Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I've been absent for several days due to taking my Mom on a road trip to our capital city (yes, Ange, I was going to look you up but things got really hectic). Mom and I had a wonderful time together and despite our differences over the years have realized that we are more alike than either of us would like to acknowledge! We share a complete love of laughter and spent half of our trip wiping tears from our faces.
The hotel where we stayed had a Sci-fi convention going on which is a total foreign concept to my mother. We went to breakfast and were asked if we were there for the breakfast with Darth Vader to which my quiet mom pipes up, "sorry but we aren't dressed for the occasion but we could swing back to our hotel room and grab our winter hats and shower curtain for a quick costume!"
Then there were all these older men dressed in their housecoats and carrying wooden staffs.......I'm not sure why or what significance it was....but mom leans over to me and whispers....."crazy fools.....next thing you know they will be having Viagra conventions".
I'm feeling a lot better this week and the break did me the world of good. Spent more money than I should have (don't we all!) but not on clothes. I got so discouraged trying on clothes and not liking the Pillsbury Doughboy look. Even the plus-sizes were a failure....I seem to be between sizes which I suppose is a step in the right direction. Ended up with one t-shirt and two pairs of pj pants.
Oh, to get to the title of my blog......today I turned 45 years old! I`m not where I was hoping to be weight-wise, but I have come a long way with my physical fitness in the last year. I know I`m on the right path and Spark is so embedded in my soul that I will never, ever, be able to kick the life lessons it has taught me out of my self-consciousness. Talk about a great birthday gift and one I gave myself! Makes me wonder what will happen over the next 45 years.....
Are any of you familiar with the now-deceased Canadian singer-songwriter Stan Rogers (something is gone crazy with my keyboard and when I type in a question mark this is what I get É) Anyway, he did a great song called ``Forty-five years from now`that is OUR song. Try to google it....it sums us up and is kinda apt for today.
My darling husband gave me a nice pair of gold hoops, some perfume and a Tilley hat. I don`t know if many out there are familiar with Tilley hats (I personally call them the Silly Hats) but they are practical and this one is a nice taupe shade to keep the harsh sun off of my freckled face! I wore on on my trip to Australia (years ago now) and found it great but this time I went for a more modern look. Anyway, I`m not wearing it for looks....thank goodness! I will post a picture when I get brave!
Will get back on to bandwagon tomorrow because I know this program works for me!
Thank you all for being such an important part of my life!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Thank you to all who left such wonderful and caring comments on my last blog. It means alot to me to have this forum in which to pour out my heart and soul and to have such supportive responses. Some of you wondered if your comments were too harsh but that is the reality I face when I dare to express what is going on in my head. I know you are all right and would never take offence to anything you say because I know it is said in a caring way.
I do have so much to live for and yet, when the beast is upon me, I fail to see how blessed my life really is. Thank you all for reminding me of that!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Well, it seems I owe a lot of you an apology since yesterday I slashed my SparkFriend list in just about half. I was getting totally overwhelmed because I was feeling guilty that I couldn't keep up with all of you. I like to keep in close touch with my SparkFriends so I know what is going on in their lives. Maybe then I feel less guilty about spilling my private life on a blog.
Several of you (and I knew which ones would reach out) have noticed that I haven't blogged in about 5 days. That's not long, I realize, but it has been long for me. Do you want to know the reason? I've succumbed to one of the worse episodes of depression that I've had since I was hospitalized several years ago. Back then I was entertaining suicidal thoughts and I admitted myself to the hospital as a preventative measure.
I'm mad, I'm confused, I'm tired and I wanted to basically throw in the towel. About two months ago, I became very anxious which abated a week after it started. Then last month it came on again and I ended up taking a month off of work. While I was lying in bed yesterday sobbing my heart out, I think I came up with a pattern and maybe a cause. Could it be perimenopause? Maybe, I'm grasping at straws but I've never been one to have wild mood swings. I'm pretty easy going and most people never know that I could be the poster woman for Depression.
