Sunday, February 20, 2011
Hubby is safely in a secure hospital ward. I haven't been able to see the doctor yet, maybe tomorrow, but hubby says they are thinking about sending him home Mon. or Tues. on the condition he does intensive out-patient treatment. I would have insisted on that anyway.
They allow visits from noon-1 and 6-8 p.m. For this hour, he is still convinced my 17 year old daughter is a chronic liar and trying to "break us up." I explained that I have discussed some of her behavior (mostly basic teenage indifference to household chores with a little monopolizing my time thrown in) and the one lie we can prove, and she promised to improve. She is also going to live with her Dad for a while since she's scared to death of hubby right now. And, she doesn't have the power to break us up, that is up to him & me. That was not good enough for him, he essentially wants her to be a household chore slave whenever she is present. I had to draw a line and end the visit, will be nervous until I see how tonight goes.
I really appreciate all the supportive notes here. I'm trying to be "normal" at work and my family is not near so thank you for giving me a space to process all of this. For those who suggested, he is on meds (they just apparently weren't enough), he has a counselor, and he wants to go to a bi-polar support group when we get home.
Disability...that is another matter. He was awarded SSDI disability a few years ago for knee & back injuries, after being on appeal for 2-3 years, then tried going back to work. When he couldn't keep working he reapplied & they turned him down. So he's on appeal again. He's lost the first 2 hearings (after the judge verbally said he was approved!) & it's anyone's guess when the 3rd level will be scheduled. I don't see how on earth anyone could think this poor man could work, and the financial stress doesn't make any of this easier! I'm deeply disappointed in the Social Security system and the rest of the rapidly disappearing safety net.
That said, I am so grateful for the kindness of friends and strangers these days. A friend called right when I needed her Friday night, came over & kept me from driving out of state late at night & exhausted. Another friend tried to retrieve the car hubby sold (too late). The checker in the hospital cafeteria told me about emergency housing for patient families ($25/night!). Today I went to the store to get on-my-diet frozen meals & beverages, a notebook and underwear for hubby. I had to go down an escalator to get back to my car, and couldn't balance my purchases, my cane and me. I was trapped at the top of the escalator saying "You can do this, you HAVE to do this" when a nice young man offered to help. I cried in gratitude. I think I'll be doing that a lot for a while.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Well, it turns out the 3 day fight with the spouse and daughter was really the beginning of a manic episode for him (complicated by some relatively minor teenage misbehavior). He was missing for most of the week, sold our only paid for car, and was found in the next state ready to commit suicide.
I would appreciate any prayers, positive thoughts, whatever your belief system allows.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wow! A 3-day 3-way fight between me, husband and 17 year old daughter = 800 calories over my daily limit yesterday. It could have been worse... 1 binge, not 3. I ate home-made reduced fat biscuits and kielbasa. I wanted full fat bakery rolls and a key lime pie (yes, I wanted the whole thing!). I always thought carbs were my comfort, but it seems fat is the real deal.
Tonight we are seeing a family counselor we've seen before. My daughter is NOT going to like what I have to say. She got caught in a lie (with photographic proof). It was a small thing in absolute terms but part of a larger pattern and it's going to take her a while to earn back my trust and respect. I'm also going to remind her that she will be graduating and gone next year and I would like my husband to be able to stick around in the mean time. Which means some of her behavior needs to change. And I need to be better at setting limits. At the same time, he needs to get past the idea that I can *make* a 17-year old do *anything* if she doesn't want to. They both need to realize that life is rarely "fair."
I can withdraw services (like driving her to school on Mondays) or I can send her to her room while I cool off, but her choices are her own. She needs to separate from me so she can leave the nest, that's normal and right, but it's up to her how unpleasant she needs to make this. Don't get me wrong. She's a good kid. A+ student, early college, friends, respectful out in public. She just doesn't like the idea that I remarried and that takes some of my attention away from her. Today I'm telling her to get over it, or at least act like it while she lives in my house.
So, anyway, thanks for listening. Or not, I'm really writing this for me. I expect that the next time things get this stressed I'll probably do a little more emotional eating. But I will try to at least moderate the quantity. I'm going to have to work really hard the rest of the week to make up for last night. I don't regret doing what I had to to get through the night, but next time I hope to pick an easier (let alone healthier) way to soothe my nerves.
P.S. Thanks to my Mom, Janis, Mike & Tricia for caring & listening. That probably saved me another 800 calories and a lot of tears!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I know that with all things, your enthusiasm goes up & down in a cycle. New marriage, you get maybe a year or two of "honeymoon." At some point things settle into a routine, as they must, with occasional bursts of renewed passion to keep things interesting. Unfortunately, with dieting (I mean life style change) the cycle seems to be much, much shorter.
I've been at this (this time) for nearly 2 months and my enthusiasm is flagging. Not my determination, just my Rah! Rah! attitude. Just as you have to work at a relationship, I'm going to have to work now to continue to lose weight.
Last week we took a retiring co-worker out to lunch. I did the best I could with the menu choices available but ate a TON of sodium. I woke up with swollen ankles the next 3 days until I got around to taking an extra diuretic. Swollen ankles are uncomfortable, but some days I just don't have time to be running to the loo all day!
One of the goodies that can come along with morbid obesity is lower extremity edema and I seem to be very good at it. My ankles have been swollen to one degree or another for years, to the point that I have nerve damage from the over-stretched skin. A light touch on the front of my lower calf hurts and according to my doctor probably always will.
Anyway, aside from the daily diuretic I take for blood pressure I have an extra to take when my ankles are uncomfortably swollen. I weighed in Saturday up 3 lbs, took my diuretic and this a.m. I'm down 4 lbs with normal looking ankles. They'll be swollen by the end of the day, but the idea is to have them look normal in the a.m. after I've had them up all night.
So, that gets me down 1 lb for the week. Not nearly as exciting as the first couple of weeks when I lost 4-5 lbs. Yes, I know, 1-2 lbs a week is the healthy way to go but those bigger numbers feel like winning on a slot machine--lights, music, congratulations from the guy next door! Now I'm into the work of my relationship with healthier eating. Things are settling into that routine, which is great, but more quietly so.
This week, I'm going to look more carefully at sodium and food choices. Luckily for me, no one is retiring this week. Portions seem to be OK except for dessert type foods. Meant to eat a small serving of ice cream, ended up eating a whole cup. I was still under my calorie count for the day, but definitely could have made some wiser choices. This week I'll try to do better. And be happy if a week from now I'm down a pound.
Friday, February 04, 2011
I usually weigh on Saturdays, but hopped on the scale this a.m. instead for some reason. Woo Hoo! Down 3 more pounds. So I measured my waist & neck for the heck of it--neck down 1.5 inches & waist down 3.5 inches!!! Still really big numbers in the absolute sense, but a big improvement, especially since I haven't been able to exercise.
Best of all, I am just under the weight goal my hip doctor set for mid-late MARCH! That means I'm half way there. Well, aside from little things like surgery, lost wages, rehab--nothing compared to losing the pounds! :-)
Thank you SparkPeople and all my friends in the "real world" who have been so supportive. Would it be weird if I "thanked" my hip pain too? I definitely wouldn't have been motivated to start this adventure without it...
So...on to the next 15 lbs. I'm hoping that after those come off my pain level will decrease enough to try water walking again. If not I'll figure something else out. Oh, and I suppose I should go to work now!
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