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Just a pile of words tumbling around in my mind.......

Sunday, March 13, 2011


Today's blog, unfortunately, will just be a pile of words that have been tumbling around in my mind. I have no gumption to put much thought into what I'm writing and especially not when my mind is racing.

I really would like to thank all of you who commented so lovingly on my last blog. Not one of you condemned my sabotaging efforts but rather gave some insight as to why I was behaving this way.

I did follow some of your advice and have managed a trip to the grocery store and I made it out for several walks with my dogs. The latter was most humiliating as my legs turned to jelly and I was so out of breath that I only managed half of the normal route. At least is was some fresh air.

Tomorrow I am going for my annual checkup. I will get routine blood work done which should point out if the trouble I am having is physically oriented or this the new and improved version of depression.

I am scheduled to return to work in a week's time but that might change if the medication doesn't kick in. It is like I am seeing/feeling everything through a fog which is the most unsettling feeling. I make myself get up each morning as usual and try to keep some routine going but usually just fall in a heap at midday.

This is a recent picture of my brother and his partner. I am including it here and on my Sparkpage because they are really behind my "journey" all the way. Right now I will take all encouragement I can find!

Well, that is about it.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

S3XYDIVASMOM 3/13/2011 10:38PM

    I think it's commendable that you are still making the effort. I've had a week of slackerism without even the excuse that I've felt out of sorts. I'm hoping the visit to the doctor will be informative.

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KAMAPERRY 3/13/2011 8:03PM

    So glad you have your brother's support!! I am proud of you for that walk!!! You tried, and just increase it little by little and don't overhwhelm your self!! Good luck with the dr! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 3/13/2011 7:00PM

    I'm glad you're going to the doctor. Please be sure to have them check your thyroid. I thought I was suffering from depression & felt like I was walking under water all the time.

I'm glad you're still blogging. You don't have to make everything shine & be pretty for us. No well-crafted sentences required. We're here to support you!


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DRGOMTI 3/13/2011 6:37PM

    Hey! you got out n walked!! Congratulations!! Funny thing, so did I today! : )) n like you, I couldn't do my whole woodsie walk but I managed to get up the 1st hill thru the melting snow n tomorrow I'll go alittle farther. Windy was very happy about it too! Then when I got home I had enough energy to sweep n vacuum the attached garage, n cleaned out Windys toy box. We found her old Kong frisbie, n all kinds of other FUN toys that she hasn't seen for a while!!! Oh boy Oh boy!!! So I get to track a few fitness minutes today! emoticon
Good luck at your appt tomorrow!!! Your meds will kick in more in a few weeks, n then the weather might give us alittle more sun n we'll be on the mend! Hang in there Susan!!
emoticon dr

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JHADZHIA 3/13/2011 2:34PM

    Hope your medication does work.. Glad you were able to at least get out for a bit!
Awesome you have a brother backing you up! You need real life support and those two guys look like they would be lots of fun to be around!
Good luck with your check up tomorrow!

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DDBRENNE 3/13/2011 2:28PM

  This pile of words is good therapy. Keep on taking the journay. It is good to have family with you on it.

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LESLIES537 3/13/2011 2:27PM

    I'm going to have to go back and read the blogs I missed...(I'm sorry!!!) Just want to say I love you.



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JLITT62 3/13/2011 2:25PM

    Sorry you're still feeling so blah. Hopefully the longer days & spring will help make a difference.

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Why am I doing this to myself?

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Happy to report that it is a beautiful sunny day here and that I'm alive and well. Ok, that is the only positive thing I'm going to write about so if you don't want to see the "negative" side of me, please stop reading

Still with me? I don't know what is wrong with me. I know I've been feeling blah the past few weeks but I'm really doing my best to sabotage all of my progress. What scares me is that I know I'm doing it and it is like I really couldn't care less. This is not like me.

I know I've let the nutrition part of my journey get derailed over the past few weeks but I was getting outdoors to walk everyday. Now, this is the second day that I just couldn't be bothered. I even admitted to my husband that I know it would make me feel better but still, they are gone without me and I'm home moping about. I wish somebody, preferably one of my SparkFriends would pop out of my computer screen and smack me up the side of my head. Really, I do!

