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On Losing my Dad

Monday, February 17, 2014

On October 30th, just 3 1/2 months ago my Dad, who had been battling lung cancer, lost his battle.
Since then I have been in such a reflective mood. I wasn't devastatingly sad, like I thought I should be. And even I have found that to be odd.
I remember the morning he died, my Step Mom called and my husband answered the phone.
All he said was Pam, your dad died this morning. And the oddest thing came to me, "well that's done." THAT'S DONE! What does that even mean? I said out loud to my husband, "OK." and that was all. I didn't cry, I just kept saying "I'm OK, I'm OK."
But I'm not sure I have been because I have let myself gain 14 pounds. I have kept all my weight off for years and now I have slipped. I had quit coming to Sparks and I took on a I don't care attitude unfortunately.
So no, I guess I wasn't OK. Although I haven't cried much honestly, my sorrow has been strong and I turned to the comfort I know best and that is food.
I really hate that too.
But I'm ready to stop this, I'm ready to feel good again, I'm ready to sleep through the night again, I'm ready to feel good about me and who I am again. I was losing all those things and it was happening so gradually that I wasn't noticing until now. I don't know exactly what opened my eyes but today they are wide open and I'm ready to put me first again. Death is a sad process for those left behind to come to terms with and we all do it in our own time and own way. So today, I am starting over again. I know my Dad wouldn't want me sad, he's still with me, I know this. And I'm sure he would be proud that I am getting myself back together and am ready to move forward towards better things and a better me.



Love you Daddy 04/05/1938 - 10/30/2013

  
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TRAVELNISTA 2/18/2014 12:42PM

    I am so sorry for your loss! emoticon emoticon

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On Finding Pennies

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Lately I have been questioning a lot of things in my life, just life stuff mainly, am I doing the right thing, should I have done this or that differently, how can I make things better? Yea, just life stuff. And it's got me stressed out.
So I decided, not only do I need to get back to the healthy living life but I need to start exercising again REGULARLY because I know from experience what a major stress buster that is.
So daily, for the past few weeks, I've strapped on my Nike's and away I go. Sunny, rainy, stormy, cloudy, muggy, chilly, hot, I just made no excuses, I just did it.
Most days it's just me and my MP3 player (and of course I'm listening to Hot Chelle Rae, I know you'd think I'd be sick of them by now....NEVER!) bopping along down the road. My pace quickens or slows depending on the song playing, I figure I'm not out to win a race so it's all good cause just as I start getting too relaxed with my walk here comes a faster up tempo song that has me all but jogging down the road. Oh and by the way, I'm usually singing along so I'm sure I'm quite the sight. But who cares? Not me, I'm out to enjoy myself, bust some stress and get healthy.
OK, so to the finding pennies part of my story.
So daily I go for walks around our neighborhood, usually taking the same route but some days I get a wild hair and go a different route. It's a huge neighborhood so" I got options."
So I'm bopping along, my thoughts here there and every where, smiling at this person, dodging the UPS truck, waving at some little kid riding a tricycle on their driveway, just enjoying my walk and then I glance down.
There it is, the PENNY! And of course I stoop down and pick it up with a smile. Now this wouldn't be so strange to me, finding a random penny now and again, except for the fact, this happens every single day I go for a walk. EVERY DAY.
I'm serious, somewhere along my walk I will find a penny, be it in a crack in the road, on the curb, in the middle of the street, (hence dodging the UPS truck) or laying in the grass, there it is.
Each time I pick one up I am reminded to Trust in God, after all, it's right there on the front of the penny. And lately it has got me to thinking. Almost any time I am going through troubles or times of strife, I seem to find pennies. And lots of them. Today I found two, so yea I believe God was giving me his two cents worth. The message I choose to take away is "Trust in me and everything will work out and be just fine."
So, in conclusion, I will continue my daily walks, collecting my random pennies and trusting in the Good Lord above to guide me. "In God I Trust"

  
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LJCANNON 6/11/2013 12:37PM

    emoticon I am so glad that someone else picks up those Random Pennies!! It is odd how often you find them!! I think God IS trying to tell us something.
emoticon Your Neighborhood Walks sound a LOT like Mine!!

