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My monthly report

Saturday, October 01, 2011

This has been a difficult month for me. My mother passed away. On top of that my therapist decided to go private and my clinic have not found anyone to replace her yet. I am trying to be strong and take one day at a time.

I have been diligent with my fitness routine, I am doing at least 30 minutes of cardio everyday and I recently joined the YMCA. I feel very excited about my workout program. I am very happy with my decision. I now look at working out as something fun. I am starting to enjoy the pain one gets from a good workout. I have been a bit careless about my nutrition, though. The days that I overeat are becoming more and more often. Thus, I need to pay more attention to it. This will be one of my goals for this month, be as diligent with my food tracking as I am with my workouts.

My other goal is to fight the feeling of wanting to isolate myself from others. Whenever I feel that depression is taking the best of me I tend to hide myself from the world, then wallow in self pity, start hating myself for doing nothing and start wishing that I had the courage to kill myself. In the past years, the depression has taken my job, tons of my money, my energy, my self esteem, my trust. I can not allow myself to follow the same path again. I am not going to let myself fall in the cycle of self harm laziness and self hatred. So I am putting myself out there. I am going to let others, the world help me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TOPAZROSE 10/2/2011 9:12AM

    I am sadden to read of the passing of your mother. My sincerest condolences to you.

This is an important time in your life. Grieving is many things and it can be intensely difficult. It is important for you to get support, doubly so in light of your health and your bereavement. You are in a good position because you are identifying that you are at risk and need support so please be insistent on getting it. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Thinking of you. emoticon emoticon

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JORTAY99 10/1/2011 9:36PM

    I am so sorry about your mother....I do not struggle with depression as you do and when I lost my father it was a very difficult time and I ended up in therapy as well. Please push the issue with your clinic and see if they can find you another therapist. You do have your priorities in line. But this is a very difficult time for you and it would not hurt to get that extra backup if you can. My prayers are with you....and to repeat the above post...we are here for you.

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    Even though you're going through a rough time right now, it sounds like you have your priorities straight. Remember that we're here for you.

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I am not perfect.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My weight has been fluctuating between 174 and 176 lbs for the last week. I know it is normal, I should not worry about this and keep doing what I am doing. I gain weight mostly around my belly, the problem of being an anxious person. So I measured my waist and I am not gaining weight around my belly, in fact, is slowly decreasing. I know I should not obsess about this. However, my need to be perfect is haunting me. The nirvana fallacy attacks me everyday and sometimes stops me from doing anything.

I feel like I need to be perfect because of my deep fear of being rejected. When I was a child people around me, including my mother, used to say I was ugly and many many times I felt rejected. I was extremely smart, that was one thing that everybody seemed to unanimously agree with. I could not be pretty but I was smart. I went through life pushing myself to a higher education so people would accept me.

Last year I finished my PhD in Astrophysics. Many people, who I talk to, do not know what Astrophysics really means but they know it means being smart. However, I feel miserable about it. In my mind my PhD thesis was far from being perfect and I did not deserve the degree. I feel I am unable to move forward with my life. Nowadays I feel I am not smart and I fear that sooner or later people will find it out. I am so so afraid of being rejected. I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I know it is silly. I know I am wrong, thinking like this, dismissing anything in the real world because in my mind I compare it to an unrealistic and perfect alternative. It is a logic error. I am not perfect, in fact, nobody is.

So what if my weight is not going down? I should be patient and keep doing what I am doing and try to move forward. Keep in mind that I am not perfect and I may not be the best but I am resilient and strong.

Then I went jogging... I ran for about 2 miles without stopping.

I know I am not there yet but I can already see the changes in my body when I look at myself in the mirror. For me, this is not just about losing weight. It's about moving forward, being patient, loving myself and finding peace and contentment in every moment of my life. Seeing every step for what it is and above all being patient is the key for me to realize that I can do this.

Sometimes, I close my eyes and I imagine myself with less 10, 20... 50 lbs When I open my eyes again, the 10 to 50 lbs are still there and I am disappointed with myself.

