Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I don't often write about really personal stuff on here, but this has to do with my weight loss journey as well, so I thought I'd share.
My boyfriend and I have been seeing a couples counselor for a few sessions now (he had some issues with lying about certain things, we're getting it worked out). But yesterday the therapist asked us if we were going to go out for dinner tonight or at any point this week. My boyfriend made a sarcastic comment about how we don't go anywhere good anymore cause I'm too focused on my weight loss. The therapist asked him to elaborate and he said some things I didn't even know he felt/thought...
I started this journey by myself back in August. I asked him to come to the gym with me (at this point he was laid off and had a lot of free time.) He would come with me a few days a week, until he found a job. Now he doesn't go at all, ever. He's gone twice in the past four months. I'm not going to pressure him, he has to make this decision on his own. Its not my place to push him into anything he doesn't want to do. However, I have worked my A&& off for the past eight months and have seen great success. I do admit that I am a bit obsessive about it, but I don't let it hinder my relationships at all. I still do all the things I did before, I just don't eat as much when I do those things.
He told the therapist that I cancel appointments so that I can go work out and that I have a set time that I have to go to the gym every day. He told her that I weigh myself daily that I know exactly how many calories I've consumed or will consume for the whole day. It felt like he was attacking me for wanting to better myself. I only canceled one appointment for the chiropractor to go work out because I had been seeing the chiro so much and didn't think that appointment was necessary. I do know how many calories I'm going to consume in one day. If I don't have it planned out I end up over eating and blowing my day completely. I still go out for dinner at places where I don't know the calories (Friday night fish fry is my favorite... beer battered deep fried fish... I eat it at least twice a month. this doesn't bother me. I work it into my calories and get to feast on goodness!)
I cry easily, so while I felt like I was being attacked, I was crying... the therapist was trying to understand why I'm so obsessive about it and I explained it to her the same way I explain it to myself. I was 337, I was fat and unhappy. If I stop focusing on this, I am going to go right back to 337. If I miss a day at the gym here and there, so be it, but if I start missing days just because, I know that I will stop going completely. For me, its easy to start going backwards because I enjoy food so much.
He did feel bad for making me cry. I know he really wasn't trying to be mean, but it was just the fact that he doesn't understand. He can't understand. This is an emotional journey and it takes a lot of motivation and determination to stick with it. I don't feel like I'm as strong as I should be yet. I haven't had to live with this for very long so I don't know how to maintain it yet. I don't know how to balance it with my every day life. Its one step at a time right now. I'm just wondering when it'll be so engrained within me that I won't have to be so obsessive.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Lately I've been stressing out over maintenance. I have about 40 pounds to go and even though that may take me a few months... I am still really scared of trying to maintain that weight. Yes, the eating healthy and the working out isn't going to stop after I get to my goal weight, but where is that happy medium?
As sad as it sounds... I feel like I'm missing out on some great food right now. It sounds pathetic, but I feel like to be this person I want to be, I can't have more than one piece of chocolate in a week or more than 1500 calories in a day. That's not normal though. There is gonna be a party or a special occasion and I don't WANT to have to track. I don't want to manage every little thing I put into my mouth. Right now I do cause I know that if I don't, I'll pay for it. It shouldn't be like that... should it? How do the always skinny people do it? They don't track... they don't not go out because they are afraid that they will gain. Why do I have to be?
I feel better about the stuff I eat right now, but I would also like to indulge in a hamburger every once in a while or go to the Chinese buffet without being scared of the repercussions. I weigh myself once, sometimes twice a day just to stay on track. I am afraid that if I don't, I'll lose sight of what I'm doing here.
I know, this blog sounds whiny and I should be happy for all the weight I've lost... but I'm so scared of the rest of my life. It took 7 months to take off 100 pounds, it could switch in an instant and take 7 months to put that right back on :-/
How do you maintain and still be happy?
