Monday, August 13, 2012
This is MY LIFE!
I keep starting and stopping. When I stop I completely fall off the healthy lifestyle. Yes, this last pause I was able to pull off a Sprint Triathalon but truly, as long as you feel comfortable in the water, I think Anyone could do a Sprint Tri. I'm proud that I did it, glad to know I could do it but knowing how little I trained for it (from April on) it's really doable for all.
Sometimes I go through times that I JUST DON'T CARE about my health. Surprisingly I've cared more about my Peanut M&M's, my Mexican restaurants, my carb cravings being fulfilled with salty chips and white breat and my sugar (anything SWEET!)
When will I finally put ME first?! Not just mysefl first so I can have a few minutes to read. Not just me first so I can take a nap. Not just me first so I can take a stroll in the neighborhood and get some fresh air. When will I finally put ME first so I do NOT die?!!!
I have to stop this back and forth. I have to stop making the commitment to myself for only a two month period only to run quickly back to my friend (?) the Two Pound bag of Peanut M&M's.
The Sprint Triathalon was a good wake up call for me. Not only did I realize I was NO WHERE near where I had planned to be when I first contemplated the Tri back in January. (goal was 250. Instead of weighing that I had put back on most of my weight and did the Tri at 299.2). But seeing all these amazing fit women motivated me. One lady lapped me 4 times! Crazy! Several ladies did the swim in 8 min and did the 5k in 27 minutes (remember to throw in the bike portion in between the two)
These past few months I've been seeing a counselor. Someone to help me through life. Help me have a better marriage, steer my children better and how to be a better stronger me. My user name, Overhauling-Me, represents how I've felt for so long. It's just not a weight loss I'm looking for I'm aching for an all over wellness. I want to be physically healthy, spiritually healthy, mentally healthy and be a better organized, time manager mom/wife/ME.
I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition last night. This episode hit home. She is the same age as me (45) and was fit at 23 (at 23 I was 170. Since I'm 6'0" that was a perfect weight for me). Her heaviest was 335, mine 325. One difference is as a youth she never struggled with her weight. I did from the time I was 11 or 12. She said on the show, something like, I've been killing myself with a fork. That's me, not really a fork but definitely with food!
Today I'm getting serious again. My life is NO joking matter but that's how I've been treating it. It's 5:15pm and so far I've stayed on track and have walked 2 miles. Yay me! But it's not the one day that counts. It's the hundreds of "one days" that will make up a year, a decade, the rest of my life.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Yesterday was my first ever Sprint Triathalon and....I DID IT!
Flashback to a few weeks ago. I'd been doing my training. Not as extensive as I would have liked but was getting in several weekly swims and walks (mostly 5ks). Biking hadn't gone so well. About three weeks before the event I went with my 19yo daughter, Alex, and several other ladies to do the whole trail. It went well and then got off the bike and walked 1.5 miles. Everything A-OK. The next morning my tailbone THROBBED! I've dealt with a cyst on my tailbone since I was 18. It comes and goes and thankfully has been hidden for several years. I think the ride aggravated it. I did not get back on a bike for several weeks, was not even sure if I was going to do the biking portion because I could barely sit on my nice soft sofa. Knowing that there were two miles of offroad trails, Ouch, just the thought hurt!
Last week was absolutely crazy! Family came in from out of town (definitely threw me off training), my, now 14yo, daughter had her birthday with friend party and sleepover and my husband and 16yo and 17 yo sons left for Anaheim for a basketball tournament.
My daughter and I went to the mandatory meeting the night before the big event. Nerves were already going but we caught the fever as we mingled with the 260+ women who would be participating and finally received our packets and swim times. My daughter and I were thrilled to find out we'd been assigned the same pool and time and even the exact same lane!
Sleep did not happen as much as I wanted. Woke up at 5 but climbed out of bed at 5:45 (15 minutes before alarm went off). Once we showed up at the pool and watched the first heat swim and visited with the other swimmers for our heat I started to relax. The swimming portion was a tad frustrating for me. There were four swimmers in our lane, it slowed me down.
Next was cycling. Worried about my tailbone but decided to do it! Found out they had formed a second trail, one that was two miles shorter without the offroad. I chose that route since I really wanted to finish all three events. I'm so glad I did! The first loop around KILLED me. My legs hurt, my cardio was effected and my behind hurt SO BAD it brought tears to my eyes. There is NO CRYING in TRIs I told myself. I would NOT let the tears drop out! I told myself I could stop in a certain spot on the second loop. Bad mistake. Trying to get off my seat was a bad decision, my body was paralyzed with pain. After climbing back on the bike I told myself to peddle faster. Faster meant I'd finish sooner and that I'd be able to give my behind relief! Besides the tailbone issue I really enjoyed the biking. Something I haven't done since I was little.