So I try to I imagine myself to be one of my friends. I always try to be patient, understandable and encourage my friends to follow their dreams. If one of my friends would tell me they would like to lose weight, I would encourage them to be patient, to take one step at a time, to follow a healthy diet and to work out instead of expecting them to do the impossible. So why do I expect myself to do the impossible and to be perfect? If all have I done is to close my eyes, what am I expecting to happen? Some kind of magic that will make 10-50 lbs of my body mass to vanish?

I am taking the right steps and I can do this. The only thing that is in my way is my need to be perfect, my fear of being rejected. The good new is I can not change reality but I can change the way I look at it. I am not perfect and I will never be. What's the fun in being perfect anyway?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1LATTE4ME 9/11/2011 12:51AM

    Hey Girlfriend - you are a rocket scientist AND you can two miles without stopping.

This is cool. :)

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    Thanks so much for sharing your are a wonderful person ! Keep up the good work !!! I have a great download /hypnosis I listen to at night which deals with self acceptance. If you are interested, I'd be glad to email it to you !

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ELIPAO 9/8/2011 11:49AM

    sometimes, when we are young we label ourself, saying that we are not beautiful, and not enough skinny, thinking that maybe those thought will protect us from how the people and high schoolers usually treat you.

The thing is that we really don't know is that we grow into those labels, and the beautiful person you were meant to be was jeopardize by those thoughts..

Anyways... loosing weight is a journey.. is difficult.. and is very slow.. I'm obsess on my weight and my body changes.. and never seems to be fast enough for me to be happy with it...

So we have to relay ourselves with the little accomplishment like running 2 miles... I think is beautiful that you shared your fears... but is more beautiful.. that you already understand how your mind works.. and start making changes so you can become a secure high self-esteem person...

YOU ARE SMART AND BEAUTIFUL .. and have the ability to write without boring the readers...

so kuddos!!! God bless you...

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CAROL494 9/6/2011 8:30PM

  You are on the right track! Patience is a virtue. It is something that evolves with experience and the wisdom to see the positive results by practicing patience.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! emoticon

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DBBDANFORD 9/6/2011 4:48PM

    While I would never claim to be smart enough to earn a PhD in Astrophysics, I say with age comes wisdom. I have been in your shoes and still am in some ways. The need to be perfect to avoid rejection because I didn't think I had anything else to offer. I'm a lot older now and have come to know I caused myself a lot more pain and suffering in a multitude of ways including physically because of it and very little joy or rewards came with my efforts to be perfect. In fact, I doubt anybody but me paid any attention to it. Be glad you are aware and working on this now instead of wasting more time, energy and emotion in a pursuit that has little pay off. My new attitude is to do the very best I can and let it go. God Bless...I think you are beautiful. I appreciate you sharing your heart and soul with us.

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PIZO78 9/5/2011 1:04PM

    I couldn't run 2 miles without stopping, that right there is a huge accomplishment. Try to not worry about what other people think of u as hard as it may be. U should be proud of urself!!! Heck, I'm proud of u and don't even know u :)

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PATTY267 9/5/2011 10:24AM

    I could so associate with your comments. I remember a time when I was less forgiving of my body and was very critical of myself. But thank goodness, through the years, I have become more accepting of my imperfections. I even reached a point where I verbally apologized to my body for the terrible way I had treated her through the years through poor diet, my tendency to be a workaholic, not getting enough rest,and the unkind statements I've made about my body. Afterall, I was the one who did it to myself. My body was just the victim of my poor choices and, through the years, she has served me well in spite of it all.

Oh, I still make poor choices, but the difference is that I know that I am the one responsible of my choices. I've learned to love myself unconditionally. That is a lesson learned from above.

Blessings to you as you continue your journey to good health.
emoticon ... as can I!

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RICU1952 9/5/2011 2:13AM

    At least you are doing something to make a difference in your life. Congratulations and know you are not alone.

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ABBEMINE 9/4/2011 10:13PM

    Wow, what a wonderful story. No one ever thinks anyone else shares what someone else does, but they do. I do. My mother was never positive and my Dad saw me as a sex toy. Really. I didn't know what perfectionism was. My Dad made sure I never wanted any help with my homework or puzzles if I was working one. So I made mistakes just so I could get attention. Bad Huh!!! I want to lose like everyother person on this team. Enstead of losing, I've learned to enjoy the company of the people on this website.
I've also learned that I've thrown alot of "tasty" food out the
window and started eating right which I can tell. I'm not bloaty
anymore. So offer yourself a welcome treat for accepting the worst and making it better. You deserve it. Hang in there.

