Monday, February 21, 2011
Just came back from the funeral service for my friend Cathy and I most say it was a really nice tribute to her. Cried a few tears but overall felt a sense of peace when I left the church. I know I've been feeling under the weather lately thinking about her and I hope now she is at peace and thankfully is pain-free.
To cut to the chase ~ this is for those who live with mental illness. How do you know when life becomes too much and you just need a break? I haven't seen my psychiatrist in 18 months and my family doctor in about 4 months. My psychiatrist is finally back to work (her husband died last year and she had her own health issues) but getting an appointment is proving to be difficult. It is not like I can just drop in as she lives about one hour's drive away. Called my family doctor's office...earliest to get in is on March 10th. Mind you, I'm free to go see somebody else....I'm just quoting his receptionist.....like I would just show up to a new doctor and say "I need some time off work".
That is what I feel like....I need a break. Actually the fact that I THINK I need a break scares me. I only work part-time, I enjoy my job, I'm enjoying my Spark journey, my life with my husband is better than ever and yet, I feel like I am going down a slippery slope. I could cry at the drop of a hat (despite what my humour says!) and I'm just tired. Can't figure that one out at all. I'm the healthiest I've been in years, I am walking at least 6 out of 7 days, I'm beginning to see some changes physically but yet, I want to bury my head in the sand like an ostrich!
AAARRRGGGHHH...this is the frustrating thing about depression! There often is no cause and effect that is readily apparent. I've had this discussion with John when he arrived home from college today. He said, what would you do with a week off and you know what my answer was???? To do housework! What's up with that? I'm feeling like everything is getting to be too much effort.....please......don't laugh.......I know how silly this sounds but I'm just trying to be honest! What would I do if I had a full-time job, a family of children, a demanding husband???? It kind of makes me disappointed in myself that often times I can't handle normal stress.
Anybody out there care to share how they knew when they needed a break? I'm really debating calling said psychiatrist tomorrow and saying I need a note for taking some time off from work. I know she will do that for me but is that really the best thing to do or should I soldier on and get over this?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Believe it or not, I just spent the past two hours checking out the SparkPages of my friends and tried to leave comments on all of them. Sometimes, I get ashamed at myself for not checking everybody out but it seems to only get done once a week despite my good intentions!
What amazed me is that I missed so much. So much to celebrate, so much to feel sorrow for, so many achievements and so many setbacks. But that if life, isn't it? Nobody promised us a smooth ride and some days are filled with sunshine while others are just rained out. But you what is important? It is the overall picture that counts.
I often think about that when the scale won't move or worse still, is moving in the wrong direction. If we let each little setback kick us out of the saddle, we would never ride again. There are some days when it takes all of my patience and willpower not to stay indoors and eat myself into oblivion! Just today, I ate 3 Kashi cereal bars.....the dark mocha almond flavour. Add that to the 3 I ate yesterday....do you detect a problem here? Me and my gut and lack of willpower...
But on a positive note, I did walk 2.5 km yesterday and another 5 today so I'm trying hard to look at the overall picture rather than my setbacks and advances. I bought an exercise ball yesterday so now I have to learn to use it safely. With my luck, I will go flying off of it, only to find myself half-dead and to hear Lou chasing it around the room. Oh, and Maddy would just curl up by my side and go to sleep. Between Lou's excitement and Maddy's snoring, all my cries for help would go unnoticed!
Well, there you have it a blog which I entitled "much ado about nothing".
Thursday, February 17, 2011
If you are regular reader of my blogs (my goodness I sound like I am famous!) you will have noticed that a few days have gone by without my tongue wagging and my fingers typing my thoughts.
First there was Valentine's day, and despite the upbeat note of my blog, it was a hard day for both my husband and I. That day has always been special for us as it marked the day our beloved Peaches was adopted and thus given a second chance at love. We always celebrated her adoption day because her love was the very epitome of the word itself! So, this marked the first year and the first of any such kind of anniversary is sort of hard. We gave ourselves permission to have a little cry and then we told and re-told all of the funny stories she was involved in over her 17 plus years.
Then the next two days, we were under a blizzard warning and trust me, this time the weatherman wasn't wrong! We were bombarded by one of the worse storms we have seen in several years. People complained and were pretty grumpy but John and I actually had a lot of fun clearing the driveway several times over. I walked the dogs each day and people shook their heads as if to say "she's nuts to be enjoying this". It helped too that we were both home as the college was closed here as was the college John is attending.
