Monday, April 16, 2012
Warning: I'm letting my evil twin "The Pessimist" out of her closet.
I am having the second day of a mild anxiety attack. Its affecting my exercise. Proof: I just came back from my slowest run EVER. I just couldnt do what I normally do.
I'm supposed to get approved for a new job tonight/tomorrow. Part Time Home Teacher for a local school district. Why the anxiety? Duh, I love teaching, but I lost the job before. Obviously, I'm worried about turning my family upside-down again and FAILING.
These failure "brain worms" are affecting my exercise routine. My slowest run ever today and then in my time on the bike, it takes me about an hour (58 to 65 minutes, depending) to do 11 miles. Friday I tried to do a Brick with both bike and running legs, and just collapsed about a mile into the run. So I'm slow and have no endurance and willpower. Will the triathlon be one more thing I fail at?
3 days last week I was under on my calorie count. When this happened before I said "Wow, this is cool, perhaps I can start working a few treat foods back into my diet." But when I ate the cookies, I almost instantly went over. So I cant even get the diet thing down. I either eat too much, or too little, and I end up staring at the fridge at 8pm. I'm not hungry and I'm wondering if I should eat just to eat, but that seems like the road to ruin.
So right now, I'm a giant, anxiety ridden failure magnet. And my house is a giant mess too, so I'm not even a successful housewife either.
I call myself the Optimist, because usually I try to keep these dark thoughts to myself. I want to support other people. My issues are ... my issues. I made my bed. I try to be a Light for myself and other people, but the problem is: the brighter the light, the sharper the shadows in the corners. Right now, they are looming over me and the more I try and stuff them down, the worse I feel. I'm hoping that by naming them, publicly, I can face them. Make them go away.
Yes I talked to my Doctor about my anxiety. Yes I do need therapy. But my insurance does not cover it. So I stuff everything inside, duct-tape the box shut and say I'll deal with it later. Because you cant outrun your demons and your shadows are stuck to the soles of your feet.
And now I'm going to take a shower.