I've been eating really gross stuff, not drinking my water, not eating breakfast, hardly getting any fruits/vegetables in, etc. I'm aware of this but still I only manage to stuff my face and think about it afterwards.

The ironic part of all this is that my mental state could clearly only improve if my physical state was reborn! I'm thirsty all the time (I used to drink my 8 glasses of water), my skin is dry and tight, I'm practically constipated, my skin is breaking out (from the KING size fruit and nut bars and salt and vinegar chips), I haven't cooked a meal since Sunday.

Has anybody out there ever gone through this? I think I'm a rational human being and although I know I'm doing everything wrong at the moment I can't seem to change. Dear god, am I that stupid? Maybe I'll go outside and knock my own head against the snowbanks to knock some sense into me.

Last night I walked up the stairs from our basement and I was winded and out of breath when I reached the top. My husband was shocked because I don't get out of breath from walking 2-3 km but one set of steps did me in. I am going on Monday to have my yearly checkup done so I will mention this to my doctor but I'm thinking it is the change in medications.

I really don't know and I kind of feel really silly writing this blog.

Hope you are all well and forgive me for being so blasted negative! I really try not to be but I'm mad at myself!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LESLIES537 3/13/2011 2:35PM

    Yup, been there, done that. I kick myself in the butt for eating so bad and then I go and do it again the next day. Feel like I've totally fallen off the wagon this time. I mope about it, do it again, mope some more...and so on. *sigh*

This is where you let out your feelings...don't you dare apologize for that! It's OK!! emoticon

We'll get through this, one foot in front of the other. Together :)

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KAMAPERRY 3/12/2011 9:31PM

    I am just coming out of it. Try what I am doing, small, attainable goals each day, it does help. emoticon

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DRGOMTI 3/10/2011 10:58PM

    Oh Susan! You are not alone! Both my sister n I are on sp n we're both in a real slump. it's so weird cz seems everything you're going thru, I'm going thru the same thing. My sister always goes thru this slump/depression this time a yr. She doesn't think it's just SAD, she thinks it's just something she goes thru. So, you're not alone n I guess we have to take the bad with the good. All our days aren't gonna be ha ha happy, n if we can just hang in there, the sun will shine on us again. And the fact that you're doing everything you can right now to help yourself is good. I love how honest n open you are! I can really relate to you!! just knowing I'm not going thru this alone gives me hope! This too shall pass!! I'm glad you have some friends that will give you a swift kick, cz how can I kick you when I need a kick myself?!! : )) Your friends are awesome and I love reading their support to you!! Keep your chin up! You're a beautiful person n I love reading your blogs whether they're positive or negative. emoticon

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JHADZHIA 3/10/2011 8:50PM

    So sorry you are blowing it, but perhaps your medicine isn't working and you are depressed. This is a sickness you can't help. That is unfortunately just the way you feel when you no longer care about things... I hope you can get your medicine adjusted or changed so you can get back on track. It will make a huge difference I bet. You said it, this is so not like you..
You don't need a slap, you need help.
We are all here for you, hoping you can feel better soon..
emoticon emoticon

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RIMAJO 3/10/2011 5:31PM

    emoticonYou are loved Susan.. NOT silly, or stupid.. just loved, but struggling. I know you can overcome this & succeed. You know what to do..you've got lots of good feedback here, and good support too. Love & faith. I believe in you.

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BTRTHANEVA 3/10/2011 5:15PM

    OK, here comes that slap upside your head... WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU? Is there something that you don't want to face? Why are you going out of your way to make yourself miserable? Are you trying to take the attention away of whatever it is that might be bothering you? How's this all working for you???

Now, go take a long, hot shower, let all your worries flow down the drain with the water, and cleanse yourself. You deserve to treat yourself with tenderlovingkindness and with respect.

Life is too short and fragile for us to be making it any more complicated than it needs to be.

Send with love. Been there, done that...

If I'm totally off base, I apologize. But you asked for that slap, and from all the years as being an enabler to my kids, I realize what I should have done was keep it real.

Because I really care...about you!!!

Take good care of yourself. For you AND your husband.