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I've Neglected Myself

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I have a feeling this is going to be long.
So it's been forever since I blogged, I'd love to say that I took a long vacation and everything is great and I'm at my goal weight and life is perfect. Well, yea, that's what I'd like to say but I can't.
I can say I have worked hard at not gaining the weight back. I'm careful about what I eat and walk on a semi regular basis, which needs to become very regular again. I'm working on that.
I've let life get in the way. From friends wrecking havoc on our lives and totally being taken advantage of, to my Mom having Alzheimer's, a new Grand Baby and so much more that if I went into it all I'd be hear a month typing this out.
I'll just say there have been many stresses and although I survived each one, I lost a bit of the person I had become. And that makes me mad at myself.
I feel like I am being pulled 50 different directions at one time. This person needs this from me and that person wants me to do that and I'm supposed to do what for who?
I need to get back to me first and foremost. I need to start saying no again. I need to stop worrying about others and what they need from me first and become my own number one again. But that makes me feel selfish.
So, I have come to the conclusion, after much inner searching, selfish is OK. It has to be.
I never want to be the person I was but if I stay on the path I am now, it could happen.
So hear's to me and my healthy future, here's to taking charge and moving forward yet again. I said it in previous blogs, I have no set time limit on when I will get to my goal weight, but I will.

  
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LJCANNON 10/14/2012 11:01PM

    emoticon Sometimes being "Selfish" is the Best thing you can do for your Family. If you don't take care of YOU, you won't be ABLE to take care of your loved ones.
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TRAVELNISTA 10/14/2012 4:53PM

    I will be right there with you. I have been MIA because my head has not been in it. My job is killing me. Time to take back control and will be taking baby steps to get there. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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How I REALLY feel

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

People look at my pictures and comment on how well I have done. They say "You are beautiful", "You look like a different person", "Wow, you must feel so much better."
While each of these statements are great and they give me a rush when I read them I have to admit. I don't feel beautiful. I don't think I look any different. And yes, my health is better but I still feel dumpy and awkward. I don't know how to get myself out of this mindset. I try so hard to convince myself I am all of those things but it doesn't work. I look in the mirror and don't see the changes everyone else does. I can see it when I put pictures of myself next to each other but to see myself face to face in a mirror, that same feeling of self loathing is still there.
I know I have done well, with losing 106 pounds so far. I have gone down many sizes in my clothes and that's a great feeling. I have another 40 to 60 pounds to lose still yet and it seems like it's so out of my reach at this point. I exercise, I measure, I weigh, I eat healthy and the pounds slowly come off. And I feel no different.
Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever get past this feeling that what I am doing is not good enough? This eats at me every single day. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt I will get down to the weight I need to be to be healthy again. It may take me a long time to accomplish this but it will happen because I refuse to give up on me.
Maybe this is just a funk I am in but if so, it's been going on for a very long time. I hate it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AVRENIM1 7/27/2011 4:41PM

    No matter how hard I try or what I do I am never 100% satisfied with myself. People can tell me I am beautiful and I wonder what they see. I'm told I am loved and I wonder, WHY? I've come to the realization that I am a perfectionist. I am hard on myself even though I am forgiving of others. After thorough self examination it all goes back to my upbringing. My father was in the military and my mother's nickname is Ms Negative. That explains everything for me. Hope you find the reason for being so hard on yourself. With much Love, Avrenim1
PS..Don't get me wrong, I love both my parents dearly emoticon emoticon

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BE-THE-CHANGE 7/15/2011 10:41PM

    It definitely takes a while for the brain's image of ourselves to catch up with the real one.

