Saturday, July 21, 2012
I haven't blogged all year (it's late July), but it doesn't mean I wasn't active.
I joined a 24 hour gym in...I believe it was April...and have been attending periodically. It's much easier to head up there any time I want as opposed to trying to fit gym time into my night schedule where I might sleep straight through their open hours.
I also had to take a hiking class this summer. I don't normally do summer semesters, but I was literally 7 credit hours away from graduation: knowing this, I saved some of my financial aid from spring semester. I will be graduating next Friday with my Associates in Arts Transfer degree. I ended up taking 8 credit hours, because I redid a computer class I hadn't handled well in the past (3 credits), a required math course (3 credits) and there weren't any 1 credit courses I could take, so I ended up taking the two credit hiking course. I was nervous, since my heart is still not normal (that's being worked with), but I needed those credits. (I also didn't tell my councilor about it, since she makes me feel so ashamed for other different-abilities, like my bi-polar disorder.)
Well, in order to pass, you had to do 4 hikes out of five. Turns out my teacher could only fit three hikes in, anyway, because of the weather on our coast.
But I did seven hikes.
I did the three that they went on, and I did a fourth on my own. Only one did I have serious difficulties with, and I refuse to ever do that one again (at least, at that pace anyway.) But I needed to redo the two that I had forgotten my camera on. And I also did one independent hike, which my teacher told me to do because of my heart condition, he didn't think I'd do well on the one that kept being postponed because of the weather. The first time, I didn't have my camera, so I had to redo that one as well.
I did seven hikes in a two month span.
And since I felt so out of shape compared to my classmates (who likes being the biggest in a PE type class? Nobody, I bet) I kept hitting the gym every few days to up my endurance.
I have done almost half my workout minutes for the year. I don't think I have ever come that close to my goals. Most of those minutes were from the past two months. I had to take a screen shot of the graph to prove it to myself.
So, while I fell off the face of Sparkpeople, I haven't given up or given in.
I did reach a new high weight, but I immediately dropped five pounds and maintained it. So now my next goal is another five pounds.
There is something else, something I was thinking about last night.
A little over a year ago, I realized I had too much on my plate. I needed to get back into school (I was going to be on accademic probation when I did return), I needed to finish unpacking and cleaning my house (we'd lived there for over a year!), I was under constant stress at my work, where I did the work of three people and was constantly being yelled at by customers, and I was tense in my marriage, not to mention my mental health and my newly discovered heart condition. To ask me to diet and exercise and focus on weight loss? Please!
So, I figured I'd work on a few things at a time. My husband allowed me to quit that job and return to school, and he would go to school part-time. This cleared up a lot of stress in our marriage, allowed me to develop a support system, and I excelled in school, marking another thing off my list. I also was free weekends, and so I could unpack the house. I could clean individual rooms, but they never stayed very clean.
My husband and I are incredibly close and happy at the moment. We just celebrated our 7th year of being a couple this week. I'm graduating, with all my credits except for College Algebra being As (I got a C in MAT 160). And I realized that my house is being maintained at a cleaner level--while not sparkling (yet) it's actually pretty nice.
So that means...that my check list is completely cleaned off. Next on the list is my weight.
I'm not at a point where I can diet. Adjusting my intake of calories, fats, and simple carbs will have to be addressed, eventually, but not right now. I can't handle it right now. It's still my crutch, still my addiction, and I need it too bad. I generally eat healthier around the house, there isn't cookies or candy, and my snacks are things like unsalted almonds in their hundred calorie packs. I eat too large of portions, and I eat less frequently than I have before (about twice a day).
Those are all things I will have to take care of.
But I'm not ready to right now. Right now, I want to accomplish goals I can see. I want to increase my endurance. I want to increase my strength. I want my lung capacity to be more, I want to increase my walking speed, I want to know that I'm getting better.
I may never be any smaller than the size I am now. And that's actually okay with me. I may never be lighter. That's alright. I just want to be healthier. I want to be fit. If weightloss is a side effect, that's great. But I'm more concerned about making a healhier habit at the moment.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Again, my blog was erased. Yay.
I'm halfway through the first month. In another fifteen or sixteen days, I will be measuring my inches. I haven't been weighing myself in over a week, and that is bad, since my morning weigh in is what keeps my health in the forefront of my mind, keeping me on track with my conscious choices. This week has been difficult, to say the least, on my diet plan, and on top of that, I'm on the cusp of retaining the most fluid this month, thus making me at my heaviest for the month.
I've lost a pound and a half.
And I'm shocked. Again, since I'm so close to being at my heaviest time of month and have had trouble keeping to my eating plan, I thought I'd weigh MORE than I did, but yet, not only have I maintained, I've lost.
