Friday, December 19, 2014
We are technically a quarter of the way through my 40 week fitness challenge. I don't think I've actually lost anything. I haven't weighed in in quite a while. I finished my final projects two weeks ago, and finished my finals last week. It's been a rough semester, and next semester is going to be even harder, with an additional class, and possibly a part-time job.
You will note that I'm actually counting the last ten weeks, even though I haven't checked in in five. I don't really have a good explanation for this, except that this is a big project and I'm tired of "I fell off the wagon, I'll start again tomorrow from the beginning." I'm tired of beginnings. I want to see the ending for once. I don't need to be perfect. I can fall off the wagon. But I'm getting right back on, not going around to the front of the race again and again and again. It's bloody frustrating to do it that way.
At the end of these forty weeks, I'm heading to Japan. That's the plan, at least. I'm going to be studying for a semester abroad. It's part of why I'm obsessed with my current end date. There is going to be big life changing events for me at the end of it, and I want to be at my best when I face it. People judge based on looks, and as an American, being stereotypically overweight is not my best foot forward.
I really hate the stereotypes that go with being fat. There is this idea that people are lazy and stupid. Never mind my multiple degrees, successful marriage, my dual major---I'm considered worthless and useless because of my weight.
I guess we all have our biases.
It doesn't make it any easier.
I've been planning on how to handle next semester, diet wise. I have MWF packed with classes. TThSat are for studying. I can see where I'll be fitting my exercise in, but it's not so clear where to fit a part-time job in. As for food, there are times I'll be able to grab a snack between classes and a meal break before Japanese (luckily). I figure after classes I'll have a small snack and work out for an hour before heading home to cook dinner. I think frozen, single portion veggies are going to be my friend, and grabbing veggies on the way to school will be my strategy guide. Maybe a V8 with a sandwich during lunch. Dried and freeze-dried fruit is also my lifesaver.
So, I'm back on the wagon. See you tomorrow.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
No promises. Just effort.
It's a crunch week at school, with lots of projects I'm paranoid about, plus my brother is moving in this week and my husband and I's anniversary is Thursday.
I'm going to try to stay on track, but I am known for both eating for energy and stress starving myself. I also know I'm going to indulge at least a few times to get through the week--life is so much easier with a little fine chocolate and the occasional donut and latte. On the up side, my stomach seems to have shrunk, so I can't binge at the same rate---I stop much earlier. I'm going to eat my healthy food first, and make sure my hunger and hydration are sated before saying that I want something unhealthy. Today I packed my lunch and am heading to the library. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
It's been 28 days since I started this journey, and that means it's weigh in day. Technically, the scale moved down 4.25 pounds, but last week my doctor's scale said I was down an additional 3. I was on a bland diet, and all those carbs really made me feel heavier. Added to the fact that when I *could* eat food again, I was indulging in fast and fatty foods, it's a wonder I didn't gain more.
However, I lost a lot.
I lost a total of 13.5 inches these past 28 days, and five of those were from my thigh alone. In fact, my thighs are at their smallest ever, and my waist is only an inch over its smallest measurement. Everything was down, most an inch or two, one a half inch, but over all it was successful.
I've been walking on air all day. I've been more outgoing and energetic and positive because of how great I'm feeling over the success .My husband challenged me to compare today's measurements not to last month's, but to the largests. If you go back to my largest measurements, I've lost over 43 inches total. It's not entirely accurate, because every body part was largest at a different time, but it does put things into perspective. If I were going by the scale alone, I'd be giving up, yet again. I cannot lose weight.
But I can be skinnier and healthier.
And, as a friend I look up to reminded me, the scale will catch up.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
So, today, I did my contractual work, and I sent an introductory email to a professor, trying to get into his class. It's restricted to Music majors, but I have four Film Studies Doctors who could potentially vouch for me, so I'm HOPING. Please, PLEASE, cross your fingers for me. This is an important class for me.
My husband blew the head gasket on his car on Saturday, so we're in a pinch right now. We're arguing over if we should bother keeping my car, since it hasn't ran in several years now. I LOVE that car, I love the way it handles, I love the size, I love the texture of the seats---I just love that car. And right now, it's helping us stay in two vehicles, even if it's not running very reliably. But he wants to get rid of it. I entertained the thought for a full day, and am dissatisfied with the idea. Especially since I won't be getting another car out of dismissing the first one. We'd be down to two vehicles (one of which needs the engine rebuilt, see above) and the next time we get a car it'd be exactly the same case: he'd pick it out, he'd drive it, and I'd be stuck with this little Centra who stalls mid intersection and handles like a broadsword. He doesn't understand why I hate this little car. It always has his tools in it, it's tiny, it's cramped, it just doesn't feel right, even if we ignore it's dangerous. It's marginally reliable, I'll give it that. But only barely. We have to repair it on a regular basis.
What I want is to spend some money on a vehicle that is younger than 20 years. But I'm in debt with medical bills and credit cards from the medical bills as it is, and I don't make money right now. If I had a steady income, I could justify purchasing a new car. As of right now, it's just me thinking we'd might as well spend the money we spend on repairs on something new instead.
Saturday, November 08, 2014
It's not in a wrap. It's not in a pill. It's not in a gimmick or a quick fix.
It's in set ups and set backs and setting down the burdens that hold you back. It's in blood and sweat and tears and anguish and frustration. It's in elation and joy and surprises. It's in steps forward and steps back and it's in the cha-cha of life. It's hard and it's worth it.
It's in me. And it's in you.
"You know you can't keep lettin' it get you down
And you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around.
If there ain't all that much to lug around,
Better run like hell when you hit the ground."
--OK GO, "This Too Shall Pass"
I had a set back today. It's been a rough week, not just what with being sick but between classes and getting grades back and struggling with projects I just don't have energy. I slept for something like 16 hours today. I also had therapy yesterday, we're addressing my PTSD for the first time ever. If you don't think that was draining, you're sadly mistaken.
I think not logging in and blogging has also had an effect on me. Mind you, I haven't really had time to check in, but getting everything out in blue and....a lighter shade of blue...well, it's black and white in the end....getting everything out in black and white makes it easier to carry.
Success is in burdens. We carry our baggage: excess weight, painful memories, biased opinions of others. And we run anyway. We hit the ground and we're going because what choice do we have? We're winners. We're succeeders. We're going to get out there and change our lives and we're not going to let anything stop us for long, and slowly we set down one piece of baggage at a time. And every time we put down a piece, that's success.
And sometimes it's way too much.
And that's what our friends and family and SparkPeople is here for. Our fellow Sparks make sure we're okay and staying on track, aiming for those goals, and celebrating the small successes.
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