Friday, July 06, 2012
Slow and steady wins the race.
I hope this is the case, because right now its going very slowly! I sorta knew it was gonna be this way when I got closer to my goal, especially during the summer months.
June was a great month... what there was of it. It flew by! Every weekend I was doing something where I didn't have great control over my food like I do other months. Garage sales and Birthday parties and weddings... I didn't gain any, but I didn't lose much either! Also, with all this eating away from home, it got me into bad habits again, that I really, REALLY don't like!
So, July 5th is starting over for me. Why not beginning of July, you ask? Because I totally sabotaged myself on July 4th. I had the day off, was going to stick to my normal routine and then left the house to go to the hardware store and saw Culvers and it was over for me. 105 degree temps made my brain melt and all I wanted was ice cream. I regretted it after when I felt like absolute poo for the six hours following it...
So with starting again on July 5th, I would LOVE to see 199 by August 1st and no later than August 15th, my one year of starting this weight loss journey. It means I need to buckle down and not eat that ice cream or have that fruity summer drink that I yearn for all day long! Its only 8 pounds away, but with what I've been eating lately, its very likely that I could stay where I am or even go in the wrong direction.
There is no excuse for me to be so lax right now. I am not at my goal weight, I am not the size I want to be... whats the reason for stopping what I was doing right for so long? NOTHING. I gotta hop back on the train and win this race!
A pic from me and my family on my birthday, June 21st:
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I don't often write about really personal stuff on here, but this has to do with my weight loss journey as well, so I thought I'd share.
My boyfriend and I have been seeing a couples counselor for a few sessions now (he had some issues with lying about certain things, we're getting it worked out). But yesterday the therapist asked us if we were going to go out for dinner tonight or at any point this week. My boyfriend made a sarcastic comment about how we don't go anywhere good anymore cause I'm too focused on my weight loss. The therapist asked him to elaborate and he said some things I didn't even know he felt/thought...
I started this journey by myself back in August. I asked him to come to the gym with me (at this point he was laid off and had a lot of free time.) He would come with me a few days a week, until he found a job. Now he doesn't go at all, ever. He's gone twice in the past four months. I'm not going to pressure him, he has to make this decision on his own. Its not my place to push him into anything he doesn't want to do. However, I have worked my A&& off for the past eight months and have seen great success. I do admit that I am a bit obsessive about it, but I don't let it hinder my relationships at all. I still do all the things I did before, I just don't eat as much when I do those things.
He told the therapist that I cancel appointments so that I can go work out and that I have a set time that I have to go to the gym every day. He told her that I weigh myself daily that I know exactly how many calories I've consumed or will consume for the whole day. It felt like he was attacking me for wanting to better myself. I only canceled one appointment for the chiropractor to go work out because I had been seeing the chiro so much and didn't think that appointment was necessary. I do know how many calories I'm going to consume in one day. If I don't have it planned out I end up over eating and blowing my day completely. I still go out for dinner at places where I don't know the calories (Friday night fish fry is my favorite... beer battered deep fried fish... I eat it at least twice a month. this doesn't bother me. I work it into my calories and get to feast on goodness!)
I cry easily, so while I felt like I was being attacked, I was crying... the therapist was trying to understand why I'm so obsessive about it and I explained it to her the same way I explain it to myself. I was 337, I was fat and unhappy. If I stop focusing on this, I am going to go right back to 337. If I miss a day at the gym here and there, so be it, but if I start missing days just because, I know that I will stop going completely. For me, its easy to start going backwards because I enjoy food so much.
He did feel bad for making me cry. I know he really wasn't trying to be mean, but it was just the fact that he doesn't understand. He can't understand. This is an emotional journey and it takes a lot of motivation and determination to stick with it. I don't feel like I'm as strong as I should be yet. I haven't had to live with this for very long so I don't know how to maintain it yet. I don't know how to balance it with my every day life. Its one step at a time right now. I'm just wondering when it'll be so engrained within me that I won't have to be so obsessive.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Lately I've been stressing out over maintenance. I have about 40 pounds to go and even though that may take me a few months... I am still really scared of trying to maintain that weight. Yes, the eating healthy and the working out isn't going to stop after I get to my goal weight, but where is that happy medium?
