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Now my therapist knows I'm obsessed too...

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I don't often write about really personal stuff on here, but this has to do with my weight loss journey as well, so I thought I'd share.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing a couples counselor for a few sessions now (he had some issues with lying about certain things, we're getting it worked out). But yesterday the therapist asked us if we were going to go out for dinner tonight or at any point this week. My boyfriend made a sarcastic comment about how we don't go anywhere good anymore cause I'm too focused on my weight loss. The therapist asked him to elaborate and he said some things I didn't even know he felt/thought...

I started this journey by myself back in August. I asked him to come to the gym with me (at this point he was laid off and had a lot of free time.) He would come with me a few days a week, until he found a job. Now he doesn't go at all, ever. He's gone twice in the past four months. I'm not going to pressure him, he has to make this decision on his own. Its not my place to push him into anything he doesn't want to do. However, I have worked my A&& off for the past eight months and have seen great success. I do admit that I am a bit obsessive about it, but I don't let it hinder my relationships at all. I still do all the things I did before, I just don't eat as much when I do those things.

He told the therapist that I cancel appointments so that I can go work out and that I have a set time that I have to go to the gym every day. He told her that I weigh myself daily that I know exactly how many calories I've consumed or will consume for the whole day. It felt like he was attacking me for wanting to better myself. I only canceled one appointment for the chiropractor to go work out because I had been seeing the chiro so much and didn't think that appointment was necessary. I do know how many calories I'm going to consume in one day. If I don't have it planned out I end up over eating and blowing my day completely. I still go out for dinner at places where I don't know the calories (Friday night fish fry is my favorite... beer battered deep fried fish... I eat it at least twice a month. this doesn't bother me. I work it into my calories and get to feast on goodness!)

I cry easily, so while I felt like I was being attacked, I was crying... the therapist was trying to understand why I'm so obsessive about it and I explained it to her the same way I explain it to myself. I was 337, I was fat and unhappy. If I stop focusing on this, I am going to go right back to 337. If I miss a day at the gym here and there, so be it, but if I start missing days just because, I know that I will stop going completely. For me, its easy to start going backwards because I enjoy food so much.

He did feel bad for making me cry. I know he really wasn't trying to be mean, but it was just the fact that he doesn't understand. He can't understand. This is an emotional journey and it takes a lot of motivation and determination to stick with it. I don't feel like I'm as strong as I should be yet. I haven't had to live with this for very long so I don't know how to maintain it yet. I don't know how to balance it with my every day life. Its one step at a time right now. I'm just wondering when it'll be so engrained within me that I won't have to be so obsessive.

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COOKIE_AT_51 7/22/2012 7:33AM


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PANDAS10 5/18/2012 2:21PM

    I'm glad that you shared this blog.
I think that it is a good example of how sometimes the people who should support us the most can fail us the greatest.
I hope that you are able to work things out, but HE needs to accept that you are on this journey. Let's say you were going to graduate school and had to complete certain assignments and maintain a certain grade - would your boyfriend say that you spending lots of time (dreaming, breathing, living school work) are "obsessed" with completing your goal?
Really, it isn't any different.

If your therapist tries to tell you that you need to cut back or are acting in an obsessive manner, I would: a) ask if she has EVER been morbidly obese (if she is or has been, then she should be more understanding; if she NEVER has been, then she lacks empathy for your journey and cannot comprehend the effort it takes to make it work); and b) tell her that if she cannot be supportive of your efforts to improve your health and wellbeing, you'll find someone who is.

You should NOT change what you are doing to make your boyfriend more comfortable.

Before I met my husband, one of the qualities I was looking for was someone who is or wanted to be active and fit (and usually those men don't like big women). But I knew that I COULD NOT be with someone who had the same issues with food and weight that I did.... I couldn't carry that burden of trying to "fix" both of us and I couldn't be with someone who didn't understand or care about their own health - if only because I knew that to make the appropriate changes, I couldn't have someone sabotaging it.

I do hope your boyfriend will come around and accept YOU and that this journey is part of you. He should love you more for your determination, motivation, and success... not try to bring you down because he isn't the main focus of your attention. There may come a point that you will have to re-evaluate your relationship and if you are better off with or without him... (and I know it sucks to think of it that way, at all).

Please know that you always have us here to support you with even the most difficult aspects of this journey!
Hang in there and don't let any of this bring you down!

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    All of us must be obsessed, then! I've had the same issues with my husband. He was annoyed that I would go to the gym in the afternoons after work and didn't want to go out to eat as much. Since I've been doing this for over a year now, he's finally realized that the gym is something I'm going to do no matter what, so he can get over it. I'm only there for an hour, so hey, it's a worthwhile hour in my opinion.

In consideration of him, I have actually tried to stop talking with him so much about weight, weight loss, food and things like that. For instance, when we go to restaurants, I no longer ponder aloud which food has less calories and so on. Anyone would get annoyed with someone who is ALWAYS talking about calories, food, working out, what the scale said that morning, etc. So I try to talk about what I did at work or topics that aren't so weight-loss related.

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ANIMAL_L0VER 5/17/2012 1:36PM

    Everyone else has already said everything I could think to say, so I won't repeat. But know I'm here for you if you need to vent, and so many of us are going through what you are. I cried talking to my boyfriend about it the other night. He can never understand, no matter how supportive he tries to be. Just know that you're doing nothing wrong, and keep it up for you. *hugs*

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EFFIEANNIE 5/16/2012 8:53AM

    Just reading through all the comments just proves what smart people we have here on Spark. I can add nothing new, except good luck to you. Keep your commitment level high and go for it!

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ROCHELLE62 5/16/2012 2:24AM

    I would hope that part of the therapy is to figure out if you belong together. I hope you have a really good guy that was just having a bad day, but honestly, I would love to know that you are with someone that makes you feel like you can conquor anything and that when you do, he will be your biggest cheerleader. You have worked hard to regain health and strength, femininity and sexiness, and that isn't something to cry over. When we are big, we HAVE to be able to track it all to learn how to make better decisions. Weight loss won't come between you ever, but there is a chance that behavior/speach that demeans or belittles could. I hope he can become the guy you can count on for a very long time.

