulled out the chicken and the squash
Now I'm off to do a load of wash!

Have a wonderful day Susan, Spring is coming...
I've posted some flowers from my yard today in a blog.
Stop by and enjoy the beauty of spring in my neck of the woods.

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KAZINMICH 4/7/2011 9:17AM

    LOL! I LOVE grilling in the snow! I think it makes the food taste even yummier. Our grill broke last fall - I think it just needs a good cleaning. We've been waiting to take it apart. Our snow is finally gone! it's been raining here a lot. April Showers. The last snow is usually the first week of April and usually doesn't stick. We shall see. the weather has been crazy.

I have found a few teas that I will drink when I'm sick. The problem is they have to have a sweet sugary taste, so I generally avoid them. I'm not sure why I never got into drinking tea, and I've never drank coffee. My newest kick is drinking VitaminWater.

it sounds like your day is starting off very productive! Awesome! Hope the rest of the day is great!!

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JUNEBUGG02 4/7/2011 9:14AM

  Poetry! How fun. I like "the grass is white" part. My family eats a lot of chicken. Our favorite (easy) recipe is to bread the chicken with whole wheat panko bread crumbs, top with a small amount of margarine, and bake for about 45 min or until cooked through (depends on the sizes of the chicken breasts). For a few more calories, we do chicken and rice. I use 1 cup long grain brown rice, 1 can healthy choice cream of chicken soup, 1 can of low sodium chicken broth. The tricky part is that brown rice takes much longer to cook than white. So...you have to put the 2 cans of soup and rice in a 350 oven for an hour, then add the chicken (just put on top and sprinkle with pepper), and cook another hour. This is our "comfort food." (we ate this last night with steamed broccoli and cauliflower). This is a fun way to learn a few new recipes. We like spinach and strawberry salad, too (I use low fat balsamic vinegarette dressing with it). Thanks for sharing.

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Because you asked

Tuesday, April 05, 2011


Happy Tuesday evening one and all. It has actually been a miserable day here where I live unless of course you enjoy freezing rain making things very slippery and enjoy the sting on your face when it hits your cheeks. Other than that, though, it has been a good day. Didn't walk today though which I'm not beating myself over. Don't worry, the dogs were walked, just not by me!

Speaking of dogs, I posted my status yesterday and I received several requests for more information. I think my update was something like "did my first educational visit to Girl Guides for my humane society". As most of you know, I am a volunteer with our local humane society and it is through them that we have been blessed with both Maddy and Louisa. Both were given up twice before and are now just as much a part of our family as my husband and I are. Maddy (our Pomeranian) was given up both times because he was too much dog for elderly people. Louisa (our yellow Labrador) was taken from her original owners due to blatant neglect. She was then taken in by an elderly couple who unfortunately ended up having to move to a seniors home.

The humane society here is called Central Paws Humane Society. We are not affiliated with the SPCA although we do our best to help each other out. We were founded by several devoted animal lovers who realized that too many animals were being euthanized because there was no room left in shelters. We do not have a shelter and rely on foster families to take an animal in until a forever family is found. This is how we ended up with Louisa especially. Note to self...that was the first and last fostering for me as I become too involved too soon. We try to educate the public, especially young children, about what to consider before adopting or buying a pet. Too many animals in our society are considered disposable. A lot of our funds (okay we are basically broke and pay for much of this ourselves!) is used to spay and neuter animals so there won't be an over abundance of unwanted, neglected, and abandoned critters.

I always thought I was too soft to do some of this but I think we all have an inner strength for certain things. I've seen and heard some pretty disgusting things about how our innocent friends are being treated. Some are truly sick and we believe if we can reach out to the children and teach them right from wrong with regards to compassion, it will help all of us. Yes, sometimes things are awful and we have no choice but to euthanize but it is our very last straw.

There are about four of us who do the main work of Central Paws, including the much dreaded fundraising! My wish is to eventually win millions of dollars so a sanctuary can be established in our beautiful province to honour those pets that have gone before us and who showed us what true love is all about. The abused, the neglected, the abandoned all live among us and I just wish we could help them all.

Okay, so now that I'm sobbing (by now you all know how emotional I can be) I will think happy thoughts for the rest of the night. I think this calls for a major belly rubbing session with Maddy and Louisa as that always puts a smile on my face.


