Friday, March 04, 2011
Before you read any further I want to reassure you all that this blog has nothing whatsover to do with chicken but I figured I would be a good way to make more SparkFriends. I seem to have a good few but I only hear from the regulars (which I am very thankful for) but nobody new seems to read and/or comment. I think that is my way of saying I need to shake things up!
I've been in a funk lately dealing with SAD. I'm really weird in that I suffer the most from it during the spring and actually enjoy winter. I always knew I was a bit different but this is getting out of hand! Just for once I wish I was normal. Nah, I take that back.
I'm going to up my medication tonight and will not take the sleeping pills. The latter is knocking me out way too much to the point where I feel like I am stoned throughout the next day. I took one last evening....about 22 hours ago and I still feel drugged. I spoke to my pharmacist and he thinks the dose is too strong. So, I'm about to follow my doctor's suggestion and up my antidepressant by 25mg for a week to see if I feel any different. Again, I checked this out with my pharmacist and he said I should notice an improvement (if one is to be had) within a week.
Funny thing is I'm not feeling actually depressed but more like anxiety. I am still getting out doors to walk the dogs and I'm not feeling all gloomy like I have in the past. Mental illness is a weird old thing let me tell you.
Maddy (our Pomeranian) had to go to the vet yesterday for his yearly dental and they ended up pulling out three more of his wee little teeth. When we picked him up he could barely stand up and was acting like Keith Richards (stoned) all night and well into today. He seemed hungry so they suggested I give him some chicken and rice (well, it turns out I did mention chicken in my blog) which I cooked from scratch and the little buggar gobbled it all down. Lou put on her best "I'm sick too" face so she was given some of mommy's home cooking along with her DNC....dry nasty crap.....dog food. She was happy not to be left out.
Tonight I am going out with my group of humane society friends to rescue a little kitten. I think we have a home lined up which is really making me feel good. In last night's community newspaper there was an article about a dog in a neighbouring community who walked out on sea ice and was afraid to come back because the water opened up. A woman (a stranger to the dog) saw this, called the fire department, the dog was rescued and the first thing the dog did was walk over to the woman to get a big hug. And people think that animals can't think!!!!
I must go and get out of my pjs....it is supper time and I'm still in them! I'm going to force myself out the door for some fresh air and for a short walk with my canine buddies. Not sure if Maddy is up to it yet so my husband will serve as the car escort!
In closing, thank you for reading. I hope one day to meet some of you face to face to personally thank you for being such a inspiration to me along my journey!
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
We've had another snow storm here overnight so it is nice to see the snow still pure white as opposed to the gray colour it turns as Spring progresses. I didn't get out for my walk in the woods with Maddy and Lou today so we had to make do with walking around our neighbourhood. Managed to walk 3.5 km but it just isn't as enjoyable as being in the woods.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday for the first time in about 14 months. Actually I did see her one year ago tomorrow at her husband's funeral but that wasn't a professional visit. She has become a good friend of mine and fellow animal lover so we talk about a lot of things besides my mental state.
Yesterday we talked for 2 hours (!) and I left feeling emotionally drained. But that is how I make progress as I tend to over analyze my own situation and she basically tells me that it is perfectly normal to feel that way or explains why I feel that way.
She was amazed that I really enjoyed this winter. I think she thought I was down because the winter was long and a lot of people just get fed up with snow, even those who are not depressed. But this year has been different! This has been the first year in memory that I actually don't want winter to end! Seriously! I just love getting out in the snow with Maddy and Lou and having the cold air and sunny skies on my face.
So she ruled out that as a cause of my anxiety. She knows that I dread Spring (March is not a good month for someone with Seasonal Affectivedness Disorder) and I dread the clock's changing even more.
At the end we narrowed my "warped" thinking to two reasons: One, I have never gone this long without feeling down before and I was probably always wondering when and if it was going to raise its ugly head. Apparently this is quite common as true depression will always ebb and flow throughout your life so you learn to take the good times with a grain of salt because you know they are not going to last. I know that sounds depressing in itself but for me, it gives me a sense of hope that I have finally learned when I'm in a downward spiral and thus I can be prepared.
The other thing, is what we are going to do when and If John has to leave to find employment. Actually John came with me to the appointment so I think he got to hear how concerned I am about this. In Newfoundland it is quite common for workers to fly either off shore or to Alberta for work and return back one week out of four. We've been blessed that we have never had to do that but it might become a reality over the summer when he finishes college. I think even acknowledging the anxiety this was causing helped relieve some of it.
So, my doctor/friend also told me to "increase" my medications when I felt like I was out of sorts and to decrease it when I thought I was okay. Now, I'm not a doctor (nor do I play one on tv...sorry, couldn't resist) but I always thought psychiatric medications were the one drug you really didn't want to be playing around with. I know they always warn you about not stopping them without consulting your doctor first. So, I'm still wary of playing doctor with my medications and I'm going to leave them alone for a week or so to see if I can pull myself out of this hole I seem to be mired in
I know I haven't been very faithful to my nutrition lately so that is one thing I can definitely change with only positive results. I joined a challenge under the Newfoundland Spark team to lose 5 pounds in March so I'm going to make an honest effort with that.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Well, I can’t say it is nice to see you. How very unthoughtful of you to blow back into town and to try to wedge yourself into my life. But, you’ve always been like that so I’ve come to refer to you as my “evil friend” when I don’t even want you to call you a friend at all. But you are because you’ve been with me for most of my life and I have learned a thing or two about coping with your presence.
You try to tear me down and make me hate myself and others. You try to suppress my love of life and my smile. Yes, there were many times in my life that you succeeded in almost destroying me. But I’m telling you that this time is going to be different.
This time, I’ve got my suit of armour on. It is not made of steel so regardless of how much you rain on me, I won’t rust in spots to allow you to spill in. My armour is made of something more durable and it is not manmade. My armour consists of a loving husband, supportive family and friends, furry creatures, great medications, understanding doctors and, if that is not enough, I have a new found support group called SparkPeople!
So when you try your best to bore through my armour, you are going to get your sorry behind kicked by not only me but by the many members of my support team. You might think you are making progress when out of the blue one of them is going to knock you back and block any future progress. Sorry, but I’ve had enough of you in my life.
I know you will continue to make rare and unannounced visits throughout the rest of my life but you have to learn that you are not welcome in my home and especially not in my life. You’ve caused enough havoc with your mind games. You try your best to worm into people’s lives mostly when they are not up to receiving such nasty visitors. To be hospitable, I will not send you to the curb but you had better pack really light because more than one day or night is not going to be tolerated. You will be at the curb before you know what hit you if you try to stay longer than that.
I have learned a few things from you and all of them haven’t been too bad. I’ve learned that when you have a great support team they will get you through the toughest times. You tried to tell me that nobody cared and that I would be better off dead but you were wrong….again! So really, you got me to question everything you stand for. I give you credit for that one!
Now, my only question for you is “how does it feel when somebody kicks back at you”….I thought so!
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