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Sitting here teary eyed.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Just got to work, and came on to record today's weight (up another 2 lbs--sigh), and found all of your responses to yesterday's blog. I'm sitting here behind my desk, turned away from the entrance to my cubicle, because I have tears in my eyes. Thanks to all of you for your support. I'm going to get to talking to all of you individually sometime today, but in the meantime, I wanted to let you know how much it means to me to have all of you behind me. Better go wash my face and get myself back to work mode now, but THANKS.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NORASPAT 6/26/2012 4:59PM

    I hope you are now convinced we have your back,
emoticon emoticon emoticon
I am thinking if you do not start to look after yourself better just maybe we will be after you big time. Be good to yourself PLEASE, you are worth it to me for sure.
Pat in Maine. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BEARGODDESS 6/26/2012 9:36AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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2WHEELEDSHARON 6/26/2012 8:45AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Not doing too well.

Monday, June 25, 2012

I've been in a blue funk for over a week, eating everything in sight and not exercising. At this point I have gained back 10 of the pounds I had lost, four of them in the last week. It is ridiculous, and all I am doing by eating myself into the ground is adding to my blue funk. Tried to put on a pair of jeans that I have been wearing yesterday, and they wouldn't button. I have GOT to get myself back together.

A lot of it is that I am just plain depressed, and most of it is related to my job. I'm bored, worried that someone in authority is going to figure out that what I am doing is not worth doing and lay me off, worried about whether at best I am going to lose a day's worth of work each week (if it is going to happen, it happens next week, but I haven't been given any official word on the matter as yet), and on top of that I have over-volunteered myself. The volunteer stuff I can control--I am going to tell the chair of the committee that I am finding overwhelming that I will do the work I signed up for, but that I cannot continue to meet every two weeks, and that I am not willing to make phone calls between times. I have told her I hate making phone calls, but I don't think it has really registered with her how much I hate it.

Anyway, here I am, trying to get myself started again. I haven't even been checking my friend feed lately, which is not helping the whole situation, and I haven't been weighing in consistently, which I know is a form of self-sabotage. I'm going to try to keep my food under control today, and try to get in at least 30 minutes of exercise, but am not going to promise myself any more than that until I am feeling more in control of my own responses.

Wish me luck, everyone.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AAAACK 6/25/2012 11:35PM

    This might sound odd, but bear with me. Promise yourself one. One. One minute of freedom from worry. One touch to a tree or the ground or any piece of live nature available to you. One minute of exercise. One minute of eating right. Just one. One smile at yourself. One for a stranger. Give one dollar to the next homeless person you see. Pick one new street to explore. I suffer with depression as well. Sometimes 30 minutes is too big a promise for me. Certainly a whole day feels out of my control. But there's always room for one. Just one. And when I finish one, I can decide if I'm ready for one more. I hope you feel better soon!

Comment edited on: 6/25/2012 11:38:11 PM

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NORASPAT 6/25/2012 11:50AM

    I have been looking for you and assuming you were busy. Busy getting down and not REACHING OUT TO US SOONER SO WE COULD HELP OUT SOONER.
That is what we are all about, think of us when you are thinking yourself in to a blue funk and a comfort eating binge. Have a Sparking binge to your friends instead.
I realise your community efforts are helpful but you really must learn to say NO. It was my best lesson learned. For a while just be a participant and let others do their part. The more you do the more you are asked to do. If you want help ASK A bUSY PERSON, ITS THE WAY IT GOES in volunteer organizations.
PLEASE do be in touch.
So sorry about the work issue anxiety too that is not helping . Take care go outdoors and walk if the weather is conducive . I love to walk to de stress it always works for no matter what . HUGS Pat in Maine.

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BEARGODDESS 6/25/2012 10:51AM

    I'm so sorry that you're going through a depressing time, but glad that you are willing to pull yourself out of it and start again. Sometimes it takes a lot more strength to overcome work related stresses than we normally have. I've added you as a friend and hope that you will add me back so we can encourage each other.


