Thursday, July 03, 2014
I woke up this morning and a gentle rain was falling outside. The sound of the rain falling was soothing. I reached over and hit the snooze button. "I really don't want to get up and walk. My knees ache and I am still tired," I said to myself. "Just get up and get it over with," I reasoned. Yawn. "I don't want to," I said. "Once you start it will be fine. If you don't, you will regret it," I reasoned. "So what. You'll get over it. It's ONE morning," I countered. I hit the snooze again and dozed off, and then I hit the snooze a second time and dozed off, and THEN I hit the snooze a third time and dozed off.
"What? Oh crap. Get up girl! Lace up those shoes, get moving. You got this. Get on that treadmill." uhhhh, "OK" I replied. I look at the clock - there is no way to walk 30 minutes and get to work on time. I made my way to the shower. Walking time was long gone. That window of opportunity was slammed shut.
"OK, so I'm a slacker. It is one morning, right? I'll be good the rest of the day. It's ok to slack off one day. You can't do everything right all the time. It's ok, really it is!"
Then I hop on the scale. WHAT? Still up from my Saturday challenge weigh in. How can that be? I've been good. I've been walking. I've been doing strength training. I've stayed in my calories since I had that pizza. I should be back where I was at least!
"Now you did it. Not only did you NOT walk this morning, you gained weight this week! You are not the biggest loser, you are just a plain old loser," the shame gremlin inside taunted.
I get to work. On the counter in the kitchen is a spread of bagels and cookies. They looked so yummy.
"Go ahead and have one, you already gained weight. What's a little more? You know you want one. Don't deny yourself. Quit denying yourself the food you love!" the gremlins reasoned.
I walked on to my office. Took a deep breath. "Focus Barb. What do you really want. Is it really that cookie or do you really want to be healthy and eat better. If you want to eat better, that cookie is not part of the plan. Remember what the doc said? You are fit! You are fit because you are doing the right things. You are fit because you are eating better." Geez, sometimes I hate that voice of reason that lives inside me.
I started working. "If you want one of those shortbread cookies, you better get it now before they are all gone. You deserve it. Don't let someone else have it - go get it NOW! Go see if they are still there. If they are there, you are meant to have one.", the gremlins taunted.
"No, eat the cherries you brought from home. They are sweet and will taste so good. You love cherries. That cookie will just start the downward slide."
"Start the downward slide? You are already ON the downward slide silly. Have the cookie," the relentless gremlins countered.
I buzz one of my walking buddies and make plans to walk on my lunch hour with her. "OK, so I am now officially OFF the downward slide. I have plans to walk. I'm not going to make this any worse than it is." Take that gremlins.
I got out my cherries and started eating them. Then I got up and walked through the kitchen. Damn. The cookies were STILL there! It was almost lunch time and they were still there! Maybe it was a sign?
Barter time. "OK, so they are still there. Go for your walk. Eat your lunch. If you still want that cookie and they are still there, you can have 1/4 of the cookie. You can stay in your calorie count with 1/4 of the cookie if you cut back on something else later in the day."
"I hate it when you do that. You know you can't eat 1/4 of the cookie. It's all or nothing. You will eat the whole thing 1/4 at a time!" the shame gremlins laughed.
You know what, I think they have something there.
So I went out and walked for a half an hour, ate my lunch and went back to work. The cookies were still there.
I walked by and went back to my office.
I really don't want the cookie. I just THINK I want the cookie. I really don't want the shame and guilt session that will come after eating the cookie. I already had one of those today by skipping my walk and a second one when I stepped on the scale.
Good grief! Stop it! Stop this childish fighting! Only you can stop this! Quit obsessing on the fricking cookie! It is a beautiful day outside. Everything it holds for you is going to get lost in this internal battle over a shortbread cookie? Really? You have already lost almost half of your day to a cookie which is occupying far to much space in your mind.
OK. I waved the white flag. No cookie today. That's it. No more discussion. No more thoughts about it. Moving on. Restarting my day while there is still some left.
It's all about choices. Little choices or steps - steps in the right or wrong direction. Stay in bed and listen to the rain - or walk? Sit and watch tv in the lunchroom - or walk? Eat the cookie - or not? Take the stairs or the elevator? Yep all little choices that can keep me moving in the right direction towards my goal, or not.
While I hate these internal battles, I love my voice of reason. With each day on this journey, it gets a little stronger. Sometimes those gremlins outsmart it with their wiley tactics but not anymore today. There was a time when my voice of reason was so weak it was almost silent. The gremlins were so strong they would just bully and push it aside like it was nothing. Not today.