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AUTUMN_HARVEST 9/4/2011 7:53PM

    TV and magazines give us a false image of perfect. Heck, even in the news there have been many scandals recently about air-brushing or changing skin color. If these images of women and men are supposed to be the picture of perfection why are they hiding behind photoshop. You my friend are perfectly you! The lifestyle changes you make are yours to claim. Sometimes that darned scale can put us through undue stress and I am so glad you did other measurements as well! emoticon

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FLPALM 9/4/2011 4:26PM


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WINDANCER99 9/4/2011 11:42AM

    What we're told as children impacts the rest of our lives. It's taken years of therapy to begin undoing the verbal and emotional abuse. Your idea of treating yourself as you would a friend is something in which to strive. No one is perfect. I understand why you feel you must be perfect but it only leads to heartache. I also understand your fear of rejection I fight with that too. Focus on the people in your life that you do have.

You are a "beautiful" woman! You are intelligent as shown by your PhD! You are taking the correct steps to lose weight! Try to be patient, you'll get there! I wish you all the best!!!

emoticon YOU"RE emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MNNICE 9/4/2011 11:19AM

    I've found that there comes a point in a woman's life where she realizes she LIKES and is proud of who she is, and really doesn't give a rip if some people don't like her or not. It's liberating, and allows us really to become a better person because we're not trying to be someone else or impress anyone! You have so much to be proud of! Remember that "perfect" means different things to different people. Just be the best YOU you can be!

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    You are fabulous just the way you are - and the fact that you were brave enough to post a blog about your struggle with perfectionism is awesome. I find myself falling prey to the perfectionism bug every now and then - it can make you crazy - it can make you give up way too soon - sure, some folks are lucky enough to drop weight very quickly - others aren't - I struggle with thyroid issues and the fact I'm getting older, have a desk job that keeps my idle for 9 hours a day - all things that make me frustrated, but I keep saying to myself 'consistent persistence will prevail' - when you stop and think about your progress you will find that you have gained so much along this journey - a fitter body (could you run for 2 miles without stopping before you started this journey?), a sense of accomplishment after a good work-out, you're probably making wiser food choices and taking better care of yourself........and many, many more great things! I think we women should collectively kick perfectionism to the curb and enjoy our fabulous selves just as we are! -Shanna emoticon emoticon

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GRRARRGH 9/4/2011 8:48AM

    2 miles without stopping is amazing!!! Congrats on such an accomplishment!! emoticon

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SUNNY2DAY2 9/4/2011 6:20AM

    Congrats on taking the right steps. Take one day at a time. emoticon

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FLAFLUTTERBY 9/4/2011 5:18AM

    Perfectionism ... one of the great paralyzers of all time. I think at one time or another we have all suffered from some sort of perfectionism ... the truly "impossible dream." Once we learn to accept ourselves at our imperfect best, then we can move forward in achieving our goals. Emily suggested therapy; I've done that and it helped me tremendously. Cheryl mentioned living in the here and now; also good to do. She mentioned self-talk and this one is a biggie! When we talk to ourselves (and I believe we all do, whether silently or out loud), are we positive and upbeat or negative and beat up? Mine changes with the task at hand. I can tell you I love the results when I am positive and upbeat with myself; not so much when I am negative and beating myself up. The negative self-talk limits us in so many ways.

I must agree with everyone who posted here: You are truly AMAZING! Not only are you SMART, but you are also WISE. I don't know what your family was thinking or what they saw, but I can see for myself you are truly BEAUTIFUL inside and out!

Kick the negative self-talk to the curb and allow yourself to be imperfect, yes, but the best you can be! You are not finished ... you are a work in progress, just as we all are.

Blessing to you as you continue your journey.


