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Ugh....

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I couldn't think of a more fitting title for this blog. It really sums up my feelings. Ugh.

My lack of motivation has really got me down lately. I do well for a day or two, then it all fizzles so fast and I keep having the "start again tomorrow" thinking. Well, every day this year has basically been "tomorrow." I know I shouldn't wait for that motivational click that I have had before, but I seem to be waiting anyhow.

The last few months have been very hard mentally and physically. I have yo-yoed so much lately that I'm just losing the same 10 lbs over and over again.

In September we learned that my daughter will be having surgery for her scoliosis. This came as quite a hard blow because she has endured the wearing of a brace since the end of the 5th grade. (She is now a high school JR) This has made her strong in some ways, but withheld her in other ways... but it was all to prevent surgery, finally to no avail. This has been looming over me since we found out. In Oct she had an MRI, one of the first steps towards this surgery, and we have yet to hear how that went. We are looking at surgery in the summer, possibly, so school will not suffer... She is an honor student.

Then with the drama that went on with my son the last two weeks... that was frightening, but now basically over. He's healing well, as is his friend, whom I recently I found out was released from hospital over a week ago, and is doing very well.

A lot of other stuff is going on that has me feeling like NOTHING is in control any more and I'm overwhelmed, depressed, scared, worried, angry, and embarrassed of my appearance and would like to just crawl under the covers and hide from the world.

I have really got to pull it together, find some determination and some solid stick-to-it-ness.

I have done it before... I have been the person who's had it all together, I want to be that me again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEASONS_CHANGE 11/23/2010 7:03AM

    Giving you a big reassuring hug Renee. This life does have dark days and it's hard to get out of a funk. You're a very strong woman and there is nothing that you can't do. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and make today that day to start making some changes that you CAN control.

Sending positive, happy thoughts your way!

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SPARKNMOM 11/21/2010 7:58PM

    Sorry to hear of all the stresses. I am very much an emotional eater/binger...so I can relate. It's so hard to focus on ourselves when we feel like we're trying to keep everyone else in the family together and healthy....hugs and strength being sent your way.

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SERENEMOM71 11/21/2010 2:41PM

  Life is messy and certainly can be hard and disappointing @ times. We are never truly in control - God is! I have found, for me, to be able to function in very difficult times in my life; I have to admit to God that I am powerless over my whole life and give it to Him. Then, God empowers me to live a holy, Spirit-filled life with energy to do the things that I need to do! Of course, I need to maintain my connection with Him with prayer, praise, song, reading the Bible, Christian action, and trying to do God's will for my life daily. If I am depressed, I go see my psychologist and psychiatrist and take medication if indicated. There is not shame in that! Anyway, this is what has worked for me. Take what you like and leave the rest. Just remember that you are a precious daughter of God and He loves you unconditionally! He surrounds you with his angels so that they can minister to you and give you what you need. Envision laying your head on their wonderfully soft feather wings and resting peacefully, safely, with all your cares lifted! Imagine being softly massaged by their wings so all your muscles are relaxed and your body feels like soft butter! You are so relaxed and the love and joy of the Lord fills your soul!! You hear the beautiful songs of the angels in your head. Your mind ceases to worry and just hears the songs. You are transformed so you are empowered to do what you need to do in the world! This is my prayer for you.

God Bless and Take Care.

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SAMI199 11/21/2010 1:20PM

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LIBRA73 11/21/2010 1:11PM

    I have been there myself! I really have. I hate it too! Not a place I like to visit! Heck, sometimes I move to "out of controlville".

I really have to pray for guidance - and the knowledge to know when He is guiding me.

So much is out of our control. Today, the door on the van stopped working. I need to get another 125,000 miles out of it. It has soooo many boo- boos as Atticus calls them. But we cannot afford another car payment.

I just have to believe there is a way around high cost. Maybe it can be fixed cheap?

I babysat for a friend of my sons who had a tumor removed from the center of her brain in Jan. She had two strokes, but was doing so well. We learned the tumor is back, growing again. She has eye surgery in Dec, and now this. She is just adorable, at barely 4 years old. She has had to endure so much, learned how to do things without the use of her left arm, wear braces, can't see like she used to, etc.

