Monday, March 21, 2011
Now that I have you all frightened to death, let me assure you that the accident I am talking about occurred two years ago and Maddy is fine now! I am only sharing these photos because I wanted to a) show you miracles do happen, b) the marvelous work our vets did to save Maddy and c) my determination
About two years ago, Maddy chased a van on a snow covered woods road and despite the driver making all attempts to avoid contact, Maddy ended up flattened underneath the front tire. And, when I say, flattened, I do mean flattened. He was on his back when I got to him, and the tire was gone between his hind legs and had just stopped short of his neck. Basically he was spread-eagled with the weight of an industrial van on his stomach. Need I remind you he weighs 10 pounds!
As you can see, he was in very bad shape and it was basically touch and go for several weeks but he needed a lot of care for about four-five months. We took turns and slept on the living room floor with him.....here is a picture of one of John's turns.
As bad as this looks, he made a full recovery and was the very first dog in Newfoundland to be treated with the particular treatment for his back. His fur grew back except for one smallish spot but his bushy tail covers that up!
Anyway, I might be accused to trying to gross you out with the pictures but they are there for a purpose. It was a miracle that saved Maddy's life and a lot of stubbornness (on his part) and work on our part. His wounds oozed so much I washed his bedding several times a day, he had to be medicated (not for pain but to keep him from doing too much), he had to have boiled chicken prepared daily. I took a month off unpaid to stay home with him just to keep him company and we played soothing music for him.
What does this have to do with my current journey? Well, there are a lot of similarities This journey is going to take pure stubbornness and determination on my part and I need to care for my body much the same way we cared for Maddy's. I have to exercise enough to lose weight but not too much to hurt my lower back. I need to prepare homecooked meals and just maybe some soothing music could help me relax.
To help me deal with some of the blame, guilt, etc I have avoided walking on the beautiful road where this accident happened....until this morning! I decided that the time was here to go back to that spot and to take on my inner demons. I felt sad when I passed the spot where impact occurred but overall I felt I had accomplished something. Maddy didn't seem to notice where he was and Lou was just really excited to be outdoors. The road leads to a tree nursery so all along the sides are rows and rows of beautiful pines, etc.
So that was my accomplishment for today....to tackle old fears and move on in yet another direction.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Happy Spring to all my Spark Friends in the northern hemisphere! It is another beautiful day here although still a bit nippy at -2 degrees c. at lunch hour. Walked 4.5 km this morning and still needed a wool hat and hood pulled up but it was well worth it. Yesterday we had more snow but it is melting quickly so you know that spring in NL canít be that far away.
Iím feeling much better than I was and Iím proud to say this is day three of anxiety-freedom! Funny thing is, I basically went back to the original dose of my anti-depressants (Celexa and Seroquel), and cut out the Ativan and the sleeping pills. Iím a stubborn olí cuss and Iím sort of making myself keep busy to keep the anxiety at bay.
Iím also on Day three of the Beck Diet solution and so far, Iíve learned several things about myself. I eat like a two-tonne Annie, I eat because Iím afraid of being hungry, and my number one reason for being involved with Spark is so I can feel like Iíve accomplished something. The latter is actually a good thing, by the way!
As of today, Iím back to logging what I eat and Iím going to try to resume the water consumption. I am also going to focus more on meal planning so Iím not making rash, unhealthy, last-minute meal decisions. I KNOW I have to focus more on breakfast and lunch so Iíll be less likely to stuff myself late at night.
Iím going to share with you my silly little ďreminderĒ plan..laugh if you will! I went out and bought fancy sticky notes (ones in different colours and star-shapedÖthat cost an arm and a leg more than regular ones!) and have written encouraging words, little hints, reminders, etc , on them. I have them on the handle of the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, inside my wallet, etc. I also have reminders sent to myself on my cell phone to review my reasons for wanting to change my lifestyle (which is part of the Beck program). I want to put them in the car too but Iím afraid of what Johnís carpool buddies will think when they read ďDonít eat it, fat arseĒ, or ďDonít get constipatedĒ messages stuck on the dashboard!!!! HA!!!!
Oh, one other tidbit to share although you all probably know about this little trick. Despite being the complexion I am, I despise sunscreen especially on my face. It makes my face all white and shiny. I mentioned this to somebody and they gave me a great suggestion. Now, before I go out, I put a blob of sunscreen on my finger tips, tap them together several times, and then tap it on my face. It doesnít rub my face (need, I remind you Iím a redhead and have the red cheeks to prove how sensitive my face is), it doesnít look white and I feel better that Iím doing something good for me. Right now I am using Clinique Solar Smart SPF 50 face cream. Anybody got any other suggestions for facial sunscreens?
P.S. Does anybody notice my not-so-sexy "fit-over" sunglasses on my head? John says I look like an alien when I wear them over my other glasses........
Friday, March 18, 2011
Iím up a wee bit earlier than usual this morning (how about 4:30 a.m.) and have just watched yet another episode of Criminal Minds. Gotta wonder sometimes if shows like that put crazy ideas into the minds of the worldís nutcases but I guess that is what North Americanís want to watch. Sorry, Iím not about to start a debate about the pros and cons of what we choose to be entertained by.
Anyway, after that, I started browsing through some of your blogs and I got to thinking about how lucky we all are to have one another. I know we all have our own friends and families but nobody really knows what this journey is all about unless theyíve walked along its pathway for a few miles. Even the days when ďhealthy livingĒ is the furthest thing from my mind, you guys keep me entertained, motivated, and in touch! I read your blogs, I cheer your accomplishments, I understand your setbacks, but most importantly, I am getting to see life through your eyes.