This past week's diet (and by diet I mean what I eat period, not what I eat to lose weight), has been strange because 1) It was not adjusted to my body's timing, thus screwing up how much I ate through the day, 2) I did a religious fast for Christmas, followed by a feast.
First, the timing issue: I was starving by the time the third hour rolled around, and ended up being dissatisfied with what I was allowed to eat, which if I hadn't been so hungry, would have been an ample amount of food. So I adjusted two things: I ate heavier in the morning, with more fats and proteins, and I at two hours apart, instead of three. It worked so well I wasn't finishing my allotted food, which was good, because I wasn't the only one in this house who was stress eating: the husband would come home, not feel like cooking for himself, and since he knows that I'm cooking food that is for my weightloss, hasn't been asking me to cook for him either. So, we were eating out a lot this week. He forgot he was ordering for me every time, too.
Second, the holidays: I can't fast in the sense of having no calories and nothing to drink, because of several different health issues. I compromised by drinking the 5 calorie per serving broth and bottles of PowerAid, which didn't have many calories. I was actually feeling pretty good until the end, when my head hurt badly and my emotions were swinging darkly. When my husband arrived home, I was still cooking our meal, and ended up eating a great deal of food. I had deveolped a cold that day (of course) and in the morning, we discovered I had undercooked something, because we both had a nice case of food poisening.
So that explains up to this past Sunday. The rest of my time not tracking my food intake was spent with me forgetting to eat, and then grabbing a handful of Oreos and a 100 calorie pack of almonds when I was hungry. Some of my fruit and vegetables went bad. I didn't have to buy groceries because I still had bunches left from the first week. My health food is also the only food in the house, so it's not like I was eating chips and TV dinners all week: I just wasn't eating, too chill with writing, drawing, cleaning, and internet to be bothered with hunger.
A lack of stress eating is a wonderful thing.
I'm having trouble adjusting my sleep schedual still, but I'm working on it. Classes start in two weekends and a week, I need to be on the complete opposite schedual I currently am on.
I'd rather have a steady weight loss of .75 pounds a week for the next few years than to lose ten pounds and gain fifteen back every month.
Just keep swimming.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Well, yesterday had less headaches, no shakiness, less ADD/disassociation issues. I also wasn't very hungry, and ended up not finishing what had been set aside for that day's food. I still ate my minimum, so I'm not worried.
I think my diving into my creativity helped a lot. I've recently changed my major to Fine Art instead of Performing Art. I think I'd still like to work in animation, eventually. I wrote two chapters in a fanfic I've been working on, and continued a drawing related to it.
Also, I purchased my entrance badges for a convention I REALLY want to go to. It's called Ichabod (Or is it Ichibon?) Con, and my favorite voice actor is going to be there! I have some merchandise from several different series he works on, and I hope to get him to sign them! They were my wedding anniversery and my birthday gifts, and neither are even a month past yet. One is a wall scroll (think poster but made of fabric) and the other is the manga (comic book) of the TV series.
I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm waking up earlier and earlier every day, which is a good habit for me since I have an 8:00 class next semester.
So, on to day 3!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Addiction is in the head. That's like saying depression is in the head...it's all mind and chemical related.
Everybody is different and is going to react to things differently. Some people are responcible, some are abusive, and some are addicted, and sometimes one can lead to the others.
When your body finds something it likes, it floods your head with chemicals that make you happy. If the physical reaction is powerful enough, you'll have a high followed by a low, where you've run out of the chemicals. If you immidiatly try to replace the low with another high, it's easier to get hooked. That's why there are so many addictions that have come to light, like sex and gambling. It has to do with how your brain reacts to the simulie.
At least, that's what I've learned living with addicts, working in a casino, and studying into to psychology. Keep in mind, I'm not a doctor.
I'm a responcible drinker. I waited until legal age, and don't drink often or get drunk. I could easily never drink again in my life, if I chose that. There are bottles of alcohol in my house that are almost never touched.
I was on a highly addictive anti-anxiety medicine that I abused. I was supposed to use it less than once a week, and I was using it nightly. I was having panic attacks nightly, so I took the pill. The reason I was having panic attacks was because the pill had finally worked its way out of my system, and my body was reacting. When I realized I was abusing the medician, I stopped taking it cold turkey, delt with one night of discomfort, and was through. I finished my perscription as dirrected, using them rarely, and only one, and only when I was so badly paniced I probably could have gone to ER.
Yesturday, I couldn't find my tunafish. I was to have half a can with my lunch. I started tossing items all over my kitchen, looking for it franticly. My hands were shaking, my head was pounding, and all day I couldn't focus: I would complete a chore halfway, forget what I was doing, and start something else. And now I couldn't find my tuna. I growled at the cluttered counter before me: "Don't hold out on me, I know you have my tuna, where is it?"
