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Little Victories Win the War!

Friday, January 11, 2013

Yesterday I talked about being honest with myself. I kept thinking about that all afternoon and into the evening. I think I am still struggling with the fact that I DO have an eating disorder. I keep fighting with my inner self that tells me that I just don't have any willpower. It is bigger than not having willpower. I realized this when I started to think about not only my childhood but my adult life.

In my first appt. with my nutritionist/dietitian she gave me a questioner for people with eating disorders. One of the questions related to hiding food or being excited to be alone to eat. I said "NO, I do not do that." Just another lie to myself! I caught myself yesterday going to add frosting on a graham cracker. My son came around the corner and I quickly threw it back in the fridge. I was almost caught. HELLO REALITY!

After dinner, the same son (a 7th grader) asked if he could make cupcakes. In my head I was thinking "oh that sounds yummy!" Then I realized that I have been good all day! A cupcake will ruin my "GOOD DAY." It was 8:15 at night and I told him that he needed to keep them away from me that I can't have one. He was so cute. He said, "don't worry mom. I will hide them from you. I can take them to school for my friends." Usually, I would tell him that he couldn't do that as it costs money to make those stinkin' cupcakes. But it also costs money, guilt and shame to keep them in the house! I posted on Facebook about the cupcakes and I was just going to go to bed so I wouldn't be tempted! You would not believe how many comments my post received! It appears I am not the only one tempted by sweets. I was strong. I did not have one of his cupcakes. Thus having one victory. When I stood on the scale today... I was finally down a pound! YAY! I know it is only one pound... but it is in the right direction.

It is the little victories all added up that will win this war I have with food. I am praying and trying to focus on the Godly example the Lord wants me to be instead of focusing on what I am going to eat next. I wish I could end my daily post here... but I have to add one more thing.

My bad habits and low self-esteem have started to rub off on my 9 year old daughter. This morning she came into my room so excited and said, "mommy! My pants keep sliding down! Does that mean I have lost weight?!" I did not want to answer YES as I don't want her to think at all that she is less than perfect. I told her it means she is growing taller! I told her that she does not need to lose weight as she is perfect just the way God made her. I didn't want to make a big deal of it and have her obsess about it like I do. I obsess enough for the both of us! It just is proof that I need to be aware that she wants to be like me. I need to change my energies and try not to make any big deal of my body and weight.

The weekend is coming in about 8 hours. I pray that I will keep in my head the event of this morning and remember my little victories. I plan to have a great weekend with my family. I am praying for anyone reading this too that you will have those little victories too. : )


And the Truth Shall Set You Free

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Honesty. Such a simple word isn't it? I consider myself to be honest in almost every area of my life. If I do lie... people see right through me and know I am telling a lie. If they don't see right through me; the guilt ends up eating me so bad that I will apologize and tell you that I lied.

Thinking about honesty today I realized that the one person I lie to all the time is ME. I tell myself and convince myself that just eating one of something is no big deal. But that ONE leads to another... and another. I tell myself I am ugly. I tell myself I am fat and unlovable. I tell myself I am unworthy to be loved or befriended by anyone. I have lied to myself for so long that I have started to believe those lies. These are lies put in my head not of a Holy God... but of the evil one who knows my weakness. I know the truth that no matter what I am a Child of God and I am his Princess. That is THE TRUTH.

I have never given too much thought to the link between my spiritual life and my "FOOD" life. But going to OA meetings has really brought into light how I have been holding TIGHT to this one area of my life and not giving it to the ONE who can actually handle it and take it on for me. This is a battle not only of my mind, but a spiritual battle.

I am far from saying I am "RECOVERED" from my Over Eater Eating disorder. But I am starting to enter into recovery. I am going to OA meetings and trying my best to be the Woman God wants me to be. I figure now that I have totally whole heartily given it to God... anything is possible.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKEEWEE2MEK 1/10/2013 7:12PM

    So glad you could dig deep for yourself. This is a true realization and inspiration. emoticon

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    emoticon emoticon

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Diagnosis does not = Reason or License to Eat!

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

On Friday I started to wake up to what an eating disorder really means. Somewhere between Friday and Saturday Morning I woke up from like a food coma! I realized that I have put blame on everyone else for my choices. Nobody has FORCE fed me. Nobody gets mad if I don't eat a particular food.

