Thursday, July 10, 2014
I just read over my last blog and it felt bleak and heavy until I discovered the source which is feeling guilty.
When dealing with family, guilt is often what we summon up when anyone appears to be letting themselves or us down.
I was and continue to internalize that self condemnation without even recognizing that I'm doing it.
Walking the dog just now and thinking about my son I am struck by how much this very thing is keeping his life all shut down and toxic. It's what I've been doing since I smugly (or was it) enjoyed my maintenance weight stretch of time. Everything felt great and I was serenely pleased with myself, then something slipped. And I started the mental tape that I had to let myself down.
As a recovering nicotine addict, I know how much of our thoughts are not US really but some addictive tape running in our brain. And so it is with feeling guilty, about not doing enough or being enough or whatever can trigger the background (maybe underground) clatter 0f taped messages we carry without knowing it's not real and it's not me; but instead, something I concluded or accepted as true along the way because I think whatever is in my head belongs to me! NOT.
Today I have the will and the clarity to monitor my calories, be stingy with what I choose to intake. May that guilt tape be thoroughly seen for "the false self I harm myself by listening to!" I reclaim being ME, which is centered and clear headed.
These tapes are hard to detach from but honestly, they are nothing more than
"False Evidence Appearing Real ~ FEAR."
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Fuzzy head, fuzzy stroked arm, under slept a few hours, pushed to wake up early enough for a really good walk (to make up for this week's step count), wanting to hide again in oblivion and sleep. But I dreamed. And that pulled me up into this day. Is this really appropriate spark blog or more just semi conscious rumination like I peddled for myself long, long ago? Will it rain or clear up; will my troubled rumblings of self awareness undertones flush to the surface to see?
Journaling before being fully awake was fun once. What do I care about being brutally honest now, other than to get out of my head and into better functioning. Darn it, I need more than I'm providing for me.
Just two pounds over goal and you think that's not a danger? I know my eating habits and the s.o.s. rings clear. Don't go back to sleep this day but drink that iced coffee and type and wake up more. The walk will do me so much good. Stay present to every awareness I can muster in this day.
honor the passionate tiger in you,
Ah, the post script!
Floating head, under slept brain and body, I'm up very early in order to make up for the lower step count of this week. KARON, you complimented me and this urged me to be here now:
I want to deserve the consistency impression I make!
Last night my tenant changed up his routine weekend and instead of leaving (for where ever) like all other weekends, he brought a girl back here. Oops; he forgot to mention to me that this is what he planned on doing, and I want the notice for my own peace and freedom around here. I told him it would be okay but he forgot to just let me know the when. Youth. I'm in need of 3 hours' more sleep.
Here's what I want to say before I go walking and waking from now. I feel GUILTY. I'm cheating myself. That's the feeling that's stirring my pot; I'm not taking care of my business. I'm avoiding all kinds of things that are my responsibilities.
Exhale. The point of the blog a moment ago is this. Here. I can edit the addition to tag on.
It should and will be a very good day. From fuzzy heads, feelings froth upward.
I love you all,
Friday, December 13, 2013
This greeting will be brief I hope because I haven't taken a walk yet and today's weather makes it possible to do. I just want to say that since April of this year I've gotten down to this day. My 6 1/2 years on Spark involved a lot of learning, adapting, applying and analyzing what will work for me.
Maintenance is a forever goal, so there is no ending to this story. I just want to let some folk know that I've gotten this far and you can, too. Never give up on yourself. It all does click in place when you're ready to snap it together.
Happy Holidays and love,
Saturday, June 29, 2013
I've been around the diet websites for years. I've learned more about portion control and calorie counting. I've increased my walking and kept in contact with other team members. I've worked on raising my awareness about the kinds of things I dialogue in my head and discovered there were many negative judgements running loose up there. So why has this spring been different from all the other seasons and years?
Sometimes something just clicks! It's hard to say where that button is that gets pushed, but suddenly everything falls into place. All the separate steps I've taken in all kinds of order and to all different degrees just slipped into the background.
Suddenly, my 'appetite' went away! It stopped controlling me. I want to eat way less often and way smaller amounts. I want light foods and feel the drag from making an exception. My new lightness of being is very reinforcing.
It felt like I was an observer of someone else's experience. The scale just smoothly kept dropping a pound here and a pound there, nice and steady. I was transfixed by the phenomenon.
After so much struggle to get a pound or two back off when I'd so easily gain, the scale was just stepping down. Gracefully sliding down. Maybe I've hypnotized myself, but I doubt it. The pleasure of finding some semblance of a waste line return, pants now so baggy, bra no longer overstuffed, and people able to see that I've lost weight. Well! It's all so pleasantly reinforcing.
So my point is to you, if some addictive eating is still dictating your behavior, that the internal control can suddenly get switched on. Just keep being conscious of all the things you do choose and keep believing that it all comes together in time.
As a tool, my numbers were my reality check so I kept them to the forefront of each day. My numbers aren't important in the long run, but they have certainly helped me to return to a healthy state of mind!
I've come to a maintenance point for June that is still 5 lbs above my goal. I find it important not to fight the body's pausing place. Stabilizing before reaching goal is a big help to our physiological adjustment. If I lose more, fine. But most important is how much better off I am where I am now than what could be in the future. Good job GF.
The Passionate Tiger
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