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TAYGRL 9/3/2011 11:35PM

    the 'funny" thing is that the idea of perfection actually scare me. therefore i TRY to focus on being the best me i can with all my flaws and imperfections. besides those gnarly games our heads play with themselves do a number on us don't they?


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    Thank you! I'm dealing with a recurrence of old feelings of inadequacy right now. In my case, it seems to be hormonally triggered as far as I can tell. When I was growing up, PMS wasn't a concept you heard about, so I was just called moody, difficult, hypersensitive, overly-imaginative, etc.

Don't get me wrong -- the emotional abuses were real enough; it's just that sometimes hormonal fluctuations seem to trigger the tapes. Unfortunately, it took far too many years for me to figure out the pattern, and for most of those years I thought I was just some kind of crazy they didn't have a name for.

It's easy to say, "Just forget about it and go on from here," but it's not always easy to change that image of ourselves that was instilled in us when we were too young and vulnerable to resist. I look at you and see a remarkable woman, intelligent, articulate, and determined to take control of her life. I hope someday when you look in the mirror, you'll see her too.

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CUTENSASSY 9/3/2011 7:04PM

    I agree, there is no one definition of perfect. And who wants to be perfect anyhow. I know that throughout my life, I have learnt so much more from my mistakes.
Keep up the good work and enjoy both the highs and the lows of your journey!

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CLAIRE94620 9/3/2011 6:55PM

    Congratulations on continuing your journey of change regardless of whatever fear that seems to arise and block your way.

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ASHNICKL0VE 9/3/2011 6:09PM


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    What a marvelous blog. Thank you for sharing. Let me just say that not only are you SMART, but you are WISE! Keep up the great work, knowing that you are always being the best you can be.

By the way, don't know what your family is talking about. I love your picture, sweetie.

Go for it!
Renie emoticon

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CHERYLSBUTT 9/3/2011 1:01PM

    As a mother, I want to say to you what I say to my son...You are a gift from God to me and I cherish you!...I emphasize you because there is no one in the world who is you but you.

Your blog, indicates that you talk to say positive things...affirm every little positive step you make. For a while it will need to be a ritual....make your eating and workouts appointments on your calendar until they become second nature.

For one day a week, identify a persona in need and help them! Put your focus on living life each day and celebrating that you are here.

It might sound strange, but I love me. I love the woman I have become and recognize all the hills and valleys of this journey gave me great views. I encourage you to keep becoming and that means you have to take steps toward the vision you see of you every day.

Peace and blessings to you,

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MNJONES2 9/3/2011 11:34AM

    When you worked on your PhD you gave yourself time to accomplish it. You worked on it one step at a time..... so now you much do the same with your weight and physical fitness.

Be here today, be here in this moment and let go of all the other negative thinking. give yourself a positive mantra.... it can change your life.

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AWESOMEIN12 9/3/2011 10:34AM

    You have so many things about you that are amazing! Don't focus on what you think is not ... look at where you are in comparison to where you have been - WOW! You ARE amazing!

I honestly believe that the majority of people mentally deal with what you wrote about in your blog. I know I do! I am so thankful for encouragers (though they are few) like my cousin Cathy whom I have in my life right now.

You can so do this, and I can, too!

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EMILY0724 9/3/2011 9:53AM

    Perfectionism is a form of illogical thinking. Earlier this year I was in therapy and this is one of the things I worked on. Illogical thinking is a "real term" used by therapists and learning ways of overcoming this way of thinking is liberating!

You have so much positive in your life! You are you own worst enemy. I suggest therapy so you can learn to love yourself the way you deserve! It's what I did and it worked!!!!

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SARALEIGHM 9/3/2011 9:34AM

    You're right. Being perfect isn't fun. Striving to be better is much more fun. It's the journey that's important.
emoticon emoticon

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SHAPNUP 9/3/2011 9:15AM

    All we really have is right now. Forget the past, we can't change it. Plan for the future, but be flexible. But really, the only moment we really have is right now. So make your right now beautiful!

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NELLIELOPES 9/3/2011 8:48AM

  You can do this!

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MEADSBAY 9/3/2011 8:37AM

    Many of us struggle with this perfectionism issue- once you figure it out (counseling, meditation...) you will absolutely rock your world.
You have so much going for you.
Who cares about your belly, really?
Do you think that is what people notice about you?
Rock yourself in the cradle of lovingkindness.


