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OBSIDIANFIRE's Recent Blog Entries
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Thursday, February 14, 2013
Since it is the great day of love, I thought I'd come up with a few things I love about my husband.
He's honest. Dependable. Hardworking. Reliable. Smart. Steady. Without him I would not have our 2 wonderful boys.
He loves me, in spite of my difficult nature.
He's reasonably good looking.
He's focused, and driven.
Knows his way around a computer! (thank god)
He's not very romantic, but he tells me daily he loves me (his actions show it also), and he kisses me and hugs me too.
He also lets me put my freezing cold toes on him at night!
He's actually a really good teacher! (part of his job is teaching a certain skill set, and when he's in teacher mode, it's a whole different him that comes out). He can also coach (track and field events) and he's good at that too!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
How on earth do you lose a bird? This afternoon I am cleaning our 2 bird cages; refilling water, etc., and I realize our cockatiel is missing. What?!?!?!?!?!!! First thing I do is run for the garbage can, altho how I would 'accidentally' pick him up with the messy paper is beyond me. I searched the garbage twice. I got on my hands and knees looking around in nooks and crannies. I looked up - on the curtain rods, the refrigerator. I looked all over the house for evidence that one of the cats got him. Nothing.
So where did he disappear to?
I am sure he was in the cage this morning. I suppose if he tried hard enough he could get out altho after 10 years that seems unlikely!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Yesterday was my third day of staying away from sweets, junk, snacks for no reason. By afternoon I thought I was going to have a tantrum worthy of a 2-yr old.
We left for swimming lessons, thank goodness, a distraction. Once we came home I was still mulling it over, but decided since dinner was already done and there wasn't much left to do, I'd just go to bed and read a book.
The youngster snuggled in beside me and we read stories, and went to bed early.
Probably the best thing I could have done. I feel better this morning.
Monday night I was cleaning up my bedroom and reorganizing my bookshelves. I came across a journal I started keeping in early 2010; 3 years ago! I only made about 5 entries, but every one of them was multiple pages.
I sat down and read through it last night.
What I discovered is that how I felt then, is still how I feel today. I wrote alot about why I do what I do, why I think the way I think.
Right now in my life I am lucky to have 30 seconds to finish a thought, let alone compose pages worth. (at this moment my oldest is showering, the youngest asleep, the hubby is not home, or else I would not be blogging!)
I found reading through this journal to be an eye-opening reminder of everything I've learned. Not just about food, but about myself. About how I feel when I exercise, when I eat right, when my head is in a good space.
One thing I recently realized is that even shrinks (psychologists, counselors) go talk to somebody else. About their patients, themselves..... how could they not?
If I had to listen to what I can only imagine comes out of peoples mouths in a therapists office, I would jump off a bridge. OH! but wait! I do, every single day! As a wife & mother, I am a full-time, instant access, 24/7 shrink. I am expected to listen, solve, analyze, direct and provide feedback anytime, anywhere.
But who returns the favor? Who do "I" go to? N-O-B-O-D-Y. My husband is the type that flat doesn't want to hear it. Ever. He is not mean about it, he's just that way. What he expects (and has flat out said to me) is that "I wanted you to quit your job so you wouldn't have any stress, so what are you stressing about?".
Not have any stress. Are you serious? What turnip truck did you just fall off? What he REALLY wants is a garbage can - aka me - that he can dump all his stress into, every day, no repercussions, and in return I should just smile, take it, go along with it, make the appropriate 'oh you poor dear' noises................. Hmmmm. We have had a couple discussions about this, and he has acknowledged (but it hasn't changed anything) that he is wrong to think that way, that it is not fair to expect me to be completely stressless.
So where do I go, or what do I do, to relieve the stress being put upon me by other people who expect me to soothe their needs?
I'm blogging........ I exercise - but I'm here to tell you that will only go so far, because your body will break down if you push it too far - I sometimes go face down into the sugar bowl. I also ride my horse. But over the last couple of years, that has not exactly been stress reduction. My horse has some issues of his own that are hard to deal with, plus the barn I board at, rather than be a place of tranquility for me, has turned into a place I don't much enjoy being at anymore. I am working on fixing these, but it will take some time.