That keeps it all in perspective. I can't complain, when I look at her, and her parents. What they have been thru, and what is headed their way.

You have alot going on. Shouldering it all is hard. Let the Lord take that off you. We only think we control things. We don't control a thing.

We have to just keep going, have our faith, and do the best we can. I know you can do it, just keep pushing for it. You certainly deserve it! I can't think of a better woman!



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MARIADALE 11/21/2010 9:57AM

    I feel for you, I too have spiraled out of control for a year but I am stating to get it all back...you will too.

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YAGERMONSTER 11/21/2010 9:07AM

    I clicked here cause that was my mood too today. It also may be from not being able to party like I used to. lol

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BIGDAD1211 11/21/2010 12:26AM

    Our strength is in the Lord and when you remember that and let Jesus put it all together for you, then you can't go wrong! Don't worry about the 10 pounds going up and down. I have those same 10 and I don't know what I would do if they ever really left me! LOL. Seriously, you have so much going for you if you just look beyond what you think is a problem and when you see that and lean on Christ, you will be OK!
I will keep your daughter in my payers my friend. Please keep me posted.
In Jesus Name
Greg

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Beware Exploding Cannons

Monday, November 08, 2010

What a weekend! I was scared to death!

Got a call Saturday afternoon from my son's friend in a semi-frantic voice... "Mrs. Renee' the cannon exploded! John's hurt, but he's ok, he's in the ambulance and they are going to take him to the hospital!"

I had him slow down and repeat it all so I could soak it in, gather my wits and ask a few questions. Later my son called me from the hospital... Here's what happened:

There is a cannon team... long standing tradition (50+ years) of firing a cannon at the start of each football game, each quarter and each touchdown. My son is on that team. They were at an "away" game which is about a 1 1/2+ hour drive from where I live.

The one loading and firing the cannon that day was Bradley, the team captain. They had loaded and fired it 3 times already and they were getting ready to fire it again... same ol' routine... but when the captain lit it, the barrel exploded. Shards and debris flew everywhere. Punched holes in a nearby ambluance, did some damage to the running track and scoreboard, but worse of all, injured 2. Bradley and my son. Bradley's injuries were the worse since he was so close to it... He had 2 pieces in his back that were removed, and altho they were deep, the main concern was with his arm, where a piece of the cannon had gone all the way thru along with just gruesomely shredding his arm with smaller pieces.

My son, who was about 10 feet behind Bradley, didn't even realize he was hit. He was in shock at his friend's arm and the amount of blood gushing... he said a video game is one thing, but seeing that in real life is horrifying. He thought is friend was going to die. Then he felt something on himself... unzipped his jacked and saw that his shirt was soaked with blood. He kinda freaked feeling like all this was a dream, too surreal to really be happening. The paramedics instructed him to get into the ambulance, he thought he really didn't need to, but since he kept bleeding, he finally did what they said... then he realized his leg was hurting and bleeding also.

He called us from the hospital. they had stopped the bleeding, done 4 x-rays (2 chest, 2 leg) to determine if any metal was in him... there was. In his shin is a small piece of the cannon and they said in his chest (upper chest/to the far right) was a small piece of debris, perhaps stone or asphalt. They said that removing these small pieces would be more damaging than leaving them. So they gave him a huge dose of antibiotic, some prescriptions, and released him.

His friend went immediately into surgery to remove all they could and begin repair on his arm. He spent several hours in surgery, but still needs some nerve reconstructive surgery that this small hospital couldn't do, so the next day they took him to another hospital. After all is said and done, he is out of the woods and going to be fine.

It's amazing that only they were hurt. The ambulance was hit with several large pieces and there were men leaning against the ambulance that did not get hit at all. Johnathan was constantly worried about the people in the stands... he said he saw some babies and he just couldn't stand the thought of them getting hit with any of this. Praise the Lord that they didn't.

Today my son is back in class and doing fine, also very sore. Bradley is still in the hospital. Don't know if he's had the nerve surgery yet or not, but I have been told that he is going to be fine.

They both now have quite a story to tell.

We are all thankful no one else was hurt and that their injuries weren't any worse than what they are.