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MIWOLFF 6/25/2012 10:21AM

    Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to start again! I hear what you Re saying and am right there with you. It's hard when life's ever ending challenges get in the way. Have faith and trust in yourself . You can do it! emoticon

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ONUTHIN125 6/25/2012 10:18AM

    emoticonI have learned that we all fall off of the wagon. I was off for about 3 weeks and I really struggled to get back up but I am back on again. I understand what you are feeling. What I do is first-I live in the now. I look at what is before me-not behind or in front. Also, I do not overextend myself. Sounds like you do the same thing I do-it is hard to say no when people want you to help. Girl, you have to practice saying NO. It sounds funny, but I have told several people this-go in front of the bathroom mirror and say no over and over again. In our society we tend to associate no as being a negative word, but it is not. It is ok to say no and believe it or not people will not fault you for it. The job is a stressing issue-no question about it. I pray that all will work out for you. As we all have to do dust yourself off, reach out for the helping hands and pull yourself back on the wagon. emoticon emoticon Spark On! emoticon

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ROCKINMOM776 6/25/2012 9:49AM

    I'm sorry you've been struggling. It's tough to go through such stress at work, but you have identified your trigger and are ready to take steps to lighten your load outside of work. Only you know what you're willing and capable of handling, and you just need to be honest with your volunteer commitments. The work thing, unfortunately, is something we can't control... all we can do is pray things work out for the best and have faith that they will!

You'll get back on track with your eating and exercise, and that will help tremendously with your depression and anxiety. And if it doesn't help enough, there is no shame in seeking help :)

Prayers and blessings to you...

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2WHEELEDSHARON 6/25/2012 9:22AM

    I'm sorry to hear about your funk. I've been wondering about your howabouts. It seems like a number of people have lost their spark over the past couple months. I like to believe that we all go through such funks that are temporary even when we wonder if we'll ever do right again.
Sorry to hear about your job stresses too.
I wish you all the best and hope you do extra little things to be really good to yourself until you get to the point where you're back where you want to be. emoticon

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stuck again, but got it done.

Friday, June 08, 2012

Over on calories again today, but only by 200 this time, so I figure I'm gaining (or preferably losing) on it. AND I did 30 minutes on the treadmill and lots of ST at the gym, so that is good to go.

I did take off from work about an hour early. The only constructive thing I had left to do was some filing, and I couldn't get in the room with my files anyway. Some computer types are working on voice recognition software for the doctors' dictation. The idea, as I understand it, is that the doctor talks into the phone, and the computer types it right into the computerized chart. Neat trick if it works. Anyway, they have taken over significant portions of "our" area this last week, including the little office where my files are stored. Since these are patient files, they have to be in a locked cabinet in a locked room.

I went to the library with my computer and finally got my friend's book downloaded, only to find that I can read it off the computer fine, but can't figure out any way to get it onto my Nook. That means that I am going to have to sit here reading it on this machine, rather than being able to cart it around with me easily. Oh, well. It is only 300 pages, which is not huge by any means. I'll get there.

Ate out again tonight, which explains the calorie issues--I know I can order healthy, but what sounded good tonight was a chili cheese dog and fries. Again, I ate the whole thing

Once I got home, my daughter called, and we chatted for awhile, then I got out my little tractor, for which I now have gas, and puttered down the hill to mow some of the weeds past the lagoon (sewage, not blue), which is the beginning of the path to the lake. It was seriously overgrown. Had made one sweep down, and was coming back up the path, when my front wheel dropped into a huge hole. I couldn't go forward, and I couldn't go back. Stuck again. I finally had to go get the spade and dig it out. The good news is that the place it got stuck is part of a lowland creek bed, so even in this drought it was fairly moist. With some work and wriggle, I finally got the poor old tractor loose. So far as I can tell, some animal has dug a den right there by the path, and I managed to run into it, literally.

Got a little more weed mowing done after that, very cautiously, then came in to do my 15 minutes in the back room. Pat, if you think it is anywhere near done, you seriously underestimate both the size of the room and my ability to collect clutter. I am now down to the part I have been dreading--the Sorting Out the Papers part. I have an old computer desk and a large "craft" table back there, and both, being flat surfaces, are covered. I started on the computer table tonight, put some more stuff out of the bathroom into the "garage sale corner", and got the bathroom floor clear enough to sweep in there. There is an old computer sitting on the desk that I am not using any more. I need to figure out where to take it to get it recycled. It works OK, it is just so slow I can't get anything done. All of these "upgrades" the computer geeks keep forcing on me finally got the best of it. It needs a good home with someone who would love it for what it is. Guess I need to investigate where I can dump it without it going in the dump.

