Sunday, November 21, 2010
I couldn't think of a more fitting title for this blog. It really sums up my feelings. Ugh.
My lack of motivation has really got me down lately. I do well for a day or two, then it all fizzles so fast and I keep having the "start again tomorrow" thinking. Well, every day this year has basically been "tomorrow." I know I shouldn't wait for that motivational click that I have had before, but I seem to be waiting anyhow.
The last few months have been very hard mentally and physically. I have yo-yoed so much lately that I'm just losing the same 10 lbs over and over again.
In September we learned that my daughter will be having surgery for her scoliosis. This came as quite a hard blow because she has endured the wearing of a brace since the end of the 5th grade. (She is now a high school JR) This has made her strong in some ways, but withheld her in other ways... but it was all to prevent surgery, finally to no avail. This has been looming over me since we found out. In Oct she had an MRI, one of the first steps towards this surgery, and we have yet to hear how that went. We are looking at surgery in the summer, possibly, so school will not suffer... She is an honor student.
Then with the drama that went on with my son the last two weeks... that was frightening, but now basically over. He's healing well, as is his friend, whom I recently I found out was released from hospital over a week ago, and is doing very well.
A lot of other stuff is going on that has me feeling like NOTHING is in control any more and I'm overwhelmed, depressed, scared, worried, angry, and embarrassed of my appearance and would like to just crawl under the covers and hide from the world.
I have really got to pull it together, find some determination and some solid stick-to-it-ness.
I have done it before... I have been the person who's had it all together, I want to be that me again.
Monday, November 08, 2010
What a weekend! I was scared to death!
Got a call Saturday afternoon from my son's friend in a semi-frantic voice... "Mrs. Renee' the cannon exploded! John's hurt, but he's ok, he's in the ambulance and they are going to take him to the hospital!"
I had him slow down and repeat it all so I could soak it in, gather my wits and ask a few questions. Later my son called me from the hospital... Here's what happened:
There is a cannon team... long standing tradition (50+ years) of firing a cannon at the start of each football game, each quarter and each touchdown. My son is on that team. They were at an "away" game which is about a 1 1/2+ hour drive from where I live.
The one loading and firing the cannon that day was Bradley, the team captain. They had loaded and fired it 3 times already and they were getting ready to fire it again... same ol' routine... but when the captain lit it, the barrel exploded. Shards and debris flew everywhere. Punched holes in a nearby ambluance, did some damage to the running track and scoreboard, but worse of all, injured 2. Bradley and my son. Bradley's injuries were the worse since he was so close to it... He had 2 pieces in his back that were removed, and altho they were deep, the main concern was with his arm, where a piece of the cannon had gone all the way thru along with just gruesomely shredding his arm with smaller pieces.
My son, who was about 10 feet behind Bradley, didn't even realize he was hit. He was in shock at his friend's arm and the amount of blood gushing... he said a video game is one thing, but seeing that in real life is horrifying. He thought is friend was going to die. Then he felt something on himself... unzipped his jacked and saw that his shirt was soaked with blood. He kinda freaked feeling like all this was a dream, too surreal to really be happening. The paramedics instructed him to get into the ambulance, he thought he really didn't need to, but since he kept bleeding, he finally did what they said... then he realized his leg was hurting and bleeding also.
He called us from the hospital. they had stopped the bleeding, done 4 x-rays (2 chest, 2 leg) to determine if any metal was in him... there was. In his shin is a small piece of the cannon and they said in his chest (upper chest/to the far right) was a small piece of debris, perhaps stone or asphalt. They said that removing these small pieces would be more damaging than leaving them. So they gave him a huge dose of antibiotic, some prescriptions, and released him.
His friend went immediately into surgery to remove all they could and begin repair on his arm. He spent several hours in surgery, but still needs some nerve reconstructive surgery that this small hospital couldn't do, so the next day they took him to another hospital. After all is said and done, he is out of the woods and going to be fine.
It's amazing that only they were hurt. The ambulance was hit with several large pieces and there were men leaning against the ambulance that did not get hit at all. Johnathan was constantly worried about the people in the stands... he said he saw some babies and he just couldn't stand the thought of them getting hit with any of this. Praise the Lord that they didn't.
Today my son is back in class and doing fine, also very sore. Bradley is still in the hospital. Don't know if he's had the nerve surgery yet or not, but I have been told that he is going to be fine.
They both now have quite a story to tell.
We are all thankful no one else was hurt and that their injuries weren't any worse than what they are.