It's unclear why this malfunction happened, but they are going to look into it, I'm sure. I have some thoughts on it, myself, but I'm no expert either. (this was a 60's era cast iron cannon that uses black-powder)

I really don't think the entire cannon firing tradition needs to be abolished, but I do think that those on the Cannon Guard should all have some extensive munitions education and that more serious safety protocols be put into place.

And in case anyone is wondering... yes, my son has loaded and fired the cannon on a few occasions.

thank you all for your prayers and kind thought and well wishes over this weekend!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARIADALE 11/9/2010 9:09AM

    What a horrible experience for the boys and for you. Thank god it was not more serious.

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YAGERMONSTER 11/9/2010 3:39AM

    LIBRA73 stole my thoughts before I produced them, ugh. But that is a crazy story that I did not see coming when I clicked on the blog. I thought I was going to read a joke until I saw there was no punch line. So glad Bradley and your son are doing better and the little ones didn't get hurt. I didn't know that people still fired cannons besides at battle reinactments. Wow, thanks for sharing.

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WCATAP 11/8/2010 3:55PM

    Crazy accident, Thank goodness they weren't hurt more.

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LIBRA73 11/8/2010 3:52PM

    WOW! That would be terrifying! I am so glad he is ok and now you can rest your heart and your mind! Big hugs!

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JMLEE509 11/8/2010 3:07PM

    OMG Rene! Thank God that they both were too badly hurt! I'm sending you all my prayers!

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Pity Party Blog... beware.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

I'm sorry... and I'm not kidding... this is my own personal pity party and venting blog... Do not feel obligated to respond.

I had another crap day yesterday. Started off well then downhill it went. Some days I wonder why I even try. I think I blew my last chance to be thin when I gained back the 57 lbs I lost 2 years ago. I was within reach of my goal weight, now that is so far off I can't even see it any more. I don't think it's never going to actually happen.

I ate very well yesterday... all on plan and felt great... until dinner last night. I didn't even want dinner, I was not actually hungry. A plate was made for me anyway (without a single thought to the fact that I'm TRYING to lose weight) and I felt obligated to eat it. What a pitiful excuse. Today I'm swelled up like an elephant due to lack of water and a large abundance of sodium last night. (I have swelling issues without those extra boosts, anyhow.) Great. Today we take pictures for our church directory. Not only am I as fat as ever, I'm puffed up major and I'm in such a pissy and depressed mood I can't even fake a smile. And it's all my own fault. I'm more angry with myself than anyone.

Also, yesterday a friend posted a pic of she and I. She's thin and still pretty. I look like an ugly beached whale next to her. ...just icing on my pity party cake.

Why does crap like this have to happen right when I need it NOT to! I felt great about myself when I had lost the weight... why did I gain it all back!

Tomorrow morning is supposed to be another weigh in day. I've skipped two already. I did check my weight Friday morning... nothing, no change, no gain, no loss. I tried to see it as good news, really, but that lasted as far as I could throw air. Two weeks of trying and nothing... I'm not happy at all with myself.

I dread these pictures today so much.

End of Vent.

UPDATE:
A little time has passed. I'm still not feeling all perky and motivated. Actually I'm feeling like giving up the diet today, eating anything and everything I want... altho I've not done that quite yet. And I've already planned on skipping the weigh in and just taking Friday morning's weigh in for now.

I'm still very much dreading the pictures, but perhaps I can fake that smile now, at least. It really did help to vent my feelings and get them out. Writing to vent is good therapy. :)

RE-UPDATE:
I was right, the pictures of me were horrible and I look like I have way too many chins and no neck. ugh. But the kids and hubby looked great in the pics, so we picked one and are having a 16x20 made. We very rarely do family photos like that, mainly because of me and my fatness, but this time it was kinda forced on me to do this and I just sucked it up with an acknowledgment that in this portrait, I'm fat. So what. In the next on I'm going to look fabulous!!!!

But I drowned my downtrodden soul in the Chinese Buffet this afternoon after the session. How smart was that?

Time to get it back in gear! I have some catching up to do!!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WCATAP 11/8/2010 3:59PM

    Of course you feel bad, we all would. Hey love yourself for whaqt you can do. Jump right back on and don't throw out the baby withthe bath water. I am creeping up also But I have had a great few months of blaaaa. I will get back on track , but I won't allow it to dominate my self worth. Yor value comes from God and he loves you.