P.S. If you have an animal in your home please give it a hug from me and thank you for letting a pet share your life.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAZINMICH 4/7/2011 9:28AM

    My aunt runs a shelter & rescue in Missouri. She's up to 6 dogs that she has at her home.. LOL. They call her the dog whisperer. She's amazing with them, truly amazing. I want to run a large breed rescue, however I have a very very hard time when animals are abused. It makes me soooo sick to think of the suffering, and I get so emotional and angry. I cry over those stupid commercials. I can't understand for the life of me how people can hurt innocents like kids and animals!! Because of our finances, every time I see a donation jar I always put money in it. I can't afford to foster a pet at home right now, although I would love to. given our schedule, emotional teen, and one-eyed, arthritis ridden bullmastiff, it's just not smart. I will however join in the fostering and rescuing when I'm older and more settled. Until then I'll keep donating. I hate the fact that anyone can breed their dog at any time without consequences. I hate breed banning legislation. I could go on and on and on for hours on this topic. I'm the person that will see a pet store at a mall and go in there and convince everyone there not to buy a pet there!!! Puppy Mills NEED to stop, Dog Auctions NEED to stop, People need to see having children and animals as a financial and social responsibility. Ok I gotta stop.

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BANDMAMAPC 4/7/2011 8:10AM

    I admire people who save animals. I saved a beagle almost 7 years ago. emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 4/6/2011 6:40PM

    Your warm heart shows through when you talk about your rescue work. Thank you for tell us more about what you do.

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BOVEY63 4/6/2011 5:35PM

    God bless you for your commitment to the animals. Our local shelter is currently struggling too, and if something positive (financially) doesn't happen soon, it may close. It is heartbreaking because they have so many animals that need homes and are unable to take anymore at this time. It brings me to tears wondering what will happen to all these innocent animals.
emoticon emoticon

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JEPPINER1 4/6/2011 11:39AM

    I adopted my cat from the Animal Rescue League. I love her to death and can't imagine my life without her. I can't watch anything on abusing animals or kids. It breaks my heart. Bless your heart!

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KAMAPERRY 4/6/2011 11:19AM

    God bless you. I love my furbabies.

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LESLIES537 4/6/2011 11:04AM

    Ditto JHADZHIA!!! The humane society is lucky to have you on their team! emoticon

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MEMARE 4/6/2011 9:42AM

    Bless you Susan for helping those without a voice, and training up a future generation. emoticon
Nitro Girl and Zak appreciated the hugs.

You should join the Rescued Dog Lovers team here on SP, I'm sure your wisdom, insight and humour would be a tremendous asset. emoticon (Link can be found on my sparkpage)

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HOPEFULANGE 4/6/2011 9:09AM

    You're such a strong person Susan. Kudos!

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JLITT62 4/6/2011 7:56AM

    Both Chester & Lola are rescues. Would you believe that at 10 months, when we got Lola, she'd already been in 6 homes?

I did volunteer for rescues for quite some time, but I'm taking a break right now.

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JHADZHIA 4/6/2011 12:17AM

    Thank you so much for the work you are doing with our lost fur babies out there. Our Bendix was a rescue..
It takes a special, strong person to see what goes on out there and be able to deal with it..
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DRGOMTI 4/5/2011 10:45PM

    You bet! Windy LOVED the hug from you!! : )) Both Ron n I LOVE Winders so much!! seems every dog we get, we get more attached!! I hate the thought of trying to replace Windy! but then she just might out live us. : ))
Thank you for being such a kind n loving soul for the poor defenseless animals!

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    Ahhh, Susan, I had to laugh as I read the ending of your blog, because I was 'swirling' Jazzie around with my hand as I was reading your blog, as she was wanting to be 'messed with'! emoticon

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/5/2011 8:45PM

    You're doing a good thing.

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KAYDE53 4/5/2011 7:13PM

    That sounds like a great program-to educate kids on all the aspects of owning a pet!! Hopefully, they will remember what they've learned & be able to use their knowledge when they have a pet of their own!! If it prevents one case of cruelty, it worth it!! emoticon

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55 comments on a blog that said I was leaving

Sunday, April 03, 2011


Well, it is a sleepy Sunday morning here in central Newfoundland, Canada. The snow we received yesterday is almost melted but we still have a ways to go before it is all gone! This is the norm for us although Friday it was so nice that I walked in a t-shirt (and yes, I did wear pants!) and I actually sat out in the sun for about 60 minutes enjoying my rocking chair. Now, that makes me sound either old or like Granny Clampett...or both!

Had two walks thus far today and it is only noon hour so maybe I can get another few kms in before sunset. Last week I broke my personal best of 25km as I waked a little over 26. This is from somebody who used to huff and puff just at the thoughts of going for a stroll. The only thing is (and it is not much to complain about) is that I sweat so much I have to strip off all of my clothes when I return home. My husband laughed at me until I showed him my t-shirt which was clearly damp with sweat. Is this normal? I know I am trying to walk as briskly as I can and I guess hauling around 210 pounds it is hard not to break out into a sweat. Anyway, just wondering if sweating like this is normal from just walking?