I also found a line drawing of my son, done by one of his friends many years ago. She gave it to me the summer after his death, but I was still in such a bad place that I just laid it back there, and had forgotten I had it. It was rather dusty, but that was easily taken care of. I'll take it into Michael's on Sunday when I go in to church and get them started framing it. I also found the box with what little of his stuff survived the fire, primarily things he had left here or at friends' houses. I and several friends had copies of some of his poetry, so at least that is left as a legacy. And, he was a "zombie" in a movie one of his friends made, and she gave me a copy of that.

Anyway, after tonight's cleaning binge, I decided to get my crocheting and sit on my new chair cushions out on the patio. I hadn't really been using the patio, because the easiest way to get to it is through the master bedroom, which was so cluttered it was unpleasant to try to negotiate through it. Sat out there until the bugs got the better of me, and decided I had better track while the tracking was good, so here I am.

Need to get to bed, because tomorrow is going to start early and be long. I'm meeting two other women at the church at 8AM to sweep, weed, and plant in the Memorial Garden. Then I am heading for St. Louis for Pagan Picnic, basically a street fair and party for those of us of the Pagan Persuasion. There are classes/talks which are often interesting, and a couple religious rituals, but mostly I am going so I can catch up with friends who I don't see very often. That means I will probably not eat all that well tomorrow, either, may or may not get to the gym, and may or may not get here. If you don't hear from me, be sure I am just out having fun.

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2WHEELEDSHARON 6/9/2012 1:08PM

    Yay for fun with Pagans!

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NORASPAT 6/9/2012 8:22AM

    It's a good time to have fun. Summers are way too short especially this year. I am actually in a FUNK and ready to quit. I just feel crappy.
I am so happy you are getting to you 10 things to go. I am doing 10 in the garage today there is no way we can walk on the grass. Heavy rains again. At least when it snows we can go play in it. HUGS take care. I would just LOVE to be able to go to a PAGAN festival. Pat in Maine. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Day 4: not exactly a streak, but at least a good healthy stripe.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Started out the day well--good breakfast, good lunch, but by the time I got to lunch it was almost 2PM. I was in a nursing home this morning, and was trying to get my part of the work done so the doctor could do his. Also, I have to admit, it is much pleasanter to eat sitting in my car in the park down the road than perched at the edge of a nurse's desk under the feet of all of the staff. So, of course I was too hungry, AND I was bummed because I was out early enough that I could not justify going home rather than back to the hospital. I piddled around a long time at the park, decided that given the current slash-and-burn mentality at the hospital I had better turn up and show willing, and headed that way...only to stop at McDonald's for a mocha frappe. My lunch was healthy, but fairly high calorie (peanut butter sandwich, carrots and grapes), so I definitely did NOT need the extra food right then, but I was annoyed and gave into the emotional eating monster.

Left "work" (I really just piddled there, too. Not much that really needed doing, and what there was I wanted to save to have something to work on tomorrow.), and was headed for the gym, but was listening to jazz on the radio, bopping along, and drove right past the turn off. I almost kept going, telling myself that I would do some mowing when I got home. Luckily, I was honest enough with myself to admit that, given the mood I was in, I was more likely to go home, sit on my butt, and read. Turned the car around, went to the gym, and did 30 minutes on the treadmill. Most of it was 3mph with a 5% incline, but four times I went up to 4mph with a 5% incline, so I was up there for a total of five minutes. I've gone that fast before, but never at an incline, and found it difficult to sustain more than a couple minutes at a time, but by golly I did it.

Unfortunately, as I was leaving the place, the aroma from Bandana's BBQ called my name. Now, it is possible to eat a reasonably healthy meal there, but I didn't. I wanted comfort food, and that is what I got. Ribs, potato salad, green beans, and "Texas Toast"--and I ate the whole thing. I did make myself track it when I got on the computer finally, and found that I am over my upper limit by about 600 calories today. It could be worse. I resisted the temptation to get a dessert, even though the ice cream soda they were advertising sounded really, really scrumptious.