Today was my first day of work all week....I had taken Monday off as a "mental health day"...see, I wasn't making it up about feeling low about Peaches! All was going well, until it started to snow again and then the grumbling started. It is funny because I used to be one of those who HATED winter but now that I actually get out in it to exercise, I really kind of like it.
We had some sad news today at work, Cathy, my friend and student, died after a very hard struggle with cancer. She was told back in June that cancer was found in four different spots but that didn't deter her from attending school each and everyday. She even attended a literacy conference during which she was declared student of the year. She had her final appointment with the cancer specialist back in early October and was told to go home to enjoy her Thanksgiving. She lived past then, she attended school up to Christmas, she attended the Christmas potluck (she was the one who walked to the cafeteria when somebody mentioned they needed salt!!!!) but then came the new year and her body wouldn't allow her to sit for such a long time each day. She was more devastated that she couldn't attend classes than she was about dying! Last night she took her final breath and I like to think that Heaven got a new angel today. She touched my life in so many different ways! There she was a little scrap of a young lady, with a speech impediment, and who was determined to learn to read and write. God Bless you Cathy for showing the rest of us that hard work does pay off and that blessings do come in many disguises.
So, today I sort of went around with a heavy heart. I went to pick up some groceries for my mom and this woman said to me, "don't you just hate winter" and I said, "no, actually I don't mind it at all". She asked me what was there to like about winter and I told her "well, you and I we are still alive to enjoy it so consider the alternative". She thought about it and walked away but not before turning to me, smiling, and saying "thank you, you've given me something to think about"
So, with that I end my blog. Please consider the alternative when you are grumbling about life....because I bet there are thousands of people in graveyards just waiting to change places with you.
Thanks for reading!
Monday, February 14, 2011
After yesterday's rather serious and somewhat sad blog I want to thank each and everyone of you who read it. Extra kudos to you if you responded to it! Thank you! Your words of support mean more to me than most of you will ever know.
If you read yesterday's blog, you know that I've had a couple of off days. Yesterday I was very weepy for some reason and kind of moody, or at least it seemed to me that I was. So it was very suprising and very unexpected that my husband suggested we go out to supper last night instead of tonight. I wasn't feeling very festive but decided to get out of my comfy clothes and at least try to make some effort.
We had our usual supper.....I had a cheeseburger and garden salad and we shared an order of sweet potato fries which are my favourite. Then I suggested that we run to Walmart to buy each other a Valentine. Are you getting the hint that we are not really romantic about Valentine's Day? So, there we were standing next to each other and reading cards that we felt obligated to buy because Mr. Hallmark says we have to. I proposed buying one card (I'm also cheap) and we could write something on it for each other.
I'm not sure how it happened but at that point my husband got abducted by aliens and was replaced by a man who suggested we go home and make our own Valentine's Day cards. I think I was still in shock when I left the store but the alien followed me home and went around the house with me gathering card making supplies.
Now, neither one of us is really creative and I don't have many "arts and craft" supplies so we gathered scissors, coloured paper (that was left from some family project I did several years ago), tape, glue, scissors, and some pens, markers and pencils.
Alien (who surprisingly looked just like my husband) cleared off the dining room table and down we sat. He even suggested that we write down 14 things that we love about each other. We were like two grade one students with our craft projects! All we needed were smocks and those rubber-tipped glue bottles we used to use about 35 years ago.
I've got to post the pictures of the resulting cards as they are hilarious and touching all at the same time.
John's reasons for loving me were:
1. You laugh
2. You like dogs
3. You don't try to change me
4. You don't hog the sheets (anymore)
5. You're a domestic godess
6. You're kind to animals (except me)
7. You're smart
8. You can draw
9. You don't like mushrooms**** (he gets to pick them off of my plate!)
10. your feet are always cold
11. You made us get smartphones
12. You've got red hair
13. You let me drive
14. You like to use the snowblower
My reasons for loving John were:
1. Because it was your idea to make our own cards
2. I love your humour as warped as it is
3. You pretend to like my cooking
4. You don't mind being my arm candy *** (I said this a huge joke!)
5. You love Louisa and Maddy
6. For filling up my water bottle
7. For always tucking me into bed
8. I love your smile and your soft voice
9. For sharing your life with me
10. For the very best bear hugs
11. Your encouragement means a lot to me
12. For calling me Snoo-ger Roo
13. For being Peaches' true love
14. For putting up with me and for not leaving even when I begged you to do so
Bonus reason: For loving Dad as much as you did
We sat beside each other and read these to each other and had a few happy tears. It was the best Valentine`s Day ever....even if it was a day early!
I hope you are all feeling loved this special day! I know I care deeply for each and every one of you!
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