Tuesday, October 28, 2014
I had a very emotional past two days that I don't really want to go into. The weird thing is that I'm not hungry--actually the opposite, I really don't want to eat. I think I'm too stressed to eat.
I just found out I am 2 classes away from graduating. This is great news if I felt ready for it, or if I had faith in my degrees. But I fear that I really need my Japanese degree more than I need my Art degree with a Film Studies minor. It's something I'll have to think more on and keep trying to figure out.
Monday, October 27, 2014
I looked at my calorie differential over time, and I should have lost 2.5 pounds of pure fat. I told my husband this, and he answered with what I was thinking: "That's great! Now let's see if your PCOS will let you do it."
And that's true. This has never been a numbers game for me. It's never been "what goes in" verses "what goes out." It has been a "find the magic formula" game, a "what is the right nutrients to track" puzzle, a "what foods actual help *me* lose weight" quiz.
And what works for others, doesn't work for me. Low carb, low fat, no carb, healthy fat---I'm so used to gaining weight every time I start a diet because my body rejects these "miracle" solutions. And if something is going to make a person quit every time, it's misery without results.
That's why this time I don't have a scale. I don't have a way to track myself daily other than through sparkpeople. I can see the logic, and take it with a grain of salt: my body is not logical. At the end of the month, I will weigh in again, and see where this road is taking me. My starting point is up on the fridge, all my measurements. I really need to update my photo to a new "before" photo. Looking at that girl, I see a potential "after." I also see myself in there: somebody strong enough to do this, and somebody hopeful.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
I found another reason I'm hitting my calories so high but feelings so hungry: my calorie count is off for my Halloween candy (although, as my friend reminded me, "You're not supposed to be using candy for calories.") In any case, my candy is listed as double what it actually is on the label, so I won't eat so much real food because I'm hitting my calorie limit so early. The result was I binged on candy for a while, but I think I'm ready to be done for the season. We're giving our candy to people at work who won't be able to take their kids trick or treating this season, so I shouldn't feel bad that I'm done with my candy almost a week early. People never trick or treat at our house, either, though we decorate and have fun. And I don't feel bad about binging this time: I stayed within my calorie limit again, and I enjoyed my treat. I had more than I should have, but I enjoyed every bite.
I finally found my "shared diet and exercise" tracker, and discovered what it looks like. It's not so obvious for my totals but it's helpful for me to ask others for advice. I have a few friends who have done the health journey before me, and a few family members who are doing it now, too. I have a good support group, including medical professionals, to help me see this through.
I'm really beginning to miss my scale, though I know logically that this obsession with weight is not healthy. I want to see results, and that is the easiest way to try to judge them. Unfortunately, it's also the least reliable way for me---I never lose weight. I lose inches, I get healthy, but losing weight is always the last step for me. And then I give up. So it's a good thing I don't have a scale right now. I'm halfway through the second week, I don't need to be giving up now.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
I think I figured out what was up with my hunger yesterday. I looked at my calorie differential over time report, and it steadily declined until it was well below my recommended calories. I was hungry because I haven't been eating enough. I woke up hungry, so instead of indulging on snacks, I heartened up my breakfast, making sure I got enough protein, fat, and fiber. I'm also watching my water intake today, making sure I stay hydrated.
Homework days are dreary, and I tend to want to sleep through them, but I have yet another midterm (I missed one because I had food poisoning and they're willing to let me make it up) so I have to study eventually. I like to combine exercise with studying, get two boring activities out of the way at the same time. Plus you feel amazing afterward, if you're not ready to collapse on the floor. It's how I managed to complete a cross-fitness challenge last semester. Plus the lightening is so much better at the campus gym, it really wakes you up.
I hope everybody is having a great day!
Friday, October 24, 2014
It's been a rough day to keep under the calorie count. I've been hungry all day, only feeling sated while actively eating. Not the strongest start to week two. Does anybody have recommendations for all-day hunger? Perhaps some water or broth, though I'm watching my sodium. I find myself slipping back into my bad habits, eating a couple of pudding cups and a handful of Halloween candy. Processed food is another thing I'm trying to avoid. I'm currently cooking dinner, lentil burgers, and I *think* I can stay under the calorie count. If I go over, I'm not going to feel bad: I can recover from it.
I also was exhausted all day. I slept 10 hours last night and took a four hour nap today. I'm guessing I needed the sleep, because I woke up feeling refreshed and clear-headed about my homework.
I wonder if they are connected? Maybe I'm severely dehydrated.
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