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    Well if you're obsessed then we all are. We wouldn't be on this weight loss journey if we didn't eat too much and NOT track what we were eating. I have found that any relaxation in my diet leads to stalled weight loss and irritability on my part. My husband did NOT used to be on my side until we started watching The Biggest Loser TOGETHER. When the contestants would talk about feeling fat and ugly and worthless, I would make comments like, "Yep, that's exactly how it is," and somehow, he finally got the picture. I am not someone who can talk about my feelings very well and this was a sort of good way to get my points across without really just talking directly about it.

I think you're doing just fine! Maybe he's a little scared that when you lose enough weight you'll leave him. Maybe it's insecurity or anxiety on his end. Who knows. What I DO know is that in order to continue to lose weight you need to be a little selfish and it sounds like he doesn't like that fact.

Whatever you do, YOU are most important to YOU. Nobody else matters as much as taking care of your own body matters. Hang in there!

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SUPERACHIEVER 5/15/2012 5:44PM

    PandaSue, for what it's worth, if you find that you feel you need to cut back, you now know that you will always have the needed support here at SP. Judging from the comments already left for you, I would venture to say that they all make very valid points and you should at least take the advice and consider it. But even so, if you feel you need to change in any way, you know that you have all the support you could ever need to get you through any mountains or obstacles here at SP. On top of that, if you feel you are spending too much time exercising (and I do that too), then you should looking in to one of the new challenges I just found a few days ago. It's the "Daily 10 Minute Exercise Challenge" or even the most recent one I read about where only the first 60 seconds of your day is all it takes.

Whatever you decide, you have your supporters here and we will see you through anything that may come your way. :)

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JANDLP 5/15/2012 3:09PM

    You are not obsessed. You are strong minded, my friend.....and you are doing this for YOU.....I understand completely.

This is your journey......and nobody elses......

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    You sound alot like me in that they way that I accomplish things is to put my whole heart into it. If I half do it, I lose interest really fast(curse of an Aries, if you believe in that). It takes alot for me to keep on track of anything because often I dont want to put that much effort into it, and of course, if I dont, it doesnt get done.

I agree that this is a healthy obsession and you should continue! It really does sound like hes insecure with everything. He most likely feels like when you lose the weight, you may "outgrow" him. Just keep encouraging him to come with you, choose healthy things for you two to do together that he might like(hard to do, I have a homebody hubby too), as far as eating out, there are many places now that offer fattening and non fattening foods.

Its hard to have your other half going in a different direction than you are. Truth is, and this is blunt, it may be that once you achieve your goal, you will have outgrown him and thats just something that will have to be dealt with in therapy. Often people who have two different directions have to find that common ground and work with it. Hell have to step up or youll both have to give and take to keep it together. Its tough, but well worth it if you have a strong marriage. Im guessing(and perhaps wrong) that before this lifechoice, you were doting on him and putting yourself last. Now, you are putting yourself and your health first and perhaps jealousy as well as fear has alot to do with his insecurities.

You have done well, and you have your mind made up to lose this weight and get yourself healthier. Dont let ANYONE take that away. Those that truely love you will support you, even if they dont know exactly how. You are worth every minute in that gym and every ounce of work you put into it so you keep on taking care of you! If you dont, noone will!!

YOU ARE SO WORTH IT!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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DELHSI 5/15/2012 2:00PM

    Well, you're not alone! I don't know if I call it obsession or just strong focus. I'm like you - if I don't watch those calories and work out (still have to force myself to do daily) then yep, I quickly back slide.

I notice your boyfriend is a bigger guy - maybe he is feeling threatened by your weight loss or 'left behind'. I'm sorry he made you cry (I cry easily too) but it may be good he said something because maybe he has some insecurities here that you didn't know about??? Either way, you still gotta focus on you and that's okay!

Great job on your weight loss accomplishments - truly encouraging!

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ANGELWENDYMAMA 5/15/2012 11:59AM

    It doesn't sound like your boyfriend supports you getting healthy, but it does sound like an obsession. I think it is a healthy one though. I'm doing the same thing. I know some people in maintenance who are learning to take the training wheels off, so to speak, as they stop tracking food, for instance.Good Luck. Be strong.

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MEGANK45 5/15/2012 11:37AM

    Weight loss takes constant work and dedication and planning and that is what you're doing! I'm sorry to hear he doesn't understand but hopefully he will be more supportive and try to understand the amazing thing you are doing for yourself (which will benefit every other part of your life including your relationship with him)! You're doing awesome and don't let anything or anyone get in your way of what will make you happy and healthy!

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EBIELOU 5/15/2012 11:11AM

    Obsessed? I don't think so. I think he may have to figure out where he fits into the new lifestyle. Sometimes it gets hard. The guy that I am talking to knows how much not being "fat" anymore means to me so we plan dates that are active and we eat healthy! You can do this with him and he can do this with you! Goodluck on your journey and don't look at it as an obsession because it's truly not. It's determination and hardwork!

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LOVEANANIMAL 5/15/2012 10:29AM

    You are not obsessed! You are focused and determined, which are great qualities!!! Don't let your boyfriend (or anyone else) hold you back from your goals and improving your life (and by adding many years to your life). He is feeling inferior because you are kicking butt, though that is his problem, not yours.

You need a person who is a strong support system-who provides understanding and shares your viewpoints (which should come naturally to them, not in a counselling session). My two cents worth; don't waste your time with someone who doesn't love you completely and unconditionally, and who doesn't have your best interest at heart.

I am very proud of you for all your hard work!!! Hang in there and never, ever give up on your goals!!!

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AUDISP 5/15/2012 10:16AM

    Hang in there. I understand about being obsessive. When I don't think about what I'm going to eat, that is usually why I start backsliding.

Glad you're seeing someone. Maybe this was for the best. The therapist might have some ideas to help you along on your journey. Look at it as a blessing.

