Wednesday, November 06, 2013
over the last many months I have thought many times about blogging - have blogged in my head - but to actually sit down and commit to ink - not happening.
I re-read some of my old blogs and funny how some things just don't (or haven't yet) change.
I still struggle mightily with not throwing in the towel altogether and reverting back to all my old eating patterns. From my lowest weight to now, I have gained about 25 lbs. Even my 'fat' jeans barely fit.
I'm still exercising and actually doing better in that regard; I am running again, some, carefully. I've spent over a year in PT all because of a mis-diagnosed, mistreated, wrongly handled by a previous PT, foot injury. And let's add in the same thing for knee and back. The new guy has got me better faster stronger and more pain free than I've ever been before, which is really awesome, but it doesn't take much for the old gremlins to rear their ugly heads.
On a happier note, and boy is it a long story, I ended up giving away my horse and leasing a new one. More appropriate to my overall goals as a rider, a schoolmaster - he knows far more than I do - and finally after how long now, I am enjoying riding again. While I no longer consider time at the barn my sanctuary, as it once was, at least I have a horse I enjoy and can actually do something with.
I think on a daily basis, what am I going to do about the weight I've gained.....? yes, I have a thyroid issue. But it can't be the 'final say'. I won't let it. I can't let it. I need to find that happy place again, where my weight was good my energy was good and my mind was calm. I have not had that in the last couple of years, at least. I have not been taking care of myself at all. I allow everyone and anyone to interrupt, override, make decisions for me, it's rare I get a chance to finish a thought all the way through.
I have a friend who upon turning 50 has decided she's going to turn over a new leaf, quite literally........I have watched her go from being mousy and shy about everything to flat out telling people off if she doesn't like what they're saying/doing. A bit extreme but I have to say I'm proud of her for standing up for herself.
My PT and I were discussing my workout programming and he made the comment about you need at least one day off and I laughed. Really? You don't say. Would you like to tell me where I might find that day? Because every single solitary day of the week I have some sort of physical activity planned whether it is in the gym or not. My alarm is set every day of the week whether I like it or not.
Sounds like I am really boo-hoo'ing my life. I'm not. It's just the reality of it. I would like to make some changes. My youngest is now in first grade and being a parent helper is very important to me. But his teacher said the best time for help was at 12:30 in the afternoon! So now I am trying to figure out how to fit that in amongst getting my barn chores done (whether I ride or not) and getting to the gym. All before 3:30 in the afternoon. After that, school's out and it's homework time, dinner time, afterschool activity time, home stuff.
Only so many days in a week. I might have to start working out on the weekends. I have not done so due to my husbands work schedule (travel) and wanting to be home for at least some family time. I've tried to keep "my" activities to weekdays. Although I do work at the barn on Sundays (about 5 hours).
I guess I just need to "talk" this out......sometimes writing it all down helps you gain some perspective.
Some days I just want to go to bed and not wake up for a month. I feel like there needs to be at least 3 of me.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Since it is the great day of love, I thought I'd come up with a few things I love about my husband.
He's honest. Dependable. Hardworking. Reliable. Smart. Steady. Without him I would not have our 2 wonderful boys.
He loves me, in spite of my difficult nature.
He's reasonably good looking.
He's focused, and driven.
Knows his way around a computer! (thank god)
He's not very romantic, but he tells me daily he loves me (his actions show it also), and he kisses me and hugs me too.
He also lets me put my freezing cold toes on him at night!
He's actually a really good teacher! (part of his job is teaching a certain skill set, and when he's in teacher mode, it's a whole different him that comes out). He can also coach (track and field events) and he's good at that too!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
How on earth do you lose a bird? This afternoon I am cleaning our 2 bird cages; refilling water, etc., and I realize our cockatiel is missing. What?!?!?!?!?!!! First thing I do is run for the garbage can, altho how I would 'accidentally' pick him up with the messy paper is beyond me. I searched the garbage twice. I got on my hands and knees looking around in nooks and crannies. I looked up - on the curtain rods, the refrigerator. I looked all over the house for evidence that one of the cats got him. Nothing.
So where did he disappear to?
I am sure he was in the cage this morning. I suppose if he tried hard enough he could get out altho after 10 years that seems unlikely!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Yesterday was my third day of staying away from sweets, junk, snacks for no reason. By afternoon I thought I was going to have a tantrum worthy of a 2-yr old.