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SPARKNMOM 10/4/2010 11:49PM

    May I join in on your pity party? Having tons of difficulty staying on track lately.

I'm sure the family pic is great, altho I realize that having gained some weight back, you're self-conscious about it. You're right....for the next family photo, you can work to be fabulously healthy. :) Lots of hugs and strength to you, Renee'.

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TASOGAREBAN 10/1/2010 6:56AM

    We're all allowed to be pissy. I'm not in a great mood because it keeps raining outside. I can't enjoy a fall day if it's rainy especially on my way to work. Blah!!

On the upside, let me tell you, I've been on that rollercoaster myself. My friend Yami posted a pic on her myspace once and then tagged me in it. I wanted to DIE. I was at my heaviest weight and the pic was SUCH a wake up call. A few weeks after that I went to AC for a week long vacation and came back with the same jeans I'd worn out there. And they...didn't...fit. DOUBLE BLAH!

I recommited myself right then and there. I just couldn't take it anymore. I started working out a little bit at a time until it became routine. I threw out all my unhealthy stuff and kept all healthy stuff around with the thinking that if I was hungry for something and it wasn't in the house, I would be too lazy to get dressed to go out and get it. And that totally worked. It STILL works. I really am that lazy, hahahahahahahaha! And most of all, I managed to convince myself that a little bit at a time was the way to go. Honestly. It was the best thing I could've done. I wanted those quick fixes, lose ten pounds, lose five pounds. I wanted all those. But after awhile, just seeing the pounds come off was the best motivator. I've currently lost some motivation because I haven't budged in weight in two weeks but in the last year I've lost almost 30 lbs, the hard way. And I feel so much better having done it that way because I finally feel like it was the right way to do it.

Use the picture as a reference point. Work your way a little bit at a time there. And remember, it isn't the end of the road. It's just the beginning. :)

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MARIADALE 9/26/2010 2:36PM

    I bet the photo is fine...we are too hard on ourselves! I too have gained back almost 40 pounds...but I am not prepared to quit.

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SEASONS_CHANGE 9/25/2010 6:44PM

    We feel your pain, and trust me, you're soo not alone. When we lose weight, we are on cloud nine, but when the weight sneaks back on... it's like the end of the world.

Like me, I know that I need to devise a plan of action and cross out what didn't work with my routine and try a different way to approach it. Write the blueprint of the whole new you and steps you can take to get there, including anticipated sabatoges that may come your way (like someone giving you a plate of food) it's ok to take it and when they aren't looking, wrap it up and put it in the fridge.

When in doubt, give us a shout. We are your own personal cheering section!

Renee! Renee!

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DAWNFRNJ 9/25/2010 4:54PM

    I also agree with Libra73. This is your space. Be as pissy or frustrated as you want. You are entitled to your feelings (no one should tell you what you should and should not feel) and you are allowed to express them as needed. emoticon

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SAMI199 9/25/2010 4:08PM

    I second Libra73's comment-Be as pissy as you want-all this be positive all the time is just a wee bit unrealistic!!!!!!
I cryed when I saw the last pictures of me-I am not kidding-I had no idea how terrible I looked-ugh~~~~~ So, it's back to the drawing board for me because I have no choice.I can not stand this anymore-I 'm thinking there will be quite a bit of "pissy dust" sprinkles around before we're done-lol.Hang in there!
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LIBRA73 9/25/2010 12:14PM

    Girl, I don't know how many pages in my journal are exactly like this!

I know how every single aspect of this feels and what it looks like. Been there.

Now, I have committed, and re-commited to our challenge, and so far so good. I refuse to think that you won't lose weight. You will. Right now, things look bleak. I get that. All too familiar.

It's ok to be pissy. Just let it out, get it all out. Soon you will feel better and will move on!

I am here for you, thick or thin - literally! No worries, we have plenty more challenges coming, and we will do this together. You will do this! You have done it once and you are stong enough to do it again....for good!

Great big hugs!!! (it is ok to be pissy...you are entitled!)

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Thursday was quite a day...