Take care


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    I understand where you are coming from. When I was married my ex didn't really support me he just watched me eat and eat til I was 250 lbs. He was scared to upset me I guess. I now am trying to lose weight but depression and stress has overcome these goals and now I'm turning to people on here to get my life back. I had lost 60 lbs but those lbs are slowly gaining back. I wish you good luck and better support!

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So scared of maintaining...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Lately I've been stressing out over maintenance. I have about 40 pounds to go and even though that may take me a few months... I am still really scared of trying to maintain that weight. Yes, the eating healthy and the working out isn't going to stop after I get to my goal weight, but where is that happy medium?

As sad as it sounds... I feel like I'm missing out on some great food right now. It sounds pathetic, but I feel like to be this person I want to be, I can't have more than one piece of chocolate in a week or more than 1500 calories in a day. That's not normal though. There is gonna be a party or a special occasion and I don't WANT to have to track. I don't want to manage every little thing I put into my mouth. Right now I do cause I know that if I don't, I'll pay for it. It shouldn't be like that... should it? How do the always skinny people do it? They don't track... they don't not go out because they are afraid that they will gain. Why do I have to be?

I feel better about the stuff I eat right now, but I would also like to indulge in a hamburger every once in a while or go to the Chinese buffet without being scared of the repercussions. I weigh myself once, sometimes twice a day just to stay on track. I am afraid that if I don't, I'll lose sight of what I'm doing here.

I know, this blog sounds whiny and I should be happy for all the weight I've lost... but I'm so scared of the rest of my life. It took 7 months to take off 100 pounds, it could switch in an instant and take 7 months to put that right back on :-/

How do you maintain and still be happy?

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    The SparkLive class was about maintenance this week. I think they said exercise 2-3 times a week and track a couple times a week. Keep within a 3 lb range of your goal weight and if you go above that, start to pay more attention, track daily, and work out more. You can do it!!

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BLUEANNIEDOG 4/22/2012 1:49PM

    "Once in a while" is the key. Do all the things that help you be healthy 90% of the time. The other 10% can offer some flexibility.

Just be careful. Warning signs of impending regain for me are:

1. When I stop weighing daily.

2. When I hear myself saying or thinking, "I'll get back on it tomorrow. . ." and tomorrow doesn't come for a month.

3. When I eat a cookie and find that I can't stop at one or two.

4. When I stop tracking food.

You can do it. Just be honest with yourself and get right back on your plan ASAP.

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BAILEYS7OF9 4/20/2012 3:48PM

    hey! I have been maintaining for 2 1/2 yrs! You can do it. You will be surprised at how ingrained healthy eating and working out becomes. You will be aware of things are not not 'right' but will know to keep them in moderation!


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ANIMAL_L0VER 4/20/2012 12:50PM

    I completely understand your fears and frustrations about this... I've been there (one of my big fears is stressing about the need to purchase all new clothes when I lose more weight and knowing I don't have the money for it; and what if I put weight back on and don't have "fat" clothes?). I try to focus on the here and now, the fact that I need to focus on eating healthy and exercising and losing the weight. I will deal with the other stuff when it's an issue. Too often, when we worry about what might/could/will happen on top of the things we need to deal with and focus on right now, we become super overwhelmed and then give in to all temptation and bad habits. I don't wanna see that happen to you after all your hard work.

As for your questions "How do the always skinny people do it? They don't track... they don't not go out because they are afraid that they will gain. Why do I have to be?" There's really an easy way to look at that... Skinnier people don't tend to have the dependent, bad, obsessive relationship with food and eating like many of us on SparkPeople do. Perhaps they were taught good nutrition and healthy eating when they were kids, perhaps they resort to other unhealthy habits (such as cutting, eating disorder, etc.), perhaps they've been through therapy, or any number of other things. The thing I've learned is that everyone is different, everyone has their own vices, demons, saving graces, and what not, and I need to work to not only change my habits (exercise more, eat less, eat different foods) but I also have to look at what makes me overeat and eat unhealthy and be a lazy lump on the couch to begin with. Change the behaviors, but also change the source of the cause.

As for being able to splurge sometimes, I honestly think that splurging is something that makes life fun, as long as the splurges are occasional. Eating a burger or Chinese buffet ONCE IN A GREAT WHILE may change your weight slightly, but you can take it right back off as long as you follow your healthy habits MOST OF THE TIME and only RARELY splurge. And it's important to truly enjoy the splurge, rather than feeling guilty or worrying about the result of it. The result should be that you're truly enjoying that occasional treat. Besides, what fun is a splurge if it's a regular thing?

Sorry, I made this longer than I wanted, but I hope it helps you at least a little. Live in the now, and enjoy your weekend!

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TIDESONG 4/20/2012 12:07PM

    I'm very scared of that, too, though I have quite a ways to go. I'm trying not to worry about it right now, but I worry about everything, so... I don't know what to tell you, and I'm hoping others will have great advice for you. I wish you the best!

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AHTRAP 4/20/2012 1:31AM

    Worry about it when you get there.

I don't say that to be mean, it's just the attitude I'm taking for myself.

Here's the thing, you're losing weight now, and you have another few months of effort to get there. You're obviously obsessive about your weight (again, in this case, you're a mirror of myself, as I check 1-2 times a day, too, so I'm not calling you anything I don't call myself), so WHEN you get to that goal weight, you will be very cognizant of a) what you're eating, from all the practice you have from getting TO that point, and b) what effect it has on you.

By that point, the good habits you're using to get there are going to be ingrained. But, AT that point, those habits will need to be modified, since you're no longer going to want to lose further weight. And, as such, at that point, you'll have a bit of leeway in terms of what you eat, and what you leave on the table. Or, to put it a different way, you may have the leeway to nibble on that chocolate, or to go out for that special occasion, without needing to burden yourself with the guilt that may accompany such actions now.

I'm using the same thoughts, to some degree, laying off some foods, turning down an invite out to dinner on occasion with the idea of having those be a reward for when I get to that goal weight, with that exact thought - when I get there, I won't be looking to lose even more weight, so I'll able to enjoy some of those yummies....but, with the practice to do so in moderation.

Don't know if that makes sense for your mindset, but since you seem to be a mirror of me in a few not unimportant ways, thought I'd share those thoughts.

