Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement on the loss of my grandmother.
I know the pain and sorrow of losing my grandmother will take time to heal. Some moments I am doing wonderful, feeling like I could handle anything and even nearly euphoric... and then just moments later something can trigger the tearflow and it feels like I will never be happy again. I reckon the fluctuations of my emotions are normal right now... at least I hope so... then again, I don't care. As someone told me, they are my emotions to feel and when I am ready, I can be happy. :) thank you.
My husband is trying to develop plans to help the happiness for me... as well as for my whole family. He's cooking up plans for a Floridian vacation. I love Florida... lived there for a bit as a child, visited many times since then, but it has been 14 years since my last visit and I am soooo ready. My youngest has never seen the ocean in real life... and she's 11!! So I really hope we can make this happen.
Not only will it be a much needed vacation, it will be wonderful incentive to get my rear in gear! Get Fit for Florida! :) So if I'm going to temporarily change my latitiude :)... I will have to permanently change my attitude! And it can start today (I'm having one of my euphoric moments!) I am so very psyched about this!!!
March 1st (one week from tomorrow) I will be going to see Jimmy Buffett in concert. I am psyched about this, too! Gosh... how can I explain... I know Mamaw would want me to be happy and healthy... and I know I need a new attitude about my weight and health... so NOW is the time. HOW, you wonder, does JB fit into that??? It's the music ... living life free of worry, chillin' out, being happy, basking in the sunshine with a smile and flip flops. :) well... for me that sounds perfectly wonderful.
The weather here is prodding my new attitude... it has been spring-like and sunny. I've been blasting my JB music, I've been pouring over tropical pictures... taking them in and dreaming of the day I can visit all those beautiful beaches... paradise.
Ya know what.... I need to celebrate that my grandmother is now in paradise... heaven with those she loves... including our God and our Savior! I am missing her here on earth so very much... but I know that she is loving where she is right now!
I want to embrace life and make memories and be happy, no worries... and it's all in the attitude. ...even when there are bills to pay and there's nothing left over... even when the house is a mess, or I'm still a size 18, or I'm missing my Mamaw so very much!!! I want to be happy... I want that attitude. It's time I grasp it and enjoy this life!
And sparkfriends... if you see me feeling down, posting the blues... remind me to re-read this blog... it makes me feel good!
~~Hula Girl at Heart~~
Monday, February 20, 2012
The last month has been harder for me and my family that it should have been. My grandmother had a bad uti, and was put in the hospital for antibiotics for a few days. Then she was released to go to a nursing home where my mom and aunt had arranged for her to get physical therapy. My grandmother did not move much any more. She liked sitting and watching tv and that was it, she had withdrawn from life... she was a constant fall risk and getting worse, so my mom wanted her to have physical therapy to get her moving again. We all agreed that this would be a very good thing for my grandmother.
One week at the nursing home she fell. I'm not even sure if they had started the physical therapy yet or not... we just don't know. Mamaw told my mom she got up to close her room door at 10:30 and that her knee gave out on her short walk back to bed. She said she knew they would come around at 11:00 to check on her so she wasn't worried... But they never came. Sometime during the night my grandmother pulled a blanket off her bed to cover her on the cold floor. Around 4:30 AM my mother received a call about the fall. Mamaw was taken to the hospital, where it was discovered that not only did she bust her head open bad enough to require several stitches, both her wrists were badly broken, and they both required surgery. That was done on a Monday night. They took her to ICU after the surgery because she could not come off the ventilator yet... she could not breathe on her own until the next day when she finally was able to come off it. She was in ICU for a couple days, then moved to a room... She was unable to use her arms, so she had to be fed and given drink by hand.
My mom would not send her back to the first nursing home (understandably, my mother is convinced that my grandmother laid on the floor for several hours before anyone found her.) so with the help of a social worker we found another good home that would give her physical therapy along with helping her as her wrists healed.
She went to that home on a Wednesday afternoon. She was there about 2 days, during those 2 days they had already let her enjoy a special, fully submerged bath ...twice. It seemed to be the right place... but on late Friday afternoon (Feb 3rd) she had a very massive stroke. She could no longer speak, eat, swallow, or anything at all and she was paralyzed on her full right side. She seemed to not "be there" a lot of the time... but occasionally she would focus her eyes on us and it seemed she knew who we were and that we were there. In addition to all that... she was very hard of hearing. ... this made it even harder because we had been communicating with her by writing on a white board prior to the stroke, after the stroke we could not tell if she could still read.