Saturday, September 18, 2010

First of all, one of our bunnies wasn't acting right, I was afraid she was sick, so I took her to the vet at 8:30 that morning. Doc said he wasn't sure what it was, but gave her a good exam, tests, and prescribed some medicine for me to give her twice a day. I got back home and made sure she was comfy. Then called my hubby...

I called hubby to see if he could get off to go get tires on our daughter's car.. much needed. He could, he came home and started calling around looking for someone who had a set. No one in our area did... all said they could order some, no thanks, we need them today. So... called other towns and found some. A bit over an hour away... no problem, however, the tires on the car were in BAD shape... hubby thought we'd make it ... nope. About 1/3 into the trip we had a flat... and low and behold... the donut spare thingy was flat too. CRAP! So, hubby went ahead and mounted the donut and we drove about 15 mph to the next exit and then stopped at a house... hubby asked if he (quite aged retired man) had an air compressor... what he had was a bicycle pump... good enough. Hubby aired up the donut, getting a bit of a workout in the process, but it worked. We thanked the man kindly and went back on our way... at 50 mph and less cause that's what the donut is rated for... on a 70 mph highway. Yes, we ran the hazard lights.

We stopped once to check air in the donut and it was doing fine... so on we went slowly... After finally arriving at the tire place we "signed in" and began the wait. Papers had already been filled out, so we wandered around their store and found some rims we liked... but none in stock. dangit. After wandering around their store for about a half hour we saw that our car had not yet been touched... so we walked across the way to another store. We wandered around Burlington Coat Factory for over an hour. I got a pair of sunglasses and a Christmas present for my youngest daughter. :) Then we walked back to PepBoys and our car still had not been touched! Good grief! So we went inside and asked again... they said we were next. Well, we were told that before we went to BCF. Hmmm... but after a few minutes, they did bring our car around and got it started. Every so slowly. I think the guy working on ours was a bit put off about something so everything he did was in slow motion. :/ Great.

After watching him a while, we went and sat in the waiting area. After sitting there about 20 minutes they came and said one of the NEW tires had a hole in it and they didn't have any more! They said they would call around and find the tire at another place.. no luck on that. They said they could order one... gyah! We live about 70 miles from this place and can't get home to wait! So... they suggested another size of tire, that would fit, even tho it's not the size that was on it. This is a picky little car when it comes to tires and rims. We had tried getting a different size tire from Sam's but they wouldn't put them on the car because of the lower speed rating. The car calls for an H rated tire (130 mph) and all they had was one rated 118 mph. No go. dang, like we're gonna even be getting close to 100???? sheesh!

But PepBoys said they would put the tires on there. Good. More selection and hubby checked them all out and made a good decision on some even better tires, made in the USA with a longer mileage warranty. cool. These tires are rated 118 mph... no big deal, really. We just have to eliminate our 130 mph driving days... as if we had those! LOL!

Now during all these going- on... My daughter called me from home telling us they are home safe and sound and wondering how things are going... while I'm on the phone with her, I hear my youngest daughter run in the house crying loudly and yelling "Nimue's dead!" Nimue was the little bunny I had just taken to the vet that morning. So here I am, 70 miles away from my baby girl who just found her pet dead. While Melanie (older daughter) consoled Bethany (younger daughter) I called the vet and told him what happened... and would he speculate on what happened so I could tell my kids something. He said the bunny had a knot/lump in her abdomen that could have been a tumor or babies and that she was miscarrying/miscarried and had complications with that because along with that she had a discharge and a fever. He was really surprised that she died. Yeah, me too and hated that my little girl was the one who found it dead. He was very nice, tho.

I called Melanie back, told her what the vet said, and that given those two possibilities, there was nothing we could have done. She said Bethany was calming down a bit... Christopher, my youngest son wanted to know what to do with Nimue. I told him to find a shoebox she would fit in and we would bury her. He did and wanted to know how deep to dig the hole. I told him and he went to work. In the meantime Melanie was still consoling Bethany. All this was going on at the same time as all the frustrations over the tires.

Finally, the tires were on the car and they gave us discount for our troubles. Through it all we maintained a friendly attitude (hoping to maintain a Christ-like attitude) as did the manager and other workers, (wasn't worth getting all pissy about!) and it paid off. We left content in what we had gotten, the price, and in the way everyone acted, in spite of spending over 3 hours there.