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BADSEEDGIRL 4/19/2012 9:33PM

    Maintaining is hard, and when I was less than 20 lbs. from my goal weight, I fell off the wagon hard. That is when I learned that I will ALWAYS have to measure my foods. I am not an intuitive eater. If I was able to push away from the table, I would not have been in a size 16 to begin with! I do not consider measuring my food a burden. It is a life style choice. I also forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the past. When I make a mistake, or overindulge, I forgive and move on. That is the biggest thing to learn, and I am still working on learning this lesson.

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BADSEEDGIRL 4/19/2012 9:32PM

    Maintaining is hard, and when I was less than 20 lbs. from my goal weight, I fell off the wagon hard. That is when I learned that I will ALWAYS have to measure my foods. I am not an intuitive eater. If I was able to push away from the table, I would not have been in a size 16 to begin with! I do not consider measuring my food a burden. It is a life style choice. I also forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the past. When I make a mistake, or overindulge, I forgive and move on. That is the biggest thing to learn, and I am still working on learning this lesson.

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    I am about 30 lbs away and I believe I may track for the rest of my life. Some people can eat intuitively, but I have not been blessed with stopping when I'm full or not overeating. I didn't get to where I was by tracking, portion control and eating healthily. I traveled this road once before and it was only when I *stopped* tracking and weighing my food and myself that I gained it all back. And then more. It is such a slippery slope for me. So I can't look at tracking as a bad thing, I look at it as one of the KEY things that I will do to help keep me on track. ...and it could take less than 7 months to put back on 100 pounds. I blogged a couple weeks ago lamenting the loss of food as I once knew it as well, so this blog speaks to me.

Maybe maintenance for you will be tracking in a low range of calories and enjoying a guilt free meal out or social situation out once a week? I don't know. I've been mulling around my maintenance ideas in my head as well lately.

We can do it. We will do it.

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GETFIT2LIVE 4/19/2012 5:36PM

    I am at a point now where maintenance is staring me in the face, and I've come to the conclusion that I will probably always track my food, at least generally, so I know what I'm doing. Some people can get by without tracking; I know me, it's too easy to "forget" what I ate and overdo it. I DO splurge occasionally and have the piece of cake or fries or other high-cal goodie; it's a choice that I make sometimes, and that's fine. I adjust what I'm eating the rest of the day or the next day to accommodate the extra and know that as long as I'm eating well most of the time, occasional splurges aren't going to undo everything. That's where tracking and weighing in regularly comes in; knowing what you're consuming and how your weight is affected lets you know whether you're still on track or need to make adjustments. Good luck; you can do it!

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TANYA602 4/19/2012 5:05PM

    Oh how I wish I could reach out and give you a hug!
The comments before me really sum it up best. I think we will learn so much through this journey, and that we will be at a point one day where we can splurge every now and again (or even again and again) and then get up the next morning and get moving and shaking and eat what we know is really good for us.

Every Thursday we have a science teacher meeting over lunch and someone brings in lunch. I work with those skinny people you mention, and today I watched as they ate one piece, if not two, of chocolate layered cake alongside a giant sub sandwich. There was a delicious green salad so I took some of that, ate a small slice of sandwich with no bread, and told myself I don't even like chocolate to begin with. It's a daily choice we make, and you really can't beat yourself up over it. Yes, splurge on that hamburger or Chinese food every once in awhile. Stay away from the scale when you do, and just remember that we only live once. There have to be some simple pleasures. You are in control of them, though.

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MMARIE73187 4/19/2012 4:07PM

    i can relate to that feeling for sure. i haven't really gotten that far but once i do i'm scared i could put it right back on. and while now i track, i dont ALWAYS track. sometimes i just kind of...keep track in my head and do my best to stay accountable. no, no one person is perfect. and all those skinny people who don't have to track, they were blessed with better metabolisms and they've never had to change their eating habits.

maybe it's not such a good thing to weigh yourself everyday. i know you feel like it's keeping you accountable, but it could be bringing you down. your weight will fluctuate every day regardless of when you step on the scale. i had to force myself to stop stepping on the scale every day. now i only step on the scale first thing saturday morning, and that way i don't have to feel guilty or bad about the fluctuations in the middle of the week too. if i've lost 1 lb then i celebrate that 1 lb and strive for 2 the next week. reflect on if i indulged too much over the week, but it's really not worth worrying about so much during the week. maybe allow yourself one over-indulgence each week so you've got it planned out and you're still sticking to your plan. i know i overindulged on taco tuesday at the local tavern. nachos and tacos, a d sweet potato fries! but i didn't run home to the scale to rub it in my own face. all i can do is hold out for the end of the week. and if it turns out the scale says i gained, then so be it. it's a lesson and i know i have some adjustments to make for the following week.

it can't be an all of a sudden move to stop tracking. maybe once a week for now you just don't track, or only track the big things. i find that if i spend too much time fretting about the 3 chocolate chips i ate then i never even got a chance to enjoy them. this is the best advice i can offer for now. don't lean too much on the tracking if you plan to stop it one day- you may be surprised at what limits you stick to in a day without the numbers! and PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself and the scale. of course you're going to weigh more on a day you had a heartier meal, but at the end of the week- it's all the same. just try to relax and not make your goals look so mean. :)
you can do it. one day you won't need to track and you'll be fine!


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THINNYGINNY 4/19/2012 4:01PM

    I think about this too - what I have heard that makes sense is that skinny people don't eat when they're not hungry - and when they overindulge - they eat less the next day. That seems do-able to me - to eat clean and careful most of the time, and then when there is a party or whatever - enjoy in moderation (instead of oh - well I've blown it, might as well eat everything that isn't nailed down...) and then eat a little less and exercise a little more the next day. But yeah - the idea of maintaining scares me too - Cause right now I am jazzed about losing and getting attention and rewards when I lose... but will anyone care when I maintain - and will I build a system of rewards for myself to maintain? How to be excited about maintaining is my question!!!