As I jumped off my bike a volunteer came and took my bike and I went off on the 5k. I had no vision of jogging any of it and I didn't. But I was extremely proud of myself. I passed many walkers but no walkers passed me! Although I was passed several times my joggers!
It was so exciting to come to the finish line and to know I had done it!
I enjoyed watching some of the extremely fit women do their events, very motivating! It reminded me of what the human body CAN look like and what we CAN do. I have obviously not fulfilled all I can with the body God has given me. It's up to me to change it.
My weight loss and fitness was severly thrown offtrack in April and I haven't quite found my way back. I've gained weight back and actually did the Tri weighing 299.2. Many of the women (and volunteers) were shocked to find out I was doing all 3 events. Some only did one, others two. I needed to do all 3 to prove something to myself. So glad I did!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
The Tri is in 17 days. Another lady invited my daughter and I to go to the trails where the triathalon will take place to ride our bikes. There were five of us in all and, it being only the second time I've been on an actually bike in the past 30 years, I chose to take up the rear and follow the lead.
I'm glad to have tried the trails. LOTS of pot holes, other parts of the pavement was ruptured with root growth and part was gravel. Most was flat but there were a few hills I LOUDLY grunted through as I pushed up them.
About four miles in I watched my 19yo daughter, up ahead, flip over her bike, roll and land on her bike. Poor thing! She accidentally squeezed only the front brake which sent her flying! Her arm was bloody, dirt all over her face (thank goodness that wasn't hurt), both legs and stomach with awful road burns. She was such a good sport, said she was okay, climbed back up and kept riding. She finished out the remainig 7 miles.
I'm was more cautious after that and was thankful for the refresher lesson on brake usage. That could have easily been me since I really had no idea what I was doing. The ride itself wasn't rough but the sharp turns, very narrow passage ways and flying downhill fast were a bit nerve racking for this overly cautious, non-adventure girl. It was a huge step for me. So glad I did it.
After riding for 11 miles we packed up our bikes and then walked. The ladies wanted to practice the transition from biking to running. I'm not planning on running at all but walking. It felt good.. We were only able to get 1.5 miles in before it got dark but after riding the actual bike distance and walking half the walk/run portion I know I can do this. Of course I'll also be adding the swim in first.
One of my trouble areas will be my right knee. I've had problems with it for 30 years. The last three miles on the bike every time I pumped my right foot down the one spot, on the right edge of my knee, killed. Strangely enough, once we started walking the pain went away.
I'm sure I'll be sore in the morning. But I'll be ignoring that. I've made plans for my daughter and I to meet up with the other three ladies, plus two others, at our neighborhood pool for swim training at 5:30 in the morning. That's in seven hours so I'd better get to bed.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I've been MIA for a bit. Allowed a small vacation to throw me off track, allowed some family problems to completely turn my endeavors around pointing me WAY in the wrong direction!
I've been trying to get going again. I've done better on the workout department than eating. It's amazing how my food cravings have come back raging!
Although I've done some workouts it's truly not been much. Just a walk here and there.
My women's Tri-athalon is in 6.5 weeks. A goal I set for myself at the beginning of the year. I would have been on track for it if I had stay on my program. Instead my cardio is worse, muscles weaker and weight...I don't even want to know. Definitely higher than when I left off a couple of months ago. (I'll be facing that demon tomorrow...Yikes!)
I am still determined to do the Tri. I swam last night. Definitely slow but I did it. I used to be on swimteam as a kid but that was over 30 yrs ago. I've never truly swam laps since then. It's amazing how sore some of my muscles are today.
Tomorrow I'm going to attempt the scariest part of the Tri, at least scariest for me...the bike. I've biked at the gym using a recumbant and upright but it's been even longer since I've ridden an actual two-wheeler than it's been swimming laps. Tomorrow morning, hopefully veiled in the early morning darkness, I'll attempt to keep my balance while riding around the neighborhood on two wheels. It will be a comical sight, hopefully one that will not lead to any falls. Not sure what my stamina will be like or how much my leg muscles will take but I'll never know unless I attempt it.
So in 6.5 weeks I need to swim 500 meters, bike 12 miles and do a 5k (which, as of right now, I plan to WALK) Can I do it? I'm not sure. But the one thing I do know is if I don't start training FOR SURE I will not be able to accomplish it.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
I've been M.I.A for awhile. I keep trying to make a comeback, my head has been able to bob up to the surface on occassion only to sink back under the waves of overwhelming emotions.