Okay, to get to my blog title. I seem to have given quite a few of you a good laugh with my April 1st blog in which I claimed I was leaving Spark. I'm shocked that people came out of the woodwork to read this and to leave comments. 55 of you left comments! Yes, fifty-five! Now, while I'm honoured that most of them thought they could change my mind into not quitting, I'm wondering what it would be like to have that kind of support all the time. Is that the reason people just drop off Spark without notice? Maybe today, we should all make an effort to thank our SparkFriends for encouraging us and to make an effort to touch base with each of them so that nobody feels like they are being left out.

I often go through my friends list and think, "well, I haven't heard from them in quite a while". Then I'm tempted to go in and just remove them but sometimes I stop and think maybe there is something going on and my little bit of encouragement could help them along.

On the other hand, we all probably have more SparkFriends than we can regularly keep in touch with. I sometimes go to their pages and see if they are still active and if they are, but they haven't stopped by my page in a long time (despite my efforts to keep in touch), I have no qualms about letting them go. It sometimes hurts a wee bit that we put in a lot of effort to stay in touch while they don't reciprocate but I try not to take it personally. Obviously, we didn't have a lot in common so I swallow my pride and let them go.

It is the SparkFriends that you know that aren't being active that trouble me the most. I want them to keep at it and to stick with it. They are the ones we should all be reaching out to....just like the 55 people (about half of which weren't my actual SparkFriends!) did for me when I played my April Fool's joke. Some food for thought.

Must go and bake some cherry pound cakes for my cousin. How I got roped into this I don't know but I promised her I would do it. I actually don't enjoy baking despite all of "tools" of the trade I was given from my mom. She loved to bake and fed everybody in our neighbourhood with homemade cookies, bread, cakes, etc. She always tried to make healthy stuff out of normal recipes and nobody ever knew the difference.

Take care all! And it is so encouraging to know I would be missed if I ever left Spark!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOUNCYTIGGER76 4/6/2011 3:37PM

    Yeah I must say that was a good April fools blog. It is that kind of sick and twisted humor that I function on, plus up until reading it was an AF gag I was more than willing to walk up there and kick some butt. Well to be honest another one of my spark buddies in Canada was making some decadent cake and the more she described it I was thinking if I walk all the way from texas, I could have some friggin cake. And while I was up there I could motivate anyone who needed it. Mentally, of course considering I would have to walk all the way back to texas (I won't fly) I would have to conserve energy and leave physical but kicking to anyone who doesn't have to walk as far. As for the sweating some of us are just genetically inclined to sweat. I think about warm things and start sweating so just remember keep putting in as much water as you are losing and you will be fine.
Oh yeah and if you concerned some towels and extra deodorant probably wouldnt hurt either! LOL emoticon

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GAYLE-G-63 4/5/2011 1:52PM

    HI Susan,

I'm sorry I missed this on Sunday. Your thought about Spark friends was very insightful. Thanks for your thoughts and for being you.


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CHRISTINA791 4/5/2011 11:36AM

    Lots of good stuff to think about here.

I think it really shows just how much this process and the support of the community matters, even if people forget to show it from time to time. You're right - it's easy to reach out when someone calls for help, which is probably why you got the response you did, but it's harder just to check in and offer a word of support.

I've been finding it harder to keep up as my list has grown. I do make an effort to comb through the whole thing and pay a visit(sometimes I get it done over the course of the day, other times it takes a little longer). I figure that if I've added someone, it's for a reason. I do feel a little sad when I see the profiles that have gone without updates for months, and hope that it's because good things have been happening in the person's life that have taken them away from Spark.

Anyway, thank you for the reminder, the wise words and the sense of humour.

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BOVEY63 4/4/2011 11:44PM

    Awesome job on the walking!
I was so happy when I got to the bottom of your last blog and saw that it was an April Fool's Day joke - I also laughed my a$$ off.
You are so right about the importance of supporting each other - to me that is what makes SP extra special.
emoticon emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 4/4/2011 4:02PM

    Great job getting in the walks. I think the sweating is a good thing - shows you're putting in effort. emoticon

As to the comments, it's nice to know that so many sparkers will take the time to encourage someone when needed. I know it was a joke... but still goes to show the support that's available here if you reach out and ask for it. I love that.

I'm like you - I know how to bake, but don't really enjoy it. I'd rather be the diner than the chef! LOL Cherry pound cake is one of my favs.

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LESLIES537 4/4/2011 11:05AM

    emoticon...and YOU! emoticon Muah!