I called my kids again to see how everyone was. Christopher was still digging and Melanie was watching a movie with Bethany and keeping her calm. Mucho sadness going on at home.... but we had 2 more stops to make.

I had returns at one place... got that taken care of, then we went to Sam's. Along with a couple things we needed, I bought a couple Christmas gifts as well. I kept in touch with my kids and they seemed well. The bunny was buried, (usually we hold a little pet "service" but it was dark and everyone was very tired) they had eaten and they were still calm, but sad. We were finally on our way home.

We had a nice ride home with the top down (convertible car) and made good time since we could now drive the speed limit.

At home, all was well, given the circumstances. Bethany wanted to stay home from school Friday, so I called my boss/friend and she told me absolutely... stay home with my baby. So I did and we had a great day yesterday.

It really made up for such an adventitious, hectic, frustrating, sad, and long Thursday.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SERENEMOM71 9/19/2010 6:16PM

  I'm sorry about the bunny whole incident and the problem with the car/tires. What a day! Most often, a Christ-like attitude does pay off! What I mean by that is that kindness and love attract kindness and love. You children handled themselves exceptionally well without you! And I'm glad that you were able to stay home with your baby!
I continue to think of and pray for you daily.
God Blesss and Talk Care.
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MARIADALE 9/18/2010 4:51PM

    why does everything always happen at the same time? I am sorry about your daughters pet...it is hard to lose a loved animal.

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SAMI199 9/18/2010 4:20PM

    You poor thing!!!! It is the WORST not to be there ( for you)
I"m sorry about the bunny =( I must tell you,my day was not great, but after reading your blog-You win the "What else could go wrong award" Things can only get better!

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LOTUSFLOWER 9/18/2010 12:08PM

    I'm sorry about your bunny and the car troubles, praying you have a better day today and for your family, especially your youngest daughter who found the bunny. Sending hugs your way!

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LIBRA73 9/18/2010 11:40AM

    Goodness! what a day!

I am so sorry about your bunny! How sad! And hate that your baby found her. That hurts! I hope you guys have a much better weekend!

Lots of hugs!

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days 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ok... so my eating is out of hand. Big time. I'm talking a brownie and a twizzler here, just today, not to mention the pizza, ice cream, potatoes, and other stuff and just too much of it on the previous days. :/ Why can't I just stay focused? I keep telling myself not to trade what I want most for what I want at the moment, but then it's quickly forgotten. **sigh**

I have a goal I'd like to at least get close to, and I have a long long way to go to reach my ultimate goal.

This time it is such a struggle! I want to do this for the last time forever!

On the other hand... I'm exercising! Ok, so yeah, it's just a mile a day in the mornings, Monday thru Friday but I am on week 2 and still doing it! I"m almost afraid to toot this horn, but looks like I just did. I hope it's not an omen and I slack off tomorrow! Will NOT let that happen!

Ugh... another day to do it right tomorrow. For now, it's bedtime and I'm going to watch 30 Days of Night. YAY! My DVD copy was in bad shape, couldn't watch it for months because it jumped and hung up so much... but tonight I found it on BluRay for $10 and I'm tickled! :)

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARIADALE 9/17/2010 2:50PM

    I feel for you...my eating is also out of control.

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SERENEMOM71 9/16/2010 8:05AM

  Sometimes we have to "tackle" one thing @ a time - and it seems you are getting the exercising down! emoticon emoticon emoticon The other will follow if you keep this up! Check out our new Christian Women W/Depression site! We have a new PEEL Daily Challenge you might be interested in! I continue to pray for you daily!
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LIBRA73 9/16/2010 7:48AM

    I am thrilled and excited you are exercising! That is pretty dang awesome!!

I love your mantra, and I have been using it - so if I am using your mantra, you HAVE to use your mantra! Giddy up girl!

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WCATAP 9/16/2010 7:33AM

    Hey lets try to get each other back on track with the simple tracking. I'll look for your posts. I didn't do well yesterday but I'll post a better day today.

Who's in 30 days of nights?

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ANEWDAWN30 9/16/2010 12:04AM

    I think it's great you're looking on the positive side! Keep up the walking, I'm sure the rest will follow suit!

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