candy sabotage

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The last two days, I have been eating alot of candy. Not as much as used to eat, but enough to make me nauseous, even the next morning. I am in a sabotage mode, I think. My weight loss goals are actually within reach. Then I binge on candy. What's with that?

I'll do my best to eat sensibly today and hope the scale is kind tomorrow.

  

Through my eyes

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I have been looking at my photo collection of my adult life. Pictures of me and my friends before kids and later pictures of me and my families. I was surprised to see some of the photos of myself, how I looked heavy or not so heavy. In my mind's eye, I somehow saw my top weight the same way as I saw my lower weights. My memory tells me that I always looked like my highest weight. The photos show otherwise.

Let's see, 160 when I graduated from high school, lost about 30 pounds to get to 190 for my wedding, lost about 30 pounds to get to 210 two years later, I seem to remember less than 250 after the first couple of kids, then during the next 15 years, I gained another 40 pounds. Seems like it kinda snuck up on me. My memory tells me that I was slimmer, then ballooned up...my mind is confused. The photos tell me that it didn't happen that way.

I always knew I had self-image issues, but I really didn't know that I didn't see myself as I really appeared to others. Maybe I just pretended it away? No idea. I think I need to put some of those pictures on my motivation wall, to remind me of how I used to look.

  

Monday check in

Monday, June 04, 2007

This is the fourth weekend in a row that I have not logged food. This weekend actually went pretty well. I was very busy with house-cleaning and preparation for a graduation open house, so there wasn't much opportunity to munch. I even went to a couple of open houses for my kids' friends and just grazed a little at each. Good control.

Yesterday, two women engaged me in a discussion about weight loss and attitudes. We talked alot about how hard it is to lose and what strategies are needed. I shared my the current crisis being about what style of clothes to buy next. I am a middle-aged woman who never wore fashionable clothes, only sensible clothes that I could wear for years. Of course, I did this because finding clothes that fit me was difficult and un-fun. Now I get to choose whether to be fashionable or eclectic.

We talked about how an obese woman feels when she must request a seat belt extention, or when she doesn't fit into the theatre seat, or when she is afraid to sit in a chair for fear that it might not hold her. I had to spend good money on my own lawn chair so that I would not break one of those webbed ones. I have come home with bruises on my thights because the seats were so tight. All obese people feel a sense of humiliation, but most people don't realize because we cover it up and pretend to be confident.

As we were talking about these things, I felt like I was talking about someone else and had a momentary fear that "she" would hear the things that I was saying and get mad at me. I actually feel like I am betraying someone's confidence when I share these feelings with others.

  

Less muddy today

Friday, June 01, 2007

Today, I read a SparkPeople article about participating in the message boards and losing more weight. I hadn't thought of this much before. I joined this site because I could log food. I did not ever think that I would put up a page about myself, I would NEVER write a blog, and certainly not join any groups. But as I lurked around, I found that I wanted to share my experiences and talk with others who shared the same struggles.

My weight loss has slowed down dramatically. It hasn't stopped, thank goodness! But I think that participating in the SP community, even if it is just lurking, has been beneficial to keeping me focused and on track.

This weekend will be really busy. I am not sure if I will log my food or not...depends on my time. But regardless, I must be careful and wise in my food choices. I am going to be looking at pictures of my family in preparation for a picture board for DD#2. I will be on the lookout for pictures that motivate me, either because I look good or because I am heavy. This will go on my motivation wall. I will also be doing alot of errands and cleaning. This will keep me busy and active.

Yesterday, the path was muddy and long. Today, it's just soggy and I can look around at the scenery a bit. Maybe tomorrow the sun will peek out. One day at a time.

  

The path is muddy today

Thursday, May 31, 2007

So I have eaten well and exercised vigorously for the last three days, hoping to see the scale drop back down to 210 before the first of the month weigh in. But no. It's up even higher than yesterday's official weigh in. This is depressing.

Last night I had a headache. Today it has started up again. I look at myself in today's clothes and think "You're still fat". I would never say that to anyone else. What kind of self-talk is that? Why did I feel slimmer last week when I wore these clothes? Five pounds makes me fat? My husband is disappointed with me because I don't spend enough time with him. He is such a good person. It makes me feel terrible to disappoint him. Work is slow going and frustrating. One thing on top of another. Basically, a depressing day.

What to do? Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe today, I'll just look down at the muddy path and keep trudging. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYDAYSCOUNT 5/31/2007 10:55AM

You are NOT still fat! At least you recognize your destructive self talk and that you would never say that to someone else in your situation. Isn't it amazing how we can be so much harder on ourselves than we would ever be to anyone else? Here's hoping the mud dries quickly and the walk gets easier. If tomorrow's not better, the day after will be. I just know it. Report Inappropriate Comment