Sunday, November 13, 2011
I have been reading a lot of blogs and articles about stress and depression lately. I'm trying to understand both. Even though I have never been diagnosed with depression I know that I suffer from it. I wont go to the Doctor for help about it because I dont want my family to look at it weird. I am a very blessed person that is somewhat close with my family. This is something that I have never expressed with them. i have also had a family member that has committed suicide and I know the effect that it takes and I dont want to add that pressure or stress onto my mom. This blog is not about this but thought I should share.
Anywho I have been very stressed lately. I am a mother, I work full time, and I go to school. I hardly see my daughter because of that. When I see her it is to basically put her down for bed and to wake her up in the morning. I hate that. But when I decided to go back to school I knew that it would be hard. My daughter is two years old and I figured that it was better for me to go back now and get my degree then do it later when she needs me. She is young now and really dont know what is going on. Plus it makes my heart smile when she sees me and she runs right in my arms screaming mommy mommy with a huge smile on her face.
I am in school only taking two classes. When I signed up for the classes I thought that the classes was gonna be very easy. Boy was I wrong. I have not had a weekend free yet. I am always running to study groups or meeting with my teachers or just studying like crazy. I feel like my brain is full and can not take any more knowledge. However i am no where near close and have a while to go before I am done. *Side Note* On the days that I go to school I also go to the gym. I am sneaking and doing this. My mother watches my daughter for me when I am in school. She is tired because she works two jobs herself. She is always telling me she needs a break so because of this I havent told her that I have a membership at the gym. She thinks that i am n school for those four hours while in real life 2 of those hours i am at the gym. This stresses me out also because I keep watching over my back hoping that she dont figure out that I am not at school.
My most stressful thing that I have to endure is my job. OOOOOOOOHHHHHH how I want a new job. I am putting in applications all day everyday like crazy. I have spoken before about how my job is like hell because of my boss. She is a miserable woman who makes it her life duty to make my life a living hell. When I hear people speak about there job in a joyous light I get really jealous. I have bad luck like everything in my life always goes wrong but why do I have to live in hell EVERYDAY!!!! Its not just my boss its the company also. Its just terrible. For example last Friday we was suppose to get paid. Notice that I said suppose. On Thursday the payroll department sent out emails letting us know that we would not be getting paid because they was unaware of the Veterans Holiday. EXCUSE ME. Is this a new holiday. Was this holiday just added to the schedule yesterday. I could have promised this this holiday came around every year so please someone explain to me how they can just tell me the day before I was SUPPOSE to get paid that I will not be getting paid. They are acting like this is no big deal. Soooooo how am I suppose to feed my daughter. How am I suppose to put gas in my car to even get to the job that is so stupid they don't realize that a holiday is coming up. How am suppose to do anything. I DON'T KNOW. Do I have money to fall back on. NOPE!!! I do not. I completely dead broke and sitting here right now how I am gonna get to work tomorrow. MY HEAD HURTS!!!!
It seem like I can not catch a break. When I get stressed I eat. I want chips and cookies and anything that I know is not healthy. Since I cant pay healthy food or even unhealthy food I am depressed. I keep crying every second. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm confused.
What can I do to make myself feel better. I'm not sure.