Monday, April 02, 2012
For the past 75 pounds or so I've been contemplating what I would write if I ever got to 100 pounds lost. Well I'm here and I still don't know what to say! When I started this journey, 337 pounds and a size 30-32 pants and 26-28 top, I never thought I would get here. I remember the first few weeks felt like they were just DRAGGING on and on and on. There were many times I wanted to give up or give in and just over eat. But I held strong, didn't give in to too many temptations and am now at 237 pounds, size 20 pants and 16/18 tops. About 337 here, August 2010
I didn't realize how big I was. I knew I was fat, but its those full body pictures that make you gasp and say "oh my god". But even then, I did nothing about it. Why doesn't someone tell you you look like sh*t?! Eww... I can't believe I'm even letting this picture out of my little dark hidey hole, but NO MORE, not ever, ever again...
Then there was Vegas... Vegas was my "moment" where I said, "As soon as I get home, I'm going to the gym and changing". And I did. I was sick of not being able to look cute like my friends did when we went out. I was sick of sweating constantly no matter where we were or what we were doing. I was super sick of being "the fat friend" and not even being able to really fit in that polka dot dress (above) anymore.
Here is one of the last pictures ever taken of me being 337 pounds:
Then after that, after I got back and started going to the gym religiously, everything changed. I have more self confidence, I feel better, I'm not always the gross sweaty one(except at the gym, I sweat like crazy there) and I'm happy. My journey isn't over, but I'm glad I'm out of those beginning stages, where it felt like it was never gonna happen and that was never gonna be me.
I'm still afraid of going backwards - afraid of not being so on track and only allowing myself a few indulgences. Last night I indulged in Noodles (Mac and Cheese) for the first time in over seven months. It was delicious... but at the same time, I felt guilty. I knew I should be eating better than that, but that's what I wanted. I was still within my calorie ranges for the day and have found over the past seven months that it is ok to indulge in a few things. Its actually has kept me on track better than if I didn't eat anything bad. A few things here and there, and especially in moderation, don't hurt you too horribly on the scale.
A friend of mine asks me all the time how I get so much motivation. I don't know if its motivation so much as being terrified. I've missed MAYBE 20 days at the gym since I started going in August because I'm so scared that if I take more than a day off that I'll stop going all together. This isn't a good way to carry on. All this fear I have built up will make me fail in the long run... I need to learn how to get over "I'm afraid of going back" and more "this is my new life and to be healthy and happy, THIS is what you have to do."
Don't mind my dorky boyfriend... About 250 here.
So as right now I'm happy with where I am, I want to keep going. I would LOVE to see that 1 on the scale. I remember hitting the 200's in middle school and thinking "this is gonna change, I'm not gonna go any higher than this." Freshman year... 214. It just kept going up and up and up and as I knew I was putting on weight, I did NOTHING about it. Now, I know I can do it, I KNOW I can do anything I put my mind to and I KNOW that I'll be able to see 199.
Monday, February 06, 2012
I know that I haven't fallen completely off the wagon, however, I do feel like I've become a bit more lax in my efforts. This doesn't fly with me. I can't afford to be in the maintenance mind set right now. I have so much left to lose before I can even consider what that might include. So I have to re-prioritize, remember why I got to where I was in the first place, and why I NEVER want to go back there, EVER, EVER again.
Long term goals:
-Lose 67 more pounds. This would put me at my first goal of 190. I will reevaluate if I want to lose further after that. I don't know if 190 is possible. I'm so tall and have a large frame... I don't know if 190 exists in here. The Wii fit says to be at a healthy weight I should be 148. HAH! Never gonna happen!
-Become a size 18 or smaller.
-Run a 5k
Medium term goals:
-214 pounds. The weight I was as freshman in HS. 1/4/01 – To be this weight again would be amazing. I know it was never any less than that after that day. It only kept rising from there.
Short term goals:
-Lose 100 pounds. 237. 20 more pounds to go!
-Work on Jillian Michaels 30 day shred as daily as possible.
Ways to get to where I want to be:
-More veggies and fruit
-I've gotten a little lazy on the eating out thing... this is how I got to where I was... no more of this! Only on special occasions. (Subway and Panera don't count... those are my “healthy” places)
-Stay around 1700 calories a day. One cheat day around 2000 calories.
-Start weight lifting more consistently. Right now its about 3 days a week. Bump this up to 4 (or every other day, no matter whats going on) And do it for about 45-60 minutes.
-Start alternating walking days (on incline only) and elliptical days. Elliptical at least 10 resistance for 30 min straight.
