Tuesday, October 08, 2013
I stopped worrying about dieting for awhile. After over a year of trying, my husband and I were thrilled to discover we were expecting! So the diet and desperate attempts to lose weight no longer mattered, taking care of baby was more important. Last week everything changed.
I thought as the physical pain and discomfort faded, I would be able to get back to the normal routine. The first couple days I was almost emotionless, I think I was in shock. Now I can barely function. I'm in a constant depressed state. Sometimes I just break in to tears at no prompting. Other times someone prompts it. I just have such a hard time functioning. Doing anything at all.
Last week I didn't want to talk. This week I feel so alone. And there's no one to talk to. Of my four closest friends, 3 are pregnant (we were all due within a month and a half of each other) and the 4th has a newborn. None of my friends have experienced a miscarriage. People mean well, but they can be so insensitive. One friend suggested I come over for tea (during the work day), so I can try one she has that sounds good but she hasn't been able to try for years because she's always pregnant or nursing. Another sent me an e-mail about a pregnancy clinic looking for sonogram models, and asked me to pass it on to my pregnant friends since I'm no longer pregnant. Of all my friends, we are the only ones who tried for more than a couple months. One was an unexpected oops. The person who waited the longest for it is the person who lost it at 9 1/2 weeks. And people keep pointing it out. I don't need that, I'm very aware that I'm not pregnant anymore. Does anyone know of a good miscarriage support group? I know I need help, but I don't know where to go.
I'm trying to go through the motions. I got my daughter to school. When I got ready to work I realized I hadn't given her breakfast yet. I can't seem to peel myself up to go get water, or food. If it's next to me, I'll eat it. But I won't go get it. I have a painful amount of dishes to wash and put away. My husband was supportive at first, but now he's burying himself in his hobbies. I have responsibilities and I need to force myself to do them. And I need to take care of myself. I just can't.
My daughter is my lifeline. For her I force myself to function, at least at a basic level. She even instinctively seems to know to stop asking for a sibling, she used to ask every day. She wants a baby sister. She knows I'm not feeling well, and when I lay down on the couch she tucks me in and gives me a teddy bear. She is so sweet. And even though I wanted another baby, I have her. Some people are not as fortunate. And I know that. I've been hugging her and telling her I love her a lot. And she's 5, so most of the time she feeds herself :-) I have to pull myself together. If not for me, then for her.
Monday, August 05, 2013
I've been struggling with motivation, especially this morning. Monday mornings are always rough, we were all running late, and I wonder what it's all for. Is it worth it? Will I lose weight by restricting what I eat and exercise? Theoretically yes, but when you toss in the thyroid issue, nothing is certain.
Fortunately, this morning I've stumbled across some inspirational stories. I'm on this journey for my health, not for weight loss. I need to show myself that I am worth it, and I can do it. I forced myself to the gym, despite my late start. I had to cut my workout short, but I made it to work with 1 minute to spare. I'm off to a good start with my water, and I ate my morning oatmeal with yogurt and fruit. Now I breathe for a bit before my next meeting, and stay on track for my next meal. One at a time.
Friday, August 02, 2013
I did it!
Yesterday was the last day of my detox diet. I am so excited to be eating more normal food again (though I really don't want any vegetables, lol). My plan includes lots of whole grains, lean proteins, fresh fruits and veggies, and low fat dairy. For breakfast I had "breakfast oatmeal", oatmeal with plan greek yogurt and raspberries. Lunch included quinoa. I went to the gym this morning, I've been three days this week, a huge improvement from once in six months.
My husband keeps asking what my motivation is, what makes this time different from every other time. I don't know. I don't know what is going to happen. But I do know that a few things happened:
* My weight may be causing my infertility.
* Getting healthy means being around for my daughter
* My dad was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, and I'm heavier than he is.
* My weight is at an all time high, by 10 pounds. Just three years ago I had tremendous success and weighed 45 pounds less than I do now.
* I'm exhausted all the time, and don't even try to keep up with my daughter.
* I realized some days all I was having were chai lattes. Not balanced nutrition at all!
They always say in order to succeed you need to make a lifestyle change. And that's what I'm doing. Changing my routines. Focusing on all of me, not just food. This is the end of my first week, so I'm still motivated. I'll have to see how this weekend and next week go. I just need to remember this accomplished feeling I have right now.
I'm still a little sick, which is always an issue. But zinc, albuterol, and sudafed are keeping me going. And lots and lots of water!
Thursday, August 01, 2013
When I woke up this morning I had a sore throat and was congested. Panic set in. Everytime I try to reboot my diet and exercise plans I get sick or injured. I can't be sick! I can't get off plan. I barely started. Nothing is a habit yet. What am I going to do???
Today is the last day of the detox. This morning was a yummy almond milk, banana and spinach smoothie with cinnamon and flax seed. My eating habits have changed dramatically. All I have to do is keep going. Sick or not. I'm going to fight with everything I have. I can't be derailed so quickly.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I'm doing it! It's not always easy. There have been some serious mental wars between sticking to the plan and doing what is easy. Especially after a stressful afternoon. So far the plan has won! I only have one more day on this very restrictive diet. I can only imagine how freeing a regular diet will seem on Friday. Had I gone straight to that it would have seemed restrictive. I am looking forward to it. I can do this, I just have to stick with it.
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