Came home, knew that I wasn't going to do anything too vigorous, but I had promised myself yesterday that I would continue the clean-up/de-cluttering thing tonight. Decided that I would use my little lawn tractor (which I usually use more for the tractor part than for lawn mowing) and mow around the fire circle across the lane. Maybe I can have some friends over for the Solstice if I get that going, I thought.

Got on the tractor, puttered out there, started around in a big circle, and promptly ran over some wood that was big enough to catch the tractor and hold it tight. I was stuck. I know I can't lift the front (engine) part of it, but have managed to move the back over obstacles before. Nope. It wasn't going anywhere. I finally put on work gloves, got out a pry bar, and started trying to pry the wood from under the tractor, cussing all the while about "where did this come from, anyway". Turned out to be a small piece of tree trunk, and another HUGE piece of tree trunk when I got them out. Once that was gone, I was able to drive out of the ditch I had just created.

My SILs artist sister was doing a project where she was making what looked to be paper-mache figures of different kinds and then shooting them with various guns and pistols. They don't do much for me, but the local visual artist types seem to like them, so what do I know? It is not an area of expertise for me. She lives in town, but I have this place that is large enough and hilly enough that you can shoot safely, and know that any bullets that fly off will just lodge in the next hill across the ravine, so this is where it was all taking place. I hadn't thought about how she was propping these figures up to work with them, but think she must have been using that wood. And of course, since I hadn't mowed back there all year, the weeds were so tall I didn't see it until I hit it.

Once I got unstuck, I started mowing again, only to run out of gas, and realize I barely had enough left in the gas can to finish the basics and get the tractor back in the garage. Once I had it put away, I thought that I really would like to have that area mown, at least, so I actually pulled out the regular lawn mower and went down there to do the touch up. I have a lot of branches down and stuff like that, but the main area is looking pretty good. There were weeds growing in the circle of stones, and grass up around it. I decided I had stuff that needed to be burned anyway, and that was the way to get rid of the weeds and the grass, papers and sticks I had lying around. Got a bucket of water, since it is so dry here, piled everything up, pulled up a lawn chair, and lit the trash. It was a little nerve wracking for a few minutes. It was burning a lot higher and hotter than I had expected. I used the first bucket of water to put out small fires around the periphery, and ran to get the bucket full again. By the time I got back, the fire had decided to be less aggressive, so I sat in my chair and watched it until it was nothing by smoke and embers. Drowned it really well (it would be embarrassing to explain to my daughter, who is also my insurance agent, how I managed to burn my house and woods down) and came back in.

The fire circle area looked so good, I decided I was also going to do my 15 minutes of clean and de-clutter in the back room again. It's amazing how quickly things improve, just by moving or putting away a few items. I had a garage sale pile, a think about whether I want/need it pile, a definitely keep it but where will I store it pile, and a pile of just plain junk that needs thrown away or recycled. Got all that done just as the alarm went off to signal my 15 minutes was up, but I was on a roll, so I pulled out the vacuum and ran it over the fairly large area of floor that I had just cleared.

So, today may be more of a stripe than a streak, what with losing control of the food, but all in all I really feel as if I have accomplished a lot in the last two days. I feel as if I actually can get this place under control, just because the lawn and the back room look so much better already. Somehow, I feel more relaxed just knowing that they are doing better, even though I can't see either one from where I am right now. It is such a feeling of comfort and pleasure. Aaaah.

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2WHEELEDSHARON 6/8/2012 10:06AM

    I think you could call all you got done last night its own streak, it sounds like an impressive amount of work. I believe those types of streaks repeated often enough provide me with results I'm surprised with. Way to go! Did I mention I was impressed!? Great job controlling the fire. Having a daughter as an insurance agent would be a lot of pressure!
Hope you have a lovely weekend!

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CLWALDRO 6/8/2012 3:13AM

    even though you feel you could have done better you did what you needed to do. You went back to the gym. You tracked your food even though it showed you were over on calories you were honest about how your days went. Being honest with ourselves is a huge step in the right direction.
Best wishes as your journey continues. emoticon

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NORASPAT 6/7/2012 11:41PM

    WooHOO see what you have accomplished if you declutter you surroundings it is supposed to help de-clutter the mind.

WoW you had very busy day I could hardly keep up with you and i was only reading it.
I bet that back room is almost done and now you can sit and stare in to the fire, just remember to leave a bucket and shovel down there so you can stay safe -PLEASE.
Hugs ---on to the week--- the hump is behind you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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UMBILICAL 6/7/2012 11:17PM

  Follow that stripe

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Streakin', day 3, and I figured out what the bad smell is.