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PEPSICHIPS 3/10/2011 4:22PM

I think everyone goes through spurts like this from time to time. Not sure if this suggestion will work for you or not, but reread your blog and write " TOMORROW, I WILL BE POSITIVE"
TOMORROW I Will EAT HEALTHY etc. Take every neg thing in your blog and make it positive tomorrow. Try it, I bet it will work. Let me know.

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GEORGIAK25 3/10/2011 2:47PM

    Yes I have gone through this and it is hard. Start by drinking your water evenif you have to line the 8 glasses out. Put up notes on the fridge and cupboard doors with questions like
Do I need this or do I want this. Is it good for me or is it not.
I know all about the emotional side of me sabotaging my efforts - I am going through this at the moment. Find a way to calm the emotions. Very hard. but try. I call myself a middleaged menopausal maniac at the moment because even I don't know how I feel. Hormones driving me nuts.

Good luck with gettin back on trqack. You have done well by sharing with us as that is the frist step to getting back on track.

You can do it.

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HOPEFULANGE 3/10/2011 2:17PM

    Just think of how much more fun Maddy and Lou would be if you went for a walk with them! I'm sure they're noticing that you're not out with them! Try to start up again for them, and hopefully along the way you'll start to do it for yourself again!

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JLITT62 3/10/2011 1:59PM

    Can you pick just one healthy habit to start back with? You are too beautiful a person to give up.

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RUNNER12COM 3/10/2011 1:19PM

    Find a little victory and allow yourself to celebrate just that. And then let that springboard you to your next little victory.

One step at a time. That's how you get back.


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FATSOO51 3/10/2011 12:42PM

    SMACK!!! Feel that??? emoticon
It probably due to the junk you are eating....sorry, but you asked for it! Now stop that right NOW!!
Getting our brain to think positive is not easy by any stretch of the imagination....but, we have to kick ourselves and try and make the best of what we have.....try to concentrate on the good things in your life...I know you have many, I do to, but sometimes it a struggle. emoticon


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APIRLRAIN888 3/10/2011 12:40PM

    I do that too!!!!
so I stick with
lifestyle change= one good decision at a time!
robotly stop and thing, option A or B, A or B
all day long!
tiring but saving me in the long run

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BOVEY63 3/10/2011 12:37PM

    First of all, you are not stupid - we all go through this.
I agree that hormones could be the cause of some of this, as well as "spring fever." This winter has hung on so long and there are a lot of us suffering from it. My hope is that when we turn our clocks ahead on Sunday, spring will be sprung!
emoticon emoticon emoticon
And, just in case you still need a hit up side the head, here's one!
emoticon emoticon
I'm giving myself one too - maybe it will help me too.

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JEPPINER1 3/10/2011 12:02PM

    Oh and your not stupid! You are very normal! emoticon

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JEPPINER1 3/10/2011 12:01PM

    I do know exactly how you feel. I even let it go on for few years sometimes not months or weeks. Your best bet, in my opinion of course, is remember why you are doing this, and think of what you did when you started. Go back to baby steps. Start off with walking 10 minutes a day. You may find that you walk the 10 minutes and want to keep going. Drink 4 glasses of water to start and build up again. Treat yourself but once or twice a week instead of every night. Go back to the basics. Everyone plateau's! emoticon

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MOOKBALL 3/10/2011 11:37AM

    You may be pre-menopausal. Hormones can screw up even the best of plans. Check with a doctor.

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What a difference a few days can make

Tuesday, March 08, 2011


Happy Tuesday everybody and if anybody knows me well, they will know that I really dread Tuesdays for some strange reason. Can't quite wrap my head around that one but I have felt that way about poor, helpless Tuesdays for longer than I can remember! Of course, I'm the weird one that actually likes Mondays!

Anyway, I digress. My blog title today is about my "mental" state. If you've been reading my blogs, you will know that I had a very mild flare up of depression over the past few weeks and I have taken a few weeks off from work to re-focus. After trying to fight its approach, I did what three doctors told me to do (yes, I'm bit of a slow-learner too) and that was to up one of my medications. What a difference 25 mg can make in a matter of four or five days!

Now, it also might have something to do with taking the time off work, or having my husband home this week (spring reading break at his college), or it might all be in my mind. But regardless, I am feeling much better! I'm not looking for answers because I'm too busy appreciating how good I feel.