After several days in ICU, she was moved to a regular room... but she did not improve at all, including finding out she had pneumonia and a severe bladder infection along with everything else... and the question came up of whether or not to put in a feeding tube. I thought it was a no-brainer... of course we will feed her, however possible, but my aunt and mother didn't think that was the best thing to do. After speaking with the doctors... seeing her ct scan and how massive the stroke was, and knowing the slim chance of her recovering to any form of "normal" life... including being able to swallow, let alone feed herself, communicate... etc... they decided that just letting her go instead of artificially keeping her with us would be the best thing for her. on Feb. 9th she was moved to hospice care in the hospital. I struggled with that decision a lot, even though I know she would not have wanted to be kept alive on feeding tubes and IV's the rest of her days.... it is still a painfully hard decision to accept.
Mamaw slowly got worse, but was kept as comfortable and as pain free as possible. I sat with her many, many hours, as did my mother. She left us at 11:00PM Feb. 19th. I was not there, but I got there within minutes and she just looked just the same as before... very peaceful, very restful. I believe she died peacefully in her sleep. She was 85.
Through all this and on a very seemingly unimportant note, I threw in the towel on any dieting... and I'm sure I've gained back the bit I lost in January, although I've not weighed. The stress was so overwhelming that I just ate myself numb. I have been wanting to just stop. Stop everything. Sell all, quit all, move and start over. Everything feels like it's falling apart and is so overwhelming. I can't stop long enough to recover. I know Mamaw is no longer suffering/or in any pain... she is in heaven with her family that went before her and I know that one day I will see her again. And somehow I have got to recover from all the anxiety and stress and helplessness and sorrow I have been feeling.
Until then I have my life to live.... to the fullest, and that includes making sure my health and inactivity do not hinder my days. So it's back to the beginning and I'm trying to get ready to get fit and healthy so that on the day I die they'll be saying... "What in the hell was a 101 year old woman doing on a surfboard anyway?!?!?"
Thursday, January 05, 2012
OK... so I've done ok so far this new year. I've been getting in the water like I should, and exercising daily altho I did miss a day. :/ But still, I'm getting there...
My problem is eating. Later in the evenings, I am just a bottomless pit! Usual scenario: I'll come home from work (lately it's been after 6 or 7 PM) and the first thing I do is shuck the work clothes, usually put on some warmups, then I eat supper. (My daughter has been getting that ready lately.) But then without thinking, I'll get seconds, thirds, cookies, and more. I want to STOP doing that!!! I want to do things differently this year and so far so good except for the eating. I'm doing the same ol' things. My word for the year is control... but lately the food is still controlling me!
Does anyone have any advice on how to thwart this behavior? Take into account that I'm usually very tired, spent, very hungry, and ready for some chill time... how do I do this without all that food? I know it's habit... I also know I'm rambling now... ugh.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
First day of the year,
First day of the month,
First day of the week,
First day of creating a new me.
I did weigh in this morning... and I am at the highest weight I have ever been without being pregnant. :/ But for whatever reason, I did not become upset (I have literally shed tears over weigh-ins that were less). My feeling is that of, OK... that's my starting point, and today is my first day to do something about it.
I reset all my goals and streaks here on sparkpeople.
I am determined to do things differently than before.
I received an exercise bike for Christmas that will live in the living room in front of my big tv, and I will use it.
My husband, daughter, and I have been doing some research about juicing and the benefits of that... it's very encouraging. (Have you seen the movie Fat Sick and Nearly Dead? Read or heard of the Gerson Therapy? Seen the movies The Gerson Miracle or Dying to Have Known? ... very eye opening and encouraging!) Anyhow... now we have a juicer on the way. :) That will be VERY new to us all.
I also plan on actually taking the baby steps to get my new way of life going. My first baby step is to get back to my water habit. Drinking my 8 glasses minimum daily. Don't know why I just let that go.
Second baby step is to get on my exercise bike daily.... even if just for 10 minutes (which is where I'll start).
My New Year's Resolutions:
to take it one day at a time
to be kinder to myself
to approach my goals slowly
to do things differently
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Ok.. I forgot to blog yesterday... I'm sorry.... forgive me? :)
I have my living room all Christmasy now. Our tree is up, decorations are out... it looks pretty good... even if I'm not quite finished, it's really close. My dining room is still decorated for Thanksgiving... but the day after the feast that will change. :)
I really don't have too much to blog about.
I'm not doing well on the challenge. I keep eating too much, moving and drinking water too little, forgetting the vitamins and so forth... it's just sad... especially since I recognize these problems and yet... still allow them to continue. And that's what it is... I'm allowing myself to falter. Ugh... my excuses are that I'm tired, depressed, overwhelmed, and just plain ol' lazy. I'm at work right now... still (it's after 7PM), and I wanna go home so bad, but I have at least an hour's more stuff to do... (why am I blogging now?, I needed a break!!!)
I need some support, encouragement, advice, and empathy. Y'all ever get this way?
Well... back to the work!
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