PANDASUE2   32,947
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Friday, September 09, 2011

I was cleaning my room the other day and came across an old journal from middle/high school. After reading it for a while I came to a section that I talked about how I was so fat and how I had to lose weight and this and that. I kept reading and on 1/4/01 (freshman in HS) I stated that I weighed 214 pounds. At that time, in HS, that was big, it still is. Right now, I would LOVE to get down to that again. That's over 100 pounds away. It feels so very,very far away.



Tuesday, September 06, 2011

So I've had a Hershey bar in my fridge for over two months now. I haven't forgotten about it, I know it's there. I even take a few blocks off of it every now and again. But I count the calories, savor what I took and put the rest away. A few months ago that puppy would've been gone in one sitting, even before I left the grocery store parking lot most likely. Now, I still have half left and only eat it when I need to. This is a HUGE step for me. When I lived with my ex he was very much an enabler. I worked at a place that I could easily get lots of chocolate and I did. I wanted it, he asked for it, we ate it. It was disgusting now that I think about it. But because that's what he wanted and I wanted to make him happy, that's what I bought. Every birthday and holiday (he was a chef, an amazing one at that) he would make us the most ginormous, calorie filled meal you've ever seen... and we ate it all. I'm glad I got out of that relationship, not only for that reason but because it made me stronger. It made me who I am today.

Sunday I had my first day, since counting calories, that I went over my limit. It was a birthday party and I knew it was coming so I ate healthy and worked out all week and even worked out that morning before the party. I watched my food intake, had a small piece of cake even, and was at about 1300 calories by the end of the day, with food. With alcohol.... I had a bit more. Its hard to tell when someone else is making your drink how much you're drinking. I'm sure after drinking all afternoon and night (it was a sleep over party!) that I consumed well over 2000 calories. I'm ok with that though, I was good all week and knew that'd I'd be going over that day. Every once in a while is ok. I have to remember that.
However, Monday came and I didn't work out. I had worked out for the past 7 days and decided it was time for a day off. I FELT SO GUILTY!!!! I kind of like that I felt guilty though, made me aware that it was working and that I was enjoying it! I went today, and even though it was a really weird, off day, I still went for my 45 minutes and did some weights as well. I'm looking forward to what the scale has in store for me this weekend.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EUPHRATES 9/7/2011 1:18AM

    FANTASTIC job, both in preparing for the party and in rationing out the candy! My mate is the chocoholic in our home, but he's totally content to have Hershey's miniatures around, which is awesome because if I want one, I'll have just one and I don't feel bad about it - I track it, plan it, and it's all good.

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OAKSHAVEN 9/6/2011 9:42PM

    I am so impressed that you can ration your candy bar. I have been having major chocolate cravings, but know if I go buy the Hershey's bar I want, it will be gone within a few seconds, and I will only be craving more. The whole "getting ready for the party" thing is awesome, too. You may have gone over one day, but you prepared for it and are making sure to get back on track. You give me hope that I can get this under control if I just stick to it. Thanks.

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Cameras are the devil!!

Saturday, September 03, 2011

The last few days have been great. Eating healthy, within my ranges or even a bit under, working out every day for 45-60 minutes a day and feeling better than ever. I have even bypassed the scale at the gym for the past three days! Monday is supposed to be weigh in day but because my gym is closed for the holiday I have to do it tomorrow. I'm both looking forward to it and not at the same time. A lot of females blogs I've read on here have talked about how they don't lose weight during their period and well (tmi...) I have mine this week. So we'll see if I lost anything, even 1 pound would be nice.

I've had a wii fit since last year November (I won it from work, woo hoo!) and haven't been able to use it, or at least use the scale portion of it, since I got it because I was over its capacity. I used it for the first time last week and even though I was just under its weight limit I could still use it!! That felt fantastic!! So today I hula hooped and good god did it hurt! I definitely do not use those muscles all the time that you need for that! Gives me something to work on and strive for though, so that's good.

I picked up my pictures from Vegas today at Walgreens and remembered how much I hate Cameras. I hate them so much that the one picture you see on this site is the only picture I allowed of myself to be taken while there. There was, of course, the group picture that I stood in the back behind people so you couldn't see me, but none of just me or me and someone else. I even... *embarrasing and pathetic moment here* cried while at NY NY when one my friends tried to take a picture of me after I had told them I didn't want them to. I HATE seeing what I look like on camera. I hardly even look too long in the mirror. This weight has made me have such bad self esteem that I can't even have a good time without constantly thinking about how I look and feel. Its definitely something I need to get over and hopefully will get over as I lose weight.
Always and forever though, CAMERAS ARE THE DEVIL!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOKSCATSTEA 7/9/2013 4:08AM

    I hear you about the cameras! I've been reading lots of your blogs and it's wonderful to see how far you've come! You're really an inspiration - keep up the good work!

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    I have never been a big fan on cameras myself....I have always been adept as being the one taking the pix....keep working hard and you will starting feeling better about things in general...and who knows how you will feel about cameras on your next trip... ;)

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Yes, I admit it...

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I'm a scale junkie. A scale-aholic. Addicted to the scale. Why after every work out do I go hop on that scale and hope for a miracle. I know that it's not gonna show me what I want. I'm being far too impatient. I know this weight didn't happen over night so why do I expect it to fall off as fast? But still, after every workout I hop on it... wishing, hoping, praying that it's gone.

I'm expecting far too much too quickly. This isn't hard, I don't mind working out, I'm actually doing a lot better than I expected I would. The healthy eating isn't too hard either, other than I'm still craving pizza. Lots and lots of pizza...

It's just going too slowly for me and I don't want that to discourage me and make me stop. I just started this two weeks ago and it feels like the days are crawling by. I'm looking forward to that next weigh in constantly. I think it may also be the lack of excitement with my job. Its not a horrible job but it's boring and slow...

However, reading blogs from people who have great motivation and enthusiasm are making me want to keep going. They are the reason I got started Sparking and the reason I'm going to keep going. It's going to be for me but because of all of you! :-)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VINTAGEMISS 8/31/2011 10:59PM

    I know this is said to death, but just keep on keeping on and if you hit a brick wall, power right through it. All the sacrifices you are making now won't feel like sacrifices further down the road.

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Starting all over again...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

So I decided to join SparkPeople after seeing a few peoples blogs on this site. I look for motivation in other peoples journeys and got really sick of seeing people only do it for a few entries on other sites and then never hearing from them again. Its good to see people on here still fighting for their weight loss and not giving up! I decided to step out of the shadows and create an account.

I actually started (ok, restarted) my weight loss journey again two weeks ago yesterday. I started at 337 (my highest ever was 344) and as of yesterday was down to 329. I am enjoying the exercising but having a hard time with the healthy eating. I do really well for breakfast and lunch and then for dinner I'm not always sure what to do. I need to start planning my meals farther ahead for sure.

Three weeks ago I was in Las Vegas. I was there with 5 friends who are all skinny and fit. It was embarrassing getting on the plane with them when I could hardly buckle my seatbelt (I got it, but barely!) or trying to fit in a seat with section dividers on it that didn't lift up. I looked like a sardine! That was the last straw. I decided that when I got home I was going to get healthy. I started working out right away that Monday after we got back and have only missed 3 days since then.

I can't give up this time. I can't and I won't. I will have the support of people who are in the same boat as me and I don't have to worry about being judged. I am ready to stop dreaming and start living.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHEETARA79 9/2/2011 4:06PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

It's really hard but I know you CAN do this!

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DOGSTARDADDY 8/30/2011 6:17PM

    Glad to have you with us. There is strength in numbers!

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