I also have a light therapy box that I sit in front of on bleak days. I've been using that for the past week and catch up on some fun reading while I sit there for thirty minutes. Again, it could be all in my head but I don't care!

A few of you commented on my new profile picture and your comments blew me away! It was just a shot I took myself and to hear that I look happy and pretty?! Me?! Guys, it is just me. I just had my grays covered up at the hairdresser and the very ends trimmed off my hair but your comments made me laugh. I really don't think I am pretty at all but I do love that my wrinkling ol' eyes are full of mischief! That is the true me...always scheming up funny things to do.

So, how do I claim to be depressed? I often thought I wore a mask so people wouldn't know but now I am actually more open about it. My face is the picture of depression because you never know who suffers from it and who doesn't. I get the weirdest responses when I tell people I suffer from mental illness....a) they laugh out loud because they don't think I'm serious, b) I get to hear "but you look so happy", c) thank you for telling me because I alwayst thought depressed people somehow looked "depressed".

So, now you all have a picture of what I look like. Mental illness is all around us but because it is often invisible, we tend to not "see" it. I'm astonished that I can say this but I'm actually glad I have depression as it has taught me so much. I'm not going to die from it but it makes me humble and definitely makes me appreciate each day as it comes.

Thanks for reading! I am truly honoured to be SparkFriends with all of you!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAMAPERRY 3/9/2011 12:37AM

    So happy to hear when you are happy!! I also think you are very pretty!! Very warm, and you just "glow" in that picture, I love it! emoticon

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HOPEFULANGE 3/8/2011 7:24PM

    I don't care what you say, you are pretty!!! emoticon

Glad to see you're feeling better and that you're laughing about something!

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RIMAJO 3/8/2011 1:05PM

    emoticonSo glad to hear you're feeling better, whatever the case. If its an improvement - it's all good! Also love the new pic.. how beautiful you are!!

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GAYLE-G-63 3/8/2011 12:20PM


Susan, you're a beautiful person inside and out!

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TEMPEST272002 3/8/2011 11:13AM

    I'm so relieved to hear that you've nipped your depression in the bud. Those of us who suffer from depression know how difficult it is to stop going down that slippery slope. Great job taking care of yourself!

I think you're adorable in your new pic! You have such a friendly, welcoming face. I like the mischievious glint in your eye too! Makes me think we'll have a good laugh when we do finally meet.

Hey, I got your email & will reply soon. I'm just caught up right now time-wise...but I promise I won't leave it too long. Boy - you and I, we're slowing than snailmail! lol

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CHANGING_LIFE 3/8/2011 9:44AM

    Awww! I'm glad you are doing better and doing right by yourself.

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    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VICKILYN4 3/8/2011 9:10AM

    You look FANTASTIC!!! Happy Tuesday day to you and hope the rest of the week just keeps getting better. You deserve it!

emoticonand emoticonin case you need it this week!

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JEPPINER1 3/8/2011 9:06AM

    I have depression because of chemical embalance. I take 200mg of Zoloft daily to keep it in check. It's amazing what a little medicine can do. I would cry hysterically one day and the next goofy and happy. I was an emotional basket case. Good for you having the strength to take more medication and know what you need. There is nothing wrong with it. We all need a little help now and again. Finding tricks to help through things, if it is medicine, reading, letting out a good scream, more power to the person. emoticon

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WJGRIFFIN 3/8/2011 8:59AM

  Happy Tuesday ti you keep up that great attitude.

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Some Funny Observations

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Hi everybody!

I'm in a really weird mood today and despite a headache could just laugh about anything. Mind you, I think it is true gift to be able to laugh at oneself or either that, it's a sign you are mentally ill. I think I fit both categories!

First of all, the morning started with Lou deciding to climb over the snow bank and fence in our garden to get closer to the doggies in the garden to our diagonal. This was before 8:00 a.m. and thankfully the others doggies weren't outdoors or else everyone would have been awakened from a sound sleep by moaning and crying dogs. By the time my husband got dressed to go get her, she had walked back over to our garden. Being the BDR (big, dumb retreiver) that she is, she got all excited to see "daddy" in the next garden, jumped back over the fence and scratched her lower belly on the fence pickets! She cried a little bit and let us look at it but it is only a scratch so she if fine. But then she came in and acted all sicky-poo and wanted rubs and hugs. Maddy seeing that Lou is getting all the attention, promptly rolled over to his back demanding the same! I'm telling you there is never a dull moment!