I am looking forward to the day when my voice of reason prevails more than not! But in the mean time, just for today, I am waving the white flag, calling a truce and moving on whether the cookie is still there or not!
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
I went to the doctor today. I usually hate to step on that scale - it is my moment of shame and guilt! I used to actually think about the weight of the clothes I wore, take off my jewelry in the car, make sure I kicked off my shoes and removed anything I could before stepping on that box. I'd watch the numbers until I saw the dreaded number flashing at me.
Not today. I went in, jewelry, shoes and all, stepped on that scale and it was about 25 lbs less than the last time I was in! But the best part was to come.
The nurse took me into the room. He commented on my weight loss and said good job. I couldn't help but smile. Actually, I probably was beaming!
Then he put that little gizmo on my finger to take my pulse. He asked me if I am a calm person. I laughed. Me? Calm? Hardly. I thought the number would be high as I parked in the spot farthest from the door and sprinted in to the office. He said I had an excellent resting pulse. He then took my blood pressure and said it was at the low end of the acceptable spectrum. What? Me? I used to be borderline high!
When the doc came in she looked at his numbers. She took my pulse again. She smiled. She said that it was the best rate she has seen this week and that she has seen some runners this week! She made a note in her chart that I was working out regularly explaining the number which she said could be alarmingly low for someone who was not working out. Who woulda thought?
She reviewed my lab results and said my total cholesterol was down, my HDL increased a tad and that if it wasn't for that number on the scale, my labs and stats indicate I am a --- are you ready? A FIT INDIVIDUAL!
Me! A fit individual! Who woulda thought?
Well after my poor food choices this weekend, my blistered feet, and my obsessive self telling me to throw in the towel. I felt anything but fit yesterday. In fact I thought I would NEVER, EVER be fit. This is the best timed good news I have had!
So now I have a new goal.... to see that number on the scale to lower so it is an indication of a fit individual!
My batteries became recharged, my motivation returned full force, my determination is a fierce as ever. One step, one choice at a time. I will become fit!!!
What a sharp contrast to where I was yesterday! Which says to me - never, ever quit for you do not know what lies around the next corner!
Monday, June 30, 2014
Saturday was weigh in day for our 5% challenge. I posted a weight loss of 3.6 lbs for the week! WooHoo!!!!! I am so proud of myself and all my hard work to accomplish that! It was not easy. It was a challenge!!!
I should be flying high with that feeling of accomplishment but then.....
I had a fundraiser to attend Saturday afternoon where I was sitting in a chair at the door collecting tickets from 12-5pm. Prior to going there, I got up early, walked on the treadmill. My feet were screaming. I had some old blisters from my running shoes. I switched to my old running shoes, which gave me blisters in different places, so switched back to the new shoes which gave me blisters on my healing blisters. I have a pair of walking shoes I picked up at Kohls that are not as supportive as my running shoes, but in desperation I tried those - which gave me different blisters! OUCH! I pushed through and got 4 miles down. I had to stop a couple times to get it done, but I did it! Almost half my steps in before my sit down afternoon.
Afterwards, I took a friend to dinner for her birthday. She chose to go to a local bar/grille. I was tempted by the French dip. I decided to have it. Not my best choice but not my worst either! I skipped the accompanying chips - thinking of how many minutes it would take to walk off those extra calories and how my feet would feel if I had to do that!
I got home, looked at the number on my fitbit, put on my workout clothes and headed back to that treadmill. It was a challenge. I didn't want to, but I did it. I walked a half hour. I just couldn't do any more. My feet HURT. My fitness minutes were not a perfect 120 to support my team. I felt dejected, like I didn't do my part! I showered and went to bed. Tomorrow would be another day.
Sunday I got up. I only did a mile and a half on the treadmill and my feet were objecting. I chose to quit. I grabbed a protein bar, ate it in the car and I took my granddaughter shopping. We hit the mall about 12:30. I planned on eating lunch with her but she had eaten before we left and wasn't hungry. I opted to skip lunch, after all I just ate a protein bar. We walked the mall and some other stores. About 6pm I took her home. I then had to bring some things to my son who is attending special needs camp this week. After that, I was finally home!
I looked at the fitbit and knew I had a long ways to go to get my steps in for the day. I thought all that mall walking would have added up to a higher number. It didn't. I hopped on that treadmill and got walking. While walking, I started feeling light headed and it occurred to me - what time is it? 8:30pm! I missed dinner! Yet I wanted to finish my walking because I knew if I stopped there was no way I was gong to get my feet back into a pair of running shoes and do some more! It was now or never. I needed more minutes to get that 120 score! I got off that treadmill about 9:15. My feet could just not do another step. I fell short of that 120 again. Two days in a row of not turning in a perfect score. Two days in a row of letting my team down (or so my head tells me). My self talk? You are such a loser. You are such a slacker. You are letting your team down. You will NEVER make this journey. You don't have what it takes.