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TBOURLON 7/14/2011 10:02AM

    OMG, you've lost 106 lbs??? That's FANTASTIC! emoticon

I think it's because the change has happened so slowly, you see yourself each and every day. I think you need some "before" and "after" pics to get a really good assessment. My hubby has lost between 20-25 lbs, and needs to lose about 50 more, but seems to have "plateaued." Those plateaus are hard to deal with. And right now my weight is inching back up again, we BOTH need to get back on the better eating plan. I wish Ron could talk to you, I bet you could inspire him to stick with it.

I had to renew my license recently, and I'm about 20 lbs lighter than when that older pic was taken. I couldn't believe how different I looked, I seriously thought something was wrong. But I really do look different, and so do YOU! emoticon

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LUCKYME2G 7/13/2011 7:24PM

    I can totally relate to this. I've lost 60 pounds and I've got 40 to go. I have days where I still feel like the old me or think to myself "you will never change". It's a hard thing to explain, and I wish I knew how long it takes to get used to the new life. I think it's a gradual change - at least that is what I am telling myself!

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LJCANNON 7/13/2011 6:44PM

    It definitely takes awhile for your Brain to catch up with your Body. Keep looking at those pictures, and change how you speak to yourself. Daily affirmations are good advice, but the first step is to change how you speak to yourself--even in your thoughts!
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BOBF15 7/13/2011 6:05PM

    It is very likely brain related, the subconscious mind manages about 5/6 of our mental activity, it is the primary area responsible for 'self talk' the inner dialogue that goes on inside of us all the time. Yes, even while sleeping for it is the subconscious mind that dreams.

Amputees report having sensation from a limb that is gone, they report feeling a need to itch a leg that is gone. So obviously it is not an accurate message, it is all in the mind, that is not to say it is phony, for it is not phony, it is real, just that it is the way we are wired.

Affirmations are a part of this, I have two books on this, and am working on this as well, I will keep you posted on this. Can share the books and information with you later if interested.

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CAROLYN_ROSE 7/13/2011 3:44PM

    I know EXACTLTY how you feel. People ask me all the time if I feel different. I lie and say yes, because I know they would think I'm crazy for thinking not really. My trainer told me it' might take years for my brain to finally catch up to how my body looks. I hope it doesn't take that long!!

Maybe you need to start giving yourself daily affirmations and that will help you see how you truly look now!

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LIVEONLOVE 7/13/2011 3:28PM

    I have a family member who had surgery to lose over 100 lbs. For a long time after she was smaller, she still felt like she looked the same. As you transform your body, you have to transform your thoughts and opinions about yourself - The advice she gave me! You really do look great and I'm SO inspired by you! Best of luck in all you do emoticon

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UTMIZ_2000 7/13/2011 3:27PM

    I think you are doing great. What an accomplishment. I think you need to start doing some positive self-talk. Even if you have to write the things down on a card that others are saying to you so you can read them back to yourself, it's important to begin telling yourself over and over what your accomplishments are. It may take a little time, but I'm sure you will begin to notice a difference.



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"How have you lost so much weight?"

