Monday, February 17, 2014
On October 30th, just 3 1/2 months ago my Dad, who had been battling lung cancer, lost his battle.
Since then I have been in such a reflective mood. I wasn't devastatingly sad, like I thought I should be. And even I have found that to be odd.
I remember the morning he died, my Step Mom called and my husband answered the phone.
All he said was Pam, your dad died this morning. And the oddest thing came to me, "well that's done." THAT'S DONE! What does that even mean? I said out loud to my husband, "OK." and that was all. I didn't cry, I just kept saying "I'm OK, I'm OK."
But I'm not sure I have been because I have let myself gain 14 pounds. I have kept all my weight off for years and now I have slipped. I had quit coming to Sparks and I took on a I don't care attitude unfortunately.
So no, I guess I wasn't OK. Although I haven't cried much honestly, my sorrow has been strong and I turned to the comfort I know best and that is food.
I really hate that too.
But I'm ready to stop this, I'm ready to feel good again, I'm ready to sleep through the night again, I'm ready to feel good about me and who I am again. I was losing all those things and it was happening so gradually that I wasn't noticing until now. I don't know exactly what opened my eyes but today they are wide open and I'm ready to put me first again. Death is a sad process for those left behind to come to terms with and we all do it in our own time and own way. So today, I am starting over again. I know my Dad wouldn't want me sad, he's still with me, I know this. And I'm sure he would be proud that I am getting myself back together and am ready to move forward towards better things and a better me.
Love you Daddy 04/05/1938 - 10/30/2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Lately I have been questioning a lot of things in my life, just life stuff mainly, am I doing the right thing, should I have done this or that differently, how can I make things better? Yea, just life stuff. And it's got me stressed out.
So I decided, not only do I need to get back to the healthy living life but I need to start exercising again REGULARLY because I know from experience what a major stress buster that is.
So daily, for the past few weeks, I've strapped on my Nike's and away I go. Sunny, rainy, stormy, cloudy, muggy, chilly, hot, I just made no excuses, I just did it.
Most days it's just me and my MP3 player (and of course I'm listening to Hot Chelle Rae, I know you'd think I'd be sick of them by now....NEVER!) bopping along down the road. My pace quickens or slows depending on the song playing, I figure I'm not out to win a race so it's all good cause just as I start getting too relaxed with my walk here comes a faster up tempo song that has me all but jogging down the road. Oh and by the way, I'm usually singing along so I'm sure I'm quite the sight. But who cares? Not me, I'm out to enjoy myself, bust some stress and get healthy.
OK, so to the finding pennies part of my story.
So daily I go for walks around our neighborhood, usually taking the same route but some days I get a wild hair and go a different route. It's a huge neighborhood so" I got options."
So I'm bopping along, my thoughts here there and every where, smiling at this person, dodging the UPS truck, waving at some little kid riding a tricycle on their driveway, just enjoying my walk and then I glance down.
There it is, the PENNY! And of course I stoop down and pick it up with a smile. Now this wouldn't be so strange to me, finding a random penny now and again, except for the fact, this happens every single day I go for a walk. EVERY DAY.
I'm serious, somewhere along my walk I will find a penny, be it in a crack in the road, on the curb, in the middle of the street, (hence dodging the UPS truck) or laying in the grass, there it is.
Each time I pick one up I am reminded to Trust in God, after all, it's right there on the front of the penny. And lately it has got me to thinking. Almost any time I am going through troubles or times of strife, I seem to find pennies. And lots of them. Today I found two, so yea I believe God was giving me his two cents worth. The message I choose to take away is "Trust in me and everything will work out and be just fine."
So, in conclusion, I will continue my daily walks, collecting my random pennies and trusting in the Good Lord above to guide me. "In God I Trust"
Sunday, October 14, 2012
I have a feeling this is going to be long.
So it's been forever since I blogged, I'd love to say that I took a long vacation and everything is great and I'm at my goal weight and life is perfect. Well, yea, that's what I'd like to say but I can't.
I can say I have worked hard at not gaining the weight back. I'm careful about what I eat and walk on a semi regular basis, which needs to become very regular again. I'm working on that.
I've let life get in the way. From friends wrecking havoc on our lives and totally being taken advantage of, to my Mom having Alzheimer's, a new Grand Baby and so much more that if I went into it all I'd be hear a month typing this out.
I'll just say there have been many stresses and although I survived each one, I lost a bit of the person I had become. And that makes me mad at myself.
I feel like I am being pulled 50 different directions at one time. This person needs this from me and that person wants me to do that and I'm supposed to do what for who?
I need to get back to me first and foremost. I need to start saying no again. I need to stop worrying about others and what they need from me first and become my own number one again. But that makes me feel selfish.