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

OK, day 3, and if I can avoid eating anything before I go to bed, I am still streakin' away.

Ate too much for breakfast again (I need to stop eating in the cafeteria/cafe at work), but kept the calories under control otherwise. I thought about going to the gym, but realized that the lawn needed mown really badly, that mowing is also good exercise, and that I was unlikely to talk myself into doing both the gym and the lawn, so I came home and got most of that out of the way. Still have a lot of mowing that needs done--down by the road as usual, but I haven't even touched the firepit area across the lane or mown the path to the lake this year. In fact, I haven't been to the lake this year, although my GD has gotten there several times. She tells me there is a big tree down across the path. I think not going down there is avoidance behavior. I hand mow the path, which is about 1/4 mile of Ozark woods, which is nothing to sneeze at, so that is MAJOR mowing when I get there, and then the dam needs mown down after I get out there, too.

For days now, there has been a bad odor in the garage. I thought it was the garbage, and that when I got it out of the garage things would improve, but the garage has still smelled as if something had died in there. I had looked behind things, thinking a mouse or vole or something had gotten in there and died, but didn't find anything. Today as I started mowing, I found another dead snake in the grass up against the retaining wall near that doorway. It must have been 5 feet long. That is what has been smelling up the garage. I just left it there for now, since it is also tangled in the plastic mesh the grass seen came in, and getting it out isn't going to be a simple case of picking it up with the rake and tossing it somewhere else. It does have to leave before my GD comes out here again. As upset as she got when the first group of snakes died in the mesh, I don't want her to see this one and realize it is still happening. I also need to pull up the rest of the mesh, I guess, but then what do I do with it? And what I did pull up is still lying there, a death trap for any small animal that tries to nest in it.

Came in from mowing, and decided I really do need to get back to doing the "set the alarm for 15 minutes and do some housework" thing, so I did that. As messy as the part of the house I actually live in is, the part that has been bugging me is the "master suite", which is big, clumsy, and not used for anything but storage. I have a bad habit of tossing anything I don't want to get rid of but don't have a good place for back there. It's a major mess, and I decided that was where I was going to start. As usual when I do the 15 minute clean, I got a lot done, and the room already looks much better. I had bought a couple cushions for the chairs on the patio, and just tossed them back there. They are now tied onto the patio chairs where they belong. I vacuumed the back corner of the room, only to realize that I haven't vacuumed back there since the construction, so I did that really well, then started moving garage sale stuff back into that nice clean corner. I have a hand-made broom that usually hangs on the living room wall, as part of my "Moon Wall". The wall normally has the broom, a mobile made by a friend of my son and given to me by him as a gift several years ago, a metal quarter moon mobile (garage sale find) and a metal picture of a tree that looks as if it is shadowed by moonlight to me (another garage sale find). The cats had knocked the broom down months ago, and I never hung it up again, so I got that done, in spite of the fact that the alarm had now gone off and I could stop any time.

All in all, I feel like I accomplished a lot today, and am really proud of my three day streak. It might not sound like much, but for me right now it is something to brag about.

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2WHEELEDSHARON 6/6/2012 10:50PM

    You absolutely have bragging rights. Day 3 always feels like a big win because it is! Its like its own special version of Hump Day.
Though I think snakes and the Ozarks are beautiful and magical, I don't miss the Ozarks ”snakes in the garages and sheds” phenomena. Once, when I lived in Springfield, we came home to a pair of black snakes in the bath tub. I think they were having a private moment too, but I'm sure I groaned more than they did.
Excellent decluttering work. I'm jealous, but since the clutter in the rooms of my house doesn't belong to me, I'd get in trouble for decluttering it. Believe me I've tried. It was like an Extreme version of Family Feud.
Yay for your great day!

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NORASPAT 6/6/2012 10:35PM

    down and you are doing great . Stay with it set the alarm or put 10 items out for the garage sale. Stay with it I had a 4 mile walk did yard work and removed all of the poppies that were cluttering my yard. Now it is raining again so I am back inside HUGS Keep it going . A streak for a week is a very good goal emoticon emoticon emoticon

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