Sunday, July 10, 2011


I am asked time and time again, "How have you lost so much weight?" My answer is pretty simple. I wanted to regain my health. I put a plan in place. And I live that plan daily.
YOU CAN do this too. I promise you, you can.
Is it easy? NO!
Will you want to give up? YES!
Is all the hard work worth it? YOU BET!
The main thing is, you have to want this more then anything you have ever wanted. You have to be in a place in your life where you say, enough is enough and then put into place the plan and strategy to achieve whatever goals it is you set for yourself. YOU have to make YOU the priority. If you are willing to do that, then you are ready to lose weight. If not, you need to examine the reasons you aren't quite ready and then work on preparing and readying yourself for the process.
It took me years to get to the place in my life when I finally said I HAVE to do this for me.
I started small. I couldn't walk far without huffing and puffing and hurting beyond belief, But I kept at it every single day. I walked 500 feet and back. Then a block, then two blocks, then three blocks. I worked up to a mile, did only that for a while. Once I was comfortable with that I did more and more and I can honestly say the furthest I have walked now at one time is 14 miles. YES! I walked 14 miles and I survived!!! LOL I was the Queen Couch Potato and you wouldn't believe the feeling of elation I felt that day. I kept saying "I DID THIS!" over and over again. I had amazed and awed myself and it's the best feeling in the world.
So start small and work up, you aren't out to win a marathon, you are out to win your life back and that's going to take time.
My eating program, or lack there of is just this. Eat whatever you want. YEP, whatever you want. Don't deprive yourself. You just need to eat in moderation. That means investing in measuring cups, spoons, a kitchen scale that weighs in oz. lbs and grams. Measure and weigh everything you eat. Read package labels and follow the serving size, it is on there for a reason. At first it will seem like you are trying to starve yourself....YOU WON'T. I promise.
Also use the food tracker here on Sparks or a journal. Add in everything you eat each day, no cheating. If you eat cake add it in, but make sure you have allowed for it by eating a small low cal breakfast that day. You can eat anything but you have to counter balance it by watching the caloric intake of previous or following meals. Doing it this way, you will have people constantly saying "I thought you were on a diet" which to me is so very annoying because I don't recall ever asking the "FOOD POLICE" to critique everything that I place in my mouth. Just explain you aren't on a diet that you have changed your eating habits and you have chosen to eat whatever you choose in moderation. It won't stop them from rolling their eyes and ASSUMING you won't succeed. Let them think what they want and you be in charge of you and don't worry about them. So that's my plan and how I have lost 106 lbs to date so far.
Have I stumbled along the way? Sure I have. Do I beat myself up over it? Yea, just enough to get my hind end back in gear with a here I go again and a I hope you learned from this. Which I always do.
I will be the first to admit I hate the measuring and weighing and the discipline it takes to live this way. But you know what I hate more? Being over three hundred pounds. Not being able to breath properly. Making excuses as to why I don't want to go somewhere or join in fun things that others are doing. Wondering if I'm going to fit in a chair or be able to buckle a seat belt. So that's why I do the things I do now to live a healthy life style.
You too need to find your incentive and make it happen. You are the only person who can fix the damage of over eating you have done to yourself. You can if, YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF YOU.

  
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OKIEGIRL75 9/14/2011 4:31PM

    Came across your blog today and wanted to say how right you are. Congrats on your weightloss thus far and thanks for being an inspiration.

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2KITTIES 7/10/2011 6:42PM

    So true! I appreciate this thought process the more I progress. It's not a secret! It's a promise to yourself to be better for you! The alternative is no longer acceptable.

Congrats on all you success; I know you will continue to succeed in your journey!

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LJCANNON 7/10/2011 6:10PM

    emoticonThank You for sharing this!! There is no 'Magic Pill' but you have found the path to Success!!!

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BE-THE-CHANGE 7/10/2011 5:46PM

    emoticon

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BOBF15 7/10/2011 4:47PM

    Pam, so great you gave us an inner look at how one of the Spark Hall of Famers did it.

I don't think there is one, 'exact' way of winning.

I have studied success psychology for years, in the areas of business, sports, military victories, and the one thing I see is there are certain key elements for the most part, but there are a lot of variables and differences. Some or most of the key fundamental principles must be in place, but then there are many ways to play the game.

The fundamentals must be there, but the strategies can differ some.

Thank you for sharing this, it is so, so helpful to me and others that try to work on this inner game of diet and weight loss.

As Yoge Berra, ( who was famous for his "Yogisms") would say, "Half of the game is all mental."

emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/10/2011 4:47:42 PM

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TRAVELNISTA 7/10/2011 4:10PM

    emoticon advice! You look simply M A R V E L O U S !

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DOLLIE6 7/10/2011 4:02PM

    I could not have said it better myself. You are right on.
Congratulation on your great victory so far. I know the rest of the journey will be such a high. Thanks for sharing.

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ANFORREST 7/10/2011 4:00PM

    Awesome!! Keep up the amazing work!

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