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Freaking out less trusting God more

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Every day is always a learning experiance. I am learning to trust God more and more. I don't think before this week, I would have thought I needed growth in this area. But I am kinda a worrier. And I have to say this pregnancy has really brought that side out of me. It is easy to trust God when you have some control or a sense of control. But weather I miscarry of not is basicly all up to God. Worring about it, or not worring about it, makes no difference, except, I am unpleasent to be around. :). I called my sister last night, and just told her, that I was going for my ultrasound on Thursday, and that I really needed her prayer. I had a couple sessions, of severe nausea followed by sheer panic attacks.. irocic that a symptom of my pregnacy would trigger panic about loosing it. I have to say, I am a little obsessed with the tenderness of my breasts. LOL I know CRAZY! But they just sometimes seem to not be as tender as I think they should. I remember reading a pregnancy book during my first pregnancy which they remarked breasts should be VERY tender. The things that stay in your head. But I still suffer from guilt beacuse in my frist pregnancy, I had been gradually noticing that, I was just feeling so much better. I was just so glad, that it felt terrible to know that was one of the first signs of miscarriage. I totaly missed it. I could just obsess over that. I have been a little but I am working on it. I am truly just saying, God's will. If I loose this baby it will be for a reason. Now I also know that I can get pregnant. That doctor, who said it would never happen again was wrong and insensative. In that light, I do have to say, I am still more scared than excited. But I think I am just more accepting of the fact I am pregnant. Last time, I was in such a state of dibelief, that by the time, I convinced myself, I was pregnant, I wasn't any more. I am surprised, but I feel I have a better perspective. My home is more settled than it was the first time. I have some baby things from my days teaching, and when I did some childcare. I feel I am more in touch with what a baby actually needs, rather than what most women want. I was looking at one of my good friends baby registry. I saw she had too big no nos on her registry, she had vaseline, and she had a walker. I didn't even think they made walkers anymore beacuse they are so unsafe. I would definatly go for an exercauser. They still get the practice standing, and moving themselves around. But you don't have to worry about them, rolling themselves down stairs, and crashing into things, and sending things crashing down on themselves! Or pulling things down on top of them. Plus if you need to go to the bathroom, etc, you can leave them alone for a minute or two. Vaseline, I hate, I learned about the danger of it, in my first childcare class. First if you know what it actually is, you would not put it on your baby's body! You wouldn't pour motor oil on your baby would you. Certain area of babys skin especially is absorbant into to the bloodstream. So it almost the same as eating it. Yum. Oh well, I was better able to eat today. I worked really hard yesterday, drinking more water, and that has helped imensly! Plus I don't have that horrifying dry mouth! My lips are still pretty dry. Maybe by tomorrow, they will be plumped back up. I wasn't able to eat all I really should yesterday. But I did my best to get lots of extra rest. I ended up when it came down to it, decided to not go to class last night. I wanted the exercise, but realized, with the calorie intake I had yesterday, that, it would have probably been to much. I am hoping today will be diffrent. I am doing my best to just trust God, that everything will be okay. I have to remember that many people miscarry, and go on to have healthy children. Just beacuse I had issues before, doesn't mean there will be any issue this time. I have to remember, to to ask the doctore, how much exercise, he recomends me getting. I have to say, I am not going to be able to wear my new swimsuit. ALl my new things, won't be fitting. Bummer. But it explaines why I had been noticing, that my jeans, I had been wearing for a couple of months, were tight around my belly. I was about 10- to almost 15 pounds less now, than when I was wearing them before. And according to the scale, I had notgained anything of note. I did notice that after a salty meal, I gained more water weight than I would normaly. Oh well, I am glad I had saved some of my larger pants. See there are blessing everywhere!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYEYRE 11/17/2011 9:21AM

    Whatever happens, happens. And know that it is never your fault if you miscarry. Trust in your body and your doctors to work out what is best for you. Prayers and love being sent your way! emoticon

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PARKERB2 11/16/2011 1:19PM

    Hope all goes well for you.