Okay, so we went for our normal walk and when we came home I decided to dig out one of the exericse videos I received for Christmas. The one I chose was Spark's Fit, Fired and Firm. Picture me still dressed in my longjohns (from our walk), trying to do lower body exercises with two curious dogs underfoot! I managed to do the ten minutes twice and then had to pee........that is about when I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror.........OMG...... I looked exactly like Camilla Parker Bowles on a bad hair day! Seriously!!!!! My husband, who is nearly bald, claims people pay to have thick hair like mine but I sincerely doubt it....not the way it looks right now.

Anyway, I walked back into the living room still laughing at my attire and my 'do when I noticed my husband had our local community channel on tv. It was a repeat of a gospel concert our local SPCA put off several weeks ago. We knew some of the performers so we watched......again, all was going well until a friend of ours got up and said he was going to sing a duet with the missus "acapulco"!!!! I really think he meant "a cappella" as in without music but I nearly fell to the floor in laughter!!! I don't think he will live that one down....charity or not! Ha!

Oh, in closing I have to add a picture of my cousin's two dogs. This is especially for Tempest272002 as one of the dogs in the picture looks something like what her dog will grow into.

Willow is the black and white one and Maggie is the Husky cross with the mismatched eyes! Maggie will be four tomorrow and was abadoned at 4 weeks old and Willow was the very first dog I was involved with rescuing. She is about 8 years old.

I must go and hop into the shower to see if I can calm down the hair!!!! Hope I made some of you smile!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    oh Susan, your blogs always make me smile. I could just picture you trying to do a work out with two pooches under foot. I could not imagine trying to anything with two, I have a hard enough time trying to get a glass of water out of the fridge before Sophie climbs half way in to investigate the *smells*
...you know beagles and those noses.

thanks for the laugh!! emoticon

oh, and I love your cousins babies and I am glad to hear that Lou was ok.

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HOPEFULANGE 3/7/2011 1:08PM

    emoticon Love the imagery and associated pic of the hair!

Good job at digging out that video! Once I'm done the 30-day shred I'll be starting on the spark videos. I hope they're enjoyable!

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MEMARE 3/7/2011 8:06AM

    Susan I loved your blog and I think I resemble that remark at the beginning too! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    I just love the photos Tempest272002 puts on her page of her DOG! Isn't that kind of dog awesome?! I enjoyed your blog again! I'm just so tired from work I've forgotten all that I wanted to say! LOL

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ERIKO1908 3/6/2011 8:12PM

    so great that you are finding so much laughter today!! so inspiring to me!!

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TEMPEST272002 3/6/2011 5:25PM

    Susan, you ALWAYS make me smile... but the picture of you in long johns with Camilla-hair. Hilarious!

Arent the dogs gorgeous?! I can definitely see the similarities between Deeohgee & Willow, especially in the white face. I think it's wonderful that you can see how Willow's life has changed through rescue. It's so hard to let foster dogs go... but so rewarding when you can see that it's to a good life. Maggie is also fabulous & beautiful. Huskies are so majestic.

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KAMAPERRY 3/6/2011 4:49PM

    Don't animals just know how to make you smile!! emoticon

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GAYLE-G-63 3/6/2011 3:59PM

    HI Susan,

I have thick medium length hair and mine does look a fright, especially after I've been out in the wind! lol

The dogs are gorgeous!

Have a fun filled rest of the day!


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JHADZHIA 3/6/2011 2:09PM

    emoticon Mom and I have been walking around with bad hair days every day. Einstein has nothing on what my Mom's thick long hair looks like when she gets up, she won't let me take a photo though :)
Lovely dogs :)
Its actually better to have a sense of humour then not..
Enjoy your Sunday!