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KT-NICHOLS-13 4/19/2012 3:57PM

    WOW, I ask the same questions ALL the time. I too don't want to track the rest of my life and I don't want to live in fear of gaining "it all" back once I've reached goal. I think, part of the answer is in what we already know and live now ... moderation is key. I look forward to hearing from everyone else on this blog.

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100 pounds down... with pics.

Monday, April 02, 2012

For the past 75 pounds or so I've been contemplating what I would write if I ever got to 100 pounds lost. Well I'm here and I still don't know what to say! When I started this journey, 337 pounds and a size 30-32 pants and 26-28 top, I never thought I would get here. I remember the first few weeks felt like they were just DRAGGING on and on and on. There were many times I wanted to give up or give in and just over eat. But I held strong, didn't give in to too many temptations and am now at 237 pounds, size 20 pants and 16/18 tops. About 337 here, August 2010

I didn't realize how big I was. I knew I was fat, but its those full body pictures that make you gasp and say "oh my god". But even then, I did nothing about it. Why doesn't someone tell you you look like sh*t?! Eww... I can't believe I'm even letting this picture out of my little dark hidey hole, but NO MORE, not ever, ever again...

Then there was Vegas... Vegas was my "moment" where I said, "As soon as I get home, I'm going to the gym and changing". And I did. I was sick of not being able to look cute like my friends did when we went out. I was sick of sweating constantly no matter where we were or what we were doing. I was super sick of being "the fat friend" and not even being able to really fit in that polka dot dress (above) anymore.
Here is one of the last pictures ever taken of me being 337 pounds:

Then after that, after I got back and started going to the gym religiously, everything changed. I have more self confidence, I feel better, I'm not always the gross sweaty one(except at the gym, I sweat like crazy there) and I'm happy. My journey isn't over, but I'm glad I'm out of those beginning stages, where it felt like it was never gonna happen and that was never gonna be me.

I'm still afraid of going backwards - afraid of not being so on track and only allowing myself a few indulgences. Last night I indulged in Noodles (Mac and Cheese) for the first time in over seven months. It was delicious... but at the same time, I felt guilty. I knew I should be eating better than that, but that's what I wanted. I was still within my calorie ranges for the day and have found over the past seven months that it is ok to indulge in a few things. Its actually has kept me on track better than if I didn't eat anything bad. A few things here and there, and especially in moderation, don't hurt you too horribly on the scale.

A friend of mine asks me all the time how I get so much motivation. I don't know if its motivation so much as being terrified. I've missed MAYBE 20 days at the gym since I started going in August because I'm so scared that if I take more than a day off that I'll stop going all together. This isn't a good way to carry on. All this fear I have built up will make me fail in the long run... I need to learn how to get over "I'm afraid of going back" and more "this is my new life and to be healthy and happy, THIS is what you have to do."

Don't mind my dorky boyfriend... About 250 here.

So as right now I'm happy with where I am, I want to keep going. I would LOVE to see that 1 on the scale. I remember hitting the 200's in middle school and thinking "this is gonna change, I'm not gonna go any higher than this." Freshman year... 214. It just kept going up and up and up and as I knew I was putting on weight, I did NOTHING about it. Now, I know I can do it, I KNOW I can do anything I put my mind to and I KNOW that I'll be able to see 199.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAWATKINS 1/29/2014 4:52PM

    Very Inspiring! Keep up the good work!

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IMEMINE1 12/7/2013 9:33AM

    emoticon emoticon

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JOANNHUNT 1/28/2013 11:52AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOVEANANIMAL 5/15/2012 10:35AM

    Wow! How awesome is that!!! 100 pounds gone!!! emoticon

Nothing wrong with "fear" helping us be determined to never go back to our unhealthy ways. You are an inspiration and I am very proud of you!

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CHEVFAM80 5/10/2012 8:25AM

    You are almost there - so keep up the great work and remember to continue to post to get others to help motivate you. Great job!

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SANDYLH1 5/8/2012 5:45PM


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MEMEME75 4/30/2012 11:59AM

    Amazing accomplishment. Keep it up!

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IMIN2GENES 4/30/2012 7:58AM

    emoticon You look beautiful! Dorky boyfriend and all... LOL!

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TASNIM81 4/30/2012 4:35AM

    Congrats on your awesome progress!! emoticon emoticon

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CRINKLYMONKEY 4/28/2012 8:17AM

    I have a very long way to go as well and it is overwhelming. I am reading your blog right now to maintain motivation. Thanks for sharing emoticon

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LUVTOBOWL 4/26/2012 2:59PM

    Very inspirational.....keep going until you reach your goal, finish what you've started girl, I know you can do it. Thanks for encouraging me. emoticon emoticon

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SHELL22222 4/24/2012 11:06AM

    You know what to do, girl! Keep doing it!! It's not a diet, it's a healthy way of living and you can and will achieve your goals! emoticon

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EDWARDS1411 4/24/2012 10:11AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Keep up the good work - with your great attitude onederland is a sure thing!!!

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TUBLADY 4/24/2012 12:04AM

    Wonderful blog and congrats on your success.
I can relate o your feeling in so many ways.
I was 335, the thought of losing as much weight as I need to lose over whelmed me. I couldn't think in those numbers. So I worked at losing in ten pounds increments.
There was joy breaking 300, amazement at 250, tears at 199.
Beyond belief at 150 and now at 135 , I thank God everyday for the strength I had and all the friends and Spark for being there for me.
Stay positive, believe you can and you will.
Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CJIRV1 4/23/2012 9:39PM

  Great job, keep up the good work:)


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EVIE4NOW 4/23/2012 9:24PM

  Great job! Your journey will lead you into the 1's very soon. Congrats.

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MELLYBEANS0919 4/23/2012 8:15PM

    Congrats! You look amazing.

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SARAHBACKTO52KG 4/23/2012 4:06PM


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    emoticon Congrats on your hard work! And thanks for the encouragement!

