Sunday, September 15, 2013
Are you looking for a positive blog? Well, this ain't it.
Are you looking for me to come back up in here all sad and glum, but feeling hopeful about the future? Sorry, not gonna do that right now.
You want to hear me get up in the pulpit and say hallelujah and amen sisters, I have the answer and I'm comin' clean? Maybe, come back next Sunday.
Truth, I haven't been here in months. I haven't lurked. I haven't quietly read along with what you're doing. Instead I'd put my sports bra on in the morning, plan a workout, then spend the day dipping the spoon into Nutella. I have not come here, even once, to check in on a team. I have been too busy playing candy crush saga while laying on my bed, injured foot propped up "resting" after my "hard" physical therapy. I had no idea what my spark page looked like anymore, it was like Christmas morning a couple minutes ago. What color will it be? What picture is in the background? When was my last blog? My last status? Squeeeee!
Okay, it was a little more dread than uber-excitement. I was pleased to see that the background pic was Wheeler peak in New Mexico. Mainly because it's the only goshdanged thing I've accomplished this year of an athletic nature. I climbed that beeyotch. But reading my last blog was disappointing, 8 weeks pre-hike when I thought I was getting skinnier for the hike (newsflash: I hiked all 200 lbs. of me up that 13,000 footer). My most recent status from 157 days ago read something about how many days of clean eating would it take to erase a few bad days of binging. Hmmm, so how about a few MONTHS of binge eating?
Sweet baby Jesus in the sky, I do not want to hate myself. I do not want to loathe these last couple months because they've been full of clumsiness and bull-headedness and injuries and physical therapy and limping. I had a fabulous time icing my foot on the sofa while eating chocolate. I read some of the best books I've ever read. I have enjoyed some terrific times with my kids and my husband. The bigger belly I've been carrying around, and the shame of letting those around me down (I know I haven't really, but I can't shake that feeling) has been trying to pull me down and keep me down.
I have come to this blog with absolutely nothing productive to say. I do not have answers, I do not have much of a plan, I have not got some THING on the horizon that I am needing to lose weight for. I just have a lot of the same ol' frustration, anger, and humiliation that I've been dealing with since I was 12. It's a roller coaster ride I have never gotten off of. But I feel like I'm ready to just start chipping away at this a little at a time. No gimmicks. No challenges. No magic pills. No events to train for. Just me, my brain, my body, my heart. Maybe I can come back here tomorrow and have something positive to say, but for today my message is simple... Hello, my name is Pam, I love life, I don't always love myself, and I'm going to see what I can accomplish tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
I wasnít sure what to blog about, but since I havenít written in so long, I thought Iíd start with the positive.
I started a 10-week quest for health and fitness on 3/21. I picked that date because it was 10 weeks until we fly off for vacation to the Land of Enchantment (New Mexico for those not in the know). Iím planning to hike the highest peak while there with one of my high school friends, and this 16-mile hike at an altitude of 9,500-13,167 feet will be formidable. So preparation is required. I need two things for this hike:
1. Better level of fitness
2. Less weight to carry
My simple plan is to work out more and eat less. Heard of that one? Iíll get my heart ready for action, build a bunch of beautiful muscles, and eat so the fat just melts off me. And before I get all blah-blah-negative-grumpy-blah about how I never stick to my plans, let me do some positive self-talkÖ
The first week I worked out everyday. *TOOT* (I ate like crap)
The second week I worked out even harder. *TOOT*
And on April Fools I got to work full force with the help from my Anti-Blah girls and the Sand In Your Crack challenge. Itíll lead me straight up to Memorial Day weekend. Iíve outlined the things I track each day and Iíve had 3 successful days so far. Here are some more horn toots about my eating the last few daysÖ
I have found Easter chocolate around the house and rather than eat it, I put it away. *TOOT*
I went out to eat Mexican with the kids and didnít even eat a single chip while waiting on our food. *TOOT*
I had to provide a dessert for my sonís soccer team Monday, which I would normally bake myself because Iím a great baker and cheap. Instead I bought store-made cupcakes so I wouldnít have batter and frosting to deal with. *TOOT*
As part of my tracking for the SIYC challenge, I am putting a little star down for each time I turn away from a temptation. When my brain would normally rationalize something so it could make its way into my mouth, Iím saying, ďNO! That isnít allowed and I will not be fooled by you, sneaky brain.Ē I put my star on the tracking page and give myself credit for strengthening my resistance muscle. Iíve been strengthening that giving-in muscle for WAY too long. Itís time to stand up for myself and my real goals.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Iím ready to sit down and start my 2013 blogs, but I felt the need to wrap up the previous year in a neat, tidy little package. At least I got this done before January is over. Here is my 2012 Brag List:
Graduated from the Level 1 Pole Dancing class back in March. I learned to shake my ample booty in all directions and to release my inner sexy.