I think we all began this journey thinking that we were somehow different and that while this plan might work for some, it might not work for us because of reasons a, b, or c. But this is about making it work and for each one of us, that might take different amounts of effort. We are all in different parts of the world, yet I know (thanks to your wonderful blogs) the challenges of your own journeys.
I know in a perfect world, we would have personal chefs and personal trainers and we would always be motivated to do our best. But the reality is, most of us have days when a preparing a package of Kraft Dinner is the best we can do or when weíve had so many errands to run that we simply do not have the stamina to do ďrealĒ exercise. That is what I love about you guys. By writing your blogs, you are letting others know that life is not perfect and even in times of adversity, we CAN do this. Every day is not going to be our best, we are going to slip up, but we do so with the knowledge that someone, somewhere out there in ďSparkLandĒ can relate and nudge us back to the beaten path.
Iíve gone through a rough patch lately where I not only fell off the path but got so entangled in the underbrush that I couldnít find my way out. But there you were, all of you, spreading little breadcrumbs of knowledge and encouragement that Iíve brushed myself off. I might be shaky on my feet right now but Iím going to do my best knowing that all of you somehow care enough for a total stranger that you are going to let me lean on you when the times get tough!
Thank you for reading and, more importantly, thank you for being such an inspiration to me
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
It is a beautiful sunny day here in central Newfoundland with a glorious temperature of 5 degrees. Trust me I'm really being appreciative and not sarcastic! I debated hanging laundry on the line today but figured it was a bit too cool for it to dry properly and there is nothing worse than taking half-frozen jeans off the clothes line and fighting with them to fit into the dryer door! Anybody familiar with that?
Walked a bit further today than I have been doing and I have the red cheeks and two very dirty dogs to prove it. I was kind of worried about the state the car was getting in but figured there will always be a car and there won't always be time to share with Maddy and Lou.
I know I am really behind with my goals I set back in late August but right now I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. I started at 224 and wanted to have 30 pounds gone by Feb 1st. but in reality I'm back up to about 210. Crap! I know it is not all about the weight....but still, it can be a bit disappointing.
Of course, it would be even more disappointing if I was really trying, but I'm not. There, I said it, I've admitted it to myself and more importantly, I've admitted to all of you. I'm starting to think (duh, it is times like this that I feel like I was born with a negative IQ) that I just might be an emotional eater. I've never really understood that whole concept and thus thought it was something other people were and not me.
Of course, I'm only surmising this based on the fact that my caloric intake and my mental state are somehow connected on a level that I don't understand. If I'm really low, I don't eat all day and then after supper have been know to eat the door, hinges, handle of the fridge itself, plus all its contents and tacky magnets on the outside. I eat mindlessly.....I'm sure if my husband put some dog biscuits in front of me I'd be halfway through the box before I realized what I was eating.
Many of you are going tsk, tsk, tsk (don't lie, I can see you doing it) and if anybody told me about this, I would think the same. My advice to them would be to plan ahead. Eat something healthy, eat often, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So, I stand if front of you all and ask, am I an emotional eater? If I don't feel like eating I don't but then I think I should eat something because heaven forbid I might "magically melt" away and then eat without thinking. "Open mouth and enter all you empty calories......because I don't care" The thing is, I must care or else why would I be pouring out my soul to all of you?
Ah, to take a break, from my own ramblings...........................whew..
As I wrote about earlier, I bought the book called The Beck solution a few days ago. I am sort of scanning through it right now but I am eager to start. I'm taking that as a good sign. Another good sign is that I'm managing to get out each day to walk. Oh, and the best sign of all is that I'm still on this side of the sod! Thank goodness!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I know many of you viewed my blog title and said to yourselves, what does she mean, "time off and wondering what to do with it, I wish I had some time off"
Well, it is not the simple. When you are physically ill, you are sent home to mend and you usually have some restrictions to your lifestyle. When you live with mental illness, there are no outward symptoms, and you are sent home "to relax". Hmmmm,,. such an easy concept but how does one do it?
It seems like the things we take for granted are so fleeting. I just spend about 30 minutes sitting outdoors in the sunshine.....yes, it was -5 but at least it was sunny and I was dressed for it. I took a cup of coffee out to the patio with me and sat on the warm boards and just watched the dogs chase the birds at the feeders.
I am so sleepy which I am blaming on the increases of the new medications. It will take a week or so for it to build up in my system so right now I'm sort of doing things when I have the energy and sitting back when I don't. Last night I had an energy burst around 10:00 p.m. so I took the dogs for a thirty minute walk.
So, that is where I am right now. I'm doing what I can, when I can. Oh, about my appointment yesterday. I finally confessed to my doctor (through tears, I might add) that I dread having the Pap test done because I am afraid of the knife. He looked at me and said, have you ever seen what we use to gather the sample? I told him I thought it was a single blade knife (why else would I bleed) . Once they showed me the actual tool and told me some relaxation tips, I was a lot better. He also explained that the uterine muscles are not stretched in woman who have never had a baby or have infrequent sex. Well, that helped explain things too. Funny, how we often too afraid to express our concerns, isn't it.
Today, my focus in on breathing and taking one minute as it comes. I might stretch out for a quick nap and then take the beasts out for some more fresh air. Thanks for reading and I will try to catch up with all of you over the week!
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