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Its all catching up to me today.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

It is funny how, you can choose just not to see things, or be too busy to seem them. So yesterday, I went to the clinic, to verify my pregnacy. It went much better than I was expecting. I of course had a positive pregnancy test, and according to them, I am about 8 weeks pregnant. So surprised. I also signed up for Badger Care Plus, so I can get my first real appointment. Plus I have all the info, to sign up for wic. I am waiting to do this, until after my dr appointment. Which I now have on Thursday. Which is such a Blessing, that someone could get me in this week, and that I can do it with my husband. Since I have a temporary Badger care card, I will be able to go right away, to who ever I like. I chose a Women's specialty clinic, that has all the bells and whistles, including that it is a Christian based orginazation! They even have a website, that I can access, my tests, etc on it. Plus, they have a moms forum, and their own wedsite with baby names. I will have my first ultrasound on thursday, and John will be able to be there. I also wrote down a list of symptoms, so I can talk to the doctor about them. I think my husband also needs to realize all that I am going through. I can't be critical since, until I wrote them all down, I didn't realize it myself. So okay here goes, here is my list of complaints... Nausea, Loss of apetite, Dry mouth, gas and bloating, fatigue, legs crampy, achy, emotional, cry at movies etc, and hairloss. I don't think I even need to mention tender breasts. I do have to say, I am still terrified! I have been praying about it, and that seems to help. I know, I need to just trust God and be content with whatever happens. A pregnancy is not really fitting in with my dieting goals, as excited as I could be, I had certainly hoped that I would be thinner, when I got pregnant. However, I can't complain, beacuse I never thought I would be pregnant again. If I am 8 weeks, then I am farther along than I was last time. I could be less of course... but I hope I am 8 weeks, beacuse then I only have a short time, left on my first trimeaster. And after that I will be able to relax more. God is so good, but I have to say, it is all catching up to me. I am tired, I am going to walk down tot he YMCA tonight and do a deep water aerobics class. No more doing two or three. I am having too hard of time, getting all my calories in. Nothing apeals to me , I try to eat but nothing tastes good. Last night, I had green beans and brown rice, and salmon, and surprisingly the salmon was the only thing, I could really eat. I think it helped that I made it in the steamer, so it had no odor! Oh well will have to remember this, later on. For a month of too I have been having a hard time, getting protein. Oh well, i will talk to the doc about it too, maybe he will have a sugestion. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 11/16/2011 10:29AM

    Congratulations! emoticon What a blessing!

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unexpected..... really unexpected

Monday, November 14, 2011

I am not talking about this yet, but really felt I had to blog about this. I had been not feeling that great, more than just my cold. I had been tired really tired, and had been having leg cramps, and bloating, and my hair started falling out. I attributed this all to not getting enough protein, and an possible prementral symptoms. So I looked up hairloss online, and it said, most comman reason for hairloss is pregnancy. Now I had had kinda a thought at the back of my mind that there was a small possibility, or this. The month before, I had takena test, as a precation before starting a new medication. Now when I took the test some urine splashed on the little window, so I had no results, but not really worried about it, I didn't take the other test. But I had another test, so after the hairloss thing, I thought, humm I better take one again. So I did, and it was positive right away. So I called my husband. He was dumbfounded. I told him, this does not mean we are having a baby. It just means that an egg has been fertiliazed. So Sunday, I stayed home from church. I had a little bit of a cold, and didn't want it to spread. When John came home, we had a little lunch and stoped at the store and bought, a twin pack of pregnancy tests. I took the first one, and it was positive almost immediatly. But then, I worried, beacuse, I did it with the cup, (after the splash, I thought it would be safer) and I had dipped it longer than the 5 seconds, so I was afraid that it was invalid. The instructions, say may not be valid if you dip it longer or shorter. Therefore I repeated the test after, drinking some more water. This time, I only dipped it in the urine for five seconds, and it too showed a positive result right away. So now I know, I really am pregnant. However, I do not know, if I will be having a baby. Two years ago, my husband and I were surprised by a pregnancy, right after Christmas, we did five home tests, went to our doctors office. Were we had a faint positive. So all they told me to do, was to schedule an appointment with an obgyn. Which was frustrating, beacuse we did not have a doc at that time. So it was a hassle. So I made an appointment for several weeks ahead. Then I had a terriable flu, and was reading, my pregnancy book, and I realized, that the bleeding I had been having, was a miscarriage. It was really tough. I ended up having, blood test after blood test, my hormone levels would not go down. I had to schedule a follow up appointment with an OBGYN, and the guy basicly treated me like he had no Idea why I was there. Like I was bothering him! I told him, the nurses were hounding me, and told me it was very important to have this appointment. The Doctor also told me, that I probally would never get pregnant again. Beacuse I have polycycstic ovaries. Which obviously is wrong, beacuse, here I am two years later pregnant again. However, this time, I do not have insurance, so I am terrified. The low cost clinic, I had been going to told me, I could come for a urine test, but, that they do not treat pregnant women. They siad they could help me, fill out paper work to get babger care, but unfortunatly that sounds like a long process. According to my reasearch online, that I should probaly be taking hormones to ensure, I don't miscarry. But that many women, who are morbidly obese, will have miscarriages, or children with birth defects. SO needless to say, I am terrified. I have been dieting, and exercising, and had hoped that in the next couple years, maybe, maybe, I would get pregnant again. I actually was waiting for my period to start so, I could go on the pill, to help my hormones, get healthy, so I could in the future get pregnant. Part of me, says Praise God, my prayers could be answered. Another part of me says, I have worked hard, to get my health, and begin, my weightloss. I could be setting my husband and myself up, to heartbreak! We could loose this pregnancy, anytime, we could have a baby born with birth defects... etc. I have several family memebers, who have PCOS and are morbidly obese, and have had several healthy children..... but I can't talk to them about, it beacuse it is entirely too early to tell anyone about it. I guess the best thing, I can do, is take the rine test at the clinic, and get some idea, what I will need to see a doctor.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMFAN 11/18/2011 12:29AM