I know in my heart I did not let my team down. I put forth a good effort but that voice in my head chatters on.
To complicate things, I had no groceries in the house because I was so busy doing other things this weekend I didn't do the things I SHOULD have done - like buy groceries. Ever been there? More emotions - more falling short only this time on the home front.
So I picked up the phone and ordered a thin crust pizza from a local pizza place and wolfed down two pieces at 9:45. I was exhausted. It was a quick fix. It wasn't even about wanting to eat yummy pizza. I'm not sure I even tasted it! It was about looking for the easiest way out and at that time my choices were fast, take out food. Pizza comes to your door, other things would require me to go out. I just wanted to SIT - so I opted for the easiest way. How sad is that? Top off that loser, slacker self talk with a sprinkling of more guilt and shame.
Amazing, but I was within my calorie count for the day - but my food choices were dismal, my eating was SOOOO unhealthy. Skipping meals and then eating a mongo calorie meal right before going to bed. That sucked!
Today I got up and I was so tired. I got on Mr. Scale. I was up .6 UGH! I know that the .6 isn't even reflective of my weekend eating - that food isn't even digested yet! To top that off, I have no energy. I am sure it is because I have no good fuel to replenish my body and I have been pushing it hard!
My head is telling me to punish myself, to walk 15 miles today and eat as little as possible so that the .6 will be gone tomorrow. I know that is old, not healthy thinking that gets me nowhere. I know this will only take me further from my goal, not towards it. I'm trying not to listen, but it is hard. That sounds like the quick fix. I want the quick fix. I want the affirmation of the old number on the scale, not this bigger one I don't like!
I have decided to NOT get on a treadmill today. I have decided to go to the grocery store after work and then to follow that up with a trip to the gym. I am not going to do any exercise walking today - well maybe a few warm up laps on the track - but that is it!
TODAY I AM LISTENING TO MY BODY - not my obsessive mind that says get on that treadmill, get your 15 miles today - and not the me that gets so caught up in doing fun things that I don't eat healthy and then eat crap! That was the me of yesterday.
It's strange how I can turn a healthy thing like a goal into an obsession. It is not something I have to reach at ANY cost. I am not a failure if I fall short. I am not a failure if I start my journey on one path but switch to another that will move me in the same direction. The goal ISN'T the number on the scale, the number on the scale is a side effect of the goal!
I am not going to guilt and shame myself for not carrying perfect numbers to support my challenge team, I am doing the best I can today and that is not going to be 120 minutes of exercise! I am sure my teammates are completely satisfied with whatever numbers I turn in. There is no guilt in doing your best and falling short! It isn't about winning at any cost. It is about finishing!
OK, now that I have said all that, I just have to convince myself of it. I need to quiet down that chatter in my head and focus. Today is a new day! I can see my goals clearly. I haven't lost sight of them. I am striving to be a healthier person, to eat better, to exercise more and in the process to reach a healthy weight. Today, I am switching to a different path than the old familiar one I was on and am going to do something different. It is ok.
So, no guilt, no shame, maybe a tiny bit of remorse. Move on Barb. Ok, yep, some of that guilt is still hanging out in the dark corners - but I am trying REALLY hard to sweep it out of there!
Hah! I did great on that challenge. I am NOT a slacker. Pat on the back. I did awesome given my challenges. I am bringing a little light into those dark corners so that guilt cannot fester!
Looking forward to that swim! I might even get on the rowing machine or a bike tonight! I might even find someone who inspires me in the gym tonight.
Note to self: I AM NOT A SLACKER!!! I AM AWESOME!
Friday, June 27, 2014
I had today off work - so no getting up early and hitting the treadmill. Was waiting for the cable repair man. Believe it or not, I was the first stop! After he finished his repair work I laced up the shoes and started walking in the neighborhood. I logged 5 miles before lunch! Then I picked up my granddaughters and headed to the beach. We walked up and down the shoreline quite a ways! So more steps! I did allow myself a splurge of an ice cream cone - not sure that was the wisest with tomorrow being weigh in day! Guess tomorrow will tell.
I did opt for a small cone of soft serve so I didn't do too much damage!
I hate it when I work so hard all week and then reward myself with food - which I normally don't do but it was so tempting and I promised the girls they could have ice cream on the way home. I just HAD to join them!
Squeaking in another short walk, but am going to be shy of my 10 miles today.
Sleep well everyone!
Get An Email Alert Each Time ONTHEPATH2 Posts