We left for swimming lessons, thank goodness, a distraction. Once we came home I was still mulling it over, but decided since dinner was already done and there wasn't much left to do, I'd just go to bed and read a book.
The youngster snuggled in beside me and we read stories, and went to bed early.
Probably the best thing I could have done. I feel better this morning.
Monday night I was cleaning up my bedroom and reorganizing my bookshelves. I came across a journal I started keeping in early 2010; 3 years ago! I only made about 5 entries, but every one of them was multiple pages.
I sat down and read through it last night.
What I discovered is that how I felt then, is still how I feel today. I wrote alot about why I do what I do, why I think the way I think.
Right now in my life I am lucky to have 30 seconds to finish a thought, let alone compose pages worth. (at this moment my oldest is showering, the youngest asleep, the hubby is not home, or else I would not be blogging!)
I found reading through this journal to be an eye-opening reminder of everything I've learned. Not just about food, but about myself. About how I feel when I exercise, when I eat right, when my head is in a good space.
One thing I recently realized is that even shrinks (psychologists, counselors) go talk to somebody else. About their patients, themselves..... how could they not?
If I had to listen to what I can only imagine comes out of peoples mouths in a therapists office, I would jump off a bridge. OH! but wait! I do, every single day! As a wife & mother, I am a full-time, instant access, 24/7 shrink. I am expected to listen, solve, analyze, direct and provide feedback anytime, anywhere.
But who returns the favor? Who do "I" go to? N-O-B-O-D-Y. My husband is the type that flat doesn't want to hear it. Ever. He is not mean about it, he's just that way. What he expects (and has flat out said to me) is that "I wanted you to quit your job so you wouldn't have any stress, so what are you stressing about?".
Not have any stress. Are you serious? What turnip truck did you just fall off? What he REALLY wants is a garbage can - aka me - that he can dump all his stress into, every day, no repercussions, and in return I should just smile, take it, go along with it, make the appropriate 'oh you poor dear' noises................. Hmmmm. We have had a couple discussions about this, and he has acknowledged (but it hasn't changed anything) that he is wrong to think that way, that it is not fair to expect me to be completely stressless.
So where do I go, or what do I do, to relieve the stress being put upon me by other people who expect me to soothe their needs?
I'm blogging........ I exercise - but I'm here to tell you that will only go so far, because your body will break down if you push it too far - I sometimes go face down into the sugar bowl. I also ride my horse. But over the last couple of years, that has not exactly been stress reduction. My horse has some issues of his own that are hard to deal with, plus the barn I board at, rather than be a place of tranquility for me, has turned into a place I don't much enjoy being at anymore. I am working on fixing these, but it will take some time.
In the meantime, a good book is a great place to dive into!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Am I prepared to reach my goals?
Anyone can set a goal but it takes preparation, planning, and motivation to see it through to the end.
I took the SP quiz; according to the questions it asks, I'm only 'sort of' there. I could use help with staying motivated. Well yes, I could.
Alot of times we reach our goals only to feel lost, and then our change turns into a temporary thing, rather than a permanent lifestyle change.
This is a goal, yes, but it is not an end in and of itself. It is simply a means to an end. The end being how I choose to live the rest of my life.
Will I help aging and poor health concerns to dig in deep and dictate how I live out my life, or will I do everything in my power to prevent the preventable and minimize the impact the rest has on me?
HOW will I accomplish this? I am sure it goes far and away beyond just eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and exercising.
Education is a start. I read everything I can get ahold of. I take it all in context - it's somebody's theory, idea, there's proof in some situations but not in all. Underscoring every nugget of information I uncover is this: We are all INDIVIDUALS, and what works for one does not work for your neighbor, your mother, your brother.
Nourishing myself outside of what I eat is a big issue for me. I fall flat on my face with this almost every single day. This is an area I need alot of help in, but I don't really know where to get that help, or even what I should ask for.
One idea would be to re-ignite my yoga practice, and rather than have it be vigorous, slow it down and take the time to really feel it and listen to what my entire self is telling me. Read the 'mental/spirit/emotion' articles in Yoga Journal, as well as some other inspirational and philosophical books I have.
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