    Trust God! He has a plan! Congratulations!

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DEBADEAU 11/14/2011 8:48PM

    Good luck! Everything will work out the way God intends. :)

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TALLELLIE 11/14/2011 8:47PM

    Your post makes me think of something related, although not quite the same: Some say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all because you know how wonderful it is to have ever felt love and sometimes you end up lucky and find true love. I can't say if it's true or not because I can see all sides. But I hope somehow it helps you figure things out.
Hope you feel better really soon!

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MAWMAWTAMERA 11/14/2011 2:34PM

  Praying for the Lord's design in all of this to become clear, so as to relieve your stress - which in itself is not good for you or your baby. Beathe in, breathe out and go ahead and be happy at your really unexpected news!! ((hugs))

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TXMEMAW6 11/14/2011 2:13PM

    I'll be praying God's blessings on you.

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TAZZYM150 11/14/2011 12:03PM

    Good Luck and if you need someone to talk to I am here.

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RAINYFRIDAY 11/14/2011 12:01PM

    Sending healthy vibes your way. Stay well ((hugs))

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Tough night

Friday, November 11, 2011

Yesterday, my husband and I had such high hopes for all we were going to get done. We wanted, to play 30 mintues each on the WII, make lunch, then an hour long water aerobics class, then we ran home, got our dogs, and brought them to the vets office for their vacinations, then I fixed dinner early, so John could make it to his Evangalism team meeting, which then he was going to rush home, and make it to another water aerobics class. Oh and we delusional enough to think that we were going to have enough time, to get some strength training done. LOL that was a laugh, I got in 20 minutes of Wii becuse John did an hour, he also decided to check his email, when I handed him, the computer, beacuse I wanted him to see, I have been consistantly low on protein. So I had to take extra time tracking my food, and exercise. I have to say, I was thrilled he was taking time, to take some time, to see what I had been doing. I was crushed to find out he was so insensitive to our schedule, and my time, to be reading his email! So then we went to class stc, vets appointment, etc. SO I rushed to make dinner so we ate dinner at like, 5:00, and then John goes to his meeting, which he said he was going to be gone less than an hour.. which I knew was wrong.. I knew it would be at least an hour. I warned him, that he might need to leave a little early, for us to get to class on time. So about 6:55 I, packed the kittens away into their room, got the dogs ready, to be penned up,. Then I put on my still damp swim suit, and got dressed, and waited.... and waited. I noticed his phone on the kitchen table, so then, I just started worring. S0 8:30 he comes in the door. And grabs a snack, he came into the living room, and says is something wrong? I just couldn't say anything. Beacuse, I had sat around in a wet swimsuit, waiting for him to get here. I believed that he would be here so we could go. I was starting to imagine the worst. I was thinking it is wet and slippery out... our car has some issues. But so I asked him why he didn't leave early, so we could go, He said oh, I didn't know what time it is. I said, well you could have called me, he said I didn't have my phone. I reminded him, that they do have clocks and phones at the church. Oh well, we talked for a while (NOt argued) but then I realized that it had gotten by far later than my bed time. So I wnet to get ready for bed, and John came up to get in bed, but with out walking the dogs, or letting them out. So they were restless, plus they had thier shots yesterday, so they are a little uncomfortable anyway. Well both of the dogs were up and wandering around all night last night. Minnie didn't want to go to bed. She is the one who usually sleeps by my feet. So I had a dream, while I was half asleep half awake, that there were rats of something scurring around the house,,, beacuse I heard little