Tuesday, March 01, 2011
We've had another snow storm here overnight so it is nice to see the snow still pure white as opposed to the gray colour it turns as Spring progresses. I didn't get out for my walk in the woods with Maddy and Lou today so we had to make do with walking around our neighbourhood. Managed to walk 3.5 km but it just isn't as enjoyable as being in the woods.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday for the first time in about 14 months. Actually I did see her one year ago tomorrow at her husband's funeral but that wasn't a professional visit. She has become a good friend of mine and fellow animal lover so we talk about a lot of things besides my mental state.
Yesterday we talked for 2 hours (!) and I left feeling emotionally drained. But that is how I make progress as I tend to over analyze my own situation and she basically tells me that it is perfectly normal to feel that way or explains why I feel that way.
She was amazed that I really enjoyed this winter. I think she thought I was down because the winter was long and a lot of people just get fed up with snow, even those who are not depressed. But this year has been different! This has been the first year in memory that I actually don't want winter to end! Seriously! I just love getting out in the snow with Maddy and Lou and having the cold air and sunny skies on my face.
So she ruled out that as a cause of my anxiety. She knows that I dread Spring (March is not a good month for someone with Seasonal Affectivedness Disorder) and I dread the clock's changing even more.
At the end we narrowed my "warped" thinking to two reasons: One, I have never gone this long without feeling down before and I was probably always wondering when and if it was going to raise its ugly head. Apparently this is quite common as true depression will always ebb and flow throughout your life so you learn to take the good times with a grain of salt because you know they are not going to last. I know that sounds depressing in itself but for me, it gives me a sense of hope that I have finally learned when I'm in a downward spiral and thus I can be prepared.
The other thing, is what we are going to do when and If John has to leave to find employment. Actually John came with me to the appointment so I think he got to hear how concerned I am about this. In Newfoundland it is quite common for workers to fly either off shore or to Alberta for work and return back one week out of four. We've been blessed that we have never had to do that but it might become a reality over the summer when he finishes college. I think even acknowledging the anxiety this was causing helped relieve some of it.
So, my doctor/friend also told me to "increase" my medications when I felt like I was out of sorts and to decrease it when I thought I was okay. Now, I'm not a doctor (nor do I play one on tv...sorry, couldn't resist) but I always thought psychiatric medications were the one drug you really didn't want to be playing around with. I know they always warn you about not stopping them without consulting your doctor first. So, I'm still wary of playing doctor with my medications and I'm going to leave them alone for a week or so to see if I can pull myself out of this hole I seem to be mired in
I know I haven't been very faithful to my nutrition lately so that is one thing I can definitely change with only positive results. I joined a challenge under the Newfoundland Spark team to lose 5 pounds in March so I'm going to make an honest effort with that.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Well, I can’t say it is nice to see you. How very unthoughtful of you to blow back into town and to try to wedge yourself into my life. But, you’ve always been like that so I’ve come to refer to you as my “evil friend” when I don’t even want you to call you a friend at all. But you are because you’ve been with me for most of my life and I have learned a thing or two about coping with your presence.
You try to tear me down and make me hate myself and others. You try to suppress my love of life and my smile. Yes, there were many times in my life that you succeeded in almost destroying me. But I’m telling you that this time is going to be different.
This time, I’ve got my suit of armour on. It is not made of steel so regardless of how much you rain on me, I won’t rust in spots to allow you to spill in. My armour is made of something more durable and it is not manmade. My armour consists of a loving husband, supportive family and friends, furry creatures, great medications, understanding doctors and, if that is not enough, I have a new found support group called SparkPeople!
So when you try your best to bore through my armour, you are going to get your sorry behind kicked by not only me but by the many members of my support team. You might think you are making progress when out of the blue one of them is going to knock you back and block any future progress. Sorry, but I’ve had enough of you in my life.
I know you will continue to make rare and unannounced visits throughout the rest of my life but you have to learn that you are not welcome in my home and especially not in my life. You’ve caused enough havoc with your mind games. You try your best to worm into people’s lives mostly when they are not up to receiving such nasty visitors. To be hospitable, I will not send you to the curb but you had better pack really light because more than one day or night is not going to be tolerated. You will be at the curb before you know what hit you if you try to stay longer than that.
I have learned a few things from you and all of them haven’t been too bad. I’ve learned that when you have a great support team they will get you through the toughest times. You tried to tell me that nobody cared and that I would be better off dead but you were wrong….again! So really, you got me to question everything you stand for. I give you credit for that one!
Now, my only question for you is “how does it feel when somebody kicks back at you”….I thought so!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Just came back from the funeral service for my friend Cathy and I most say it was a really nice tribute to her. Cried a few tears but overall felt a sense of peace when I left the church. I know I've been feeling under the weather lately thinking about her and I hope now she is at peace and thankfully is pain-free.
To cut to the chase ~ this is for those who live with mental illness. How do you know when life becomes too much and you just need a break? I haven't seen my psychiatrist in 18 months and my family doctor in about 4 months. My psychiatrist is finally back to work (her husband died last year and she had her own health issues) but getting an appointment is proving to be difficult. It is not like I can just drop in as she lives about one hour's drive away. Called my family doctor's office...earliest to get in is on March 10th. Mind you, I'm free to go see somebody else....I'm just quoting his receptionist.....like I would just show up to a new doctor and say "I need some time off work".
That is what I feel like....I need a break. Actually the fact that I THINK I need a break scares me. I only work part-time, I enjoy my job, I'm enjoying my Spark journey, my life with my husband is better than ever and yet, I feel like I am going down a slippery slope. I could cry at the drop of a hat (despite what my humour says!) and I'm just tired. Can't figure that one out at all. I'm the healthiest I've been in years, I am walking at least 6 out of 7 days, I'm beginning to see some changes physically but yet, I want to bury my head in the sand like an ostrich!
AAARRRGGGHHH...this is the frustrating thing about depression! There often is no cause and effect that is readily apparent. I've had this discussion with John when he arrived home from college today. He said, what would you do with a week off and you know what my answer was???? To do housework! What's up with that? I'm feeling like everything is getting to be too much effort.....please......don't laugh.......I know how silly this sounds but I'm just trying to be honest! What would I do if I had a full-time job, a family of children, a demanding husband???? It kind of makes me disappointed in myself that often times I can't handle normal stress.
Anybody out there care to share how they knew when they needed a break? I'm really debating calling said psychiatrist tomorrow and saying I need a note for taking some time off from work. I know she will do that for me but is that really the best thing to do or should I soldier on and get over this?
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