I wish I were exagerating.
After I ate, I was slightly calmer, my head hurt slightly less, my hands weren't shaking. My blood sugar had been fine during the incident. I was hydrated properly. There was no physical reason for me to be flipping my lid on my kitchen.
To which I thought, "Oh, effe...withdrawls, right? Detox....I am addicted to food."
To which I replyed: "Duh. You've been abusing food since you hit puberty. You ate because you were lonely and had a lousy home life and you were bullied at school. Food made you feel good. You ate until you matched your friends weights in highschool. You gained most of your weight when you were battling your bipolar disorder, mostly when you were depressed. Your abuse has let you get hooked."
To which another part of me stood up and walked to the front of the room. "Alright. We know you're blood sugar is fine. You are eating six small meals a day. You are eating the right amount of calories, carbs, proteins, and fats. Ladies, we know the facts. We also know that within a week, you can start breaking down the bonds that hold you. This week might be uncomfortable, it's true. But we can do this! Get through this day without eating that package of Oreos. That is your goal. That is your MISSION. Focus on this one day!"
It was hard. I had asked my husband to dole out those Oreos daily, and to hide the package. He refused, and demanded that I grow strong, because otherwise I would be hunting the house for that package. So it sits in front of the Christmas tree, on our coffee station that we do not use. And though I ached so badly for those cookies, I held strong. At the end of the night, after I had finished my meals. I walked over to the package, and pulled out 3 cookies. I suddenly realized I'd completely forgotten about the 8 oz milk I was allowed with dinner. I stood in my kitchen, with my milk and my cookies, and almost moaned aloud because of how good they were.
But I got through day one. I stuck to my resolve.
Let's focus on day 2.
Friday, December 16, 2011
I just had a nice, enticing blog entry. And it was just erased. :(
Day one. I know it's the middle of the holidays, but I'm not waiting for January 1st just to become another lost resolution. I make this choice now. Actually, I made this choice last Friday, because I figured I could go grocery shopping on Wednsday. I was able to pick up groceries yesturday, so here I am today, bright and ready to start this new life. I have just made and eaten a nice breakfast, and have a timer set for my next glass of water and a different timer set for my next meal.
As I was making my breakfast, that voice, the one that sneers and condenscends and is just plain mean, wanted to know excatly what I thought I was doing, besides wasting money.
It's true that the groceries were expensive. I've stocked the house with lots of fruits and vegetables and lean protein and healthy fats. I finally recieved my finacial aid this semester (the last week of the semester) and I have spent literally months, maybe over a year, working on this day. I laid out the plan with 10 different fruits and veggies I'd actually eat, and broke my day down into 5 small meals and lots of water breaks. I have two small treats each day: 1/4 of a serving of dark chocolate in the morning, and a serving of Oreo Cookies at night. It's a mostly pescatarian diet, with wild caught fish being the only meat I plan on eating. It's not strict, I'll still eat other meat when I eat out. That's another part of the plan: as my husband is almost ALWAYS with me when I eat out, I've delegated my menu to him. Every time we eat out, he orders for me. I must have halved my calories in the past two days alone. He keeps in mind that I'm hungry, though, and orders me low or no cal appatizers, such as the broth mushroom soup when we had Japanese. I've lost a good deal of weight on this lifestyle before, and I know that it's something I can maintain in the long run.
But you didn't keep that weight off, sneers the voice, and you didn't maintain that lifestyle.
Well, no, I didn't. I listened to somebody else's opinion, instead of the facts that were working. I switched from this diet that I could easily follow and adapt to my needs, to the South Beach diet, which was incompatible with me and difficult to follow. Of course I relapsed into my old habits, and the two medications I was on at the time didn't help me keep from gaining, either.
Look, voice, let's just keep focused here. Why don't we work on some small goal, say the first ten pounds? We've reached a new high, 273, why don't we work our way back down to 263, which was where we were maintaining this past year? Then we'll focus on 253, which is what we weighed all last year. Then we'll go ahead and aim for 243. You remember 243, don't you? That's the last clear memory of resisting weight gain we had.
I'm not even worried about the ultimate goal of 165. I'll worry about 165 when I hit 175. Heck, I'll worry about being 199 when I'm at 210.
I just want to be able to fit in my largest pair of pants without them cutting off my circulation. We can do that, can't we, voice? If we reach 263, they'll fit again. And that's all I want right now. Eventually, we'll reach beneath 250, and we can start using the treadmille with some precautions again.
I know this will work, voice. I know it will because it worked in the past, and my body reacts quite well to it. Our brain is quite happy, with less moodswings. Our body is rested and strong on it, not weak and hungry and stressed. We can do this. Just give it time. No more critizing and whining.
No more excuses.
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