I am more aware of the steps I want to take in my life and where I want them to take me. I've made some of these steps lately. But it seems like there are so many more that I want to take that I haven't gotten to yet. I'm wanting to get from point A to point B a little faster than I am. I don't feel like I've quite given it my best shot yet and I really need to. Okay, I will step up with the steps a little bit each day and see where I am at the end of October.
I want to have a stable job by then. At least, I want to cut my ties with the job I have now that is causing me so much stress. I want to be more organized in my life. This means that first, I want my household to be more organized. Second, I want my personal life to be more organized and on a schedule that is more balanced. I will be healthier both physically and mentally this way. I'm not sure how I'm going to get there. But, I really want to be at least a little closer to what this is.
As I spend time on the SP website, I'm always writing down motivational sayings that inspire me and notes on articles that catch my attention. I save them to put them in my SP journal. I got called in to fill in for a sick receptionist yesterday (Yay!) and brought the notes and my notebook with me. I had enough down time between phone calls to get caught up on writing these notes into my notebook. I realized, however, that it has been a long time since I've actually written in my journal. I started a class at church yesterday that suggested that I get into the habit of journaling every day.
Okay, I had to be hit over the head, but the light bulb finally reconnected. I'm making a commitment right now to get back into the habit of journaling every day, even if it is only a line or two. I think this will help me get my emotions back in check, my stress levels down a bit and help me with those ever elusive goals that I've been wanting to update for at least two months now. I've journaled off and on ever since junior high school and know that it does help me. So....I'm going to get with it again.
I realized after my boss told me to come in today instead of yesterday that she really did me no favors and kinda messed my day up. I've got my job interviewing class from 3 - 4:30. I start a Life Cycle class that starts at church from 7:30-8:30 this evening. I've got to deliver Avon and pick up orders. I'm supposed to make it to the bank for my daughter. I've got to keep working on a baby afghan to have it ready in time for the baby shower in a couple weeks. And time for housework? What's that? I managed to misplace my water bottle from yesterday and am really hoping I left it in the car. Now I'm supposed to fit in "extra" time to go to a job that is driving me crazy. I've said before that I need to quit. I've also said that I need to get a handle on planning my days so I'm not running like crazy like today. I am now even more determined to make this happen. Now...how do I do this? I know the answer: sit down, set some goals, prioritize, set limits, say no when I have to. Can I do it? For my own sanity, YES I CAN! I HAVE TO!
I knew this would happen. I was bound and determined to go to this job interviewing class that is every day this week. I had it in my head that the job I have isn't doing me any good and that my boss is undermining my self-confidence. The phone rang about 8 pm last night and I just KNEW it was my boss. She left a message: "Can you come in tomorrow? I will be there at 11. I will see you then."
My first reaction was to call her back and tell her NO. But, my "good worker" side kept wanting to kick in and tell me that I need to go in. What to do?
I was sitting here this morning and the answer came to me. I will be the "good worker" and be there at 11 am and get some work done that I know needs to get done. (Okay - it's the payroll - I want to make sure I get the hours I worked in there correctly.) But, I will tell her that I have to leave at 2 pm. This will give me time to get to my class that I really believe will help me.
I am just a little tired of trying to live my life around a job that only has me working about 6 hours a week. It's not paying my bills. It's only stressing me out. I can take those 6 hours (plus the two hours travel time) and spend it on either my Avon business or finding a job that has more of a set schedule for me and enables me to pay my bills. I know I have to tell her that this job isn't working for me. I'm feeling like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" when she refers to herself as the meek and mild. Gotta get over it!
Last week, I started practicing my job interviewing answers by myself. Yesterday, I practiced with my case worker at Michigan Rehabilitation Services. I realized how much farther I need to come in order to come across as being confident and enthusiastic. I've always struggled with self-esteem issues and I'm realizing now that the piddly job that I have right now is not helping any. I found myself cringing when the phone rang this morning because I thought it may be my boss wanting me to drop everything and come in for a few hours today. (I got a total of 6 hours last week - it wasn't worth going in considering the gas it took to get there.)
My other case worker at MRS called me at about 2:50 yesterday. She apologized for not thinking of it earlier, then asked me if I wanted to come to a week-long (1.5 hours a day) job interviewing class. I jumped at the chance and think it will be very good for me.
I've talked it over with the people at MRS and with my counselor last night. They all think this class is a good idea. They also think that my boss is definitely undermining my self-confidence and it would be in my best interest to let the job go.
It scares me to not have something lined up, but I have had a few interviews in the past couple weeks and have the possibilities of a few more. I do have one this morning at a major company. I am saying a little prayer that I will remember enough of what I have practiced so far and that I will have a decent job interview.
I've got to believe that somehow I will pull through by letting this job go. I will at least know I won't have to cringe when the phone rings. No boss telling me that I won't be able to learn something or that I screwed up (because she forgot to explain how to do something - oh, excuse me: she's perfect and doesn't make mistakes.) This has me feeling somewhat like I did before I came up to Michigan. I hate the feeling. I'm not getting any younger and am scared that if I don't get a job soon, I will not be able to get one at all. So, I'm going to take a leap of faith and go for it.