As sad as it sounds... I feel like I'm missing out on some great food right now. It sounds pathetic, but I feel like to be this person I want to be, I can't have more than one piece of chocolate in a week or more than 1500 calories in a day. That's not normal though. There is gonna be a party or a special occasion and I don't WANT to have to track. I don't want to manage every little thing I put into my mouth. Right now I do cause I know that if I don't, I'll pay for it. It shouldn't be like that... should it? How do the always skinny people do it? They don't track... they don't not go out because they are afraid that they will gain. Why do I have to be?
I feel better about the stuff I eat right now, but I would also like to indulge in a hamburger every once in a while or go to the Chinese buffet without being scared of the repercussions. I weigh myself once, sometimes twice a day just to stay on track. I am afraid that if I don't, I'll lose sight of what I'm doing here.
I know, this blog sounds whiny and I should be happy for all the weight I've lost... but I'm so scared of the rest of my life. It took 7 months to take off 100 pounds, it could switch in an instant and take 7 months to put that right back on :-/
How do you maintain and still be happy?
Monday, April 02, 2012
For the past 75 pounds or so I've been contemplating what I would write if I ever got to 100 pounds lost. Well I'm here and I still don't know what to say! When I started this journey, 337 pounds and a size 30-32 pants and 26-28 top, I never thought I would get here. I remember the first few weeks felt like they were just DRAGGING on and on and on. There were many times I wanted to give up or give in and just over eat. But I held strong, didn't give in to too many temptations and am now at 237 pounds, size 20 pants and 16/18 tops. About 337 here, August 2010
I didn't realize how big I was. I knew I was fat, but its those full body pictures that make you gasp and say "oh my god". But even then, I did nothing about it. Why doesn't someone tell you you look like sh*t?! Eww... I can't believe I'm even letting this picture out of my little dark hidey hole, but NO MORE, not ever, ever again...
Then there was Vegas... Vegas was my "moment" where I said, "As soon as I get home, I'm going to the gym and changing". And I did. I was sick of not being able to look cute like my friends did when we went out. I was sick of sweating constantly no matter where we were or what we were doing. I was super sick of being "the fat friend" and not even being able to really fit in that polka dot dress (above) anymore.
Here is one of the last pictures ever taken of me being 337 pounds:
Then after that, after I got back and started going to the gym religiously, everything changed. I have more self confidence, I feel better, I'm not always the gross sweaty one(except at the gym, I sweat like crazy there) and I'm happy. My journey isn't over, but I'm glad I'm out of those beginning stages, where it felt like it was never gonna happen and that was never gonna be me.
I'm still afraid of going backwards - afraid of not being so on track and only allowing myself a few indulgences. Last night I indulged in Noodles (Mac and Cheese) for the first time in over seven months. It was delicious... but at the same time, I felt guilty. I knew I should be eating better than that, but that's what I wanted. I was still within my calorie ranges for the day and have found over the past seven months that it is ok to indulge in a few things. Its actually has kept me on track better than if I didn't eat anything bad. A few things here and there, and especially in moderation, don't hurt you too horribly on the scale.
A friend of mine asks me all the time how I get so much motivation. I don't know if its motivation so much as being terrified. I've missed MAYBE 20 days at the gym since I started going in August because I'm so scared that if I take more than a day off that I'll stop going all together. This isn't a good way to carry on. All this fear I have built up will make me fail in the long run... I need to learn how to get over "I'm afraid of going back" and more "this is my new life and to be healthy and happy, THIS is what you have to do."
Don't mind my dorky boyfriend... About 250 here.
So as right now I'm happy with where I am, I want to keep going. I would LOVE to see that 1 on the scale. I remember hitting the 200's in middle school and thinking "this is gonna change, I'm not gonna go any higher than this." Freshman year... 214. It just kept going up and up and up and as I knew I was putting on weight, I did NOTHING about it. Now, I know I can do it, I KNOW I can do anything I put my mind to and I KNOW that I'll be able to see 199.
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