Tuesday, July 08, 2014
Okay, I realize I'm not that bad of a slacker. I have my reasons. That being said, it's been about a year since I've last posted.
I'm struggling. And about to start tearing up at work. It's fun.
In the past year, I've come to some conclusions and realizations that hurt. Really badly. My dad is never going to be the man he should be. Or the one that I want him to be. The only reason I've talked to him in the past 6 months is because he found out I asked about a life insurance policy that he was supposed to have been paying for my brother and I after my parents divorced (about a million years ago). We have nothing in common, and he doesn't even try. My friend's fathers mean more to me than he does. Which is the most hurtful thing I can admit to myself, and makes me want to comfort myself with all kinds of foods.
My grandfather passed away in September of last year. We were very close. It still hurts even though I know that's what was best. He hadn't known I was me for the longest time. A couple months ago, my grandma brought me one of his old tobacco pouches from like, 25 years ago, that still had his combination in it. That sent the tears flying that day.
I turn 30 in 2 days. I remember when I thought 30 was so old and that I'd be married with at least 2 kids by then. The reality is that I haven't dated anyone seriously in the past 7 years. I don't know what it is. If it's me, if it's them, or if it's just not the right time. It's not as though I haven't dated at all, it just is never anything long lasting or worthwhile. My roommate has said that she wants me to find someone to be happy with, because she doesn't want me to become a cat lady. I don't think she realizes that that's not something I want either. That I'm TRYING. Dating is hard. Really hard.
30 is the scariest birthday I've had in a long time. I'm not looking forward to it. It's been giving me a lot of anxiety, which leads to foods. I haven't been working out, and I know that will help me with...everything. Immensely.
I'm looking into gyms again. After my grandfather passed away, I slipped into a depression that made it hard to get out and go to the gym. The winter here didn't help either. It was 6 months long and the weather and roads were pretty bad almost every day.
(see how this post is progressing into better things? yeah, life is getting easier, but things still weigh.)
At least work is going well. I got a raise at my primary job, which is making it so I can quit job #2 should I choose. I think that I'll stay, just with more restricted hours. I don't dislike it, and it IS a good source of extra income.
This Friday I took the day off and I'm headed to my best friend's house on the other side of the state to be poolside. I haven't looked forward to something this much in a LONG time. I am so ready to be in a judgement free zone with my friends.
I am trying to put myself in a positive place these days and just have fun and enjoy life with all my faults.
With all the extra stress I've had in the past year, I am considering it an accomplishment that I have not gained any weight!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I've been working at Job #2 a lot less lately. Which I'm totally okay with. It's my 'fun money'.
So, I got a free 7-day trial to a gym I used to go to and I've taken Body Combat twice and tonight I plan on trying Zumba with an instructor I've never been to. I'm excited to see what it's like. I plan on becoming a member this week, when my trial is up.
Last week I went to Body Combat on Thursday evening and I was feeling pretty tired, my arms were shaking and all that good stuff. So Saturday morning I was planning on going again, buuut...I couldn't lift my arms...they were nothing but dead weight! Needless to say, I didn't go on Saturday, but I did go again last night!
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I hit a milestone yesterday. This is the last year in my 20's. It's kind of scary.
HOWEVER, I got some money for my birthday and I'm putting that toward a gym membership, I just have to decide WHERE now. We have the YMCA here, and it just seems ridiculously out of my price range, even though I know there's income based options, I just can't see it coming down THAT much. I don't know. There's definitely research that's going to be involved.
I hate that I want to go to the gym in the summer. Maybe it's the accountability of having paid for the membership?
Speaking of accountability...I need some. So anyone who wants to, should asked me when the last time I worked out was......because as of today, it was in June.
I'm terrible at cooking. I make some really delicious food. And I CAN cook. I'm actually really good at it...I just don't WANT to. The kitchen hot and I'm tired.
I'm good at over-eating. I NEED everything pre-portioned. Even if I do it myself. I just NEED it. And I NEED to be better at not just grabbing things because they are pre-portioned. I need to count my calories, because even if it's healthy, it's still not going to work if I eat ALL the healthy food at once and overdo it on the calories! (-almost- a little revelation there...)
I need to change my f-ing attitude in general AND toward food. It's not my problem solver. It's my crutch, and it keeps me broken.
I am stronger because I know my weaknesses.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
So yesterday I got home from work, put in a load of laundry, took some chicken out of the freezer to defrost for dinner. I decided I needed to go for a walk to clear my mind even though it was VERY hot out and my legs are still very much burned on the back from a trip to the beach. I needed it.
So anyway, I got to my 1.5 mile mark and turned around to go back home, and I jogged across the street to get out of the way of traffic, and just kept jogging for the rest of the block. I HAVEN'T DONE THAT SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. Of course I was incredibly winded, but that's besides the point. I RAN. ON PAVEMENT. VOLUNTARILY. And I was okay with it. It's just so. weird. I'm going to try it again in a couple days when the weather clears up (it's raining).
Today is a 15 hour day. Then my mom is coming to stay with me because she has some classes and if she didn't stay with me, it would be a 2 hour drive starting at 6 AM, and then class. I couldn't let that happen because I'm a good daughter :)
It's supposed to rain for the next couple days here, we need it desperately, but I'd rather it was summer already. Here's to hoping it ends soon!
Friday, June 14, 2013
How does one find motivation to work out after (even before) a 15 hour day? Would you take that day off? How can you build a workout streak when you have to take 1-2 days off a week because you work retail after sitting at a desk all day? I can't, in my mind, count working retail as a legit. workout.
I'm struggling with this today.
On the bright side, it's my 3 year anniversary today at my job! I now get 2 weeks of paid vacation!
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