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ANNE007 4/23/2012 3:52PM

    Great work! Fear is a great motivator, but you're right, it's not permanent. May I suggest that instead you begin to concentrate on how your body feels when you're working out? With as much time as you've put into the gym, I know you know what I mean! Doesn't it feel great to move? Isn't this what your body is made for? If you can get past your fear of failing and turn it into a love of what you are doing for yourself you will continue to be successful and you won't have to worry about falling off the wagon if you miss a day of exercise. Congratulations on your successes so far! You're amazing!

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LUVSBULLDOGS 4/23/2012 3:45PM

    Great job. emoticon

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JULIE1885 4/23/2012 1:26PM

  I understand where you have been and where you are going... I hope you can change your mindset to "this is my life" instead of living in fear. You have done an amazing job so far... I am in almost the exact same starting place as you... I am down 54 and have a goal set and will get there. Remember the "I WILL" part. Positive thoughts become positive actions (which you have done) and positive actions become positive behaviors, which in turn become who you are... dont live in fear.

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COLLEENGILMOUR 4/23/2012 12:59PM

  I like your story. I hope you can take the next trip with your girl friends feeling beautiful. Good luck... keep doing what you are doing.

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FLUTTER-BY)L( 4/23/2012 12:35PM

    You are doing so emoticon. I hope you can find a way to finish the journey in comfort and not in fear. You are learning how to be in the future and it will be great. Love your story. emoticon

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SENIOR62 4/23/2012 12:08PM

  Great job you should be very proud emoticon

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LETS-GO 4/23/2012 11:54AM

    You are doing an amazing job sweetie!
keep up the good work, it pays off. Don't get discouraged at anytime. Just breathe and remember where it is you came from. Allow yourself times to be you. Then jump right back on your wagon and carry on as if nothing happened. Don't do any beating up. Just carry on :)

I have been on a almost year long journey, and am still going. Its an everyday ordeal. :)

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TINY_WANTS_OUT 4/23/2012 11:03AM

  Congratulations!! I am so excited to be there one day too!

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KARENDEE4 4/23/2012 10:48AM


You look great!!

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RHAL1462 4/23/2012 10:38AM

    emoticon emoticon

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CAHIGHTO 4/23/2012 10:34AM


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MANDYLOVE_76 4/23/2012 10:33AM

    Fantastic! emoticon

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D_K455 4/23/2012 10:07AM


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MACMOM57 4/23/2012 9:46AM

    Way to go my friend you can do it.

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MAMAWLINDALOU 4/23/2012 9:16AM

    emoticon emoticonYou look GREAT!

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DIETER27 4/23/2012 9:15AM

  Awesome way to go! You look great!

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FARRAH511 4/23/2012 8:36AM

    emoticon emoticon

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EMILY-THE-GOOD 4/23/2012 8:26AM

    Great work! Thanks for the inspiration!

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LUBAML 4/23/2012 8:00AM

    Great Job!!! Hugs and kisses. Luba

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NATE-JANINE 4/23/2012 7:19AM

    Awesome job, awesome blog. Thanks for sharing.

You look great. Keep up the great work!...and YES YOU CAN DO IT!

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FOXYJEN27 4/23/2012 5:28AM

    So awesome. Good for you!!! emoticon

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MASE72 4/23/2012 4:41AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MATKAZEIDKELE 4/23/2012 2:37AM

    emoticon Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Your honesty and success inspire me to stay on my track.


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DAREHAWAII 4/23/2012 2:32AM

    You are so beautiful and I am so happy that you are doing this for you. I want to be just like you, inspirational!

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TUDI4480 4/23/2012 1:08AM

    emoticon emoticon Thanks for sharing this blog. Enjoy the journey.

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JOCEPINK 4/23/2012 12:26AM

    Don't know how to get past that mentality of "I miss a workout I'll get out of the habit and turn into a couch potato again" because, well, that's happened to me before! But you really look great!


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MEGANK45 4/23/2012 12:04AM

    Just came across your blog and wanted to thank you for sharing! Everything you said sounds as if I'm writing the blog! I'm just starting out and hope in a year I'll be able to have a similar blog update! awesome job! emoticon

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GAIA2JOE 4/22/2012 9:54PM

    Amen, sister! I was so happy when I hit the 100s. I have 40 pounds to go to get where I need to be. I will walk this walk with you, right by your side and cheering you on. You are awesome! emoticon

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DANNIEGEE 4/22/2012 9:52PM

  great. kep it inspire em to wok harder on my weight loss goals. thanks

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JILLIAN40 4/22/2012 9:07PM

    I wish you all the inspiration and motivation you need to continue to keep you on your path. When your fears start to hit you (about missing a day at the gym, or whatever) remember that what is important is that you are making yourself healthier and healthier with every thing you do when you are living your healthier life style. Cute looks are one thing, but being healthy that is what really matters in the long run. Keep posting and keep up your great work!

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ADEARMAN 4/22/2012 8:35PM

    You are doing such a great job. Good luck with your journey. Don't ever give up because you are worth it. You got this! :)

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Evaluating my Priorities - (with pics)

Monday, February 06, 2012

I know that I haven't fallen completely off the wagon, however, I do feel like I've become a bit more lax in my efforts. This doesn't fly with me. I can't afford to be in the maintenance mind set right now. I have so much left to lose before I can even consider what that might include. So I have to re-prioritize, remember why I got to where I was in the first place, and why I NEVER want to go back there, EVER, EVER again.

Long term goals:
-Lose 67 more pounds. This would put me at my first goal of 190. I will reevaluate if I want to lose further after that. I don't know if 190 is possible. I'm so tall and have a large frame... I don't know if 190 exists in here. The Wii fit says to be at a healthy weight I should be 148. HAH! Never gonna happen!
-Become a size 18 or smaller.
-Run a 5k

Medium term goals:
-214 pounds. The weight I was as freshman in HS. 1/4/01 – To be this weight again would be amazing. I know it was never any less than that after that day. It only kept rising from there.

Short term goals:
-Lose 100 pounds. 237. 20 more pounds to go!
-Work on Jillian Michaels 30 day shred as daily as possible.