So, I have come to the conclusion, after much inner searching, selfish is OK. It has to be.
I never want to be the person I was but if I stay on the path I am now, it could happen.
So hear's to me and my healthy future, here's to taking charge and moving forward yet again. I said it in previous blogs, I have no set time limit on when I will get to my goal weight, but I will.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
People look at my pictures and comment on how well I have done. They say "You are beautiful", "You look like a different person", "Wow, you must feel so much better."
While each of these statements are great and they give me a rush when I read them I have to admit. I don't feel beautiful. I don't think I look any different. And yes, my health is better but I still feel dumpy and awkward. I don't know how to get myself out of this mindset. I try so hard to convince myself I am all of those things but it doesn't work. I look in the mirror and don't see the changes everyone else does. I can see it when I put pictures of myself next to each other but to see myself face to face in a mirror, that same feeling of self loathing is still there.
I know I have done well, with losing 106 pounds so far. I have gone down many sizes in my clothes and that's a great feeling. I have another 40 to 60 pounds to lose still yet and it seems like it's so out of my reach at this point. I exercise, I measure, I weigh, I eat healthy and the pounds slowly come off. And I feel no different.
Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever get past this feeling that what I am doing is not good enough? This eats at me every single day. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt I will get down to the weight I need to be to be healthy again. It may take me a long time to accomplish this but it will happen because I refuse to give up on me.
Maybe this is just a funk I am in but if so, it's been going on for a very long time. I hate it.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I am asked time and time again, "How have you lost so much weight?" My answer is pretty simple. I wanted to regain my health. I put a plan in place. And I live that plan daily.
YOU CAN do this too. I promise you, you can.
Is it easy? NO!
Will you want to give up? YES!
Is all the hard work worth it? YOU BET!
The main thing is, you have to want this more then anything you have ever wanted. You have to be in a place in your life where you say, enough is enough and then put into place the plan and strategy to achieve whatever goals it is you set for yourself. YOU have to make YOU the priority. If you are willing to do that, then you are ready to lose weight. If not, you need to examine the reasons you aren't quite ready and then work on preparing and readying yourself for the process.
It took me years to get to the place in my life when I finally said I HAVE to do this for me.
I started small. I couldn't walk far without huffing and puffing and hurting beyond belief, But I kept at it every single day. I walked 500 feet and back. Then a block, then two blocks, then three blocks. I worked up to a mile, did only that for a while. Once I was comfortable with that I did more and more and I can honestly say the furthest I have walked now at one time is 14 miles. YES! I walked 14 miles and I survived!!! LOL I was the Queen Couch Potato and you wouldn't believe the feeling of elation I felt that day. I kept saying "I DID THIS!" over and over again. I had amazed and awed myself and it's the best feeling in the world.
So start small and work up, you aren't out to win a marathon, you are out to win your life back and that's going to take time.
My eating program, or lack there of is just this. Eat whatever you want. YEP, whatever you want. Don't deprive yourself. You just need to eat in moderation. That means investing in measuring cups, spoons, a kitchen scale that weighs in oz. lbs and grams. Measure and weigh everything you eat. Read package labels and follow the serving size, it is on there for a reason. At first it will seem like you are trying to starve yourself....YOU WON'T. I promise.
Also use the food tracker here on Sparks or a journal. Add in everything you eat each day, no cheating. If you eat cake add it in, but make sure you have allowed for it by eating a small low cal breakfast that day. You can eat anything but you have to counter balance it by watching the caloric intake of previous or following meals. Doing it this way, you will have people constantly saying "I thought you were on a diet" which to me is so very annoying because I don't recall ever asking the "FOOD POLICE" to critique everything that I place in my mouth. Just explain you aren't on a diet that you have changed your eating habits and you have chosen to eat whatever you choose in moderation. It won't stop them from rolling their eyes and ASSUMING you won't succeed. Let them think what they want and you be in charge of you and don't worry about them. So that's my plan and how I have lost 106 lbs to date so far.
Have I stumbled along the way? Sure I have. Do I beat myself up over it? Yea, just enough to get my hind end back in gear with a here I go again and a I hope you learned from this. Which I always do.
I will be the first to admit I hate the measuring and weighing and the discipline it takes to live this way. But you know what I hate more? Being over three hundred pounds. Not being able to breath properly. Making excuses as to why I don't want to go somewhere or join in fun things that others are doing. Wondering if I'm going to fit in a chair or be able to buckle a seat belt. So that's why I do the things I do now to live a healthy life style.
You too need to find your incentive and make it happen. You are the only person who can fix the damage of over eating you have done to yourself. You can if, YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF YOU.
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