It's unclear why this malfunction happened, but they are going to look into it, I'm sure. I have some thoughts on it, myself, but I'm no expert either. (this was a 60's era cast iron cannon that uses black-powder)
I really don't think the entire cannon firing tradition needs to be abolished, but I do think that those on the Cannon Guard should all have some extensive munitions education and that more serious safety protocols be put into place.
And in case anyone is wondering... yes, my son has loaded and fired the cannon on a few occasions.
thank you all for your prayers and kind thought and well wishes over this weekend!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I'm sorry... and I'm not kidding... this is my own personal pity party and venting blog... Do not feel obligated to respond.
I had another crap day yesterday. Started off well then downhill it went. Some days I wonder why I even try. I think I blew my last chance to be thin when I gained back the 57 lbs I lost 2 years ago. I was within reach of my goal weight, now that is so far off I can't even see it any more. I don't think it's never going to actually happen.
I ate very well yesterday... all on plan and felt great... until dinner last night. I didn't even want dinner, I was not actually hungry. A plate was made for me anyway (without a single thought to the fact that I'm TRYING to lose weight) and I felt obligated to eat it. What a pitiful excuse. Today I'm swelled up like an elephant due to lack of water and a large abundance of sodium last night. (I have swelling issues without those extra boosts, anyhow.) Great. Today we take pictures for our church directory. Not only am I as fat as ever, I'm puffed up major and I'm in such a pissy and depressed mood I can't even fake a smile. And it's all my own fault. I'm more angry with myself than anyone.
Also, yesterday a friend posted a pic of she and I. She's thin and still pretty. I look like an ugly beached whale next to her. ...just icing on my pity party cake.
Why does crap like this have to happen right when I need it NOT to! I felt great about myself when I had lost the weight... why did I gain it all back!
Tomorrow morning is supposed to be another weigh in day. I've skipped two already. I did check my weight Friday morning... nothing, no change, no gain, no loss. I tried to see it as good news, really, but that lasted as far as I could throw air. Two weeks of trying and nothing... I'm not happy at all with myself.
I dread these pictures today so much.
End of Vent.
A little time has passed. I'm still not feeling all perky and motivated. Actually I'm feeling like giving up the diet today, eating anything and everything I want... altho I've not done that quite yet. And I've already planned on skipping the weigh in and just taking Friday morning's weigh in for now.
I'm still very much dreading the pictures, but perhaps I can fake that smile now, at least. It really did help to vent my feelings and get them out. Writing to vent is good therapy. :)
I was right, the pictures of me were horrible and I look like I have way too many chins and no neck. ugh. But the kids and hubby looked great in the pics, so we picked one and are having a 16x20 made. We very rarely do family photos like that, mainly because of me and my fatness, but this time it was kinda forced on me to do this and I just sucked it up with an acknowledgment that in this portrait, I'm fat. So what. In the next on I'm going to look fabulous!!!!
But I drowned my downtrodden soul in the Chinese Buffet this afternoon after the session. How smart was that?
Time to get it back in gear! I have some catching up to do!!!!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
First of all, one of our bunnies wasn't acting right, I was afraid she was sick, so I took her to the vet at 8:30 that morning. Doc said he wasn't sure what it was, but gave her a good exam, tests, and prescribed some medicine for me to give her twice a day. I got back home and made sure she was comfy. Then called my hubby...
I called hubby to see if he could get off to go get tires on our daughter's car.. much needed. He could, he came home and started calling around looking for someone who had a set. No one in our area did... all said they could order some, no thanks, we need them today. So... called other towns and found some. A bit over an hour away... no problem, however, the tires on the car were in BAD shape... hubby thought we'd make it ... nope. About 1/3 into the trip we had a flat... and low and behold... the donut spare thingy was flat too. CRAP! So, hubby went ahead and mounted the donut and we drove about 15 mph to the next exit and then stopped at a house... hubby asked if he (quite aged retired man) had an air compressor... what he had was a bicycle pump... good enough. Hubby aired up the donut, getting a bit of a workout in the process, but it worked. We thanked the man kindly and went back on our way... at 50 mph and less cause that's what the donut is rated for... on a 70 mph highway. Yes, we ran the hazard lights.
We stopped once to check air in the donut and it was doing fine... so on we went slowly... After finally arriving at the tire place we "signed in" and began the wait. Papers had already been filled out, so we wandered around their store and found some rims we liked... but none in stock. dangit. After wandering around their store for about a half hour we saw that our car had not yet been touched... so we walked across the way to another store. We wandered around Burlington Coat Factory for over an hour. I got a pair of sunglasses and a Christmas present for my youngest daughter. :) Then we walked back to PepBoys and our car still had not been touched! Good grief! So we went inside and asked again... they said we were next. Well, we were told that before we went to BCF. Hmmm... but after a few minutes, they did bring our car around and got it started. Every so slowly. I think the guy working on ours was a bit put off about something so everything he did was in slow motion. :/ Great.