Ways to get to where I want to be:
-More veggies and fruit
-I've gotten a little lazy on the eating out thing... this is how I got to where I was... no more of this! Only on special occasions. (Subway and Panera don't count... those are my “healthy” places)
-Stay around 1700 calories a day. One cheat day around 2000 calories.
-Start weight lifting more consistently. Right now its about 3 days a week. Bump this up to 4 (or every other day, no matter whats going on) And do it for about 45-60 minutes.
-Start alternating walking days (on incline only) and elliptical days. Elliptical at least 10 resistance for 30 min straight.

Often times we read in blogs on this site about how we didn't realize we looked so bad. This is true with me as well. I didn't think I was THAT girl. The fat one that hid behind her baggy clothes and sense of humor. Now that I've shed 80 pounds, I have this confidence that I wasn't sure existed in me. I'm starting to wear clothes that are fit and make me look good with my new curves. Before it was baggy sweatshirts and the same pair of jeans (I had 3-4 of the same exact pair of jeans because I thought they looked good on me. They didn't. They just stretched to fit over my chub.) We all wonder how we got there... I know exactly how I got there. Whole boxes of brownies and no portion control, what-so-ever.
I'm the one on the left... I thought this shirt looked good on me, hid the fat. Nope. Just made me look like a balloon. 337ish pounds.

I don't remember the last time I weighed 257. Probably because when I was there I was only there for a minute, climbing up the fat ladder. It was a daunting task at 337, thinking about losing 150 pounds or so. Now its just life. I'm actually doing it for me and am sticking with it because I can't give up. Not again. Not after I've come this far. I love the compliments and the looks that people give me even though they don't say anything. If I give up I've just let myself down and let people know that I'm always gonna be that fat girl. I don't want that. Not at all.

Again, the one on the left, about 68 pounds down here.

I'm still so scared though. This journey feels like it is going to be never ending. I'm going to have to watch my food intake for the rest of my life. Maybe not counting calories and writing them down, but at least still be diligent about my working out and eating right. But I suppose, nothing in life comes easy, right?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AKIMA06 4/4/2012 1:34PM

  I have two pairs of jeans that are just about to fall off of me but they are the only things I have to wear and I don't want to go out and look for more that fit until I am a size smaller and I have jeans to fit then. I just feel like it is never going to happen. Thank you for being you and blogging what you have.

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CARLYOLEO41 2/14/2012 7:19PM

    You look so great!! Thanks for the comment on my carlyshrinks blog :) You're going to hit 100 lost before you know it. I'm a little behind you, with 25 lbs left. How exciting for us both! I'm also doing Jilian's 30-day shred. I was attempting to do it everyday, but with my half marathon training, I'm not doing it on my longer run days. That's just silly... haha Keep in touch, you have been such a huge inspiration to me since I met you on the Sassy Smith Apples team :)

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1DERLAND14 2/12/2012 7:50PM

    I can totally relate to looking at before picture and thinking, "is that me?!" However, you have made awesome progress! Keep fighting...It is so worth every minute of it! emoticon

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 2/9/2012 12:28AM

    Great job on the eight loss. You look beautiful

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SRTACALIENTE 2/8/2012 6:12AM

    Keep working hard I kmow it feels dauting but you can do it. I am here if you need me.

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JESSGARRETT 2/7/2012 11:29PM

    You are doing an amazing job, and I have no doubt you'll continue to do an amazing job!

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SMILESHINE81 2/7/2012 12:44PM

    What a great blog! I know how it feels when you think your journey will never end, and in a way, you're right! Life is a journey that never really ends, and each day is a new one.

I think you have a great plan to refocus yourself. We all have times when you need a 'mini-break' to remind yourself why you started making all these positive changes in the first place.


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JESSICA2281 2/7/2012 12:18PM

    "I had 3-4 of the same exact pair of jeans because I thought they looked good on me. They didn't." Hahaha, I do the EXACT same thing with pants! I sometimes say my closet looks like that of a cartoon character because it is all the same crap.

Congrats on your success!

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RACH_LVSLIFE 2/7/2012 10:33AM

    So glad you wrote this. I'm sure it was good for you to write but it also benefited me. We have similar concerns and similar issues. But I know that we will get through. You have always set a standard. Look at what you've accomplished so far.

I like how you used the word "chub". That's such a dirty word but that's exactly the right word.

You will succeed. I'm right there with ya.

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KAYLAHEGINGER 2/6/2012 10:41PM

    you have done so much you will continue and meet all of you goals and surpass them keep up the great weight

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PANDAS10 2/6/2012 7:53PM

    I really relate to your blog - there are definitely similarities between our starting weights and goals. I, too, am tall (6ft) and large framed...the bmi chart wants me to weigh around 160-180lbs, which I have no doubt is far too small for me, especially if I intend to maintain any muscle mass. I think the BMI chart should only be used as a suggestion, but not a rule.

I think you are doing great - refocusing and keeping your eyes on the prize. Because you are conscious of your efforts, you will no doubt be able to reach your goals and that consciousness will be what sustains you for the longterm!
Keep up the great work!!! emoticon

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MAIZEY 2/6/2012 7:39PM

    You will meet your goals - given your determination and your specific steps. I know you'll continue to move along your path to a healthy weight. Great job!!

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KT-NICHOLS-13 2/6/2012 5:20PM

    I love your honesty and determination.

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JESSICA2140 2/6/2012 3:50PM

    Thanks for sharing the pics of your journey!! If it helps...I'm pretty tall too (5'11"), with a "large" frame (I did the wrist measurement test...if your wrist measurement is over 6", you have a large frame), and a fairly muscular body type. From copious amounts of research and using online calculators, I THINK I'm "supposed" to be about 180 to be in normal range...maybe you fit in that range too?

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BECOMING_HOLLY 2/6/2012 3:29PM

    You have gotten so far! I am so proud of you!! I can't wait to see your 100 lb loss blog and so much more success!!

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Plateaus... in more ways than one. :-(

Monday, January 16, 2012

This past couple of weeks has kind of just been exhausting. I had to give up my role as a BLC leader because I just couldn't put forth enough effort and support that the teams need due to a bunch of reasons. I really hate that I let the other leaders down and I hope to be able to get back into it at some point, but right now... I just can't.