Here I am, on my official weigh-in day and I am 10lbs heavier than I was 3.5 weeks ago. Why? Addictions and Choices!
At first I was thinking the addiction wasn't mine but that I was only making bad choices in dealing with someone else's addictions. Well, I was wrong.
Easter Sunday I received a panicked phone call from someone letting me know that a loved one had OD'd and they didn't know what to do. I hurried over and saw a sight I hadn't seen before. My loved one stumbling around, mumbling non-sensical words, bumps and bruises all over the body from many falls and incapable of doing anything for themself. We made the decision to go to the ER.
I spent 7 hours that day sitting there, worried about this person. Going over their life and seeing a pattern of addiction and hoping, praying, that this time would be the rock bottom that would spur a change.
Since that day I have been closely involved in the daily life of my loved one. Giving support to them and their spouse in this very difficult trying time, making appointments with counselors, doctors and even attending some of those appointments.
The day after Easter I was able to somewhat stay on track. I didn't eat 100% on plan but the stress of it all did lead me to do three different workouts on my treadmill, an escape, where I cried as I walked.
I've allowed those feelings of stress, overwhelming worry and chaos to take over, derail me and pull me under. During the past 10 days of much thought I've realized that my loved one is not the only one with an addiction, I am an addict too!
Three days ago I was invited to sit with my loved one, their spouse and a spiritual advisor for a 2.5 hour counseling appointment. Were we there for them? Because I really felt most of the counsel was given for ME! Things I needed to hear to pull me off my trail of destruction!
Oh, I'm not being destructed by alchohol, and there is no addiction to nicotine or pot or perscription drugs or even to street drugs. My drug of choice is much cheaper and readily available than any of those and it's socially (and legally) acceptable. My addiction is to food!
I heard my loved one say that it wasn't the taste or the smell that set off the addiction this time around. It wasn't sought out because of any craving. It was used because of feelings, emotions and wanting to feel better and make those go away.
Do those feelings, emotions, or situations that brought them on truly go away after succumbing to the drug of choice? NO! Not only do they NOT go away but things are worse, usually drastically so!
So food, specifically sweets and peanut M&M's, were sought out on my part. Did I seek them because they taste good? NO! Well, they do taste good but I've known they taste good for the last 15 weeks but have been able to stay away. Just like my loved one, I took those foods to escape, to feel better! Did they make me feel better? NO!
As the past 10 days went on I saw my healthy habits slowly slipping away the longer I caved into my drug! The first day I justified a little bit, just to add a little enjoyment to my day BUT I did do 90 minutes of workouts. The next day my workouts were drastically decreased but the sugar increased (I specifically went to the store hunting for 50% reducsed Easter sweets). And now, looking back at my week and getting ready to log in for my BL challenge I realize I haven't exercised at all! Not one minute of cardio, not even a squat (well except the ones I do while unloading the dishwasher). The sweet taste of my drugs no longer hold enjoyment. The true sweetness is only appreciated after the first few bites after that the taste is almost non-existant and it becomes just the action of eating. My drug choice, after 10 days of increasing doses, has left me 10lbs heavier, made me feel physically sick and has facilitated a lazier even more depressed attitude than before.
Did I truly think a LARGE back of M$M's would give me the energy and strength to deal with life? NO! But a 30-60 minute workout would have!
It all comes down to choices. Addictions are there, they are reality and MANY deal with them in their various nasty and ugly forms. But I DO KNOW that I AM STRONGER than an addiction! Is an addiction easy to break? No but it can be done!
My loved one has a serious addiction but it can be broken by choices. Choices:
*to stay away from where those things are
*to continue visits with doctors and counselors
*to attend an addiction program
*to admit there is a problem
*to seek help from his spiritual advisor and loved ones
But more importantly
*to WANT there to be a change
My addiction to food can also ONLY be broken by my choices. Choices I have to make daily, even hourly or by the minute. Choices:
*to keep my drug of choice out of the house
*to keep appointments with doctors and possibly counselors
*to seek help from my family, loved ones and friends (including Sparkers)
*to take on only what I truly and healthfully can handle
*to admit there is a problem
*to WANT to change
During this challenging time I admitted to my 13yo daughter that I was having a hard time staying away from bad foods. I said, "Why do I always turn to food when things get rough?" "Doesn't everyone?" was her response. Oh my goodness, what have I created? Another generation of food addicts?!!! "No", I quickly responded, "A lot of people turn to other things, exercise, reading, a hobby, etc... I'm working on being one of those other people." I hope that sunk in with her. But more than my words making that wanted impact it all comes down to her seeing my better CHOICES.
Sorry for the long post. I hope it made sense. I needed to write/post something for me to be able to work through this.
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