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ANGEL636 9/3/2011 1:32AM

    Amen to that. "you are taking the right steps, and you can & WILL do this".
Remember also to take some time out for you & be kind to yourself.

Comment edited on: 9/3/2011 1:33:40 AM

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JIBBIE49 9/3/2011 1:12AM

    emoticonWonderful to see you featured in "THIS MONTHS BEST MEMBER BLOGS". What an honor. emoticon

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BURNINGTHYME101 9/2/2011 9:51PM


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NANCYLRAGS 9/2/2011 8:20PM


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XOCHELSEA 9/2/2011 7:02PM

    You totally just summed up everything I've been thinking for weeks. Good luck with your goals! I know it takes a lot of re-focusing energy from academics to your own body, but you can do it!

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BESTCK 9/2/2011 4:52PM

    That's a great post. Those people were wrong. You are beautiful.

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IRENEGS 9/2/2011 1:50PM

    You can do this!

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MUSICSOUL1075 9/2/2011 12:53PM

    See, in my case people tells me I'm neither, smart or pretty, but since my mother died I think we only have one life and it's dumb to live it worrying about what people think of you, the only persons that I live for and care about are my three precious angels, my kids and it's them that motivate me to be better, in every aspect of my life, they push me, every time I'm running and get tired, to go a little bit more. They are smart, good athletes and give me lots of love every day. So if you don't have a good motive to loose weight you better find one cause nobody is perfect and nobody should feel the way that you feel, so keep working to reach your goals. emoticon

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MASSINO 9/2/2011 12:48PM

    Nice Blog. No one is perfect. If we could just realize that!

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WKYWMN 9/2/2011 12:33PM

    All of us who are perfectionists bring so much angst to our lives by trying to measure up to an impossible ideal. I don't know that we can ever be "cured" but we can make a concentrated effort to be nicer to ourselves.

By the way, I got my Ph.D. twenty years ago and I still have dreams in which I discover I didn't complete one or two of the courses required so I wasn't able to get the degree. Weird!

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ABLEWASI 9/2/2011 12:32PM

    I opted for "the smart route" as well. As I aged, I realized, like you, I'm more than that. Though it is a constant battle to treat ourselves in third party form and do for ourselves what we do for others.
I applaud your efforts. You truly are brillant and amazing as another post said.
Keep on keeping on and try to enjoy the journey. You'll get "there"!

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STRIVER57 9/2/2011 12:31PM

    gee, sounds like my family. i was the smart one, and my sister was the pretty one. took a really long time for me to realize i'm not ugly (and even afterwards i tried and succeeding in making myself ugly by being fat) and for my sister to be quite certain she's really intelligent (she is). yes what the others said. professional help and work on self-esteem should help. and btw it took me until i was 59 (that is, this year) to be able to run 2 miles.

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PERPETUALPLUM 9/2/2011 12:22PM

    I can relate. I've reached a point in my life where I'm not concentrating so much on the weight, but on the quality of my life. You really are doing great. Running 2 miles is excellent. You're not just smart. You are amazing.

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FIT4BABYWULF 9/2/2011 12:07PM

    Realizing that your perfectionism is getting in your way is a HUGE step toward a healthier mindset. And... just for the record... you ARE beautiful. At this weight and at whatever weight you're aiming for. Nobody fits the "ideal". Even models have to be airbrushed and "modified" in photos.

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ELLENSANGEL 9/2/2011 11:59AM

    Hang in there. It's just an adjustment period for your body. You are doing GREAT!

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PGNBRI 9/2/2011 11:42AM

    Lovely post!

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MACEWOMAN 9/2/2011 11:31AM


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METTA4ME 9/2/2011 11:02AM

    It is all self-esteem. You don't REALLY believe anything good about yourself. This is why you strive for perfection- it is like chasing a ghost. There is no perfection so therefore you can't reach it, and therefore you can beat yourself up a little more. You think you are a counterfeit because of the messages you heard growing up. You are beautiful-inside and out-let go of the past. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Hug yourself, learn to praise yourself when you "catch" yourself doing something good, or smart, or kind. Your blog captures a beautiful soul. Don't obsess about the perfect body, there are so many more important things to think about :)

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IGSBETH 9/2/2011 10:53AM

    You are amazing!