Saturday morning I went to an OA meeting and further confirmed I am one of them. I said for the first time out loud that I am a Compulsive Over Eater. But now... it is almost as though it has given me an excuse or a license to Over eat. Like it is something I can not help... I have a diagnosis so I need to fulfill it. STOP... WRONG!

I weighed myself this morning and was WAAAAYYY over my "OH CRAP!" point on the scale. The numbers on my scale are going the wrong way. My nice shapely, sexy legs are gross cottage cheese legs. My arms are so big I can not get certain shirts over them! ERRRR. Diagnosis or not I need to get my butt in gear and quit having a pity party for one and eating all the cake!

I have to make the right choices for what goes into my mouth. I have to not put myself in situations that will make me loose control. My dietitian gave me a menu to follow and I have yet to do it right. I had mentioned to her that I thought there were too many carbs but she pointed out that my past eating had me eating between 8 and 18 carbs a day!

I have figured out that Carbs are my drug. They are my trigger that if I have just one... it leads to a binge which leads to guilt which then leads to another binge which triggers this whole ugly cycle over and over.

My Dr. and my family hates when I do Medifast as it is not the best most nutritional way to loose weight. But it is the only thing that has ever worked for me. We live in a fast passed world that wants "RIGHT NOW" results. I don't want "RIGHT NOW" results... I NEED them!

I see my dietition tomorrow so I am going to tell her where I am at and that I need to cut Carbs. I feel like after I get back to where I was even just a year ago that I can then focus on making the "FOREVER" eating choices. I just can not do the sugar and the carbs without it bringing me down and pushing me into the binge, guilt cycle.

For today.. My goal is to just focus on the "RIGHT NOW" and make my good food choices one meal at a time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STELLASMYBEBE 1/8/2013 11:39AM

    Stay strong :)

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STEP 1: Admitting you have a problem

Friday, January 04, 2013

So... I used to think that the only eating disorders were to be anorexic or bulimic. Well, I was wrong. My Dr. diagnosed me with an eating disorder Nov. 2012. My therapist urged me to go to a support group. Well, the only support group I could find was Over-eaters Anonymous. It is like AA for people who can not stop eating. I really did not think I was one of "THOSE" people. But I was wrong again! My Dr. sent me to a dietitian. In our first appt. she asked me what percentage of the time I thought about food. My answer was even surprising to me! It was 90% of the time. When I am at work, watching tv, driving, or even working out. I think about how awful and how much I hate food. How if only I was thin people would like me better. People always say "you have such a pretty face" That is the worst thing to tell me!
Today I met with my dietitian and have a plan for eating. Even in the plan for eating it was hard for me to accept it because it has fruit and carbs in it. Am I really supposed to eat carbs and sugary fruit? For me one carb will eventually lead to more carbs. It is a totally slippery slope for me.
My relationship with food is NOT normal... even though it is all I have ever known. To put myself in that "EATING DISORDER" box is very hard. But I think I am almost mastering the first step of accepting that the problem is BIGGER than me and I need a "HIGHER POWER" to help me recover.
One of the steps is making a mends with those I have hurt in my disease. Hard to come up with a list of people as the biggest person I have hurt is myself. As I search for those people I have hurt... I realize that I have hurt my children and my husband the most. I am going to push that step for later when I am ready for it. For today... I am going to focus on the fact that I am going to master step #1. I am proud of myself and know that my God is bigger than this and my GOD can heal me from this disease. emoticon


Office Holiday Food = Holiday weight gain

Monday, December 17, 2012

It all looks so yummy! I wouldn't want to hurt feelings by not eating something they worked so hard to make! Yep... those are statements I hear myself say in my head!

I worked so hard to lose that weight and now I am playing with fire at the 200 pound mark again. I eat because I feel bad I have gained weight back. I eat because I just can't NOT eat. :( I have come to the realization that I am powerless over that four letter word.. F-O-O-D. What do you do if your powerless? Turn to a 12 step program of course.

I have found Over-eaters anonymous. It is like AA for people who over-eat. My Medical Doctor diagnosed me with an eating disorder and this is like the last straw. I have to get my life under control.

I have been to two meetings. As much as I hate to put a label on myself I think I am one of them. So, I am trying to deal with this HEAD ON. Please pray for me. I WILL NEED IT!


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