Thursday, March 10, 2011
Happy to report that it is a beautiful sunny day here and that I'm alive and well. Ok, that is the only positive thing I'm going to write about so if you don't want to see the "negative" side of me, please stop reading
Still with me? I don't know what is wrong with me. I know I've been feeling blah the past few weeks but I'm really doing my best to sabotage all of my progress. What scares me is that I know I'm doing it and it is like I really couldn't care less. This is not like me.
I know I've let the nutrition part of my journey get derailed over the past few weeks but I was getting outdoors to walk everyday. Now, this is the second day that I just couldn't be bothered. I even admitted to my husband that I know it would make me feel better but still, they are gone without me and I'm home moping about. I wish somebody, preferably one of my SparkFriends would pop out of my computer screen and smack me up the side of my head. Really, I do!
I've been eating really gross stuff, not drinking my water, not eating breakfast, hardly getting any fruits/vegetables in, etc. I'm aware of this but still I only manage to stuff my face and think about it afterwards.
The ironic part of all this is that my mental state could clearly only improve if my physical state was reborn! I'm thirsty all the time (I used to drink my 8 glasses of water), my skin is dry and tight, I'm practically constipated, my skin is breaking out (from the KING size fruit and nut bars and salt and vinegar chips), I haven't cooked a meal since Sunday.
Has anybody out there ever gone through this? I think I'm a rational human being and although I know I'm doing everything wrong at the moment I can't seem to change. Dear god, am I that stupid? Maybe I'll go outside and knock my own head against the snowbanks to knock some sense into me.
Last night I walked up the stairs from our basement and I was winded and out of breath when I reached the top. My husband was shocked because I don't get out of breath from walking 2-3 km but one set of steps did me in. I am going on Monday to have my yearly checkup done so I will mention this to my doctor but I'm thinking it is the change in medications.
I really don't know and I kind of feel really silly writing this blog.
Hope you are all well and forgive me for being so blasted negative! I really try not to be but I'm mad at myself!
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Happy Tuesday everybody and if anybody knows me well, they will know that I really dread Tuesdays for some strange reason. Can't quite wrap my head around that one but I have felt that way about poor, helpless Tuesdays for longer than I can remember! Of course, I'm the weird one that actually likes Mondays!
Anyway, I digress. My blog title today is about my "mental" state. If you've been reading my blogs, you will know that I had a very mild flare up of depression over the past few weeks and I have taken a few weeks off from work to re-focus. After trying to fight its approach, I did what three doctors told me to do (yes, I'm bit of a slow-learner too) and that was to up one of my medications. What a difference 25 mg can make in a matter of four or five days!
Now, it also might have something to do with taking the time off work, or having my husband home this week (spring reading break at his college), or it might all be in my mind. But regardless, I am feeling much better! I'm not looking for answers because I'm too busy appreciating how good I feel.
I also have a light therapy box that I sit in front of on bleak days. I've been using that for the past week and catch up on some fun reading while I sit there for thirty minutes. Again, it could be all in my head but I don't care!
A few of you commented on my new profile picture and your comments blew me away! It was just a shot I took myself and to hear that I look happy and pretty?! Me?! Guys, it is just me. I just had my grays covered up at the hairdresser and the very ends trimmed off my hair but your comments made me laugh. I really don't think I am pretty at all but I do love that my wrinkling ol' eyes are full of mischief! That is the true me...always scheming up funny things to do.
So, how do I claim to be depressed? I often thought I wore a mask so people wouldn't know but now I am actually more open about it. My face is the picture of depression because you never know who suffers from it and who doesn't. I get the weirdest responses when I tell people I suffer from mental illness....a) they laugh out loud because they don't think I'm serious, b) I get to hear "but you look so happy", c) thank you for telling me because I alwayst thought depressed people somehow looked "depressed".
So, now you all have a picture of what I look like. Mental illness is all around us but because it is often invisible, we tend to not "see" it. I'm astonished that I can say this but I'm actually glad I have depression as it has taught me so much. I'm not going to die from it but it makes me humble and definitely makes me appreciate each day as it comes.
Thanks for reading! I am truly honoured to be SparkFriends with all of you!
Sunday, March 06, 2011
I'm in a really weird mood today and despite a headache could just laugh about anything. Mind you, I think it is true gift to be able to laugh at oneself or either that, it's a sign you are mentally ill. I think I fit both categories!
First of all, the morning started with Lou deciding to climb over the snow bank and fence in our garden to get closer to the doggies in the garden to our diagonal. This was before 8:00 a.m. and thankfully the others doggies weren't outdoors or else everyone would have been awakened from a sound sleep by moaning and crying dogs. By the time my husband got dressed to go get her, she had walked back over to our garden. Being the BDR (big, dumb retreiver) that she is, she got all excited to see "daddy" in the next garden, jumped back over the fence and scratched her lower belly on the fence pickets! She cried a little bit and let us look at it but it is only a scratch so she if fine. But then she came in and acted all sicky-poo and wanted rubs and hugs. Maddy seeing that Lou is getting all the attention, promptly rolled over to his back demanding the same! I'm telling you there is never a dull moment!
Okay, so we went for our normal walk and when we came home I decided to dig out one of the exericse videos I received for Christmas. The one I chose was Spark's Fit, Fired and Firm. Picture me still dressed in my longjohns (from our walk), trying to do lower body exercises with two curious dogs underfoot! I managed to do the ten minutes twice and then had to pee........that is about when I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror.........OMG...... I looked exactly like Camilla Parker Bowles on a bad hair day! Seriously!!!!! My husband, who is nearly bald, claims people pay to have thick hair like mine but I sincerely doubt it....not the way it looks right now.
