Monday, October 20, 2014
I went over my calorie range yesterday, by a mere 50 calories. And I feel good about it. I ate because I was hungry and emotional, and I ate food that wasn't on the diet, and I STILL feel good about it. I went under my calorie goals the past few days, and I think that's *why* I was emotional: I was short on calories, short on energy. I felt so much better after eating, and I STILL stayed within a reasonable calorie count. I am PROUD of my progress. I didn't binge. I indulged.
I didn't binge.
That is a huge step for me. Usually I follow the calorie count and then, at the end of the day, I double it if I'm hungry or emotional. And when I saw that I had reached my limit on calories today, I STOPPED. I didn't get another fun-sized candy bar. The day was not wasted. And calorie differential over time, I'm doing EXCELLENT. Heck, if I had exercised today instead of studying (or with my studying) I could have easily fit those last fifty calories in. Since I have been exercising and I have been going under, I can fit a few fun sized candy bars and a couple of pudding cups and that brownie and chia latte (NOT all at once: spaced evenly through the day into two snacks and lunch.) I ended up eating my lunch for dinner and having that brownie and latte with a lunchable for lunch.
And another thing I'm proud of: I RECORDED my calories! I looked up the items as I ate them and I spaced my meals and I am NOT hungry and I am NOT craving anything. I am doing good. I replaced my healthy snacks with sweets and I am OKAY.
Moderation in all things. That was today's lesson.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
I should mention I've lost a few pounds. Three, to be specific. In the week after my surgery, I put myself on a soft, bland, mostly liquid diet. It helped me shed three pounds before my Week One Day One weigh in.
Speaking of which, I looked at the inches I've gained, and it really isn't bad. An inch here, an inch there--what you would expect of gaining back some weight, but not my maximum. I had dropped down to a proud moment in July, where my inches were at their lowest ever! And I'm still pretty much in the same boat. So I'm happy about that.
I'm also pretty manic. I tend to get this way every time I start to diet. I'm anxious and socially needy and unable to concentrate (a bad thing with midterms in only a few days.) I always figured it was the excitement of a new start, a fresh step in the right direction. Now I'm beginning to think it's a withdrawal symptom: my brain either craving the sugar high I'm used to or the chemicals in the food I'm purging from my system. In any case, I'm not feeling well right now---I don't even know what I want, only that something is wrong around me. My blood sugar should be steady, but last time I got like this, only a sugar spike did the trick to make me feel normal again. That scares me.
I want this to be for life. I don't want another cycle of addiction to food.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
I'm back to my forty week challenge. I figure, if I can create a whole human life in 40 weeks, I can change my own life in forty weeks.
I got on sparkpeople, got the weekly grocery list, and went and purchased a week's worth of groceries. It came up to a HUGE amount, something I would spend over the course of MONTHS, MANY MONTHS. My husband was not pleased. This is the main reason I drop my diet attempts---the lifestyle change is just too expensive compared to eating small TV dinners that run at max a dollar per meal. It's not like I purchased lobster and steak: as we were eating our rice and bean dinner (the beans we had on hand), my husband shook his head in wonder. "You bought the cheapest foods available, I don't understand how you spent so much."
Neither do I. I just hope maintaining isn't going to be so painful. My brother is going to be joining us shortly, so that's another mouth to feed, and I'm hoping that I can feed the three of us reasonably. I'm also hoping it's effective: while I don't *think* I was eating a lot of calories while eating TV dinners, I didn't lose weight. I need to start eating *food*, not "food products."
Another thing I noticed was the insanely large amount of calories SparkPeople was asking me to eat. My husband suggested that my exercise lifestyle wasn't what sparkpeople thought it was, that they were feeding a fitter person than I was. So I went back and sure enough, I had my lifestyle as active: this was accurate when I started school, because I was walking up and down the hills multiple times a day at school. But since my heart started acting up, I started taking the tram around campus. So I changed the activity level, and it changed my diet plan. ::facepalm:: I hope these groceries last long enough for the diet plan to use all of them. To be fair, this is the first time I've had these kinds of fruits and vegetables since we replaced our fridge, so maybe they'll last longer. I've had to substitute to what I have on hand a few times, which I think is a good thing: I'm learning to tailor to my own needs.
And that's the real challenge for the next 39 weeks. Tailor my life to my needs.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
I think I've finally broken my unhealthy obsession with the scale. I haven't been weighing myself since (yet another) scale broke. I had surgery to open my sinuses and so they had to weigh me before hand, and I had gained a bit, but I was not over 300. I was just barely under, but I was under. I had not reached a new high.
And a combination of admonishment and relief ran through me.
I was ashamed and angry because I've been eating out multiple times a day, even knowing that I wasn't exercising because my heart has been acting up hard.
But I was relieved: I haven't suffered too hard, and I had found a balance with eating out---not enough to lose weight, but enough to remain stable.
It was very hard for me to not be looking for weight results when I was exercising. It was a drive in the back of my mind, a whining and a frustrated tantrum.
I don't feel that now.
I had the surgery to help my breathing. My breathing is the root cause of my heart condition. My heart is what is holding me back, weight and health wise.
I've been working hard this whole year to work towards my health, not weight. I became properly medicated for my bipolar disorder. I finally did my sleep studies and got my CPAP machine. And now I've cleared my sinuses.
I won't be allowed to exercise for another week or so, but being able to breathe is a HUGE step in the right direction for fitness. Strength, flexibility, balance, endurance. My long term goals. I'm also out of cash for fast food, so now is as good a time as any to start eating right, cooking at home, packing my lunch.
I don't feel bad, because I never fell off the wagon. I just took a different path.
Saturday, June 07, 2014
I've started a vlog for my fitness challenge. You can visit it here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krcA
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