dog feet on hardwood. So I was talking in my sleep, trying to tell John, that there were critters,a nd that is why the dogs were restless. WHich then I woke myself up, So I tried to go back to sleep, but, I was caughing, and sneezing. Then I couldn't open my coughdrop, the wrapper was too tight, I couldn't undo it. Then I went back to sleep, and Minnie was trying to get under my blankets and decided to sleep on my pillow. So I moved her down, under the covers, and so then I was sleeping in the middle of the bed, then I had a dream the house was on fire, and I really thought I smelled fire. SO I woke up, John! Which I then realized, that the house was indeed not on fire, and that my nose was so stuffed up, that if it had been, I probaly would not be able to smell smoke. So I finaly went back to bed, and got a little sleep. Then for some reason, when John's alarm went off he did not get up. So we both got up, when my alarm went off, and tried to start our morning at the same time. UGH. SO I am tired today, and am bummed that I missed my little extra exercise this week. But I have it all figured out, and we be able to burn all my calories today, but am still missing my extra. I am really excited, beacuse I have my food figured out, with the right amount of fiber, and getting my minimum of protein today. I have noticed my hair falling out, for the last couple of days. I am not sure, if it is beacuse of weeks of low proetien or just the change of season. In the past I have had that issue, but in the last two years, it had not been a problem.. Oh well. I know I gotta work on it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TXMEMAW6 11/11/2011 11:09PM

    Whew! Makes me tired just reading about your day & night. I know you are glad that it is finally over. Good luck getting in your exercise and keep up the good work.

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SEWINGMAMACDS 11/11/2011 6:14PM

    Rough day/night. It is over. I am glad to see that you are focusing on what's ahead not what's behind. Continue to stay focused and have a great weekend!

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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Finally John and I sat down, and made some goals for the next month. I kinda set his up, and he kinda set mine up. I know that could be bad... but it was good. John has been exercising with me, but he never counts his calories... and still has some bad habits. So I challenged him, to loose wight this month. He decided it would be 10 pounds. and that he would use the Wii atleast a half an hour a day. We only have fitness games. I think this will be good for him. Beacuse it keeps track of your daily progress! Plus, he needs to get in his three water aerobics a week. I have already done two this week, and will be doing two more today. Plus we need to stregth train twice a week. We have been very lax about getting that in. I haven't done too much except in my conditioning class, and with the three pound weight. So I need to do more. I am always concerned that I might be loosing muscle. I am still strugling with not getting enough protein. But that is something I gotta do! I think I am going to go to the healthfood store, and find a soyless protein powder. I have to do something. I can't eat enough fish and egg whites to do it. If I eat my Kashi go Lean crunch cereal too often, than I get too much fiber... which is not good. I made the mistake of having three cups of popcorn as a snack... I had the calories, but did not think to check, the daily report about the fiber. And needless to say, I will be aware of that from now on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 11/10/2011 12:31PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JOJOBEE318 11/10/2011 11:55AM

    Good for you!

I need to rework my program, but I'm waiting until after I go see the doctor. Right now my energy and appetite are wonky, so I'm basing my activity and eating on that.

I set my nutrition tracker to show how much fiber, calcium and iron I get, in addition to calories, carbs, fat and protein. I have the opposite problem that you do - I don't usually get enough fiber.

Small steps - even as we go. Life is not going to make things easy for us, so we have to roll with the punches.

emoticon emoticon

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