In the meantime, a good book is a great place to dive into!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Am I prepared to reach my goals?
Anyone can set a goal but it takes preparation, planning, and motivation to see it through to the end.
I took the SP quiz; according to the questions it asks, I'm only 'sort of' there. I could use help with staying motivated. Well yes, I could.
Alot of times we reach our goals only to feel lost, and then our change turns into a temporary thing, rather than a permanent lifestyle change.
This is a goal, yes, but it is not an end in and of itself. It is simply a means to an end. The end being how I choose to live the rest of my life.
Will I help aging and poor health concerns to dig in deep and dictate how I live out my life, or will I do everything in my power to prevent the preventable and minimize the impact the rest has on me?
HOW will I accomplish this? I am sure it goes far and away beyond just eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and exercising.
Education is a start. I read everything I can get ahold of. I take it all in context - it's somebody's theory, idea, there's proof in some situations but not in all. Underscoring every nugget of information I uncover is this: We are all INDIVIDUALS, and what works for one does not work for your neighbor, your mother, your brother.
Nourishing myself outside of what I eat is a big issue for me. I fall flat on my face with this almost every single day. This is an area I need alot of help in, but I don't really know where to get that help, or even what I should ask for.
One idea would be to re-ignite my yoga practice, and rather than have it be vigorous, slow it down and take the time to really feel it and listen to what my entire self is telling me. Read the 'mental/spirit/emotion' articles in Yoga Journal, as well as some other inspirational and philosophical books I have.
Saturday, February 09, 2013
Today's assignment is to list all the reasons you want to lose weight. What do you want to change? How do you want to look? How do you want to feel? What things will you be able to do in the future with a slimmer healthier body? And list all the OTHER things that you want to change!
========== My knees will feel better. My blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, and all those other little things you can't see, will stay good or better. I will not turn into my Mother; taking all kinds of meds for this that and the other thing. I want my clothes to fit right. I want to actually look like I work out as hard as I do. I don't want to be embarrassed to go to the doctors office. I want to be the mother whose kids are not embarrassed to say 'that's my Mom'. I want to set a good example for my family. I want to feel good, inside and out, in my brain as well as in my body.
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\\\\\\\For the purpose of this assignment a Trigger Food is defined as the one that gets you off course and you are not eating because you are truly hungry. A Trigger Situation is where you are, who you are with and what you are doing when this happens. Example – you are home alone, watching TV and you eat a cookie, then another and soon you are looting the kitchen for anything that looks good. Or you had good intentions about going out for dinner with a friend, but a high calorie appetizer and then a big dessert also landed in front of you. An hour later you regret that the binge and don’t even want to think how many calories you just consumed! You tell yourself, I know better, why did I do? I won’t do that again!
Let's assess the Triggers -
List ALL your trigger foods. Is it a snack food or part of a meal? Are they sweet or salty? Hot, cold or room temperature? Carbs, comfort foods?
================ Come one, come all. Most likely to be something sweet, and lately I will overthrow healthy food in order to have room for sugar. Not a good pattern, and very unlike me.
What are the sources of the Triggers Foods? Is it a fast food restaurant? Drive thru? Food you order in? Grocery store? Convenience store? Meals at family or friends? Co-workers birthday cake? Treats from others?
===========You name it, I got it. I can bake, I can buy, I can receive!
Describe the most common situations where you reach for the trigger foods or snacks. What room are you in, what time is it, what are you doing, who is with you, and how do you feel? Are you tired? Are you eating to feel better? Are you rewarding yourself? Soothing yourself? Are you bored? By getting the food how does it make what you are doing better? What should you be doing at that time?
===============Most likely to be later afternoon; while making dinner or just after. Almost always by myself because I don't want to 'share' nor do I want my kids to see me. The only thing I've identified so far as a trigger is frustration. Over any number of things, but they are things that I have to deal with, yet have only minor amounts of control over. Choices I need to make, people I am going to disappoint, things I have to do that I don't want to do, a schedule I need to adjust but feel locked in to.......all sorts of things. And very little in the way of stress relief.
