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Hypnotist At The Senior Center

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude, the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"S_ _ _!" said the hypnotist.......

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMMA_BEAR_69 5/4/2012 9:36PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
DH laughed as hard or harder than I did and we were both rolling!!!

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PAMNANGEL 5/4/2012 5:42PM


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SHERYLDS 5/3/2012 5:08PM

    good one.....
bet that was the best BM they had in a long time

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PATTISTAMPS 5/3/2012 1:01PM

    OH OH OH OH.... It took me a second to get this, then I laughed until I cried.... TFS!!!

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MS.ELENI 5/2/2012 9:30PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 5/2/2012 8:37PM

    Uh oh . . . those post hypnotic suggestions will get you in the end! LOL

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BIGMAMAT 5/2/2012 7:13PM

    hahahaha. oh goodness. emoticon

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LAC936 5/2/2012 6:34PM

So much for the show must go on! I bet the audience roared with laughter.

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Wrong E-Mail Address (Priceless)

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

DATE: APRIL 27, 2012

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHERYLDS 5/4/2012 6:19PM

    that was great

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PAMNANGEL 5/4/2012 5:45PM

    emoticonWanna bet the widow joined her husband sooner?

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1CRAZYDOG 5/2/2012 9:49AM

    Uh oh! Messages from beyond!

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MS.ELENI 5/1/2012 10:42PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MY4KITTIES 5/1/2012 10:22PM

    This was funny! Thanks for the laugh!!

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FLAME42 5/1/2012 9:27PM

    From now on I will definitely check my e-mail addresses!!!

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ELSEEBEE 5/1/2012 9:20PM

    This is TOOOOO funny! Thanks for giving me such a good laugh! emoticon

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LILLI56 5/1/2012 9:18PM


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Female Humor

Monday, April 30, 2012

Great Female Humor! After you read the message about the pilots, please read the quote of the day---it is so perfect!

While the C-5 plane was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc..

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan."

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the Captain a woman?"

When the attendant came by he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes!" said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," he said, "I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing, Sergeant," said the crew member, "We no longer call it the cockpit.....It's the box office."

Quote of the day:
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of
s_ _ _! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATTISTAMPS 5/1/2012 11:05AM

    YES!!!!! emoticon

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FLAME42 5/1/2012 7:56AM

    This started my day with a very big smile! When will men learn those facts...

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1CRAZYDOG 4/30/2012 8:48PM

    Definitely YES to that last one! HEE HEE

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MS.ELENI 4/30/2012 6:38PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JIMIPAGE29 4/30/2012 6:14PM

    I'd be nervous to. My wife on a trip from Maine to CT ended up in Newport, RI. emoticon

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    Very nicely stated!!!!! Thanks for sharing.


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Bathtub Test

Sunday, April 29, 2012

During a visit to my Doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Do you want a bed next to mine????? emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFLATED 5/1/2012 2:31AM


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FLAME42 4/30/2012 8:04AM

    Going to have to be a room with LOTS of windows. Of course I would be happy to share a room with you, we would definitely liven up the place.

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1CRAZYDOG 4/29/2012 10:13PM

    window would be fine! LOL

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MS.ELENI 4/29/2012 10:01PM

    Sure why not. emoticon

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JUDYAMK 4/29/2012 9:57PM

    Ha ha funny I read this to my husband

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5 Foods Every Woman Should Eat More Of.......#5

Saturday, April 28, 2012

5. Wild Salmon

Wild salmon is rich in omega-3 fatty acids, vitamin D, and iron, and it's a high-quality source of protein. A word of caution: Independent studies comparing the nutritional content of wild and farmed salmon showed the farmed variety had drastically reduced levels of protein and healthy omega-3 fats. Farmed salmon were also found to have significant levels of carcinogenic substances and other toxins, as well as higher levels of inflammatory omega-6 fats. If you're eating for health, opt for the wild variety.

Salmon is one of the few food sources naturally rich in vitamin D, which is needed to absorb calcium, maintain proper levels of calcium in the blood, and promote normal bone growth. Due to these qualities, vitamin D is regarded as an important nutrient in helping prevent osteoporosis. Sockeye salmon scores the highest in vitamin D; a four-ounce serving of sockeye provides 739 IU of vitamin D---compared to Chinook salmon, which provides 411 IU for the same size serving.

Vitamin D's benefits extend beyond good bones, however. Medical and health experts now recognize this nutrient as playing an essential role in overall health. Unfortunately, vitamin D deficiency is a widespread problem that has been linked to depression and Multiple Sclerosis, two conditions that women are at a higher risk for than men. Researchers have additionally linked low levels of vitamin D with obesity and an increased risk of type 2 diabetes.

Our bodies don't produce essential fatty acids, so we must get them from our diet. Wild salmon is exceptionally rich in heart-healthy omega-3 essential fatty acids, which guard against inflammation, reduce the risk of strokes, lower blood lipids, boost HDL cholesterol, decrease blood pressure, and help prevent heart disease. Omega-3s might be fats, but---in moderation---they're actually pretty figure-friendly: Not only do they slow digestion, which means you feel satiated for longer, but they may also help get rid of belly fat. Several studies link consumption of omega-3s with reduced abdominal fat. Other benefits of omega-3s include a reduced risk of breast cancer and improved brain function. Some research suggests that omega-3s may be helpful in treating depression, although further research is needed in this area.

Quick and healthy tip: Sprinkle salmon fillets with fresh chopped rosemary and black pepper, top with lemon slices, and place under the broiler for ten minutes or until it flakes easily. Leftovers work well the next day crumbled into omelets, sandwiches, or salads.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATTISTAMPS 4/30/2012 9:53AM

    I LOVE wild salmon, and barely tolerate farmed salmon... guess my taste buds do make some good decisions, LOL... Thanks for all the good info, Patti!

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MS.ELENI 4/28/2012 7:31PM

    I am not crazy about it but do eat it once in awhile

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SHERYLDS 4/28/2012 7:23PM

    I've been buying Pink Salmon (canned) by Bumble Bee and Chicken of the Sea.
Both are WILD and reasonable. Around $3.oo a can.

I used to be hooked on tuna...but I wanted mayo with it.
plus they say tuna has higher mercury levels than salmon....soooooo
Canned salmon it is

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