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LESLIES537 3/6/2011 1:33PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DRGOMTI 3/6/2011 1:02PM

    Oh Susan dear, you always make me smile!! emoticon
Love the picture accents too!! that husky/shepherd mix is gorgeous!! I want one!! : ))

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Apple Crisp, Sunny Day and Playing Frisbee in the snow

Saturday, March 05, 2011


Well, it turns out I slept a lot better last night when I increased my medication and stopped taking the sleeping pills.

Woke up totally energized and was out in the fresh air and -10 temperatures before 9:00 a.m. with John, Maddy and Lou. Oh, and heaven forbid, I forget to include Lou's frisbee because she now insists on taking it along on our walks. The frisbee is a red, rubber Kong brand and when she grabs hold of it, the thing bends, turns inside out and looks like a big set of lips! It is too funny! That and she runs up to us and whacks us in leg with it if we don't pretend to chase her!

On this mornings jaunt, they saw a bunny rabbit and all hell broke loose! Maddy was way over his head in snow by the time his paws landed and looked so pathetic. Lou, on the otherhand, somehow thought the bunny was a squirrel and sat under a tree and howled at its branches! That is the thing when you adopt/rescue a dog....no idea if they're slow learners.....Ha!!!!

Came home and had a short nap with my two buddies before we headed back to the same place to walk again. Maddy did his very best to catch a skidoo for us and Lou beat herself out with the silly frisbee. They will certainly sleep well tonight....as will I, hopefully!

Just finished making an apple crisp that I found on Spark......talk about yummy! I resisted the urge to run down to the grocery store to pick up some vanilla ice-cream to have with it but I think it is pretty darned tasty without it. Definitely a keeper recipe!

Here is it just in case you are interested:

3 medium apples, cored and sliced thin (I did not peel my apples)
1 tsp cinnamon
2 TB sugar
2 TB flour

Mix the cinnamon, flour and sugar together. Arrange your apple slices (in a 9 inch baking dish)
and sprinkle the spice mixture in layers between the apples.

In a medium bowl, combine:

1 cup quick oats
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 TB heart healthy margarine

Place the oat mixture on top of the apples. Bake uncovered at 325 for approximately 30 minutes.

I vary the amount of apples and the amount of sugar because I don't like things too sweet.

This recipe was submitted by BLESSEDW/3

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well and are having a relaxing weekend. I'll try to get in touch with each of you later on in the week!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEMPEST272002 3/6/2011 10:39AM

    I'm glad to hear that you're on the mend. Huge kuddos to you to taking control of your health & medication and doing what you needed to.

I'd love to see a lips pic of Lou. Sounds hilarious. Poor Maddy getting in too deep... though it's sure funny to watch them bound around in the snow.

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MEMARE 3/6/2011 9:25AM

    Sounds like a wonderful day. emoticon
Recipe sounds good, I love apple crisp. I'd use real butter and regular oats though. emoticon

I think we need a photo of Lou and her 'lips' emoticon

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    That sounded so yummy! Great blog! I love reading about your doggies!

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LESLIES537 3/5/2011 11:14PM

    YUMMO! I'll def have to try that one! emoticon

I'm glad you and your kids had fun on your jaunt! Sleep well! emoticon

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HOPEFULANGE 3/5/2011 9:33PM

    Glad to hear you had a good night. After two walks I'm sure you'll have another good sleep tonight!

Too funny about the bunny rabbit! Silly dogs!

I made that apple crisp recipe a few months ago - it's so good. Though my portion sizes weren't the same as in the recipe, so I ended up eating more calories than I should have...but it was so delicious it was worth it!!!!

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JHADZHIA 3/5/2011 8:43PM

    Glad you got some good sleep and felt energetic the next day! Awesome fun with your fur babies!
That apple crisp sounds wonderful! Mom just recently made us a lazy man's apple crisp -just cored three apples and put some crisp like topping on them so we had baked apple crisp, was good :)
Enjoy the rest of your evening and weekend!

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KAMAPERRY 3/5/2011 7:23PM

    Yum!! I need more apples!!!
Sooooooooooooooo Happy to hear you feel better!! emoticon

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ERIKO1908 3/5/2011 6:45PM

    Yummy!! Gonna have to give that one a try!!

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DANCINCAJUN1 3/5/2011 5:55PM

    oh that does sound yummy .... think spring it is right around the corner. Great blog

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