Do you see a pattern? What types of foods are you reaching for? Does convenient access make a difference? How can you better handle the situations to avoid the triggers and not binge or eat more than you should.
=============Yes, I am out of control. This is me on a binge: eyes closed, running full tilt toward a cliff, knowing full well I'm going over, and unable to rein myself in.
Convenience is huge. But then again, it takes all of 10 minutes to whip up a batch of brownies, sooooo............?
That is what this assignment is about - how will you not do that again? Can you pick a replacement habit or behavior that will cause you to pause, and think do I really want to do this, and why? Maybe it would help to walk away from the trigger - drink water, go for a walk, phone a friend, go outside, look out the window, brush your teeth, or play with your pet? Be consistent so you can develop the new habit.
=================== there's a big change I feel I need to make in my life, but I am not sure it is "the" change I need to make. I am having trouble deciding if this change I want to make is just because I'm frustrated with other things, or if this really is the thing that needs to change. And given that it will be a large change in many ways, I need to weigh it carefully before I plunge in. Why am I so unhappy and is this the answer or is it a case of "wherever I go, there I am"?
Write out your strategy to avoid the Triggers. Maybe it’s baby steps to get you started or moderation. Don’t be a perfectionist. Consider most of the time you will get it right.
What did you learn from doing this assignment? Anything else to add?
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\\\\\List YOUR reasons/excuses on why YOUR diets and exercise plans have not been well executed in the past. OK that might be too long a list, so give 3 or 4 reasons and for each write a strategy that will keep you on track for 8 weeks. Let's learn from our past behaviors and make this our best Challenge ever!
==============when I saw this on another sparker's blog, my comment was that I don't like to come out about my goals. Any goals. First off, I do NOT like being in the spotlight. So opening my mouth about something - especially important to me - would be lighting a match to myself. Secondly, I fail far more often that I succeed, so what would be the point? I try to make plans, good plans, but then a day later, heck an hour later, I've thrown them out because I just know "I can't". Plus, it seems these days I can't get 30 seconds to myself to think things all the way through; kinda hard to make good plans when you can't think them out.
My exercise habits are firmly in place, tho, and that's a good thing. No worries there!
It is hard to make new habits, new routines, when there is no support. It seems the harder I try, the more everything/one around me tries to derail it. I lose 10 lbs, the hubby says let's have date night and go out to dinner. Excuse me? Trying to fix one thing for everybody else and another for yourself? Yes, sure, I want to cook pancakes and bacon for all of you and a cup of yogurt for myself. Well, I do it, breakfast I don't mind it at all. Lunch, I get by because by then everyone is at school so it's just me, but all the same I'm flying to get here or there or pick up the youngster on time. Dinner, or rather when I walk in the house sometime after 3 pm, I lose it. I NEVER used to watch TV, now that's all I want to do. Dinner, I can snack my way thru the afternoon clear until and beyond dinner. Just watch me. I am flying off the cliff with my eyes closed and I just don't care.
I am up-ending all my hard work, losing over 100# was not easy and I really don't want to have to do it again. So why am I doing this to myself? Why cut my nose off to spite my face? I am so terribly angry and disappointed in my body for letting me down - the arthritis in the knees - I wonder will I ever run again? Or will it be like it is now - a struggle just to walk - for the rest of my life? So, this is how I handle it? By feeding myself junk and gaining weight I can ill afford? Coping skills are something I sadly lack. I never learned them growing up and apparently I still have not.
There's a board at our gym with the top mens and ladies lifts: dead lift, bench press, squats. A couple of those lifts, I know I could beat if I put my mind to it and work at it. And I might, work at it. But I won't tell anybody, and I sure as hell won't get my name on the board. Why not? Because I'm so afraid of failing, and I'm afraid of the social exposure. I don't know what to say to people when they comment or ask about things! I'm polite, but one-word answers don't really invite further conversation. And I'm not an exhibitionist, and the lifts have to be witnessed, so forget that.
What to do, what to do, what to do................
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