Anyway, I walked back into the living room still laughing at my attire and my 'do when I noticed my husband had our local community channel on tv. It was a repeat of a gospel concert our local SPCA put off several weeks ago. We knew some of the performers so we watched......again, all was going well until a friend of ours got up and said he was going to sing a duet with the missus "acapulco"!!!! I really think he meant "a cappella" as in without music but I nearly fell to the floor in laughter!!! I don't think he will live that one down....charity or not! Ha!
Oh, in closing I have to add a picture of my cousin's two dogs. This is especially for Tempest272002 as one of the dogs in the picture looks something like what her dog will grow into.
Willow is the black and white one and Maggie is the Husky cross with the mismatched eyes! Maggie will be four tomorrow and was abadoned at 4 weeks old and Willow was the very first dog I was involved with rescuing. She is about 8 years old.
I must go and hop into the shower to see if I can calm down the hair!!!! Hope I made some of you smile!
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Well, it turns out I slept a lot better last night when I increased my medication and stopped taking the sleeping pills.
Woke up totally energized and was out in the fresh air and -10 temperatures before 9:00 a.m. with John, Maddy and Lou. Oh, and heaven forbid, I forget to include Lou's frisbee because she now insists on taking it along on our walks. The frisbee is a red, rubber Kong brand and when she grabs hold of it, the thing bends, turns inside out and looks like a big set of lips! It is too funny! That and she runs up to us and whacks us in leg with it if we don't pretend to chase her!
On this mornings jaunt, they saw a bunny rabbit and all hell broke loose! Maddy was way over his head in snow by the time his paws landed and looked so pathetic. Lou, on the otherhand, somehow thought the bunny was a squirrel and sat under a tree and howled at its branches! That is the thing when you adopt/rescue a dog....no idea if they're slow learners.....Ha!!!!
Came home and had a short nap with my two buddies before we headed back to the same place to walk again. Maddy did his very best to catch a skidoo for us and Lou beat herself out with the silly frisbee. They will certainly sleep well tonight....as will I, hopefully!
Just finished making an apple crisp that I found on Spark......talk about yummy! I resisted the urge to run down to the grocery store to pick up some vanilla ice-cream to have with it but I think it is pretty darned tasty without it. Definitely a keeper recipe!
Here is it just in case you are interested:
3 medium apples, cored and sliced thin (I did not peel my apples)
1 tsp cinnamon
2 TB sugar
2 TB flour
Mix the cinnamon, flour and sugar together. Arrange your apple slices (in a 9 inch baking dish)
and sprinkle the spice mixture in layers between the apples.
In a medium bowl, combine:
1 cup quick oats
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 TB heart healthy margarine
Place the oat mixture on top of the apples. Bake uncovered at 325 for approximately 30 minutes.
I vary the amount of apples and the amount of sugar because I don't like things too sweet.
This recipe was submitted by BLESSEDW/3
Anyway, I hope you are all doing well and are having a relaxing weekend. I'll try to get in touch with each of you later on in the week!
Friday, March 04, 2011
Before you read any further I want to reassure you all that this blog has nothing whatsover to do with chicken but I figured I would be a good way to make more SparkFriends. I seem to have a good few but I only hear from the regulars (which I am very thankful for) but nobody new seems to read and/or comment. I think that is my way of saying I need to shake things up!
I've been in a funk lately dealing with SAD. I'm really weird in that I suffer the most from it during the spring and actually enjoy winter. I always knew I was a bit different but this is getting out of hand! Just for once I wish I was normal. Nah, I take that back.
I'm going to up my medication tonight and will not take the sleeping pills. The latter is knocking me out way too much to the point where I feel like I am stoned throughout the next day. I took one last evening....about 22 hours ago and I still feel drugged. I spoke to my pharmacist and he thinks the dose is too strong. So, I'm about to follow my doctor's suggestion and up my antidepressant by 25mg for a week to see if I feel any different. Again, I checked this out with my pharmacist and he said I should notice an improvement (if one is to be had) within a week.
Funny thing is I'm not feeling actually depressed but more like anxiety. I am still getting out doors to walk the dogs and I'm not feeling all gloomy like I have in the past. Mental illness is a weird old thing let me tell you.
Maddy (our Pomeranian) had to go to the vet yesterday for his yearly dental and they ended up pulling out three more of his wee little teeth. When we picked him up he could barely stand up and was acting like Keith Richards (stoned) all night and well into today. He seemed hungry so they suggested I give him some chicken and rice (well, it turns out I did mention chicken in my blog) which I cooked from scratch and the little buggar gobbled it all down. Lou put on her best "I'm sick too" face so she was given some of mommy's home cooking along with her DNC....dry nasty crap.....dog food. She was happy not to be left out.
Tonight I am going out with my group of humane society friends to rescue a little kitten. I think we have a home lined up which is really making me feel good. In last night's community newspaper there was an article about a dog in a neighbouring community who walked out on sea ice and was afraid to come back because the water opened up. A woman (a stranger to the dog) saw this, called the fire department, the dog was rescued and the first thing the dog did was walk over to the woman to get a big hug. And people think that animals can't think!!!!
I must go and get out of my pjs....it is supper time and I'm still in them! I'm going to force myself out the door for some fresh air and for a short walk with my canine buddies. Not sure if Maddy is up to it yet so my husband will serve as the car escort!
In closing, thank you for reading. I hope one day to meet some of you face to face to personally thank you for being such a inspiration to me along my journey!
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