Friday, September 19, 2014
So yesterday happened. But now I'm calmer I can see the small victories that I was too worked up to notice yesterday.
Someone posted a really thoughtless, (I hope) unintentionally-hurtful comment on yesterday's blog, but instead of getting more upset or letting my rage out in a rant on their page I just deleted the comment and moved on. *feeling mature*
I stopped for coffee after the hospital and a wee girl next to me was 10p short for what she wanted to buy. I just happened to have 10p in my pocket so I gave it to her. Old me would have been too shy to get involved.
On the way home from work I stopped to buy some eggs and while waiting in the queue I saw a bag of my favourite sweets on offer. I bought them, because my habit has always been 'feel bad=sugar'. All the way home I was trying to convince myself that eating just one didn't really count as breaking the Whole30 rules, not *really*. But when I got home, I took them out of the bag and put them straight into my Off-Limits box. Out of sight is not out of mind, but at least it means I'm not looking at them thinking how much I want them.
Not only did I not comfort eat, I came home and made myself a really tasty, healthy meal for dinner. I was ugly-crying the whole time but at least I made it!
Today is better. I'm less tired and have had chance to process my 'label'. I still object to it being called a disease, but what can you do.
The last couple of days my calories have been much, much better and I've managed to meet my carb goal as well. I realised what went wrong with the soap soup (turns out coconut milk goes off super fast). And all of my food today somehow tasted absolutely delicious. I finished my dinner tonight and made an involuntary noise. It was that good. Hint: fried sliced sweet potato is the tastiest thing I have ever eaten.
Food day 18:
Breakfast - smoothie, eggs
Lunch - chicken, peas, apple
Dinner - pork, sweet potato fries, carrot fries, broccoli, cauliflower,
Snack - pear, apricots
Food day 19:
Breakfast - smoothie, eggs, brazil nuts
Lunch - chicken, broccoli bacon soup, pear
Dinner - salmon, fried sweet potato, mushrooms and peppers
Snack - apricots, apple, carrot sticks
D'you know I didn't think I liked carrots much, but today I realised how sweet they are. Seriously EVERYTHING tastes amazing today.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
So, today was...not ideal.
Long story short; I was booked in at a renal clinic. I expected them to go “Oh yes, now I see the scars on your kidneys you told us were there ages ago. You may go”. They didn’t.
The official term is ‘chronic kidney disease’, a hideous misnomer if you ask me. They are NOT diseased, they’re just scarred from an illness I had as a toddler. Which I knew, but I didn’t know how badly. Turns out I’m running with roughly 50% kidney function. 50%. One half.
Now, I know that physically nothing has changed since yesterday. My kidneys have been subpar for over 20 years, quite a bit worse than I thought, but my ‘kidney issues’ have been a part of me for as long as I can remember.
But then the doctor used the word ‘disease’ and now I suddenly have a label. I’m diseased. I’m broken. There’s something wrong with me that I will have to manage for the rest of my life. It feels like someone has stamped me DAMAGED GOODS.
I’m trying to be positive, or at least get some perspective (at least it’s not cancer, at least you still have that good 50%, nothing about your body has actually changed) but really I just want to curl up in my bed and cry.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
I think I'm finally narrowing down the possible cause of my upset stomach. I felt absolutely wonderful this morning, best night's sleep I've had for a while and ready for anything. Then I ate my breakfast. Well, part of my breakfast, because I suddenly felt too naff to take another mouthful.
So, if it was my breakfast causing it (rather than some random event that happened to coincide with breakfast) it can only be eggs, kale, garlic or olive oil. I'm discounting eggs because I can eat bacon egg cups, omelettes, scrambly egg etc just fine. And I'm discounting olive oi because I have used it as a dip for my carrots before. It tasted nasty but I had no intestinal reactions to it.
So the answer is kale or garlic. I would put my money on kale, but I'm still going to try them each without the other over the next few days and see what happens. Who knows, maybe it's the combination that I can't take. We'll see.