After watching him a while, we went and sat in the waiting area. After sitting there about 20 minutes they came and said one of the NEW tires had a hole in it and they didn't have any more! They said they would call around and find the tire at another place.. no luck on that. They said they could order one... gyah! We live about 70 miles from this place and can't get home to wait! So... they suggested another size of tire, that would fit, even tho it's not the size that was on it. This is a picky little car when it comes to tires and rims. We had tried getting a different size tire from Sam's but they wouldn't put them on the car because of the lower speed rating. The car calls for an H rated tire (130 mph) and all they had was one rated 118 mph. No go. dang, like we're gonna even be getting close to 100???? sheesh!
But PepBoys said they would put the tires on there. Good. More selection and hubby checked them all out and made a good decision on some even better tires, made in the USA with a longer mileage warranty. cool. These tires are rated 118 mph... no big deal, really. We just have to eliminate our 130 mph driving days... as if we had those! LOL!
Now during all these going- on... My daughter called me from home telling us they are home safe and sound and wondering how things are going... while I'm on the phone with her, I hear my youngest daughter run in the house crying loudly and yelling "Nimue's dead!" Nimue was the little bunny I had just taken to the vet that morning. So here I am, 70 miles away from my baby girl who just found her pet dead. While Melanie (older daughter) consoled Bethany (younger daughter) I called the vet and told him what happened... and would he speculate on what happened so I could tell my kids something. He said the bunny had a knot/lump in her abdomen that could have been a tumor or babies and that she was miscarrying/miscarried and had complications with that because along with that she had a discharge and a fever. He was really surprised that she died. Yeah, me too and hated that my little girl was the one who found it dead. He was very nice, tho.
I called Melanie back, told her what the vet said, and that given those two possibilities, there was nothing we could have done. She said Bethany was calming down a bit... Christopher, my youngest son wanted to know what to do with Nimue. I told him to find a shoebox she would fit in and we would bury her. He did and wanted to know how deep to dig the hole. I told him and he went to work. In the meantime Melanie was still consoling Bethany. All this was going on at the same time as all the frustrations over the tires.
Finally, the tires were on the car and they gave us discount for our troubles. Through it all we maintained a friendly attitude (hoping to maintain a Christ-like attitude) as did the manager and other workers, (wasn't worth getting all pissy about!) and it paid off. We left content in what we had gotten, the price, and in the way everyone acted, in spite of spending over 3 hours there.
I called my kids again to see how everyone was. Christopher was still digging and Melanie was watching a movie with Bethany and keeping her calm. Mucho sadness going on at home.... but we had 2 more stops to make.
I had returns at one place... got that taken care of, then we went to Sam's. Along with a couple things we needed, I bought a couple Christmas gifts as well. I kept in touch with my kids and they seemed well. The bunny was buried, (usually we hold a little pet "service" but it was dark and everyone was very tired) they had eaten and they were still calm, but sad. We were finally on our way home.
We had a nice ride home with the top down (convertible car) and made good time since we could now drive the speed limit.
At home, all was well, given the circumstances. Bethany wanted to stay home from school Friday, so I called my boss/friend and she told me absolutely... stay home with my baby. So I did and we had a great day yesterday.
It really made up for such an adventitious, hectic, frustrating, sad, and long Thursday.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Ok... so my eating is out of hand. Big time. I'm talking a brownie and a twizzler here, just today, not to mention the pizza, ice cream, potatoes, and other stuff and just too much of it on the previous days. :/ Why can't I just stay focused? I keep telling myself not to trade what I want most for what I want at the moment, but then it's quickly forgotten. **sigh**
I have a goal I'd like to at least get close to, and I have a long long way to go to reach my ultimate goal.
This time it is such a struggle! I want to do this for the last time forever!
On the other hand... I'm exercising! Ok, so yeah, it's just a mile a day in the mornings, Monday thru Friday but I am on week 2 and still doing it! I"m almost afraid to toot this horn, but looks like I just did. I hope it's not an omen and I slack off tomorrow! Will NOT let that happen!
Ugh... another day to do it right tomorrow. For now, it's bedtime and I'm going to watch 30 Days of Night. YAY! My DVD copy was in bad shape, couldn't watch it for months because it jumped and hung up so much... but tonight I found it on BluRay for $10 and I'm tickled! :)
Get An Email Alert Each Time OHANAMAMA Posts