Am I also sad that I will be turning 45 in a week? Am I sad that I haven't been losing weight as I think I should be? Am I anxious that our finances are getting tight? Am I afraid my husband will have to leave home after June to find work? Am I worried about falling back into old patterns when I'm laid off (until September) in 10 days? The answer to all of these questions is yes. But it still doesn't explain how bad I've been feeling for one week per month for the past three months!
Oh, as to turning 45, it really isn't a big deal. Age is yet another number of which we have no control. I think I had envisioned turing 45 being 30 pounds lighter and feeling great about it but if I'm lucky I will only have 15 pounds gone and even that is doubtful.
Over the weekend, we left to drive across the river where we walk. The dogs barked so much on the way over that my nerves were gone. I decided to stay in the car and let them walk with John. But, the little buggers got out and sat by the car and wouldn't leave "mommy". I did manage to walk them yesterday and the day before but my heart wasn't in it and all I wanted was to be left alone. I even gathered a blanket and went outside and sat in the fresh air to see if that would make me feel better.
The thing is, I can't talk about any of this in "the moment". If any of you have ever suffered any degree of mental illness, I hope you can relate to what I am about to say. When I get like this, my thoughts all become quite jumbled and there is like a thick mesh of gossamer blocking my words from spilling out through my mouth even though they are racing through my head. I feel if I open my mouth, nothing will come out only a deep keening wail.
Yesterday was especially bad, people are work stopped me and asked if all was okay because I looked "empty" and I just went about my motions and couldn't speak to anybody. I know my eyes get empty and dull (the eyes are, afterall, the mirrors to the soul) and I would be quite content to be left totally alone. But then the thoughts get me. Can I go through this again? Would the world be better off without me? Why do people like me; because they don't really know me? My dogs would love anybody so I'm nothing special? My husband wouldn't be saddled with me and my moods and would be a free man? My mother wouldn't worry about me? My brother lives so far away, I'm sure I'm not much to him.
When I say I'm moody, I rarely ever get angry but I do get really contemplative and sometimes what I'm contemplating is pretty dark. When I'm feeling good I really can't relate to any of this. I'm writing this on the cusp of hopefully coming out of this latest mood disturbance so I can read back through it. I'm writing this just as much for me as I am for you. I've got to remember that life is good, and that this too will pass.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Here is another fine example of my nonsensical attempt at poetry:
The sun is out, the grass is still white
I've got my dinner planned out for tonight!
Yes, it is a beautiful sunny day here and if you can overlook the minus temperatures and the ground still snow-covered, you might just think Spring has arrived. Now, don't go worrying because this is what Spring is like in NL!
Yesterday was a write off for me nutritionally but I did get out to walk the hounds and to do some business for Central Paws. I'm thinking I could be coming down with something because my energy is zapped an my throat is itchy. That would explain the lack of motivation over the past two days.
Today, however, I've already got a load of laundry done (which I will hang outdoors when I go home lunchtime) and I have chicken breasts thawing out for supper. Sounds like a BBQ kind of day (yes, we still BBQ in below zero temperatures) and a baked potato, steamed broccoli and steamed carrot kind of day. I think that is our very favourite meal!
What about your favourite meals? Are you willing to share? I panfried some cod earlier this week (my very first attempt) and we seem to have loads of cod in our freezer. It was done in olive oil and wasn't over the top with calories. We are also big fans of strawberry spinach salad. That being said, I think my very favourite meal on earth has to be a cup of tea (made over an open fire in the woods) and a peanut butter sandwich made on fresh whole wheat bread. Toss in a banana or a pear and I'm a happy camper! I guess I would never make it as a food connoiseur!
Do many of you drink tea? I don't drink much of it although Newfoundlanders are known for loving their cuppas! Especially with tin milk (Carnation) and a Purity jam-jam cookie!
Why am I writing about food this morning? I think it is because I am hungry although I did eat my normal breakfast. I've got my 8 cups of water in too but all that did was make me cold and rushing to the washroom. I'm starting to think I should just stand over the toilet and let the water flow through me!
Have a great day in your little corner of the world!
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