From the last couple of days tracking my food I can see why I've lost so much weight. Even yesterday when I thought I ate A LOT, I was under on calories and way under on carbs. Although I still met my fibre target, which is probably why I'm not feeling hungry as much as I would have thought on so few calories.
I know I need to up my freggie intake, just because I'm getting bored of the same 2 items, but there's no way I can eat 600 calories-worth of freg. That's how many calories I'm under by today. What on earth do all these paleo people eat to get such high calorie intake??
Food day 17:
Breakfast - fried egg, garlic kale
Lunch - chicken, peas, pear
Dinner - haddock, sweet potato fries, broccoli, banana
Snack - apple, apricot
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
I couldn't decide whether day 15 or 16 would count as the official midway point, what with weighing myself on day 1 rather than day 0. So I weighed myself on both days. They were both the same result, which actually makes me feel better about it; it wasn't just some random one-day fluctuation of the scale.
Start weight: 12 stone 1, 169 lbs
Halfway weight: 11 stone 5 (and a half), 159.5 lbs
Over half a stone gone since I started! I know a LOT of that will be water weight, I was retaining like crazy after NZ, but some of it is genuine fat loss. My clothes are fitting better and I don't find myself poking my tummy rolls in disgust as often as I used to.
Today I've decided to track my food, in case there's some major imbalance that's making me feel so bad so often. I'll track for a few days and have a look at the results.
Some not so good news; I managed to ruin the carrot and coriander soup that I had finally rendered edible. I found a small tub of the old soup and tipped it into the pot with the newly-tasty stuff this morning. It didn't occur to me to check whether this old soup was still good to eat. It wasn't. So now I'm going to have to throw the whole lot out and cry as my money and time get washed down the drain. Gutted.
Today I realised that a large part of my sugar craving is actually that hideous acronym FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out. We give out chocolates at work to the best fieldworkers, and the winner this month offered the chocolates around in Admin (where I work). We have tons of these boxes of chocolates sitting ready to give out. I said no thank you to the offer, without the merest twinge.
There are some boxes of other chocolates that are a week away from their use-by date, so my manager decided to lay them out for everyone. I said no thank you, and I got this instant reaction of fear. My brain was going "but these are the last of those chocolates. If you don't have one THERE WON'T BE ANY LEFT!!". As though there aren't 3 Thornton's shops in Glasgow where I can buy the same box any time I want. As though there will never be chocolates ever again.
I'm choosing to counter this with my best logical voice. "Come on, brain, you know full well you can get a hundred different types of chocolate any time you want. You're not going to die or lose anything vital for not having one wee chocolate, are you? No. So calm the heck down". So far it seems to be working.
Food day 16
Breakfast - bacon egg cups, almonds
Lunch - chicken, peas, salad
Dinner - haddock, kale, sweet potato fries
Snack - apple, pear
Monday, September 15, 2014
I am about one more non-meal away from giving up on this whole stupid thing.
Once again I feel terrible today, even more terrible than I felt when I first got back from NZ which is the whole reason I started this! If there weren't the possibility that the weekend messed me up like this, I would have given up and eaten some cake already. I'm halfway through; I'm fairly sure I'm supposed to be over the 'worse before it gets better' stage.
And rant over. So check it out, I'm halfway through. I might not make it to the end, but halfway is something to be proud of.
I expected my run to be terrible this morning but it wasn't, it was just really quite bad. My body must have used up most, if not all, of my energy reserves so it was like running through treacle the whole way. I made it over 1 mile though, which is good enough for me.
There's also been some progress with the soapy soup. Blending it with fresh soup (sans coriander) and adding coconut milk has made it actually edible. Success! Although I will probably never make it ever again.
Food day 15
Breakfast - bacon egg cups, banana
Lunch - carrot and coriander soup, chicken, salad, orange
Dinner - pork and kale, baked sweet potato
Snack - apple
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