A good friend of mine and my boyfriends got into a car accident a couple of weeks ago. At first they thought it was just a broken nose and collar bone, but a few days later he started having mini strokes due to blood clots in his throat. He's paralyzed on his right side and can hardly talk. His wife isn't giving us much information so a lot of what we are hearing is hearsay. She won't let us go visit him, won't let us call her... we don't know anything. Its so aggravating, depressing and frustrating not knowing whats going on.

To top it off, my car decided to break on me and shred a brand new tire. The spring/strut broke on it and its leaking fluids. The technician just called and said it would be 1460. AWESOME, something else I can't afford!

I don't know if its stress or what but I haven't lost any weight since the beginning of the year and its getting to be really frustrating. I haven't changed anything, still working out just the same, eating the same amount of calories, the scale just isn't moving at all. I have plateaued. I am stuck. I really think I am destined to be fat for the rest of my life. 266 is not skinny, nor will it ever be. I don't want to be here forever. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

So, to try to break through this plateau I've started the C25k. I'm on week one, today will be day three. Day two kind of sucked... I got through it but it was hard. Probably cause I was still sore from day one. Not as sore today so day three should be a little easier. I don't know though that I'm going to be able to move on to the next step by Wednesday... I may do two weeks for each step. I'm not sure how I like it yet either. I have never been much of a runner, so we'll see how it goes. I just want to do ANYTHING to get me off of 266.

I've also upped my calories. I think I might have been starving my body, though, I always felt full. Instead of 1300-1400 calories, I'm going to shoot for 1700 to 1800. Hopefully this will jump start me again. If not... I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I can last more than a couple weeks without wanting to completely give up.

The final piece of big stress is the fact that nobody ever stops asking my boyfriend and I when we are getting married. I want to get married, I love him and want to be with him. He feels the same way. Right now though, we have one problem to work through that is just not letting us move forward. Its something that could make or break a relationship in the future and I'm not going to move forward to just get divorced a couple years down the road. I just know its not smart to move ahead when we already know there is this issue. It has nothing to do with another person, or money or if we love each other, its just something we need to get over together. So I lie and tell people its because we don't have enough money for a wedding (ok, this isn't too far off... we don't have the money for it, but that's not the real reason!)... I don't know what to do any more. How fast do I have to get over this to move on? How do I know if its not going to ever get better?

Need a therapist much?! YES!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABBINA 1/19/2012 2:06AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WRITEWAY73 1/18/2012 2:48PM

    YOU CAN DO IT! Keep your head up!

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AIMEESINGS 1/18/2012 1:42PM

    Hope things turn around soon for you! I think the stress I'm dealing with is hindering my weight loss. I seem to be doing everything perfect but controlling the stress in my life. And who can easily control that!? Not me! Girl just keep your head up and remember things never stay the same. And I applaud you for not rushing to marriage. My husband and I were dating for 5 years and engaged for almost 2 when we got married. No need to rush anything until you are happy and ready. The best marriages start with good foundations!

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EVELYN208 1/17/2012 12:15PM

    Don't give up! Believe me it is a lot worse if you do and just to trek through the bad times. Good idea to mix up your workouts, usually that is the way to get through it.

Maybe try something completely new, like cycling or boxing or something you haven't done at all. Nothing like a new experience to pump you up and exercise muscles and joints that haven't felt the burn in a long time!

Good luck!

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ASHERAH123 1/16/2012 11:18PM

    Sometimes its best to tackle one issue at a time. Stress in itself can prevent weight loss so stick with what you have been doing and try to deal with the other issues that you can control. Eventually it will get better and your body will be able to shed the pounds. I am very sorry to hear about your friend and I hope that his wife will eventually be able to let you in on the situation. I wish you the best.

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THOMS1 1/16/2012 2:47PM

    I hope things get better for you. I wish you success on your journey. emoticon

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SWALL84 1/16/2012 1:40PM

    Wow, you sure have a lot on your plate right now. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It must be really frustrating to not know what's going on although I can't imagine how it would feel to be in his wife's place right now and she just might be reacting to all the pain and stress right now.
I am doing SparkPeople Rookie Your Way running program and I had to do two weeks of Week 1 as well. It's hard right now, but no matter how slow the weight loss happens, the thing that will make you successful is perseverance. Continue doing the right things by working out and sticking to your plan and eventually the number will start moving again. Easy to say and harder to do, I know.
I really hope things start looking better for you soon.

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CARLYOLEO41 1/16/2012 12:49PM

    Hang in there! You are going to come out of this so strong and know that there's nothing you can't handle. I know you can do it!

As far as C25K it took me over 2 weeks to get past the first week and then it seemed a lot easier. I think I repeated week 4 a couple times, too.

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FORKYLIEANDME77 1/16/2012 12:44PM

  Thank you for sharing your challenges with us. Sometimes it's good just to let it all out. I hope you felt better getting it all out. Have you tried looking on Craigslist to see if you can get a lower estimate? Also you can call around and get used tires for a cheaper price.

I am very sorry to hear about your friend. That is a shame that you aren't able to get the information you need from his wife.

Instead of maintaining the same routine maybe try switching it up. Do a different form of cardio to use different muscles and maybe look up a new strength training exercise.

I just read a message board post from Jamie saying how sparkpeople will automatically adjust the ammount of calories you need according to how many you log that you are burning. Don't quote me on that I would ask her about it specifically.

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CAM2438 1/16/2012 11:41AM

    It certainly sounds as though you have given such gret thought to your life and future. It seems as though things will never get better, bt, they will. It may not turn out the way you wsnt it to, but, it will turn out for the best. It seems as though you are very mature and will make the correct decisions.

I wouldn't worry about my weight right now since you are inder so much stress. The last thing you want to do is make yourself sick. Good Luck and keep us posted. emoticon

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RIEUADMIRER 1/16/2012 11:36AM

  My goodness me! What a lot you have had to put up with. You have great strength of character. I have had a lot of problems recently and it took me 5 weeks to today to lose one pound after doing so well before. The main thing is to
keep going. I wish you well. Hugs Sylvia

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