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    oh my goodness, can I just say that
#1 I am glad it was just a joke emoticon

#2 it goes to show that there is alot of support here emoticon

#3 Alot of people do care about you and what you are going through emoticon

#4 I am glad that I didn't have to put on my hikers and come over there and kick your Butt emoticon emoticon

Glad you had fun with April Fools. emoticon

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JHADZHIA 4/3/2011 11:25PM

    Well done with all the walking!!
That was a great response to your April fool's joke and does go to show the support on here, even from strangers!
When you are just starting out with something, you do sweat. As you get fitter and more used to it, will probably be less. My Mom, who is very fit, tends to sweat when she walks, but usually because she is overheated by being overdressed. She is one person who loves the cold and tolerates it well.
Keep up the great work!

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HOPEFULANGE 4/3/2011 9:33PM

    Wow 55! Goes to show how supportive this community is!

I also try to drop by the spark pages of friends I haven't heard from in awhile, but like you if I don't hear back for my efforts I'll stop. I've also come to learn that although I love this site and all my friends here, it's not for everyone! I've introduced two close friends to spark and although they were excited at first, they didn't stick around. I'm not pushy about it, though I do get dissapointed.

Hope the pound cake turns out well!

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VICKILYN4 4/3/2011 7:59PM

    I didn't use to sweat..even stripping and waxing floors in the dead of summer. But starting last summer I sweat like a pig now. Don't know why...maybe it is because of age. Glad it was a joke. Cause if it wasn't I was going to have to take vacation and come to Newfoundland (i know where it is..my dad had hunted there) and come find you. So glad you are staying.

love ya susan, emoticon Vicki

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REDWEASEL61 4/3/2011 7:53PM

    I was at my moms and did not read your april fools blog till today......good one Susan!!! I would be very sad to see you leave......I love your blogs and your sense of humor.....I will try to be more diligent about keeping in touch!


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KAMAPERRY 4/3/2011 7:00PM

    I love to sweat!! And at least you know we love you!

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S3XYDIVASMOM 4/3/2011 6:37PM

    I find that when I sweat is when the endorphins start to kick in. It's when exercise feels good. It doesn't happen often enough for me.

I'm really glad that you are not leaving Spark people. After all, I'd just committed to commenting on your tracking. I'm glad to do it. I think that's what Spark is all about.

I have friends who apparently have quit. They did not leave with a final note, and I sometimes wonder what happened and how their lives are going now.

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GOGIRLOLDER 4/3/2011 5:23PM

    Ha Ha...I was not on the computer for a couple of days and missed your post. I am glad you are not leaving!! I sweat like crazy when I do the 10 minute workouts.....walk/jogging not as much, but still some. I do notice since I lost 10 pounds it's a little better walk/jog, but still quite a bit with the coach Nicole DVD's. Have a great week! emoticon

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WEKIMER 4/3/2011 2:10PM

    Love your pretty background and so glad you are not leaving spark. You're right, Spark is a place for support and friends and so many people we never meet in real life but we feel like we've known them all of our lives. kim

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FIERCESTCALM 4/3/2011 1:53PM

    yep, I sweat a TON!!! I always have, even when I was 142 lbs I would be soaked in sweat. so, you're not alone there and after a good workout I have to take a shower and change clothes.

loved your joke! it was awesome.

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DRGOMTI 4/3/2011 1:26PM

    Thanx for the pep-talk, sues!! I am terrible at keeping in touch with people! It's crazy but all I have time for is reading all my sp articles/emails, your WONDERFUL blogs, n doing my tracking!! And of course my walk with winders. I don't know how kids that work outside the home, do it all??!! I know I don't manage my time very well. Oh crumbs, something else to work on. emoticon
oh ya, I sweat like a sweathog! : ))

Comment edited on: 4/3/2011 1:27:46 PM

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JLITT62 4/3/2011 11:45AM

    I sweat a lot. Always have. Mom never breaks a sweat. Sometimes life just isn't fair!

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NITELITE72 4/3/2011 11:31AM

    I did not read the "leaving" blog, but I am so glad you are not! I have been in a rut lately, so I appreciate the "wondering what they may be going through". I think I am recovered! LOL

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    Oh, you sure do put things well into words! You know, I know I have too many SparkFriends! I know I do! But how do you have too many? I guess I feel it because there are those who contact me, send me goodies, comment on my blog, that I miss thanking or reciprocating. Real life is NUTS for me these days, so when I can sit and Spark, it's a frantic race to reach out and keep up with what's going on! I'm SO glad you would NOT let me forget my Newfie friend! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AARONSGIRL420 4/3/2011 11:08AM

    Can I place an order for a cherry pound cake please?

And yes, when I was in the 200s I would sweat regularly from just walking. I still do now at 165, depending on temperature outside and the speed of my walk.

I don't mind sweat. There is always showers!

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