Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I know many of you viewed my blog title and said to yourselves, what does she mean, "time off and wondering what to do with it, I wish I had some time off"
Well, it is not the simple. When you are physically ill, you are sent home to mend and you usually have some restrictions to your lifestyle. When you live with mental illness, there are no outward symptoms, and you are sent home "to relax". Hmmmm,,. such an easy concept but how does one do it?
It seems like the things we take for granted are so fleeting. I just spend about 30 minutes sitting outdoors in the sunshine.....yes, it was -5 but at least it was sunny and I was dressed for it. I took a cup of coffee out to the patio with me and sat on the warm boards and just watched the dogs chase the birds at the feeders.
I am so sleepy which I am blaming on the increases of the new medications. It will take a week or so for it to build up in my system so right now I'm sort of doing things when I have the energy and sitting back when I don't. Last night I had an energy burst around 10:00 p.m. so I took the dogs for a thirty minute walk.
So, that is where I am right now. I'm doing what I can, when I can. Oh, about my appointment yesterday. I finally confessed to my doctor (through tears, I might add) that I dread having the Pap test done because I am afraid of the knife. He looked at me and said, have you ever seen what we use to gather the sample? I told him I thought it was a single blade knife (why else would I bleed) . Once they showed me the actual tool and told me some relaxation tips, I was a lot better. He also explained that the uterine muscles are not stretched in woman who have never had a baby or have infrequent sex. Well, that helped explain things too. Funny, how we often too afraid to express our concerns, isn't it.
Today, my focus in on breathing and taking one minute as it comes. I might stretch out for a quick nap and then take the beasts out for some more fresh air. Thanks for reading and I will try to catch up with all of you over the week!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Happy to report that it is a beautiful sunny day here and that I'm alive and well. Ok, that is the only positive thing I'm going to write about so if you don't want to see the "negative" side of me, please stop reading
Still with me? I don't know what is wrong with me. I know I've been feeling blah the past few weeks but I'm really doing my best to sabotage all of my progress. What scares me is that I know I'm doing it and it is like I really couldn't care less. This is not like me.
I know I've let the nutrition part of my journey get derailed over the past few weeks but I was getting outdoors to walk everyday. Now, this is the second day that I just couldn't be bothered. I even admitted to my husband that I know it would make me feel better but still, they are gone without me and I'm home moping about. I wish somebody, preferably one of my SparkFriends would pop out of my computer screen and smack me up the side of my head. Really, I do!
I've been eating really gross stuff, not drinking my water, not eating breakfast, hardly getting any fruits/vegetables in, etc. I'm aware of this but still I only manage to stuff my face and think about it afterwards.
The ironic part of all this is that my mental state could clearly only improve if my physical state was reborn! I'm thirsty all the time (I used to drink my 8 glasses of water), my skin is dry and tight, I'm practically constipated, my skin is breaking out (from the KING size fruit and nut bars and salt and vinegar chips), I haven't cooked a meal since Sunday.
Has anybody out there ever gone through this? I think I'm a rational human being and although I know I'm doing everything wrong at the moment I can't seem to change. Dear god, am I that stupid? Maybe I'll go outside and knock my own head against the snowbanks to knock some sense into me.
Last night I walked up the stairs from our basement and I was winded and out of breath when I reached the top. My husband was shocked because I don't get out of breath from walking 2-3 km but one set of steps did me in. I am going on Monday to have my yearly checkup done so I will mention this to my doctor but I'm thinking it is the change in medications.
I really don't know and I kind of feel really silly writing this blog.
Hope you are all well and forgive me for being so blasted negative! I really try not to be but I'm mad at myself!
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Happy Tuesday everybody and if anybody knows me well, they will know that I really dread Tuesdays for some strange reason. Can't quite wrap my head around that one but I have felt that way about poor, helpless Tuesdays for longer than I can remember! Of course, I'm the weird one that actually likes Mondays!
Anyway, I digress. My blog title today is about my "mental" state. If you've been reading my blogs, you will know that I had a very mild flare up of depression over the past few weeks and I have taken a few weeks off from work to re-focus. After trying to fight its approach, I did what three doctors told me to do (yes, I'm bit of a slow-learner too) and that was to up one of my medications. What a difference 25 mg can make in a matter of four or five days!
Now, it also might have something to do with taking the time off work, or having my husband home this week (spring reading break at his college), or it might all be in my mind. But regardless, I am feeling much better! I'm not looking for answers because I'm too busy appreciating how good I feel.
I also have a light therapy box that I sit in front of on bleak days. I've been using that for the past week and catch up on some fun reading while I sit there for thirty minutes. Again, it could be all in my head but I don't care!
A few of you commented on my new profile picture and your comments blew me away! It was just a shot I took myself and to hear that I look happy and pretty?! Me?! Guys, it is just me. I just had my grays covered up at the hairdresser and the very ends trimmed off my hair but your comments made me laugh. I really don't think I am pretty at all but I do love that my wrinkling ol' eyes are full of mischief! That is the true me...always scheming up funny things to do.
So, how do I claim to be depressed? I often thought I wore a mask so people wouldn't know but now I am actually more open about it. My face is the picture of depression because you never know who suffers from it and who doesn't. I get the weirdest responses when I tell people I suffer from mental illness....a) they laugh out loud because they don't think I'm serious, b) I get to hear "but you look so happy", c) thank you for telling me because I alwayst thought depressed people somehow looked "depressed".
So, now you all have a picture of what I look like. Mental illness is all around us but because it is often invisible, we tend to not "see" it. I'm astonished that I can say this but I'm actually glad I have depression as it has taught me so much. I'm not going to die from it but it makes me humble and definitely makes me appreciate each day as it comes.
Thanks for reading! I am truly honoured to be SparkFriends with all of you!
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