Went indoor rock climbing for the first time last winter. Instead of feeling weak and unsuccessful, I felt strong, capable, and look forward to going back.
Survived a very clumsy, fall-ridden first half of 2012, as well as lots of summertime rehab. This girl falls over a bike, down stairs, on a trail; it was ridiculous. But I committed to getting better and my PT helped me get strong and back to athlete status.
Posted a PR at a sprint triathlon in September. I wasnít even going to do the race because I dislocated a rib in dance class (see earlier posts about clumsiness) and was in a lot of pain the two weeks before the tri. But I went for it and got my best swim time and best bike time ever. My run time was not a PR (thanks to the painful rib that made breathing hard) but my overall finish time was still 14 seconds faster than the previous time I raced this course.
Enjoyed 2-months of Crossfit without injuring myself. This was a real learning experience and it re-ignited my love of Olympic weight lifting. I stayed within my abilities, didnít try to compete during class and overdo things, and finished up my two months wanting more!
Started eating clean on October 29th and lost 10 lbs. and over 11 inches. I left 2012 weighing less than I did going into 2012. Now I'm sitting 6 lbs. above my lowest low in almost 20 years.
On a non-fitness-diet-weight-loss note; my family was blessed to enjoy plentiful vacations in 2012. We went to Melbourne Beach for a week in March, to a friendís farm in southwest Virginia in June, to a lake house in Hot Springs, Arkansas in August, back to the Virginia farm in October, and to my familyís mountain house in NC in November. Phew! Thatís a lot of driving! And in a related note, we missed meeting our savings goals for 2012. I think we need to dial it back a bit this year and stick with the budget a bit more.
As I look at the photos from our many vacations I am mostly feeling a mix of emotions from meh to horror. My sister-in-law is a wannabe photographer with a sweet camera. Since she was with us for two of our vacations and to document my triathlon, I got to see more of myself than I normally do, and it was eye-opening. I try not to cringe when I see those candid photos captured without my consent, but itís my gut response.
It is a sobering view of how everyone else sees me. Most of the time when I really SEE myself in the mirror itís when Iím looking nice (hair done, makeup on, fashionable clothes), and I pose in the mirror with stomach in (you know the drill). But to see myself on the beach in a bathing suit with no idea that I should be sucking my tummy in ---- sucker punch!
So Iím going to try my best to use those photos as fuel for my fire. When I want to break my clean eating streak, I will crack open one of those vacation photo books or open that computer file that contains some of the worst. That should get me headed in the right direction so that this yearís pics will make me a little more proud! And given the weight loss and inches loss Iíve had in the last two months of 2012, Iím on the right track.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Still playing catch up on my blog; this is a wrap-up of the week after Thanksgiving. This is week 5 of my Slow-Carb Diet, and I am so excited to be home in my kitchen after a weekend with my foodie family for the holiday. Now itís just me and my food, nobody coming at me with something delicious. So why isnít this easy? Holy cow! Why am I eating this? Why did I snitch on that? What is happening here?
We are all sick with gunk, and we are all exhausted. I did not work out any this week because of pure exhaustion. My cold symptoms arenít very bad, not as bad as my boys, but I am flippiní tired! After some struggles getting back on the clean eating bandwagon, I finished the week nicely. I was shooting for a new low weight for 2012, and I had to meet that goal by eating well since I was not working out at all. Then towards the end of the week, I took every single one of us to the doc to find out we all had sinus infections, and would need antibiotics. My neck/base of skull area is also aching in a new, sinister way. Man, I canít wait for this junk to be finished with us. No time for discomfort now, itís time to pull out the tape measure and step on the scale.
Week 5 weigh-in:
Lost 0.8 lbs to reach a new low for 2012 of 203.6 lbs.
Lost 2 inches in circumference (this was from measurements taken two weeks ago)
I am so pleased with these results the week after Thanksgiving! Yay for LOSING inches over the two week period that included Turkey Day.
And a drumroll please for the results from my first month of following the Slow-Carb Diet:
Weight Loss for Month 1 = 9.6 lbs.
Inches Lost in Month 1 = 10.25 inches
The weight loss has been slow these past few weeks, but do you see those inches lost? WOW!!! That was the sum of inches lost from my arms, waist, hips, and legs. It did not include bust, upper thighs, or my muffin top. Boy does that feel good!
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