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Finally home

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I hate this city. I do not want to be here in ten years from now. This place has nothing to offer me. I did not plan to move here.

We came back because my father-in-law was dying. I spent all my savings with an unplanned change of plans and then I got stuck here.

I had two weeks to pack, sell or donate the things we could not keep. At least I did not have to worry about my travel arrangements as my secretary was taking care of that, I thought. I was wrong, we have two cats and we could not take both of them in same flight during the winter time. After days of talking back and forth with the airline, my husband and I had to take different flights so we could bring the cats with us.

My husband traveled two days ahead of me and I staid behind taking care of the last details and finish packing. Fortunately, I had plenty of help from friends and friends of friends. I was not entirely alone. I had also the youngest and craziest cat keeping me company and making me laugh.

I will always remember this woman, who helped me pack the rest of my stuff, said to me: "You know, I find that the most stressful situations in life are: moving, marrying and the dead of a close one." I turn to her smiling "Then I guess I just hit the jackpot. Got married three months ago, I am moving to place more than 5000 miles away so my husband can say goodbye to his dad who is dying of cancer and ..." a brief moment of silence " and I have to finish my PhD thesis in the next couple of months". One may have expected that after this another moment of silence and sadness would follow but surprisingly we started laughing and then joking. A moment of dark humor followed instead and it helped me went through the day without stressing. This was the last day I remember being relax and feeling free with options. I have been anxious and stressed since then, except yesterday. Later in the afternoon I went jogging.

For the first time in a long time I felt mindful. I did not give up or fought with myself constantly not to do it. I held my head high and my back straight instead of head down and looking at the ground. I could not care less about who was looking at me, if I looked like chubby chick running or care about the guys staring at my boobs bouncing. All I cared was how good it felt running, having the wind blowing on my face and feeling the warm sunlight on my skin. I was enjoying myself and the world around me. No stress, no struggle, only peace of mind.

The route was endless but I felt I could run forever. When I first saw the finish line I did not whine about how far it was and how badly I wanted to give up. I speed up. When I finished my arms were up in the air with glory.

I head home. I walked down the street and saw that the "crackheads" and the "white trash" had been replaced by these beautiful people: a tiny old lady in a cowboy hat walking her tiny dog, a group of young people talking and laughing, a young man in his bicycle riding towards the sunset, the kid playing with his roller skate. Not once my head was down looking at my feet. I knew I was taking the right steps because I was home.

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RONNIEHUEY 8/15/2011 1:23AM

    Awesome! emoticon

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Run, girl run

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Giving up was so much easier.
When did I start quitting on myself?
I can not remember exactly when this downward spiral of self-destruction started but now I know what caused it. Everyday I fight to love myself for who I am and stop the depression from taking control of my thoughts, my life.

Run, girl run. I was pushing myself to run. The finish line seemed to be so far away but I could see it. Part of me was trying to sabotage myself once again by convincing me that I have done enough. If I would quit, it would not be so bad. No, it would not be so bad but I can do this. Why stop if I can do this? I did want to give up badly but I needed to keep going. I was not fighting to run an extra mile, I was fighting mostly with that part of me that feeds on myself destruction like an addicted.

That's the hardest part of my day, fighting with myself to do things that I used to enjoy. Sometimes, I lose the battle and I have to start all over again.
The only difference now, I know I can do this and I will do this.
So run, girl run. I can see the finish line, it is closer than you think.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OMSOME 8/9/2011 2:35PM

    Thank you. I really appreciate your advice. I try take one at a time but I have not looked in mirror and say I love me. I am starting this new habit from this day on. emoticon

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RONNIEHUEY 8/9/2011 12:13PM

    Take it one day at a time.Look for something everyday that will put a smile on your face.A flower,babys curls,puppy or kitten.Even a made bed can make you smile.Look in the mirror and say I like/love me.Do it every day until you believe it.It works!Good luck! emoticon

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