Often times we read in blogs on this site about how we didn't realize we looked so bad. This is true with me as well. I didn't think I was THAT girl. The fat one that hid behind her baggy clothes and sense of humor. Now that I've shed 80 pounds, I have this confidence that I wasn't sure existed in me. I'm starting to wear clothes that are fit and make me look good with my new curves. Before it was baggy sweatshirts and the same pair of jeans (I had 3-4 of the same exact pair of jeans because I thought they looked good on me. They didn't. They just stretched to fit over my chub.) We all wonder how we got there... I know exactly how I got there. Whole boxes of brownies and no portion control, what-so-ever.
I'm the one on the left... I thought this shirt looked good on me, hid the fat. Nope. Just made me look like a balloon. 337ish pounds.
I don't remember the last time I weighed 257. Probably because when I was there I was only there for a minute, climbing up the fat ladder. It was a daunting task at 337, thinking about losing 150 pounds or so. Now its just life. I'm actually doing it for me and am sticking with it because I can't give up. Not again. Not after I've come this far. I love the compliments and the looks that people give me even though they don't say anything. If I give up I've just let myself down and let people know that I'm always gonna be that fat girl. I don't want that. Not at all.
Again, the one on the left, about 68 pounds down here.
I'm still so scared though. This journey feels like it is going to be never ending. I'm going to have to watch my food intake for the rest of my life. Maybe not counting calories and writing them down, but at least still be diligent about my working out and eating right. But I suppose, nothing in life comes easy, right?
Monday, January 16, 2012
This past couple of weeks has kind of just been exhausting. I had to give up my role as a BLC leader because I just couldn't put forth enough effort and support that the teams need due to a bunch of reasons. I really hate that I let the other leaders down and I hope to be able to get back into it at some point, but right now... I just can't.
A good friend of mine and my boyfriends got into a car accident a couple of weeks ago. At first they thought it was just a broken nose and collar bone, but a few days later he started having mini strokes due to blood clots in his throat. He's paralyzed on his right side and can hardly talk. His wife isn't giving us much information so a lot of what we are hearing is hearsay. She won't let us go visit him, won't let us call her... we don't know anything. Its so aggravating, depressing and frustrating not knowing whats going on.
To top it off, my car decided to break on me and shred a brand new tire. The spring/strut broke on it and its leaking fluids. The technician just called and said it would be 1460. AWESOME, something else I can't afford!
I don't know if its stress or what but I haven't lost any weight since the beginning of the year and its getting to be really frustrating. I haven't changed anything, still working out just the same, eating the same amount of calories, the scale just isn't moving at all. I have plateaued. I am stuck. I really think I am destined to be fat for the rest of my life. 266 is not skinny, nor will it ever be. I don't want to be here forever. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So, to try to break through this plateau I've started the C25k. I'm on week one, today will be day three. Day two kind of sucked... I got through it but it was hard. Probably cause I was still sore from day one. Not as sore today so day three should be a little easier. I don't know though that I'm going to be able to move on to the next step by Wednesday... I may do two weeks for each step. I'm not sure how I like it yet either. I have never been much of a runner, so we'll see how it goes. I just want to do ANYTHING to get me off of 266.
I've also upped my calories. I think I might have been starving my body, though, I always felt full. Instead of 1300-1400 calories, I'm going to shoot for 1700 to 1800. Hopefully this will jump start me again. If not... I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I can last more than a couple weeks without wanting to completely give up.
The final piece of big stress is the fact that nobody ever stops asking my boyfriend and I when we are getting married. I want to get married, I love him and want to be with him. He feels the same way. Right now though, we have one problem to work through that is just not letting us move forward. Its something that could make or break a relationship in the future and I'm not going to move forward to just get divorced a couple years down the road. I just know its not smart to move ahead when we already know there is this issue. It has nothing to do with another person, or money or if we love each other, its just something we need to get over together. So I lie and tell people its because we don't have enough money for a wedding (ok, this isn't too far off... we don't have the money for it, but that's not the real reason!)... I don't know what to do any more. How fast do I have to get over this to move on? How do I know if its not going to ever get better?
Need a therapist much?! YES!
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